On this day, 34 years ago, another Italian girl released a not so lovey love song to her father:
Oh, Father, you never wanted to live that way. You never wanted to hurt me. Why am I running away? Maybe someday when I look back I’ll be able to say you didn’t mean to be cruel. Somebody hurt you, too. You can’t hurt me now. I got away from you. I never thought I would. You can’t make me cry. You once had the power. I never felt so good about myself.
No. No, he didn’t deserve to go through the epic levels of BULLSHIT he went through at his “mother’s” hands. But then again, NEITHER DID I! Why, then, was I made to pay for HER sins? Why, then were we ALL?
I guess I never really needed all that self-loathing, guilt, and shame to bring me to my knees. Nor did I need all that food I used to chain-swallow then release back into oblivion to become the knife I used to pierce my own heart and cut myself open from the inside out as I sunk into the darkness where the light that should have been my “father’s” unconditional love for me was supposed to go.
Yes, I vividly remember all those nights I prayed on my hands and knees and begged GOD to help him stop being so FUCKING angry, because maybe if he had been happy, everything would have been okay. He was anger … and sadness … and toxicity … and terror. He chose to live in a darkness that swallowed us all alive.
Mind you, this is a “man” who once took a 9mm out and whizzed bullets right past my mother’s face into the wall behind her.
This is a “man” who once prayed that his future granddaughter in law “thing” fell off the cruise ship we were on and drowned.
This is a “man” who recently sent his own daughter, me, a warning to “watch my back” for all the rest of the days of my life because he’s mad that I’m SICKENED over his abusive, neglectful, abuse of my mother and son and even grosser abuse of MY future daughter in law who he’s literally jealous of because she rightfully has the new first place spot in my son’s life and not him.
He CHOOSES to live in a darkness that swallowed us all alive and still does.
I’ve said it before and will say it again …
When there’s NOTHING but dead bodies left laying at your feet, you’re the last one standing and yet you STILL can’t figure out who the common denominator of destruction in your life, then that’s a YOU problem!
Now, I can only pray that somehow he’ll see the Light before he heads to the other side so that I can have a reason to cry at his funeral and not make a mockery of it in front of the very few people in this world who bought into his bullshit and charm and have any real feelings for him.
By the way, “father”, I know for a fact that you’ll see this today, so, hear this:
I’m NOT sorry that I’m NOT sorry that YOU will die all alone one day!
The Diary Of My Perfection 
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