OCTOBER 3, 2021: “I Cannot Say Enough!” …

Dear God:

Hi, it’s me again! Just a quick note on this beautiful October morning to say …

Thank you.

For everything.

No, but seriously …

FOR EVERYTHING!

I’m not quite sure why You felt that I deserved to have so much, but, You did, and, I do, and I cannot say enough what a thankful queen I truly am.

I LOVE YOU.

~ “Your Favorite Daughter”

(PS) Damn You’re a talented artist! These two? MAGNIFIQUE! They really are my “power and grace”. Okay, I’m done now!

OCTOBER 3, 2021: “A Very Special Message” …

So, I have a very special message for all of you from both the dearly departed and very much loved Chester Bennington, who, too, shared the same fate as my husband – AND – from God Himself. It’s pretty easy to decipher – so – here it goes …

When you feel you’re alone – cut off from this cruel world – your instincts telling you to run. Listen to your heart. Those angel voices. They’ll see you to you – they’ll be your guide back home. When life leaves us blind – LOVE KEEPS US KIND. It keeps us kind. When you suffered it all, and your spirit is breaking. You’re growing desperate from the fight – REMEMBER YOUR LOVED – and you always will be. This melody will always bring you right back home. When life leaves us blind – LOVE KEEPS US KIND. It keeps us kind.

{Chester Bennington … Linkin’ Park}

And now a message from ME. It’s also pretty easy to decipher – so – here it goes:

Chin Up!

Knuckles Out!

Don’t let all the darkness in this world snuff out your beautiful light and make you lose faith in the power of kindness and love.

OCTOBER 1, 2021: “I’ve Got His Six!” …

… because sometimes you do have to die inside a little in order to be reborn into the strongest, wisest, most authentic version of yourself so you can leave this world a little better than you found it. For the record, and for those of you who care to know, this guy really did die once upon a time, only to be reborn into the living phoenix he truly is. Soul of my soul is what Ivan Moody is to me, and I’ll forever be grateful for all the ways both his music and his “phoenix” changed my life for the better.

Hi everyone, it’s me, Cat! I’m Fifty-TWO-Good-To-Be-True, a divine apostrophe, a giant mystery, and myself a living phoenix. Good GRIEF, how in actual Heaven will any of you people ever be able to make a single bit of sense out of me? Not gonna lie, seeing this gift I had made for one of my favorite ghosts of all resting on that spot behind him literally made my day. I’ve kinda got Ivan’s six. I’VE TOTALLY GOT HIS SIX!

Phoenixes don’t fall – WE RISE – and we always stick together, even when we’re flying solo!

OCTOBER 1, 2021: “Hoovery McHooverson” …

228. The exact number of days since the last time Hoovery McHooverson, a/k/a the actual devil incarnate, reached out to but never heard back from me in yet another failed attempt to feed his little man ego. All I can do is laugh:

“Hey you! I was just thumbing through my text stream and realized that my text to you this morning was green, and I’m like “did you block me” and then I went straight to your voicemail when calling, so … did you block me before or after I sent you that text? And hey, I would REALLY value a conversation. Umm, I’m kind of at a loss. I got your texts, and I know your grappling with some things, but I’d really enjoy and value the opportunity to visit with you, so, please call me. I hope you’re well. Thinking about you. Bye bye.”

You were just “thumbing through your text stream”, huh? No, little man McHoovy Hoove, you were checking your old supply! We all know that little narcissist boys just don’t like being bored or alone, and I Jean Claude Van DAMN bet that you’d REALLY “value” a conversation. What’s the matter McHoovy? Are ya feeling unadored? Well now, ain’t that a kick in the go take a dirt nap ya purely evil munchkin bastard!

ZERO amounts of manipulation or charming ever again shall there be, and ZERO are the chances that I’ll be rooked back into your snake pit. Wow! I guess I really do win, ’cause you very much McLOSE! Now go on and slither back to that empty chasm you call yourself and kinda McHoovy GO FUCK YOURSELF! And now, in closing, I once again say this …

Unaffected. Unimpressed. Laughing my ass off yet again. This little man just doesn’t get it! With that, if you know this Diary at all, you know there’s a song for almost every chapter. Nope. Not this time. Music is my therapy. My happy place. MY EVERYTHING! All that remains for “this thing” that was once in my life are these five final words: STARVE LITTLE NARCISSIST! STARVE!

{“Starving A Narcissist“}

SEPTEMBER 29, 2021: “I Know” …

Today is one of those days when my own words wouldn’t do a bit of justice to the message I’m urgently trying to convey. Except, that is, to say that the best day of my life so far really was that day I finally understood that there are some things I will never need to understand and even more things I don’t care to “know”. Once I stopped trying to figure all this stuff out and trying to outthink all the things I cannot possibly ever fathom, I became as deaf, dumb, and blind as a bat, but as wise as the wisest sage. “All I know” is “what I know“. The rest of the details I’m just leaving up to Him.

Where do I begin with what to say? I’ve played this conversation in my head so many times. I’m certainly not claiming to know everything, but what I do will save your life. I know, I know that God is able. I know, I know that He still reigns. I know, I know that Love has found a way. No matter what it is you’re going through – even if you think you’re far beyond where hope can see. I know there is a hand that’s reaching out for you – because He did the same for me. I know, I know that God is able. I know, I know that He still reigns. I know, I know that Love has found a way. It wasn’t that long ago when my own world fell apart, and everything inside of me said to let go … I found myself crying out to the One who knows my heart … and holding tight to the few things that I know. I know …

{“I Know” ~ Mercy Me}

SEPTEMBER 26, 2021: “Heavy” …

… that moment he sends you yet another one of his cryptic music messages the day after suffering yet another “heavy” loss, and you’re only response after finally listening to the “heavy” song he sent you is this:

I just finally listened to this song. I’d never heard it before, believe it or not. I wanted to wait until I was in a calmer headspace from everything that happened this weekend. Now I’m crying.

Son, I know you don’t like your mind right now, but remember that all these “problems” are stacking up for something bigger than either of us will ever understand. They seem “unnecessary”, but believe it or not, they are very much “necessary”. I wish I could slow things down too sometimes, but we CAN’T let go. Chester said it best – “there’s comfort in the panic”. I know it’s fucking shitty when things don’t go the way we plan, but you will NEVER understand “the Light” until you’ve made peace with the panic in the dark.

I used to drive my OWN self crazy. Have you met me? I’M YOUR MOTHER! Nothing that you, me, or your sister have had to rise above WAS ever “about us”. Then again, it was. It’s an oxymoron, and it’s so fucking complicated, but then again, not so much. You’ll escape the gravity, just like I have, when you finally learn to stop overthinking the things that aren’t meant to be understood. Everything we go through is meant to change us. We can’t change this shitty ass world, Christian. We can only change ourselves. That’s when we become pebbles in our own little ocean of change.

All I ask of you is to do the best that you can, “just for today”, cut yourself some breaks, and stop giving yourself hell for no reason. You are MY son, no one else’s, and you are better than that monster that lives inside your head. Tell him to go fuck off. That’s what I did. I told that biotch dragon in my brain to go suck on a tailpipe. May she rest in peace. I love you kiddo.

… and just like that, I can’t help but feel that he is getting so close to bringing himself full circle that I hardly fucking stand it. He really is his mother’s son, and if anyone can rise above the mess we all kinda made for him, it’s him. He knows. HE KNOWS! He knows he’s carrying to much of everything on his shoulders. The guilt. The shame. The remorse. THE PAST! I will not rest until I see both of my kids made whole! This weight of this world is way too fucking heavy for anyone to have to carry on their shoulders, now he just needs to KNOW how to let it go.

Dear God:

Hi there, it’s me again, your favorite daughter EVER! I’m asking you please. JUST PLEASE! Please help him set down the piles of SHIT that are weighing him down, so he can start letting go of all the things that are out of his control and holding on to all the things that are. He’s right there on the cusp of every amazing thing You had planned for him in the first place. Please, I’m begging you. PLEASE.

Don’t you remember that day in the hospital? It was 29 years ago this December. That was the day I was struggling between the two names we’d picked out for him: “Wolfgang” or “Christian?” I went with “Christian”, even though at the time You and I weren’t quite on the same page. I mean, I knew that You were real, but I had NO idea who You really were, how much You truly loved me, or that You were already not only a part of my daily existence, but had long been working on my long-term survival plan.

Not a single day has passed since that day that I fell in love with You that I haven’t fully believed that someday he would grow into his beautiful name, and especially over these years of watching him struggle and toil. Of course, You already know that “he’s his mother’s son”, and I suppose that’s the reason You gave him to me and no other mother. Can’t it please just be time now? I love you, and I trust You, but I’m just getting so tired of watching him wander alone inside his own head the way that I used to do. Isn’t time for him to come home, “to himself”, and start living his life as an apostrophe? I don’t mean to sound like a whiner, but could probably do without having to lose another man I love to the darkness inside his own mind. Just sayin’.

