FEBRUARY 19, 2021: “I Don’t Need No Stinkin’ Hero” …

… ’cause, ummm…

… I KINDA ALREADY HAVE ONE!

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again ~ I’m the luckiest, most blessed, badass warrior QUEEN I’ve ever known. But I’ve said this before, and I’ll say it againIT’S NOT ME …

… IT’S THEM!

… at my left wing is The Father, The Son and The Holy Spirit … at my right wing is the gang of REAL angels that fly behind me EVERYWHERE! Yes, I am sure that so many people think that I’m off my rocker CRAZY for believing what I believe, but here’s the deal — I DON’T CARE! I know what I knowI think what I think … I feel what I feel! THE FACT THAT I’M STILL STANDING IN THIS KINGDOM LIKE THE “SUPERHUMAN QUEEN” I TRULY AM IS LIVING PROOF!

I’ve got a hero! I’VE GOT A HERO LIVIN’ IN ME! I’m gonna fight for what’s right. Today I’m speaking my mind – and if it kills me tonight, I will be ready to die. A hero’s not afraid to give his life.

HERO

I’m just a step away. I’m just a breath away. Losin’ my faith today – fallin’ off the edge today! I am just a man – not superhuman. I’M NOT SUPERHUMAN! Someone save me from the hate. It’s just another war. Just another family torn. FALLING FROM MY FAITH TODAY! Just a step from the edge. Just another day in the world we live. I need a hero to save me now! I need a hero! SAVE ME NOW! I need a hero to save my life. A hero’ll save me just in time! I’ve gotta fight today to live another day. Speakin’ my mind today. MY VOICE WILL BE HEART TODAY! I’ve gotta make a stand – but I am just a man. I’M NOT SUPERHUMAN! My voice will be heard today. It’s just another war. Just another family torn. MY VOICE WILL BE HEARD TODAY! It’s just another kill – the countdown begins to destroy ourselves. I need a hero to save me now. I need a hero! SAVE ME NOW! I need a hero to save my life. A hero’ll save me just in time! I need a hero to save my life. I need a hero just in time. Save me just in time. Who’s gonna fight for what’s right? Who’s gonna help us survive? We’re in the fight of our lives and we’re not ready to die! Who’s gonna fight for the weak? Who’s gonna make ’em believe? I’ve got a hero! I’VE GOT A HERO LIVIN’ IN ME! I’m gonna fight for what’s right. Today I’m speaking my mind – and if it kills me tonight, I will be ready to die. A hero’s not afraid to give his life. {Skillet}

FEBRUARY 15, 2021: “Power, Grace, And Beauty Rising” …

WHO AM I?

I am me. My very best friend, and the one person in my life I know will never let me down. I’m the person I get to be with until I take my last breath and set my eyes upon the The Brighter Side Of Grey, and the only one I can count on when all my cards are down, come Hell or the highest of waters.

I’m the Queen Of The World who has crossed on over to the upside of just about everything, yet I’m the most wretched in all the land. Love me or hate me, I DON’T CARE, ’cause at least I know it’s true! I have the world’s biggest ego and the confidence of a lion, yet I’m humbled by the power of my insignificance. I am big – I am smalljust a pebble skipped across the ocean. I am valueless and valued all the same!

I am NOTHING.

I am EVERYTHING.

I’m an oxymoron.

I am power, grace, and beauty rising.

So are you.

BEAUTY WILL RISE

It was the day the world went wrong. I screamed ’til my voice was gone and watched through the tears as everything came crashing down. Slowly panic turns to pain as we awake to what remains and sift through the ashes that are left. But buried deep beneath all our broken dreams we have this hope. Out of these ashes, beauty will rise, and we will dance among the ruins. We will see Him with our own eyes. Out of these ashes, beauty will rise. For we know joy is coming in the morning. In the morning, beauty will rise. So take another breath for now, and let the tears come washing down. And if you can’t believe, I will believe for you. ‘Cause I have seen the signs of spring! Just watch and see! Out of these ashes, beauty will rise, and we will dance among the ruins. We will see Him with our own eyes. Out of these ashes, beauty will rise. For we know joy is coming in the morning. In the morning. I can hear it in the distance … and it’s not too far away. It’s the music and the laughter of a wedding and a feast. I can almost feel the hand of God reaching for my face to wipe the tears away and say, “It’s time to make everything new.” “Make it all new”. This is our hope. This is the promise. That it would take our breath away to see the beauty that’s been made out of the ashes. {Steven Curtis Chapman}

FEBRUARY 12, 2021: “Do You Need Help?” …

HELP!

I THINK I NEED HELP! I’m drowning in myself. Did someone turn the lights out, or is it just another dark cloud in my head? ‘Cause I’m cut deep. My heart won’t beat. Deep down low it’s killing me. If I wanna scratch out yesterday, I’ve got so much I need to say. I THINK I NEED HELP! ‘Cause I’m drowning in myself. It’s sinking in. I can’t pretend that I ain’t been through hell. I THINK I NEED HELP! I’m drowning in myself. They’re preying on my weakness. Believe it. I’m thinking to myself: “No, not again!”, and I won’t keep listening when temptation’s creeping in. If I wanna make it another day, I’ve got so much I need to say. I THINK I NEED HELP! {Papa Roach}

FEBRUARY 11, 2021: “Right NOW!” …

… aaaaaand, all I have to say TODAY, is … best damn quote I’ve heard in a long time! Had to memorialize it in “a little bitta black, a little bitta white, and a LOTTA bitta grey”.

RIGHT NOW

Don’t wanna wait ’til tomorrow. Why put it off another day? One by one, little problems build up and stand in our way. Oh! One step ahead, one step behind it. Now you gotta run to get even. Make future plans – I’ll dream about yesterday. Hey! Come on turn, turn this thing around. (Right now!) Hey – it’s your tomorrow. (Right now!) Come on, it’s everything! (Right now!) Catch your magic moment. Do it right here and now. It means everything! Miss a beat, you lose the rhythm, and nothin’ falls into place. Aah! Only missed by a fraction. Slipped a little off your pace. Oh! The more things you get, the more you want. Just trade in one for another. Workin’ so hard to make it easy. Whoa! Got to turn! Come on! Turn this thing around! (Right now.) Hey – it’s your tomorrow. (Right now!) Come on, it’s everything! (Right now!) Catch your magic moment. Do it right here and now. It means everything! It’s enlightened me – right now! WHAT ARE YOU WAITIN’ FOR? {Van Halen}

FEBRUARY 10, 2021: “Hear Me NOW!” …

This afternoon, this exceptionally beautiful man I follow posted something so powerful, poignant, and relevant to yet another absolutely insane, if not mind-numbing trauma that “what’s what’s left of my little family” went through late last night and into the wee hours of the morning. His name is Tommy Vext, and yes he’s a musician, but note that it’s not how I first referenced him. I said, “beautiful man”, not “beautiful musician”, because if I’ve learned anything about myself in the last 540 days, as well as the last 52 years overall, it’s that I couldn’t give TWO SHITS about someone’s fame, fortune, or status. No offense to anyone “famous, fortunate, or STATELY”, but that’s just not how I roll. I’m all about the grey as far as the footprint we leave behind, and ZERO do “fame and fortune” have to do with a legacy of love.

This is what he posted …

… then he dropped this except from a writer who I never even knew existed until today:

Our basic recovery concept that never loses its power to work miracles is the concept called acceptance. We do not achieve acceptance in a moment. We often have to work through a mirage of feelings—sometimes anger, outrage, shame, self-pity, or sadness. But if acceptance is our goal, we will achieve it. What is more freeing than to laugh at our weaknesses and to be grateful for our strengths? To know the entire package called “us” —with all our feelings, thoughts, tendencies, and history—is worthy of acceptance and brings healing feelings. To accept our circumstances is another miraculous cure. For anything to change or anyone to change, we must first accept ourselves, others, and the circumstance exactly as they are. Then, we need to take it one step further. We need to become grateful for ourselves or our circumstances. We add a touch of faith by saying, “I know this is exactly the way it’s supposed to be for the moment.” No matter how complicated we get, the basics never lose their power to restore us to sanity.

{Melody Beattie ~ “Acceptance“}

HIS RESPONSE:

Today, God, help me practice the concept of acceptance in my life. Help me accept others, my circumstances, and myself. Take me one step further, and help me feel grateful.

{Tommy Vext @Instagram}

… at which point all I could say was:

ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW?

What’s with this Cosmos always serving me these breakthroughs when I’m either driving, or sitting in a parking lot, or simply staring into the fog? It’s one of the most fucked up and AWESOME enigmas of my life! I’m not gonna lie … after the trauma that was visited upon us all last night at hands of someone who claims to “love us” … TODAY WE ARE SHAKEN TO THE CORE! Worse yet, it was my poor fucking son who’s trying SO hard to rise up and “love himself” out of that familiarly gifted Venom suit who bore the brunt of it ALL! Sooner or later, you know I’ll dig in to that, but in the meantime: I NEEDED THESE WORDS TODAY! Yes, God, PLEASE help me not to veer off the path of acceptance regardless of how painful the circumstances.

Can I just say this? Leave it to Destiny to show up right on time as is always par for my course. With that, I once again say I AM THE MOST blessed woman alive in this extraordinary lifetime I was lucky enough to be chosen to live! As for this song? While on the surface it appears to be a love song, tonight I sing it out loud, as if God was actually singing it to me Himself, because I deserve to hear EVERY word of this song from the one Father who’s never let me down. If you’re reading this right now, it is my true prayer that you too remember to love and accept yourself and your circumstances without condition always!

HEAR ME NOW

I’m at the bottom, can you come let me up? ‘Cause I brought a flower for you. Your friends are faded – let me fill up your cup and toast to the stars over the ocean’s flowing emotions in the air. I don’t wanna live for nothing. Just wanna be something. I never knew what it took to win. I don’t wanna live for nothing. Just wanna be something. I never knew we’d be more than friends. We spin the bottle till we’re kissing our cups. Felt like I’d die for you. You can’t explain it, it’s been years since we’ve touched, and I’ve waited none for you. I don’t wanna live for nothing. Just wanna be something. I never knew what it took to win. I don’t wanna live for nothing. Just wanna be something. I never knew we’d be more than friends. Come let me up. Can you hear me now? About half a block away out. Can you hear me now? The ocean’s flowing emotions in the air. I don’t wanna live for nothing. Just wanna be something. {Bad Wolves}

FEBRUARY 8, 2021: “O’er Fodder & Field” …

FODDER:

Indeed it is true that the “I got my heart broken and now I’m afraid to love” struggle is up close, personal and very real! But here’s what I’ve been tryin’ to tell ya folks AND PLEASE HEAR ME LOUD AND CLEAR! If I hadn’t truly believed in the existence and power of REAL LOVE all the while … and even though some of the most “forgettable” people almost destroyed me (one of whom actually leveled me SO badly that I tried to kill myself) …

I WOULD NEVER HAVE MET THE TWO LOVES OF MY LIFE!

