Tag: death is nothing at all

AUGUST 22, 2021: “Everywhere” …

The Real Cat Williamson

Zachariah,

I don’t know exactly how to express what I am feeling right now, other than to just write these words of gratitude. Not a day goes by since you had to leave this place – two years ago this night – that we don’t see you, hear you, and feel you in every space we are, and I don’t think that will ever change. Even with all the things you broke, and the unspeakable ways you hurt us both in your literal insanity, I look around at “everywhere” and marvel at the life you left behind for us “from the ground up” from the broken pieces the people who were supposed to love you left you in.

It’s my truest prayer that you can still “see us” and you know we’re doing okay. No, better than okay. We’re not just QUEENS – we’re the ENIGMAS you loved back to life – even despite your own self. You’re in all our conversations, every one of our smiles, all the songs we sing, and the endless joy and laughter we embrace. The enormous light you left behind us has fully engulfed that last bit of your darkness, and now only “the brighter side” of your legacy lives on in every precious ounce of our grey.

It was an honor to call you ours, and only ever ours. It always was and always will be. Though you’re not physically “here” with us, you’re still everywhere, in everything, and I suppose that’s just the way it was supposed to be. You were one of our most beautiful seasons, but seasons must surely change. We love you. We miss you. We won’t ever forget you! We’ll just take you how we have you into the rest of our days on this Earth until we can see you again.

Today, we decided not to shed a tear. God knows that we deserve better. Instead, we’re just leaving some of your ashes at the pier, then have Red Robin teriyaki burgers in your honor.

~ Us

MAY 30, 2021: “No Matter How Long It Took” …

The Real Cat Williamson
“Joe’s Farm” ~ Piedmont, New Hampshire
Courtesy Of Bill Hower

… Somehow He Found A Way!

On this day, twenty-three years ago, I woke up not only in celebration of the first true love of my life’s 35th birthday, but even more so of the fact that it was on that day that he’d decided to take my then six year old son to a very special lunch and ask his permission to marry me. Little did I know that just as the clock struck midnight, one of the most beautiful souls to have ever crossed my path would be leaving this place in the Blaze Of Glory he truly was.

But here’s the deal …

Death is still nothing at all! At this point in my journey, I can’t even make myself cry tears of sorrow and grief for the many beautiful gifts I’ve had but lost. Now, does that mean I never cry? Of course not! I am only human after all. My tears these days are shed in an abundance of gratitude for everything I have “gotten to have” but lost. All too often, I literally fall to my knees and thank God profusely for the magnanimous ways He’s always “showing me” just how much He loves me. I get signs from random places, cryptic messages when I least expect them, messages in the fog, and even “letters and pictures” from virtual strangers (like the one of “Joe’s Farm” above).

Dearest Mine … I am writing to say how much I care for you and to say how much I want you to know me better. When you awoke this morning, I exploded a brilliant sunrise through your window hoping to get your attention, but you rushed off without even noticing. Later, I noticed you were walking with some friends, so I bathed you in warm sunshine and perfumed the air with nature’s sweet scent, and still, you didn’t notice me. As you passed by, I shouted to you in a thunderstorm and painted a beautiful rainbow in the sky and you didn’t even look. In the evening, I spilled moonlight onto your face and sent a cool breeze to rest you. As you slept, I watched over you and shared your thoughts, but you were unaware that I was so near. I have chosen you and hope you will talk to me soon. Until then, I will remain near.

I am your friend and love you very much.

Jesus

{Author Unknown}

… to which my response is this …

Dearest Mine …
I am writing YOU to say I know how much You care, and to thank You for letting me know YOU! When I awoke this morning, You exploded a brilliant sunrise through my window yet again, and YES you have my attention! Today, as always, I will bask in the warmth of Your Sunshine and the air I still “get to breathe” that You’ve perfumed with Your intoxicating scent. Each time You pass by, I cry out to You from my heart with joy for all those thunderstorms, paintings, and rainbows You’ve sent me. Tonight, as You watch me sleep, please continue to share Your thoughts. I choose YOU, and thank you for all the gifts, and signs, and messages. I AM AWARE AND WILL REMAIN NEAR.
I am your child and I love YOU very much as well!
Catherine

