JANUARY 26, 2023: “Feel What YOU Feel!” …

Now then,

read that again!

On second thought, get it etched on the inside of your forearm where my favorite “Secrets Make You Sick” tattoo is so you’ll see it 24/7.

So, let’s think this through …

Close your eyes for a minute and think about something you don’t like. It can be anything from a person, place, or thing, to a fresh hot steamin’ bowl of lima beans (the mere sight of which make me PUKE). Now that you have that “thing” in the forefront of your mind,

I want you to LOVE IT!

Well? Did you do it? Do you “love it” now? Hmm. Why not? Let’s try this again. I am heretofore demanding that you

LOVE that thing you HATE … NOW!

Did it work? Do you love it now? Umm, no! NO, YOU DON’T! No one can MAKE you “feel” anything unless we want to. It’s one of the perks of being a sentient being. There is freedom within within the confines of our own minds to do, say, think, and FEEL whatever the FUCK we want to. It’s our “this is where I END and YOU BEGIN” autonomy!

I personally have a first-hand perspective of having been programmed from birth to adhere to the thoughts, rules, and pathways that the “powers that be” tried to indoctrinate me with. Even so, there is a POWER within and available to us all to FEEL what we feel, and NOT feel what we DON’T. That POWER is mine! That POWER is yours! NO ONE CAN TAKE IT AWAY FROM US! So, why do we just GIVE it away? No one, and I mean NO ONE, can MAKE you “feel inferior” unless you LET them!

If someone is trying to make you FEEL “inferior”, well, that’s about them, not about you, and, umm, it’s prolly ’cause that’s how they FEEL about themselves. The only way a person who “FEELS inferior” can make themselves feel “not inferior”, is to either deal with themselves and take back their own power, or unleash the ill-perceived “strength” they find in their own deflection try to take someone else’s.

Don’t you DARE let me find out that you are one of my people out there running around letting other people bring you down. You are SO much better than that! I PROMISE! Know who you are, own what you feel, and although you certainly don’t have to be a Jean-Claude Van Damn asshole about it, learn to say, “No, THANK YOU!” when it comes to protecting the boundaries around your FEELINGS!

What I love about song by Rascal Flatts is that while it was obviously meant to be about LOVING who you love, you can replace the word love with “FEEL” throughout and still be empowered by it. Make it a great day, my friends, and FEEL what YOU feel, no matter what!

I guess I’ll never understand it. Why do we take it all for granted until it’s gone. FEEL what YOU feel with all that you have, and don’t waste the time that flies so fast. FEEL what YOU feel, and say that you do. Yeah, with every single breath you’re breathing … FEEL what YOU feel! FEEL what YOU feel … again and again and again and again.
{“Love Who You Love” by Rascal Flatts … Words Adapted}

JANUARY 22, 2023: “Living In The Eye Of The Storm” …

The Eye Of The Eye Of The Storm Sees All
… by My Minds Photographer

On that day, when evening had come, he said to them, “Let us go across to the other side.” And leaving the crowd behind, they took him with them in the boat, just as he was. Other boats were with him. A great windstorm arose, and the waves beat into the boat, so that the boat was already being swamped. But he was in the stern, asleep on the cushion; and they woke him up and said to him, “Teacher, do you not care that we are perishing?” He woke up and rebuked the wind, and said to the sea, “Peace! Be still!” Then the wind ceased, and there was a dead calm. He said to them, “Why are you afraid? Have you still no faith?” And they were filled with great awe and said to one another, “Who then is this, that even the wind and the sea obey him?”
{Mark 4:35-41}

I would much rather stand in the eye of the storm with Jesus as my anchor, then have sailed through a storm-free existence without Him. I would never have known unconditional love, experienced the consumption of His Light, and found my true Home otherwise. Hey, devil? Did you get everything you wanted? Lol! No, you didn’t! You didn’t get ME, now, didja? I’m still here still God’s favorite daughter. Oh, and by the way … HAPPY 10TH BIRTHDAY to this truly EPIC song!



I can’t run … too dangerous to open the door. I can’t hide … there’s nowhere to go anymore. I’ve got nothing to hold on to. I can’t break through living in the eye of the storm.

I’m watching all of these dark clouds. I’m watching blue skies turn to gray … and the lightening has struck ground … and a million eyes start to rain.
I’m watching everything go down. I’m watching everything wash away. The lonely streets don’t talk now. Nobody hears what they’ve gotta say.
I’m watching hopeful hearts breaking. I’m watching lovers turn to enemies. All our memories fading … we forget the ones we really need.
I’m watching evil men break dreams. I’m watching good intentions turn to greed. They’re never satisfied taking what all their power just couldn’t feed.

I know I gotta be strong, but it’s hard to hold on and on and on and on and on. I can’t run … too dangerous to open the door. I can’t hide … there’s nowhere to go anymore. I’ve got nothing to hold on to. I can’t break through living in the eye of the storm. So numb … surrounded by a violent force. Inside … fighting through a deepening war. I need something to hold on to to get me through living in the eye of the storm.

JANUARY 21, 2023: “National JUST LOOK AWAY Day!” …

Awwww! How sweet! Hugs, hugs, hugs, hugs, Jean-Claude Van DAMN mother effing hugs! Step right up, folks, ’cause it’s “National Hugging Day“, which I guess means that imma have to stay in my effing house, ’cause umm …

Did you also know that hugs were invented to drive that probably only 0.1% of humanity who not only don’t like hugs, but after they’ve had to cordially, awkwardly, or unexpectedly get hugged by some well-intended “hugger” who prolly didn’t even mean to assault them, they then have to go rinse their body and soul off with SOAP and SAGE quite literally over the edge? Yup. THAT’S ME! I’m one of those oddball “0.1 percenters” who doesn’t really even want to “people“, much less be stood too close to or HUGGED (unless I WANT TO)!

Ironically, if for some strange reason I really DO want a hug or some, err, “other” (wink, wink) kind of physical connection from a MAN, I literally can’t and WON’T keep my hands off him without either a restraining order or death. My poor husband, God rest his soul, had to literally hide from me at times because assaulting his physicality was my favorite recreational sports.


Hi everyone! It’s me, CAT! Unless I’ve known you for, like, 140 years, and have a VERY close relationship with you … OR I’ve given birth to you … OR you’re going to be party to giving me grandchildren one day … OR I’ve been in love with, engaged to, or married to you … if you see me walking by, look away and don’t get any smart ideas. I may be a “cute” cat at times, but I’ve also been arrested for assaulting someone who physically assaulted me against my will, and will happily go back again.

Now, get out there and just hug the ever loving SHIT out of anyone in your path – BUT – on the off chance that you got this message “loud and clear” and you see me out of the castle today, alls I’m sayin’ is that maybe you could at least just warn a bitch first:

Umm, hi! Did you KNOW that today is National Hugging Day? Guess what, then? INCOMING!

JANUARY 11, 2023: “The Steel Magnolia Under The Stars” …

I just sat there. I just held Shelby’s hand. There was no noise, no tremble, just peace. Oh god. I realize as a woman how lucky I am. I was there when that wonderful creature drifted into my life and I was there when she drifted out. It was the most precious moment of my life.
{“M’Lynn’s Breakdown” … “Steel Magnolias”}
As for God? While of course, at the time I couldn’t exactly feel Him, every single shred of my being knows that He was there in that room with me, just like “The Footprints In The Sand”. He was weeping as He was holding me as I was weeping and holding her as she was dying in my arms during this, the most bittersweet moment of my life. After all those years of praying for a baby, I’d gotten an angel instead.
{“Hello, Goodbye” … The Real Cat Williamson}

Happy 19th, Gina Marie. I, too, realize just how lucky I am to have been there when you drifted into my life, and then again when you drifted out. We may have only crossed paths for a handful of fleeting hours, but I was honored to have been the one to both carry you here and send you right back Home. It truly was the most precious moment of my life.

I’ll see you when I get there my ‘lil Butterfly! Hey, maybe we can meet beneath that beautiful steel magnolia that stands so strong amidst the greyalways bending, but never breaking – just like your apostrophe of a momma. Then, you can tell me all about the stars you’ve been watching me through, and how much brighter they must be from your tiny seat in Heaven. I love you.

JANUARY 8, 2023: “Life After You” …

Ten miles from town, and I didn’t break down, and there wasn’t any smoke on the side of the road. I’m here on my own … but I’m not alone … ’cause wherever I am is my home. All that I’m after is a life full of laughter, and although I won’t be laughing with you, I know that all that still matters is love ever after after the life went through. Yes, there’s still life after you.

The Frog may be gone, the Butterfly he left behind still flitters and flutters with reckless abandon through the skies with a tail fire that rivals even the brightest shooting stars.

Some day, God willing, I’ll drive my grandkids back to this place and tell them all about how everyone thought that Crazy Grandma Cat’s husband was nothin’ but a loser who was gonna have us all living under a bridge.

Though my dwellings have morphed over the years, it’s not where I live or the things I have that define me. My true home is the soul beneath my skin, which I suppose now makes me a turtle, because my “castle” goes with me everywhere. In the meantime, I will never forget where our story began and smile from ear to ear every time I drive by our even think about our little apartment.

Hey, ladies? Never forget that Prince Charming doesn’t always ride up on a white horse with a sword. Sometimes he rolls in with an ass ugly Ford truck, a giant heart, and a pocket full of dreams. Dig for the gold that you find in their heart … NOT the gold in their wallet. Just have unconditional love for and faith in him, support hisdreams in every way possible, don’t bust his balls while he’s busting his own balls trying to get you that tiara, and just see what might could happen!

JANUARY 1, 2023: “Carry Me Down” …

It’s New Years Day again, and thus another 365 days are now waiting ahead for me to take another trip around the The Sun, God willing. Meanwhile, ten days from now will commemorate my Gina Marie’s 19th birthday. You see, in case you didn’t know yet because you’re new around this Diary, I am a mother whose womb has known both life and death.

Believe it or not, though, this most tragic of truths is one of my highest honors and privileges. Why is that? Because you can’t have one without the other – life and death, that is – and losing the daughter I literally prayed for on my knees was one of the most bittersweet catalysts to everything I now understand about the brevity of existence:

Happy 19th birthday, my tiny Gina Marie. I, too, realize just how lucky I am to have been there when you drifted into my life, and then again when you drifted out. We may have only crossed paths here for that handful of fleeting hours, but I was honored to be the one to have both carried you here AND sent you right back Home. It truly WAS the most precious moment of my life.
{“The Steel Magnolia, The Butterfly & The Stars“}

I believe that I was specifically chosen to bear the burden of this twisted sorority I’m in so that I could become a living example of crazy blind faith in a God and His choices that are otherwise unnatural and unfathomable.

As most grieving parents would likely agree, outliving our children and having to survive “here” with the parts of our hearts and souls they took with them isn’t for the faint of heart, and something I would never wish upon another parent. Pray GOD that I don’t ever have to bury another child, because they are my only Achilles’ tendon.

With that, I am reminded of one of those Quora questions that I love to hate so much, and WOW did it end up being the most perfectly timed pairing for my thoughts:

If, indeed, I knew I only had 10 minutes until I died, the FIRST thing I’d do is reach out to my surviving kids and let them know that:

Although I certainly won’t be excited at the news of my death, I am, as they know, ready for what comes next, and have been for quite some time. I know without a doubt what lies beyond “those stained glass doors” and am not afraid.

Though my body will be gone, I’ll be the zephyr in their skies that brushes their cheeks and whispers in their ears, and will be watching them through my telescope.

Because I’m only human, I I’ve made more than my fair share of mistakes as a mom, but did my best to account for, apologize, and validate the wounds I inflicted upon their souls, right the wrongs I could, and become the best version of myself possible – for them.

They were the literal beats of my heart, every breathe that I took, the two greatest treasures of my life, and in the forefront of my mind during every battle I fought, war I survived, and generational cycle I broke so that they could carry on building healthier branches on our plagued family tree.

