APRIL 23, 2009: “There’s Nothing Like This” …


Dear Zack,

Okay so hi it’s me, your very best friend in the whole entire world, writing you this letter from deep inside this Level One fucking psychiatric hospital I am all locked up in. Remember me? Oh good then. So, how you doin’?

So let’s see. Um, this place is not at all what I thought it would be. Actually, I’m not quite sure what I thought, but whatever it was, this is SO not it. There are about 80 people here right now. Half boys, half girls. Um, yah, the “red tag boys” are all sex addicts. Ten of them, ages about 22 to 65. Creepy much? Of the women, um, let’s see. About 20 alcoholics, 10 drug addicts, 6 sexually traumatized by their fathers and/or grandfathers … oh, 4 sex addicted women. There are a fair amount, actually, 95%, that are being so beyond medicated that they’re walking around in a fucking daze. Then there’s me. As far as I know at this point I’m the only person here who is not being medicated with mental stuff. They have me taking some throat stuff to strengthen the tissues in my throat, which, by the way, is beyond fucked again. I was told by the staff physician this morning that since I am now on my second round of esophageal issues, especially being so close, that it is only a matter of time if I don’t stop this that I could really end up with cancer. They found something called a “Barret’s Ring” yesterday which from what I can decipher is a light pink tissue somewhere near the top of my throat which are basically pre-cancerous cells. That was pretty fucking scary news and of course, I have no internet access, so I can’t even Google to see if this is serious or not. The doctor says I will need to have this addressed when I get home. Other than that, I’m in good shape. My EKG came back today and was within normal range, although I did have a slight arrhythmia again. They’re trying to say that it could be due to a lack of potassium, I think they said, because I’ve not been eating well lately. They’re gonna scan me every week that I’m here to monitor it.

Anyhoo … So how’s my Zack? Exceedingly well I hope. Gosh, I so know that with your ADD you can’t have a 19-page long letter. But, but, but I have so much to fucking say. So, I don’t want to dwell too much on you, or my feelings for you. And truthfully, I have been able to somewhat put you out of my mind since I’ve been here. Except for something that has kind of been happening here. Well, let me explain. So, this place I am at is somewhat of a “ranch” style complex. We are in the middle of a dessert-type landscape but surrounded by an absolutely gorgeous mountain range. Right below our facility is a horse ranch that is not associated with The Meadows. Every day, several times, I walk to the back side of this one building so that as I’m looking over the railing, I watch the horses directly below. So now, this ranch has three large “pens” in the center which is divided into three equal parts. Looking down, all you see is the overall “square” of the pen, which is probably a half an acre in diameter, and within the square you can barely see the two fences that run down the middle and thus divide the square into 3 equal parts. Within each of the three parts are many different horses, all divided. So the first day I was here and coherent, I found the back ledge of the building and stood out there watching the penned horses for what seemed like forever. The middle pen and the right pen side … There are these two horses, one in each pen. I watched them very closely and noticed, very quickly, that they are in love with each other. Very much so. All day long, every day, whenever I go out there to stand and watch them … they are closely bonded and inseparable. They just stand there all day, right beside each other, but the fence separates them. They nuzzle, and talk, touch noses. Often they’ll run up and down the length of the fence together and “play”. They are happy together but separate. You can clearly see that these two creatures were made just for each other, but their “circumstances” have them in their own separate spaces. Oh my God, Zack, they won’t even leave each other to eat or drink for too long. As soon as they are both evidently desperate to eat, they walk away for as short a time as they can then hit the fence together as soon as their legs can get them there. It’s so fucking beautiful. It’s so fucking sad. It’s you and me. Well, at least that’s how I see it. There are really no words to describe how profound this experience has been for me. I guess you’d have to see it to understand. So then, Z, between “the horses” and your shirt, yah, so I guess I do think about you every single day then.

Well Baby Boy, guess it’s that time. Don’t want to bombard you with way too many words. It’s so not fucking fair to you at all. I’m about to go back out to the horses now. Who knows, maybe those two new friends of mine, Oh my God, those two magnificent creatures, will somehow show me the way to how exactly I’m going to have to let you go one day, and give you to someone else. That’s not to say, for the record, that I believe in any way that you are mine to give. I do not wish to own or “possess” you in any way, shape, or form. I’m speaking of what matters in my heart … you know, I knowthat kind of “giving you away”! So, I love you Zack. Always.

~ Cat