MAY 31, 2008: “The Lost Realist” …


My independence is calling my name, a doubtful voice divides my faith. My independence only hesitates an unsure choice I can’t embrace. You’re gonna have to carve me, carve me from stone, right to the bone or I’ll end up alone. I’m paying the role of someone in control. Why do I rush to slow down? Why do I rush to slow down everything? Will the dice ever roll? When will I ever know? Will the plot ever twist, or will I still resist? I’ve been playing the part of a lost realist. My independence is turning the page, tomorrow comes we start to fade. My independence only complicates, it’s not enough to meet half way.  I only keep what I give away. {Trapt}

Why was he crying when we pulled away? I didn’t quite get that at all. Was he crying for her or because Christian was leaving too? Or did he somehow know that I was never coming home again? The distance between us is many light years by now so surely, it’s not me he’ll be missing. My roommate, my friend, my “hero” … My Peter. I mean he truly is all those things that I’ve said – self-made, hard-working and I’m pretty sure he’s been faithful. Nineteen years back and forth can’t have been a complete and total lie? But we are roommates, nothing more, nothing less. In my heart of hearts, I think I’ve always known that he never really wanted me in the first place. Maybe someday that’s what he will realize, too. We kill each other, sling mud at each other and rip open each other’s raw wounds. We were a cosmic, toxic collision right from the start and I’ve known this all along. I’ve stood in front of him and begged and pleaded at least a thousand times now, but he tells me to just go away. A slap on the face of all I wanted us to be. He’s said that those things were only said in anger but his actions, or should I say, inactions, always met his words. He lives in a place a million miles from me. So then why was he crying? Wasn’t this what he wanted – for me to just “go and not let the door hit me in the ass”? I’ve often said that he has never left my side, but that’s not quite true is it? I have been completely on my own where my emotional wellbeing is concerned, and he just thinks I’m a raving lunatic. “A pathetic, joke of a human being” he once said to me, “A huge fucking joke of a human being!” Oh God there goes my daughter. The limo is pulling away now and she is crying too. What I’m most scared of at this very moment is that the tiny dancer waving goodbye to her mom is in grave danger of becoming me! Is this what I want her to become? What if she turns 38 one day only to wake up and realize that her own reflection is missing? That baby will learn what she lives and will only become the woman I teach her to be! So how can I teach her to become a strong, healthy woman when I don’t know how to be one myself? How will I teach her to love herself when I can’t practice what I preach?