HEAVY

I don’t like my mind right now – stacking up problems that are so unnecessary. Wish that I could slow things down – I wanna let go, but there’s comfort in the panic. And I drive myself crazy thinking everything’s about me. Yeah, I drive myself crazy, ’cause I can’t escape the gravity. I’m holding on. Why is everything so heavy? I’m holding on to so much more than I can carry. I keep dragging around what’s bringing me down. If I just let go, I’d be set free. Holding on … Why is everything so heavy? You say that I’m paranoid, but I’m pretty sure the world is out to get me. It’s not like I make the choice to let my mind stay so fucking messy. I know I’m not the center of the Universe, but you keep spinning ’round me just the same. I’m holding on … Why is everything so heavy? If I just let go, I’d be set free. {Linkin’ Park}

SEPTEMBER 26, 2021: “We’re Not Gonna Take It!” …

Just a friendly reminder …

… that there’s only so much being taken for granted that people will take. Sooner or later, even the weakest objects of someone’s disregard will bolt, and let me tell you WHY …

We’re living in a time when more and more people are getting themselves into therapy. Mental health conversations are coming out of the darkness and finding their way to the light, and “mental wealth” is fast becoming the NEW BLACK! Thank you JESUS for that!

Meanwhile, the inhumane treatment of others by toxic wasteland excuses of “people” are not being tolerated or swept under the rugs of oblivion and non-confrontation any longer. “Boundaries” are the flavor of the day, people are sick to DEATH of being shit on, and assholes are being bitch-slapped by the slamming doors of KARMA left and right.

Bottom line here? Be careful who you take for granted! You just never know who’s got a really great therapist and a “mental wealth support team” on speed dial full time making damn good and sure they know they’re self-worth and value. “Forgive them, but FORGET THEM!” It’s the best medicine EVER, and more people are taking it than you know!

AND REMEMBER …

While you’re out there doing you’re very best to show up for all the others, don’t forget to show up for YOU! Be patient, be kind, be gracious, and forgiving, but DON’T be so stupid that you let anything and anyone slide. Erect strong boundaries and protect them at all cost, even if it means walking away! The one you should be most loyal to is YOU!

DELETE, REMOVE, ERASE, UNFOLLOW, UNFRIEND, DISCONNECT AND BLOCK anything and anyone who drains your peace or happiness. Not just on social media, IN REAL LIFE TOO! Life is too short to spend your time or energy on people who don’t see your value or who treat you like a revolving door.

SEPTEMBER 23, 2021: “The First Of You” …

Hi everyone! It’s me. JUST ME! Nope, I’m not perfect, but Jean Claude Van DAMN I’m still me! I screw stuff up ALL the damn time, but I’m still me. I’ve said good things, bad things, right things, wrong things, and really, really, REALLY stupid things, but at the end of the day, guess who said ’em? ME! I’d be lying if I said I’m proud of every single thing I’ve ever done, because nope – I’M AM NOT – but hey, it’s still ME that ever did ’em. There’s my dark side, and my light side, and my ridiculously, ridiculous “out there” side, but all those sides are, ME! I’m a work in progress every minute of every day, and the end result of all of that work will still, just, be, ME!

But guess what the really cool part about “being me” is? I’m the FIRST of me, not the second, not the last – I’M THE FIRST! I’m not a carbon copy, I cannot be reproduced, besides who in the hell would want to, but yes, I’M THE FIRST OF ME! No one else can do that. No one else can be that. I find that to be spectacular!

I hear a voice inside. It’s grown into a scream. I’m not the next of them. I am the first of me. ‘Cause I can’t live the lie. I am just what you see. I’m not the next of them. I am the first of me.

As it turns out, “FAKE” really IS the new “REAL”, and hell to the NO, that won’t work for me. Being an original is always the best thing to do, although sometimes it takes some work to learn how to be ourselves, and only ourselves. The reward is worth the struggle! If you haven’t already tried this “being me” thing (oh, wait, I mean, “being YOU”), you should. Oh, and by the way, this Hoobastank song is one of the favorites of my life, one of the most underrated songs ever, and everyone should have to memorize these words about five seconds after they learn to talk. But hey, what do I know, right? Just thought I’d share!

THE FIRST OF ME

I must make a choice – a tough decision. Listen to my voice – should I give in to temptation? Admiration? One leads to myself – the other someone else – just an empty shell. Just an empty shell. It’s harder than it seems when you’re told that all your hopes and dreams are yours to hold if you just give them what’s expected – something they can sell or put upon a shelf. But I am not for sale. I am not for sale. I hear a voice inside. It’s grown into a scream. I’m not the next of them – I am the first of me. ‘Cause I can’t live the lie. I am just what you see. I’m not the next of them – I am the first of me. If I can’t refuse the price they offer, I am sure to lose and I will suffer. Sell my soul to make a profit? All I have to do is make believe it’s true. That’s something I can’t do. That’s something I can’t do. So when the waiting’s done and it’s time to face the truth. You know you’re good enough deep down inside of you. You’ve finally woken up if only just to prove you are born to lead the way and be the first of you. {Hoobastank}

SEPTEMBER 20, 2021: “As They Are” …

I ran across a conversation amongst some parents on social media the other day, the subject being, “how they were dealing with the fact that their children didn’t turn out as they’d hoped”. It was perplexing, actually, and after reading the various insights, I had a moment for pause. So, I asked myself the same question. The thing is, I couldn’t really answer that question.

I WAS BLESSED WITH THREE BABIES.

One of them is with her Father in Heaven already, which of course is not what I’d “hoped” for her. Although I was only blessed with her physical presence for a handful of fleeting hours, there have been moments I’ve actually thanked God for getting her out of this sometimes wretched mortal world the rest of us are shackled to sooner rather than later. Let’s be honest folks – regardless of the hope, joy, beauty and laughter to be found in this temporary place we call home, “humanity” is not for the faint of heart, and it takes an immense amount of courage, faith, and even suffering to weather it.

So, yes, I’m thankful that she never had to endure the gauntlet of simply existing. I know where she is now. She is safe, loved, and treasured beyond comprehension by a Love even greater than mine, and for that I am ever grateful. I fully believe that when I myself get to the brighter side of all this grey, she’ll be there waiting for me right beside my husband, who too is eternally safe and free from the abundant suffering he knew here on Earth.

Then there are the two still with me. If I’ve learned anything in my journey thus far, it’s that as their mother, nothing is more important for their mental wealth and than my unconditional love and acceptance of them just as they are, and just as they aren’t.

Due in large part to the extreme dysfunction and toxicity of my childhood, wherein my parents (who were also raised in dysfunctional and toxic homes) perpetuated the “works and deeds” based system of parenting bequeathed to each of them cyclically, I spent the first 39 years of my life void of a reflection in the mirror. “Love, affection, praise, and reward” were earned, not freely given, and even the smallest perceived failure or disappointment in their eyes would often cost me everything.

I cannot tell you how many times they “washed their hands of me” over the years for screwing things up and falling short of their expectations. I was guilted and shamed for “not being good” too many times to count, which eventually cost me my sanity, and almost cost me my life. Meanwhile, here I am. I’ve made peace with my past, my present, and my future, and am fully connected back to that elusive younger me who was missing from the mirror all those years.

This is how I deal with the fact that my children aren’t turning out “as I’d hoped”: I DON’T, BECAUSE THEY ARE! Their mental health and happiness are all I ever hope for either of them. Their lives are their lives, and the only people they need to be accountable to when setting their personal achievement bars is THEMSELVES! No matter how high or low they set them, they will never be failures in my eyes. If they want to grow up and sell lemonade from a bus, so be it, as long as they’re selling the BEST damn lemonade they can possibly sell and they sleep peacefully at night after doing so.

My kids don’t owe me a single thing – not even love and respect. Do they love and respect me? Indeed, I think they do. Yet as oxymoronical as it seems, both love and respect are the consequence of free will and cannot be “commanded”. My babies are not “extensions of me” – they’re their own, autonomous beings. I want them to love and respect me because they want to love and respect me – not because I impose it. They are people, not machines. Their thoughts and feelings are their own. The best I can do is to keep freely giving what I “hope” to receive in return, regardless of their reciprocation.

There is nothing they can do or say that will keep me from being proud of them, and all I ever “ask” for is their very best in all they do, that they grow from their mistakes, learn from all of mine, and treat themselves and others kindly and with grace. Neither of them are perfect, and each has had some challenges courtesy of their own dysfunctional childhood and me, their dear old mom. It took me a minute to pull my head out of my own ass, get the help I needed to become WHOLE, and stop acting like the consummate victim. But I did, and they know it, and we are all in this thing together.

At the end of the day, my job as their mom will be a true success if they learn to see themselves in their mirrors as the impeccably flawed masterpieces they are – lemonade stands and all. My son is a KING in the making, and my daughter a warrior QUEEN just like me. All three of us are battle born SURVIVORS who’ve “gotten” to learn the hard way that nothing here matters without true and unconditional love and acceptance, which they will always have from their mom, and we ALL have from our God. I will always love them as they are – nothing more, nothing less …

SEPTEMBER 17, 2021: “A Love Note To My Body!” …

DEAR “ME”:

Today is your birthday – “Fifty-TWO-Good-To-True” – so, what better way to celebrate the insanely beautiful life you still get to live than to read this “love letter” to the body you still get to occupy despite your best attempts to ever so passively, yet ever so aggressively murder it for too many years to count?

