I’ll do everything in my power to keep this as short as possible but can’t make any promises. So, let me go back to the very first glimpse of the rabbit hole I almost fell in after an entire week of being chastised, reprimanded, scolded, and all but BURNED ALIVE ON A CROSS for voicing my opinions, feelings, views and support for the personal “bandwagon” I have jumped on amidst what I truly believe is Atlas Falling.

Let it be known that of all the punches I’ve taken the last few days, the worst was a comment by a now former friend who calls herself a Christian:

Wow, so glad to finally see you!

No, it wasn’t a compliment. She heard me say “I love oranges”, then took it upon herself to assume that I don’t also love apples and pears. Who the FUCK is she to judge me by picking only the lines that best suit her schooling of my beliefs? Meanwhile, last night at around 5:53pm, this happened …

… which then led to this, later in the night, at around 8:00pm …

… which then led to this at around 8:21PM …

… at which point I felt a little better and was able to fall asleep in peace. But alas, that victory was short-lived, because THEN I woke up to this …

This Facebook “memory” could not have come at a worse time. I mean, seriously? I had just recovered from almost falling backwards less than eight hours prior, so I should have been all set, right? Yah, not so much, and let me tell you why.

I mentioned in an earlier post that it was Mother’s Day 2019 that was the beginning of his descent, but truth be told? It was more so on June 5, 2014, six long years ago, after having had to stay home and take care of me for a while that truly earmarked the onset of his unravelling. I’d been getting ready for bed I only to find him waiting in bed deep in his thoughts and lost somewhere inside his own mind:

Baby? Hello? Is everything okay? Where were you just now?

I had to physically push him to get his attention. When he turned his head to look at me there were tears rolling down his face:

Catherine, I don’t think I ever realized ‘what I never had’ growing up until now. What she never gave me. What she never did for me, but she DID do for all of them. Going through all of this with you has been a blessing and a curse. She threw me away. They all did. Every one of them. It’s as though I just don’t exist. I wasn’t good enough for her. For them. They never wanted me. I’m nothing.

Meanwhile, there I was laying in bed this morning and unable to face the empty spot beside me, so, I turned the other way to avoid looking in that direction. I became fixated on the wall where the light seeping through the blinds that shroud the windows was trying desperately to reach me. I was all but paralyzed, and too numb to even cry, until I picked up my phone and saw this …

 

… which THEN led to this at around 10:54am …

… and then ultimately this profound conclusion: 

GOOD MORNING VIETNAM!

I’m STILL a fortress. I’m STILL a queen. I’m STILL the strongest bitch I’ve ever met with the GREATEST King of all that has never and will NEVER fail me! As par for the course, He’s already got this whole Atlas thing figured out for all of us. If I so much as think about thinking about letting this fortress I’ve become crumble, He bombards me with signs and love notes from His heart and reminds me that I’m never gonna be alone. Even as I write this, there are people I don’t know, places I’ve never been, and moments yet to be had being woven by the Master’s hands into the tapestry of my life!

This morning, He answered my cry with the most beautiful Molotov cocktail I’ve ever seen through a picture and the words of a stranger:

You fukin’ go kick ass today!!!!

So, with that, “I’m going back in” with everything He’s given me for the battlefield, not the least of which is the Cosmic validation I needed in the words of total strangers. Everything IS gonna be okay!

HEAVEN HELP ME

When I can’t find the words. When I can barely breathe. I’m falling on my knees. Heaven help me. Heaven help me. When I can’t feel You near, and I can’t hear You speak. I’m falling on my knees. Heaven help me. Heaven help me. Help me. Help me. ‘Cause I can’t walk this road alone, and I can’t do this on my own. Tell me. Tell me. I just need to hear You say that everything will be okay. When I don’t understand. When I don’t think I can. I know You have a plan, so Heaven help me. Heaven help me. Help me. Help me. ‘Cause I can’t walk this road alone, and I can’t do this on my own. Tell me. Tell me. ‘Cause I just need to hear You say that everything will be okay. Help me believe it. When I can’t see it. Help me to know it. When I can’t hold it … {Zach Williams}