MARCH 17, 2021: “The Hidden Message” …

… because maybe sometimes the meaning behind the message the Cosmos is trying to send us can only be received when we’re actually ready to hear them.

I’ve watched the “Bubbikins” episode of The Crown more than a dozen times, and if you’ve read my “Speaking Of Faith And Crowns” blog, you know it was a huge catalyst in connecting with the many messages my God has been sending me every step of the way. But did you know that I didn’t know there was, perhaps, a more important message in it that I’d missed entirely? I’d been watching it again on Friday night when Christian called me in tears saying, “Momma, PLEASE forgive Grandpa“? And THEN I couldn’t sleep. I got up and started wrote “Desperado“. THEN it hit THEN “the message hidden in the message” literally HIT ME like a ton of the most

What if everything we think we’ve known isn’t really what it was at all? Just as I pray that what ultimately awaits me on The Brighter Side Of Grey is my own children’s understanding of what was really going on “the day of The Circadian“, even more so do I pray that I remain steadfast in my conviction that, yes, “HURT people hurt PEOPLE”, and sometimes grace is the onlybig picture” we were ever meant to understand.

… and, with that, I am STILL the LUCKIEST Queen on the face of this beautiful planet, blessed far beyond anything my MANY sins of the past should have allowed. I love you, too, God. THANK YOU – for EVERYTHING! Your “messages” are coming through louder and clearer every step of the way.

MARCH 16, 2021: “All Things New” …

… that moment you ask her to “do something fun” with the little glass jar you kept from that time he whisked you away to a downtown staycation “King Williamson style” that once contained the $15 dollar gummy bears he devoured in less than sixty seconds! Yah! THAT HAPPENED! Meanwhile, here we are, turning trash into treasure yet again, making beauty from the most random things from the most extraordinary moments while remembering only the best things that need to be remembered to keep his legacy alive while leaving out all the rest. I asked her to make it coordinate with this hand crafted clay tile she’d made me earlier last year so I could set them together in the window sill in front of my kitchen sink where I swear I spend more than half my “MOM LIFE”!E

My “Mona Lisa” is not just an artist – she is artistry come to life. Both my works of art are the most beautiful ballads my heart as ever known and I just can’t say it enough. Her heart, imagination, internal beauty and grace never cease to amaze me, especially in all the endless ways she’s able to look through the darkest of forests and find that one thing that brings it to life. She looks for the best in every person and thing, and is slow to discount the possibilities in what others may find useless.

She is her mother’s daughter. He is his mother’s son. Not only do they both love making “all things new”, even more so do they continually renew me, “the luckiest queen on this Earth“! I am so lucky to still be here to witness my legacy burning up through both their ashes to their “phoenix” ways of life.

MARCH 15, 2021: “I’m Free” …

Thank you so much to anyone who ever takes the time out of their life to watch my videos or reads this Diary. I know that I am a little “too much” of everything, and my open, raw, transparent vulnerability is NOT for the faint of heart. So be it, and I totally understand. There’s an ass for every seat, so if you don’t like what I have to say, just swipe past me. It’s all good. In the meantime, I really AM trying so hard to be a Light in all this “dark”, and every day I’m a work in my progress. I’m still not sure exactly where my journey is going to take me, and more so than that, whether there even IS a “final destination”. Knowing there is an “end” in sight would make my journey static, boring, and “why bother”, if that makes sense. I’m thinking my journey IS “the destination”, and was, therefore, never meant to be ended with a “period”, ONLY ever a “semi-colon”, because my story is never going to be over! Even when I’m gone, if I’ve played my cards well, the pebbles that I’ve dropped into the ocean that is my life will live through my children and any other lives my story touches.

This weekend has been another important “destination” in my journey, as I have finally put some much needed closure out into the Cosmos with a blog post to the father I’ve been warring with in silence for YEARS. It was something that should have happened a LONG time ago, lest I be the world biggest living hypocrite with my “Only Light Can Kill The Darkness” platform, yet not forgiving the “HURT people” who have hurt ME. This morning I feel lighter than I have in as long as I can remember, regardless of the fact that knowing my father the way I do, there is a fair enough chance that he will neither read my words OR accept them. But, I said them, nonetheless, because it was the right thing for me to do.

Dad, if you ever see this …

I love you.

I’m sorry.

Cathy

FREE

The sun was beating down inside the walls of stone and razor wire as we made our way across the prison yard. I felt my heart begin to race as we drew nearer to the place where they say that death is waiting in the dark. The slamming doors of iron echoed through the halls where despair holds life within its cruel claws. But then I met a man whose face seemed so strangely out of place. A blinding light of hope was shining in his eyes. And with repentance in his voice, he told me of his tragic choice that led him to this place where he must pay the price. But then his voice grew strong as he began to tell about The One he said had rescued him from Hell. He said I’m free, yeah, oh, I have been forgiven. God’s love has taken off my chains and given me these wings. And I am free, yeah, yeah, and the freedom I’ve been given is something that not even death can take away from me. Because I’m free. Jesus set me free. We said a prayer and said good-bye, and tears began to fill my eyes as I stepped back out into the blinding sun. And even as I drove away, I found that I could not escape the way he spoke of what the grace of God had done. I thought about how sin had sentenced us to die, and how God gave His only Son so you and I could say “I’m free, yeah, oh, I have been forgiven. God’s love has taken off my chains and given me these wings. {Steven Curtis Chapman}

MARCH 13, 2021: “Desperado” …

Dear Dad: I’m pretty sure the text I sent this morning didn’t make it through, because the bubble on the screen was blue, which usually means “you’re blocked”. But I have it on good word that you do read some of my posts, so, “I’m writing this in case I’m gone tomorrow“.

I have heard you say the words “I never want to hear from you again” way too many times to count, and although it never gets easy hearing it, I understand if that is how you wish for it to be. I made peace with being on the losing end of the “I’m done with you” gauntlet engineered by your mother before I was even a thought. But I just want you to know that despite everything that’s ever been or that never has, and how I’ve now become the black sheep of this family, I do wish things could be different than they are.

Gia loves you too, and obviously so does Christian, but the cycle that keeps repeating itself in this family is no way for anyone to live, especially in the wake of devastation and loss my kids and I have suffered. Gia and I cannot allow ourselves in the presence of toxic places, energies, situations or people anymore. It’s a choice we’ve had to make for our mental health and survival. As for Christian, I’ve tried relentlessly to help him understand how things in this family work so that he too can rise above it once and for all, but at this point in the game, all I can do is pray that he finds a Light at the end of the lonely, darkened tunnel of regret we all built for him to travel. I pray every day that he doesn’t end up shooting HIMSELF in the head like my husband.

That being said, you should know that my son is a really good kid with a really big heart who tried desperately to gain your “approval”. The only reason he stays medicated and “disengaged” is because he’s broken. He’s humiliated, ashamed, and shattered into pieces because he just can’t ever seem to do anything good enough for you, and he can’t keep up with all the “conditions”. Every promise you ever made to him was broken. Every “gift” you ever gave him has been retracted. Don’t you remember how it made you feel when your own mother did those things to you? Welcome to your grandson, Dad. He’s history repeating itself, just like I used to be until I finally said ENOUGH!

I don’t wish any harm on you or for you to have to die all alone like the black rose in one of the saddest songs I’ve ever heard. It’s tragic that there’s nothing left of this family, especially after all evil your own “mother” did to you. The one thing that’s always baffled me is why would you want to be like her? Her grudges? Her conditions? Her double-standards of bullshit? The way she “washed her hands of you” when you failed to follow the rules? The only thing I have ever wanted to “give” my own children is a different life than the one I had. It’s no secret that I’ve failed them both miserably at times and repeated some of the cycles that were handed down on this family tree, BUT THEN I WOKE UP! Do you remember that day? I “woke up” in an insane asylum a thousand miles from home after having my kids literally peeled off my body while being carted off to a nuthouse to finally make the decision to stop living a life of farce. I did that for them, not for me, and do not regret a single decision I’ve made since deciding to start all over. Not, a single, ONE.

For the record, I don’t care about all your money or any of your “stuff”. I need nothing from ANYONE and can take care of myself and my kids just fine. It’s just that Christian says that you’re very sad these days, and I hate to hear that about anyone. Life is too short, so you should try to make the most of what time you have left here, whether it’s one day or twenty years. You and mom both worked so hard all your lives, and now what is there to show for it? An empty house? Some cars? A bank account and a bunch of “stuff”? No thanks. I’ll pass. No one will care about “what” you had when you die, and God isn’t going to ask what kind of car you drove when you get there. He’s just going to ask, “How Did You Love” and did you believe in His Son.

Thirty-three years ago I stood on a stage and sang this song to you in an auditorium full of strangers. Hearing it still makes me cry as I ponder the opportunities we all missed “living”, and how we’ve foolishly taken each other for granted. All any of us ever wanted was you, Dad. Not your money – not your stuff. Just you. We wanted to be what made you feel like a king! But we’ve all fallen short, such that you can’t even bare to look at us, just as we are, nothing more, nothing less, and say: “THEY are my castle. THEY are my crown. Win lose or draw, fuck ups and failures, THEY are my family, and THEY are good enough!”

So, with that, I leave you with this. Whether or not you believe it, I hold no grudge against you, nor will I ever, and I forgive you for every single thing you either “did or didn’t do” right by this family. Trust me when I tell you, I’ve had more than my fair share of “did or didn’t do” moments and I have been anything but a perfect parent. If it is true that you have read any of my words, than surely you must know that I have long since accounted for and apologized to them both for the many ways I failed them and all the ways I could have done better. Your granddaughter and I have not only forgiven the best husband and father this world has ever known, but THE DEVIL HIMSELF for devouring his mind and breathing the monster into his head that hurt us so badly in the end. That being said, with the exception of a handful of people in this world who have come for me and mine, I live by the same grace and forgiveness that God has unconditionally shown me.

Now, does that mean that I don’t openly hope that the handful of people I’ve had to forgive for my sake and my sake alone for the disgustingly cruel acts of inhumanity against my husband and my children don’t sleep well at night? It sure as hell doesn’t, and I sure as hell DO wish nothing but the LEAST for them and theirs! I forgive them all, but hope they never stop seeing my husband’s beautiful face staring back when they look inside their empty mirrors, and I very much do pray they have NIGHTMARES when they close their eyes thinking of their “trash can boy Zack of shit” son and brother blowing his brains out alone in that car after a lifetime of abandonment, betrayal, and neglect. And that “first do no harm” blonde HOOKER nurse who knowingly, willingly, and “in her right mind-edly” set out to destroy me and my kids? Yah, I’ve forgiven her too, but here’s wishing her all “the rest” that only a see you next Tuesday like her deserves! But wow, I’ve digressed! You get the point. I can forgive anyone for pretty much anything, and with the exception of those sub-human “things” that destroyed my husband and tried to destroy my kids, I wish nothing but the best for everyone – including YOU!

The picture below is my favorite one of me, and the center of one the best things I’ve ever written, “Crossing Over“. You were in that picture too, but I cropped you out when I published it. It was the wrong thing to do, especially given that when I decided to “cross over”, I did so as queen. Well, good queens don’t hold grudges or burn people alive on a cross. They speak their mind, walk away, and let God handle all the details. That is what I’m doing now. For what it’s worth, no matter what does or doesn’t happen, or what words are left unsaid between us when it’s time for you to see The Brighter Side Of Grey, this is the picture of us I will always choose to remember. I’m leaving out all the rest. I love you Dad, and I’m truly sorry for anything I’ve done to hurt you. My war with you is over.

