Dearest Me,
“Is this the place that we called home to find what we’ve become? Walking along the path unknown … we’ve lived, we’ve loved, we’ve LIED! Deep in the dark … we didn’t think we “needed” The Light … or that the ghost inside us belonged to the other side.”
(Words adapted by Bad Omens’ “Specter”)
Looking back, it literally blows my FUCKING mind how many heaping piles of toxic, twisted, and dysfunctional behavior – ironically most often at all the places I was forced to not just believe, but tell other people were “safe and loving homes” and thus perpetuate the disgusting “FAUXrytales” that the powers that were my life needed to be perpetuated at risk of “what would people think if they knew the truth?” For years I choked on silence and secrets amid the ABUSE, CHAOS and VIOLENCE that was my childhood and is now still my adulthood to protect the image of the PERFECT family “behind the gates”!
Guess what, though?
THAT version of me is gone! She’s as dead as the specter who still roams the corridors of my mind as a reminder of how we got here. I’ve GOTTEN to learn the VERY hard way that losing people who send wrecking balls through the walls of my heart and the places me and mine dwell is not a loss – it’s TOTAL freedom – and I’ll never betray or “ghost” myself with silence and lies again!
And so, with that … YES! Yes, i AM the angry daughter … ever the work in progress … and I’ll STAY this angry until my MY daughter has finally moved THROUGH all the anger she inherited from both me and the generations before and is now wielding like a torch through her own haunted spaces … just like her momma … so that someday HER daughter (who I carried within MY womb, by the way) won’t ever have to stay angry for longer than is necessary to keep the specter of herself at bay … unless, of course, like me, she decides to pull out its little diamond studded leash and walk proudly with it like a wild and beautiful BEAST with MY fire in her eyes and resilience coursing through her veins!
The Diary Of My Perfection 
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