When it’s finally time for them to read this Diary and watch all my crazy videos, they know that every one of the “secrets” I couldn’t keep anymore were very much my truths, and despite some bumps in the road along my journey, I did my best to create a legacy for them and theirs that would read more as virtual love letter and not a tragedy. Then, I’d beg them one last time to please take only the best parts of me into their lives going forward and leave out all the rest.

Sure, it may be sad at first, but my death will be nothing at all, and I’ll want them to smile when it’s time to bid me adieu knowing that despite the many circumstances that seemed contrary, I had the BEST life ever, was THE happiest queen alive, and they made me so fucking proud just as they were, simply because they were mine!

I’ll be waiting for them with their sister, their stepdad, and the rest of “us” over on The Brighter Side Of Grey.

Yes, I know that’s a lot to relay in less than ten minutes, which is why I already have some things prepared for my crossing over when it’s time for them to carry me down the aisle.

All that being said, the SECOND thing I would do is just close my eyes, make the sign of The Cross, and tell Jesus that His absolute favorite daughter and most divine apostrophe of all is on her way Home and that I literally CANNOT wait to meet Him in person.

Meanwhile, here I am crying my damn eyes out after having written this. No, I’m not afraid of dying, but I know that when it’s time, my kids will be traumatized, and the thought of them amidst another heartache breaks me into pieces. Their pain is my pain. Their tears and my tears. My kids have both already suffered so much on this Earth, but if I’ve done my job well and have planted enough faith seeds for them, “Crazy Momma Cat’s” kids are gonna be alright.

With that, and in honor of not only a new year filled with infinite possibilities, I challenge every one of you to make the next 365 days really count!

This song is beyond special to me, by the way. Zack used to sing it to me, as it was one of his favorite songs of all. It was, therefore, the very last song he heard me play for him as I carried him down that proverbial aisle.


And if you see me losing ground, don’t be afraid to lie. I know the pain inside my heart can’t break the fear inside of yours. And if you see me losing faith in what it means to die, don’t let me leave before I know what lies behind the stained-glass doors. Save sorrow for the souls in doubt. Bleed every care out. Will you carry me down the aisle that final day? With your tears and cold hands shaking from the weight. When you lower me down beneath that sky of gray, let the rain fall down and wash away your pain. For every word we never spoke, we have a tear to cry. For every silence like a wall between a better you and I. So if you see me losing sight of all the death in life, you’ll find the peace in every time I failed to see the death in mine. Let all the fear inside you drown. Tear out the blade and lay it down. Save sorrow for the souls in doubt. Bleed every care out. Will you carry me down the aisle that final day? With your tears and cold hands shaking from the weight? When you lower me down beneath that sky of gray, let the rain fall down and wash away your pain. Oh, the blood is rushing out. Oh, I’m better off without. Oh, the walls are closing in. Oh, sing for me again. {Demon Hunter}

DECEMBER 26, 2022: “The Little White Balloon Girl” …

I can end life. I can bring life. I bring truth. I bring lies. I am heard … but not seen. Who am I? I AM WORDS.

(“Little Toy Guns“)

… and after having read through the many beautiful and powerful Christmas weekend “words” via cards and messages from not just my kids, but many dear friends and followers on my various different social media platforms, knowing MY words are enabling some other people to find a way to let go of some of the really heavy stuff that is anchoring them to either the past, the present, or even the bottom of an abyss has been my greatest gift and treasure. Lol, I even got a heartfelt virtual message from one of my favorite phoenixes of all, the wordsmith of all wordsmiths, Mr. Moody! Ask me if I was mad about it? Nope! I kinda wasn’t!

After having gone back and watched my own live video message excerpt this morning above, and especially after having heard myself refer to “feeling as light as a balloon”, I immediately remembered some “words” I’d once written to myself, my God, and my family:

I’m holding on to white balloons up against a sky of doom. Tell me you see them … ’cause what’s inside of me is invisible to most … even in clear view. I’m sending out a signal to the possibility of you … ‘cause right at this moment I know you are connected to a part of me that I don’t even know myself. The changes in me are likely to be like the weather … stormy and clear … strength into fear bound together. But I’ll break my silence if I believe that you and me could ever be more than just what’s been behind us. I desperately want to learn how to live in the rest of every moment I’m lucky enough to have here on this Earth until the day finally comes, hopefully many years from now, I can move on ahead to what is undoubtedly going to be the most peaceful place of all with a soul that is as light and free as a fistful of white balloons.
{“The White Balloons“}

… and just like that, I have once again come full circle with my beautifully broken reality over a decade after having put such powerful “words” out into the Cosmos. And thus is the story of my life. Yes, I did send out a signal to my husband, my children, my God, and MYSELF, because I knew that I was connected to a part of all of them, all of this, and all of YOU in ways that I have still yet to understand. “Nothing. Everything. ALL OF IT!” … and now, HERE I AM! Has the weather been stormy and clear often both at once? Jean-Claude Van DAMN it has! Have I broken my silence and finally come to believe that I really am so much more than just what’s been behind me? YOU BETCHA!

~ by Gia Embach~

Love me or or hate me, laugh at or mock me, “divinely punctuating” the world is aside from being a mom, my truest joy. Thank you so much to all of you who are on this wordsmithing journey of my own. If only I had a real magic wand, trust me when I say that I would run around POOFING as many of you as I possibly can into the “little white balloon girl” that I am. I just want to be as much of Light in all of this darkness that I can, so, I’ll keep holding on to all my white balloons and praying that not only can some of you can see them, but that one day you’ll be bopping around throughout eternity with a fistful of white balloons of your own.

~ Christmas Eve Words Of
Affirmation From THE Wordsmith ~

DECEMBER 25, 2022: “My NOT So Bitter End” …

So, it’s Christmas 2022, and here I am thanking my Lord and Savior, JESUS yet again for my abundant undeserved blessings and gifts, not the least of which is HIS birthday today. Might I just add to the mountain of intangible treasures under my proverbial tree that I did NOT receive or “become” after the actual storms of HELL I’ve had to walk through?

Bitter • Angry • Sad • Lonely

Depressed • Regretful • Remorseful

Cold • Mean • Jaded • Toxic

Hateful • Hopeless • Lost • Desperate

Stunted • Scared • Faithless • Flightless

• Sightless •

☠️ DEAD ☠️

Am I a little bit annoying at times? YUP! Have I lost my filter? Ya think? Do I still curse like an effing sailor? I hereby invoke The Fifth Amendment! Am I a whack-a-doodle at times? HELLO? Have you read a single thing in this Diary? I’m as certifiably WHACK-A-DOO as they come! But am I a still a shining Light in the dark, God’s actual favorite daughter, and an apostrophe punctuating the pages as as many other lives as I can? Yer Jean-Claude Van DAMN straight I am!

Hi everyone! It’s me, the REAL Cat Williamson, not the FAKE one! All this pain and suffering have been my greatest gifts! The bitter end WILL come in time, but the joy I have found in the sweet here and now keeps me alive!

Merry Christmas to you all, and here’s hoping that you, too, will sift through your own piles of unwrappable but invaluable gifts today, not the least of which are all the things that YOU, too, have NOT become, despite any less than optimal circumstances that should have led to down the road to a bitter end.


I’ve walked every road and turned every corner. Searched high and low where I did not belong. Adrift with the tide, always hungry and yearning. If only I’d known that the answer was here all along. The bitter end will come in time, but the joy I have found in the sweet here and now keeps me alive! I’ve kissed the lips of an angel in waiting. Devil in kind, I’ve been lost and deceived. The thrill had to fade in this world for the taking. Once I woke up to what mattered, then I could see. The bitter end will come in time, but the joy I have found in the sweet here and now keeps me alive! We’re lost on a road where all we can find are just the remnants of hope that somehow we leave far behind. But this much I know … somehow we’ll be alright, ’cause it’s never too late to learn how to start living right. The bitter end will come in time, but the joy I have found in the sweet here and now keeps me alive! {Alter Bridge}

DECEMBER 24, 2022: “Saying GREYCE” …

~ Christmas Eve 2022 ~

Everything changed for the better this night on the thirty year anniversary of her death. Maybe she wasn’t really the devil incarnate … or evil … or my enemy. Maybe she was only ever meant to be the ying to my other Grandma’s yang and one of my greatest lessons in forgiveness, power, and grace of all. For that, I say this:

Grandma, if you can hear me, maybe I had this all wrong? I, of all people, know EXACTLY what it’s like to be a little girl hiding in grown woman’s body so desperately far away from The Sun. Maybe it really IS true that “hurt people HURT people”, and that you, like me, did the best that you could to just SURVIVE.
I’m sorry. SO sorry! Please forgive me for all of the things I’ve thought in my head, and worse yet, the many AWFUL words about you that I put out into the atmosphere. Hey, who knows? Maybe I’ll see, you, too, on the brighter side of all this GREY. I love you.
(PS) If you happen to see my baby, my husband, my Grandma Mary, and my GRANDPA, tell them all that I love them!
(PSS) Oh, and one last thing. If you happened to be watching us through your telescope, perhaps you saw this, too, today? It would appear that THIS, of all Christmas Eves since you left, was meant for some OTHER miracles of forgiveness, power, and grace, too …

DECEMBER 20, 2023: “When The Sun Is Hard To Find” …

… and above all things, don’t forget to shine your Light, fly from the inside, and spread your infection everywhere you roam! Sing and scream your joy so loud that even strangers will feel it oozing from your soul!

This world needs every nugget, glimmer, and beacon of of hope it can get. No, God has not forsaken us, but it can sure as HELL feel that way at times. I get it – I do! Even still, the choice is yours to wake up each day and DECIDE to be a Light in SOMEONE else’s darkness, no matter what less than optimal circumstances and storms are befuddling you. Let these words be the song your soul sings to the people in your direct line of FIRE:

When The Sun is hard to find … when it’s raining in your eyes … when the shadows block those pretty little blue skies living inside you. When the falling of your tears, makes a candle disappear … when you just can’t see The Light, baby I’ll find a way to shine. I’ll find a way to shine!
(“Shine” by Keith Urban)

By the way, don’t forget to sing this one to YOURSELF as often as necessary. I sure as HEAVEN do! After all, I am my own greatest love story, so, why shouldn’t I sing love songs to myself? Now, snap to it people! Get out there and SHINE today. Someone on your path might really need to catch your disease.

DECEMBER 14, 2022: “There’s No Present Like The Time” …

Well, good morning my handsome prince! Here’s hoping this is the best day EVER! Please do me a favor and listen to this new song I found, and listen to it REAL good. It’s special. Yes, it “might” make you cry … BUT … it might also help remind you why we are BOTH doing everything in our power to CHANGE the broken cycle in this family.
I believe with every shred of my being that you do now have ALL the pieces of the puzzle in your hand, not the LEAST of which is “the girl”. Christian, I just know that she is the one God made for YOU. Neither one of you is “perfect”, son. NONE OF US ARE! But trust me when I say that I know your heart better than anyone else in this world. I mean, DUH, I’m the QUEEN who made it. I also know how that vast wonderland of a mind of yours works, too. IT’S JUST LIKE MINE! That’s how I KNOW that you two were made “perfect for EACH OTHER”.
This next season of your life is probably when all the good stuff is REALLY gonna start happening, not the LEAST of which is raising a little family, which is why you NEED to absorb EVERY word in this powerful song. Let it be a song you listen to every day to remind you that there really IS no “present” like “the time”. Just think about the “season” we all had Zack in our lives, and how he changed EVERYTHING for ALL of us. It may have only been “a little more than a decade”, but the truest gift he left behind for all of us was THE TIME.
{Text on December 2, 2022}


Thirty years ago this minute, at 4:50pm, you made your appearance and changed the trajectory of my life forever. Know that as I’m writing this I’m literally crying my eyes out, because I can’t believe how fast the time has flown by. With that, and as you prepare for the first trip of what will hopefully be a lifetime together with our girl, aside from the trip itself, my gift to you is just these “words”. Only, this time, they’re the borrowed words to that Jay Allen song I sent last week.