When you saw this woman’s words posted on social media recently, they leveled you in the most bittersweet ways. Since that day, you’ve read them to yourself over and over and over again, and knowing you the way I do, I suspect you’ll continue to do so for the remainder of your journey here on Earth. They’re impeccable and powerful to us both!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU once again, thank you JESUS, and Amen! Indeed, you ARE “The REAL Cat Williamson” … a Warrior, Motivator, Survivor, and CREATURE SLAYING QUEEN!

~ Love, “ME”

To anyone reading this, yes, this is one of those songs that has impacted my life in such a profound way that it’s earned a repost in my Diary. Only this time I’ve changed up the words:

Never again! Never give in! Never give in! I wouldn’t have wished that on just anyone, but she seemed to share my impulse. I wouldn’t have taken that from just anyone, but she seemed to like the result. So, I connected the dots and I told her when to stop. I chose to keep on going rather and NOT be something that I’m not. We were creatures of habit. We couldn’t live without it. We didn’t have to answer to anyone. We were chasing the rabbit, like creatures of habit, and no one else knew where we were coming from. And everything has changed, ’cause I didn’t fucking run away. There’s no need to panic, ’cause it’s no longer tragic.

{ Adapted from “Creatures” ~ by Shinedown}

If you or someone you know is struggling with an addiction of any sort, PLEASE pick up your sword and fight your way out of that darkness. Both you AND YOUR BODY deserve so much fucking better than “creatures” trying to destroy you.

SEPTEMBER 15, 2021: “With Love From My Dark Side” …

… because just as sure as this Marianne Williamson quote that has long been a favorite of mine is so very true, it only recently dawned on me that it applies to ourselves as well. So, I tweaked it up a bit, “Real Cat” style …

But why would we even want to embrace our “dark side”? I believe it’s our subconscious need for self-love, acceptance, and connection to our higher power. For me? That “higher power” is God. Look, even the brightest stars can’t shine without the black of night, so sometimes you have to go DEEP into the abyss to find out what you’re really made of and come back out carrying the torch for others.

Everybody’s got a dark side. Do you love me? Can you love mine?

I am so beyond thankful for the very small handful of people who have indeed been brave enough to love me unconditionally, even despite my very dark side, not the least of whom is God Himself. I’m even more thankful that I have reached a place in my journey where I too am able to truly make peace with and embrace other people’s dark side” if that is what I need to do. I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again … Zachariah Williamson went ZERO, DARK, HOUR in the months before he left. It’s the sobering, tragic truth, and the things he did to me and my daughter would literally blow your mind. Yes, I have truly forgiven him, and yes, I still feel love for him despite the devastating horror his “dark side” brought into our lives in the end.

SEPTEMBER 12, 2021: “Who’s They?” …

The “Quora Question”:

Are humans supposed to be normal or abnormal?

Umm, so I believe humans are “supposed” to be the most authentic version of “what and who they are”, whether that be “normal”, or “abnormal”. As and aside, I personally believe that both those words, “normal” and “abnormal”, are much too subjective to be used as a baseline for humanity. Who exactly sets the standard, and what exactly entitled them to do so?

WHO’S “THEY”?

They say we need to be a certain way to fit the mold, or so they say, but who’s they? How can we pretend to care and bend because we’re told we’re not okay? Who’s they? We can’t go wrong when we all stand tall and we sing the same song. We’ll find it hard not to get along. La da da da da da. La da da da da da. La da da da da da. We’ll find it hard not to sing along. {Daughtry}

In my journey, it’s God who’s “they”. He sets the standard for everything “human”, and even that is subjective, as the personal lens through which I see, understand, and relate to Him is based solely on my unique life experiences thus far. For as much as I believe my conscious is the mode through which God speaks directly to me, I haven’t yet had the chance to sit down and have a conversation with Him about everything He intended to be “standard” for His creation.

So, with that, I really don’t think there’s a viable answer to this question. What’s “normal” to some may be “abnormal” to others. Thus, the human experience, for which I say to “they” …

SEPTEMBER 9, 2021: “Isn’t That Crazy?” …

How often do you think about your death, or even death in general? Does it scare you? Consume you? Fill you with anguish and despair? That’s understandable, of course, but it’s not the way for me.

I can honestly say that I don’t spend much time thinking about death at all, and certainly not my own, because I have made the choice to just live in every moment. Not yesterday. Not tomorrow. Not even five minutes from now. For all I know, an airplane could come crashing through my window while I’m writing this and Jean Claude Van DAMN I’m outta here!

I have had to learn the very hard way that “Death Is Nothing At All“. Three nails, a crown, and a cross literally hammered that in for me. Sufficed to say, while I definitely do not fear it, I’m not exactly excited about it, because I still have so many things I want to do. But indeed, it’s inevitable, and I made peace with that a long time ago. If I don’t wake up tomorrow, and today was my last trip around the Sun, I leave here knowing I’ve done my best in every thing, and I’m ready, God forbid.

I have an unbreakable bond with the God I know created me and what is waiting for me on “The Brighter Side Of Grey“. So, I blatantly choose to live a life of joy, hope, and gratitude for all that was, all that is, and all that may never be. It’s that “Crazy Grandma Catblind faith theory of mine that keeps my eyes on the prize! I truly believe that one of the worst things that can become a human soul is not embracing the sobering reality that we, are going, TO DIE! Those of us who are lucky enough to finally reach this crossroad understand that we must always

… because guess what folks? WE ARE! Leave no stone unturned and waste no time worrying about the inevitable. There’s literally no time like the present to start squeezing every ounce of everything you were meant to savor in this temporary life. Now, I’m not trying to tell you that we should all jump up and down with joy, like, “Whoopee! I’m gonna kick it”! I’m saying that with a little faith, and a compass set to eternity, the best part of all of this is yet to come. As for me? I’ve been called “crazy” by so many people, for so many reasons, at so many points in my life, at this point I embrace it! Being called “crazy” for not being afraid to die? Yah. I’ll wear that little badge with honor!

CRAZY

Why I would I spend my life longing for the day that it would end? Why would I spend my time pointing to another man? Isn’t that crazy? How can I find hope in dying, with promises unseen? How can I learn Your way is better than everything I’m taught to be? Isn’t that crazy? I have not been called to the wisdom of this world, but to a God who’s calling out to me. And even though the world may think I’m losing touch with reality, it would be crazy to choose this world over eternity. And if I boast, let me boast of filthy rags made clean. And if I glory, let me glory in my Savior’s suffering. Isn’t that crazy? And as I live this daily life, I trust you for everything, and I will only take a step when I feel You leading me. Isn’t that crazy? {Mercy Me}

SEPTEMBER 6, 2021: “Maneaters!” …

STOP THE “MAN-EATING”!

Yes, I am an ecumenical abuser, and 5,000% believe that what’s good for the goose is even better for the gander. Show me a perfect woman, anywhere, EVER, and I’ll tell you that Jesus’s mom, Mary, is already dead and gone!

Does anyone care to know how many men I was a train wreck DISASTER to before I pulled myself together and became so “mentally wealthy”? Not that I’m proud of it, but yup, IT’S THE SOBERING TRUTH! Some of my former toxic behaviors and mindsets were indeed the real problem in some of my past relationships. I’m no angel, never was, never will be, and ZERO am I a victim “because I’m a woman”.

We ALL can behave badly, regardless of our gender, so check yourself in the mirror before you marry yourself to the ass backwards idea that “ALL MEN” are worthless assholes.

Here’s the deal folks …

I have raised a son. I’ve been BLESSED to have been loved by and known a few TRULY good men. It’s a major trigger to me when I hear a woman cursing the name of “MAN”! Sorry. NOT SORRY! It’s GROSS, overdone, and toxic.

By the way girls, it’s not a competition: “Us v. Them”. It’s a collaboration! We all have power and value to bring to the table. Respect for each other’s roles (oh, SNAP, I said the “r” word) is first and foremost when setting up that table to foster ideal circumstances. And this concludes my five minutes of contribution to society for the day. Carry on now.

SEPTEMBER 1, 2021: “My F**kn’ PERFECT Flaws” …

The “Quora Question” was this:

What are some faults about yourself?

Within ten seconds flat, the first 100 faults I could think of rushed to the forefront of my mind. Drumroll please …

  • I’m sanctimonious and self-righteous at times, especially where parenting and motherhood are concerned.
  • I can be cold, aloof, and distant.
  • I’m the consummate “INFJ Rager”.
  • I have inflexible boundaries.
  • I’M WAY TOO PROTECTIVE OF MY PERSONAL SPACE!
  • I always forgive, but never forget! Once I’ve been pushed to my extreme outer limits, the privilege of becoming INVISIBLE is yours! I can literally erase people from my mind.
  • Not a huge fan of the “victim mentality” and have little to no empathy or patience for it (even though I USED to be the consummate “victim” myself)!
  • I have unfair double standards.
  • I CURSE WAY TOO DAMN MUCH!
  • I REFUSE TO ALLOW TOXIC ENERGY IN MY ATMOSPHERE!