That’s right my friends! I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again; I have been truly and deeply loved by TWO KINGS in this lifetime. Not one – TWO! How many women can say that? While unfortunately their fates had to take them Home too soon, the love each of them gave me was enough to last me a lifetime if that is to be MY fate. Nonetheless it remains … TRUE LOVE IS VERY REAL … and the people that hurt you but the FODDER beneath your feet who prepared you for the greener pastures yet to come …

… meaning …

You will never be able to to recognize or appreciate your real king or a queen unless you’ve spent time in the company of an asshole! So, just keep stepping over all that fodder as you walk through to greener pastures towards the Light! Take it from me – the grass really is better on this side! AND FOR THE RECORD: YES, I still love Corey Hart, and YES I still listen to this song AND sing out loud with it weekly! It’s beautiful, and powerful, and if you’ve never heard it before … LISTEN TO THE WORDS!

TAKE MY HEART

Take me to the top again. Take me to the high road shining – ’cause you know I never seen the world like that! You take me to the top again. You take me where it’s slow and easy – ’cause you know I never dream inside like that. I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know. Won’t you take my heart? Don’t leave me here standin’! Take my heart where only you can. Take my heart – there is no resistance. I can only go as far as you can. Yeah, through the leaves of grass I search – and I follow like a soldier, where the battle rages on. Reveal what’s true. And I call to open skies – and I call to high plains driftin’ through the wintertime the Earth shall feed my soul. Discover borderlands that we have yet to run … and you can search forever never reach the Sun. And I can go on tryin’. And I can go on cryin’. Won’t you take my heart … where only you can? {Corey Hart}

FEBRUARY 6, 2021: “The Frog Prince” …

… that moment she walks in the kitchen and says …

Awwwe, look Mom! It’s Dad standing guard at the little cottage in the woods he made damn good and sure you’re gonna have until you can finally get there!

… and you want to cry, but instead you can only smile, because DAMN she’s the strongest, wisest, most gracious human being you’ve EVER met … and (PS) …

YOU MADE HER!

If only you really knew why it means so much that she still calls him “Dad” … well … then you’d really know why it it means so much that she still calls him “Dad”. I’m sure you must be tired of me saying it, and I’m sorry I’m not sorry that I always do … but … I really am the MOST blessed queen in the history of the world.

FEBRUARY 5, 2021: “Carrion My Wayward Son!” …

~ Courtesy of The American Eagle Foundation ~

If you’re ever really bored, please check out my beloved friend, “George“, the 35 year old turkey vulture who lives in Pigeon Forge, Tennessee, with his amazing care team at the American Eagle Foundation. It’s hard to believe (or, maybe not “with me”), but as enthralled as I am with corvids and raptors, even more so am I with vultures!

“Why Cat? WHY?”

Well, I’ll tell you. They are, perhaps, one of the most undervalued creatures, a plight I know all too well. So often, people either see or hear “vulture” and say, “Eww! So gross! Nasty, dirty, AWFUL, disgusting birds!”

What I love about George is how his “fame” is steadily changing the face of his kind via his super silly antics and personality! To know him is to love him, but the longer you do, the farther removed you become from “nasty, dirty, AWFUL, disgusting birds”, as nothing could be farther from the truth!

Vultures are much maligned. As natural garbage collectors, vultures are vital to our ecosystem, so why do we feel this way? Is it because we perceive them as ugly? [They] are one of very few creatures capable of effortless soaring for hours at a time. Many believe that the sight of soaring vultures is a sure signal that a dead animal can be found nearby, but this is not always true. Vultures are intelligent creatures who love to play. When a vulture discovers a thermal, it is able to hold its wings motionless, and allow the warm air to carry it in large, sweeping circles, toward the sky. You may see a group of them soaring gracefully, just enjoying life.

{Summit Outside … “The Misunderstood Vulture“}

By no means am I professing to be an avian expert; I merely speak to you from my heart and personal perspective. Having taken the time to become educated as George’s fan, I am “committed” to these thoughts about vultures (and yes, that pun was intended) …

THEY CLEAN UP OUR MESSES (so that we don’t have to wallow in them)! Which isn’t to say they only feed on roadkill. They are THE official clean-up crew of death. Still, can you imagine your daily drive with the mountains of carcasses we run over, along with the flies, maggots and odors on top of them? Now that would be, “Eww, GROSS!”

THEY’RE THE GOOD KIND OF MARTYRS! In keeping with the above, vultures are fast becoming an integral part of bacterial disease research. They feed on corpses – we learn from their corpses. Can someone say circle of life? “The birds with the iron stomachs” consume the rotting flesh that can be toxic to so many others. What they consume prevents the spread of diseases that that may otherwise be consuming us!

THEY DON’T ACT LIKE ANIMALS! Vultures are known to be gentle creatures, devoid of unwarranted aggression, avidly social and cooperative amongst their peers. They prefer to work together, not against each other, and are exceptional parents who share the responsibility of raising their brood.

THEY’RE NOBODY’S VICTIM! A vulture’s legs and feet are generally known to be weak, and their lack of a voice box leaves them speechless. Yet, their “disabilities” don’t stop them from accomplishing their life’s work and living at full potential! Their wings and bills are mighty (they can float like feathers, but still shred a dead-animal steak like tissue paper), and though they can’t sing like their fellow feathered compadres, they still manage to thrive with only primitive grunts, screeches and hisses.

THAT BEING SAID …

MY DEAREST GEORGE: Thank you so much my very handsome friend for helping me see life through your eyes. It is my hope that anyone who meets you will find you as wonderous as I do, so the next time they see your kinfolk on the road just doing what they do, instead of saying, “Eww, gross!”, they’ll say, “Thank you God for those beautiful creatures!”, and MAYBE even, “Carrion my wayward son and lay that bald head of yours to rest … WE COULDN’T LIVE WITHOUT YOU!

~ Courtesy of The American Eagle Foundation ~

Are you “remotely interested” in supporting “Team George” and the American Eagle Foundation?

<<<CLICK HERE>>>

FEBRUARY 4, 2021: “In My Mind’s Eye” …

Earlier today, a friend of mine posed this question on his Facebook page …

What’s the best piece of advice you’ve ever received?

Wow! Just WOW!

The answer came to me INSTANTLY!

It was December 1995, and I was just then learning about grace, forgiveness, JESUS, and that I could have a close and personal relationship with Him. I was at the forefront of the almost 20 year process of internally crumbling then coming back together, trying so hard to find a way to hold on because I was just so lost and broken. I’d joined a great Bible study, and one night after attending, a friend of mine who knew I was struggling, but even more so having a really hard time with the concept of “faith” in someone I couldn’t see or touch, gave me one of the most precious gifts I’ve ever received – the DC Talk “Jesus Freak” CD. He asked that I listen to the last track first – “Mind’s Eye”. So, I popped it in my stereo and headed home. Everything about it began cutting me apart, but it wasn’t until I heard these spoken words of Reverend Billy Graham that I lost it in the most bittersweet, irreversible and powerful way:

Can you see God? Have you ever seen Him? I’ve never seen the wind. I’ve seen the EFFECTS of the wind, but I’ve never seen the wind. Can you see the breeze? There’s a mystery to it.

{Reverend Billy Graham}

It literally changed me and the trajectory of my path forever! I believe with every shred of my being that those most impeccable words were meant for me to hear at that fated cosmic timing so that the following 20 years of living through a hell that some couldn’t bare would find me right here standing in the Light of my “Crazy Grandma Cat” blind faith.

As par for the course with my serendipitous life, and in keeping with this post, there are now two ironies flooding my heart with memories. On the night I got the CD, I had just left our fellowship meal at Cafe Express in Addison, Texas. As I’d mentioned, I was listening and LOSING IT, but, I didn’t say where. It was just as I passed the infamous Midway Road intersection where life was really gonna throw me a curve just a couple of years later. There I was, listening to the words that unbeknownst to me were plying me with all the faith and strength I was ever going to need “on down the road”.

But wait, there’s more! See this book? You won’t believe where I got it. It was the first thing I noticed the first time I’d ever gone to Zack’s, sitting on a table next to the giant Chewbacca head he’d worn to a costume party the year before. He loved that flipping thing so much that he’d made it part of the decor. Lol, I’ve digressed again! My point being – when I ever laid eyes on it – of all the things that could have been sitting there next to Chewbacca! I vividly remember my “internal nod” to Heaven. “REALLY God? This is SOMETHING, isn’t it? HE is something, isn’t he?” Little did I know! Despite the ending, the eleven years I was blessed with that beautiful king of mine were not only the stuff that fairy tales are made of, but more so than that, years that shall forever remain “in my mind’s eye”.

MIND’S EYE

In my mind, I can see Your face as Your love pours down in a shower of grace. Some people tell me that You’re just a dream. My faith is the evidence of things unseen. In my mind’s eye, in my mind’s eye, in my mind’s eye. You know what I’m going through. I know this is true, ’cause You stood in my shoes. Desire’s inside of me, but it’s hard to believe in what you cannot see. Can you catch the wind? See a breeze? It’s presence is revealed by the leaves on a tree – an image of my faith in the unseen. It’s in my mind’s eye, I see Your face. You smile as You show me grace. In my mind’s eye, You take my hand. We walk through foreign lands – the foreign lands of life. In my mind’s eye, in my mind’s eye. In my mind’s eye, in my mind. In my mind I’m where I belong as I rest in Your arms. And like a child I hold on to You in my moment of truth – yes I do. We can ride the storm. Endure the pain. You comfort me in my hurricane … and I’ll never be alone again.” {DC Talk}

FEBRUARY 3, 2021: “F8” …

FATE …

As defined by Merrium-Webster:

… the will or principle or determining cause by which things in general are believed to come to be as they are or events to happen as they do …

… and also …

Traditional usage defines fate as a power or agency that predetermines and orders the course of events. Fate defines events as ordered or “inevitable” and unavoidable. This is a concept based on the belief that there is a fixed natural order to the universe, and in some conceptions, the cosmos.

But here’s the deal …

Life isn’t one solid picture, and it doesn’t come wrapped in a bow. So why do we even need to define it? Fate. Destiny. Any of it? Why do we insist that everything show up for us in perfect order? If I’ve learned anything by now, it’s that the only semblance of “order” I can count on is – OH, that’s right – there isn’t one! So, I just let all the pieces show up in their perfect cosmic timing and let them fall in place. The “big picture” you see above is actually a screenshot of my Instagram, where I dropped nine separate pieces of my favorite album of all times. You know, the one with The Brighter Side Of Grey. I asked my followers to back out of the post to see “F8” in the bigger picture.