This morning, I said an extra prayer in addition to my usual ones. I asked God that if any of the words I’ve ever said to you in our last three decades together land and stick to the inner most places of your broken but healing heart and soul, it’s these most powerful ones of all:

Take a picture. Take a chance. Chase a dream. Chase a girl. Say a prayer. Take a trip. Don’t hold your breath. Hold your kids before they’re too big. Help a stranger. Help yourself. Pull that Bible off that shelf. Open it up with your mind. See the world through His eyes. Make the most of what matters the most in this life. ‘Cause it can fade in a minute, no matter how you spin it. That clock keeps ticking. It can stop on a dime. Be careful how you spend it. In a blink, it’s gone, goodbye. ‘Cause there’s no time like the present. Oh, there’s no time like the present. And there’s no present like the time. It’s a gift. It’s all you get. Make a friend. Make amends. Make a call. Tell the truth. Say I love you.

I love you, Christian Peter, “to The Moon and back”, then back again to eternity. Enjoy your trip to Aspen and allow yourself the much needed time to just relax, have fun, cut loose, cut up, and gear up for what I believe is this next most important decade of your life. It’s time for you to start rising above all the ashes we all left you in throughout these bittersweet years, and planting the roots of a much healthier family tree of your own. Please let our many mistakes and failures be the springboard from which you really start “stealing the Sun” and flying from the inside.

Most importantly, though, please take good care of that girl, and remember: “That angel hangs on every word you say”. Always be mindful of how to talk to her. She’s someone’s daughter, someone’s sister, will hopefully be someone’s momma and entire world one day, and she’s the daughter of God who I believe He made perfect just for YOU! No, son, I don’t think she’s perfect” … none of us are … and also, “perfect” would just be boring. But yes, she’s perfect for you. I know with every single fiber of my being that she’s the one I’ve been praying for incessantly since the day that YOU were born exactly thirty years ago. BE IMPECCABLE WITH YOUR WORDS! They’re not just little toy guns, but they are, in fact, like toothpaste: Once you put them out there, you can’t but them back in the tube.

Well, that’s it, then. Another decade is in the books! Here’s to another STELLAR one filled with love, laughter, and every possible brighter side of all the beautiful GREY that is our lives. Although the world may see you as a man, I will only ever see you as the first boy who stole and captured my heart eternally.

Oh, and one last thing. Never forget that Zack is still watching all of this from his telescope in the sky. Keep on making him prouder than he already was and still is after seeing all the growth in you since he’s been gone. I love you to The Moon and back …


DECEMBER 10, 2022: “Infectious DISEASE Control!” …

Three total strangers at the restaurant where we had my son’s birthday dinner tonight said I had “a really infectious energy”, and as we were leaving, one of our waitstaff quickly pulled me aside and said, “You have such a happy spirit, girl. You make me smile!” I almost cried! So, on the drive home alone, I shut off my radio and allowed myself the safe and quiet space to think out loud and just talk to myself. Lol! Yes, I even answered myself back!

How, Catherine? HOW? How in the actual ‘you’ve survived HELL‘ are you not a miserable, jaded, toxic fucking bitch? How do you still smile? How do you still laugh? How are you still so happy? How do you always manage to turn shit storms into sunshine and chaos into creation?
Umm, DUH! Have you MET you? You’re a positively infectious QUEEN, not just because you CHOOSE to be, but because you’re a gift from God to the masses. THIS is How He’s using you … it’s your purpose and highest calling!

Indeed, this was the conversation “me and me” had. Guess what? IT’S TRUE! I do have a genuinely happy spirit. I own it, cherish it, revel in, and embrace it! Meanwhile, if you could be inside my skin and feel how I feel right now, you would think I just won Miss Universe.

If I’m not meant to “walk on” through another 86,400 seconds tomorrow, knowing I’ve made some people in my path feel “positively infected” means I’m living a life of use to others. What if someone who crossed my path tonight is barely hanging on and my “infection” was a glimmer of Light in their darkness? What if one of them really needed smile?

Beauty fades – AND IT WILL – but not only does the energy we send into the atmosphere not fade away, it will linger on infinitely long after our mortal bodies are but ashes returned to the Earth. Thank you, Jesus, that I finally got my energy right, ’cause being a “good infection” in a all too often toxic world is all really want to be. I want to leave this place and the people I meet along the way better than I found them.

Although I had already used this song that has infected my soul since first hearing it twenty years ago, it wasn’t until my drive home last night that one of the lines literally crawled up my spine in every best way possible, and fully circled its way back around to me:

You’re packing a suitcase for a place none of us has been … a place that has to be believed to be seen. You could have flown away, a singing bird in an open cage who will only fly, only fly for freedom. What you got you can’t deny it, can’t sell it or buy it. Walk on!

Little did I know that one day I’d look back and understand that the reason I loved it in the first place was because someday I would actually be the little bird in the song. What I’ve got, I can’t deny it, can’t sell it, or buy it. All I can do is just keep walking on in all my inner beauty, power, and grace, always flying Home to the freedom I’ve found in my infectious soul and blinding everyone around me with my Light.

Tonight, I’ll sleep in peaceful bliss as the most blessed queen of the world. Kinda like “Glinda The GOOD Witch”, but instead, I’m “REAL Cat The Beautifully INFECTIOUS Bitch!” Besides, “all I get to KEEP is all I share“, so, I’m just gonna stay contagious!

DECEMBER 3, 2022: “47 Seconds” …

… and just like that, a very short but powerful 47 second speech by Tyler Perry that I just happened to stumble across tonight became a part of my life story via this Diary because it IS the very short but powerful story of all the bittersweet and beautiful seasons of my extraordinary life.

… and thus, the fourth but probably not last appearance of one of my ultimate “Death Punches” to the heart life songs which is the very first thing that came to my mind when I was listening to this 47 seconds of greatness. For those of you who haven’t heart this beautiful speech yet, know that the “less than a minute” you’ll spend listening to it will be more than worth your investment. ENJOY!

NOVEMBER 24, 2022: “With Love, From The Cave!” …

When I saw this Heraclitus quote recently, one of my all-time favorite songs by one of my all-time favorite bands immediately came to mind, so, I thought I’d pair them together in honor of the 36th anniversary of its release this week:

Strangers In A Strange Land

If there’s one thing I’ve learned in the course of my bittersweet and beautiful lifetime, it’s that the only thing that never changes is the fact that everything changes. Yet, the mere contradiction in the constant “inconsistency” of our existence is something we can all be thankful for. Do me a favor and close your eyes for three seconds, then open them:

ONE one hundred …

… TWO one hundred …

… THREE one hundred!

Well? Did you do it? GOOD! In case you didn’t know, every shred of every thing about not just your life, but the entirety of the world as we know it just changed. While you were busy counting, and even if nothing about you or your surroundings seems different, IT IS! Meanwhile, the wisest of us know that the ability to adapt to constant change is the one true key to survival. Just thing about your ancestors, God rest their souls:

One hundred years have gone and men again they came that way to find the answer to the mystery. They found his body lying where it fell on that day, preserved in time for all to see. What became of the man that started? All are gone and their souls departed. Left me here in this place so all alone.
{“Strangers In A Strange Land“}

As overwhelming as this whole “living” gig can seem, and especially given that sometimes it really can feel as though you’re walking solo through a frozen tundra – NO! You are never all alone! JUST LOOK INSIDE A MIRROR! You are them! They are you! You’re the living embodiment of the quarters they kept and all of the changes they had to weather so that you could be standing upright in this brave new world. They’re beside you and behind you every step of the way, whispering:

Hey, you got this! You’re one of ours and we’ve already carved your path.

Likewise, never forget that you, too, will be the zephyr in someone’s sky. So, be mindful of those footsteps you’ll be leaving behind and whether you’re succumbing to or overcoming the ever-present changes in humanity.

Look, I’m no scientist and certainly no expert on the power of our DNA, but I do know that somewhere in the history of mankind was the very first of “me and mine” and “you and yours”. I’m a woman who stands firmly and proudly upon the mountain of untold trials, errors, lessons, and survival of the countless of my people who came before me. I’m the living, breathing, warrior QUEEN that they produced. Is there really “true royalty” in my bloodline? Who knows? WHO CARES? As far as I’m concerned, it’s not a piece of paper or public opinion that made me who I am today … it’s all those beloved “cave-people” of mine who set me up for success, NOT FAILURE, so, imma make sure that I represent them well and not let any of their sacrifices or wisdom that’s hard-wired in me have been in vain.

For the record, although on the surface, the song seems dark and sad, for me, it became the road map to the flip side of its lyrics:

But now it seems to me that NOTHING’S lost and ALL is gained. Sometimes things ARE what they seem. They heard me calling, rescued me, and set me free in this place, but NEVER lost and alone.

I’ll wrap this up now with one of my favorite quotes by Mariam Rose, the beloved Aboriginal activist, faithful Christian, and artist:

When we heal ourselves, we heal our ancestors from wounds that run deep in our family. When we heal our ancestors, we heal the world from wounds that run deep in humanity.

Carry on, now, all you cavepeople and have a HAPPY and THANKFUL Thanksgiving!

• Jason Archer @archinorn

NOVEMBER 20, 2022: “32 Pennies” …

Okay, so maybe the lyrics to this song don’t really speak to the “32 pennies” epiphany I had this weekend while driving home from Nashville. Even so, these words do apply:

Thirty two pennies in a Ragu jar … that’s all I’ve got to my name … but I love her and she loves me … to the pennies it’s all the same.

Meanwhile, and might I just add how frigging cool the power of “music alchemy” is once again? And last, but not least …

To My Kids,

Regardless of the road we’ve walked together and all the sauce your Dad and I spilled on the proverbial table of your lives, always know that “I loved him and he loved me”. You were both born to this world from love.

Although we may not have had the entire dollar to give each other and sometimes even you two, please know with every shred of your beings that your dad and I both did the very best we could with the set of broken utensils from our own childhoods to make you the best damn sauce we could and fill your childhood piggy banks with as many pennies as possible.

If God is the God I know He is and He continues not to forsake me, I have to believe that each of you will add even better ingredients and more and shinier pennies to your own families’ pots of sauce one day. Just “take the best parts of us“, lock them away without the key, and know that win, lose, or draw, we are always by your sides … now … and eternally. I love you.


… and if I die with a penny in my pocket, then I guess that’s all I need!

NOVEMBER 18, 2022: “Dolly WOULD” …

… ’cause if someone where to ask me, “Cat, if you could only pick ONE legacy to leave behind one day, what would it be?”, THIS would be what it would be:

When the lights go down, the last curtain has dropped, and I’ve taken my final bow, I hope they’ll all say that the ONLY thing I ever wanted to keep was everything I shared, and that when they speak of me, ‘because of Mama I have a good heart’ will be my legacy. “But above all things, I would want them to know that I will ALWAYS love them”.

By the way, if you don’t already know that I was crying my fucking eyes out as I wrote those powerful words, well, then you don’t know me that well at all. Meanwhile, if you know anything of the true and living QUEEN on Earth LEGEND that Dolly Parton is, and that it’s not her gazillion dollar music empire, badass fucking theme park, or the world class resort that’s literally up the street from the SHACK where HER Mama built the legacy that earned them BOTH the crown. It’s her heart!

In being honest, although I do like her music, I’d be lying my ass off if I said I was a true, blue, hardcore fan. I am not. I am, however, a HUGE fan of her kind heart and the magic of her philanthropy. That woman would probably give the tiny little shirt off her back to someone who needed it, which is ironic, since another celebrity I love, respect, and adore who ALSO happens to love Miss Dolly, would likewise give the shirt right off his tattooed back to someone who needed or even just wanted it. In fact, he’s actually done it before. But I’ve digressed. It’s not what you have, my friends … it’s WHO you are and the goodness in your heart that builds a legacy. “To Whom Much Is Given”

Drop the mic!