It’s Saturday, May 29, 2021. I’m both a miracle and a QUEEN to have laid the two kings of my heart to rest at such a relatively young age. Yet, here I am, very much alive, mostly sane, and filled with an abundance of Light, magic and gratitude for the precious time I “got to have” with them.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY KIRK MITCHELL BOONE! I loved you so. Always have. Always will. Today I could only smile as I cherished and celebrated the beautiful season of my life with you, one of the many masterpieces sent to me by The Master Artist of all. Knowing Him the way I do, I’ll see you BOTH on The Brighter Side Of Grey.

MARCH 7, 2021: “Seventeen Butterflies” …

The Real Cat Williamson

Every Christmas, my ex and his mom send a fresh wreath with little butterflies on it to our daughter’s grave. It happens every year faithfully since the very first Christmas without her, and their beautiful wreaths are something I always enjoy seeing as “me and mine” make our own treks to dress her spot with a basket befitting an angel.

But then? THIS year …

As par for the course, her dad brings the old wreaths for me to “do my thing” with them every year. It’s a labor of love that fills my heart with unspeakable joy, because for all she brought to me in a few short hours, taking them apart and piecing them into my own spring baskets just makes me feel so close to her energy. While I was on the phone with her dad this January, this conversation happened:

Hey, guess what I’m doing? I’m taking apart her wreath and getting ready to make the basket.
Oh, good! There’s seventeen, right?
Seventeen? Seventeen WHAT?
Seventeen butterflies. We add one every year, and this year she’d have been seventeen.

My heart hit the floor in the best kind of way. I had no idea that year after year, one by one, as I’d been carefully cutting those delicate butterflies from their wires and setting them on tissue paper until it was time for their final journey, there was yet another hidden picture waiting to be revealed in keeping with the sweet mosaic rhythm of my life.

JANUARY 17, 2021: “Dear God” …

The Real Cat Williamson

Dear God,

I just wanted to take a minute to say thank you. Like, as in, from the deepest places of my infinitely grateful heart … THANK YOU! Thank you for these beautiful memories tucked safely in the most sacred places of my mind, the overwhelming magnitude of which eclipse even the darkest hours I’ve walked through here on Earth.

For instance, THANK YOU for this epic rant from two years ago this day that has now become one of my go-to picker uppers on those rare occasions that I’m feeling down. It makes me smile, AND remember, that I really WAS married to a KING and I truly AM the luckiest woman on this Earth. To know him was to love him, and yes I still do, and I always will, until I see him again with YOU!

Yes, THANK YOU! Thank you that he was ours, and only ever ours, and for the bittersweet consolation in knowing that the foolish “family” that threw him away missed out on knowing one of THE brightest souls in any room and one of THE best men, husbands and fathers this world has ever known. Her “Zack of shit” was one of our truest treasures, and yes I take extremely twisted pleasure in knowing full well that despite the lies they must surely tell themselves as they look inside their empty mirrors, only WE got the privilege and honor of truly knowing the wonder of everything that was “him”. Thank you for this equally epic memory from three years ago this day. You know, the one where I found that ever-loving blanket I snuck onto her bed folded neatly on my desk with this ‘lil nugget of sarcastic wit that could only be served by one of my favorite phoenixes of all:

Yes, indeed, I’m a truly blessed queen that I should have this abundance of treasure to propel me forward, never backward, and keep this torch I carry into Your eternity burning as bright as bright can be! I love my life. Every single minute of it – the good, the bad, and even the very ugly. With as much love and adoration as could possibly be put into words from Your favorite brat of all …

… Me

JANUARY 8, 2021: “Leave Out All The Rest” …

The Real Cat Williamson

One year ago today we took the first bit of his ashes “home” to the Blarney Castle gardens, so when the memory of our trip popped up on Facebook, it prompted a sweet conversation with Christian. Although both the kids are doing much better now than they were a year ago when everything was still so fresh and raw and, he’s had a really tough time with Zack’s suicide. Not only were the two of them extremely close, but Christian had always said:

You two HAVE to stay together and happy forever … your relationship is the ONLY thing that restores my faith in love.

