I was at the Social Security office today handling the business that no one ever really wants to handle: “Widowed. Meanwhile, while I was waiting for my number to be called I decided to clean out my wallet because not only was I bored out of my mind, there was no wi-fi there, so, tag, “cleaning out my wallet” was it!

So, guess what I found tucked tucked away in a space in the wallet that I didn’t realize existed? A love note from my husband that he had hidden for me to find! As shocked as I was, I wasn’t really that shocked at all. It wasn’t uncommon for him to do things like this. I have an entire treasure trove of the cards and love notes he would hide for me during our season.

For richer or poorer. For better or worse. In sickness and in health. Until death did us part … and EVEN beyond?

You see, that was just his way. He wanted me to know I was his queen and how grateful he was that it was I, and no one else, who gave him the love, family, and only real home he’d ever had and had been searching for all his life.

He gave me this wallet on Valentine’s Day last year, and looking back I do remember both the referenced back pain and the argument I’d had with my mom. So, he must have hidden it sometime at the end of March. My husband was, indeed, struggling at that point and slowly descending downward, but there were still very clear traces of “him” that existed. Someday, when I’m ready, I’ll go back and revisit “the descent“, but in the meantime …

Yes, I’m a warrior. Yes, I’m “a survivor”. But even warriors cry, and you know what? THAT’S OKAY! What kind of queen would I be without moments like today that I literally cry my eyes out to the point of nausea because I miss my fallen king, who lost his damn mind, and left me all alone on this throne that he gave me with a broken heart and a hurting and traumatized princess? I’d be a pretty heartless one I suppose. One thing I know for sure about myself is that my heart is bigger than the ocean. I’m an empath, to boot, so, yes, sometimes I cry. But then I wipe my tears, straighten my crown, yes, my life must go on! I’m pretty stubborn that way if you haven’t figured it out by now, and also? GOD! Just God. I know He was crying with me this afternoon, and I know he was smiling when I got right back up the way I did! “That’s my girl”, He said, and hopefully so did Zack. I am loved. Still. Always. Eternally.

LIFE MUST GO ON

Sitting alone in the cold of the night. You’re trying to find what you need to survive. You’re so afraid you can’t go on. Left in the silence that tears at your heart. It only reminds you how broken you are. You’ve lost your way, but Hope is not gone. ‘Cause the Sun always sets. The moon always falls. It feels like the end – just pay no mind at all. Keep rolling. Rolling. Life must go on. Do you remember and long for the past? When love was eternal, and joy seemed to last? Yesterday. Forever is gone. ‘Cause the Sun always sets. The moon always falls. It feels like the end – just pay no mind at all. Keep rolling. Rolling. Life must go on. It must go on. We have our misfortunes. The darkest of days. We must endure and keep strong. Just look to the morning. The promise awaits. And know that this life must go on.” {Alter Bridge}