NOVEMBER 17, 2022: “Something To Believe In” …

How many of you knew that today is “World Philosophy Day“, the international day proclaimed by UNESCO to be celebrated on the third Thursday of every November? Lol! You’re so welcome for this random nugget that you probably could have lived without knowing for the rest of your life!

Meanwhile, of the questions I see most often on the writing forums I frequent is, “What is the purpose and goal of philosophy”? I believe the ultimate goal of philosophy is to help us identify what we really “think, feel, and believe” about humanity, then EMBODY IT! Don’t just say the philosophical word or quote you’ve studied, appreciated, then memorized … Walk it! Talk it! Live it! Breath it! Emulate it! Stand for it! Own it! Embrace it!


In being honest, though, despite the fact that over the years there have been many different philosophies I’ve studied, appreciated, and aligned with, I believe that we should each seek out and endeavor towards our own unique set of “thinks, feels, and believes”, and not just find some someone else’s to strictly adhere to.

Don’t get me wrong, I do suppose that in many ways, the study of other peoples’ philosophies has its merits, but too often, and especially these days, free thinking seems to be a dying art, because everyone is so fixated with “labelism” and the sense of identity they feel by belonging to a specific mindset or group:

Oh, yes, I’m a Platonist, or Aristotelian, or Stoic, or Epicurean, or a Skeptic!

Oh, really? That’s awesome! ISN’T IT GOOD TO BE YOU! It looks like you’re in the cool club now because you’ve read some ancient words and found “something” to believe in! But, umm, hi! What do you think? What do you say? What do you feel? Do you have ANY original thoughts or synapses of your own? Or, instead, are you a 6 billionth edition mimic of some dead guy’s novel concept that you read in a textbook or on some social media post that just happened to appear on your feed?

As for me? As I said, I have both studied and appreciated a little bit of all the many schools of philosophy, and guess what, people? I’ve found mindset platforms I align with in almost every one of them – some of which blatantly oppose and contradict themselves. My personal philosophy is MINE and sometimes it can often change with the season. I call my school of thought, “Life According To Cat”, and I am here to tell you that, frankly, some my ideologies may actually be quite ridiculous. But they’re mine, and mine alone, and not only do I not shove them down peoples’ throats, I’m also wise enough to know that some of the things I do, say, think, and believe may be categorically WRONG! I’m very rigid about some things, and very open-minded about others, and sometimes those varied paradoxes can happen within the same five minutes!

I’m “THE FIRST OF ME” and “THE LAST OF ME”. The multi-dimensional and fascinating world between my ears is something even I don’t always understand, but I just go with it anyway, because I’m ME, and I CAN, and as long as I’m not burdening anyone with the “philosophy” I embody, then it’s Jean-Claude Van DAMN none of anyone else’s business what “school of thought” is in session for me each day. I have no want to be labeled or categorized, nor do I need group to belong to at all. I belong to MY group: “Real Cat, Party Of One!” Anyone who’s ever tried to put me in a group or box has usually ended up with that same box right up their ass!

So adamant, am I, that human beings learn to think for themselves, that I even deter my own children from adhering to my philosophical ideologies and beliefs. I don’t WANT them to be just like me, think just like me, or believe just like me. They’re my children – not my puppets, extensions, or mockingbirds. If I’ve done my job well by the time they’ve left my nest, they’ll be “where I ended and THEY begin”, not Xerox’s of dear ole mom. Parents who raise their kids that way are GROSS! Oh, yah, that’s just ONE of my RIGID “Real Cat” philosophies. Parents should allow their children to be who they were meant to be – NOT who they WANT them to be. But that’s another answer for another day.

I’m not gonna lie, folks, it has taken me a very long time to arrive at the answer to that, “what is the purpose and goal of philosophy” question that began this Diary entry, and in doing so I found something else to believe in short of my belief that the truest value in philosophy is only achieved when it’s taught us to find our own, which is this …

No matter how many enlightening books I read or dead guys’ words I’ve studied, I will faithfully continue to sit down with myself and have the same long, heartfelt and often heated conversations with me about all the things I believe that I’ve been having all along. More so than that, I’ll keep being thankful to have even reached such a place wherein I’ve been blessed to have the ample experiences I’ve had, good, bad, or indifferent, such that I can truly “walk, talk, live, breathe, emulate, stand for, own, embrace, and EMBODY” all the somewhat nonsensical things I do, not the least of which is the God I’ve never once lost faith in despite the fact that I could have long ago.


I lost all faith in my God, in His religion, too. I told the angels they could sing their songs to someone new. I lost all trust in my friends. I watched my heart turn to stone. I thought that I was left to walk this wicked world alone. Tonight, I’ll dust myself off. Tonight, I’ll suck my gut in. I’ll face the night and I’ll pretend I got something to believe in. And I had lost touch with reason. I watched life criticize the truth. I’ve been waiting for a miracle. I know you have, too. Though I know I won’t win – I’ll take this one on the chin – we’ll raise a toast and I’ll pretend I got something to believe in. If I don’t believe in Jesus, how can I believe The Pope? If I don’t believe in heroin, how can I believe in dope? If there’s nothing but survival, how can I believe in sin? In a world that gives you nothing, I need something – something to believe in. {Bon Jovi}

NOVEMBER 16, 2022: “The Day Of The Hampton Inn & Peanut Butter Cups” …

Dearest ME,

Will you know if it’s happiness you see? Will you feel a different side of me? And if you let it go, would you come back to haunt me? Are you doing the best that you can? We can wait here for tomorrow, or we can find ourselves right now. Think about all that we’ve wasted trying to figure all this out. I know it’s not too late to turn it all into something beautiful.
Can you see The Light still needs to shine inside of you through the windows you can’t find? Will you let me go? I’m tired of hiding. I’m trying to find my way. We can wait here for tomorrow, or we can find ourselves right now. Think about all that we’ve wasted trying to figure all this out. I know it’s not too late to turn it all into something beautiful.
All you need is a chance to believe.

{Words Adapted by The Real Cat Williamson}

~ Love, Me!

Well, yeah, Me. The Light still does shine inside of me … and no, I will never let you go. We’re The REAL Cat Williamson … “Warrior. Motivator. SURVIVOR;”. WE GOT THIS!

NOVEMBER 12, 2022: “It Felt Like Today That It’s Time To Start Moving On” …

I’m alright, thanks for asking.”

No, it didn’t kill me. It only make me stronger. I really would rather capsize than chase an old horizon, because the old one’s are behind me, and looking back at them will never allow me to continue growing forward and cross over.

I cannot tell you how thankful I was for the multitude of texts, phone calls, and messages I received after posting this live video moment of real “real”. It meant more to me than anyone could know. It wasn’t until I picked up my phone during a respite on the floor of his closet and saw all the supportive messages that I realized how much I really do “need people” after all. In being honest, at this stage in my life, sometimes I think I don’t. I went to sleep literally “feeling” the love and vibes that had been flowing my way tugging at my soul strings throughout the process all day.

Meanwhile, yes, I really did “punch today in the face”, so, wearing this shirt out tonight was epic! Wait! What’s that you say? “Cat, what does that even MEAN?” Oh, yah! “Punching today in the face” is a “Wheelchair Dad thing. I won’t go much into it, as I really want you to just click on the link and find out what it means for yourself. Sufficed to say, though, Dan and Andrea Kotter and their six beautiful babies who I recently stumbled across have managed to truly “punctuate” and inspire me in a profound way. I cannot tell you how proud I was to ROCK this hoodie while out with my family last night after all was said and done. I’m even prouder of the fact that I even went out in the first place. There was time in my life when treading water with such heavy emotions would have not only drowned me, but found me locked inside my room for the days and even weeks to follow.

Truth being told, while I’d always heard that going through and finally letting go of your deceased loved one’s belongings was one of the, if not the hardest part of the whole grief process, it wasn’t until I was sitting on the floor of “the king’s closet” that I realized just how true it really is. It was like he’d just just died all over again, except that parting with his things made the reality more real. No, he’s never coming home again.

My kids felt this “second death”, too, in a way, so, having them so close to my heart all day added even more diamonds to my tiara. The one “at my six” in the picture above? She’s the girl who’s stolen my son’s heart once and for all. Trust me when I say that she has his six, too, and getting go watch all the ways that she was there for him, not just today, but as usual, made my triumph in this even sweeter.

Perhaps the biggest irony in all of this was that years ago when it was time for me to let go of The Blaze Of Glory’s things, it was Zack who was there with me physically and emotionally. God, Himself, knows that at that juncture I wouldn’t have been able to do it alone. Just look at me know, though, with all this strength both the kings of my heart helped me find, “power and gracing” my way through it all like the true and living queen they left behind.

Just pick one thing, honey … the one thing that reminds you of him the most … and give it a place of honor …

… which is exactly why the do-rag you see hanging on the little cabinet in the video is also the first thing you see in this Diary entry. Of Ghosts, And Kings, And Three“. It looks like it’s time for me to really start moving on, which is why I’m dropping both of these most powerful songs of my life in this entry.

NOVEMBER 11, 2022: “The Wrong Side Of Heaven” …

It’s Veteran’s Day, again, and a highly annoying question I was recently asked on Quora just rushed to the forefront of my mind:

What’s the most sensitive way to express skepticism towards a war veteran’s stories from battle?

My answer was as raw, unfiltered, and as scathing as I think I’ve ever gotten. Fair warning and full disclosure: If you have a weak stomach when it comes to blood and carnage, this Diary entry is not for you:

Umm, so, let me ask you a question, “Anonymous”. When’s the last time you witnessed someone’s head getting blown off two feet in front of you? When’s the last time you had to pick someone’s arms and legs off your own face? When’s the last time you had to throw an M26A1 into a village full of women, children, and babies, then “watch a young girl cry and her mother scream” knowing full damn fucking well it was you who’d be making those angels fly away? When’s the last time you hid in a trench while LITERAL hell on fucking Earth was airborne over your back and all you could do was pray to GOD that you’ll get to see your family’s faces again?
Unless or until you can get back to me with the firm date and time that you had to participate in any of the living nightmares listed above in the name of your god and your country and tell me how you “just got over it”, I think you should go wash your brain out with either a bucket of soap and water or some battery acid.
I mean, seriously? I’ve never been in the military nor an actual war, but I have watched my own child die in my arms, watched the first true love of my life hit a brick wall on his Harley going 90 with no helmet (to which my immediate response was to actually attempt to put his brains back into his head to no avail), and I also live with the daily knowledge that the second true love of my life, my late husband, blew his own fucking brains out in a dirt lot just a block away from our home that I still live in but can’t move away from until our daughter graduates from high school, because I’m trying desperately to keep things stable for her to the best of my human ability despite the fact that I have to drive the FUCK by “the spot” sometimes multiple times a day.
I also bear the honor of being related to a retired brigadier general, and have spent time in the company of many other combat veterans I’ve been in PTSD group therapies with over the years. As such, I’ve “heard stories” that I’ll both never get to unhear or forget. As it turns out, NOT dying with your boots on is of one of the cruelest ironies of all and can keep a soldier “dead alive” in a mental prison on the exact “Wrong Side Of Heaven” forever.
My point being this: Who the fuck are you to question the validity of a war veteran’s “stories”? PTSD is a bastard fucking demon like no other on the face of this Earth, and if, as I suspect, you haven’t ever tried it, I cannot NOT recommend it enough. Maybe then you’ll know better than to write unacceptable, bullshit questions like this ever again.
Fuck you, ya Jean-Claude Van DAMN little mega douche.
(PS) I hope this answer wasn’t too “insensitive” for you!
{The Real Cat Williamson on Quora}


I spoke to God today and She said that She’s ashamed. What have I become? What have I done? I spoke to the devil today and he swears he’s not to blame. And I understood, ’cause I feel the same. Arms wide open, I stand alone. I’m no hero, and I’m not made of stone. Right or wrong … I can hardly tell. I’m on the wrong side of Heaven and the righteous side of hell. The wrong side of Heaven and the righteous side of hell. I heard from God today and She sounded just like me. What have I done and who have I become? I saw the devil today and he looked a lot like me. I looked away. I turned away. Arms wide open, I stand alone. I’m no hero, and I’m not made of stone. Right or wrong … I can hardly tell. I’m on the wrong side of Heaven and the righteous side of hell. I’m not defending. Downward descending. Falling further and further away. Getting closer every day. I’m getting closer every day to the end, to the end, the end, the end. I’m getting closer every day. Arms wide open, I stand alone. I’m no hero, and I’m not made of stone. Right or wrong … I can hardly tell. I’m on the wrong side of Heaven and the righteous side of hell.{Five Finger Death Punch}

NOVEMBER 7, 2022: “Type ‘O’, Here We Are Again!” …

That’s right, folks … “O” here we really are again. I’ve fallen UP in the fog once more as the great alchemy of music stepped in with its magic when I least expected it to wrap me in the most beautiful “grey high” blanket of rhapsody I never saw coming.