As you can imagine, August 23, 2019 jaded him even more than our life before Zack did. It was heartbreaking for me to watch their processes at the onset of this nightmare knowing that their Superman let them down in such traumatic and devastating ways. However, watching the miracle of transformation in each of their hearts and how they’ve both been able to forgive him for so much more than any of you will ever know is truly one of my greatest blessings.

Indeed it is true that I have an “uncanny way of taking the best parts of everything and everyone and leaving out all the rest”. I suppose the abundant and seemingly endless amount of grace I have for others is one of my best attributes, and I truly do always look for the best in everyone. But here’s the thing …

It’s not me,

IT’S HIM!

He’s the one who has graced me with grace and forgiveness, and His grace and forgiveness for the endless amounts of bullshit I’ve engaged in over the years is what I owe to others. Now, does that mean I’ll tolerate bad behavior towards me or mine? NOPE! Those days are gone for good! My boundaries are beyond firm at this point and there is absolutely no going backwards. This is how we choose to remember him … by taking only the pure joy and treasure he brought to all our lives in the years we “got” to have him.

One of the philosophical principals I adhere to the most is that of the famously paradoxical Heraclitus:

A man’s character is his fate.

I certainly hope there are as many admirable things about my character as there were about Zack’s that when my time comes, my legacy is as none the worse for the wear despite the many wrongs that I’ve done as his is. Indeed, in his INSANITY the man really fucked some things up before he left us, but guess what people? As for me and mine, we are mindfully and willfully choosing to carry only the very best parts of his character with us moving forward and just leaving out all the rest.

LEAVE OUT ALL THE REST

I dreamed I was missing. You were so scared. But no one would listen, ’cause no one else cared. After my dreaming, I woke with this fear. What am I leaving when I’m done here? So, if you’re asking me, I want you to know … When my time comes, forget the wrong that I’ve done. Help me leave behind some reasons to be missed. And don’t resent me, and when you’re feeling empty, keep me in your memory. Leave out all the rest. Leave out all the rest. Don’t be afraid. I’ve taken my beating. I’ve shared what I’ve made. I’m strong on the surface, not all the way through. I’ve never been perfect, but neither have you. So, if you’re asking me, I want you to know …When my time comes, forget the wrong that I’ve done. Help me leave behind some reasons to be missed. And don’t resent me, and when you’re feeling empty, keep me in your memory. Leave out all the rest. Leave out all the rest. Forgetting all the hurt inside you’ve learned to hide so well. Pretending someone else can come and save me from myself. I can’t be who you are. {Linkin’ Park}

NOVEMBER 19, 2020: “Carry On” …

The Real Cat Williamson

If you didn’t already know this by now, my daughter isn’t just any kid. She’s a real life superhero and I just can’t say it enough. No one will ever really know exactly what she has been through the last five or six years or how bittersweet this night is for us both. It’s the long-awaited series finale of her favorite show, “Supernatural“.

There aren’t enough words that I could write at this moment, because not only am I a raw and open wound after having watched it, I literally just don’t have them. What I can tell you is that if you click here you’ll go back to just over a year ago and catch a glimpse of what this show has meant to not just her survival journey, but mine. If if I had lost her, too, on the night that Zack left, I don’t know where in the actual hell I’d be now.

This show is the reason she was brave enough to reach out to the ImALIVE crisis helpline on August 22, 2019, when she began to realize that Zack, her “Bobby Singer“, was, indeed, going to end his own life that night and that’s why we still have her with us. So, yes, this night is bittersweet for both of us. But as I’ve told her all along … sometimes endings really are just beginnings.

Heaven ain’t just re-livin’ your golden oldies anymore … it’s what it always shoulda been – everyone happy, everyone together. It ain’t just Heaven, Dean. It’s the Heaven you deserve.
{Bobby Singer to Dean Winchester}

So, with that, I leave you now with the last two scenes from one of the most impactful eras of our lives. If you know our story? If you know Zack’s story? You’ll understand exactly what these two fictional yet poignant moments mean to me and my little girl.

