But alas, the “take down” was only temporary, as are all things in this life, am I right? I’d been doing so well until tonight. I know you all have seen it, and, indeed, it is true, that I am powering my way through all this wreckage like the true and risen QUEEN I’m becoming.

I heard this song for the first time tonight at about 5:30pm while I was driving through a parking lot running errands, at which point I fell apart so badly that I had to literally pull my car into a space and just cry … and cry … and cry … AND CRY. I was literally sitting in my car for two hours SOBBING, kinda like that time I was taken down in my own garage! Eventually, I made myself get it together, hit the gym, and GET UP on the treadmill thinking that would somehow calm me down. And? It did! For exactly one hour and ten minutes, I turned up the Death Punch and made myself stop being sad.

Meanwhile, when I got back home and walked into our closet it started all over again. I’m not gonna lie, folks. THIS IS HARD! I miss him so much … every second of every day … and sometimes I just walk to his side of the closet and “hug his clothes” that are still hanging there so I can smell them.

One half of my person and everything I used to be is just GONE! One of the sweet friends I’d reached out to for support wisely pointed out to me that I probably “needed” this to happen. I NEEDED TO CRY! She was right … I did. Even still, GRIEF SUCKS! It makes no sense whatsoever. It’s as if he went to God and actually said these words, to Him … about me … because knowing him the way that I do, these are the very words he would say to anyone right now if he could actually say something. “Please just hold her for me.”

Tomorrow will be a new day, of this I’m all too sure. In the meantime, might I just repeat: GRIEF SUCKS! I know God is holding me … right now … this minute … as I’m writing this. I can feel Him. Zack is here with me, too. I can feel him. But, GRIEF SUCKS! Goodnight everyone. Please keep me in your hearts and prayers tonight because I am really struggling.

HOLD HER

She was holdin’ on so tight, but I had to say goodbye. She’s all alone tonight. There’s nothin’ I could do to make it right Is it ever gonna be, ever gonna be brighter? Is it ever gonna be, ever gonna be easier? Hold her tonight. Oh, God, would you hold her tonight? ‘Cause I’m not there to stay close Keep watch, tell her she’s not alone. Hold her tonight. We’re apart but not alone. My love for her is more than she could know. A secret place only we can go, and we’ll laugh while we will hope until we’re home. Is it ever gonna be, ever gonna be brighter? Is it ever gonna be, ever gonna be easier? Hold her tonight. Oh, God, would you hold her tonight? ‘Cause I’m not there to stay close, keep watch, tell her she’s not alone. Hold her tonight. Steady on, steady on, my love. This shall soon pass. Steady on, steady on, my love. This shall soon pass. Steady on, steady on, my love. This shall soon pass. Steady on, steady on, my love Hold her tonight. Oh, God, would you hold her tonight? ‘Cause I’m not there to stay close, keep watch, tell her again she’s not alone. Hold her tonight. Hold her tonight. Oh, God, would you hold her tonight? ‘Cause I’m not there to stay close. Keep watch, tell her she’s not alone. Stay close, keep watch, tell her she’s not alone. Hold her tonight. (King & Country)