Tonight I watched an episode of “This Is Us” that took me to the ground again, then way back up again, within a very short emotional roller course of less than sixty minutes. Not only was it one of our favorite shows to, but like so many others who watch this series, we were both connected to several of it’s characters. This scene, though? It gut punched me in every worst and worst way possible, but really had me at …

They don’t wanna hang out with us anymore. It’s moving really fast. … We only have a few more years together under the same roof … a few more years where we get to be a part of their daily lives. And then what? They’re gonna move out.

And therein lied the problem that is far too complicated to explain, but sufficed to say that the mere thought of losing Gia permanently is what really started pushing him over the edge.

As you may know, long before August 22, 2019 when Zack turned our world upside down with the most egregious exit possible, Gia had been on a downward descent of her own for several years. Someday I will revisit in greater detail that sobering night in November 2018 when during a random a spot check of her phone after she’d gone to sleep, Zack walked into our room with a look of doom, dread, fear and panic on his face like nothing I’d ever seen. He’d found that she had searched “I don’t want to live anymore” and “I think I want to kill myself”. Our world came to a frozen halt.

{“Fight On Fighter“}

Zack had always said he didn’t think he could survive losing either one of us after having been abandoned by not just his mother, but virtually everyone he’d ever loved. I now realize that he really meant what he was saying in those cryptic conversations:

I only have five years left with her, and then she’ll be going to college. It seems like a lifetime when she’s only gone for two days, so what’s going to happen when she’s gone for months at a time? And then gone for good? Even just thinking about it makes me physically ill, and I don’t know how I’ll survive it!

(“King Of The Supermen“)

But now let’s back up to yet another tender moment we’d shared together as a family just a few years earlier, and how this song from that moment ties in to this Diary entry.

The movie was Trolls, which was one of his absolute favorites, and it was the water-color handprints hanging on the cabin wall that set the whole tone for the “This Is Us” scene that immediately brought me back to the day we saw Trolls. If you’ve ever seen it, you know that it ends with this song, and like many other families who’ve watched it together, the three of us just sat there hand in hand and sobbing as it played. All I could think of was my seemingly impermeable “tower of strength” husband being reduced to rivers of tears at a children’s movie. I saw his true colors shining through, but he’s the one who helped me find mine … and “that’s why I loved him”. After all was said and done, it was the many true colors of our love that defined the story of “us”.

TRUE COLORS

You with the sad eyes – don’t be discouraged. Oh, I realize it’s hard to take courage. In a world full of people, you can lose sight of it all. The darkness inside you can make you feel so small. Show me a smile, then don’t be unhappy. Can’t remember when I last saw you laughing. This world makes you crazy, and you’ve taken all you can bear. Just call me up ’cause I will always be there. And I see your true colors shining through. I see your true colors, and that’s why I love you. So don’t be afraid to let them show. Your true colors – true colors – are beautiful. I see your true colors shining through! I see your true colors, and that’s why I love you. So don’t be afraid to let them show. Your true colors – true colors are beautiful – like a rainbow! Oh! I can’t remember when I last saw you laughing. This world makes you crazy, and you’ve taken all you can bear. Just call me up, ’cause I will always be there. And I see your true colors shining through. I see your true colors, and that’s why I love you. So don’t be afraid to let them show. Your true colors – true colors – are beautiful – like a rainbow. {Justin Timberlake & Anna Kendrick}