Keep in mind that this lovely list could go on and on forever, but these are just a few of the highlights of my “lowlights”! While I’m not proud of ANY of them, I’m always working on ALL of them! With the exception, of course, of my avid disdain for both narcissists and “mothers” who abandon, abuse, neglect, or emotionally torture their children. In my mind, those “things” aren’t even human, so I am wholly unable to extend any grace in those directions. Sorry. NOT SORRY! I’m only human, after all, so I’m just relying on God to work out all the details in that regard.

AUGUST 28, 2021: “But What If I Stumble?” …

Someone recently asked me if I thought that I could go to Hell for all the cursing I do, which of course gave me some serious pause for thought, because, umm, oh good GRIEF have you met me? I’m a sailor without a ship total potty mouth kinda woman, and yes, I’m well aware of the fact that some of the truly well intended thoughts and messages I’ve spoken or written have been delivered out of both sides of my proverbial mouth.

The Bible says that anyone born again by the Holy Spirit is saved eternally (John 10:28), not temporarily. However, the Bible also strongly warns against apostasy, which can lead to doubt about “eternal security”. If, by command, we “can’t be unborn and lose our salvation”, why are we warned against apostasy? Well, first, you have to know what “apostasy” means.

Simply stated in the best “Jesus For Dummies” way that I know how, an apostate is someone who abandons their faith. The Bible makes many references to people who only “professed their faith”, but never never genuinely received Jesus. “Pretenders.” “Actors.” APOSTATES! In other words, “apostatizers” were never really “saved and born again” in the first place.

That being said, if as Christians we truly believed in our hearts the words we spoke when we professed our faith (and only God and us know whether that is true), we are commanded to “walk the walk and talk the talk”, because in the famous words of Billy Graham:

The greatest single cause of atheism in the world today is Christians who acknowledge Jesus with their lips and walk out the door and deny Him by their lifestyle.

So, although true salvation is eternal and therefore can’t be undone, “Christians who curse” are definitely not optimal. As for me? I am an admittedly offending Christian who curses way too damn much. See? I just did it again! OMG! I know it. I’m ashamed of it. I APOLOGIZE FOR IT EVERY TIME! The words that sometimes come out of my mouth are DISGUSTING and not a good look or advertisement for the true and sincere profession of my own faith and salvation.

The bottom line here is this: Just because my salvation can’t be undone, neither I or anyone else shouldn’t use it as a “get out of Hell free card” for bad behavior. Doing so neither honors God, or me, or the rest of the believing world who are doing much better at this “walking the walk” game than I am. The “unbelieving world” is always watching “the believers” for evidence to justify their disbelief, and I don’t want to be the reason someone refuses to believe in something they cannot see. So, with that …

MY DEAREST JESUS:

What if I stumble? What if I fall? Is this one for the people? Is this one for the Lord? Or do I simply serenade for things I must afford? You can jumble them together – my conflict still remains. Holiness is callin’ in the midst of courting fame. ‘Cause I see the trust in their eyes though the sky is fallin’. They need Your love in their lives – compromise is callin’. What if I stumble? What if I fall? What if I lose my step and I make fools of us all? Will the love continue when my walk becomes a crawl? What if I stumble, and what if I fall? What if I stumble? What if I fall? Oh Lord! You never turn in the heat of it all! What if I stumble? What if I fall? Father, please forgive me, for I cannot compose the fear that lives within me or the rate at which it grows. If struggle has a purpose on the narrow road You carved, why do I dread my trespasses will leave a deadly scar? Did they see the fear in my eyes? Are they so revealin’? This time I cannot disguise all the doubt I’m feelin’. What if I stumble? What if I fall? What if I lose my step and I make fools of us all? Will the love continue when my walk becomes a crawl? What if I stumble, and what if I fall? What if I stumble? Everyone’s got to crawl when you know that you’re up against the wall – it’s about to fall! Everyone’s got to crawl when you know that … yeah. I hear You whispering my name. You said, “My love for you will never change.” What if I stumble? What if I fall? What if I lose my step and I make fools of us all?

I know! I know! I’M WORKING ON IT! I PROMISE! I don’t want to let You down, I don’t want to let myself down, and I desperately don’t want to be a big ole “Jesus hypocrite” billboard for Your cause. I wholeheartedly believe that the deeply abysmal guilt I feel every time I drop an eff bomb is Your Holy Spirit telling me STOP, so as with everything else in my often crooked life, I am ever a work in progress. Please forgive me, once again, even though I know You already have, but oh, em, gee, what am I gonna have to do with myself? Eat a bar of soap? Guess I’ll just keep trying. Really REALLY trying. I love you, Jesus! ~ C

AUGUST 21, 2021: “So Sorry, I’ve Dropped The Mic!” …

… and yet another Quora Question” that absolutely fascinated me:

WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT PEOPLE WHO DISABLE COMMENTS ON THEIR ANSWERS?

Umm, I DON’T THINK ABOUT PEOPLE WHO DISABLE COMMENTS ON THEIR ANSWERS! I stay in my own lane, unless I’m asked a question, and let me tell you why …

“What others think about me”, or anyone else for that matter, is neither any of my business nor up for any debate. That being said, here’s what I think about people who spend their time thinking about people who disable their comments: In case some of you didn’t get that memo, lions really don’t concern themselves with the opinions of the sheep. Neither do queens, and I am one in the same, soo …

It took a lifetime to find the voice behind my sometimes obnoxious self-righteousness. BEEN THERE! DONE ALL OF IT! At this point, I believe I’ve earned the right to NOT have to argue with village idiots, unless, of course, I want to. As far as I’m concerned, it’s one of the perks of being “Fifty-ONE-Derful”, soon to be “Fifty-TWO-Good-To-Be-True”, and not giving a flipping shit about anyone else’s “opinion” is just so frigging AWESOME! Not gonna lie, I probably take way too much pleasure pissing people off with my “Real Cat” truth bombs. It brings me such satisfaction knowing I’ve aggravated someone by not allowing them to throw their own mic back at me. When someone wants to argue with me for just for the sake of arguing, or better yet, defending or trying to justify some bullshit they’re trying to schlep? Nope, not interested. Thank you – drive through please.

But here’s the good news …

As overly righteous as I may ever be, not once have I claimed to be perfect. As a matter of fact, I’ve probably fucked way more things and people up than anyone else on their very worst day, and I’m not afraid to admit it! Many of my former BULLSHIT, toxic behaviors were abysmal and egregious to say the least. But you see, for all my personal smites and crimes, I have accounted for, acknowledged, and atoned for as much of the damage I’ve bestowed to both others and myself to the best of my ability. “Ignorance” is no longer my “bliss”!

Anyone who finds themselves at the receiving end of guilt, shame, or anger after reading something I wrote? That’s about THEM, not about ME, so they’ll just need to check their deflection in the mirror before they have to spend a shit ton of time going back to the people they’ve fucked over with their own “accounting, acknowledging, and atoning”! BEEN THERE! DONE THAT, TOO! Those were not my best days ever. In the meantime, maybe, just maybe, someone will actually learn from my many mistakes.

For the record, I 2,000% know that many of my “opinions, truths, thoughts and beliefs” are neither ideal or realistic, and that some of them may just, be, WRONG! But they’re mine, ALL MINE, I earned them, I own them, I REAPED THEM, I SEWED THEM, and I stand by every seemingly acrimonious thing I say.

I DO NOT APOLOGIZE!

AUGUST 22, 2021: “Everywhere” …

Zachariah …

I don’t know exactly how to express what I am feeling right now, other than to just write these words of gratitude. Not a day goes by since you had to leave this place – two years ago this night – that we don’t see you, hear you, and feel you in every space we are, and I don’t think that will ever change. Even with all the things you broke, and the unspeakable ways you hurt us both in your literal insanity, I look around at “everywhere” and marvel at the life you left behind for us “from the ground up” from the broken pieces the people who were supposed to love you left you in.

It’s my truest prayer that you can still “see us” and you know we’re doing okay. No, better than okay. We’re not just QUEENS – we’re the ENIGMAS you loved back to lifeeven despite yourself. You’re in all our conversations, every one of our smiles, all the songs we sing, and the endless joy and laughter we embrace. The enormous light you left behind us has fully engulfed that last bit of your darkness, and now only “the brighter side” of your legacy lives on in every precious ounce of our grey.

It was an honor to call you ours, and only ever ours. It always was and always will be. Though you’re not physically “here” with us, you’re still everywhere, in everything, and I suppose that’s just the way it was supposed to be. You were one of our most beautiful seasons, but seasons must surely change. We love you. We miss you. We won’t ever forget you. We’ll just take you how we have you into the rest of our days on this Earth until we can see you again.

Today, we decided not to shed a tear. God knows we deserve better. Instead, we’re just leaving some of your ashes at the pier, then have Red Robin teriyaki burgers in your honor.

Us

AUGUST 11, 2021: “When Angels Fall” …

… and again with these Facebook “Memories” that either are or are not driving me insane!

“7 years ago” today …

… how selfish of someone who has everything in the world to commit suicide”. Just read that complete and total bullshit and it’s so beyond infuriating. It’s called depression people, and it knows no boundaries! As if someone actually wakes up one morning and says “Okay, I’m feeling kind of selfish today so I think I’ll just asphyxiate myself”. Been there, done that. It means a human being is in SO much unbearably excruciating pain, sometimes both mentally AND physically, that the only escape they see or “feel” from the noose around their own heart is sleep. It’s the ultimate end to the many broken voices in their mind. Don’t judge. Instead, be on your knees thanking your God that you’ve never been in such a deafeningly silent place. Seriously? And by the way, someone please define “everything”. If someone has “everything” they must not become depressed?