DESPERADO

Desperado, why don’t you come to your senses? You’ve been out ridin’ fences for so long now. Oh, you’re a hard one. I know that you got your reasons. These things that are pleasin’ you can
hurt you somehow. Don’t you draw the queen of diamonds boy. She’ll beat you if she’s able. You know the queen of hearts is always your best bet. Now it seems to me some fine things have been laid upon your table, but you only want the ones that you can’t get. Desperado! Oh you ain’t gettin’ no younger. Your pain and your hunger, they’re drivin’ you home. And freedom? Oh freedom. Well, that’s just some people talkin’. Your prison is walking through this world all alone. Don’t your feet get cold in the winter time? The sky won’t snow and the Sun won’t shine. It’s hard to tell the night time from the day. You’re losin’ all your highs and lows. Ain’t it funny how the feeling goes away? Desperado, why don’t you come to your senses? Come down from your fences, open the gate. It may be rainin’, but there’s a rainbow above you. You better let somebody love you (let somebody love you). You better let somebody love you before it’s too late.
{The Eagles}

MARCH 12, 2021: “Still Undefeated!” …

… that moment you see certain words strung together that instantly send your heart, mind and soul back through a lifetime of beautiful memories that became your reason for surviving UNDEFEATED! If you’ve read my story or know a SINGLE thing about me, you know that I should probably not be able to breathe anymore.

Yes, I’ve buried a child.

Yes, I’ve buried a husband.

Yes, I’ve watched three of the people I loved most in this world dying LITERALLY in front of my eyes. But I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again … I truly am THE luckiest queen on the face of this planet, despite all the heartache and sorrow that should have buried me by now. Win, lose or draw, NOTHING can take these memories from me, NOTHING can take take my crown, and NOTHING can steal my blind faith in God, OR my joy, OR my Light, because death really IS nothing at all.

MARCH 10, 2021: “My Grey-Aversary” …

On a beautiful Tuesday afternoon, exactly one year ago today, “the music wheel of destiny” stopped my world, and my heart, and sent me straight into the breakdown lane of one of the busiest highways in Dallas so that I could literally “cry my eyes out”. It was as if Zack were singing this beautifully haunting melody to me, my daughter, and my son in a message from “The Brighter Side Of Grey“, where in our hearts we know he finally is. If you haven’t ever heard this song, I cannot urge you enough to listen to it, especially if you are at odds with yourself over the legacy you are going to be leaving behind for your own children and loved ones.

TODAY I CELEBRATE!

TODAY I AM THANKFUL!

Today I’ll stay grey, just like the sky in Dallas as I write this, because if I’ve learned anything in my “fifty-ONE-derful” years of life, it’s that life really ISN’T a game, it’s a song, and I fully intend to enjoy every single chord until I reach The Brighter Side of every fucked up, twisted moment of my absurd and beautiful life.

Since COVID crashed our concert last year, Gia still hasn’t read the letter Zack wrote before he left. She knows this song exists, but isn’t allowed to listen to it until she can first hear Ivan singing it on stage. That will be the night I finally let her read the words he wrote “in case he was gone tomorrow”. PLEASE listen to this song. It may just change the trajectory of your legacy and how you look at “grey” forever.

MARCH 9, 2021: “They Walk Among Us” …

Some say forgiveness is for us and us alone, and I agree with that mindset whole-heartedly, with the exception of this one little caveat as far as the full extent of grace I am capable of extending to the TRULY evil “Devil’s Own” that walk amongst us. Yes, I have forgiven my husband’s “mother“, and his “brothers and sisters“, and even that pit viper “nurse” who in her 100% stable, not mentally ill mind, set out to DECIMATE not only my life, but my children’s lives as well.

I made the mistake of “verbal vomiting” to her about some things I’d been through in my life, and my mental illness as well. Trust me when I tell you, she knew exactly what she was doing, and exactly why her threats would work. In “pure evil” style, she used my once paralyzing fear of “what people would think of me” as the power and control in her “I’M GONNA TELL EVERYONE YOU’RE NUTS” game of chicken.

You see, at that point Zack and I were barely getting on our feet and our both our financial resources were extremely limited. Between the promise they would “tell everyone” and the constant “see you in court” threats, Zack and I were foolishly convinced that between my extensive mental health history and the lack of financial resources to fight them if they did take me to court, not only would we be “bled dry” (as my ex-husband used to famously say), but that we lose Gia in the process.

Knowing what I know now, and after everything was said and done, a court battle probably would have turned out in our favor. Was I a perfect mom? NOPE! Was I battling a mental illness? YUP! But was a “danger to society and other people’s children like she called all the moms to tell them? NOPE! Not so much! Meanwhile, I’m here to tell you, it takes a SPECIAL kind of “evil” to just wake up one morning and say, “Let me destroy her for sport because she GAVE me all her cards AND I CAN!”

Perhaps the worst part of what she did was how she even managed to turn Gia’s own father against her in the middle of one of her darkest storms. She had him convinced that, NOPE, Gia wasn’t really “being bullied, shunned and ostracized at school”, but that she too was just making things up as she went along. As a result, her dad believed that she, “like me”, was a lying, manipulating, “story-teller” who was simply jealous of his new girlfriend and her daughter. He refused to protect her. He refused to believe her. He refused to validate the sobering truths and realities about what was happening to her at that school, which to this day is a deep source of trauma to my daughter. She has “forgiven” her dad for the many ways he chose to stand in the corner of “that thing” and her daughter instead of hers, but trust me, she has never forgotten, nor will she ever.

THIS is what evil looks like:

It depends on where you are in your journey, whether or not you have fortified your “mental wealth” to IMPERMEABLE, and WHO you are disclosing your illness to. After my clinical diagnoses, while I was still in the early stage of my healing and recovery process, I made the grave mistake of sharing it with my ex-husband’s girlfriend. Not only was she in nursing school at the time, but she claimed to have had a background in the study and understanding of clinical psychology as well, so I really thought I could trust her. “First do no harm”, right? Well, just as sure as you’ve heard it said that “the devil will often appear disguised as everything you’ve ever wanted or needed”, she befriended me from out of the clear blue sky at a time when I was both mentally and physically down and out and desperately needed a friend. On the surface she was kind and thoughtful, and quickly availed herself to my process, always eager to lend an ear and whatever “support” she could offer. What I didn’t realize, however, is that what she was really doing was collecting information to use against me at a later time, which, in fact, SHE DID!

Quite early on in their relationship (which, for the record, I SET UP), things began spiraling between her and my ex. Neither of my kids could stand her (and STILL can’t to this day), as it was beginning to appear that ulterior motive behind her intentions was purely financial. Within two weeks of beginning to date, she all but moved her things into his house, and her rapid “indiscretions” within earshot of my son and his girlfriend (who were living at my ex’s at the time) didn’t help her case at all. Let’s put it this way … “that” was five years ago, but the nights of “her loudly moaning and screaming” (as if she wanted them to hear her) and the headboard banging against the wall are STILL the subject of fodder at many of our family dinners. Very long and disgusting story short, when things weren’t going exactly the way she wanted, she took all that information she collected – the weaknesses and vulnerabilities I’d shared with her from a truly trusting place- and bludgeoning me with it ALL! She began threatening to “tell everyone” at our very small private school about my “institutionalized nervous breakdown” and that I was a “Girl Interrupted borderline”. (Yes, that’s true by the way – I AM!) She incorrectly believed that I was the one responsible for turning my kids against her, as well as all the other moms at our school, and kept assuring me in no uncertain terms that “if I didn’t stop causing her problems”, SHE WAS GONNA TELL! She EVEN threatened to contact the Texas Real Estate Commission and my brokerage in attempt to have my real estate license stripped from me.

Fast forward to one day on the school playground where a group of fourth grade girls (who this woman’s daughter had overtly caused to socially shun and ostracize my daughter) surrounded my beautiful baby girl in a circle and proceeded to ask her: “Is it true that your mom is a sociopath and was in a mental hospital and she’s dangerous to be around?” Yes, my Quora friends, this is an absolutely true and verifiable reality! My right hand to God — IT HAPPENED! That pretty little VIPER had indeed called all the moms and spilled my beans for me. For the record, THAT day on the playground was the catalyst for my daughter’s “suicidality”, which in an EXTREMELY turn was one of the lynch pins in my husband’s ACTUAL suicide.

So, with that, I say to all of you reading this :: JUST BE CAREFUL WHO YOU SHARE YOUR ILLNESS WITH unless and until you are prepared for any potential backlash. Find a support system you can “trust with your life”! YOU ABSOLUTELY NEED TO HAVE “SAFE PEOPLE” YOU CAN LEAN ON! You CANNOT and SHOULD NOT make your mental health recovery journey alone! But just remember that there ARE people out there who prey on other people’s darkness in order to make themselves, well, “GOD”. I call them “the Devil’s Own”!

Thank you all for listening, and by the way – HI EVERYONE! IT’S ME, “THE REAL” CAT WILLIAMSON! Yes, I am a recovering Borderline! Yes, I’ve had a nervous breakdown! No, I’m not ashamed of it ANYMORE! Yes, I’m a frigging BADASS now! And NOPE, I don’t care “who knows it”! But it took me a LONG time, A LOT of hard work, an a handful of unconditionally loving “safe people” for me to get here. I pray that for any of YOU who are just beginning your own journey to “the other side of the storm”.

{My response to the Quora question “Should you disclose your mental illness to others?”.}

Matthew 6:14 says: “For if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you.”

Timothy 3:1-5 says: “There will be times of difficulty. For people will be lovers of self and of money, proud, arrogant, abusive, disobedient to their parents, ungrateful, unholy, heartless, unappeasable, slanderous, without self-control, brutal, not loving good, treacherous, reckless, swollen with conceit, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God, having the appearance of godliness, but denying its power. Avoid such people.”

“Real Cat” says:

I really can forgive ANYONE for ANYTHING, and as God is my witness, I HAVE! But I’ll just keeping taking people on a case by case basis. The Devil’s Own really do walk among us, but I’m not even sure they’re “people”. They’re a different kind of breed altogether. I’m not quite sure I’ll ever get to the point that I stop avidly praying that God really DOES sort us all out in the end. I’m just a mortal human, not a god or Jesus Christ, so I’ll just keeping asking for “forgiveness” for not being too excited about the idea of “mercy for the merciless”.

PURE EVIL

Wipe that smile off your face you immaculate disgrace, ’cause Heaven knows a prayer won’t save you now. You wear the halo of a saint to hide the venom of a snake, built your kingdom on a lie, so watch it all come crashing down! Now! You prophet of hate. You profit from faith. Truth-less, two-faced, two bit fuckin’ hypocrite, how does it feel? How does it feel? The day has come to pay for what you’ve done. Sinner revealed. Tell me how does it feel? So pure within your soul. Pure evil if your blackened heart believes in the righteous words you speak. You know Heaven will send hell for you and bring you to your knees … pray as your throne burns slowly. Now how does it feel? {Like A Storm}

MARCH 8, 2021: “The Fortress Behind These Walls” …

A dear friend of mine posted this today on his social media and it really hit me hard:

The inability to receive support from others is a trauma response. Your “I don’t need anyone, I’ll just do it all myself” conditioning is a survival tactic. You needed it to shield your heart from the abuse, neglect, betrayal, and disappointment from those who could not or would not be there for you. From the parent who was absent and abandoned you by choice. From the parent who was never home from working three jobs to feed and house you. From the lovers who offered sexual intimacy but never offered a safe haven that honored your heart. From the friendships and family who ALWAYS took more than they ever gave. From all the situations when someone told you “we’re in this together” or “I got you” then abandoned you, leaving you to pick up the pieces when shit got real. Leaving you to handle your part and their part, too. From all the lies and all the betrayals. You learned along the way that you just couldn’t really trust people. Or that you could trust people, but only up to a certain point. EXTREME INDEPENDENCE IS A TRUST ISSUE! You learned: “If I don’t put myself in a situation where I rely on someone, I won’t have to be disappointed when they don’t show up for me – OR – “when they drop the ball … because they will ALWAYS drop the ball EVENTUALLY, right?” You may even have been intentionally taught this protection strategy by generations of hurt ancestors who came before you. EXTREME INDEPENDENCE IS A PRE-EMPTIVE STRIKE AGAINST HEARTBREAK! So, you don’t trust ANYONE. And you don’t trust YOURSELF either. ESPECIALLY to choose people. To trust is to hope. To trust is to be vulnerable. “Never again,” you vow. But no matter how you dress it up and display it proudly to make it seem like this level of independence is what you always wanted to be … in truth it’s your wounded, scarred, broken heart behind a protective brick wall. Impenetrable. Nothing gets in. No hurt gets in. But no love gets in either. Fortresses and armor are for those in battle, or who believe the battle is coming. 𝗜𝘁’𝘀 𝗮 𝘁𝗿𝗮𝘂𝗺𝗮 𝗿𝗲𝘀𝗽𝗼𝗻𝘀𝗲! The good news is trauma that is acknowledged is trauma that can be healed.

