APRIL 28, 2009: “I Could Use Somebody” …


Okay Baby Boy. So now I am working out pretty much every day from 4:00 to 5:00. Of course I’ve already chosen my treadmill of choice, and, as usual, that’s where I end up every single time. So hanging on the walls in front of the cardio stuff are all these different “inspiration” writings. All different kinds … but this one I keep reading over and over. It’s kind of clarified and solidified to me the exact reasons why I love you as much as I do, and more specifically, what things you have either given or offered freely, to this broken and very lost human being. I’ve numbered them below:

(1) Yah, you have ultimately respected me, and tolerated a whole bunch of bullshit that was dumped right into your lap. You have at all times treated me, and helped me find a way to believe, that I am a worthwhile and valuable human being.

(2) Need I say more? You have shared so many precious and cherished things about yourself. You have opened your heart, your ears, and your arms … so that I could, in turn, communicate with you.

(3) Zack Williamson, while I do not in any way believe that you are either perfect or without fault, one thing I feel seething from your soul is kindness. Your compassion for me has been, again, OXYGEN. You have wanted and tried over and over to help me feel good about myself.

(4) Okay, so, yah, you have been honest with me, and I’ve been taken by the fact that you have been able to tell me what things I’ve either needed to work on or change. You’ve never really tried to blow any smoke up my ass, haven’t really sugar-coated a thing. Fuck, you even had the audacity to look in my eyes and tell me that my fucking hair was “all goofed up”. Who does that? Oh, wait, someone who’s honest. Oh and, yah, pretty much trust you more than anything I know. I don’t really trust much of anything, or anyone, and you know that. But I do trust you immensely and emphatically.

(5) Fairness? Hmm? At this point, I don’t really believe that we’ve had to deal here yet. However, based on what I know and believe about you, I am fairly certain that you are a fair man.

(6) Again, we haven’t really had to go here yet, either, but let me say this: The way that you handled certain decisions and circumstances as of late, I would have to label as pretty fucking responsible. You made some decisions and stood firm, to the extend that I would let you. For this I thank you Zachariah.

(7) Oh my God … Mr. Fucking dependability. Oh, I mean Zack Williamson. You haven’t let me down yet, and believe me, I’ve been waiting.

(8) Yah, I would say that based upon the fact that since the day you walked into my life, I’ve pretty much insinuated my crazy little self into every aspect of your life … and … you still haven’t run the fuck away from me …Yah Zack is patient with Cat (9) and exceedingly caring. Does Zack care about me? Um, just a minute … yah, he does.

(10) You have been, as of late, the “try to stay in the positive” ambassador of all things Catherine. You will not let me continue to dwell or loathe in the pity of my self, when I am in your presence. You refuse, continually, to let me even try to give up on me. Oh, wait, I think that this actually works in conjunction with (4) above, wherein my negativity was actually your very first open criticism, or rather, honesty to me.

(11) Number 11, Zachariah … for clarification here, please go back and refer to numbers (1) through (10) above. Read them over and over. Read them 75 times. See, pretty boy … and yah, God you are fucking beautiful to look at … but, see, these are the reasons that you mean more to me than my own fucking lungs or kidneys.

So good nite, Z.

Big hug … C

(PS) Um, I smoked my first cigarette last night. It just happened. I choked and they all laughed. Won’t be doing it again, I promise.