Little did I know what was lying in wait ahead of me just “5 years and 11 days later”.

If you’ve been following this Diary, you know that, yes, I have forgiven him for everything he did, which, PS, is more than anyone can fathom. As I’ve cryptically said before, and trust me when I reiterate, there is so much more that happened in his bat-shit fucking CRAZY psychosis than the world outside of our immediate family will ever know.

Short of that, NO, I still don’t think that suicide is selfish. You see, I too have been in that place and survived my own suicide attempt on November 8,1996. So, with that, I say this, and will hold steadfast to this thought eternally …

If you think that suicide is selfish, then you’ve obviously never been truly suicidal yourself. Even angels fall.

{Author Unknown}

WHEN ANGELS FALL

I tried try to face the fight within, but it’s over. I’m ready for the riot to begin and surrender. I walked the path that led me to the end. Remember. I’m caught beneath with nothing left to give forever. When angels fall with broken wings – I can’t give up, I can’t give in. When all is lost and daylight ends, I’ll carry you and we will live forever. Forever. Grey skies will chase the light away no longer. I fought the fight, now only dark remains. Forever. Divided I will stand, and I will let this end. When angels fall with broken wings – I can’t give up, I can’t give in. When all is lost and daylight ends, I’ll carry you and we will live forever. Forever. The Sun begins to rise and wash away the sky. The turning of the tide. Don’t leave it all behind! And I will never say goodbye – when angels fall. {Breaking Benjamin}

AUGUST 6, 2021: “The Tale Of Two Every Day Memories” …

On “THIS day” ten years ago, she’d been throwing up the entire night before, and I was completely exhausted. So, he’d cancelled all his PT clients to stay home and help me out, because I could barely function. I’d left them in the living room of our tiny ass little apartment watching “Dora The Explorer” and doing puzzles while I went to take a quick nap. The picture is what I awoke to.

Fast forward to “THIS day” seven years ago. He was hard core rocking that real estate license of his, determined to turn me into a QUEEN and her into a princess.

I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again: I was, and will always be, THE luckiest woman on this planet that he really was “MINE ALL MINE”, and only ever MINE (and hers) “Every Day” that he was ours. I can only smile now and thank God profusely that I got to be his wife.

He could’ve bowed out gracefully, but he didn’t. He knew enough to know to leave well enough alone, but he wouldn’t.

{“Every Day” ~ Rascal Flatts}

He could have picked anyone, but he picked me. That’s really saying something people – because I was kind of a handful. Actually? I still am, and I wouldn’t have me any other way!

JULY 31, 2021: “Padded Rooms” …

Indeed it’s true – I really DID survive my own insanity, and one of THE most stigmatic, complicated, and difficult to treat mental illnesses in the book. (Yes, there is an actual book.) Other than my faith, my children, and knowing FULLY what my purpose in this life is, my “insanity survival” is one of my most treasured badges of honor!

Hi everyone! It’s me, Cat! Once upon a time, I lost my own damn mind – LITERALLY – not figuratively – and here I am to effing brag about it! How do ya like me now?

If you are struggling with “insanity” right now, please let me assure you:

YOU ARE NOT ALONE!

Take a look around. Look left. Look right. Chances are that one of those “normal” people standing right beside you may be struggling with some insanity of their own. Mental illness doesn’t always LOOK like insanity. So often, it just hides behind a “Look how normal I am everyone!” smile. Don’t be ashamed – GET HELP! There is a Light at the end of your Darkness.

Much love to you all …

“Crazy Cat”

JULY 29, 2021: “He Will Be Remembered” …

This is probably one of my FAVORITE “1 Year Ago” memories so far!


Mom, is it okay if I wear one of Dad’s shirts”?


I’m not quite sure if any sentence in the history of my life has ever impacted me as much as this one. As I’ve mentioned before, there are less than two handfuls of people who know what Gia really went through with Zack’s suicide and preceding insanity. The mere fact that she has been able to make peace with not only his death, but the actual demon that was living in his mind that hurt us both beyond fathom in the end is literally mind-numbing. At this point in the process, she has forgiven him for everything, talks about him incessantly, and still correlates him to every best part of her life and childhood.

My “Mona Lisa” is an enigma, and everything I aspire to be when I grow up. I am SUCH a lucky woman to have been chosen to be her mother, and I just cannot say it enough.

JULY 26, 2021: “The Divine Apostrophe” …

She had come to believe that the dark days of the past made her impossibly strong. It was years before she realized she was wrong. She was forged from steel at the onset of His design. “Strong” is what she was.Light” is who she’d be. The darkness merely forced her to prove it.

As she was pulled towards her destiny with a blind faith that swathed her in grace, her “should have been” broken soul remained unbroken. She never stopped believing in God and love, and refused to be a jaded victim. She was that girl who smiled every time it rained, danced after her life unraveled, and rejected the devil’s lie that life was not worth living. Then, right on cue, the vividly colored palette she’d been handed by The Master began morphing into the grey that infused her canvas.

She had to rewrite her fairytale ending an infinite number of times, but never once did she cower at the thought of starting over. Deep in her being, she’d somehow always known that endings were just beginnings, and even the most beautiful seasons had to change.

Each time the devil tried to steal the crown from her head, she’d adapt, survive, and emerge from her cocoon the ungroundable Phoenix that she was. Indeed she was a creation of Light that simply could not be dimmed. God’s very favorite daughter and divinely appointed apostrophe ….

I’m an apostrophe. I’m just a symbol to remind you that there’s more to see. I’m just a product of the system. A catastrophe, and yet a masterpiece, and yet I’m half diseased. And when I am deceased, at least I’ll go down to the grave and die happily. Leave the body and my soul to be a part of thee. I’ll do what it takes.

{“Whatever It Takes” … Imagine Dragons}

“She” is me!

“She” can be YOU!

If you are stumbling in a darkness of your own, please let me to encourage you … PICK UP THE CROWN THAT ALL THE WORLD KICKED OFF YOUR HEAD AND PUT IT RIGHT BACK WHERE IT BELONGS! Not just for you, but for the others who are standing beside you. As for me? Just like all the stars in the sky that punctuate this world with their halo, I will continue to beam through the infinite abyss that would love nothing better than to swallow me alive, and keep reminding myself that my soul is ablaze with the mysterious and illustrious things that dying eyes desperately need to see to help them find their way back home.

We are all created from perfection.

We are ALL divinely inspired.

We are ALL a product of the Light this world wants to extinguish.

JULY 18, 2021: “MY Little Girl!” …

“SWEET SIXTEEN”

Many cheers to a highly successful weekend of celebrating the beautiful enigma I am blessed to call my daughter! Most people have no idea the REAL battles this girl has risen above, nor the infinite and astounding amounts of grace and forgiveness she has shown SO many people that truly don’t deserve it. Someone recently asked me that age-old question, “What do you want to be when you grow up”? My answer was INSTANT and easy …

I want to be more like my daughter!

This often SHIT world we get to live in is SUCH a better place with her in it, and I cannot say it enough. She’s got a personality like me (she’s careful who she lets in), so anyone worthy enough to be in the glow of her halo is one truly lucky human soul. I love you Gloria Catherine. You are EVERY flawless stone in my jewel encrusted crown. I thank God every single day for picking ME to be your momma. No, I probably didn’t deserve her, but here I am rocking the “HAPPY SWEET SIXTEEN TO MY PRINCESS!” And remember …

You’re beautiful, baby, from the outside in. Chase your dreams, but always know the road that’ll lead you home again. Go on, take on this whole world, but to me you know you’ll always be MY little girl!

{Tim McGraw}

JULY 7, 2021: “Nothing” …

I want you to know that YOU ARE AMAZING! I may not know you – but I do know this … you’re a freaking ROCK STAR!

Claim it!

Own it!

BE IT!

It’s not “you against them” – IT’S YOU AGAINST YOU! The Force is with you, because it’s INSIDE YOU, and it has been all the while. You just have to STAND UP AND LOOK IN THE MIRROR to find it. But remember:

Nothing’s ever gonna change if you don’t stand up and you don’t say nothing. Waiting on better days, but they won’t show up if you don’t do nothing. Deep down it hurts that I can’t do a thing. My eyes are bleeding, they’re glued to the screen. Headlines are monsters that everyone honors. Blink if it hurts you to see what I see. Both eyes have witnessed this catastrophe. Stand at the altar, swear me a promise. Don’t you surrender! NO! Put a needle in your coffin counting all your losses. You’re not safe! If you only gotta stand up, STAND UP! Face with the truth in the demons we see. Fist to the sky, tell me what you believe! Put down your weapons! Put down your weapons! If you’ve been kicked down, get back to your feet! No turning back now, no there’s no retreat! When they hear us running, they’ll know we’re coming. Don’t you surrender! NO! There’s no surrender! Stand up! Stand up! {Papa Roach}

JULY 6, 2021: “You’re My Best Friend” …

TO MY VERY BEST FRIEND IN THE WORLD (ME!):

Ooh, you make me live. Whatever this world can’t give to me. It’s you – you’re all I see. Ooh, you make me live now, honey. Ooh, you make me live. Oh, you’re the best friend that I ever had. I’ve been with you such a long time! You’re my sunshine and I want you to know that my feelings are true. I really love you! Oh, you’re my best friend! Ooh, you make me live. Ooh, I’ve been wandering ’round. Still come back to you. In rain or shine, you’ve stood by me girl. I’m happy at home. You’re my best friend! Ooh, you make me live. Whenever this world is cruel to me, I got you to help me forgive. Ooh, you make me live now, honey. Ooh, you make me live. Oh, you’re the first one when things turn out bad. You know I’ll never be lonely. You’re my only one, and I love the things – I really love the things that you do! Oh, you’re my best friend! {Queen}

Yes, IT’S TRUE! “Me and me” are thick like THIEVES and we’re staying in this game for the very, very, VERY long haul!