{Talon Harris with credit to “Inspired Jamila”}

Yes, I am a queen. Yes, I am healed, risen and SOARING after an entire lifetime of “walls”. Yes, I am thankful for EVERY thing, person, and situation that broke me, because I wouldn’t have had anything to “ascend from” had I not come from all these ashes. I would never have known how to recognize OR receive true, unconditional love, grace, acceptance and kindness from the very few people who have ever offered it to me.

But HERE’S why his post upset me ….

“The fortress” in this post? He was my husband! He’s still my son! She was my daughter! SHE WAS ME! “A fortress” is what so many kids are becoming, even as I write this, and I’m sickened to say that because there are certain parenting and lifestyle choice boundaries that are just not okay to cross, I have to sit silently and helplessly as so many parents I know literally decimate their beautiful children right in front of my eyes!

SELFISH, TOXIC, ABUSIVE PARENTS:

Wake the fuck up and get your shit together! GET YOUR KIDS OUT OF TOXIC ENVIRONMENTS! PROTECT THEM! CHERISH THEM! VALIDATE THEM! HEAR THEM! CONSIDER THEM FIRST IN EVERY SINGLE CHOICE YOU MAKE FOR “YOU”! Worse yet, stop letting the people who hurt YOU continue to hurt your children! By failing to heal yourself and find a way to have healthy relationships after ones that have broken you apart, you only perpetuate that cycle of “victimized brokenness” by handing it down to your innocently jaded children!

In the meantime, I’ll just keep PRAYING that someday I don’t “get that call” that a child I once knew swallowed a bullet because their SELFISH parents “deserved the life they deserved” and I have to show up at their funeral. But mostly, I’ll be praying that somehow they’ll rise above their “life behind fortress walls” and be able to stand in front of a mirror one day and say …

“I AM WORTHY of having support. I AM WORTHY of having true partnership. I AM WORTHY of love. I AM WORTHY of having my heart held. I AM WORTHY to be adored. I AM WORTHY to be cherished. I AM WORTHY to have someone say, “You rest – I got this”, and actually fucking deliver on that promise. I don’t have to earn it! I don’t have to prove it! I don’t have to bargain for it! I don’t have to beg for it! I AM WORTHY!”

MARCH 7, 2021: “Seventeen Butterflies” …

Every Christmas, my ex and his mom send a fresh wreath with little butterflies on it to our daughter’s grave. It happens every year faithfully since the very first Christmas without her, and their beautiful wreaths are something I always enjoy seeing as “me and mine” make our own treks to dress her spot with a basket befitting an angel.

Their wreaths show up right after Thanksgiving and stay for the entirety of the month, and thereon into January. Gina Marie gets flowers and baskets many times throughout the year, but January 11th was her “one and only day”, as her duties called her elsewhere, and she left just as swiftly as she came, so of course it is never forgotten! After we split for the last time, her dad made his birthday visit apart from mine, and unbeknownst to me, took that year’s wreath home with him. One day when I was picking up Gia, I noticed it in his garage and asked him why it was there. “Umm, I don’t really know. I just took it for some reason. I didn’t want them just throwing it away.” With that, I asked him if I could have it so that I could perhaps use the beautiful red ribbon and the tiny, “feather butterflies” in her upcoming spring basket, which I did, and there began our family tradition of repurposing her Christmas wreath.

But then … THIS year! As par for the course now, after her birthday, her dad brings the old wreaths for me to do my thing. It’s a labor of love that fills my heart with unspeakable joy, because for all she brought to me in a few short hours, taking them apart and piecing them into my own spring baskets just makes me feel so close to her energy. While I was on the phone with her dad this January, this conversation happened …

Hey, guess what I’m doing … I’m taking apart her wreath and getting ready to make the basket.

Oh, good. There’s seventeen, right?

Seventeen? Seventeen WHAT?

Seventeen butterflies. We add one every year, and this year she’d have been seventeen.

My heart hit the floor in the best kind of way. I had no idea that year after year, one by one, as I’d been carefully cutting those delicate butterflies from their wires and setting them on tissue paper until it was time for their final journey, there was yet another hidden picture waiting to be revealed in keeping with the sweet mosaic rhythm of my life.

MARCH 5, 2021: “The Tortilla That Made Me Cry” …

INDEED IT’S TRUE …

… a tortilla really DID make me cry this morning, but alas – Batman TOTALLY saved the day!

Unless you either are a Mexican, was raised by a Mexican, lived with a Mexican, or spent any time next to a Mexican Mama turning dough balls in the kitchen, you simply cannot understand the “tortilla” of it all! Some day if you’re really lucky, I’ll tell you ALL about what my Italian grandmother taught me about food from her kitchen. Oh, wait, I’ll just tell ya now! It went somethin’ like this …

You bettah eat those friggin’ sawsage and peppahs NOW or ya dead to me AND ya gonna burn in HELL!”

Wait! What?

Much love to all of you! Goodnight!

MARCH 2, 2021: “My Naked Number” …

What’s YOUR “Naked Number”?

Mine is two! Only two men have ever really seen me naked, King One, and King Two, and two it may be forever. That being said, I am totally on board with “alone, not lonely” for the entirety of my journey if that’s how it’s supposed to be.

Lookit! Have ya met me? I’m the happiest person know, and I’m my very best friend, and “me and me” have a SHIT TON of light to shine upon the unsuspecting masses, and we’re doing just fine on our own.

BUT HERE’S THE DEAL …

I have long believed that three is the number of perfection. Under optimal conditions, the all consuming heat from my untamed heart could literally melt a diamond. I’m not a fan of being touched, so any man worthy of getting close enough to hold my heart in his hands is gonna have to be forged from ashes himself. The shadow of his Herculean phoenix wings will need to be even bigger than mine so that as he’s flying either above or behind me, everyone will see the flames of ALL my heart’s desires burning deep inside his eyes. His wings will need to eclipse the enormity of the two who led me before him, such that not only will he be confident enough to live with their lingering presences, but even more so will he embrace and honor them in gratitude for the treasure they left for him to find. The only thing that can survive a living fire is living fire itself. The ONLY one who belongs with a queen is a king.

Time will tell if there is to be “one last king” who gets to see me naked and read the very private the pages of my book, but DAMN that’s gonna be one lucky bastard. Trust me when I tell you, I really AM “everything, nothing, and ALL of it”, and that’s what he’ll be too.

SOUL SEARCHER

I don’t know what am I looking for … I don’t know what I’ll find. It lies behind the door to another space and time. The riddle is a metaphor without a trace of rhyme. Don’t need a time machine to travel near and far. Went deep inside to reach a distant star. Things are never what they seem when you wonder who you are… who you are. Soul searcher! Soul searcher! Can’t hide – there’s no one there but me. Light reveals what’s never been shown – no mortal eyes can see. By yourself, but not alone, our soulmates set us free. And everything you’ve ever known is what was meant to be… it was destiny. Soul searcher! Take a look inside and tell me what do you see. Soul searcher! Can’t hide-there’s no one there but me. {Joe Lynn Turner}

MARCH 1, 2021: “Why Flowers Give Me Butterflies” …

… because, he was a king like that!

“This Week’s Flowers”!

THE FLOWERS! It was one of my favorite things about him. He’d send me flowers even when I wasn’t home, whether I was sitting in a classroom somewhere, or on the rare occasion that I traveled without him, they’d be waiting in my hotel room! The fresh flowers that are always on my counter these days (and will be until I take my last breath) may no longer be sent by him directly – but trust me when I tell you – they are indeed BECAUSE of him! He made damn good and sure that I knew, EVERY, SINGLE, DAY, that I was priceless, and valuable, and WORTHY of all the best and most beautiful things in this world. The never-ending array of fresh flowers in this house for me (and sometimes even Gia) was just one of the ways he accomplished that. So, when I tell you that “HE MADE ME A QUEEN, and QUEEN I shall be all the days of my life” – “the flowers” are just one of many the reasons why!

Jean Claude Van DAMN I am such a lucky woman. He may be physically gone, but but “who he was” and his legacy of love are still very much alive in the fabric of our lives. True love never dies my friends … it just slips into the next room.

Now then – go and get yourself some flowers – TODAY! You are worthy too!

FEBRUARY 27, 2021: “Falling Down In The Fog” …

… yes, my friends, we’re all decked out in grey here at The Manor, and I couldn’t be any happier. You cannot really know me without first understanding the “grey” of it all, why it is my mantra, how I earned the endearing title of “Miss Red Hook 1922“, and why FOG is my other favorite color“.

Faith And Perspective.

The fog doesn’t scare me. It’s neither ominous, nor looming, nor haunting. I feel the mist as a cosmic hug from every moment and Creation that ever was or will be. It’s cryptic, and ethereal, and POWERFUL – just like The One Who charged me in the first place to solve the greatest mystery of all: “Why?” Why do we suffer? Why is there pain? Why is there heartache and death? Indeed I’ve discovered the answer to that question, and here it is my friends: THERE ISN’T ONE! Not NEEDING to understand is the understanding.

Amidst all the fog is the Nirvana I’ve achieved as I’m free-falling off this cliff with truly blind faith that everything’s gonna be okay, not having to worry about all the details, and believing with EVERY fiber of my mortal being that The Cosmos WILL catch me in the end. It’s “nothing”, and “everything”, and “ALL OF IT” at once, like the oxymoronic carnival of joy that is my INSANELY BEAUTIFUL LIFE!

My truest prayer for anyone reading this is that if you haven’t reached this pinnacle yet, before your journey here is over – you will. When that day comes, you will never be falling DOWN again – you’ll only be falling UP – and the fog will whisper the silent rhapsody of God singing these words to you

I wept as I saw you aching, I broke as I watched you falling, and I suffered as I watched you struggling to get back up and find your way to Me through through the fog. You couldn’t always see me, BUT I NEVER LEFT YOUR SIDE, and now that you finally understand that you DON’T have to understand “everything, nothing, and ALL OF IT”, you’re standing at My High Cathedral walls where nothing about your journey was meaningless or small. I love you. You are Home – warm, well fed and at peace.

WE FALL DOWN

Cursing every step of the way, he bore a heavy load to the market ten miles away, the journey took its toll. And every day he passed a monastery’s high cathedral walls, and it made his life seem meaningless and small. And he wondered how it would be to live in such a place – to be warm, well fed and at peace, to shut the world away. So when he saw a priest who walked, for once, beyond the iron gate, he said, “tell me of your life inside the place”. And the priest replied, “We fall down, we get up … and the saints are just the sinners who fall down and get up”. Disappointment followed him home, he’d hoped for so much more, but he saw himself in a light he had never seen before, ’cause if the priest who fell could find the Grace of God to be enough, then there must be some hope for the rest of us. There must be some hope left for us, ’cause e fall down, we get up …”. {Bob Carlisle}

FEBRUARY 26, 2021: “You Is Good! You Is Kind!” …

… YOU IS IMPORTANT!

Hi everyone, it’s me, your friendly, neighborhood “REAL CAT” with some life hacks for ya … not the LEAST of which is

LADIES AND/OR GENTLEMEN:

Before the clock strikes that hour when your beloved is gonna walk through your door, slap some lipstick on it, brush your teeth, and give that lucky person driving home to you right now a ‘lil somethin’ to look forward to! Oh, and clean out your jewelry box! Okay, that’s it!