Sometimes in order to really see something “bigger”, you have to step back and see it “smaller”. Life is but a mosaic of random and senseless things that somehow come together at the end just the way they were supposed to. So, try to stop worrying, always do your best, and let your mosaic reveal itself at it’s own due pace and time. Fate is what is happening as you are being shattered then put back together as a masterpiece of heartache, love and Light.

FEBRUARY 2, 2021: “The Unfortunates” …

Wait! WHAT?

You guessed it — it’s a “feeling kinda spry” day for me! “I love me, who do you love?” Don’t get me wrong … I love ALL of you too. In fact … I LOVE EVERYONE! But, I definitely don’t “like” everyone. Guess what?

THAT’S OKAY!

Indeed it is true, there are some most unfortunate people who pissed this Queen away, who, for no good reason I can see, still linger in my atmosphere like clingons, ever so blissfully unaware that I literally, and not metaphorically, LAUGH OUT LOUD at the thought of them. Comically small and insignificant people with deluded opinions of themselves who seem to have NO cognitive awareness of the collateral damage their selfish, narcissistic, abusive behaviors have caused, much less what and who they really are, which is GROSS!

Actually, and now that I think of it, as I am writing this, I’m hoping and praying that some of you are calling to mind any such “unfortunates” in your atmosphere as well, such that you’re reminded – yet again, or, for the first time that you deserved better than that, so don’t let them do it to you again! Look, I’m all about “forgiveness” – I mean, come on, HAVE YOU MET ME? I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again — I have had to forgive “the devil himself” for crimes that no one would be able to forgive. But ummm, “forgiveness” isn’t “forgetness”, and that old adage is an absolute crock of SHIT! Yup, we’re all human. YUP, we all fuck up, but that doesn’t excuse our behavior. Some of us live, learn and grow from our “fuck ups” … SOME OF US DO NOT … and that, my dear friends, is where our boundaries must come to the rescue! John 15:12-13 says …

My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you. Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one’s life for one’s friends.

BUT SOMETIMES WE HAVE TO LOVE FROM A DISTANCE!

At the end of the day – I am here to say – that having survived textbook, clinical narcissism and having found the voice to scream out loud about it, is, umm, pretty fucking awesome! So, with that, if you’re one of the people reading this now who is no longer worthy of my “energy” – how’s that workin’ out for ya? Here’s my little “Until It’s Gone” serenade “from me – FROM YOU – to me”! Lol!

Oh, but wait … THERE’S MORE! Just to set the record straight, I know, know, KNOW I’m not the only one who feels this way about my past “unfortunates”. It’s just that I’m the only one saying it out loud. It is what it is, it’s one of my truest joys, and OMG being “fifty-ONE-derful” comes with some lovely perks … not the least of which is not giving two shits if this post offends “the unfortunates”. (But I am sorry about all the f’ bombs in my posts. I suppose it’s a grave hypocrisy that I’m quoting scripture AND dropping F’s all at the same time. I know God hates it when I curse, but hopefully He understands. What else can I say?

Hi everyone, it’s me, CAT! Ever the work in progress!

UNTIL IT’S GONE

A fire needs a space to burn. A breath to build a glow. I’ve heard it said a thousand times – but now I know – that you don’t know what you’ve got, oh you don’t know what you’ve got, no you don’t know what you’ve got … until it’s gone. Until it’s gone. UNTIL IT’S GONE! I thought I kept you safe and sound. I thought I made you strong, but something made me realize that I was wrong, ’cause finding what you’ve got sometimes means finding it alone. And I can finally see your light when I let go … ’cause you don’t know what you’ve got … UNTIL IT’S GONE! {Linkin’ Park}

JANUARY 31, 2021: “I’m A Freak Of The World” …

The first time I ever took the Meyers-Brigg Type Indicator was at the request of the most unfortunate counselor I was seeing for a while, “Doctor Steven” (who, although I’m not sure, am fairly certain I must have forced to seek professional counseling of his own after having had to deal with me). Imagine that? Putting a counselor in counseling? Lol, but I’ve digressed.

Congratulations Cat! In true oxymoron fashion, and in keeping with everything else you’ve ever done, said, or been, you’re BOTH an actual AND metaphorical FREAK OF THE WORLD INFJ!

When I got home and began researching “the INFJ of it all”, I got nauseous. I cried, and screamed, and had a semi cataclysmic meltdown. Also? I was PISSED! Where the HELL did he get off telling someone who already thought “everything is wrong with them”, that this too is “wrong with them”. Yah, umm, NO DOC – I think I’ll pass. But thanks so much for chiming in.

So much of what I read seemed so dark and twisted that I just couldn’t handle it. So, I did the only thing I could at that point and let that “label” go in one ear and out my ass (as was the case for many of the SPOT ON things not only Doctor Steven, but so many others, tried to tell me about myself).

The second time I took it was at my lovely visit to The Meadows. Said visit was the good Dr. Steven’s idea, not mine, and perhaps the best “worst thing that ever happened to me”, but again, I’ve digressed. Which then leads me to the third and final time I took it – also during my stay at The Meadows … because … after taking it the second time, I literally FREAKED THE FUCK OUT – again!

What the HELL is wrong with all these people? What the HELL is wrong with this test? Where in the actual HELL did this dumbass doctor send me?” I DON’T WANT TO BE A FREAK OF NATURE! I DON’T WANT TO BE THE “ODD ONE OUT!

So, I asked if I could take it again. Winner, winner, chicken dinner! Third time’s a charm, and yes, I’m an actual weirdo! It took me one HELL of a long time to finally come to terms with all my “labels and diagnoses”, and I fought against every one of them tooth and nail. Meanwhile …

Hi everyone, it’s me, Cat. I’m a Warrior, Motivator, SURVIVOR, AND I’ve overcome one of THE most stigmatic mental illnesses, AND I’m a TESTED AND VERIFIED FREAK! I really AM “kinda like a storm“!

Today, I embrace my rarity by focusing only on the positive characteristics of being an INFP. I’m “highly creative, artistic, idealistic, focused on the future, value close, deep relationships, and enjoy thinking about life”.

Are there some dark and twisted traits with this? YUP! I can be overly sensitive and difficult to get to know, and yup, I sure as hell do have very high expectations, and I’m stubborn, and I hate confrontation. But every one of those weaknesses are also part of my strength. So, let’s just spin it this way:

Hi everyone, it’s me, Cat! While I can indeed be overly sensitive, at least I’m in touch with my feelings and allow myself to have them. I suppose I am rather difficult to get to know, because yes I do have WICKED high expectations, but umm, have you met me? I’m a queen, and not only can queens not be friends with everyone, why would they want to anyway? So, with that, congratu-fucking-lations to anyone who’s had the privilege and honor of knowing me, and even more so to the few who ever will. My uber-selective inner sanctum is one of THE best places to GET to be. At the end of the day, although the light from my halo is loving, warm and endearing, it will burn your fucking eyes out if you’re not strong enough to stand near it. Please ONLY bring your A-game … I’ll settle for NOTHING less … I’ll see right your bullshit AND throw it back in your face, ’cause (PS) not only am I not afraid to be alone, I rather much enjoy it. To know me is to love me, but ONLY if you’re lucky!

Yes, I AM “one of God’s own high powered prototypes”, and I wouldn’t have me any other way. If I have to regret anything from my past (and trust me, I really don’t regret much), it’s that I spent so many years being ashamed of all my “labels” (the good, the bad, AND the ugly). These days? They’re like – my favorite tattoos of all – cryptic, elusive and invisible! YOU can’t see them, but trust me, THEY’RE THERE, the BEST of the BEST people this beautiful life has to offer me will ever get to!

I don’t know if I’ve ever mentioned this before, but when my husband found out about my “INFJ of it all” personality, he always said it made me unique and special.

You’re MY beautiful disaster, honey, and I wouldn’t have you any other way!

He knew I was “this” before we got married, and yet he made me a Williamson anyway! Jean Claude Van DAMN I always knew that guy was a genius. (And yes, he really was, BOTH verifiably AND metaphorically!

FREAK OF THE WORLD

Don’t want the Sun to shine upon my face. And I see your eyes and their glazy haze. Your lips don’t move but I hear what you’re sayin’. I look outside through the razor blades. And I crawl and I scrape and I feel for you, but there’s nothing, there’s nothing that I can do. I’m a freak – I’m the freak of the world. I’m a freak! Freak of the world. Stars are shining oh so bright, but I don’t think everything’s alright. And I can’t wake up ’cause I dream all night. Yeah you’re in my way and I can’t get by. And I beg and I cheat and I steal for you, but there’s nothing, there’s nothing that I can do. I’m a freak – I’m the freak of the world! {Puddle Of Mudd}

JANUARY 27, 2021: “Lost In The Echo” …

… that moment you get the call you’ve been waiting on for years, when the boy whose had your heart unconditionally since the day he drew his first breathe finally found the courage to quietly tap out in NOT so many words by speaking this poignant message through his actions …

NOPE! I don’t think so … this time it’s ME washing my hands of YOU!

He got up and walked away from the one person in this world he trusted the most, yet also abused, tortured and manipulated him the most, when he tried serving up that one last daily pile of BULLSHIT for him to choke on. This day has been SUCH a long time coming. Now, let’s just hope that it sticks. I have never prayed so much or so hard on my hands and actual knees as I have this afternoon.

Please God, PLEASE! Give him the strength to finally fly “from the inside” as far away from this God-forsaken “cycle” as possible – JUST LIKE I DID – and burn the fucking Venom suit that’s been literally suffocating the life out of him once and for all.”

LOST IN THE ECHO

You were that foundation – never gonna be another one, no. I followed, so taken. So conditioned I could never let go. Then sorrow, then sickness. Then the shock when you flipped it on me. So hollow, so vicious. So afraid I couldn’t let myself see that I could never be held. Back up, no, I’ll hold myself. Check the rep, yep you know my rail. Forget the rest, let them know my hell. Damn, I’m back yep, my soul ain’t sell. Kept respect up the vets stay their. Let the rest be to tell they tale that I was there saying … “and these promises broken deep below. Each word gets lost in the echo. So one last lie I can see through. This time I finally let you go, go, go”. Test my will, test my heart. Let me tell you how the odds gonna stack up. Y’all I go hard, I go smart. How’s it working out for y’all in the back, huh? I’ve seen that frustration. Been crossed and lost and told no. And I’ve come back unshaken. Let down and lived and let go. So you can let it be known – I don’t hold back, I hold my own. I can’t be mapped. I can’t be cloned. I can’t C-flat – it ain’t my tone. I can’t fall back, I came too far. Hold myself up and love my scars. Let the bells ring wherever they are, ’cause I was there saying …”and these promises broken deep below. Each word gets lost in the echo. So one last lie I can see through. This time I finally let you go, go, go.” No, you can tell ’em all now – I don’t back up. I don’t back down. I don’t fold up, and I don’t bow. I don’t roll over – don’t know how. I don’t care where the enemies are. Can’t be stopped, all I know go hard! Won’t forget how I got this far. For every time, saying … “and these promises broken deep below. Each word gets lost in the echo”. {Linkin’ Park}

JANUARY 25, 2021: “My Mona Lisa’s Making Me Smile” …

Be the kind of person who isn’t afraid to ask someone if they are okay twice if they say they are, but look like they aren’t. The kind of person who smiles at people even if they don’t smile back. The kind of person you wished for when no one was there for you. Be the kind of person who is brave enough to stand alone in a crowd for what is right. Be that person because we need more people like that in the world. Be that person because people like that are rarer than the rarest diamonds and gold.

