JUNE 5, 2020: “Good Morning Vietnam!” …

I’ll do everything in my power to keep this as short as possible, but can’t make any promises. So, let me go back to the very first glimpse of the rabbit hole I almost fell in after an entire week of being chastised, reprimanded, scolded, and all but BURNED ALIVE ON A CROSS for voicing my opinions, feelings, views and support for the personal “bandwagon” I have jumped on amidst what I truly believe is “Atlas Falling“.

Let it be known that of all the punches I’ve taken the last few days, the worst was a comment by a now “former friend” who calls herself a Christian: “Wow, so glad to finally see you!” (Nope, it wasn’t a compliment.) Really? You “see me”? Tell me oh faithful and God-fearing woman exactly what you see? You SEE nothing! You KNOW nothing! Nothing of me, my heart, or my intentions. You heard me say “I love oranges”, then took it upon yourself to assume I don’t also love apples and pears! Who the FUCK are you to judge me by picking only the lines that best suit your “schooling” on my beliefs? Meanwhile …

Last night, 6/4/2020, around 5:53PM, THIS happened …

… which then led to THIS, also last night, around 8:00PM …

… and THEN THIS, around 8:21PM …  

… at which point I felt a little better and was able to fall asleep in peace. But alas, that victory was short-lived, because THEN I woke up to this …

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This particular Facebook “memory” could not have come at a worse time. I mean, seriously? I had just recovered from almost falling backwards less than eight hours prior, so I should have been all set, right? Yah, not so much. And let me tell you why …

I mentioned in an earlier post that it was Mother’s Day 2019 that was the beginning of his descent, but truth be told? It was more so THIS day, June 5, 2014, six long years ago, that truly earmarked the onset of his unravelling, which night still haunts me to this day! After we got home from our long-awaited day out, I’d been getting ready for bed I only to find him waiting in that bed in a state of transcendental being that I’d never really seen. He was so deep in thought, lost somewhere inside his own mind that only God will ever know where he’d gone, but this much I can tell you: “Where he went” must have been pretty dark. I could see it through the glaze in his eyes. He was so far away in a place that must have been so painful that he never even realized I was sitting right beside him. “Baby? Hello? Hello? Is everything okay? Where were you just now?” I had to physically push his arm to manage his attention. Much to my chagrin, however, when he turned his head to look at me there were tears rolling down his face. It’s one of the most heart-breaking visuals I have still yet to release from my own mind with an accompanying monologue I can still hear him saying in answer to my question:

“Catherine, I don’t think I ever realized ‘what I never had’ growing up until now. What she never gave me. What she never did for me, but she DID do for all of them. Going through all of this with you has been a blessing and a curse. She threw me away. They all did. Every one of them. It’s as though I just don’t exist. I wasn’t good enough for her. For them. They never wanted me. I’m nothing.”

So? After seeing that post this morning? I … just … COULDN’T! Six years ago tonight, around 9 o’clock pm, is when the earthly King who led me to all the best parts of myself that I needed to “become” started down the path to his fate. Despite everything he was battling inside and the next five beautiful years of joy he both experienced and brought to us, “that place” he went when he was sitting in that bed? He never really came back from it! 

IMG_2841There I was, just laying in bed this morning, unable to face the empty spot beside me where the most influential human man I’ve ever known once ruled the entirety of my being, so I turned the other way to avoid looking in that direction. Instead, however, I was fixated on the wall where the light seeping through the blinds that shroud the windows was trying desperately to reach me. I was somewhat paralyzed and too numb to even cry …

… until I picked up my phone yet again and saw THIS …

IMG_2822 which THEN led to THIS, around 10:54AM …

… and ultimately THIS profound conclusion: 

GOOD MORNING VIETNAM!

I’m STILL a fortress. I’m STILL a queen. I’m STILL the strongest bitch I’ve ever met with the GREATEST King of all that has never and will NEVER fail me! As par for the course, He’s already got this whole “Atlas is falling” thing figured the HELL OUT, and not just for me … FOR ALL OF US … even Zack! If I so much as “think about thinking about” letting this CASTLE I’ve become crumble, He bombards me with signs and love notes from His heart and reminds me that I am never gonna be all alone. Even as I write this, there are people I don’t know, places I’ve never been, and moments yet to be had being woven by the Master’s hands into the tapestry of my life!

“Help me … ’cause I can’t do this on my own!”

This morning He answered my cry with the most beautiful Molotov cocktail I’ve ever seen through a picture and the words of a stranger: “You fukin go kick ass today!!!!” So, with that, “I’m going back in” with everything He’s given me for the battlefield, including “words and validations” from total strangers, and everything IS gonna be okay!

HEAVEN HELP ME

“When I can’t find the words. When I can barely breathe. I’m falling on my knees. Heaven help me. Heaven help me. When I can’t feel You near, and I can’t hear You speak. I’m falling on my knees. Heaven help me. Heaven help me. Help me. Help me. ‘Cause I can’t walk this road alone, and I can’t do this on my own. Tell me. Tell me. I just need to hear You say that everything will be okay. When I don’t understand. When I don’t think I can. I know You have a plan, so Heaven help me. Heaven help me. Help me. Help me. ‘Cause I can’t walk this road alone, and I can’t do this on my own. Tell me. Tell me. ‘Cause I just need to hear You say that everything will be okay. Help me believe it. When I can’t see it. Help me to know it. When I can’t hold it …” ~ Zach Williams

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