Ten years ago this day, one of the sweetest and most powerful songs of my story was released: “All Of Me“, by Jon Legend.
With that, it’s only fitting that I reveal one of the most regrettable and embarrassing things I’ve ever done in my life. Oh, don’t get me wrong, “the 32 dresses” regret will always be at the very top of my list, but I spent an EXTRA regrettable and embarrassing amount of time trying to be someone I wasn’t. This is saying a lot, by the way, as I have not hidden the fact that I’ve done some really boneheaded things in the last fifty plus decades.
As I look back now, I realize that I’ve always had a spunky personality and loved making people happy … BUT … for way too many years to count, I was just a dimmed down version of “all of this”. As I look back even further, I also realize that contrary to what I’ve often said, no, I have never been truly “voiceless”. I have, however, been filtered. Meanwhile, the former “make sure everyone ELSE is happy, even if it costs you your own happiness” version of myself wasn’t – fucking – REAL! As it turned out, there was a MUCH better way of doing this “who am I supposed to be” thing all along …
I JUST NEEDED TO BE “ALL OF ME”!
These days? If someone wants to so much as breathe the air in my atmosphere, the deal they have to sign up for is ALL OF ME – the good, the bad, the ugly, and the often excruciatingly annoying – or Jean-Claude Van DAMN nothing at all!
So, Cat, is life up there in your shiny, happy queendom ever kinda lonely?
Umm, nope! HELL, NOPE! Trust me when I tell you that the drum to which I beat that only I can play, hear, and understand is loud enough to entertain me from now until eternity, and it is, indeed, possible that I will remain happily alone, but definitely not lonely until the bittersweet and beautiful end.
One of my truest wishes is that ALL OF YOU master this priceless mental wealth hack that I personally used to free myself from my mental institutionalization. PLEASE just tell the world (and even yourself when necessary) to JUST FUCK OFF when “what’s best for them” isn’t every single piece of you. Other than Brooks Hatlen from The Shawshank Redemption, I don’t think I’ve ever known of anyone who actually wanted to stay in prison, but I’d be lying if I said that being comfortable “behind walls” wasn’t the first forty years of my life.
More so than “all of that”, yet another one of my mental wealth hacks came in the form of understanding that in order for me to allow myself the full extent of grace I needed to heal all the broken pieces of my spirit, I had to STOP compartmentalizing the most damaged parts of me and keeping them stored in a box. The truest grace I’ve ever found came from learning how to love myself WHOLE, not just in pieces, just the way God loves “all of us”! I can’t just pick and choose which parts of me to love … I HAVE TO LOVE ALL OF ME … because that’s what unconditional love is!
If you’re not surrounded by people and a YOU who can’t handle ALL OF YOU at face value, then take your REAL face – the good, the bad, and the VERY, very ugly – accept it, own it, be proud of it and in love with it, then go on and SHOW IT TO SOMEONE ELSE! Hey, look, if the ALL OF YOU you release from your very own personal Shawshank is too much for the world to handle and you find your “people pickins” are slim, just remember …
JESUS LOVES ALL YOU!
(The good, the bad, and EVEN the very ugly.)
(PS) If unlike me, you don’t sport a sailor’s mouth, you don’t literally have to say “GO FUCK YOURSELF”. Sometimes just walking away silently is even nastier than an eff bomb.
As and aside, I thought that it was only fitting that I mention that the song “All Of Me” fits so perfectly with the theme of this post. Exactly three years ago today, my Mona Lisa had her very first dance to this song. Not only has my daughter already become well accustomed to not accepting anyone who doesn’t accept ALL OF HER at face value, so, too, did that king of mine love me just like I am. I cannot tell you how many times he “1-2-3’d (I – Love – You)” my hand as he’d sing these words to me:
What would I do without your smart mouth drawin’ me in and you kickin’ me out? You’ve got my head spinnin’ – no kiddin’ – I can’t pin you down. What’s goin’ on in that beautiful mind? I’m on your magical mystery ride, and I’m so dizzy – don’t know what hit me – but I’ll be alright.
Indeed, it’s true … the man loved ALL OF ME … win, lose, or draw … and never will accept anything less than that bar he left set so high. NEITHER SHOULD ANY OF YOU!
The Diary Of My Perfection 
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