SEPTEMBER 15, 2020: “The Dark Knight Of LIGHT” …

The Real Cat Williamson

Today, I intersected with another mom who has also buried a child, which turned out to be kinda cool! By now I hope you realize that my intention with this Diary is never to make you sad. “Sad” just isn’t for me, and although I’ve had more than my fair share of it, I choose not to dwell on it for too long. My intention here is only to remind you that we all have the power to earn an invisible cloak just like the one my favorite “not really a superhero SUPERHERO” dons! You know who I’m talking about, right?

BATMAN!

We’re all superheroes, my friends … some of us just don’t know it yet. I mean, let’s be honest – no parent should have to bury their child. It’s just not the natural order. None of us should have to bury anyone EVER! But having done so myself way too many times to count by now, then lived, survived, RISEN and THRIVED to tell about it? I’m here to tell you that although I didn’t quite realize it at the time, my tiny angel’s death was the catalyst to all the best and most endearing parts of what my human spirit could truly withstand and become.

I’m a living, breathing “Dark Knight Of LIGHT” who’s found the strength, courage, and determination to rise above the demons, conflicts, and chaos I’d internalized at different points that tried to take me down, which for the record, is exactly what makes Batman so relatable to me. He’s the only superhero of the historic thousands whose secret identity IS his mask. Whereas, Clark Kent and Peter Parker wear the masks of Superman and Spider-Man, Bruce Wayne is the mask for Batman. He’s a mortal “super human” hiding in plain site, with a list a mile long of perfectly matched villains that took him to the rails against personal weaknesses that eventually became his strengths.

Two-Face challenged the duality of his personality and the two different paths Fate offered. Poison Ivy challenged his struggle with lust and temptation. Scarecrow challenged his struggle with fear. The Riddler challenged the power of his mind. And Joker? Fuhgettabout it! The greatest fictional anarchist of all times held Batman for ransom against his longing for justice and order.

How awesome is it that a cosmic collision with another grieving mom not only made me smile, but also reminded of how effing proud I am of the cloak I wear that no one sees!

The “Dark Knight Of Light” … That’s me … AND you!

Never forget to remind yourself that YOU’RE a bad ass superhero who has triumphed over SO many things – regardless of whether anyone’s acknowledged it! We gotta keep shining our Lights on our OWN heads … because … it’s the right thing to do and we’re allowed to!

AUGUST 10, 2020: “A Tree For All Seasons” …

The Real Cat Williamson
NBKB0485

Dear Me,

Let me remind you of the words to that song he would sing to you:

There’s a light in you that tears me down to nothing. There’s an angel in your eyes. There’s a hope inside that you can make it better. You see right through my disguise. When it rains it pours, and everybody stumbles. I won’t let them bring you down. I won’t let you down when the seasons change. I won’t go down. I’ll fight through the pain. I’ll be there right by your side. I’ll never let them bring you down when the seasons change.
There’s a hope in me that I will die for something. Was the fire in my eyes? All this pain inside. Will it be this way forever? I can run but I can’t hide. When it rains it pours, and everybody stumbles. I won’t let them bring you down. When the seasons change and we’re in for colder weather, look for me on The Divide.

Don’t you see? None of this is about you! It has NEVER been about you! IT’S ABOUT THEM! Not just your babies … all the lives you’ll have touched before your time is done … if only for a season. Your greatest treasure and greatest triumph are in knowing just how truly insignificant you really are in the bigger picture of it all. Your “valuelessness” is your greatest value! Your “powerlessness” is your greatest power!

YOU’RE REACHING NIRVANA!

You are EVERYTHING … because you are NOTHING! You’re a pebble in the ocean making ripples of change for everyone whose path you cross on this journey. Your purpose is to just keep working the roots of this newer, healthier tree you’re trying to grow … free from the black toxicity that suffocated and broke all the branches of the tree that we came from. Just keep changing the story girl, ’cause the buck is only gonna stop with you, but only if you refuse to stop!

Love, ME!

MAY 30, 2020: “The Pain Is A Gift” …

The Real Cat Williamson

Please, God, let it be me! Let me be the one to have absorbed the last drops of poison that seeps within the rotting roots of our sick and dying tree so that the branches of my children and theirs will reach up to touch the Sun instead of digging down into hell.

