But alas, the “take down” was only temporary, as are all things in this life, right? I’d been doing so well until tonight. I know you all seen it, and, indeed, it is true, that I’m powering my way through all this wreckage like the true and risen QUEEN I know I’m becoming.

But I heard this song for the first time tonight at about 5:30pm while I was driving through a parking lot to run an errand. At which point I fell apart so badly that I had to literally pull my car into a space and just there and cry. And cry. And cry. And cry. For about two hours. At which point I made myself go to “get it together” and go the gym and get on the treadmill thinking that would “force me” to calm down. Which, it did, for one hour and ten minutes, on the tread mill. Turned on the Five Finger Death Punch and made myself stop being sad. Thankfully the three friends I reached out to all reached right back to me, which helped keep me grounded.

But when I got home and walked into our closet it started all over again. I’m not gonna lie, folks. THIS IS HARD! I miss him so much, every second of every day, and sometimes I just walk to his side of the closet and “hug his clothes” that are still hanging there so I can smell them.

One half of my person and everything I used to be is literally GONE. One of my friends pointed out to me that I probably “needed” this to happen. I NEEDED TO CRY! She was right, but you know what? GRIEF SUCKS! It makes no sense to me whatsoever. It’s as if he went to God and actually said these words, to Him, about me, because, these is exactly what he would say to anyone right now if he could actually say something. “Hold her for me.”

Tomorrow will be a new day, of this I’m all too sure. In the meantime, might I just repeat: GRIEF SUCKS! I know God is holding me … right now … this minute … as I’m writing this. I can feel Him. Zack is here with me, too. I can feel him. But, GRIEF SUCKS! Goodnight everyone. Please keep me in your hearts and prayers tonight because I am really struggling.

HOLD HER

She was holdin’ on so tight, but I had to say goodbye. She’s all alone tonight. There’s nothin’ I could do to make it right Is it ever gonna be, ever gonna be brighter? Is it ever gonna be, ever gonna be easier? Hold her tonight. Oh, God, would you hold her tonight? ‘Cause I’m not there to stay close Keep watch, tell her she’s not alone. Hold her tonight. We’re apart but not alone. My love for her is more than she could know. A secret place only we can go, and we’ll laugh while we will hope until we’re home. Is it ever gonna be, ever gonna be brighter? Is it ever gonna be, ever gonna be easier? Hold her tonight. Oh, God, would you hold her tonight? ‘Cause I’m not there to stay close, keep watch, tell her she’s not alone. Hold her tonight. Steady on, steady on, my love. This shall soon pass. Steady on, steady on, my love. This shall soon pass. Steady on, steady on, my love. This shall soon pass. Steady on, steady on, my love Hold her tonight. Oh, God, would you hold her tonight? ‘Cause I’m not there to stay close, keep watch, tell her again she’s not alone. Hold her tonight. Hold her tonight. Oh, God, would you hold her tonight? ‘Cause I’m not there to stay close. Keep watch, tell her she’s not alone. Stay close, keep watch, tell her she’s not alone. Hold her tonight. (King & Country)