Each day that passes is drawing me closer to something spinning hopelessly out of control. My day of reckoning is fast approaching and may be just around the corner. I can feel the ripples just beneath my skin as my realities are boiling to the surface. The unrelenting knot in the pit of my stomach and heart is getting tighter with each day that passes and it’s getting harder for me to breath. I am shaking, anxious, and, oh, yeah, a total fraud!  Just up ahead, I think I can see the front of the proverbial bridge, but how can I make my legs actually move across it? If I actually make it across, what there will I find? Are there secrets about myself and even my “seemingly perfect childhood” that are still yet for me to discover? We shall see. Dearest Catherine, “Queen OfPerfection”, surely you can perfect this dance?

(“The Real Life” … April 8, 2008)

Well, then how about an angel? Can You send me another angel? Preferably one who’s more than two feet tall and older and wiser than 15? Someone I can talk to. Someone who will listen. Someone who wants to hear what I have to say. Someone to hold me and remind me that I’m alive. Someone who will look beyond my surface and find the broken little girl hiding inside my soul. Someone who doesn’t think I’m whining, or dramatic, ungrateful, and pathetic. Someone who doesn’t think I’m just a crazy fucking bitch, or that all the “things” I have should preclude me from feeling pain. Someone who’ll accept my broken heart and all my darkness and not hold “me” over my head. I NEED A HUG! Can You send me a hug? Or a kiss? Or a touch? Will anyone ever want to touch me? My perfection is a grand illusion and I the master illusionist! YOU AND I BOTH KNOW IT’S TRUE. I’m wandering aimlessly here, God, behind the walls of my beautiful castle, with my hands pressed hard against the windows. I’m still looking for that sign, and I still believe there’s a chance. Hey, I’m leaving for France tomorrow. Maybe I can just leave some of my baggage there?

(“Away From The Son” … May 30, 2008)

… and in the spirit of keeping accurate, sound, and truthful accounting records of my life, I misspoke. “June 28, 2008 was the first time I’d heard of either 3 Doors Down OR the song “The Real Life”. Although I’d written my “Hey, God? It’s me, Cat” letter on May 30, 2008, just a month before running away to France when I first heard “The Real Life”, I later went back and paired “Away From The Sun” with that Diary entry. Either way, this man, this band, and his multitude of powerful lyrics and beyond faithful testimony are, indeed, why I’m still hanging on here today.

🖤

Dear Brad,

Well, you’ve done it, man. It’s your time. You’ve made it back Home CLOSE to The Son! Now, we’d love for YOU to keep US lifted up in prayer every chance you get. GOD loves you …WE loved you … SEE YA!

~ REAL Cat