Much love … Cat!

{PS}

If you’ve never seen “The Help“, I cannot recommend it enough. Not only is a MAJOR lesson for those who don’t fully understand the TRUTH about American history, but Viola Davis is probably one of my favorite actors of all times. Her portrayal of “Aibileen Clark” (who I mistakenly said was “Minnie” in the video) literally changed the way I speak to myself, EVERY, single, day – AND – the way that I hope MY daughter and HER daughters will “self talk to themselves” for as long as my legacy lives on. Just thought I’d share.

… what my “talk to myself time” used to look like. That was then. This is now.

FEBRUARY 23, 2021: “Say It Loud & Clear – In The Living Years” …

I’m don’t think anything has hit me quite as hard as this in quite some time. And for the record, this little “life hack” doesn’t just apply to close family and loved ones, it applies to our friends as well. I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again … CHECK IN ON YOUR PEOPLE! Yes, I know – we’re ALL busy. We ALL have issues. We ALL feel like we’re drowning at times. I get it. Don’t make bullshit excuses! Inconvenience yourself if you must. Just make the damn call or send the text …

Hi there! I’m not calling for a favor. I don’t have a question. I don’t need you to listen to my latest crisis. I just want you to know that you matter and I’m glad you exist!

Trust me when I tell you that there’s NEVER a bad time to reach out to someone you love this way, and also, it’s the right and “not selfish” human thing to do. Still can’t find the time? Still to busy with your “crisis”? Well, then close your eyes right this second and imagine yourself standing over their grave! “Damn, I wish I would have called them. I wonder if they really knew that they mattered?” AND THERE YOU HAVE IT FOLKS! There’s “NO TIME” like the present, and once all that time you could never find and to spare for the people in your life is gone – YA CAN’T HAVE IT BACK!

Here’s the good news:

If you’re a natural born “taker”, and not so much a “giver” – I get that too and can even somewhat appreciate it! There really is a place for each side of that “taker/giver coin”, if not to exist solely as “ying” to another’s “yang”. I mean, how would any of us know what “selfless” looks like if we didn’t know know what “selfish” looks like too? Ya can’t see a light without the darkness behind it. It’s both practical logic and sobering, hard core TRUTH!

… but here’s another “hard core TRUTH” …

One day you may just find yourself in that very lonely hour saying, “WAIT! Where are my people? WHO ARE MY PEOPLE?This is usually right around the time you start thinking about all the times you showed up for everyone else (even when your OWN “crisis cards” were down) and going, “WOW! Really?” Is it an evil necessary? SURE! Again, with the “light and the dark”. But it’s never too late to switch lanes and really get in the often inconvenient habit of putting your people into true perspective and not taking them for granted before the day comes that they are gone.

And by the way, the pain we feel at a loved one’s death can be just as awful as the pain of existing here on Earth with someone that you are theoretically dead to. The phone rings both ways folks, and even the givingest of the givers have their limits. Sooner or later we learn that though we may still love someone, we have to love them from afar, because our time, effort and energy are way too valuable to spend on someone who takes our value for granted. Been there. Done that. With each passing day I’m killing off “living people” left and right. “Hi everyone, it’s me, CAT, and I’m still the nicest BITCH ever!”

IN THE LIVING YEARS

Every generation blames the one before, and all of their frustrations come beating on your door. I know that I’m a prisoner to all my Father held so dear. I know that I’m a hostage to all his hopes and fears. I just wish I could have told him in the living years. Oh, crumpled bits of paper filled with imperfect thought. Stilted conversations – I’m afraid that’s all we’ve got. You say you just don’t see it – he says it’s perfect sense. You just can’t get agreement in this present tense. We all talk a different language talking in defense. Say it loud, say it clear. You can listen as well as you hear. It’s too late when we die to admit we don’t see eye to eye. So we open up a quarrel between the present and the past. We only sacrifice the future – it’s the bitterness that lasts. So don’t yield to the fortunes you sometimes see as fate. It may have a new perspective on a different day. And if you don’t give up, and don’t give in, you may just be okay. So say it loud, say it clear. I was e there that morning my Father passed away. I didn’t get to tell him all the things I had to say. I think I caught his spirit later that same year. I’m sure I heard his echo in my baby’s new born tears. I just wish I could have told him in the living years. {Mike & The Mechanics}

FEBRUARY 19, 2021: “I Don’t Need No Stinkin’ Hero” …

… ’cause, ummm…

… I KINDA ALREADY HAVE ONE!

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again ~ I’m the luckiest, most blessed, badass warrior QUEEN I’ve ever known. But I’ve said this before, and I’ll say it againIT’S NOT ME …

… IT’S THEM!

… at my left wing is The Father, The Son and The Holy Spirit … at my right wing is the gang of REAL angels that fly behind me EVERYWHERE! Yes, I am sure that so many people think that I’m off my rocker CRAZY for believing what I believe, but here’s the deal — I DON’T CARE! I know what I knowI think what I think … I feel what I feel! THE FACT THAT I’M STILL STANDING IN THIS KINGDOM LIKE THE “SUPERHUMAN QUEEN” I TRULY AM IS LIVING PROOF!

I’ve got a hero! I’VE GOT A HERO LIVIN’ IN ME! I’m gonna fight for what’s right. Today I’m speaking my mind – and if it kills me tonight, I will be ready to die. A hero’s not afraid to give his life.

HERO

I’m just a step away. I’m just a breath away. Losin’ my faith today – fallin’ off the edge today! I am just a man – not superhuman. I’M NOT SUPERHUMAN! Someone save me from the hate. It’s just another war. Just another family torn. FALLING FROM MY FAITH TODAY! Just a step from the edge. Just another day in the world we live. I need a hero to save me now! I need a hero! SAVE ME NOW! I need a hero to save my life. A hero’ll save me just in time! I’ve gotta fight today to live another day. Speakin’ my mind today. MY VOICE WILL BE HEART TODAY! I’ve gotta make a stand – but I am just a man. I’M NOT SUPERHUMAN! My voice will be heard today. It’s just another war. Just another family torn. MY VOICE WILL BE HEARD TODAY! It’s just another kill – the countdown begins to destroy ourselves. I need a hero to save me now. I need a hero! SAVE ME NOW! I need a hero to save my life. A hero’ll save me just in time! I need a hero to save my life. I need a hero just in time. Save me just in time. Who’s gonna fight for what’s right? Who’s gonna help us survive? We’re in the fight of our lives and we’re not ready to die! Who’s gonna fight for the weak? Who’s gonna make ’em believe? I’ve got a hero! I’VE GOT A HERO LIVIN’ IN ME! I’m gonna fight for what’s right. Today I’m speaking my mind – and if it kills me tonight, I will be ready to die. A hero’s not afraid to give his life. {Skillet}

FEBRUARY 15, 2021: “Power, Grace, And Beauty Rising” …

WHO AM I?

I am me. My very best friend, and the one person in my life I know will never let me down. I’m the person I get to be with until I take my last breath and set my eyes upon the The Brighter Side Of Grey, and the only one I can count on when all my cards are down, come Hell or the highest of waters.

I’m the Queen Of The World who has crossed on over to the upside of just about everything, yet I’m the most wretched in all the land. Love me or hate me, I DON’T CARE, ’cause at least I know it’s true! I have the world’s biggest ego and the confidence of a lion, yet I’m humbled by the power of my insignificance. I am big. I am small. I’m but a pebble skipped across the ocean. I am valueless and valued all the same!

I am NOTHING.

I am EVERYTHING.

I’m an oxymoron.

I am power, grace, and beauty rising.

So are you.

BEAUTY WILL RISE

It was the day the world went wrong. I screamed ’til my voice was gone and watched through the tears as everything came crashing down. Slowly panic turns to pain as we awake to what remains and sift through the ashes that are left. But buried deep beneath all our broken dreams we have this hope. Out of these ashes, beauty will rise, and we will dance among the ruins. We will see Him with our own eyes. Out of these ashes, beauty will rise. For we know joy is coming in the morning. In the morning, beauty will rise. So take another breath for now, and let the tears come washing down. And if you can’t believe, I will believe for you. ‘Cause I have seen the signs of spring! Just watch and see! Out of these ashes, beauty will rise, and we will dance among the ruins. We will see Him with our own eyes. Out of these ashes, beauty will rise. For we know joy is coming in the morning. In the morning. I can hear it in the distance … and it’s not too far away. It’s the music and the laughter of a wedding and a feast. I can almost feel the hand of God reaching for my face to wipe the tears away and say, “It’s time to make everything new.” “Make it all new”. This is our hope. This is the promise. That it would take our breath away to see the beauty that’s been made out of the ashes. {Steven Curtis Chapman}

FEBRUARY 12, 2021: “Do You Need Help?” …

HELP!

I THINK I NEED HELP! I’m drowning in myself. Did someone turn the lights out, or is it just another dark cloud in my head? ‘Cause I’m cut deep. My heart won’t beat. Deep down low it’s killing me. If I wanna scratch out yesterday, I’ve got so much I need to say. I THINK I NEED HELP! ‘Cause I’m drowning in myself. It’s sinking in. I can’t pretend that I ain’t been through hell. I THINK I NEED HELP! I’m drowning in myself. They’re preying on my weakness. Believe it. I’m thinking to myself: “No, not again!”, and I won’t keep listening when temptation’s creeping in. If I wanna make it another day, I’ve got so much I need to say. I THINK I NEED HELP! {Papa Roach}

FEBRUARY 11, 2021: “Right NOW!” …

… aaaaaand, all I have to say TODAY, is … best damn quote I’ve heard in a long time! Had to memorialize it in “a little bitta black, a little bitta white, and a LOTTA bitta grey”.

RIGHT NOW

Don’t wanna wait ’til tomorrow. Why put it off another day? One by one, little problems build up and stand in our way. Oh! One step ahead, one step behind it. Now you gotta run to get even. Make future plans – I’ll dream about yesterday. Hey! Come on turn, turn this thing around. (Right now!) Hey – it’s your tomorrow. (Right now!) Come on, it’s everything! (Right now!) Catch your magic moment. Do it right here and now. It means everything! Miss a beat, you lose the rhythm, and nothin’ falls into place. Aah! Only missed by a fraction. Slipped a little off your pace. Oh! The more things you get, the more you want. Just trade in one for another. Workin’ so hard to make it easy. Whoa! Got to turn! Come on! Turn this thing around! (Right now.) Hey – it’s your tomorrow. (Right now!) Come on, it’s everything! (Right now!) Catch your magic moment. Do it right here and now. It means everything! It’s enlightened me – right now! WHAT ARE YOU WAITIN’ FOR? {Van Halen}

FEBRUARY 10, 2021: “Hear Me NOW!” …

This afternoon, this exceptionally beautiful man I follow posted something so powerful, poignant, and relevant to yet another absolutely insane, if not mind-numbing trauma that “what’s what’s left of my little family” went through late last night and into the wee hours of the morning. His name is Tommy Vext, and yes he’s a musician, but note that it’s not how I first referenced him. I said, “beautiful man”, not “beautiful musician”, because if I’ve learned anything about myself in the last 540 days, as well as the last 52 years overall, it’s that I couldn’t give TWO SHITS about someone’s fame, fortune, or status. No offense to anyone “famous, fortunate, or STATELY”, but that’s just not how I roll. I’m all about the grey as far as the footprint we leave behind, and ZERO do “fame and fortune” have to do with a legacy of love.

This is what he posted …

… then he dropped this except from a writer who I never even knew existed until today:

Our basic recovery concept that never loses its power to work miracles is the concept called acceptance. We do not achieve acceptance in a moment. We often have to work through a mirage of feelings—sometimes anger, outrage, shame, self-pity, or sadness. But if acceptance is our goal, we will achieve it. What is more freeing than to laugh at our weaknesses and to be grateful for our strengths? To know the entire package called “us” —with all our feelings, thoughts, tendencies, and history—is worthy of acceptance and brings healing feelings. To accept our circumstances is another miraculous cure. For anything to change or anyone to change, we must first accept ourselves, others, and the circumstance exactly as they are. Then, we need to take it one step further. We need to become grateful for ourselves or our circumstances. We add a touch of faith by saying, “I know this is exactly the way it’s supposed to be for the moment.” No matter how complicated we get, the basics never lose their power to restore us to sanity.