Nikita Gill

This memory popped up on my Facebook today, and truth be told, it is one of my very favorite pictures of her thus far. As quoted by Nikita Gill above, yes she is “that kind of person”. To know her is to adore her, but here’s the deal folks – not many people GET to “really” know her, nor do I suspect they ever will. She is her mother’s daughter in this regard, and although it may seem that I’m putting everything about myself into the Cosmos via this Diary and other forums, the truth is that likewise will anyone ever really “know me”. Both me and my kids have had to learn the very hard way that where life, love, friendships and even “family” are concerned, it truly is “quality over quantity”. LOOK CLOSELY AT THIS PICTURE! You can actually see the little fighter behind her eyes. If only you really knew the trauma and heartache this kid has been through, yet has somehow managed to rise above with power, grace and courage, you probably wouldn’t believe it.

Just as every other beautiful thing in my life, our relationship is a bit of an oxymoron. In so many regards, we are 100% polar opposites, while at the same time she’s my doppelgänger. The bottom line is, she’s one of my only heroes and very few “real friends” (although YES, I am her mom first and foremost – until she’s an adult that is).

I am here to tell you all that I would in fact be dead right now if it wasn’t for this beautiful girl. All it took was one moment in time with her at a Jason’s Deli when she was just over 18 months old. I saw her “mimicking me” as I was pushing food around my plate, but not really eating it, because I was literally starving myself” to DEATH. That was the day that everything I’d ever known to be “real” in my fairy tale world came to a screeching halt as my heart broke in the most incredulous way once and for all and forced me to finally start fighting my way out of the dark and into this Light. It was HER who held the most frightening mirror up to my face of all – ME. She is one of my muses and “whys.

In case you haven’t noticed by now, with music being such an integral part of my mental wealth, there is an individual song for just about every “chapter” in this Diary. However, there are certain songs that have been so incredibly important to me that they’ve showed up more than once. “Miracle” is one of them. This song says everything that I feel about her in such a powerful way … just as it did my fallen king. The two of them were so much alike and shared so many of the same demons that it really isn’t any wonder that this one is applicable to them both. How lucky am I to have had as many “miracles” as I’ve had in my treasure trove of earthly gifts? I am a woman who is blessed beyond words.

MIRACLE

Say it once. Tell me twice. Are you certain I’m alright? Just a sign to remind me tomorrow’s worth the fight. Ever changing – the story line that keeps me alive. So make a wish and say: Give me life. Give me love. Star lit angel from above. Not so low. Not so high. Keep it perfectly disguised. Ever changing – the story line that keeps me alive. My Mona Lisa’s making me smile right before my eyes. Take another look. Take a look around. Its you and me, it’s here and now. As you sparkle in the sky I’ll catch you while I can ’cause all we are is all I am. I just want you to see what I’ve always believed … You are the miracle in me. Show me faith like you do. I’m amazed at how you move. Side to side, front to back – you know how to make it last. Ever changing – the story line that keeps us alive. My Mona Lisa’s making me smile. {Shinedown}

JANUARY 24, 2021: “The GHOST Of Williamson Manor” …

… ’cause doesn’t EVERYONE talk to ghosts in their bathroom?

So, here’s the deal folks. The TV volume goes up and down while the remote is on the table. We walk through certain spaces and feel a cold breeze blow through us, then get the chills. Next thing you know, the dog is doing a little happy dance and sniffing around at “something” he can see but we can’t … JUST LIKE HE USED TO WHEN DADDY CAME HOME! Then, on the night of Gia’s homecoming last October, while she sitting at the vanity in my bathroom getting all glammed up for her big night out, I spoke these words out loud:

What do you think Dad? Doesn’t our daughter look GORGEOUS!

The lights started going CRAZY! So, she started asking a series of random yet VERY specific questions.

Is that you, Dad? Blink once for yes – twice for no.

“The ghost” answered every time, right on cue. (Keep in mind that the first time this “light thing” ever happened, I had just finished getting dolled up for a girls night out and as I was looking in the mirror I said:

Well, honey, I’m heading out for the night! How do I look?

… at which point the lights flickered THREE times — I – LOVE – YOU! It was a thing with us. Sounds crazy, right? Maybe it is. It doesn’t really matter to either me or Gia what anyone else thinks at this point. The hardcore fact is that whatever this “thing” is that’s happening in our home – IT’S NOT OUR IMAGINATION! At first we tried reasoning it down to some sort of electrical problem, but then an electrician came out and could find NO logical mechanical reason why the circuit that runs to those lights keeps blowing. At the end of the day, it just is what it is, and we don’t hate it.

WHAT DO YOU THINK?

GHOST

Thought it was dead and buried, then it woke you up last night. Sought it so damn worried – you’ve been tossin’ turnin’, both ends burnin’. I want to put your mind at ease again. Make everything alright. I know it’s getting underneath your skin. I try to tell you now – don’t look over your shoulder, ’cause that’s just the ghost of me you’re seeing in your dreams. Wait. There’s no rhyme or reason. Sometimes there’s no meaning in the visions when you’re sleeping. Don’t wake up and believe that you’re looking at the ghost of me. Your imagination and emotion’s running wild. Fueling my frustration, like a fire burning. Clock is turning. I know it’s getting underneath your skin. I try to tell you now. Don’t look over your shoulder, ’cause that’s just the ghost of me you’re seeing in your dreams … {Daughtry}

JANUARY 24, 2021: “Lions” …

HERE’S THE CALL OUT TO ALL MY FELLOW LIONS!

May the force of your OWN strong and determined heart continue to be with you always! It’s really, really hard standing alone in the crowd. Oh – wait – NO IT’S NOT! One of my absolute “crowning” achievements in this lifetime is in knowing that I’m different … AND EMBRACING IT!

Now then …

Go on and get back up on that mountain you belong on, ALL ALONE IF YOU MUST, your mane just-a-blowin’ in the wind, claws ever-sharpened and OUT … ready to swat all those annoying little sheep away. Look down at your kingdom, breathe it in then breathe it out, and laugh to yourself quietly as all the flies land on your SHIT!

Roar.

LIONS

Today we live. Today we breathe. Today we know that we are strong when we are weak. Today we trust. We overcome. Take every chain that kept us slaves and throw em’ off. We’re not waiting for permission. We defy our inhibition like our middle name is “fearless”. Unafraid. If we’re gonna fly, we fly like eagles – arms out wide! If we’re gonna fear, we fear no evil. We will rise by Your power we will go. By Your spirit we are bold! If we’re gonna stand, we stand as giants. If we’re gonna walk, we walk as lions. WE WALK AS LIONS! Today is ours, it’s always been. Before we face the fight, we know Who’s gonna win! We live by faith and not by sight. We don’t want safe and quiet. We don’t wanna run and hide. This is not an intermission. It’s our time, not gonna miss it. You’ve already called us fearless. Unafraid. Everywhere we go, the battle has been won. We know You’ve gone before us. So, we’re taking hold of faith with every step we take. We know we’ll rise victorious! {Skillet}

JANUARY 21, 2021: “You Can Lead A Fly To Honey” …

BEAR WITH ME …

… ’cause this is gonna be a long one! Some days I wake up at a complete loss for words, but then the Cosmos wraps me in the most exquisite cloak and shows me exactly what needs to be said. Like this morning, while having my coffee and scrolling social media, when a friend posted this:

Men, this really is what women want. Even if you cannot provide all of the finances that he speaks about. Thank you Earnest Fenton

“HOW I DATED, PLANNED AND MARRIED MY WIFE”

{Paraphrased Words Of “Earnest Fenton” }

DATED (0-11 MONTHS): I showed up at her job with lunch; I dropped her off at work when it was snowing; I cleared my space early on and gave her my undivided attention; I found out what interested her …

ENGAGEMENT (1 YEAR): I paid off all of her personal debt (before we were married). I didn’t want money to be of concern to her; I told her how much money I had; I told her how much money I make; I created a trust for both of us; I put some “carats” on her finger that represents what she represents to me …

MARRIAGE (1.5 YEARS LATER): I setup a multiple six figure life insurance policies (if something untimely happens to me, money WILL NOT be her issue); I took her to several countries – because: If she is “my world”, I should show her “the world”! I work our plan daily -t o retire her 5-10 years EARLY! I make certain her car is serviced, cleaned and gassed up; When she joins a challenge, I often join w her (if she is getting more fit, WE getting more fit); I empty garbage, scratch her back; rub her feet and run bath water, if needed; I do not cook, but I told her, “You will always eat with me”; I work hard every day and walk through the door like nothing happened; When my wife calls, I ANSWER; We have housecleaning (she can phone whenever she pleases) and a cook for every holiday (because my wife works and I don’t want her tired); She never has to guess where I am – I’m consistent and transparent; I keep a petty cash drawer stocked so she’ll always have cash available; If my wife looks like she’s uncomfortable with you, you are gone (I gotta get rid of ya! Lol, but not)).

MY PHILOSPHY AND MORAL …

A man will never reach his fullest potential without the presence of a GOOD WOMAN! To short her is to short self! To deny her is to deny self! WE DO NOT PLAY SMALL, WE ARE ALL IN!

♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️

I have no idea who “Ernest” is, but as I was his reading words I got literal butterflies and the biggest smile. HE WAS WRITING THE STORY OF US, “The Frog & The Butterfly“. “This man” was my Zachariah. There wasn’t a thing on his list my husband didn’t do, become, or make happen for me, and that, my friends, is the truth! But then something else happened. Listen to just a few of these what in the actual FUCK comments on her post …

A lot of this makes me uncomfortable. He is too focused on money. Sounds like he was hovering and controlling. Maybe in real life it is all good, but reading this sounds like he was trying to buy her feelings.

Not sure this sounds like an equal partnership. Sounds like a control freak to me.

Very sad. That’s not love, that’s predominantly a business arrangement.

