MAY 25, 2009: “Vindication” …

Spidey

VINDICATED

“Hope dangles on a string like slow-spinning redemption. Winding in and winding out, the shine of it has caught my eye. And roped me in so mesmerizing so hypnotizing. I am captivated. I am – Vindicated. I am selfish. I am wrong. I am right, I swear I’m right. Swear I knew it all along and I am flawed, but I am cleaning up so well. I am seeing in me now the things you swore you saw yourself. So clear like the diamond in your ring. Cut to mirror your intention. Oversized and overwhelmed, the shine of which has caught my eye. And rendered me so isolated. So motivated. I am certain now that I am – Vindicated. I am selfish. I am wrong. I am right, I swear I’m right. Swear I knew it all along and I am flawed, but I am cleaning up so well. I am seeing in me now the things you swore you saw yourself. So turn up the corners of your lips. Part them and feel my fingertips. Trace the moment, fall forever. Defense is paper thin. Just one touch and I’d be in too deep now to ever swim against the current. So let me slip away. So let me slip away. So let me slip away. So let me slip against the current. I am – Vindicated. I am selfish. I am wrong. I am right, I swear I’m right. Swear I knew it all along and I am flawed, but I am cleaning up so well. I am seeing in me now the things you swore you saw yourself.” ~ Dashboard Confessional

It happened on a Monday night at a hole in the wall pizza joint on Virginia Parkway in McKinney, Texas – “Brooklyn’s”. I could see that something was a little off with him and wasn’t quite sure what to make of it, but just chalked it up to everyday stress and just kept trying to lighten the mood with my silly jokes and wit. He’d finished ordering and paying for our pizza and returned to the table with this “look” on his face. It was serious. Something was wrong! Honestly? For a minute I thought he was about to say something like, “this relationship of ours is just too much, not working out and I think it would be best if we just go our separate ways.” But then, and I remember like it was yesterday and can still see his face looking at mine, and hear his voice, and his words, and feel the moment his hands reached across the table to take and hold mine:

“So, listen, I need to talk to you about something.” (At which point my stomach dropped … but then …) “You do know that I love you Catherine, don’t you?”

And so, I laughed back at him, “Oh you LOVE me, huh? Well I love ya too Williamson!”

“No, Catherine, this isn’t funny. Be serious for a minute and listen to me. I don’t just ‘love ya’. I. LOVE. YOU. I’m in love with you. IN LOVE WITH YOU! Really, I am. I’ve tried over and over picturing my life in every possible way without you being in it … and just can’t. So, yah, I love you.”

All I remember from that point on is my jaw hitting the table. And I cried. Of course, I cried. I’d already beaten him to that punch of course when I’d figured out that “I loved him” while I was away at The Meadows. The first morning I woke up there to any sense of coherency – I knew. I. Loved. Him! But I’d long resolved myself to the fact that we would NEVER work “that way” under any circumstances and was okay with “just being friends”. He was important to me … my eyes, my ears, MY HEART. My Williamson.

Monday, May 25, 2009: “Vindication” for BOTH of us and the first day of the entire rest of our lives. The black Spiderman suit I’d been wearing since the day I was born was falling to the ground in glorious, shredded tatters …

Sig