{Melody Beattie ~ “Acceptance“}

HIS RESPONSE:

Today, God, help me practice the concept of acceptance in my life. Help me accept others, my circumstances, and myself. Take me one step further, and help me feel grateful.

{Tommy Vext @Instagram}

… at which point all I could say was:

ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW?

What’s with this Cosmos always serving me these breakthroughs when I’m either driving, or sitting in a parking lot, or simply staring into the fog? It’s one of the most fucked up and AWESOME enigmas of my life! I’m not gonna lie … after the trauma that was visited upon us all last night at hands of someone who claims to “love us” … TODAY WE ARE SHAKEN TO THE CORE! Worse yet, it was my poor fucking son who’s trying SO hard to rise up and “love himself” out of that familiarly gifted Venom suit who bore the brunt of it ALL! Sooner or later, you know I’ll dig in to that, but in the meantime: I NEEDED THESE WORDS TODAY! Yes, God, PLEASE help me not to veer off the path of acceptance regardless of how painful the circumstances.

Can I just say this? Leave it to Destiny to show up right on time as is always par for my course. With that, I once again say I AM THE MOST blessed woman alive in this extraordinary lifetime I was lucky enough to be chosen to live! As for this song? While on the surface it appears to be a love song, tonight I sing it out loud, as if God was actually singing it to me Himself, because I deserve to hear EVERY word of this song from the one Father who’s never let me down. If you’re reading this right now, it is my true prayer that you too remember to love and accept yourself and your circumstances without condition always!

HEAR ME NOW

I’m at the bottom, can you come let me up? ‘Cause I brought a flower for you. Your friends are faded – let me fill up your cup and toast to the stars over the ocean’s flowing emotions in the air. I don’t wanna live for nothing. Just wanna be something. I never knew what it took to win. I don’t wanna live for nothing. Just wanna be something. I never knew we’d be more than friends. We spin the bottle till we’re kissing our cups. Felt like I’d die for you. You can’t explain it, it’s been years since we’ve touched, and I’ve waited none for you. I don’t wanna live for nothing. Just wanna be something. I never knew what it took to win. I don’t wanna live for nothing. Just wanna be something. I never knew we’d be more than friends. Come let me up. Can you hear me now? About half a block away out. Can you hear me now? The ocean’s flowing emotions in the air. I don’t wanna live for nothing. Just wanna be something. {Bad Wolves}

FEBRUARY 8, 2021: “O’er Fodder & Field” …

FODDER:

Indeed it is true that the “I got my heart broken and now I’m afraid to love” struggle is up close, personal and very real! But here’s what I’ve been tryin’ to tell ya folks AND PLEASE HEAR ME LOUD AND CLEAR! If I hadn’t truly believed in the existence and power of REAL LOVE all the while … and even though some of the most “forgettable” people almost destroyed me (one of whom actually leveled me SO badly that I tried to kill myself) …

I WOULD NEVER HAVE MET THE TWO LOVES OF MY LIFE!

That’s right my friends! I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again; I have been truly and deeply loved by TWO KINGS in this lifetime. Not one – TWO! How many women can say that? While unfortunately their fates had to take them Home too soon, the love each of them gave me was enough to last me a lifetime if that is to be MY fate. Nonetheless it remains … TRUE LOVE IS VERY REAL … and the people that hurt you but the FODDER beneath your feet who prepared you for the greener pastures yet to come …

… meaning …

You will never be able to to recognize or appreciate your real king or a queen unless you’ve spent time in the company of an asshole! So, just keep stepping over all that fodder as you walk through to greener pastures towards the Light! Take it from me – the grass really is better on this side! AND FOR THE RECORD: YES, I still love Corey Hart, and YES I still listen to this song AND sing out loud with it weekly! It’s beautiful, and powerful, and if you’ve never heard it before … LISTEN TO THE WORDS!

TAKE MY HEART

Take me to the top again. Take me to the high road shining – ’cause you know I never seen the world like that! You take me to the top again. You take me where it’s slow and easy – ’cause you know I never dream inside like that. I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know. Won’t you take my heart? Don’t leave me here standin’! Take my heart where only you can. Take my heart – there is no resistance. I can only go as far as you can. Yeah, through the leaves of grass I search – and I follow like a soldier, where the battle rages on. Reveal what’s true. And I call to open skies – and I call to high plains driftin’ through the wintertime the Earth shall feed my soul. Discover borderlands that we have yet to run … and you can search forever never reach the Sun. And I can go on tryin’. And I can go on cryin’. Won’t you take my heart … where only you can? {Corey Hart}

FEBRUARY 6, 2021: “The Frog Prince” …

… that moment she walks in the kitchen and says …

Awwwe, look Mom! It’s Dad standing guard at the little cottage in the woods he made damn good and sure you’re gonna have until you can finally get there!

… and you want to cry, but instead you can only smile, because DAMN she’s the strongest, wisest, most gracious human being you’ve EVER met … and (PS) …

YOU MADE HER!

If only you really knew why it means so much that she still calls him “Dad” … well … then you’d really know why it it means so much that she still calls him “Dad”. I’m sure you must be tired of me saying it, and I’m sorry I’m not sorry that I always do … but … I really am the MOST blessed queen in the history of the world.

FEBRUARY 5, 2021: “Carrion My Wayward Son!” …

~ Courtesy of The American Eagle Foundation ~

If you’re ever really bored, please check out my beloved friend, “George“, the 35 year old turkey vulture who lives in Pigeon Forge, Tennessee, with his amazing care team at the American Eagle Foundation. It’s hard to believe (or, maybe not “with me”), but as enthralled as I am with corvids and raptors, even more so am I with vultures!

“Why Cat? WHY?”

Well, I’ll tell you. They are, perhaps, one of the most undervalued creatures, a plight I know all too well. So often, people either see or hear “vulture” and say, “Eww! So gross! Nasty, dirty, AWFUL, disgusting birds!”

What I love about George is how his “fame” is steadily changing the face of his kind via his super silly antics and personality! To know him is to love him, but the longer you do, the farther removed you become from “nasty, dirty, AWFUL, disgusting birds”, as nothing could be farther from the truth!

Vultures are much maligned. As natural garbage collectors, vultures are vital to our ecosystem, so why do we feel this way? Is it because we perceive them as ugly? [They] are one of very few creatures capable of effortless soaring for hours at a time. Many believe that the sight of soaring vultures is a sure signal that a dead animal can be found nearby, but this is not always true. Vultures are intelligent creatures who love to play. When a vulture discovers a thermal, it is able to hold its wings motionless, and allow the warm air to carry it in large, sweeping circles, toward the sky. You may see a group of them soaring gracefully, just enjoying life.

{Summit Outside … “The Misunderstood Vulture“}

By no means am I professing to be an avian expert; I merely speak to you from my heart and personal perspective. Having taken the time to become educated as George’s fan, I am “committed” to these thoughts about vultures (and yes, that pun was intended) …

THEY CLEAN UP OUR MESSES (so that we don’t have to wallow in them)! Which isn’t to say they only feed on roadkill. They are THE official clean-up crew of death. Still, can you imagine your daily drive with the mountains of carcasses we run over, along with the flies, maggots and odors on top of them? Now that would be, “Eww, GROSS!”

THEY’RE THE GOOD KIND OF MARTYRS! In keeping with the above, vultures are fast becoming an integral part of bacterial disease research. They feed on corpses – we learn from their corpses. Can someone say circle of life? “The birds with the iron stomachs” consume the rotting flesh that can be toxic to so many others. What they consume prevents the spread of diseases that that may otherwise be consuming us!

THEY DON’T ACT LIKE ANIMALS! Vultures are known to be gentle creatures, devoid of unwarranted aggression, avidly social and cooperative amongst their peers. They prefer to work together, not against each other, and are exceptional parents who share the responsibility of raising their brood.

THEY’RE NOBODY’S VICTIM! A vulture’s legs and feet are generally known to be weak, and their lack of a voice box leaves them speechless. Yet, their “disabilities” don’t stop them from accomplishing their life’s work and living at full potential! Their wings and bills are mighty (they can float like feathers, but still shred a dead-animal steak like tissue paper), and though they can’t sing like their fellow feathered compadres, they still manage to thrive with only primitive grunts, screeches and hisses.

THAT BEING SAID …

MY DEAREST GEORGE: Thank you so much my very handsome friend for helping me see life through your eyes. It is my hope that anyone who meets you will find you as wonderous as I do, so the next time they see your kinfolk on the road just doing what they do, instead of saying, “Eww, gross!”, they’ll say, “Thank you God for those beautiful creatures!”, and MAYBE even, “Carrion my wayward son and lay that bald head of yours to rest … WE COULDN’T LIVE WITHOUT YOU!

~ Courtesy of The American Eagle Foundation ~

Are you “remotely interested” in supporting “Team George” and the American Eagle Foundation?

<<<CLICK HERE>>>

FEBRUARY 4, 2021: “In My Mind’s Eye” …

Earlier today, a friend of mine posed this question on his Facebook page …

What’s the best piece of advice you’ve ever received?

Wow! Just WOW!

The answer came to me INSTANTLY!

It was December 1995, and I was just then learning about grace, forgiveness, JESUS, and that I could have a close and personal relationship with Him. I was at the forefront of the almost 20 year process of internally crumbling then coming back together, trying so hard to find a way to hold on because I was just so lost and broken. I’d joined a great Bible study, and one night after attending, a friend of mine who knew I was struggling, but even more so having a really hard time with the concept of “faith” in someone I couldn’t see or touch, gave me one of the most precious gifts I’ve ever received – the DC Talk “Jesus Freak” CD. He asked that I listen to the last track first – “Mind’s Eye”. So, I popped it in my stereo and headed home. Everything about it began cutting me apart, but it wasn’t until I heard these spoken words of Reverend Billy Graham that I lost it in the most bittersweet, irreversible and powerful way:

Can you see God? Have you ever seen Him? I’ve never seen the wind. I’ve seen the EFFECTS of the wind, but I’ve never seen the wind. Can you see the breeze? There’s a mystery to it.

{Reverend Billy Graham}

It literally changed me and the trajectory of my path forever! I believe with every shred of my being that those most impeccable words were meant for me to hear at that fated cosmic timing so that the following 20 years of living through a hell that some couldn’t bare would find me right here standing in the Light of my “Crazy Grandma Cat” blind faith.

As par for the course with my serendipitous life, and in keeping with this post, there are now two ironies flooding my heart with memories. On the night I got the CD, I had just left our fellowship meal at Cafe Express in Addison, Texas. As I’d mentioned, I was listening and LOSING IT, but, I didn’t say where. It was just as I passed the infamous Midway Road intersection where life was really gonna throw me a curve just a couple of years later. There I was, listening to the words that unbeknownst to me were plying me with all the faith and strength I was ever going to need “on down the road”.

But wait, there’s more! See this book? You won’t believe where I got it. It was the first thing I noticed the first time I’d ever gone to Zack’s, sitting on a table next to the giant Chewbacca head he’d worn to a costume party the year before. He loved that flipping thing so much that he’d made it part of the decor. Lol, I’ve digressed again! My point being – when I ever laid eyes on it – of all the things that could have been sitting there next to Chewbacca! I vividly remember my “internal nod” to Heaven. “REALLY God? This is SOMETHING, isn’t it? HE is something, isn’t he?” Little did I know! Despite the ending, the eleven years I was blessed with that beautiful king of mine were not only the stuff that fairy tales are made of, but more so than that, years that shall forever remain “in my mind’s eye”.