I have to agree with you… it looks like everything is HIS responsibility… and what about her? What’s her responsibility on the relationship?

REALLY?

So, let me break this down for you by speaking in “Five Agreements”:

If you’ve learned anything about Zack in this Diary, it’s that ZERO was his focus on money and ZERO did he attempt to buy my feelings. His focus was on being the best man he could be from the literally the minute he said I love you way back at the beginning of this story when he was just a broke frog with big dreams! His focus was me and my daughter, who for the record, he took FULL responsibility for from day one of bringing us home to that tiny apartment of his the morning after we got hitched in a theatre room with only two silver wedding bands and no “carats”. Yet, in the eleven short but powerful years of our season, he managed to check off EVERY single item on that list, such that even in his “untimely death” the only jobs I will ever have to do are continue healing, take care of our daughter, and savor every day to the fullest. THAT is what he wanted, and THAT is what he shall have. You see, my husband died a king, broken though he was, and make no mistake, regardless his accomplishments and what he left behind, HE WAS A KING RIGHT FROM THE START! Especially that night he carried my broken body, mind and heart over the threshold of his humble home. There was no guarantee for all the promises he made, but he ALWAYS DID HIS BEST, because …

he unconditionally loved me, as did I him, and that’s how we became a king and queen. He was not a control freak, an we were never a “business arrangement”! Lol, the only “dowry” he got from my family (who all but forbade me to marry him because he was so BROKE) was $32k in debt, an “unemployable” wife who’d just had a nervous breakdown and her kids. I must admit, though, that our partnership was anything but “equal”. WE SERVED EACH OTHER! My needs came before his, his needs came before mine, and thus the exchange of power. We shared the yoke of our marriage equally, but in vastly different ways. He did his work, I did mine. WE BUILT THIS KINGDOM TOGETHER, and even despite the way he left, he was and will remain a king in his own right, and I the queen who reigns proudly in his honor.

With all that now being said so “impeccably” with my words, I can’t take any of those less than impeccable words so personally. What harsh, unmerited, and assumptive judgments of how another king has chosen to cherish his queen. I say “almost” because I am still living this very dream as a true and loving testament to the reality of his words. But you see, a fool can’t know what what they don’t know if they’ve never actually walked in these shoes.

They don’t know that all Zack ever wanted was to give us everything, not just “things”. They don’t know how thankful he was to finally have a home, no matter how big or small, because he knew too well what it was like not to have one, but even more so how it felt to be unvalued, disregarded and left behind. He knew how it felt to lack a single person’s unwavering blind faith in him or belief that he wasn’t the “Zack of shit” they always said he was in the life he lived before us.

All of which leads me to this last but not least “Fifth Agreement”. Of course they’re skeptical, and of course they doubt. So much of what we hear is untrue. But these people don’t know my truth, and perhaps they never will. They don’t understand that the legacy of a great monarch is not all the treasure left behind in the trove, but “the crown and scepter they wielded in their soul” that lives on to light the paths of their kingdom infinitely. So, instead of letting the nasty comments of truly ignorant people belittle and invalidate the integrity and intention of one of the best men, husbands and fathers this world has ever known, instead I’ll just pray that someday they too will “know what I know”, because its honestly quite sad that they don’t. God doesn’t make anything but kings and queens to rule in this realm He created, so we should love others, and especially our spouses, just as He loves us – ALL IN!

Still, what are the chances that everyone will know the treasure of a spouse that loves like this? You can lead a fly to honey, but no matter how much a bee tries to tell the fly how sweet it is, most flies have only either seen, tasted or landed on death or piles of shit. Shit is what they like because shit is all they’ve known – SO SHIT INDEED IT IS! Been there. Done that! It took me almost 40 years to understand how love is supposed to “bee”, that indeed is truly exists, and that unless and until you’ve finally tasted honey – SO SHIT IS WHAT YOU SURVIVE ON! Damn! How did this go from kings and queens to bees, flies and SHIT? Lol. Welcome to the mind of a genius! Love me or hate me, it is what it is. If you don’t like what I have to say, not only do I not really care, it’s none of my business anyway. So, thaaanks! Gotta run now … MY KINGDOM OF HONEY IS CALLING!

JANUARY 18, 2021: “Happy” …

… when you see this little dealio floating around on everyone’s social media and this is the first picture that comes to your mind …

Yes indeed, I really was “happy and content” every single moment of 2020. Happiness isn’t a state of mind, by the way, IT’S A CHOICE! Does that mean I never experience sadness, anger, or frustration? HELL NO! Of course I do! Just because I’m a Light in the frigging dark doesn’t mean I’m not human. But even at my saddest, maddest, or most “bent out of shapest”, I’m still always happy. Sounds twisted, right? Well, it doesn’t mean it isn’t true!

I choose JOY!

I choose RIDICULOUS!

I choose SILLY!

I choose OPTIMISM!

I. CHOOSE. HAPPY!

JANUARY 17, 2021: “Dear God” …

DEAR GOD, IN ACTUAL HEAVEN:

I just wanted to take a minute to say thank you. Like, as in, from the deepest places of my infinitely grateful heart … THANK YOU! Thank you for all these beautiful memories tucked safely in the most sacred places off my mind, the overwhelming magnitude of which eclipse even the darkest hours I’ve walked through here on Earth.

For instance, THANK YOU for this epic rant from two years ago this day that has now become one of my go-to picker uppers on those rare occasions that I’m feeling down. It makes me smile, AND remember, that I really WAS married to a KING and I truly AM the luckiest woman on this Earth. To know him was to love him, and yes I still do, and I always will, until I see him again with YOU!

So, THANK YOU GOD! THANK YOU FOR HIM, and that he was OURS, and only ever ours, and for the bittersweet consolation in knowing that the foolish “family” that threw him away missed out on knowing one of THE brightest souls in any room and one of THE best men, husbands and fathers this world has ever known. Her “Zack of shit” was one of our truest treasures, and yes I take extremely twisted pleasure in knowing full well that despite the lies they must surely tell themselves as they look inside their empty mirrors, only WE got the privilege and honor of truly knowing the wonder of everything that was “him”.

Likewise, THANK YOU for this equally epic memory from three years ago this day. You know, the one where I found that ever-loving blanket I snuck onto her bed folded neatly on my desk with this ‘lil nugget of sarcastic wit that could only be served by one of my favorite phoenixes of all …

Yes indeed, I’m a truly blessed queen that I should have this abundance of treasure to propel me forward, never backward, and keep this torch I carry into Your eternity burning as bright as bright can be! I love my life. Every single minute of it – the good, the bad, and even the very ugly.

THANK YOU.

With as much love and adoration as could possibly be put into words from one of your favorite brats of all …

ME.

JANUARY 15, 2021: “The Only One In Color” …

The first time Williamson and I ever heard this song together was on a road trip to Hot Springs, Arkansas, and although I myself had heard it before, it wasn’t until hearing it with him that it really took root in my heart. I’ll never forget it! We were driving down I-30 on a beautiful, crisp, bright blue day. We had the Sun roof open, the radio playing, and the view out the front window was ethereal. We were at one of those junctures that found us both just peace-filled, quiet, and immersed in the moment. We didn’t have much to say, and didn’t need to say much, because our truly connected souls said everything without any words. So, when this song cued up and the lyrics began to avail … he quickly grabbed my hand and squeezed it so tight. He looked at me. I looked at him. IT WAS THE PERFECT TRIBUTE TO THE WAY WE FELT ABOUT ONE ANOTHER. We ended up playing it over and over on that trip, and in the decade that followed it became one of our favorite songs. He had always said that we were the only “color” his lonely heart had ever known, and sadly, that was true.

“… in a world of black an white, you are the only one in color”.

What I love most about this song is how poignantly it now speaks to the abundant growth and life I achieved in the years I was lucky enough to be in his halo. Not only was I able to slay the demons living inside the haunted place that was once my broken mind and become an actual living queen, I was also able to find my missing reflection in a mirror and see the formerly “black and white me” in so many beautiful colors.

If you are reading this and struggling to find the color in your life, I want to encourage you to please get out of your own heavy heart and haunted head immediately. Find the closest mirror, take a good, hard look inside, and find the broken kid hiding behind it who needs to YOU to pull them out of the dark and into the Light. You weren’t created to be colorless – YOU WERE CREATED TO BE A MASTERPIECE! The last time I checked, God doesn’t make mistakes, so you have to give yourself permission to walk away from people or situations that have made you feel invisible – UP TO AND INCLUDING YOURSELF – so you can stand in front of a mirror and say …

OMG – I FUCKING LOVE YOU!

… at which point you slip a crown or tiara on your head and head out into the world like the priceless piece work of art you truly are! Now then … WHAT DO YOU THINK COMES NEXT HERE? That’s right folks, I’m gonna need you to listen to this song AND SING IT OUT LOUD TO YOURSELF! Perhaps one of the best wisdoms I’ve learned on my journey thus far is that “love songs” aren’t just for lovers. YOU should be the “only one in color” greatest love story of your life!

ONLY ONE IN COLOR

I’ve been searching all my life. I used to be so color blind. You opened up my eyes. Do you wanna share your dreams? See a different side of me? You’re everything I need. I like it when you think out loud – the things you say when you know there is no one else around. Well I can dig my own graves now, but will you smile every time I try to crawl my way out? There is no one like you! I live in a world of black and white and you are the only one in color. There is no one like you. Into a mystery I slide – I want you to keep it all uncovered. You are the only one in color! You know how to set that mood. You can light up any room just by the way you move. The only one who understands. What I’ve given you you’ve given back. Come on and take my hand. You turned an old world upside down. A wave of calm when I was so tightly wound and so full of doubt. I’ll never tell you that two’s a crowd. I know I can’t get through without ever needing you around. {Trapt}

JANUARY 12, 2021: “Unconditionally” …

How many women can say they’ve had “this kind of love”, not once, but TWICE? I can say it, BECAUSE IT’S TRUE! Two KINGS on this Earth have loved me. Not one, but TWO! Unconditionally, under even the worst conditions, with every ugly scar, scab, wound and ghost. Yet, as blessed as I’ve been in now being able to say that, here’s the hardcore, sobering truth …

DEATH HAPPENS.

Let’s just face it people – IT DOES! But as I’ve said before, it really isnothing at all“. No one, and I mean NO ONE, gets out of here alive. Even so, something truly magnificent happens when you find a way to not only make peace with it, but more so than that, to bask in the light of all that it was and everything it brought you and find the strength to let it go gracefully when it’s not meant to stay forever. The memories. The laughter. The joy. Everything that comes after you leave out all the rest is the beauty that rises in the aftermath of “death” and it’s all that really matters.