So, I’ve cancelled all my plans for the day, decided to just schlub in the castle in one of the king’s favorite yummy grey sweaters, and put on a pot of soup so can just bask in the blissful solitude of my “Nothing. Everything. ALL OF IT!” divinely appointed existence.

The songs that my son sends to me to tell me how he’s feeling are the diary of HIS perfection and they’re one of my most precious things in my life.

As I’ve already told my him, I love him more than words can say, and knowing that I’m his “Nettie” is amongst one of my utmost diamond encrusted treasures in this world. Today, as always, I’m thanking GOD for the literal hell that both he and his sister and I have all walked through and SURVIVED together, because without it, I’d have never be able to see the miracle I see through all this fog.

NOVEMBER 7, 2022: “Those Little Toy Guns!” …

I saw a question posted on my Quora forum recently that asked: “How can imprisonment for insults be justified, considering no one has ever been killed by words, and no words can force somebody else to choose to do harm?”

With that, and in honor of the anniversary of “The Four Agreements” I love so much having first been published on this day in 1997, let’s go over “words” by reading through my response to that question:

Oh, but you couldn’t be more wrong, my friend. Someone “ever” HAS been killed by words, let me assure you of that. While words themselves cannot physically force someone to choose to do harm, they can, indeed, incite it. Both the spoken and written word are the womb from which good things are born, and the sword upon which many tragic tales have fallen. This is why every “word” should be chosen impeccably, and why, yes, some insults are, indeed, deserving of imprisonment. If the words one speaks can metaphorically imprison the person receiving them in internal turmoil and ACTUAL hell, and thus potentially even cause their death, so, too, should the person who speaks such such words be imprisoned. Long story short? Be sure to watch your mouth, lest you end up choking on the very same poison you spew into the atmosphere. By the way, this is especially important when it comes to the words we speak into the ears of children, be them our own children or someone else’s. Many are the children whose bodies physically grew into adulthood, but whose hearts, minds, spirits, and fledgling wings were physically MANGLED at the receiving end of careless “words”. How do I know this? I AM ONE OF THEM!
{“The Real Cat Williamson on Quora“}

The song I’ve paired with this entry is from the perspective of a child who hid in closets while their mom and dad were not just murdering each other with “words”, BUT THEM AS WELL! Been there. Done that. Yes, it’s true, and I am brave enough to admit that not only was I, too, that kid hiding in the closet from sparring parents, but I later grew up to be one of those parents who ashamedly let subjected my babies to the war of words between their dad and I. So, whereas my Quora answer is obviously about the danger of not speaking impeccably in general, likewise are children MANGLED in the presence and crossfire of “words”.

Are we clear now, people? Good enough! In the meantime, make it a powerful “Four Agreements” kind of day, and for God’s sake PLEASE be impeccable with your words. They are not … I repeat – NOT … just “little toy guns”.


In between the coats in the closet, she held on to that heart shaped locket. Staring at a family flawless … but it ain’t a pretty picture tonight. Mom and daddy just won’t stop it. Fightin’ at the drop of the faucet. Cuts through the walls catastrophic. She’s caught in the crossfire. Puts her hands over her ears … starts talking through the tears … she’s saying … she’s praying. I wish words were like little toy guns. No sting, no hurt no one. Just a bang bang rolling off your tongue. (I wish words were like little toy guns.) Yeah. No smoke. No bullets. No kick from the trigger when you pull it. No pain. No damage done. (I wish words were like little toy guns.) Wish there was a white flag waving, or that they were both just faking, and it was just a game they were playing, like shoot’em up cowboys. Leave the plastic pistols in the front yard, throw away the score card, and just turn off all the noise. I wish words were like little toy guns. Oh, I wish they didn’t cut like a knife. I wish they didn’t break you inside. I wish they didn’t bang bang make you wanna run, yeah. {Carrie Underwood}

NOVEMBER 4, 2022: “My Diamond Encrusted Tiaras” …

I’ve long said that I’m an actual queen, because I truly am, but if history has taught me anything, it’s that a queen is only as powerful as the legacy she leaves, not the tiara that adorns her head. My children are my tiara, despite it being invisible. Likewise, are they every “FL colorless” diamond that encrusts it. They’re the echo of my voice that will surely linger on as my utmost gift to this world.

Take for instance this email I got today amidst an actual storm that was brewing in the atmosphere about something Gia had written to recognize and nominate one of her favorite teachers for an “Honored” teaching award:

Mike Rock is a counselor for students with learning disabilities or other struggles in their studies. For example, I have ADHD, and I get this class to get extra support with my schoolwork. Since the very beginning, Mr. Rock has gone above and beyond to help students in his class. Every class, he stands outside his door and greets each student personally, and asks how their day has been going, and tells them how happy he is that they are doing well, or that they are there that day. And always with a bright smile and kind voice, too. He is beyond patient, always remaining calm and kind even through the multitude of meltdowns and anger-outbursts that students have thrown at him because of their frustrations. He is deeply concerned with the wellbeing of his students. He remembers things that they say, be it a concert they are excited to go to, or that they have a loved one struggling. He doesn’t just stop at helping his students with their schoolwork. He is a teacher as much as he is a trusted friend. He talks with us about struggles we have and shows interest in the things we enjoy. One particular action stands out. On Friday, November 4th, there was a threat for severe weather in our area. School let out early, and as I was walking to leave the building, I caught Mr. Rock. He greeted me with a warm “Hello Gia!” (My nickname) and a smile. We were making small talk as we left, and I was talking about how my dad was picking me up, since I didn’t drive to school because my dad didn’t want me driving in the heavy rain. I complained about how despite my dad telling me that morning to bring an umbrella, I didn’t, and it was raining in sheets. As I was about to go out into the rain, he pulls out his umbrella and tells me he is going to walk me out to my dad. The umbrella is only big enough for one person, so I refused, saying “thank you so much! But you don’t have to do that. He is parked kind of far away!”. He insisted, so I let him (I really didn’t want to get soaked in the rain anyway. It was cold and windy. The entire way to my dad’s car, he held the umbrella over me while he got rained on. Out of his way, and in the pouring rain, he still made sure I got to my dad’s car safe and dry. When I got to the car, Mr. Rock told me to be safe, and I told him the same. My dad drove off. Mr. Rock’s car was in the opposite direction that I needed to go. This isn’t the only time that Mr. Rock has gone out of his way to be kind and considerate. He regularly supplies his classroom with students’ favorite candies, mints, and even fidget toys. All on his own, and without being asked. One time, he was gifted a box of expensive chocolate from the Ukraine from a friend. He took the box of chocolate and shared it with us. (It is a very small class. There’s only about 10 students). Teachers like Mr. Rock are few and far between. He brightens our days and is someone we can always count on to have a kind word to say, or just a positive, friendly attitude. He is truly an amazing teacher (He has single handedly raised student’s grades with his tutoring, support, and encouragement), and an admirable and good person. I know he deserves to be recognized.

My Mona Lisa couldn’t stop making me smile if she tried! She’s lifting others with her “beautiful infection”, and like her brother, never ceases to amaze me. If only you knew what she’s really been through, you, too, would fail to understand why she’s not a jaded teenager just looking for an excuse to become a toxic adult. She makes me proud every day, and it’s moments like these that are why.

There is no lie in her words about “Mr. Rock”. If only I could properly credit not just him, but the many other teachers and mentors that have supported and led her through the proverbial storm she’s been walking through since losing her dad and having to go through high school without him. Each one is a beacon of hope and a restoration of faith in humanity to not just her, but this widowed, single mom, as well. I literally cried my eyes out at the thought of this man walking my kid to the car with his umbrella over her head while he was getting soaked.

Gia, my princess, when the time finally comes for you to start reading this Diary, know that you truly are everything I hope to be when I grow up. No, you’re not perfect … you’re just a flesh and blood mortal like the rest of us. Besides, “perfection” would be boring, anyway. Still, sometimes I wonder if you really are from another planet, because the last time I checked, there seems to be a shortage of kids like you running around on this one. Lol, and you think that I’m the real Wonder Woman? That’s funny, because I actually think it’s you!

If, as we both suspect, Dad really is watching all of this as you live out this dream he had for your life, surely he, too, was beaming with pride today as you lit a fire with your impeccable words. Please listen to this song again, because it was the first thing that came to my mind after I got the email from your school today. I love you, “Three”! ~ Mama

NOVEMBER 1, 2022: “In The Avant Garden” …


In my lifetime, I have had either the unfortunate or very fortunate (depending on how you look at it) privilege of discovering just how many different ways there are to die, both literally and figuratively. Through it all, though, getting to love you and be loved by you taught me this one most powerful thing …

Indeed, there are many ways a person can die, but there’s only one way a person can live … with unbridled, unwavering, and truly unconditional love. If my love alone could have saved you, you would surely have lived forever, as those are the ways I loved you. I still forgive you for leaving us the way you did to wander in this garden without you, and no matter how awful this world may ever seem to be, the story of “me” will always be extraordinarily beautiful because you were in it.

A Chinese Proverb that I’ve grown to love says:

It is better to be a warrior in a garden then a gardener at war.

With that, it is my truest prayer that as you’re looking down on me now and then through your supernova telescope in stars, that you’re proud of the warrior queen I’ve become as I tend to this garden we started together alone.

As I’m sure you already know, I’m God’s actual favorite daughter, and perhaps my greatest victory in this life has been in accepting and embracing my divinely appointed purpose of punctuating this seemingly Godforsaken world with as much of the Light I can find and wield.

I’m learning how to pick my battles much better day by day, because if loving you and getting to be a part of your story taught me anything, it’s that peace is always better than war … especially when it comes to the wars we fight from within. It still breaks my heart when I think of all the ways you suffered here having never truly found your own peace within. Pray GOD that you finally have now.

Just because you won’t be here for the full bounty of what my heart had to give you, it doesn’t mean it’s still not there. There are an infinite number of universes out there where I can and do still walk with you, talk with you, laugh with you, and am held by you in the ever-growing gardens of my mind.

While it’s no big secret that loving you changed my life forever, losing you has done the same, because it was all the love you poured into me that helped me find all this power and grace. These abundant gifts you left behind are mine to keep until the day I move on to the brighter side of grey and leave it all behind for my babies. I will love you eternally, Zachariah.

~ Catherine

The Frog & The Butterfly
~ November 1, 2010 ~

“The Frog & The Butterfly”

OCTOBER 31, 2022: “The Arsonist’s Lullaby” …

• Jason Archer @archinorn

The more perfect a person is on the outside, the more demons they have on the inside.

{Sigmund Freud}

Indeed, dear ole Mr. Freud nailed that one right on the head! Might I add, though, that we should never try to outrun our own dark shadow, because that’s where our demons live. Believe it or not, sometimes we actually need those little fuckers around, for without them our egos truly would be the dark and tragic end of us. HELLO? Haven’t you ever watched Star Wars? Never mind. I’ve digressed.