MIND’S EYE

In my mind, I can see Your face as Your love pours down in a shower of grace. Some people tell me that You’re just a dream. My faith is the evidence of things unseen. In my mind’s eye, in my mind’s eye, in my mind’s eye. You know what I’m going through. I know this is true, ’cause You stood in my shoes. Desire’s inside of me, but it’s hard to believe in what you cannot see. Can you catch the wind? See a breeze? It’s presence is revealed by the leaves on a tree – an image of my faith in the unseen. It’s in my mind’s eye, I see Your face. You smile as You show me grace. In my mind’s eye, You take my hand. We walk through foreign lands – the foreign lands of life. In my mind’s eye, in my mind’s eye. In my mind’s eye, in my mind. In my mind I’m where I belong as I rest in Your arms. And like a child I hold on to You in my moment of truth – yes I do. We can ride the storm. Endure the pain. You comfort me in my hurricane … and I’ll never be alone again.” {DC Talk}

FEBRUARY 3, 2021: “F8” …

FATE …

As defined by Merrium-Webster:

… the will or principle or determining cause by which things in general are believed to come to be as they are or events to happen as they do …

… and also …

Traditional usage defines fate as a power or agency that predetermines and orders the course of events. Fate defines events as ordered or “inevitable” and unavoidable. This is a concept based on the belief that there is a fixed natural order to the universe, and in some conceptions, the cosmos.

But here’s the deal …

Life isn’t one solid picture, and it doesn’t come wrapped in a bow. So why do we even need to define it? Fate. Destiny. Any of it? Why do we insist that everything show up for us in perfect order? If I’ve learned anything by now, it’s that the only semblance of “order” I can count on is – OH, that’s right – there isn’t one! So, I just let all the pieces show up in their perfect cosmic timing and let them fall in place. The “big picture” you see above is actually a screenshot of my Instagram, where I dropped nine separate pieces of my favorite album of all times. You know, the one with The Brighter Side Of Grey. I asked my followers to back out of the post to see “F8” in the bigger picture.

Sometimes in order to really see something “bigger”, you have to step back and see it “smaller”. Life is but a mosaic of random and senseless things that somehow come together at the end just the way they were supposed to. So, try to stop worrying, always do your best, and let your mosaic reveal itself at it’s own due pace and time. Fate is what is happening as you are being shattered then put back together as a masterpiece of heartache, love and Light.

FEBRUARY 2, 2021: “The Unfortunates” …

Wait! WHAT?

You guessed it — it’s a “feeling kinda spry” day for me! “I love me, who do you love?” Don’t get me wrong … I love ALL of you too. In fact … I LOVE EVERYONE! But, I definitely don’t “like” everyone. Guess what?

THAT’S OKAY!

Indeed it is true, there are some most unfortunate people who pissed this Queen away, who, for no good reason I can see, still linger in my atmosphere like clingons, ever so blissfully unaware that I literally, and not metaphorically, LAUGH OUT LOUD at the thought of them. Comically small and insignificant people with deluded opinions of themselves who seem to have NO cognitive awareness of the collateral damage their selfish, narcissistic, abusive behaviors have caused, much less what and who they really are, which is GROSS!

Actually, and now that I think of it, as I am writing this, I’m hoping and praying that some of you are calling to mind any such “unfortunates” in your atmosphere as well, such that you’re reminded – yet again, or, for the first time that you deserved better than that, so don’t let them do it to you again! Look, I’m all about “forgiveness” – I mean, come on, HAVE YOU MET ME? I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again — I have had to forgive “the devil himself” for crimes that no one would be able to forgive. But ummm, “forgiveness” isn’t “forgetness”, and that old adage is an absolute crock of SHIT! Yup, we’re all human. YUP, we all fuck up, but that doesn’t excuse our behavior. Some of us live, learn and grow from our “fuck ups” … SOME OF US DO NOT … and that, my dear friends, is where our boundaries must come to the rescue! John 15:12-13 says …

My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you. Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one’s life for one’s friends.

BUT SOMETIMES WE HAVE TO LOVE FROM A DISTANCE!

At the end of the day – I am here to say – that having survived textbook, clinical narcissism and having found the voice to scream out loud about it, is, umm, pretty fucking awesome! So, with that, if you’re one of the people reading this now who is no longer worthy of my “energy” – how’s that workin’ out for ya? Here’s my little “Until It’s Gone” serenade “from me – FROM YOU – to me”! Lol!

Oh, but wait … THERE’S MORE! Just to set the record straight, I know, know, KNOW I’m not the only one who feels this way about my past “unfortunates”. It’s just that I’m the only one saying it out loud. It is what it is, it’s one of my truest joys, and OMG being “fifty-ONE-derful” comes with some lovely perks … not the least of which is not giving two shits if this post offends “the unfortunates”. (But I am sorry about all the f’ bombs in my posts. I suppose it’s a grave hypocrisy that I’m quoting scripture AND dropping F’s all at the same time. I know God hates it when I curse, but hopefully He understands. What else can I say?

Hi everyone, it’s me, CAT! Ever the work in progress!

UNTIL IT’S GONE

A fire needs a space to burn. A breath to build a glow. I’ve heard it said a thousand times – but now I know – that you don’t know what you’ve got, oh you don’t know what you’ve got, no you don’t know what you’ve got … until it’s gone. Until it’s gone. UNTIL IT’S GONE! I thought I kept you safe and sound. I thought I made you strong, but something made me realize that I was wrong, ’cause finding what you’ve got sometimes means finding it alone. And I can finally see your light when I let go … ’cause you don’t know what you’ve got … UNTIL IT’S GONE! {Linkin’ Park}

JANUARY 31, 2021: “I’m A Freak Of The World” …

The first time I ever took the Meyers-Brigg Type Indicator was at the request of the most unfortunate counselor I was seeing for a while, “Doctor Steven” (who, although I’m not sure, am fairly certain I must have forced to seek professional counseling of his own after having had to deal with me). Imagine that? Putting a counselor in counseling? Lol, but I’ve digressed.

Congratulations Cat! In true oxymoron fashion, and in keeping with everything else you’ve ever done, said, or been, you’re BOTH an actual AND metaphorical FREAK OF THE WORLD INFJ!

When I got home and began researching “the INFJ of it all”, I got nauseous. I cried, and screamed, and had a semi cataclysmic meltdown. Also? I was PISSED! Where the HELL did he get off telling someone who already thought “everything is wrong with them”, that this too is “wrong with them”. Yah, umm, NO DOC – I think I’ll pass. But thanks so much for chiming in.

So much of what I read seemed so dark and twisted that I just couldn’t handle it. So, I did the only thing I could at that point and let that “label” go in one ear and out my ass (as was the case for many of the SPOT ON things not only Doctor Steven, but so many others, tried to tell me about myself).

The second time I took it was at my lovely visit to The Meadows. Said visit was the good Dr. Steven’s idea, not mine, and perhaps the best “worst thing that ever happened to me”, but again, I’ve digressed. Which then leads me to the third and final time I took it – also during my stay at The Meadows … because … after taking it the second time, I literally FREAKED THE FUCK OUT – again!

What the HELL is wrong with all these people? What the HELL is wrong with this test? Where in the actual HELL did this dumbass doctor send me?” I DON’T WANT TO BE A FREAK OF NATURE! I DON’T WANT TO BE THE “ODD ONE OUT!

So, I asked if I could take it again. Winner, winner, chicken dinner! Third time’s a charm, and yes, I’m an actual weirdo! It took me one HELL of a long time to finally come to terms with all my “labels and diagnoses”, and I fought against every one of them tooth and nail. Meanwhile …

Hi everyone, it’s me, Cat. I’m a Warrior, Motivator, SURVIVOR, AND I’ve overcome one of THE most stigmatic mental illnesses, AND I’m a TESTED AND VERIFIED FREAK! I really AM “kinda like a storm“!

Today, I embrace my rarity by focusing only on the positive characteristics of being an INFP. I’m “highly creative, artistic, idealistic, focused on the future, value close, deep relationships, and enjoy thinking about life”.

Are there some dark and twisted traits with this? YUP! I can be overly sensitive and difficult to get to know, and yup, I sure as hell do have very high expectations, and I’m stubborn, and I hate confrontation. But every one of those weaknesses are also part of my strength. So, let’s just spin it this way:

Hi everyone, it’s me, Cat! While I can indeed be overly sensitive, at least I’m in touch with my feelings and allow myself to have them. I suppose I am rather difficult to get to know, because yes I do have WICKED high expectations, but umm, have you met me? I’m a queen, and not only can queens not be friends with everyone, why would they want to anyway? So, with that, congratu-fucking-lations to anyone who’s had the privilege and honor of knowing me, and even more so to the few who ever will. My uber-selective inner sanctum is one of THE best places to GET to be. At the end of the day, although the light from my halo is loving, warm and endearing, it will burn your fucking eyes out if you’re not strong enough to stand near it. Please ONLY bring your A-game … I’ll settle for NOTHING less … I’ll see right your bullshit AND throw it back in your face, ’cause (PS) not only am I not afraid to be alone, I rather much enjoy it. To know me is to love me, but ONLY if you’re lucky!

Yes, I AM “one of God’s own high powered prototypes”, and I wouldn’t have me any other way. If I have to regret anything from my past (and trust me, I really don’t regret much), it’s that I spent so many years being ashamed of all my “labels” (the good, the bad, AND the ugly). These days? They’re like – my favorite tattoos of all – cryptic, elusive and invisible! YOU can’t see them, but trust me, THEY’RE THERE, the BEST of the BEST people this beautiful life has to offer me will ever get to!

I don’t know if I’ve ever mentioned this before, but when my husband found out about my “INFJ of it all” personality, he always said it made me unique and special.

You’re MY beautiful disaster, honey, and I wouldn’t have you any other way!

He knew I was “this” before we got married, and yet he made me a Williamson anyway! Jean Claude Van DAMN I always knew that guy was a genius. (And yes, he really was, BOTH verifiably AND metaphorically!

FREAK OF THE WORLD

Don’t want the Sun to shine upon my face. And I see your eyes and their glazy haze. Your lips don’t move but I hear what you’re sayin’. I look outside through the razor blades. And I crawl and I scrape and I feel for you, but there’s nothing, there’s nothing that I can do. I’m a freak – I’m the freak of the world. I’m a freak! Freak of the world. Stars are shining oh so bright, but I don’t think everything’s alright. And I can’t wake up ’cause I dream all night. Yeah you’re in my way and I can’t get by. And I beg and I cheat and I steal for you, but there’s nothing, there’s nothing that I can do. I’m a freak – I’m the freak of the world! {Puddle Of Mudd}

JANUARY 27, 2021: “Lost In The Echo” …

… that moment you get the call you’ve been waiting on for years, when the boy whose had your heart unconditionally since the day he drew his first breathe finally found the courage to quietly tap out in NOT so many words by speaking this poignant message through his actions …

NOPE! I don’t think so … this time it’s ME washing my hands of YOU!

He got up and walked away from the one person in this world he trusted the most, yet also abused, tortured and manipulated him the most, when he tried serving up that one last daily pile of BULLSHIT for him to choke on. This day has been SUCH a long time coming. Now, let’s just hope that it sticks. I have never prayed so much or so hard on my hands and actual knees as I have this afternoon.

Please God, PLEASE! Give him the strength to finally fly “from the inside” as far away from this God-forsaken “cycle” as possible – JUST LIKE I DID – and burn the fucking Venom suit that’s been literally suffocating the life out of him once and for all.”