Now that I think about it, how many PEOPLE can say they’ve had “this kind of love” from anyone, up to and including their own family? The ability to love without condition isn’t a given and doesn’t come naturally. Well, WAIT! Let me reframe that, as I do firmly believe that we were created to “love unconditionally” – BUT – that from the moment we draw our very first breath, our circumstances and environment are what take us by the hand and the lead us on our love journey. While the most fortunate of us who were raised in optimal conditions do tend to fare better in their propensity to love and be loved without boundaries, unfortunately, others of us who are born into unfavorable environments laden with generationally toxic relationship tools are doomed right from the womb. Not being able to love or be loved unconditionally is the gift that just keeps on giving.

At the end of the day …

if you’ve never had “this kind of love” even ONCE in your life, it is my greatest wish that before your journey is over you do!

But REMEMBER …

START WITH YOU!

If you can’t love yourself unconditionally, you’ll never be able to recognize or receive it from anyone else. This beautiful song obviously speaks VOLUMES to my point – BUT – when you listen to it, SING IT OUT LOUD TO YOURSELF! I know – it sounds ridiculous, right? I’M TELLING YOU … it wasn’t until I was able to rise up and love ME the way I wanted to be loved that “this kind of love” finally found me!

JUST TRY IT AND SEE WHAT HAPPENS!

UNCONDITIONALLY

Oh, no, did I get too close? Oh, did I almost see what’s really on the inside? All your insecurities. All the dirty laundry. Never made me blink one time. Unconditional. Unconditionally. I will love you unconditionally. There is no fear now … let go and just be free. I will love you unconditionally. Come just as you are to me. Don’t need apologies. Know that you are worthy. I’ll take your bad days with your good. Walk through the storm, I would. I do it all because I love you. I love you. Unconditional. Unconditionally. I will love you unconditionally. There is no fear now … let go and just be free. I will love you unconditionally. So open up your heart and just let it begin. Acceptance is the key to be … truly free. Will you do the same for me? {Katy Perry}

JANUARY 9, 2021: “Drinking Straw Parasites” …

AND NOW …

A WORD FROM OUR SPONSOR:

Just thought I’d share this lovely PSA for your reading enjoyment! Are YOU letting parasites drink from YOUR straws?

GOOD GRIEF, I truly hope not! As for me, I stopped handing out my straws so freely a few years ago. It wasn’t immediate, of course, but rather, quite the arduous and painful process. Setting boundaries was extremely difficult, because I’M AN EMPATH, and despite what some may choose to believe, I don’t take pleasure from either hurting people or seeing them hurt. So, the “Hi everyone, IT’S ME CAT! Here you go, take one of my straws” days are OVER! There was a time not too long ago that I didn’t even realize how valuable my straws were, so I’d hand them out to practically anyone.

That was then!

This is now!

These days it seems I’ve become an absolute raving biotch, and in some regards I suppose it’s true. It just depends on who’s watching me “hoard my straws”! I’ve said it before … and I’ll say it again …

I’M AN ACTUAL QUEEN,

AND QUEENS DON’T TAKE EVEN NOMINAL AMOUNTS OF SHIT FROM ANYONE!

These days, I’ll only “really give” what I actually get, because my time, effort, attention and energy are some of the most precious commodities a VERY LUCKY human being could possibly get! My “straws” are reserved for ONLY other kings and queens and that’s just how it is.

“HI EVERYONE, IT’S ME, CAT! I’M THE NICEST DAMN BIOTCH YOU’LL EVER WANNA KNOW AND MY STRAWS ARE EFFING PRICELESS!”

Now then, please do enjoy this all too fitting drinking straw parasite serenade from perhaps my favorite “don’t you DARE take shit from ANYONE” sponsors of all … the one … the only … THE GHOST … THE IVAN!

JANUARY 8, 2021: “Leave Out All The Rest” …

One year ago today we took the first bit of his ashes “home” to the Blarney Castle gardens, so when the memory of our trip popped up on Facebook, it prompted a sweet conversation with Christian. Although both the kids are doing much better now than they were a year ago when everything was still so raw, he’s had a really tough time with Zack’s suicide. Not only were the two of them extremely close, but Christian had always said,

You two HAVE to stay together and happy forever … your relationship is the ONLY thing that restores my faith in love.

As you can imagine, August 23, 2019 jaded him even more than our life before Zack did. It was heartbreaking for me to watch their processes at the onset of this nightmare knowing their “hero” let them down in such traumatic and devastating ways. However, watching the miracle of transformation in each of their hearts and how they’ve both been able to forgive him for so much more than any of you will ever know is truly one of my greatest blessings.

Indeed it is true that I have an “uncanny way of taking the best parts of everything and everyone and leaving out all the rest”. I suppose the abundant and seemingly endless amount of grace I have for others is one of my best attributes, and I truly do always look for the best in everyone. But here’s the thing …

IT’S NOT ME.

IT’S HIM!

He’s the one who has “graced me with grace and forgiveness“, and His grace and forgiveness for the endless amounts of bullshit I’ve engaged in over the years is what I owe to others. Now, does that mean I’ll tolerate bad behavior towards me or mine? NOPE! Those days are gone for good! My boundaries are beyond firm at this point and there is absolutely no going backwards. This is how we choose to remember him … by taking only the joy and treasure he brought to all our lives in the decade we got to have him and leaving out all the rest. Likewise, “when my time comes” I hope that my own legacy is none the worse for the wear despite all the wrong that I’ve done!

LEAVE OUT ALL THE REST

I dreamed I was missing. You were so scared. But no one would listen, ’cause no one else cared. After my dreaming, I woke with this fear. What am I leaving when I’m done here? So, if you’re asking me, I want you to know … When my time comes, forget the wrong that I’ve done. Help me leave behind some reasons to be missed. And don’t resent me, and when you’re feeling empty, keep me in your memory. Leave out all the rest. Leave out all the rest. Don’t be afraid. I’ve taken my beating. I’ve shared what I’ve made. I’m strong on the surface, not all the way through. I’ve never been perfect, but neither have you. So, if you’re asking me, I want you to know …When my time comes, forget the wrong that I’ve done. Help me leave behind some reasons to be missed. And don’t resent me, and when you’re feeling empty, keep me in your memory. Leave out all the rest. Leave out all the rest. Forgetting all the hurt inside you’ve learned to hide so well. Pretending someone else can come and save me from myself. I can’t be who you are. {Linkin’ Park}

JANUARY 6, 2021: “O Say Can You See?” …

~ January 6, 2021 … The Bunratty Castle … Ireland ~

One year ago tonight THIS happened at The Bunratty Castle in Ireland …

~ MY SON ~

This was one of THE best nights of our life!

Well I’m gonna sing the only song there is to sing!

Then he sang our National Anthem!

I’m not gonna lie … it brought actual tears to my eyes and a knot in my stomach this morning as I watched it again when the “Facebook memory” popped up. Even despite what the three of us had been through, “who was missing“, and why we were on that trip to Ireland in the first place, if only we had known what was to become of this beautiful country not too long after we arrived home.

Oh say can you see … by the dawn’s early light … what so proudly we hailed at the twilight’s last gleaming. Whose broad stripes and bright stars through the perilous fight. O’er the ramparts we watched, were so gallantly streaming? And the rocket’s red glare … the bombs bursting in … gave proof through the night that our flag was still there. O say does that star-spangled banner yet wave … o’er the land of the free and the home of the brave.

For the record, I’m a lover of every country on this beautiful Atlas. Of course I’m a Patriot, but more so am I a human being who is thankful for human beings … no matter “where” on this globe you call home. My pride in America is by no means a slight or disregard to any other country’s soil. I’m a blessed American woman, indeed it is true. But I’m for the love of all people – everywhere – because …

WE ALL BLEED RED!

JANUARY 1, 2021: “Twenty-Twenty-ONE-Derful!” …

HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE!

500. The number of days that have passed since Destiny took me by the hand and started leading me down a path I never saw coming. With that in mind, and in keeping with my “Fifty-ONE-Derful” years of life thus far, I have dubbed today as January 1st, “Twenty-Twenty-ONE-Derful”! Realizing, of course, that I am blessed beyond measure to find myself in a place that while on the surface seems dark and tragic, at it’s roots is nothing short of a miracle, wrapped in iridescence, and adorned with the most beautiful crown a queen could wear.

I once heard it said that fifty is the beginning of our golden years. As such, I find no coincidence with regard to the fact that as I’ve walked through the fog to the Brighter Side Of Grey, I’ve also managed to stumble upon The Golden Circle. Indeed I’ve come to bittersweet, endearing terms with “my why“, so from this point forward it’s just a matter of discovering “how” and “what”.

If I could have one wish right now, it would be that I really could just zap you all with “this thing” that’s coursing through my veins. It’s my super power, my ultimate peace, and absolute euphoria! It’s the simple yet overwhelming joy in finally realizing that not everything is about me, because I am nothing, which is why I am everything. The paradigm has shifted. The cycle is broken.

It is not in my nature to ask for anything from anyone, especially inasmuch as I not only have every “thing” a woman could ever want, likewise I have everything a human being will ever need. Still, here I am asking. First and foremost, if there is ever an opportunity for you share something poignant I’ve said or written that has touched you, will you please share it so that perhaps some of these pebbles I’m skipping across the pond can radiate even further? Second, sit with this beautiful song I love so much and really let it sink in. Let the words wash you clean, lift you up, and encourage you. Let them help you cry if you need to. Let them validate and give you the permission you may have been searching for to let go of some of your burdens and cut yourself some slack so that you too can discover “your why” and become an iridescent Light unto the masses. And last but not least, make it a beautiful, powerful, and epically life-changing year my friends …

“Twenty-Twenty-ONE-Derful!”

IRIDESCENT

When you were standing in the wake of devastation. When you were waiting on the edge of the unknown. And with the cataclysm raining down, insides crying, “Save me now”, you were there, impossibly alone. Do you feel cold and lost in desperation? You build up hope, but failure’s all you’ve known. Remember all the sadness and frustration – and let it go. Let it go. And in a burst of Light that blinded every angel, as if the sky had blown the heavens into stars. You felt the gravity of tempered grace falling into empty space. No one there to catch you in their arms. Do you feel cold and lost in desperation? You build up hope, but failure’s all you’ve known. Remember all the sadness and frustration – and let it go. Let it go! {Linkin’ Park}

DECEMBER 31, 2020: “Burn It Down Black Sheep” …

Oh, wait!

I AM “THAT” AUNT OR UNCLE!

Okay, so, I have no nieces or nephews. Nevertheless, it’s true … I’M THAT “ONE”! The game board flipper. The disloyal, disgruntled employee who dared to rip the Venom suit off and burn it all to the ground.

The Black Sheep.