Okay, where was I? Our demons are there to balance us; to challenge, humanize, and perfect us … not to be cast out to the abyss. They keep us honest, keep us real, and keep us on our toes. Those nasty little dark siders that ride around on our shoulders are there as a point of reference for the light and dark.

So, with that, I’m just thinking that what we really need to do is just tame them, train them, leash them, and maybe even give them a little space to do what they need to do from time to time in order to bring our souls full circle.

I thought it ended when I knew love’s perfect ache, but my peace has always depended on all the ashes in my wake.

The only way you can really fly is with the power and grace of a phoenix rising from its own ashes. If that means you have to become the arsonist who sets fire to the safety of your oh so sweetly delusional lullaby, so be it. You’ll be alright … I PROMISE!

In the meantime, HAPPY HALLOWEEN to all you beautifully imperfect twisted ones like me out there who have truly made peace with your “little pets”. Tonight of all nights, be sure to let them trick OR treat, depending on their mood. “Keep your friends close and your enemies closer”, ya know what I’m sayin’?


When I was a child, I heard voices. Some would sing and some would scream. You soon find you have few choices. I learned the voices died with me. When I was a child, I’d sit for hours staring into open flame. Something in it had a power. Could barely tear my eyes away. All you have is your fire and the place you need to reach. Don’t you ever tame your demons, but always keep ’em on a leash. When I was 16, my senses fooled me. Thought gasoline was on my clothes. I knew that something would always rule me. I knew the scent was mine alone. All you have is your fire and the place you need to reach. Don’t you ever tame your demons, but always keep ’em on a leash. When I was a man, I thought it ended when I knew love’s perfect ache, but my peace has always depended on all the ashes in my wake. All you have is your fire and the place you need to reach. Don’t you ever tame your demons, but always keep ’em on a leash. {Hozier}

~ The Phoenix Art Project ~

OCTOBER 24, 2022: “Dodging The Devil’s Boomerang” …

Does someone really suffer when we wish bad for them?

{“The Real Cat Williamson On Quora“}

NO! NO, THEY DON’T! The only person who suffers when we wish bad for others is the “wisher”, not the “other”. Regardless of the crime that reduces a victim to thoughts of retribution, by speaking ill will over another into the Universe you join the factions of pathetic people who drink from the same cup from which the poison they’re serving first came.

There’s an unspoken kismet law about malice, which is that once you receive it, you either rise above it or become it. In my opinion, malevolence is a “karmic boomerang”, in that once it’s tossed out into the wind, it always finds it’s way back to the sender and never misses its chance to return a favor.

Although the people who refuse to give in to their own darkness appear to be weak and cowardly, in reality it’s the evil things that walk amongst us that are the truly feeble. Even a toddler can than throw a stones at someone, but it takes an immense amount of strength, courage, and resilience to just stand there and let them hit you.

If, as I suspect, the reason we exist here is to choose between The Light and the dark, don’t be a fool and repay evil with evil. Vengeance is the Lord’s, and only the Lord’s alone, and you ARE NOT “The Punisher“! Besides, getting hit in the face with a boomerang can’t be all that fun, ya know what I’m sayin’?

Don’t get me wrong, I have been that “karmic boomeranger” in days gone by. There was a time in my life when I all but drove to New Orleans in the wee hours of the night to get an actual West African voodoo doll in which to stick my pins of vengeance into those who have wronged me or mine. And Jean-Claude Van DAMN, don’t even get me started when it comes to those who have brought harm to my kids … up to and including other kids! Taming the momma animal in me has been a work in progress over the years, but thankfully I’ve slayed that beast and sent it back down to hell where it belongs.

These days, I don’t dare spend my precious energy on the “THINGS” that will surely face the cosmic dragons they’ve unleashed unto themselves before it’s all said and done. Instead, I opt only to focus on the positive things and people in my atmosphere and not let all the devils I’ve had to dance with unleash the devil inside of me.


Make me believe I’m human. Make me believe I’m not the voice in my mind. I don’t believe all the wrong I’ve done is forgiven. Make me believe I’m living. Make me believe I’m not the face that I hide. I don’t believe another day I can breathe so forsaken. Can you see my disease? Cannot hide what’s inside. I’m moving paralyzed and living hypnotized, hit right between the eyes, living with the Devil inside. I’m moving paralyzed and living hypnotized, hit right between the eyes. Living with the Devil inside. Can you see my disease? Meet the Devil inside of me. Is this the fate I’ve been given? I hear it calling in the dead of the night. I don’t believe I can ever be free of this hell that lives inside of me. Can you see my disease? Cannot hide what’s inside. I’m moving paralyzed and living hypnotized, hit right between the eyes, living with the Devil inside. {Like A Storm}

OCTOBER 15, 2022: “The Man, The Myth, The Legend!” …

I can’t recall when a morning news story ever made me so fucking happy. I literally cried tears of joy for this man and his family when I heard these words from his mouth:

So, I made them a deal today, and I’m gonna stick to it. After this year, I am going to make one more Five Finger Death Punch album and then I am retiring from heavy metal.

{Five Finger Death Punch On YouTube}

The Alchemistwill be leaving the building. The FUCKER I love the most who has inspired so many of us to dig deep into our souls and unearth the sobering reality of our own tragic truths, turn ourselves inside out, make peace with our demons, and find our “power and grace“, is dimming the lights.

A dear friend and highly intuitive Death Punch sister I was talking to this morning said that lately she’d been sensing a sort of “death” with him. In fact, we’d both been feeling that something’s been a little bit off in his world, though not necessarily in a bad way, but neither of us could put our finger on it. Well, there we have it! As it turns out, the death she’d been sensing was a metaphor for an ending. The “death” of this chapter of his beautifully dirty, poetic life, and the birth of an entirely new one. It’s “phoenixry” at it’s finest!

As I’ve been scouring through this news today, I read, “Well, let’s just hope that the next 5FDP album will come as late as possible”. Yah, yah, I get it. We’re gonna miss him. But I couldn’t disagree more. For as much as I have come to love, respect, and adore him, not as a “rock star”, but a human fucking being, it’s only right to let him go in peace without a fight.

Nothing would make me happier then to never see his face again, be it on a stage or social media where we’ve all relished being a part of his “family” if that meant he was riding off into the sunset and sanctuary of his truly personal life and endeavors. No man is more deserving of the next rebirth that will surely come from fading the bright lights that have both propelled and devoured him, into the quieter lights of his real family’s hearts and eyes. After all the tiny pieces of his broken, risen, but probably exhausted phoenix soul that he’s literally bled out to the masses, no man has earned the right to finally rest his wings and fly back home to the ones he fought so hard to keep living for. C’mon, people! Those bright lights almost fucking blinded him, and I know for a fact that he’s given the actual shirt off his back to some of us. Also? Let’s face it. Not everyone has been so grateful for his contributions to both the arts and humanity. So, he’s damned if he does and damned if he don’t. Still, the vultures have picked at his living carcass enough, don’t ya think?

There’s a song I’ve always loved and have listened to for years by another band, Cold. The poignant words are clearly written from the perspective of a weary musician:

Whatever you became, blame it on my fame. Always away from you … sold my life for a song. Whatever you feel, I take it on my stage. I sing to the world for you … and I’m always alone.
{“Whatever You Became“}

These days, I think about him when I hear this song. I say to myself, “Damnit, Ivan, we love you! We ALL mother fucking LOVE you! But haven’t you’ve spent way more than your fair share of all of your power and grace on us? Just free yourself and go home.

This life we’re living really is just a blip, and yes, the lights will go down. Do everything within your power to ensure that when your door closes for the very last time you leave your light on for the people you’ve left behind and not just a darkened void. It’s how you’ll become “nothing, everything, and ALL of it” and leave this place better than you found it.
{“The Grey High“}

Well, guess what, Fucker? I’m saying “job well done”! While I realize this process isn’t going to happen overnight and we’ll still have some good times to share with you, know that when the last of those lights on your stage go down, the one you’ll have left behind for all of us will keep on burning bright through that void.

Those of us who’ve been paying attention know that aside from your family, there are still many gifts and contributions you’re working on leaving behind for the cause you’re so fucking passionate about. And hey, who knows? Maybe you’ll even find a true and proper queen to ride off into that sunset with. You deserve that, too, my friend, and I’m praying that you’ll find her!

~ The Phoenix Rests ~
(A “Midjourney” Creation By @archinorn)

OCTOBER 15, 2022: “We’re Not So Different” …

Despite the fact that I was raised Roman Catholic, I was fortunate enough to eventually become a sold-out and crazy, “deaf, dumb, and blind faith believer” in God the Father, His Son, Jesus, and The Holy Spirit. That being said, I’m also somewhat of an omnist in that I believe that all the different faiths and creeds point to a singular, transcendent being that unites us all, all of which are known by different names, but in my case said “being” is called by the aforementioned name of “God”.

The great Lao Tzu was a brilliant writer and philosopher who was widely known to not only be a good and kind man, but also a fierce proponent of the natural order of things, freedom from social norms, spontaneity, and the underlying unity of this Universe. He also fathered Taoism, in which he didn’t acknowledge the “God” I believe in (or any god or omnipotence outside of the Cosmos), there are a great many of his ancient teachings that I personally adhere to and align with.

You see, that’s what makes each of our unique spiritualities, beliefs, and paths so incredibly fucking beautiful … and powerful! If you search deep and wide enough and truly desire internal peace and alignment with this Universe, you will likely find a little nugget of your soul’s song in every soul’s song.

Yup, we’re all different! There ain’t no doubt about it! But then again, we’re really not so different. We all have something to bring to the table, and unless or until we come to terms with that epic collective reality, the great divide that is burgeoning between us will be our ultimate downfall and demise. We have to learn to think for ourselves, together, but separately, and sometimes even look inside the odd little boxes we don’t want to look in that we find down all those scary, dark corridors and blind corners.

I truly wish I could have met you, Lao Tzu, and truly believe that you would have loved my own “Nothing. Everything. ALL OF IT!” mantra. Here’s hoping I’ve made you proud by holding your age-old belief that when we do, say, think, or give of ourselves, we should do so from ONLY a place of the true love and conviction of our soul, expecting not one single thing in return. Oh, and wise sage, indeed I heard you when you said:

Not seeking, not expecting, she is present, and can welcome all things.

I shall not seek. I shall not expect. I shall be present. I shall welcome all things. And for the record, Master Tzu, I do hope to have Lucky Charms with you some day in another space and time. You’re my kinda people!


There’s a panic in the air – lead you down a dark corridor, round a blind corner. Beware! Why do you stare? You got a bad feeling? Heavy heart beating so scared. What’s really going on behind the scenes, through the back streets, down the alleyways that nobody sees? Through the heart of what divides, whenever I look into your eyes, we don’t need the space between. We’re close enough to see we’re not so different now. We’re not so different. We are almost there, and this is the beginning as long as you are willing to dare. We’ve been everywhere looking for some meaning – looking for a reason to care. What’s really going on behind the scenes, through the back streets, down the alleyways that nobody sees. Through the heart of what divides, whenever I look into your eyes, we don’t need the space between. We’re close enough to see – we’re not so different now. We’re not so different now. {Trapt}


OCTOBER 5, 2022: “Resting In A Castle Of Glass” …


Today is the fourth bittersweet birthday that we don’t get to celebrate with you, and as of about twenty minutes ago, I had absolutely no idea what I was going to write in tribute to you today. As I was sitting here staring blankly at my screen though, my eyes began wandering around at all the pictures on my desk, and I spotted this precious one of you. That’s when I closed my eyes and had this vision …

It was me looking at that the sweet, blonde-haired, blue-eyed little boy at around age 10. I was holding him in my arms like I did so many times in our journey together, and especially in the months before you left when I would hold you like an actual baby as you would cry. Your little head was resting on my chest so perfectly still and calm, and when I looked down at your face, you were smiling.

What is it, Zack? What on Earth are you smiling about?