Damn! When I think of where I’d be by now had I figured all this out WAY back at the very beginning of the story, I kinda want to shake “the old me” and say …

Hey bitch! You ARE okay! You’re gonna BE okay! I won’t let you down when the seasons change. So, CHIN UP! KNUCKLES OUT! Dry your pretty eyes, ’cause we got this!”

On second thought, NAH! I LIVE WITH NO REGRETS! Not a single one EVER! Nothing can be gained if nothing is ever lost. It’s all just a part of the experience and I wouldn’t change a thing.

If you are reading this now, I wish you well! When you close your eyes tonight, please do not fall asleep before first making a solemn pact with YOU to start treating YOU like “you’re own best friend”! Let’s face it – it’s kinda rough out there folks. This world can be a shitty place to wander around in all alone. There are cruel people AND circumstances waiting around every corner to break your effing back.

DON’T LET “YOU” DOWN!

“You and you” are gonna be okay, but you just HAVE to stick together. Let nothing and NO ONE come between “you and you”! YOU GOT THIS! I promise.

MAY 30, 2021: “No Matter How Long It Took” …

“Joe’s Farm”
~ Piedmont, New Hampshire ~
Courtesy Of Bill Hower (A “Virtual Stranger”)

… Somehow He Found A Way!

On this day, twenty-three years ago, I woke up not only in celebration of the first true love of my life’s 35th birthday, but even more so of the fact that it was on that day that he’d decided to take my then six year old son to a very special lunch and ask his permission to marry me. Little did I know that just as the clock struck midnight, one of the most beautiful souls to have ever crossed my path would be leaving this place in the Blaze Of Glory he truly was.

But here’s the deal …

Death is still nothing at all! At this point in my journey, I can’t even make myself cry tears of sorrow and grief for the many beautiful gifts I’ve had but lost. Now, does that mean I never cry? Of course not! I am only human after all. My tears these days are shed in an abundance of gratitude for everything I have “gotten to have” but lost. All too often, I literally fall to my knees and thank God profusely for the magnanimous ways He’s always “showing me” just how much He loves me. I get signs from random places, cryptic messages when I least expect them, messages in the fog, and even “letters and pictures” from virtual strangers (like the one of “Joe’s Farm” above).

Dearest Mine …

I am writing to say how much I care for you and to say how much I want you to know me better. When you awoke this morning, I exploded a brilliant sunrise through your window hoping to get your attention, but you rushed off without even noticing. Later, I noticed you were walking with some friends, so I bathed you in warm sunshine and perfumed the air with nature’s sweet scent, and still, you didn’t notice me. As you passed by, I shouted to you in a thunderstorm and painted a beautiful rainbow in the sky and you didn’t even look. In the evening, I spilled moonlight onto your face and sent a cool breeze to rest you. As you slept, I watched over you and shared your thoughts, but you were unaware that I was so near. I have chosen you and hope you will talk to me soon. Until then I will remain near.

I am your friend and love you very much.

Jesus

{Author Unknown}

… to which my response is:

Dearest Mine …

I am writing YOU to say I know how much You care, and to thank You for letting me know YOU! When I awoke this morning, You exploded a brilliant sunrise through my window yet again, and YES you have my attention! Today, as always, I will bask in the warmth of Your Sunshine and the air I still “get to breathe” that You’ve perfumed with Your intoxicating scent. Each time You pass by, I cry out to You from my heart with joy for all those thunderstorms, paintings, and rainbows You’ve sent me. Tonight, as You watch me sleep, please continue to share Your thoughts. I choose YOU, and thank you for all the gifts, and signs, and messages. I AM AWARE AND WILL REMAIN NEAR.

I am your child and I love YOU very much as well!

Catherine

It’s Saturday, May 29, 2021. I’m both a miracle and a QUEEN to have laid the two kings of my heart to rest at such a relatively young age. Yet, here I am, very much alive, mostly sane, and filled with an abundance of Light, magic and gratitude for the precious time I “got to have” with them.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY KIRK MITCHELL BOONE! I loved you so. Always have. Always will. Today I could only smile as I cherished and celebrated the beautiful season of my life with you, one of the many masterpieces sent to me by The Master Artist of all. Knowing Him the way I do, I’ll see you BOTH on The Brighter Side Of Grey.

MAY 28, 2021: “So Take The Best Parts Of Me” …

… locked away without the keys, and know that I’m forever by your side.

“The Brighter Side Of Grey” ~ Five Finger Death Punch

… that moment you realize yet again that your child’s creative talent puts even your best work to shame, and all you can do is sigh, because “with all that I’ve done wrong, I must have done something right”.

She is my gift to this world.

They both are. My legacies. My everything. The Brighter Sides of ALL my beautiful greys. Have I ever told any of you that I am THE luckiest queen on this Earth?

… BELOW …

Her “Principles of Design” series freshman project. She was asked to use “random bits and pieces” on a 4×7 surface to present her personal interpretations of design concepts such as “Unity”, “Emphasis”, “Symmetry”, “Contrast”, “Rhythm & Movement”, and “Asymmetrically Balanced”. Each of these “bits” of cardstock and paper were individually hand-cut and arranged …

MAY 17, 2021: “Into The Mystery I Slide” …

There was no-one like him. I’d lived in a world of black and white, and he was the only one in color.

… but then again …

There’ll be NO one like him. Into the mystery I slide. I’m hoping he’ll keep it all uncovered.

Kinda cryptic, right? Only God knows what the future holds for me. It’s either “been there, done that” alone, but not lonely, for the rest of my days on this Earth …

… OR …

There is “One Last King” preparing himself for ME somewhere out there in this realm.

Admittedly, I won’t be an easy catch. If and when he either does or doesn’t show up, he’ll be a TRUE “alpha man” to the core who will easily win the privilege and HONOR of taking and RULING my heart and seeing “all of me“.

But wait, Cat! Didn’t you just say you won’t be an easy catch? That seems so contradictory!

That is correct! I will not be an easy catch. But you see, if “he” is who I know he is to even capture my attention in the first place, it will be easy for him to do! It will be a cosmic clash of two Earthly titans, and that’s just the way it’s gonna be! I WILL ONLY DO THIS ONE MORE TIME and I will not not be “playing” around. HE’LL BE PLAYING FOR KEEPS! Nothing less. Nothing more. Only time will tell.

This is me speaking into the Cosmos that I’m 100% open to what and “if” is or is NOT meant to be. I call it “Queen-Speak“.

IT IS SPOKEN!

MAY 16, 2021: “Why Some Old Friends Die So Soon” …

WHY DO DOGS LIVE LESS THAN HUMANS?

I recently saw this question posted on a dear friend of mine’s Facebook page, and although he was not the author of the original “response of a six year old child”, I believed it was still worth sharing.

Being a veterinarian, I had been called to examine a ten-year-old Irish Wolfhound named Belker. The dog’s owners, Ron, his wife Lisa, and their little boy Shane, were all very attached to Belker, and they were hoping for a miracle. I examined Belker and found he was dying of cancer. I told the family we couldn’t do anything for Belker, and offered to perform the euthanasia procedure for the old dog in their home. As we made arrangements, Ron and Lisa told me they thought it would be good for six-year-old Shane to observe the procedure. They felt as though Shane might learn something from the experience. The next day, I felt the familiar catch in my throat as Belker‘s family surrounded him. Shane seemed so calm, petting the old dog for the last time, that I wondered if he understood what was going on. Within a few minutes, Belker slipped peacefully away. The little boy seemed to accept Belker’s transition without any difficulty or confusion. We sat together for a while after Belker’s Death, wondering aloud about the sad fact that dogs’ lives are shorter than human lives. Shane, who had been listening quietly, piped up, ”I know why.” Startled, we all turned to him. What came out of his mouth next stunned me. I’d never heard a more comforting explanation. It has changed the way I try and live. He said, ”People are born so that they can learn how to live a good life — like loving everybody all the time and being nice, right?” The six-year-old continued … ”Well, dogs already know how to do that, so they don’t have to stay for as long as we do.

{Author Unknown}

Live simply.
Love generously.
Care deeply.
Speak kindly.