Am I exactly where I want to be? Not even close! My detoxification process has been a bittersweet and often very lonely journey for my broken heart, mind and soul. In the beginning, it took every ounce of strength and conviction I didn’t have. Correction. I did have it, I just didn’t know it. Let’s just say it was dormant. Sleeping. Laying in wait like, umm, a sleeping dragon. But damn, did she wake up?

Holding fast to all these boundaries that now enthrall me never really gets easy, by the way, and if you too are “this person”, you know just what I’m saying. While I am certainly no doctor or mental health professional, what I have garnered in my lifelong, hands-on study of the cyclical nature of “family”, it’s that more so than not, it’s the empath who is usually the black sheep of each bloodline. Likewise do I strongly believe that the sometimes arduous task of being the proverbial game-changer is at least an honor, if not at best a cosmic calling. I recently read an intriguing article in this regard by an actual doctor:

Have you been the black sheep? The weirdo? The one cast out, judged, misunderstood or ridiculed by your family? Maybe, just maybe, instead of them being here to teach you, you are here to teach them. Instead of your family, friends, work place, and society trying to get you to fit into their mold, is it possible you are really here to break the mold altogether? Being an empath is an honor, a pre-ordained sacred role. And it is the way forward. Instead of ambling through life doubting your exquisite brilliance, can you instead stride in full brightness believing…knowing…you are the prototype for the next phase of human evolution? Can you embrace the risk of being different? Can you accept, with humility and confidence, your mission – however small or large – to contribute a higher vibration to the collective?

Michelle Robin, “Empaths Are Here For A Cosmic Purpose “:

COMMISSION ACCEPTED!

I have a crown on my head, a sword in my hand, and crystal clear sights on the future I want for my children. If my work is done well and my legacy lives on the way that I pray, neither my kids’ kids nor their kids’ kids will have to hear the tragic tales of the abuse, manipulation, emotional extortion, and endless human wastelands of mental health corrosion their “Crazy Grandma Cat” finally laid to rest. There’s an age old saying that goes something like this:

If you’re not sure who the black sheep of your family is, it’s probably you.

Author Unknown

I never had to wonder, because in my heart I’ve always known. It was me, and I wouldn’t have it any other way.

DECEMBER 30, 2020: “Shine Bright Like A Diamond” …

Hello my friends from Nashville, Tennessee, USA! We are still here enjoying our holiday in the crisp, clean, cool mountain air! This morning, as I was enjoying my coffee and preparing for our road trip to Pigeon Forge this afternoon, for some reason I was just “thinking” about how excited I am to see all the holiday lights and sparkle and twinkle that surely await us this night. Then, my thoughts turned back to ME once again, and my kids, and my extraordinarily beautiful diamond of a life. I’m just so thankful for so many things that even with “all my words”, I was kind of outta words.

Then, I turned my head and saw him sitting there on my sister’s shelf, because never shall there be a trip near or far that he won’t be going with us. Why is that, you ask? Well, I’ll tell you! It’s simply because after all is said and done, we owe so much of this “diamond life” to him … the fallen king who prepared this wide open path for us to move forward in whatever direction we choose.

Then, I smiled and remembered how much I love this song and how he used to laugh whenever I was singing it out loud and literally twirling through whatever space I occupied where he let me be whoever and whatever I wanted to be, hands down, no questions asked, unconditionally.

So, yah, this is my vibe today! I’m gonna rise and shine, as usual, and always, SO bright that it actually does hurt people to look at me. And by the way, this legacy he left us? It only looks forward and never behind (unless we’re remembering all the laughter and joy). ‘Cause I’m a queen, raising a princess and a king, and that’s what I do, and this is my legacy!

DECEMBER 25, 2020: “Be Good To Yourself” …

If you are reading this right now, I want you to know that YOU MATTER TO ME! I want to wish every single person who’s still alive and kicking the utmost of love, strength, courage, and perseverance today and always as we head into a brand new year!

And PLEASE …

If you are going to make only ONE resolute plan for 2021, let it be this one:

Just.

Be.

Kind.

And by the way, “being kind” includes being kind to YOURSELF! God doesn’t make anything but kings and queens my friends. It’s our job alone to find our crowns and get them on our own heads – NO ONE ELSE’S! No one, and I mean NO ONE, is coming to save you from anything. You have to do that on your own … and … YOU CAN! But not before first learning how to be kind – TO YOURSELF. After that EVERYTHING else will fall into place. I promise!

DECEMBER 24, 2020: “‘Twas The Night Before Christmas” …

… and all through the land, every creature was patiently awaiting the band …

A VERY MERRY CHRISTMAS TO MY AMAZING KNUCKLEHEAD FAMILY AROUND THE GLOBE … not the least of which is Ivan Moody, Chris Kael, Zoltan Bathory, Charlie Engen and Andy James. 2020 wasn’t half as bad as I suppose it could have been because of all of you! Wishing you all so much love and a POWERFUL 2021!

DECEMBER 22, 2020: “The Last One Alive” …

Better you’re the last one alive, than a soul denied.

Level up TODAY people.

LEVEL UP!

… because the more you suffer in training, the greater your victory on the battlefield of your life! This is where you’ll find the only hope within this place “where angels fall, and darkness reigns, and time dissolves the brightest flame“. COMMAND YOUR OWN DESTINY MY FRIENDS — WITH THE MOST POWERFUL WEAPON YOU POSSESS — YOUR MIND! Don’t cower to the devil, or the masses, or yourself. Just sayin’.

Yours truly … “Commander Cat”

DECEMBER 21, 2020: “The Bitter End” …

THIS IS ME.

Contemplating … everything behind me, and everything ahead … but mostly … EVERYTHING IN THIS MOMENT! No matter what I’ve ever been through or have waiting down the road, I’m STILL the luckiest queen I’ve ever known. Win, lose or draw, my heart is wide open to any and every possibility, with a battalion of angels and the God they serve working behind my scene 25 hours a day, all of whom follow my every step and guide my path with a Light I can’t even. But this much I know …

… somehow we’ll be alright!

(And by the way? That includes YOU!)

THE BITTER END

I’ve walked every road and turned every corner. Searched high and low where I did not belong. Adrift with the tide – always hungry and yearning. If only I’d known that the answer was here all along. The bitter end will come in time. But the joy I have found in the sweet here and now? It keeps me alive I’ve kissed the lips. Of an angel in waiting. Devil in kind. I’ve been lost and deceived. The thrill had to fade in this world for the taking. Once I woke up to what mattered, then I could see. The bitter end will come in time. But the joy I have found in the sweet here and now? It keeps me alive. We’re lost on a road where all we can find are just the remnants of hope that somehow we leave far behind. But this much I know … somehow we’ll be alright. ‘Cause It’s never too late to learn how to start living right. Starting right now, I’ll stop falling down and start living right. {Alter Bridge}

DECEMBER 20, 2020: “Alone. Not lonely.” …

YOU’RE NOT ALONE TONIGHT

We all drink to forget – some of us more than most. When reality gets too real and the fires of hell to close. But I’m here to let you know that that you can make it through, if you believe that someone is watchin’ over you. Call it an angel. Call it a muse. Call it karma that you’ve got comin’ to you. What’s the difference? What’s in a name? What matters most is never ever losin’ faith. ‘Cause it’s gonna be alright … you’re not alone tonight. We all have our days when nothing goes as planned. Not a soul in the world seems to understand. And for someone to talk to, you’d give anything. Well go on and cry out loud – ’cause someone’s listenin’. Call it an angel. Call it a muse. Call it karma that you’ve got comin’ to you. What’s the difference? What’s in a name? What matters most is never ever losin’ faith. ‘Cause it’s gonna be alright … you’re not alone tonight. {Keith Urban}

DECEMBER 19, 2020: “I’m Gonna Love You” …

James kisses Margaret before he comes to see us. James kisses Margaret before he does pretty much anything.

{The Daily James}

Dear God:

Earlier today I got my saw this video on my Instagram feed, which I’m sure You already knew. Knowing my heart the way You do, You also already knew how taken I was, once again, by the way James literally bows to that Queen he loves so desperately, yet at the same time, no matter how high he places her above himself, he is only ever right beside her. As You and I both know, and as I finally got to learn in the most ethereal way, when a king loves a queen love so deep and so true that each of their hearts but serve the other, the balance of power is never a struggle and there is no “servitude” whatsoever.

As we have already discussed, You know that I know that I trust You implicitly. You and he both made me a queen, and there is no going back to where I came from. I will not and cannot settle for anything less than everything where another partner on this journey is concerned, and I’d rather reign here “alone, but not lonely” if that’s what Your plan shall be. That being said, if indeed there “one last king on Earth” You have waiting for me somewhere, can I please just ask that he really be a king. Like You. Like Zack. LIKE KING JAMES THE RAVEN …

THE RULER OF QUEEN MARGARET’S HEART!

It’s an impossible order, but hey, look Who I am talking to! I’ve had two kings before, and three is the perfect number, so maybe, just maybe, we shall see. In the meantime, I will just have to wait for the moments like these when the image of two love birds washes over me. “Just a chill in a winter breeze, standing in the cold debris that left behind so many beautiful memories.” Like every word that has left Your lips, and those of my beautiful husband, there are fingerprints everywhere to evidence the love that has committed me right back to “here”. I really do only want to be remembered for being that one who will always ever say “I’m gonna love you … I’m gonna love you endlessly” to that one last king who may be waiting to fly the remainder of my heart into eternity.

James almost always positions his head right below Margaret.

{The Daily James}

I’M GONNA LOVE YOU

Something still comes over me. Just a chill in a winter breeze. Standing in the cold debris left behind a memory. Every word that left your lips left behind your fingerprints. Every crime that love commits brings you right back here to this. I only want to be remembered for being the one who’d always say that I’m gonna love you … I’m gonna love you endlessly. I’ll never be one to yell surrender as long as you’re standing next to me. ‘Cause I’m gonna love you. I’m gonna love you endlessly. No escaping this embrace every time I see your face. Around the love I can’t erase. Wouldn’t want to anyway. I only want to be remembered for being the one who’d always say that I’m gonna love you … I’m gonna love you endlessly. {David Cook}

If you are interested in supporting the causes closest to “The King & Queen’s” hearts:

<<<CLICK HERE>>>

DECEMBER 18, 2020: “128,000 Ripples” …

“128,000 RIPPLES AND COUNTING”

It’s been 498 days since Fate started spinning the wheel for our family and 484 days since the king fell off his throne, yet here I am STANDING STRONG with this tiara on my head, but more so than that …

I’M MAKING WAVES!

SO CAN YOU!

PLEASE! If you are reading this and have also been to HELL and back and are still alive to to tell about it … TELL ABOUT IT! Don’t let YOUR own “Survival Resume” have been in vain. You just never know who’s listening and watching or how far your ripples will reach into the ocean! LET YOUR OWN SURVIVAL STORY BE THE REASON SOMEONE ELSE MAKES THE DECISION TO FIGHT FOR THEMSELVES AND STICK AROUND!