Then, you looked up at me and whispered the most powerful words I could have imagined hearing on this bittersweet day without you:

Catherine, I’m okay. I’m finally resting.

I want you to know how deeply sorry I am that the people who were supposed to protect you from the demons that devoured your mind failed you so fucking miserably. It is my truest prayer that you did make it Home safely, that you’re very much alright, and that your soul is in the peaceful, loving care of the greatest Parent of them all.

I’ve always loved this song, listen to often, and always think of you when I do. Only this time I’m tweaking the words “my way”, as if you were singing them to me:

I know you’re down at the river bend after fighting the fight ’til the fighting end. You’ve washed the poison from off your skin, and now you’re finally whole again. I always think of you flying up on silver wings, far past the black where the sirens ring, warming yourself in a nova’s glow and rising above your nightmare below. You’re no longer a crack in this castle of glass, and never forget that you were so much to see. I know that you’re Home in a binding dream through all of the secrets that we both have seen. I, too, have washed this sorrow from off of my skin, and yes, I, too, am finally whole again. So, until that day comes when I can see you again, I’ll keep looking for your light as it slips through the cracks in this castle of glass in which I still live. As for now, though, there is still so much more for me to see. Happy Birthday Zachariah. I love you. ~ Me

As soon as Gia gets home from school, we’ll be heading down to the pier to skip a few rocks over the water before we go have our annual Red Robin burgers in your honor. Though you’re not here to physically reciprocate the love I have always and will always feel for you, that love will never be wasted. In the meantime, please just keep watching us through your telescope.

~ Catherine ❤️

~ Zachariah Lucas Williamson ~

OCTOBER 1, 2022: “Old MacHOOVER Had A Farm” …

e, i, e, i, EWWWW!

… and on that farm he had some BULLSHIT

e, i, e, i, NO!

I see you’ve got me blocked for some reason. I’d love to know more about that.

Lol! I BET you would!

I was just strollin’ through my calendar, and uh, you probably realize, but it was on this specific date on 1995 when you and I met …

Umm? NO, I didn’t realize!

Crazy, isn’t it? Oh my gosh! 1995. It’s been a minute.

YAH think?

The irony in this actual bottle of douche using the word “crazy” in a sentence is how in the aftermath of the nightmare he put me through, he tried convincing everyone, including me, that I was effing “crazy”.

Meanwhile, guess who’s still calling who after 23 fucking years, still keeping our “special dates” on his calendar, and still thinking of ME when he sees a a drop dead gorgeous woman on social media. Although, I must admit that he was dead-on, tiny balls accurate in that correlation, ’cause, umm, for a “fifty-THREE-it’s-SO-good-to-be-ME” year old biotch, I STILL look pretty good. So, with that, “Hey, you … MacHeebie FUCKING Jeebie?”


If you don’t know what “hoovering” is, it’s a narcissist’s strategy to manipulate IT’S (not “their”) victim and either keep them or suck them back in as “supply“. They use this emotionally abusive tactic when they realize their victim is trying to untangle themselves from their toxic web and get the FUCK away.

For those of you concerned that my Diary entries about him are somehow playing with fire, if MacNumNuts had any sincere interest in me aside from his pathetic desperation, he’d have likely read them by now. Clearly, he has not, because not only does his self-grandiosity and delusion make any attempts at sincerity impossible, if he had read anything about himself here, he’d most likely have slithered back under his rock.

So, with that, I’m MacMOOVING right along now. For the record, the reason I’m publishing this today and not back on April 22nd when the voicemail was sent is because I only recently found both these gems in my blocked contact trash. As I’ve said before, I only ever go digging through the garbage hunting for things that are truly worth my time and attention for repurposing into treasures.

SEPTEMBER 30, 2022: “The BETTER Version Of You!” …

Excuse the mess – I didn’t it you from behind. I caught a glimpse, but the reflection’s only mine. It’s almost like I’m paralyzed and locked outside myself. I don’t need to concede, because I won’t be someone else! Well, I am not perfect … and I don’t claim to be … and if that’s what you wanted, well then, I’m so sorry! How about a better version of the way that I am? How about a better version that makes me understand? How about a better version of the way that I am? The way I look? The way I speak? HOW ‘BOUT A BETTER VERSION OF ME?

To call it one of my favorites just wouldn’t do it justice. It’s so much more than just a song to me … IT’S A WAY OF LIFE! I will never forget the first time I ever heard it – mid-workout at a gym with a King who truly adored “the version” that I was then. Yet, as I listened to the words, they shredded me in a zillion awful and amazing ways at once. After that, I would listen to it daily as I worked on rewiring my fragile psyche and heal my broken relationship with ME. Then, BAM! Before I knew it, that NASTY habit of refusing to look into a mirror and say, “I LOVE YOU!” just disappeared.

If YOU don’t love you, 100% unconditionally, EVEN on your darkest of days, and value, see, and TREAT yourself as EPIC living masterpiece that you are, why would anyone else?

(“I’m So Vain“)

Some of the ugliest things took the longest time to make, and some of the easiest habits are the hardest ones to break.

(“And Then It Was Done“)

With all that being said, and in honor of this and everyRecovery Day International“, please remember to be patient and gentle with yourself while you’re trying to change bad habits. Dare I say that perhaps the worst of them all – “not loving yourself” – can be found at the root of most of the others. The better version of you is counting on you to stay the course, my friend, so, just stay on “Route 66” and give it a try! Do or say at least ONE kind thing while your standing in the mirror for 66 days in a row and see what can happen!

SEPTEMBER 29, 2022: “Eyes Wired Shut” …

Perhaps the most beautiful things in this life are all the things that we can’t actually see. Take God’s “artwork“, for instance. To me, He is THE master artist of all infinity, and it’s all the things He keeps hidden from me that are just so intrinsically breathtaking to look at despite the fact that my eyes can’t see them. Yes, I know this sounds like some kinda bullshit, but it doesn’t mean it isn’t true!

Although I’m admittedly not a huge fan of “peopling“, I’m still in daily awe of this masterpiece I get to be a part of even though no one really knows or sees me in it. My divinely appointed soul is a part of every delicate and mysterious brush stroke, and while you can’t really see it, it’s there, and it’s magic! And YOU! You, TOO! Never forget that all of those things about you that you don’t think anyone notices ARE a part of this story. Besides, who doesn’t appreciate a good mystery anyway, right?

I guess what I’m trying to say is that maybe we should all just keep our proverbial eyes wired shut so that we stop being so worried about whether we’re doing enough, being enough, or even being “seen” at all. Oh, WE’RE IN THIS, my friends! Trust me, our unseen vibrations and fingerprints are IN THIS TO WIN IT! We just have to stop wasting precious time on all the lies that make us “sane” and always trying to make everything so fucking right. We need to make it back to ourselves, no one else, and the creation that unveils itself in that process is a thing to behold like no other priceless work of art ever made. Make it a powerful week, trying just looking with your eyes shut, and paint your canvas well.


I’ve thrown away, I’ve thrown away again the pills that make me. I’ve thrown away, I’ve thrown away again the chance – the want to change. I’ve thrown away, I’ve thrown away again standing all alone. I’ve thrown away, I’ve thrown away again. Eyes wired shut, running through my brain. Pulling back the skin. It happens, we’re getting older. Eyes wired shut, running through my brain. It’s all the same, but in the end, it keeps me coming. I’ve blown away, I’ve blown away again the fear of failing. I’ve blown away, I’ve blown away again the lies that make me sane. I’ve blown away the chance to make it right. I want to be. I want to see. I want to make it back to me! It’s time to face the way – a chance to talk and make some change. To make myself to think that things were better. {Edgewater}

SEPTEMBER 17, 2022: “Life’s Been Good To Me” …

I know, I know! Yet another love letter to myself. Still, its kinda crazy how fitting and relatable both the words above and the words below are to me. Despite some appearances, life truly has been good to me so far. So, I’m not writing anything else today, but this


It’s SO Good To Be Me!


Why, yes. Yes, it is! It’s so Jean-Claude Van DAMN good to be me! With that, here’s to everything and nothing that has made me who I am today, and what will hopefully be yet another 365 beautiful trips around the equally beautiful Sun!

SEPTEMBER 17, 2022: “How To Talk To THE Girl” …

To The Girl Who Has Stolen My Son’s Heart:

I’ve given a lot of thought to the thought of “you” since the day he entered my world, and as the years have passed, I must say I’ve been a little anxious, because it’s kind of scary the way that some little girls are being raised these days. Actually, it’s a crying shame.

I’ve prayed incessantly for the moment I would be at peace with the thought of no longer being the number one woman in his life, and yes, “you” have always been at the forefront of my MOST important prayers:

Please, God, PLEASE! Please let her momma be raising someone precious and perfect for my son. No, I’m not asking for her to BE perfect. Just let her be the perfect one for HIM.

Some years ago I found this excerpt from prayer some man wrote to God about his own sons, and I’d been keeping it tucked safely in the “drafts” file of this Diary for the day he’d finally found someone who I believe was worthy of sharing it with. It had something to do with Princess Katherine, who as you know just became The Princess Of Whales:

And so I pray … for a princess that realizes she is the daughter of the King of Heaven and Earth … for a Princess clothed in humility and grace (rather than the latest must-have fashions and trends) … for a princess with hands that will get dirty for the sake of serving others and with feet willing to walk the extra mile (rather than one that demands manicures and pedicures by age seven) … for a princess whose “adornment” is not merely outward (arranging the hair, wearing gold, or putting on fine apparel), but rather, let it be the hidden person of the heart, with the incorruptible beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is “very precious in the sight of God.” {1 Peter 3:3-5} … for a princess who loves unconditionally and forever, and doesn’t run out when her prince falls off his royal horse and isn’t as charming as she dreamed (because it WILL happen). Amen.

It wasn’t that long ago when I wrote these words in this Diary after first hearing this powerful song that I love:

Now, fast forward to “here we are” fifteen long years later, and I’m sitting here literally praying that he’s finally learning how to talk to girls, because God Himself knows he didn’t always have the best examples of that. When Zack came along, he literally flipped the game board of our lives upside down for the better, “talking to girls” took on a whole different meaning, and Christian finally had a good example.
{“How To Talk To Girls“}

Meanwhile, it looks like even I still have some work to do in the “talking to THE girl” department. You have no idea how many times I’ve had to turn off the radio when this song hits my cue, because all I can think about is how much it kills me that no man ever taught my son how to talk to girls until his stepdad came along. It kills me even more that he after the way he left us, he may have undone all those “man lessons” he spent so much time teaching Christian.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, ALEXANDRA! Happy birthday to us BOTH! Yes, we all love you and care about you very much. Yes, I do believe with everything in my heart that you are the princess that was meant for my son. Yes, your momma did raise someone precious.

If, indeed, you are “the one”, none of us could be prouder of the true princess he’s seemingly found in you. Of course there will always be bumps on this road. We’re only human, after all. Please just know that I will always be for you, never against you, because NO, my son isn’t always “right”, and NO, he doesn’t quite know all the best ways to talk to girls.


