FRIDAY, MAY 29, 1998.

It was the eve of his 34th birthday, and he started the day by making good on his promise to pick my son up from school, meet his teachers, then take him out alone for the very first time so they could have an important talk. So, he took him out to lunch, told him he wanted to be a permanent part of our lives, then asked his permission to marry me. It was a powerful and PIVOTAL moment for all of us, and Christian was beyond excited.

When their date was over, he took Christian to my mom’s then returned home where I was already getting ready for his birthday party that night. We had originally planned to ride out on our separate Harleys and meet up with some friends for dinner, but my bike wouldn’t start, so we rode out on his bike to the The Blue Goose in Addison where they were waiting for us. We celebrated all night long and he excitedly told everyone that we were getting hitched!

After dinner, he wanted to go play pool, so we all gathered out front of the restaurant to caravan in the cars that were available since none of the boys had any business driving anywhere. We wanted them to leave the bikes at the restaurant, take the available cars to The Fox & The Hound, then return to get them later when they were sober. He kept insisting that he wasn’t drunk, though, and refused to leave that fucking devil bike behind. Before I knew what was happening amidst the chaos, I turned my head to see him and his friend sitting on their bikes revving the engines. I ran towards his bike frantically begging and pleading him not to go, but the bikes were so loud, he was beyond inebriated, so, he didn’t even notice, much less hear me. As they pulled out of the parking lot and made their way up Belt Line Road, I swear I knew I’d never see him alive again.

Just Past Midnight, May 30, 1998.

Not long after, he hit a brick wall, less than half a mile from our destination. He wasn’t wearing a helmet, and it was estimated that he’d been going at least 90mph. Once again, my life was as mangled as he was. That first true king of my heart, who up until that point was the only man other than my son who I’d ever truly loved, been loved by, or let see me “naked“, rode off with my heart hin a “Blaze Of Glory”.

SILENT LUCIDITY

Hush now, don’t you cry, wipe away the teardrop from your eye. You’re lying safe in bed. It was all a bad dream spinning in your head. Your mind tricked you to feel the pain of someone close to you leaving the game of life. So here it is, another chance. Wide awake you face the day! Your dream is over or has it just begun? There’s a place I like to hide – a doorway that I run through in the night. Relax child, you were there, but only didn’t realize and you were scared. It’s a place where you will learn to face your fears, retrace the years, and ride the whims of your mind. Commanding in another world, suddenly you hear and see this magic new dimension. I will be watching over you. I am gonna help you see it through. I will protect you in the night. I am smiling next to you, in silent lucidity. If you open your mind for me you won’t rely on open eyes to see. The walls you built within come tumbling down, and a new world will begin. Living twice at once you learn you’re safe from pain in the dream domain – a soul set free to fly. A round trip journey in your head. Master of illusion, can you realize? Your dream’s alive, you can be the guide but … I will be watching over you. I’m gonna help to see it through. I will protect you in the night. I am smiling next to you in silent lucidity. {Queensryche}