DECEMBER 17, 2020: “Yummy Things With Eyeballs” …

… because nothing that is given from her head, heart or hands isn’t just that – given from her head, heart and hands. The funny thing about these “yummies” she made for a very lucky few of us is that they aren’t actually the gift. You’d have to be fortunate enough to get to bask in the glow of her halo to understand what I’m saying. Oh, and, in case I forgot to tell you again

I AM THE LUCKIEST WOMAN ALIVE ON THE FACE OF THIS PLANET!

DECEMBER 16, 2020: “Once … In A Lifetime” …

“The Window”

As promised in this previously recorded live video and in a text to a friend last night …

I totally just walked back into Lifetime and reinstated my membership. Didn’t crumble. Didn’t cry. Didn’t fall apart. It just feels like I’m home. It’s totally supposed to be this way. This is a giant leap! And it was Gia’s final decision – not mine. “Mom, dad wouldn’t want us working out anywhere else. It would wreck him. Besides, queens don’t work out at 24-hour fitness!”

Well, I DID IT! I walked back in to the very place the best decade of our lives began, straightened up my crown, held my head high, and took back that one last piece of my life I was certain I’d have to forsake as I started crossing over. I even stood before the window, and nope, I didn’t cry. I just remembered everything. ALL OF IT!Every day” we got to have him for the most beautiful season of our lives. And by the way, that chair you see to the left of the computer is the very one I was sitting in when our first meaningful conversation began. You know? The one that started our entire story with the shot heard round the world: Ummm, do you even OWN a hairbrush?” Yes, my friends, I’m smiling ear to ear as I’m literally hearing him say it!

So, now I’ll remix the words to this all too fitting song in a manner that the KING who loved this broken queen back to life and turned the four year old girl who bounced into his heart into a princess would have spoken them, if, as I suspect, he watched me powering through one of the most monumental moments of my “lifetime” …

I can see it in your eyes – and I’ve felt it in your touch. I know that you’re scared, but you’ve never been this loved. It’s a long shot, baby, I know it’s true, but if anyone can make it, I’m betting on the two of you. Just keep on moving towards the Sun. I know you’re gonna to see – the best is yet to come. Don’t don’t fear it now. You’re going all the way. That Sun is shining on a brand new day. It’s a long way down, and it’s a leap of faith, but you’re never giving up. ‘Cause you’ve had a once in a lifetime love. Everybody’s looking for what we found. Some wait their whole life and it never comes around. So don’t hold back now. Just let go of all you’ve ever known. You can put your hand in His. Don’t fear it now. You’re going all the way. That Sun is shining on a brand new day. I closed my eyes and I saw you standing right there, saying I do and they’re throwing the rice in our hair. Well your first was born, then his a sister came along, and they’ve got your smile. I’ve been looking back on the life we had. I’m still by your side. So don’t fear it now. You’re going all the way! I’ll never let you go … I’ll be right by your side … just know I’ve made it Home … and thanked God for our …

ONCE … In A Lifetime Love!

To Read The “Rocky IV” Post Referenced In The Video, Click HERE.

DECEMBER 15, 2020: “The Selfish Parent Serenade” …

… ummmm,

YES IT DOES!

Listen up my parent friends, and listen up real good! We only get eighteen years with ’em! Actually, make that sixteen once they get driver’s licenses and become mobile. WE brought them into this world of our own volition, NOT THEIRS! None of them signed up for this gig – WE DID! Our kids shouldn’t have to sacrifice so that WE can have the lives we want. WE should make the sacrifices so that our KIDS can have the lives they DESERVE! There is nothing that should ever come between us and them …

Not a job!

Not a dream!

Not a hobby!

Not an education!

NOT EVEN “THE LOVE OF OUR LIFE”!

Anyone, and I mean ANYONE, who tries to put YOU between them and YOUR children? Thaaat would be a deal-breaker my friends, and that is not “the love of your life”!

Honey, I love you, but it’s me or them …

… to which your response is …

WELL THEN DON’T LET THE DOOR HIT YOU IN THE ASS!

Does that mean that we aren’t entitled to have those things? The jobs, dreams, hobbies, educations, and the loves of our lives? OF COURSE NOT! But here’s the deal … KIDS FIRST! US LAST! Period. End of story! The years with them home will be over before we know it and then it’s OUR time to fly! The sky’s the limit, but not at the expense of the wings we clip, mangle, twist and BURN when we’re more worried about our wings then theirs.

FAILURE TO FLY.

I’m not a doctor, but I’m willing to bet that more “failed flights” than not are due in part to selfish parents who failed to make their kids a priority. Sorry, “not sorry” if that is hard to hear, but the truth does hurt, does it not? Let’s not be stupid and squander the fleeting time we have with them at home. More so than that, let’s not be “those parents” that the parents who do sacrifice to put their kids first talk badly about behind our backs. WORST OF ALL, let’s not be “those parents” whose KIDS will be talking about to their kids one day, telling them all the things we did or didn’t do, and how our selfish parenting landed them in therapy and medicated because we shattered their fragile hearts like glass!

Not to be sanctimonious, but there are certain crimes against humanity that are deserving of such flagrant disapproval and reproach. ASSHOLE PARENTS ARE ONE OF THEM! For the record, I too have been guilty of some not so stellar, very selfish parenting. I’m not EVEN gonna sit here and lie! But guess what? I grew up, WOKE UP, and took a sobering look at the wreckage I’d gifted to the undeserving kids I allowed to become casualties of both “my war withinand my war abroad. After breaking apart for a not so hot minute or two, I looked into the mirror at the little girl who knew exactly how it felt to be at the losing end of an unavailable parent. My guilty conscience took care of the rest. I sat down with my both my kids at different times and stages appropriate to their age and understanding and had the hardest and most awkward conversations of my life:

Kids, I’m sorry, but MOMMY TOTALLY FUCKED YOU OVER! Let me tell you how …

At which point I owned it all, accounted for everything, APOLOGIZED, then vowed to start doing better! Never again will my kids be second to anything or anyone … NOT EVEN MY OWN DAMN SELF!

This song is probably one of the best “selfish parent serenades” I’ve ever heard. Digest the words REAL good! If you’ve ever been guilty of misappropriating the precious gift of parenthood, it may just twist you up inside the same way it twisted me the first time I heard it. That being the case, STOP what you’re doing, talk to your kids, validate their wounds AND FIX IT! “But in the end we were made to be apart in separate chambers of the human heart.” Is that the legacy you want to leave? Certainly not! But children grow up and become adults, many of who end up spending so much time in therapy trying to fix the damage we caused that they have no choice but to keep us in “separate chambers of the heart”. They learn about boundaries and “loving from a distance” to protect themselves from us and break the cycle, and thus the bridge is burned.

For the record, no matter what seemingly unforgiveable parenting mistakes you’ve made, and no matter how old your children are, it’s never too late to own it, account for it, apologize, and do better! As long as you’re breathing and they are too? JUST FIX IT!

BURNING IN THE SKIES

I use the dead wood to make the fire rise. The blood of innocence burning in the skies. I filled my cup with the rising of the sea, and poured it out in an ocean of debris. Ooh, I’m swimming in the smoke of bridges I have burned. So don’t apologize – I’m losing what I don’t deserve. What I don’t deserve. We held our breathe when the clouds began to form, but you were lost in the beating of the storm. But in the end we were made to be apart in separate chambers of the human heart. Ooh, I’m swimming in the smoke of bridges I have burned. So don’t apologize – I’m losing what I don’t deserve. It’s in the blackened bones of bridges I have burned. The blame is mine alone for bridges I have burned. So don’t apologize – I’m losing what I don’t deserve. What I don’t deserve. {Linkin’ Park}

DECEMBER 14, 2020: “Give Him Roots” …

The “Tell Us What You See” Tree {Courtesy Of The Daily James}

This morning I saw this post on my Instagram page by one of my favorite haunts, “The Daily James“, a Los Angeles based wildlife sanctuary that is home to one of my absolute favorite families, “King James, Margaret and the kids“. But I’ve digressed. The post was of this picture above along with one very simple question:

Tell us what you see.

To which I replied …

The thing that struck me the most in this post was the first picture of that magnificent tree. It screamed, “Look here upon my branches – Creation’s true majesty. I am a life well lived, no matter the circumstances or elements that have encumbered me – a true force to be reckoned with. I am ONLY as tall as my roots are deep, no matter HOW twisted and chaotic they may be seem. I am a strong fortress. I am – everything.”

Today is my son’s birthday. Twenty-eight years ago, after nineteen hours and eleven minutes of labor, he was born at exactly 4:50pm! With that, this picture couldn’t have come at a more befitting time, because after I made my response, I immediately thought of this song I’ve loved since first hearing it in the early ’90’s when I just beginning to know Jesus. Up until then, I had been wandering lost in the woods all alone. Actually? Correction: I wasn’t really alone – He was ALWAYS with me, I just wasn’t ready to believe it. Truth be told, even after I accepted Christ into my heart, my walk was a bit of a struggle. I’ve been a really stubborn kid – NO JOKE! Christian was so young at the time, and I tried desperately to give him the solid foundation he needed to get through life. But alas, I failed him at so many turns. It’s the absolute, tragic truth.

Those days are gone though, and now I know better. I truly have seen the error of my ways, not the least of which is the not-so-stable ground I set his feet upon and the wings I helped clip that have made it more difficult for him to fly. Just as sure as God has forgiven me for my many imperfections and failures, I too have done the same. All I can do at this point is try to lead him to The Truth by my example and let His Majesty take it from there. My son is a true force to be reckoned with, just like his mom and sister! It’s just a matter of time … and only a matter of faith. At the end of the day, no matter how “twisted and chaotic” his roots are below, there is a strong fortress working behind him powering the circumstances and elements. The great “I Am” is everything I need to know.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY CHRISTIAN PETER! I love you to the Moon and back and am SO proud to be your mom. I believe in you, always, unconditionally, with every shred of my being, from here until eternity!

GIVE HIM ROOTS

So many voices in his ear. Are they playing on his fears? It’s a bad situation all the way around. But with a solid foundation, he’s gonna stand his ground. Take a little time. Plant the seeds. Give him reasons to believe. Give him roots, and give him wings, and he’ll grow up to do great things. Let him know the joy that he brings. Teach him the value of the truth. Oh you gotta give him roots. Give him wings. When he comes to you and he needs your help, and he’s so unsure of himself, give him vision so he can see the Light. Let him know the difference between wrong and right. Share the wisdom of your peers. There’ll be laughter. There’ll be tears. He should aim as high as the sky. There ain’t nothing he can’t do if he’ll only try. {Clay Crosse}