Yeah, I remember yes or no, or how to ask her to prom. Then it was a pickup line … somethin’ you’d say inside a bar. Quick on the draw, good at the game, but the game just changed, ’cause I got this ring and I’m on one knee, and now I’m drawin’ a blank. ‘Cause this angel hangs on every word I say. She’s gettin’ so much more from me than my last name … everything … and I can’t hide it. She’s got me at a loss for words. I guess I’m still learnin’ how to talk to girls. And I remember two pink lines … ready or not … she’s on her way. Yeah, she got her momma’s eyes. Well, I hope she don’t act like me. You know they say you pay for your raisin’. I’m tryin’ to raise her. But what do you say when you can’t tell her no? Well, I can’t even think about down the road. What about sixteen? What about God? What about big dreams? And oh my God, what about boys? The bad ones? Will she find out her momma has one? Damn! {Brantley Gilbert}

SEPTEMBER 16, 2022: “The Day Of The Brown Grasshopper!” …

“The Day Of The Brown Grasshopper”

{ME:} Gia, guess what? I caught a grasshopper today! Hey, so, what kind of grasshoppers are brown?
{GIA:} Umm, the locust kind.
Wait! You mean they have such a thing as locust grasshoppers?
No, momma! And if by “they” you mean GOD, no, GOD doesn’t have such a thing as “locust grasshoppers”. He does have LOCUSTS, which LOOK like grasshoppers, but are brown. Lemme see the video you made first before I say for sure, because knowing you, you probably made a silly video.
(60 Seconds Later:) Congratulations, momma! You caught yourself one hell of a beautiful LOCUST!
Wait! Like, the plaguey ones that ate all the corn?
Lol. Yes mom, the plaguey ones that ate all the corn. You’re so pretty! You do know that Dad was probably laughing while you were making friends with your ‘lil brown grasshopper, right?
Yah, yah! But, umm, so, should I put some corn out for it later or something?
(Smacking Her Head:) Yes, mom, you do that. Go get yourself a tiny bowl and make him some tiny corn. I love you. And remember, “Whatsoever is done unto the least of my creation, so, too, shall be done unto thee”.
Yes! God’s gonna lift me up of the ground and put me in the proverbial shrubs of life!
No, mom. God’s gonna just KEEP taking care of you the way He ALWAYS has, the same way you take care of everyone … INCLUDING all His bugs and critters!

… and, with that, THIS is how “the day of the brown grasshopper” made me cry, and once again reminded me that I must be doing something right, ’cause my kid really does think the world of me … “you’re so pretty” and all!

“Bye everyone, it’s me, CAT! I’m the REAL Cat Williamson, resident brown grasshopper catcher and expert, lover of all things big and small, and God’s actual favorite daughter!”

SEPTEMBER 8, 2022: “The Assignment Is Over” …

~ Elizabeth Alexandra Mary Windsor ~
April 21, 1926 – September 8, 2022

In case you didn’t know, I’m a “royalist” at heart, always have been, and always will be, and Her Majesty’s passing today finds me in bittersweet tears.

Indeed, there have been and still are many critics of the monarchy over the years, but if you have ever taken a deeper look behind the veil that is The Windsor Dynasty, you will find relatable human people that are THE living embodiment of “SURVIVAL – at ALL costs – under EVERY circumstance”.

Her Majesty was THE benchmark standard of loyalty, honor, and duty, and so, too, was her late, beloved prince, The Duke Of Edinburgh, who was one of the less than a handful of “famous people” who I would have truly liked to have gotten a chance to sit down and have one of those “Lucky Charms moments” with.

~ The Crown ~
Season 1 • Episode 1 • “Wolferton Splash”

Her Majesty and The Duke both very much understood “the job”, but how many of us can truly say the same? Life in a gilded cage isn’t for the faint of heart, this I know too well, and while I don’t rule over an actual kingdom, I am a mother and have been a wife, in which regard I am THE very axis upon which my own own little “dynasty” spins. As such, I have taken my job as “queen of their hearts” very seriously, and yes, I, too, have understood the assignment and what it means to “SURVIVE – at ALL costs – under EVERY circumstance” with the power and grace of a risen queen.

Likewise have I also very much appreciated what it mean to be the often unsung hero that MY beloved Prince Phillip always was, always in the background sacrificing his own wants and dreams to ensure that her reign looked effortless and that she was supported.

I could wax on poetically with my thoughts on this today, but I will now be getting back to the TV. “Hi everyone, it’s me, CAT, an American “royalist” far across the pond in Dallas, Texas, USA, who will be glued to the screen as this story avails in both bittersweet and joyful tears. And by the way, how fortuitous is it that my daughter is home sick with me today so that she can watch this historical, live coverage with me as well? She, of all people, knows exactly how I feel about the history of this remarkable family and why it is so important for us all to understand and appreciate it. Of course, I am not happy that she isn’t feeling well, but of all the days for her to be home with me, today is the perfect day.

Farewell, Godspeed, and goodbye. You have lived, and you have changed all our lives.

{Alter Bridge}

Surely your handsome Prince awaits you in the GREATEST kingdom of all. You were loved by many and your legacy of strength and fortitude will live on forever.

Well done, Your Majesty! “May flights of angels sing you to your rest.”

SEPTEMBER 7, 2022: “When You Wish Upon A Star” …

When you wish upon a star, makes no difference who you are. Anything your heart desires will come to you. If your heart is in your dream, no request is too extreme. When you wish upon a star as dreamers do, like a bolt out of the blue, Fate steps in and sees you through …

and when you wish upon a star, you MIGHT even end up with an epic amount of “MOM GUILT”, two Benadryls, then the sweetest validation ever from your Mona Lisa daughter that despite your many failings, you’re still doing a “magical” job!

Yes, my friends, it was on THIS day exactly five years ago that my lovely daughter ever so lovingly reminded me of that time I lost her at fucking DISNEYWORLD! Yah! I’m THAT mom, and guess what? YOU’RE READING MY BLOG!

Yes, it is true that my husband had to medicate me with Benadryl to get me to calm down … but hey … at LEAST in her report she spun it in a TOTALLY less “EPIC MOM FAIL” way!

Hi everyone! It’s me, CAT!

Hot Mess Express – Party Of ONE!

Imma find that report she actually wrote which I only recently found while we were cleaning out my office and upload it into this Diary entry later! In the meantime, does anyone out there want “Aunt Cat” to take their small children to Disney?

Dear God in HEAVEN, how I literally adore my life … EPIC “mom fails” and all … and especially my two beautiful children who somehow seem to think that I’m an “100/10 perfect momma” despite my own damn self and MANY bungles. Something in my heart tells me that if either of them had it to do all over again and were actually offered the chance to “pick a mom … ANY mom”, they still woulda picked ME out of a lineup! That’s something, right? I’m sticking with YES, it is!

SEPTEMBER 4, 2022: “The Day Of The S & H Greenstamps Tattoo” …

It’s no longer a big secret that I had a twisted and dysfunctional childhood, and also no secret that some of my mental pictures aren’t so homespun and stellar …

… BUT …

… I very much DO also have some precious and beautiful memories seared so deeply into the skin of all my days gone by that they’re a virtual tattoo inside my mind.

It’s raining, grey, and what some might consider miserable here in Dallas this afternoon, but as I walked into the kitchen just now and saw my favorite “Mindset Is Everything” coffee mug sitting on the table amidst a pile of skeletons and spookiness I’m about to HAUNT The Williamson Manor with, I literally snapped back in time to the MANY “Sundays” with my mom and HER coffee cup sitting around our often very rainy, New England kitchen table.

You see, Sundays were ALWAYS our “Green Stamp” days, and I fondly remember the countless hours she would spend with us at our tiny wooden table as she’d bust out all the stamps she’d collected for that week and let me and my sister help her put them in her books. We’d sit around that table drawing circles in “the catalog” around all the treasures we were saving for while having our little mother daughter chit chats about life.

For God’s sake, I even smelled the giant pot of scratch made Italian “gravy” that was ALWAYS simmering in the background while we were stamping our fingers to the bone, and how as all this was happening on those cozy afternoons, there was the best anxiety EVER simmering in my gut because I knew that soon my beloved Grandpa, aunts, uncles, and cousins would all be coming over for our weekly “family dinnuh”!

Jean-Claude Van DAMN I’m so proud to be turning “Fifty-THREE-It’s-SO-Good-To-Be-ME” next week, and while I do so adore all you young ones out there, grab a pen and paper and take NOTES from ALL of s “OMG, they’re like, SO old” ones, ’cause we know EXACTLY how to keep on keepin’ it REAL!

Meanwhile, as I’m writing this, my girls are upstairs all hunkered down in their fluffy pajamas and blankets as the storms are moving in while I’m downstairs just doing the mom thing. I’m overwhelmed with joy and an abundance of gratitude that I not only do I get to live this ethereal existence, but that my heart has been broken and put back together well enough to know that even when I’m not sifting through the ashes of my life, there is still so much beauty to be found in them that it just shows up during the storms like a ray of light shining through my soul. I am blessed.

… and THIS, my friends, is yet another “Grey HIGH” moment from my virtually tattooed heart and love-filled Williamson Castle to yours. Oh, and (PS) … there’s something that I’ll hope you’ll remember …

All you get to keep is all you’ve shared.

{“The Brighter Side Of Grey“}

~ REAL Cat 🖤

SEPTEMBER 1, 2022: “A Day To Be Alone!” …

Well, HAVE you?

Been there! Done that! Guilty as frigging charged! Ironically, it was my kids’ father who first sent me this song years ago during our final dissolution in what I suppose was an attempt to validate my then very broken feelings. Nevertheless, the bittersweet words did then and still do deeply resonate. I very much remember the many days and nights when “all I had were screams inside, but somehow they came out in a smile” and I would literally hide inside my bedroom and scream into a pillow.

Meanwhile, I am here to tell you that even the strongest phoenixes and most favorite of God’s favorite children cry their ACTUAL fucking eyes out and “silent scream” into their pillows. ME! ME! ME! I do it! These days, it’s more so for the sake of my kids that I either “pillow scream” or “panic chair” in private:

You know, honey, you do that, too … the crying in your chair in private thing! Did you think I didn’t know that’s what you do when you run back into our room? You let yourself fall apart so you can keep it all together for us. It’s one of my favorite things about you. You remind me of Leigh Anne so much.
{“Blindsided With Rhapsody“}

As as every mother knows, I’m only ever as strong as my weakest child. When they’re going through it, I’m going through it, so, sometimes, “silent screaming” is the best thing I can do, because letting them see me fall apart when they need me to be strong just isn’t an option.

I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again. If it was good enough for God’s Son, it’s good enough for us, and why John 11:35 is my favorite verse:

“Jesus wept.”

That’s right, people. I just quoted scripture and dropped an eff bomb in one HELL of an oxymoronical post. It’s part of my charm, and nope, I’m NOT fucking proud of it. Rest assured that I’ll deal with those consequences later.

In the meantime …

Jean-Claude Van DAMN, this “human BEING” ain’t for the faint of heart! If you woke up on the top side of the soil today despite anything that’s trying to bury you, you’re STRONGER than you know. If you need a day to be alone, TAKE A DAY TO BE ALONE. Just grab that pillow and SCREAM!

And remember …

Don’t you dare think that you really are “alone inside your room” when you’re alone inside your room. While you’re holding your breathe so that no one can hear your screams, God is screaming for you:

I won’t let you down when the seasons change. I won’t go down … I’ll fight through your pain. I’ll be there right by your side.
{“When The Seasons Change” … by Five Finger Death Punch}

Wow! Look at me mixing up two of my favorite songs in one entry! Yah, I’m kinda kookie like that. Good GRIEF, how I love my life! For the record, while I may not personally have anything to scream into my own pillow about today while I’m alone here inside my castle, I’m always mindful that there are others in this world who are suffering in silence. I feel it. I do. My heart truly aches for all who are screaming today, and no, you are NOT alone!


She said, “I wonder when it’ll be my day? ‘Cause I’m not too far from breaking down. All I’ve got are screams inside, but somehow they come out in a smile, and I’m wondering if I’ll always feel this way. This way.” Tell me about those nights you stayed awake. Tell me about those days you hated me. Tell me how you’d rather die alone than being stuck here with me. And maybe you’ve fallen down, and maybe you just took the long way home, but baby you could never love you like me. And one day this will fade away. In the mirror you’ll see a smiling face, and standing next to you will always be me. Yeah me. One day you’re gonna see things my way. You gave me so much room that I can’t breathe. When all I’ve got are pictures to view, it was nothing before and I started with you, and for some reason it’s supposed to be that way. That way. If I could shrink it down and put it in your hands. We made it hurt so much. I can’t forget the past. Just tell me what to say, show me what to do, then I could forgive me and I would forgive you. {One Less Reason}