Wow, Cat! Gia is such an amazing young woman! She’s wise beyond her years and so mature! You must be so proud!

Gulp. If only you knew how many times I’ve heard those words or the depth of the sucker punch to my soul I feel every time I hear them. Yes, she’s wise beyond her years. Yes, she’s more mature than some of the most mature adults I’ve ever known, up to and including me. You see, having a child who through no fault of their own had to walk through the fallout of the “childhood” you shattered and thus “mature” much sooner than their peers isn’t exactly something to be proud of.

It goes like this …

Sometimes time they’re too quiet, or God forbid totally silent. This is because they’re often lost deep inside their own mind trying to navigate the wreckage you drove their little tricycle through. And they won’t tell you, because even though you might “understand”, in keeping with the empty toolbox they lug around that you half-assedly loaded, they had to just figure things out on their own while you were busy fucking things up for them. This is also why they try to solve problems on their own and refuse to ask for help from anyone, much less you, which subsequently wears them out to the point of constant fatigue, to which end they can’t even imagine what’s happening inside their own body or why they can’t seem to get their mangled wings to fly.

Mentally.

Physically.

Emotionally.

NEUROLOGICALLY!

They’re forced to live within a burgeoning insanity while simultaneously being over demanding and hyper critical of themselves and trying to redirect all the hard wires in their psyche that you stripped. This, of course, can cause them to distance themselves from people, which, too, tends to make them feel empty, alone, and wholly unable to ever really let their guard down, but they usually won’t tell you how they’re feeling. They’ll just show you and the unsuspecting world what they’re either feeling or not feeling by remaining quiet, stoic, “wise beyond their years”, and “mature”. Meanwhile, they’ve become so familiar with all the chaos, turmoil, and accompanying anxiety served to them by the people who were supposed to be protecting them that the truly foreign concept of feeling calm and relaxed seems unsafe. None of this, by the way, is because they’re too weak to handle things. It’s as a result of continually experiencing things that their young minds were never meant to be prepared for, and sometimes even having to “parent” YOU! Oh, and by the way, as I went back to proofread what I just wrote, it just hit me like a ton of fucking bricks that I am literally describing “it goes like this” from my own firsthand experience of being a child living in “this picture”. But I’ve digressed, as usual …

So, then, now you’re asking yourself, “What does any of this have to do with an “irrepressible shirt” or this song? Well …

Music has the ability to evoke a wide range of emotions in listeners, from joy and excitement to sadness and contemplation. However, some of the most powerful and impactful songs are those that come from a place of vulnerability and emotional honesty. These are the songs that cut deep and resonate with us on a personal level, sometimes even bringing us to tears. One song that stands out as a shining example of emotional honesty is In This Shirt by The Irrepressibles. The lyrics of ‘In This Shirt’ convey a deep sense of longing and heartache, exploring the complexity of love and loss in a way that is both raw and beautiful. Lines such as “In this shirt, I can be you / To be near you for a while” speak to the feeling of isolation and despair that can come with heartbreak. One of the most powerful aspects of the song’s lyrics is their ability to paint a vivid picture of the emotions and experiences that inspired them, while still leaving room for interpretation and personal connection. Jamie Irrepressible has stated that he drew on his own experiences of heartbreak and loss to write the song and, by doing so, he create something that speaks directly to listeners’ emotions. The themes of vulnerability and emotional honesty are central to the song, and they are reflected in the music itself. The soaring, operatic vocals, combined with the lush orchestration and delicate piano lines, create a sense of intimacy and emotional intensity that is almost overwhelming. It’s a song that demands to be heard, and that invites listeners to explore their own feelings of vulnerability and emotional rawness.

(“Songtell“)

Did you catch that? “Music has the ability to evoke a wide range of emotions in listeners“. That’s what I’ve been screaming for years! Musicians are the wizards God sends here to help ZAP “us” out of “us”. For me, this particular musician is a killer and I cannot listen to this song without sobbing for my kids’ lost childhoods. As soon as it begins, I literally imagine myself slipping on the worn and tattered shirt that’s a metaphorical remnant of what was supposed to be the happiest days of their lives, then sitting atop a faded rainbow and grieving for them. Yes, my childhood was shattered, too, but, oh, how different things could have been for all of us had they not been forced to walk across my broken pieces.

So, with that, I’ll close with this …

I once read a quote that said, “Never let your storm get your kids wet”. Well, this is me after finally forcing myself to SIT in the storm I rained upon the two people in the world I was charged to protect the most in a shirt dripping with tears of guilt and shame. Yes, I’ve forgiven myself for my many failures as a mother. Yes, I believe they’ve forgiven me, too. Nevertheless, if there’s just one song that’s meant to be a poignant reminder of what we’ve all been through together, then so be it. Pray God that my babies’ babies won’t, too, be sitting atop a faded rainbow of their own one day in my irrepressible shirt and that this season of change holds steady.

TO MY BABIES:

Once you’ve finally had the time and space to read through this “feeling kinda sorry for myself” soliloquy, know that it’s from a place so deep within my heart that even with all my seemingly endless words, I really have no words. Although for some reason you both seem to have forgiven all of us for totally obliterating your “childhoods” and forcing you to choke on an endless stream of “sugary piss water“, it doesn’t mean I don’t still carry that guilt and shame with me like a cross. It’s okay … I earned this cross and maybe I was meant to have to carry it to remind myself of not only where I came from, but mostly where I want you to go. Please break this cycle for my grandbabies. I love you both and I’m sorry.