Remember, if the dog was giving the lessons, you would learn things like:

  • When loved ones come home, run to greet them!
  • Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joyride!
  • Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure ecstasy!
  • Take naps!
  • Stretch before rising!
  • Run, romp, and play daily!
  • Thrive on attention!
  • Avoid biting when a simple growl will do!
  • On warm days, stop to lie on your back on the grass!
  • On hot days, drink lots of water and lie under a shady tree!
  • When you’re happy, dance around and wag your entire body!
  • Delight in the simple joy of a long walk!
  • Be faithful!
  • Never pretend to be something you’re not!
  • If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it!
  • When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by, and nuzzle them gently!

If only any of you knew just how much I’ve learned over the years from my own fur babies. As of late, in so many ways, “Lord Walter The Williamson” has been one of our biggest heroes in the 635 days since his Daddy had to cross over to The Brighter Side Of Grey. Someday I will have to go back and tell you all about that, but as for now, the actual miracle of his presence in our lives and the mere reason I believe he was sent to us in the first place is just too overwhelming for even “all my words”. Sufficed to say, at the end of the day, I am one of those people who finds it no coincidence that “DOG” is “GOD” spelled backwards. If you know, you know. If you don’t, you don’t. They aren’t just four-legged creatures. They’re four-legged teachers.

MAY 9, 2021: “Mama’s Boys” …

“MOTHER’S DAY 2021”

My son started singing “Hold My Hand” at around age three, and it wasn’t uncommon for him to literally take and “hold my hand” as we walked through any public space we traversed together as he belted it out loud for the world to hear. Not long after, another one cued up while I was driving him to school one morning. “A Song For Mama”. Ugh! He reached across the console and “held my hand” yet again and I sobbed like a baby girl. Years later, it was our bittersweet “Mother/Son” dance at The Frog & The Butterfly. That being said, have any of you ever really listened to the words?

You taught me everything and everything you’ve given me – I’ll always keep it inside. You’re the driving force in my life. There isn’t anything or anyone that I could be, and it just wouldn’t feel right if I didn’t have you by my side. You were there for me to love and care for me when skies were gray. Whenever I was down, you were always there to comfort me, and no one else can be what you have been to me. You will always be the girl in my life for all times. Mama you know I love you. Mama you’re the queen of my heart. Your love is like tears from the stars, yes it is. Mama I just want you to know lovin’ you is like food to my soul. You’re always there for me, have always been around for me even when I was bad. You showed me right from my wrong. Yes you did. And you took up for me when everyone was downin’ me. You always did understand. You gave me strength to go on. There were so many times looking back when I was so afraid, and then you’d come to me and say to me I can face anything. And no one else can do what you have done for me. You’ll always be the girl in my life. Mama you know I love you. Mama you’re the queen of my heart. Your love is like tears from the stars. Mama I just want you to know – Lovin’ you is like food to my soul. Never gonna go a day without you. {Boyz 2 Men}

So, imagine you’re a highly impressionable, innocent young boy, or even a grown man who’s never had a mama to sing these words to or feel these sentiments for? Worse yet, imagine you’re a boy who’s “mama” just got up and bolted because she was a self-consumed, vile excuse of a woman who took the utmost honor and responsibility of “mama” and spat both it and her children on the ground? These days, it seems that man bashing and “all men are the devil” is the flavor of the day, but I gotta tell ya, those kinda words will bring the literal DEVIL out of ME! Not only is stereotyping a clear sign of true moronacy, because after all, unless you can prove that you have indeed known every man who is or ever was, then indeed you are a moron. But more so than that …

Anything men can do, WE can do better!

Really? Then, SUCK IT UP SALLY and come down from your sanctimony, ’cause with THAT train of thought…

Anything MEN can fuck up, we can fuck up BETTER!

Sometimes when dealing with a “devil of a man”, the best thing to do is take a good hard look in the mirror. Have any of you ever stopped to consider that YOU are the one manifesting the “devil” out of him! Ya get what ya give, know what I’m sayin’? And by the way ladies …

Don’t forget where we came from …

THEIR RIB!

I’m an ecumenical abuser! What’s good for the gander IS good for the goose as well, so let’s all stop pointing the finger at “the OTHER gender” and do a better job managing our own business and “roles”. We’re ALL human! We’re ALL a hot mess! We ALL make mistakes! WE CAN ALL BE THE DEVIL AT TIMES! That being said, the sobering truth is it’s the woman’s hand that literally “rocks the cradle” (or at least that’s what they were intended to do). We are the Earth, the Sun, the Moon, the stars and the entire effing COSMOS to the babies we bear, and even wild animals instinctively know this to be true and sometimes do much better jobs of raising their children than some human “things” with wombs.

Now, does a good, strong, emotionally “wealthy” father have value in the parenting process? OF COURSE! Duh, do you think I’m effing stupid? But you see, “mama” is the ultimate power! “Mamas” are the only one’s who can make a human being, so “mamas” are the one’s who can best and irreparably BREAK a human being! For every toxic “devil” of a man” roaming this planet and giving “some men” a really bad wrap, chances are that you can trace his fucked up, broken ways back to the hands of the WOMAN who either did or did not “rock his cradle”. Sorry, NOT sorry, but it’s the truth, and I don’t care what anyone has to say about it.

I thank GOD for the truly good “alpha” men in this world. I respect them. I value them. I worry for them. I PRAY FOR THEM! I cherish and honor them as the strong towers they were intended to be. I am a woman who has been lucky enough to be loved by not one, but TWO of the most beautiful KINGS on this Earth. At the end of the day, I thank God I wasn’t born one, because from the moment they draw their first breathe they are expected to bear the literal weight of the world on their shoulders. It’s a brutal reality that so many women take for granted.

If YOU are a man-hating woman reading this … GET OUT OF MY DIARY RIGHT NOW! You – are NOT – “my people”, and you – are kinda – GROSS! ZERO do I want your misguided, nonsensical, TOXIC double-standards of BULLSHIT in my atmosphere. Sorry. NOT SORRY! Bah. GURLE, BAH!

MAY 8, 2021: “The Tale Of Two Quotes” …

Which One Are You?

DON’T LIE!

BE REAL!

Would you do ANYTHING to protect the sanctity of your children’s environment, “mental wealth”, and well-being? Or are you one of those SELFISH MOMS who merely drags the children you were blessed with along through your carnival of “me, me, ME” bullshit and drama?

HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY TO ALL THE “GOOD MOMS” OUT THERE!

You’re the hand that rocks the cradle!

To all the rest of you girls who are lucky enough to call themselves “mom” yet treat your children as an accessory if and when it’s convenient: You’re the hand that DESTROYS the cradle AND the babies that were in them, so you’ll be keeping the mental health system alive and kicking until the end of time. At least you’re doing your part to boost the economy, right? CONGRATS little girls! Not only are you GROSS and DISGUSTING – but YOU are primarily what’s wrong with this fucked up world we all live in! Yah, I said that! Sorry. NOT sorry! … “Sancti-MOM-Ius”

APRIL 27, 2021: “A Spoonful Of Wisdom From The Maestro” …

Congratulations on the recent Oscar to “The Maestro”, Sir Anthony Hopkins. Not only does he call the Wales home (where as it turned out, my husband discovered the majority of his genetic roots), but he’s also one of the stars of one of TOP 10 favorite movies of all times. I’m not gonna tell you what it is just yet – because honestly, that’s a blog that I’ve still yet to process after many failed attempts. Sufficed to say, I have left a cryptic hint for you in the picture atop this post. IF YOU KNOW – YOU KNOW! If you don’t, you don’t.

You should know that I did not watch the Oscars this year. Never have. NEVER WILL. I have as much interest in the dressed up and bedazzled pomp and circumstance of “celebrating celebrities” as I do getting run over by a truck. Which is not to say I am not appreciative of the truly talented people who have brought true creative artistry into this world via screen and stage. Of course I’m a fan of “that”. But as far as the idolization of mortal human beings? Nope. Not so much. FACT: We all bleed red, nothing more, nothing less, and regardless of how many accolades any of us achieve in our respective lifetimes, we are all going to end as the mere dust from which we were formed – “trophies or no trophies”.

You see, I have long believed that it’s not “who we are” – it’s “what we do” to make this world a better place than we found it, and trust me when I tell you, although there are obviously many celebrities “WHO” truly seem to be so much larger than life, many of them are living farces. Rather than using the massive platforms of their celebrity reach for the betterment of humanity, to the contrary, they squander if not abuse the responsibility that comes with that age-old adage: “To whom much is given, much is expected”.

Then we have the true humanitarians, some of whom happen to be celebrities. Anthony Hopkins is just that. Is he an amazing artist? Umm, DUH! Does he happen to co-star in one of my favorite movies? Umm, YAH! Is that why I am writing this entry in The Diary about him today? Umm, NOPE! Take heed of The Maestro’s most powerful words of a lifetime …

Let go the people who are not prepared to love you. This is the hardest thing you will have to do in your life and it will also be the most important thing. Stop having hard conversations with people who don’t want change.

Stop showing up for people who have no interest in your presence. I know your instinct is to do everything to earn the appreciation of those around you, but it’s a boost that steals your time, energy, mental and physical health.

When you begin to fight for a life with joy, interest and commitment, not everyone will be ready to follow you in this place. This doesn’t mean you need to change what you are, it means you should let go of the people who aren’t ready to accompany you.