{“Seasons Change“}

THE DANCE

Looking back on the memory of the dance we shared ‘neath the stars above, for a moment, all the world was right. How could I have known that you’d ever say goodbye? And now I’m glad I didn’t know the way it all would end – the way it all would go. Our lives are better left to chance. I could have missed the pain, but I’d have had to miss the dance. Holding you, I held everything. For a moment, wasn’t I a king? But if I’d only known how the king would fall? Hey who’s to say? You know I might have changed it all. {Garth Brooks}

JANUARY 17, 2020: “When You Walk With Angels” …

The Real Cat Williamson

IMG_1737

Last night I dreamt about Zack for what seemed like hours, one very real scene after another, but it wasn’t until Gia and I got in the car to go to school that she something that literally knocked the breathe out of me:

Mom, Dad was in my dream last night.

It was the same exact feeling I’d had “just before midnight” on August 22nd at that moment I physically felt him leaving this Earth. This time, however, I had the breathe knocked out of me in a good way. The incomprehensible juxtaposition of our two dreams was nothing, everything, and all of it, and let me tell you why …

SHE HASN’T DREAMT OF HIM SINCE “THAT NIGHT“!

She hadn’t seen his face or heard his voice. He’s just been gone. So, what are the chances that he would avail himself to both of us on the very same night in such a truly powerful way? It was no coincidence. It was him … and it was real!

Although she hasn’t told me what the dream was about or the specifics of his presence, I could see she that was even more at peace and relaxed than ever today. Whatever the nature of his visit to her may have been, it was clearly very real to her, as well!

Sooner or later she will “tell me everything”, and I’m beyond thankful for the bond I share with both my kids in this regard. It may be months or even years before she finally does, but it doesn’t really matter, because in this moment all I know is he was here to finally answer my most burning questions and let me know he’s still with me, still watching me, and isn’t not going anywhere.

For the record, he also said:

There’s something coming. Something huge. Something bigger than you can imagine. SOME “ONE”. You’re going to be okay. I love you, Catherine. I always did and always will. I’m sorry I hurt you both … I’m sorry that I left you this way … It wasn’t about you, it was ME … but you’re doing so good and I’m SO proud of you. Just keep doing exactly what you’re doing and believe that everything is going to be okay. Better than okay. I promise.

There were other very specific things he said about my future, all of which are now written on a piece of paper in my nightstand drawer that I will share with the small handful of people who are closest to me as a solid point of reference and accountability to their validity down the road if and when they do actually avail themselves in the manner in which he said.

So, what do you think? Am I crazy? Maybe I am! But hey, it is what it is! I believe in my heart that he’s still walking with me. THEY ALL ARE! My angels will always walk with me and their love is still very much alive. True love never dies … it just “slips into the next room” …

WALK WITH ANGELS

Love is alive – alive like a newborn child. Love is a war – broken and running wild. Love is a thief and it’s stealing our hearts tonight. You give it to me. You’ve given me all I need. You’re all I see. You’re all I wanted to be. Can you take me with you where you walk with angels? Where you walk with angels. Love’s around you now. You walk with angels wherever you are. You walk with angels …”  {Aaron Hendra}

DECEMBER 8, 2019: “Death Is Nothing At All”…

The Real Cat Williamson

Death

Last night, I stumbled upon the “memory” of a post I’d made on Facebook around the same time four years prior, December 8th, 2015. It was in reference to an annual visit I’d made to my daughter’s grave to deliver her Christmas flowers, and ironically, take a wild guess what I did yesterday afternoon? I made the annual visit to my daughter’s grave to deliver her Christmas flowers. This was what I’d posted:

I held an angel in my arms for 4.25 hours, who left my world as swiftly as she entered it, thus bestowing me the privilege of seeing her very first breath, and then her very last. When her heart stopped, so did mine, for what seemed like an eternity, and in that moment I just knew that all the Light from my soul had slipped with hers forever. Quite certainly I was wrong though, because I am still right here, with a shining heart filled with joy and peace that has healed where I never knew it was broken. You see, I am a woman who was blessed in the presence of two dearly departed at the moment their mortal shackles were released, not the least of which was my precious daughter as my hands gave her right back to Heaven. It took a minute, plus twenty twisted years, but I’ve since found the words “all is well” to be so much more than endearing. For both of them survive with me in every shadow before and behind, and I feel their presences fervently locked in the deepest chasms of my mind. I never got to hear her voice, yet I recognize it clearly, and his are the chords that fill my heart with memories, joy, and laughter. Perhaps the greatest of my bittersweet Earthly triumphs was that moment I realized I was speaking of, writing about, and taking flowers to their graves without a single shed of tear, reveling in the truth that in their crossing my God had not forsaken me, but had all the while been sowing the seeds of my truly blind faith, and granting my greatest freedom. While of course I don’t delight at the thought of our next inevitable relation, no longer do I fear Him. He’s but an Enigma who in one strange paradox both enlightens and ceases my need to comprehend. For in all my years living broken and whole at once, I’ve learned to grieve with hope, and all is truly well.

Meanwhile, here I am, having danced with Death yet again at what seems a lifetime later. Do you know what has changed in my relationship with either God or Death since my husband’s sudden departure?

NOT A SINGLE THING!

As I was driving to the cemetery yesterday, I was concerned as to how I would handle it, especially in that not a year has passed since Zack came into my life that I’ve gone there on my own. He stood beside me through everything, and never could I have imagined standing at her grave alone. Yet, as I walked towards her resting place, the most beautiful breeze washed over me. I swear to God I felt so at peace! No tears. No trauma. No aching in my heart or knot in my stomach. Just solace. I knelt down, put the flowers in her vase, took the deepest breath I could, and slowly released it back into an atmosphere that I’m certain they were present in – my first born daughter, “my blaze of glory“, and now, the one true love of my life!

Their deaths have neither broken, nor stolen from or vanquished me, and everything they were is still every wonderous thing I am. They’ve but “slipped away into the next room” with others I’ve lost along the way, and they’ll all be waiting for me when I get There. They continue to survive with me in every shadow before and behind with their presences forever locked inside what are now the even deeper chasms of my mind. The precious ensemble of their voices perpetually fills my heart with memories, joy, and laughter.

As I write this, I still marvel at my triumph. Yes, I am able to speak of them, write about them, and take flowers to their graves without a single shed of tear. Yes, I do continue to revel in the truth that in their crossing my God has not forsaken me. He only continues sowing the seeds of my even stronger blind faith, making me the truly freest woman I’ve ever known. While I still do not delight at the thought of our next inevitable relation, never will I fear Him … the Enigma who in one strange paradox continues to enlighten me while ceasing my need to comprehend. It’s been a long fifty years living broken and whole at once, but I continue to grieve with hope, with my eyes upon The Cross, and all remains truly well.

THE ANSWER

The lightning flashed as angels rode fiery chargers through the clouds. That answer scared me into tears and all the grownups laughed out loud. Now the years roll on, tired voices have all gone. Now they ride their thunder through the heavens. There’s a world in every drop of rain. Embracing oceans sweep us home again. Come along with me, come along with me. Seek the truth, you shall not find another lie. They say for every living thing there’s a guide up in the sky that helps you pass from world to world, so you never really die. Then with scythe and cloak Death comes waltzing to your side. As the visions pass you ask if there was meaning to your life. As you strain to hear the answer, spirits sing and devils fiddle as he bends to whisper in your ear, he leaves you one more riddle. Oh, the answer lies beyond the pain. All the questions in our minds, we surely ask in vain. Come along with me, come along with me. Seek the truth, and you shall find another life. And now my life is like a storm growing stronger every day. Like the unrelenting wind that comes to blow our lives away. So, I live each day like I know it’s my last. If there is no future, there must be no past. Now I know the answers never meant a thing and with each instant that I breathe I feel the joy that life can bring. Come along with me, come along with me. Seek the truth, you shall not find another lie. Come along with me, come along with me. Seek the truth, you shall not find another lie. {Richie Sambora}