LOST IN THE ECHO

You were that foundation – never gonna be another one, no. I followed, so taken. So conditioned I could never let go. Then sorrow, then sickness. Then the shock when you flipped it on me. So hollow, so vicious. So afraid I couldn’t let myself see that I could never be held. Back up, no, I’ll hold myself. Check the rep, yep you know my rail. Forget the rest, let them know my hell. Damn, I’m back yep, my soul ain’t sell. Kept respect up the vets stay their. Let the rest be to tell they tale that I was there saying … “and these promises broken deep below. Each word gets lost in the echo. So one last lie I can see through. This time I finally let you go, go, go”. Test my will, test my heart. Let me tell you how the odds gonna stack up. Y’all I go hard, I go smart. How’s it working out for y’all in the back, huh? I’ve seen that frustration. Been crossed and lost and told no. And I’ve come back unshaken. Let down and lived and let go. So you can let it be known – I don’t hold back, I hold my own. I can’t be mapped. I can’t be cloned. I can’t C-flat – it ain’t my tone. I can’t fall back, I came too far. Hold myself up and love my scars. Let the bells ring wherever they are, ’cause I was there saying …”and these promises broken deep below. Each word gets lost in the echo. So one last lie I can see through. This time I finally let you go, go, go.” No, you can tell ’em all now – I don’t back up. I don’t back down. I don’t fold up, and I don’t bow. I don’t roll over – don’t know how. I don’t care where the enemies are. Can’t be stopped, all I know go hard! Won’t forget how I got this far. For every time, saying … “and these promises broken deep below. Each word gets lost in the echo”. {Linkin’ Park}

JANUARY 25, 2021: “My Mona Lisa’s Making Me Smile” …

Be the kind of person who isn’t afraid to ask someone if they are okay twice if they say they are, but look like they aren’t. The kind of person who smiles at people even if they don’t smile back. The kind of person you wished for when no one was there for you. Be the kind of person who is brave enough to stand alone in a crowd for what is right. Be that person because we need more people like that in the world. Be that person because people like that are rarer than the rarest diamonds and gold.

Nikita Gill

This memory popped up on my Facebook today, and truth be told, it is one of my very favorite pictures of her thus far. As quoted by Nikita Gill above, yes she is “that kind of person”. To know her is to adore her, but here’s the deal folks – not many people GET to “really” know her, nor do I suspect they ever will. She is her mother’s daughter in this regard, and although it may seem that I’m putting everything about myself into the Cosmos via this Diary and other forums, the truth is that likewise will anyone ever really “know me”. Both me and my kids have had to learn the very hard way that where life, love, friendships and even “family” are concerned, it truly is “quality over quantity”. LOOK CLOSELY AT THIS PICTURE! You can actually see the little fighter behind her eyes. If only you really knew the trauma and heartache this kid has been through, yet has somehow managed to rise above with power, grace and courage, you probably wouldn’t believe it.

Just as every other beautiful thing in my life, our relationship is a bit of an oxymoron. In so many regards, we are 100% polar opposites, while at the same time she’s my doppelgänger. The bottom line is, she’s one of my only heroes and very few “real friends” (although YES, I am her mom first and foremost – until she’s an adult that is).

I am here to tell you all that I would in fact be dead right now if it wasn’t for this beautiful girl. All it took was one moment in time with her at a Jason’s Deli when she was just over 18 months old. I saw her “mimicking me” as I was pushing food around my plate, but not really eating it, because I was literally starving myself” to DEATH. That was the day that everything I’d ever known to be “real” in my fairy tale world came to a screeching halt as my heart broke in the most incredulous way once and for all and forced me to finally start fighting my way out of the dark and into this Light. It was HER who held the most frightening mirror up to my face of all – ME. She is one of my muses and “whys.

In case you haven’t noticed by now, with music being such an integral part of my mental wealth, there is an individual song for just about every “chapter” in this Diary. However, there are certain songs that have been so incredibly important to me that they’ve showed up more than once. “Miracle” is one of them. This song says everything that I feel about her in such a powerful way … just as it did my fallen king. The two of them were so much alike and shared so many of the same demons that it really isn’t any wonder that this one is applicable to them both. How lucky am I to have had as many “miracles” as I’ve had in my treasure trove of earthly gifts? I am a woman who is blessed beyond words, and truth being told, someday when I grow up I hope to be JUST like her!

MIRACLE

Say it once. Tell me twice. Are you certain I’m alright? Just a sign to remind me tomorrow’s worth the fight. Ever changing – the story line that keeps me alive. So make a wish and say: Give me life. Give me love. Star lit angel from above. Not so low. Not so high. Keep it perfectly disguised. Ever changing – the story line that keeps me alive. My Mona Lisa’s making me smile right before my eyes. Take another look. Take a look around. Its you and me, it’s here and now. As you sparkle in the sky I’ll catch you while I can ’cause all we are is all I am. I just want you to see what I’ve always believed … You are the miracle in me. Show me faith like you do. I’m amazed at how you move. Side to side, front to back – you know how to make it last. Ever changing – the story line that keeps us alive. My Mona Lisa’s making me smile. {Shinedown}

JANUARY 24, 2021: “The GHOST Of Williamson Manor” …

… ’cause doesn’t EVERYONE talk to ghosts in their bathroom?

So, here’s the deal folks. The TV volume goes up and down while the remote is on the table. We walk through certain spaces and feel a cold breeze blow through us, then get the chills. Next thing you know, the dog is doing a little happy dance and sniffing around at “something” he can see but we can’t … JUST LIKE HE USED TO WHEN DADDY CAME HOME! Then, on the night of Gia’s homecoming last October, while she sitting at the vanity in my bathroom getting all glammed up for her big night out, I spoke these words out loud:

What do you think Dad? Doesn’t our daughter look GORGEOUS!

The lights started going CRAZY! So, she started asking a series of random yet VERY specific questions.

Is that you, Dad? Blink once for yes – twice for no.

“The ghost” answered every time, right on cue. (Keep in mind that the first time this “light thing” ever happened, I had just finished getting dolled up for a girls night out and as I was looking in the mirror I said:

Well, honey, I’m heading out for the night! How do I look?

… at which point the lights flickered THREE times — I – LOVE – YOU! It was a thing with us. Sounds crazy, right? Maybe it is. It doesn’t really matter to either me or Gia what anyone else thinks at this point. The hardcore fact is that whatever this “thing” is that’s happening in our home – IT’S NOT OUR IMAGINATION! At first we tried reasoning it down to some sort of electrical problem, but then an electrician came out and could find NO logical mechanical reason why the circuit that runs to those lights keeps blowing. At the end of the day, it just is what it is, and we don’t hate it.

WHAT DO YOU THINK?

GHOST

Thought it was dead and buried, then it woke you up last night. Sought it so damn worried – you’ve been tossin’ turnin’, both ends burnin’. I want to put your mind at ease again. Make everything alright. I know it’s getting underneath your skin. I try to tell you now – don’t look over your shoulder, ’cause that’s just the ghost of me you’re seeing in your dreams. Wait. There’s no rhyme or reason. Sometimes there’s no meaning in the visions when you’re sleeping. Don’t wake up and believe that you’re looking at the ghost of me. Your imagination and emotion’s running wild. Fueling my frustration, like a fire burning. Clock is turning. I know it’s getting underneath your skin. I try to tell you now. Don’t look over your shoulder, ’cause that’s just the ghost of me you’re seeing in your dreams … {Daughtry}

JANUARY 24, 2021: “The Freaks Of The World” …

HERE’S THE CALL OUT TO ALL MY FELLOW LIONS!

May the force of your OWN strong and determined heart continue to be with you always! It’s really, really hard standing alone in the crowd. Oh – wait – NO IT’S NOT! One of my absolute “crowning” achievements in this lifetime is in knowing that I’m different … AND EMBRACING IT!

Now then …

Go on and get back up on that mountain you belong on, ALL ALONE IF YOU MUST, your mane just-a-blowin’ in the wind, claws ever-sharpened and OUT … ready to swat all those annoying little sheep away. Look down at your kingdom, breathe it in then breathe it out, and laugh to yourself quietly as all the flies land on your SHIT!

Roar.

LIONS

Today we live. Today we breathe. Today we know that we are strong when we are weak. Today we trust. We overcome. Take every chain that kept us slaves and throw em’ off. We’re not waiting for permission. We defy our inhibition like our middle name is “fearless”. Unafraid. If we’re gonna fly, we fly like eagles – arms out wide! If we’re gonna fear, we fear no evil. We will rise by Your power we will go. By Your spirit we are bold! If we’re gonna stand, we stand as giants. If we’re gonna walk, we walk as lions. WE WALK AS LIONS! Today is ours, it’s always been. Before we face the fight, we know Who’s gonna win! We live by faith and not by sight. We don’t want safe and quiet. We don’t wanna run and hide. This is not an intermission. It’s our time, not gonna miss it. You’ve already called us fearless. Unafraid. Everywhere we go, the battle has been won. We know You’ve gone before us. So, we’re taking hold of faith with every step we take. We know we’ll rise victorious! {Skillet}

JANUARY 21, 2021: “You Can Lead A Fly To Honey” …

BEAR WITH ME …

… ’cause this is gonna be a long one! Some days I wake up at a complete loss for words, but then the Cosmos wraps me in the most exquisite cloak and shows me exactly what needs to be said. Like this morning, while having my coffee and scrolling social media, when a friend posted this:

Men, this really is what women want. Even if you cannot provide all of the finances that he speaks about. Thank you Earnest Fenton

“HOW I DATED, PLANNED AND MARRIED MY WIFE”

{Paraphrased Words Of “Earnest Fenton” }

DATED (0-11 MONTHS): I showed up at her job with lunch; I dropped her off at work when it was snowing; I cleared my space early on and gave her my undivided attention; I found out what interested her …

ENGAGEMENT (1 YEAR): I paid off all of her personal debt (before we were married). I didn’t want money to be of concern to her; I told her how much money I had; I told her how much money I make; I created a trust for both of us; I put some “carats” on her finger that represents what she represents to me …

MARRIAGE (1.5 YEARS LATER): I setup a multiple six figure life insurance policies (if something untimely happens to me, money WILL NOT be her issue); I took her to several countries – because: If she is “my world”, I should show her “the world”! I work our plan daily -t o retire her 5-10 years EARLY! I make certain her car is serviced, cleaned and gassed up; When she joins a challenge, I often join w her (if she is getting more fit, WE getting more fit); I empty garbage, scratch her back; rub her feet and run bath water, if needed; I do not cook, but I told her, “You will always eat with me”; I work hard every day and walk through the door like nothing happened; When my wife calls, I ANSWER; We have housecleaning (she can phone whenever she pleases) and a cook for every holiday (because my wife works and I don’t want her tired); She never has to guess where I am – I’m consistent and transparent; I keep a petty cash drawer stocked so she’ll always have cash available; If my wife looks like she’s uncomfortable with you, you are gone (I gotta get rid of ya! Lol, but not)).

MY PHILOSPHY AND MORAL …

A man will never reach his fullest potential without the presence of a GOOD WOMAN! To short her is to short self! To deny her is to deny self! WE DO NOT PLAY SMALL, WE ARE ALL IN!

♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️

I have no idea who “Ernest” is, but as I was his reading words I got literal butterflies and the biggest smile. HE WAS WRITING THE STORY OF US, “The Frog & The Butterfly“. “This man” was my Zachariah. There wasn’t a thing on his list my husband didn’t do, become, or make happen for me, and that, my friends, is the truth! But then something else happened. Listen to just a few of these what in the actual FUCK comments on her post …

A lot of this makes me uncomfortable. He is too focused on money. Sounds like he was hovering and controlling. Maybe in real life it is all good, but reading this sounds like he was trying to buy her feelings.

Not sure this sounds like an equal partnership. Sounds like a control freak to me.

Very sad. That’s not love, that’s predominantly a business arrangement.

I have to agree with you… it looks like everything is HIS responsibility… and what about her? What’s her responsibility on the relationship?

REALLY?