If you are excluded, insulted, forgotten or ignored by the people you give your time to, you don’t do yourself a favor by continuing to offer your energy and your life. The truth is that you are not for everyone and not everyone is for you. That’s what makes it so special when you meet people who reciprocate love. You will know how precious you are.

The more time you spend trying to make yourself loved by someone who is unable to, the more time you waste depriving yourself of the possibility of this connection to someone else. There are billions of people on this planet and many of them will meet with you at your level of interest and commitment. The more you stay involved with people who use you as a pillow, a background option or a therapist for emotional healing, the longer you stay away from the community you want.

Maybe if you stop showing up, you won’t be wanted. Maybe if you stop trying, the relationship will end. Maybe if you stop texting your phone will stay dark for weeks. That doesn’t mean you ruined the relationship, it means the only thing holding it back was the energy that only you gave to keep it. This is not love, it’s attachment. It’s wanting to give a chance to those who don’t deserve it. You deserve so much, there are people who should not be in your life.

The most valuable thing you have in your life is your time and energy, and both are limited. When you give your time and energy, it will define your existence. When you realize this, you begin to understand why you are so anxious when you spend time with people, in activities, places or situations that don’t suit you and shouldn’t be around you, your energy is stolen. You will begin to realize that the most important thing you can do for yourself and for everyone around you is to protect your energy more fiercely than anything else. Make your life a safe haven, in which only ′′compatible′′ people are allowed.

You are not responsible for saving anyone. You are not responsible for convincing them to improve. It’s not your work to exist for people and give your life to them! If you feel bad, if you feel compelled, you will be the root of all your problems, fearing that they will not return the favours you have granted. It’s your only obligation to realize that you are the love of your destiny and accept the love you deserve.

Decide that you deserve true friendship, commitment, true and complete love with healthy and prosperous people. Then wait and see how much everything begins to change. Don’t waste time with people who are not worth it. Change will give you the love, the esteem, happiness and the protection you deserve.

{Sir Anthony Hopkins}

It’s as though I spoke these words myself. For the record, there is no song to accompany this post as is par for the course with my entries. His words are enough! If you hadn’t heard them before, I truly hope you will take them as deeply into your heart as they obviously came from his.

DROP THE MIC!

APRIL 26, 2021: “Down With The Fallen” …

Yes, my friends … I too have been in this place many times in my life: “Tired eyes barely open”, and crippled by countless promises broken. I have seen my share of fallen empires, and cried out to God on my hands and knees:

Umm, HELLO? Are You there? I can’t hear You. I can’t feel You. No, wait! I CAN’T FEEL ANYTHING AT ALL! I’ve lost my way YET again and don’t know what is real! WOULD YOU TALK TO ME PLEASE! Say anything. Anything whatsoever. Please just Light the way and show me where to go now, ‘CAUSE I’M DOWN WITH THE FALLEN AGAIN!

The answer I was searching for didn’t come easy to me because I WAS ONLY SEARCHING IN THE DARK! It wasn’t until I just let go and stopped looking for the answer that it came to me once and for all. Truth be told, turns out the answer had been there all the while, but I wasn’t seeing it because I wasn’t thinking like a blind man and was searching for it with my eyes, not my heart.

Listen, I know that none of this is easy. If you are alive, you are eons ahead in the game. Even if you’re only crawling – AT LEAST YOU’RE MOVING! Don’t give up. Keep looking for the Light, but don’t look for it with your eyes. Trust me – I KNOW THIS! You can only find the Light in the dark. Once you’ve learned to drive your spaceship through this Cosmos as blind as a bat in a box, not only will you find out that fear is only an illusion, but you were NEVER driving it alone!

PERSPECTIVE.

IT’S EVERYTHING!

And so are you my ghost rider friend! Now, get out there and MAN THAT SHIP like the cosmonaut you really are!

DOWN WITH THE FALLEN

Tired eyes, barely open. Crippled by a promise broken. I have seen an empire falling. Hopeless, can You hear me calling? Turn away from all that I know, burning this bridge behind me. Light the way and I’ll follow where You go. Can You tell me what is real? ‘Cause I’ve lost my way again. Can You tell me how to feel? ‘Cause I don’t feel anything now that I’m down here again. I’m down with the fallen again. Searching through the darkness below for a Light in seas of shadows far from You. But I could never abdicate. I’ll fight forever. Turn away from all that I know, burning this bridge behind me. Light the way and I’ll follow where You go. Can You tell me what is real? ‘Cause I’ve lost my way again. Can You tell me how to feel? ‘Cause I don’t feel anything now that I’m down here again. I’m down with the fallen again. I will not run. I will not fall. I will not bury it. This is war. {Starset}

APRIL 9, 2021: “Farewell My Prince” …

“The Duke Of Edinburgh”
(June 10, 1921 ~ April 9, 2021)

Prince Phillip was, still is, and will always be one of my favorite human beings. I have read about and studied his life incessantly, and although I’m not actual “royalty”, I have long felt a kindred pull to his spirit.

Countless hearts are broken and grieving his death today, as were those my initial reactions. But then I remembered who he was, what he accomplished, what a truly remarkable Phoenix he was, and the many ways his life intersected mine, Zachariah’s, and my son’s.

Was he perfect? NOPE! Not even close! WHO AMONGST IS? But someone once asked me that age old question: “If you could talk to ANY public figure, who would it be?”, and my answer was instantaneous: “There are only two: Ivan Moody and The Duke Of Edinburgh”. Now, that’s quite a divergent spectrum, right? But once again I’ve digressed …

Many people criticize, and assault the monarchy and it’s autocratic rule, but I do not. They are mortal human beings, just like all of us, each with their own “story” and unknown personal struggles. Prince Phillip lived his entire life like a blackbird in a gilded cage doing a job that no one in their right mind would ever sign up for.

Farewell, Godspeed, and Goodbye My Prince.

You will live on in infamy! Today, as always, I celebrate your life well-lived, so many jobs well done, and all the ways your your life touched mine. Here’s hoping you’ve FINALLY made it to The Moon and that one day I will get to sit and chat with you on The Brighter Side Of Grey.

APRIL 8, 2021: “How Do Ya Like Me NOW?” …

A friend posted this yesterday, and at first glance I LOVED IT, because in so many ways it’s true! Upon further consideration, however, this is where I landed …

Indeed there are those who “knew me a year ago” yet have no idea who I’ve become, but truth being told, there is a better than not chance it’s because I don’t WANT them to know me at all! Why is that you ask? I’ve either outgrown them, seen right through them, or GHOSTED them in my illustrious “growth dust” because they don’t DESERVE to know who I’ve become (with the exception of what they can read or hear online, which is usually either blatantly or cryptically about them. I have decluttered, detoxified, and “de-trashified” my very private bubble by 99.9% to less than couple of handfuls of people left who will ever “GET” to know me.

It’s terrible, I know it. But you see, queens don’t accept scraps, leftovers, and fake ass “less than” BULLSHIT from anyone. I’d rather be alone but not lonelyhere in my tower of hard-earned wisdom for the entire rest of my life on Earth then waste my fleeting, PRECIOUS life breath, energy and effort on anything less than EVERYTHING. To truly know me and my heart is to love me, and many have lost the high honor and privilege of access to my inner sanctum. They’re the “Umm, kinda really sucks to be you – SHOULDA, WOULDA, COULDA” flock of sheep I smugly laugh about and mock who will NEVER be allowed a re-introduction.

Damn, I’m such a biotch!

Sorry, NOT sorry, and I cannot say it enough! For those of you you who have been following my journey, here’s hoping you’ve learned to appreciate the “NICEST bitch you’ll ever know” I am, and more so than that, come to understand that it takes a hell of a lot of effort (OR a lack thereof) to end up on the cutting room floor of my life. I have fully forgiven every person who has forsaken me, but as gracious, empathetic and caring as I am – I’M NOBODY’S REVOLVING DOOR!

Here is something really REAL about me right now: Each night when I pray, I pray for every person, known or unknown, who hasn’t yet found their crown.

Dear God, please help those who haven’t yet discovered their true self-worth and value to finally open their eyes. I know You don’t make trash, but SO many of them think that’s what they are, so they don’t have the wings they need to fly the HELL away from people that don’t deserve them!

Yes, it’s true – I pray these words to Him every night. Whoever you are, wherever you are, and no matter when or how you arrived at this place where you don’t think you deserve the best of EVERYTHING, let me know share the “Real Cat” spin on the words to one of my favorite songs:

I’m NOT sorry for the demon I’ve become. You should be sorry for the angel you are not. I apologize for the cruel things that I did, but I don’t regret one single word I said. Just walk away, make it easy on yourself. Just walk away – please release YOURSELF from this hell. Just walk away, there’s just nothing left to feel. Forgive me if I ever told you that I cared. Are you now sorry that I NEVER shall be there? Please forgive me for laughing when you fall. I’m so sorry, but I clearly NEVER cared at all. Just walk away, make it easy on yourself. Just walk away, there’s just nothing that I feel. Just walk away, make it easy on us both. Just walk away, there was never any hope. Just walk away, you already know the deal! Just walk away and accept that ALL OF THIS is real. {Five Finger Death Punch}