So, let me break this down for you by speaking in “Five Agreements”:

If you’ve learned anything about Zack in this Diary, it’s that ZERO was his focus on money and ZERO did he attempt to buy my feelings. His focus was on being the best man he could be from the literally the minute he said I love you way back at the beginning of this story when he was just a broke frog with big dreams! His focus was me and my daughter, who for the record, he took FULL responsibility for from day one of bringing us home to that tiny apartment of his the morning after we got hitched in a theatre room with only two silver wedding bands and no “carats”. Yet, in the eleven short but powerful years of our season, he managed to check off EVERY single item on that list, such that even in his “untimely death” the only jobs I will ever have to do are continue healing, take care of our daughter, and savor every day to the fullest. THAT is what he wanted, and THAT is what he shall have. You see, my husband died a king, broken though he was, and make no mistake, regardless his accomplishments and what he left behind, HE WAS A KING RIGHT FROM THE START! Especially that night he carried my broken body, mind and heart over the threshold of his humble home. There was no guarantee for all the promises he made, but he ALWAYS DID HIS BEST, because …

he unconditionally loved me, as did I him, and that’s how we became a king and queen. He was not a control freak, an we were never a “business arrangement”! Lol, the only “dowry” he got from my family (who all but forbade me to marry him because he was so BROKE) was $32k in debt, an “unemployable” wife who’d just had a nervous breakdown and her kids. I must admit, though, that our partnership was anything but “equal”. WE SERVED EACH OTHER! My needs came before his, his needs came before mine, and thus the exchange of power. We shared the yoke of our marriage equally, but in vastly different ways. He did his work, I did mine. WE BUILT THIS KINGDOM TOGETHER, and even despite the way he left, he was and will remain a king in his own right, and I the queen who reigns proudly in his honor.

With all that now being said so “impeccably” with my words, I can’t take any of those less than impeccable words so personally. What harsh, unmerited, and assumptive judgments of how another king has chosen to cherish his queen. I say “almost” because I am still living this very dream as a true and loving testament to the reality of his words. But you see, a fool can’t know what what they don’t know if they’ve never actually walked in these shoes.

They don’t know that all Zack ever wanted was to give us everything, not just “things”. They don’t know how thankful he was to finally have a home, no matter how big or small, because he knew too well what it was like not to have one, but even more so how it felt to be unvalued, disregarded and left behind. He knew how it felt to lack a single person’s unwavering blind faith in him or belief that he wasn’t the “Zack of shit” they always said he was in the life he lived before us.

All of which leads me to this last but not least “Fifth Agreement”. Of course they’re skeptical, and of course they doubt. So much of what we hear is untrue. But these people don’t know my truth, and perhaps they never will. They don’t understand that the legacy of a great monarch is not all the treasure left behind in the trove, but “the crown and scepter they wielded in their soul” that lives on to light the paths of their kingdom infinitely. So, instead of letting the nasty comments of truly ignorant people belittle and invalidate the integrity and intention of one of the best men, husbands and fathers this world has ever known, instead I’ll just pray that someday they too will “know what I know”, because its honestly quite sad that they don’t. God doesn’t make anything but kings and queens to rule in this realm He created, so we should love others, and especially our spouses, just as He loves us – ALL IN!

Still, what are the chances that everyone will know the treasure of a spouse that loves like this? You can lead a fly to honey, but no matter how much a bee tries to tell the fly how sweet it is, most flies have only either seen, tasted or landed on death or piles of shit. Shit is what they like because shit is all they’ve known – SO SHIT INDEED IT IS! Been there. Done that! It took me almost 40 years to understand how love is supposed to “bee”, that indeed is truly exists, and that unless and until you’ve finally tasted honey – SO SHIT IS WHAT YOU SURVIVE ON! Damn! How did this go from kings and queens to bees, flies and SHIT? Lol. Welcome to the mind of a genius! Love me or hate me, it is what it is. If you don’t like what I have to say, not only do I not really care, it’s none of my business anyway. So, thaaanks! Gotta run now … MY KINGDOM OF HONEY IS CALLING!

JANUARY 18, 2021: “Happy” …

… when you see this little dealio floating around on everyone’s social media and this is the first picture that comes to your mind …

Yes indeed, I really was “happy and content” every single moment of 2020. Happiness isn’t a state of mind, by the way, IT’S A CHOICE! Does that mean I never experience sadness, anger, or frustration? HELL NO! Of course I do! Just because I’m a Light in the frigging dark doesn’t mean I’m not human. But even at my saddest, maddest, or most “bent out of shapest”, I’m still always happy. Sounds twisted, right? Well, it doesn’t mean it isn’t true!

I choose JOY!

I choose RIDICULOUS!

I choose SILLY!

I choose OPTIMISM!

I. CHOOSE. HAPPY!

JANUARY 17, 2021: “Dear God” …

DEAR GOD, IN ACTUAL HEAVEN:

I just wanted to take a minute to say thank you. Like, as in, from the deepest places of my infinitely grateful heart … THANK YOU! Thank you for all these beautiful memories tucked safely in the most sacred places off my mind, the overwhelming magnitude of which eclipse even the darkest hours I’ve walked through here on Earth.

For instance, THANK YOU for this epic rant from two years ago this day that has now become one of my go-to picker uppers on those rare occasions that I’m feeling down. It makes me smile, AND remember, that I really WAS married to a KING and I truly AM the luckiest woman on this Earth. To know him was to love him, and yes I still do, and I always will, until I see him again with YOU!

So, THANK YOU GOD! THANK YOU FOR HIM, and that he was OURS, and only ever ours, and for the bittersweet consolation in knowing that the foolish “family” that threw him away missed out on knowing one of THE brightest souls in any room and one of THE best men, husbands and fathers this world has ever known. Her “Zack of shit” was one of our truest treasures, and yes I take extremely twisted pleasure in knowing full well that despite the lies they must surely tell themselves as they look inside their empty mirrors, only WE got the privilege and honor of truly knowing the wonder of everything that was “him”.

Likewise, THANK YOU for this equally epic memory from three years ago this day. You know, the one where I found that ever-loving blanket I snuck onto her bed folded neatly on my desk with this ‘lil nugget of sarcastic wit that could only be served by one of my favorite phoenixes of all …

Yes indeed, I’m a truly blessed queen that I should have this abundance of treasure to propel me forward, never backward, and keep this torch I carry into Your eternity burning as bright as bright can be! I love my life. Every single minute of it – the good, the bad, and even the very ugly.

THANK YOU.

With as much love and adoration as could possibly be put into words from one of your favorite brats of all …

ME.

JANUARY 15, 2021: “The Only One In Color” …

The first time Williamson and I ever heard this song together was on a road trip to Hot Springs, Arkansas, and although I myself had heard it before, it wasn’t until hearing it with him that it really took root in my heart. I’ll never forget it! We were driving down I-30 on a beautiful, crisp, bright blue day. We had the Sun roof open, the radio playing, and the view out the front window was ethereal. We were at one of those junctures that found us both just peace-filled, quiet, and immersed in the moment. We didn’t have much to say, and didn’t need to say much, because our truly connected souls said everything without any words. So, when this song cued up and the lyrics began to avail … he quickly grabbed my hand and squeezed it so tight. He looked at me. I looked at him. IT WAS THE PERFECT TRIBUTE TO THE WAY WE FELT ABOUT ONE ANOTHER. We ended up playing it over and over on that trip, and in the decade that followed it became one of our favorite songs. He had always said that we were the only “color” his lonely heart had ever known, and sadly, that was true.

“… in a world of black an white, you are the only one in color”.

What I love most about this song is how poignantly it now speaks to the abundant growth and life I achieved in the years I was lucky enough to be in his halo. Not only was I able to slay the demons living inside the haunted place that was once my broken mind and become an actual living queen, I was also able to find my missing reflection in a mirror and see the formerly “black and white me” in so many beautiful colors.

If you are reading this and struggling to find the color in your life, I want to encourage you to please get out of your own heavy heart and haunted head immediately. Find the closest mirror, take a good, hard look inside, and find the broken kid hiding behind it who needs to YOU to pull them out of the dark and into the Light. You weren’t created to be colorless – YOU WERE CREATED TO BE A MASTERPIECE! The last time I checked, God doesn’t make mistakes, so you have to give yourself permission to walk away from people or situations that have made you feel invisible – UP TO AND INCLUDING YOURSELF – so you can stand in front of a mirror and say …

OMG – I FUCKING LOVE YOU!

… at which point you slip a crown or tiara on your head and head out into the world like the priceless piece work of art you truly are! Now then … WHAT DO YOU THINK COMES NEXT HERE? That’s right folks, I’m gonna need you to listen to this song AND SING IT OUT LOUD TO YOURSELF! Perhaps one of the best wisdoms I’ve learned on my journey thus far is that “love songs” aren’t just for lovers. YOU should be the “only one in color” greatest love story of your life!

ONLY ONE IN COLOR

I’ve been searching all my life. I used to be so color blind. You opened up my eyes. Do you wanna share your dreams? See a different side of me? You’re everything I need. I like it when you think out loud – the things you say when you know there is no one else around. Well I can dig my own graves now, but will you smile every time I try to crawl my way out? There is no one like you! I live in a world of black and white and you are the only one in color. There is no one like you. Into a mystery I slide – I want you to keep it all uncovered. You are the only one in color! You know how to set that mood. You can light up any room just by the way you move. The only one who understands. What I’ve given you you’ve given back. Come on and take my hand. You turned an old world upside down. A wave of calm when I was so tightly wound and so full of doubt. I’ll never tell you that two’s a crowd. I know I can’t get through without ever needing you around. {Trapt}

JANUARY 12, 2021: “Unconditionally” …

How many women can say they’ve had “this kind of love”, not once, but TWICE? I can say it, BECAUSE IT’S TRUE! Two KINGS on this Earth have loved me. Not one, but TWO! Unconditionally, under even the worst conditions, with every ugly scar, scab, wound and ghost. Yet, as blessed as I’ve been in now being able to say that, here’s the hardcore, sobering truth …

DEATH HAPPENS.

Let’s just face it people – IT DOES! But as I’ve said before, it really isnothing at all“. No one, and I mean NO ONE, gets out of here alive. Even so, something truly magnificent happens when you find a way to not only make peace with it, but more so than that, to bask in the light of all that it was and everything it brought you and find the strength to let it go gracefully when it’s not meant to stay forever. The memories. The laughter. The joy. Everything that comes after you leave out all the rest is the beauty that rises in the aftermath of “death” and it’s all that really matters.

Now that I think about it, how many PEOPLE can say they’ve had “this kind of love” from anyone, up to and including their own family? The ability to love without condition isn’t a given and doesn’t come naturally. Well, WAIT! Let me reframe that, as I do firmly believe that we were created to “love unconditionally” – BUT – that from the moment we draw our very first breath, our circumstances and environment are what take us by the hand and the lead us on our love journey. While the most fortunate of us who were raised in optimal conditions do tend to fare better in their propensity to love and be loved without boundaries, unfortunately, others of us who are born into unfavorable environments laden with generationally toxic relationship tools are doomed right from the womb. Not being able to love or be loved unconditionally is the gift that just keeps on giving.

At the end of the day …

if you’ve never had “this kind of love” even ONCE in your life, it is my greatest wish that before your journey is over you do!

But REMEMBER …

START WITH YOU!

If you can’t love yourself unconditionally, you’ll never be able to recognize or receive it from anyone else. This beautiful song obviously speaks VOLUMES to my point – BUT – when you listen to it, SING IT OUT LOUD TO YOURSELF! I know – it sounds ridiculous, right? I’M TELLING YOU … it wasn’t until I was able to rise up and love ME the way I wanted to be loved that “this kind of love” finally found me!

JUST TRY IT AND SEE WHAT HAPPENS!

UNCONDITIONALLY

Oh, no, did I get too close? Oh, did I almost see what’s really on the inside? All your insecurities. All the dirty laundry. Never made me blink one time. Unconditional. Unconditionally. I will love you unconditionally. There is no fear now … let go and just be free. I will love you unconditionally. Come just as you are to me. Don’t need apologies. Know that you are worthy. I’ll take your bad days with your good. Walk through the storm, I would. I do it all because I love you. I love you. Unconditional. Unconditionally. I will love you unconditionally. There is no fear now … let go and just be free. I will love you unconditionally. So open up your heart and just let it begin. Acceptance is the key to be … truly free. Will you do the same for me? {Katy Perry}