FEBRUARY 4, 2021: “In My Mind’s Eye” …

Earlier today, a friend of mine posed this question on his Facebook page …

What’s the best piece of advice you’ve ever received?

Wow! Just WOW!

The answer came to me INSTANTLY!

It was December 1995, and I was just then learning about grace, forgiveness, JESUS, and that I could have a close and personal relationship with Him. I was at the forefront of the almost 20 year process of internally crumbling then coming back together, trying so hard to find a way to hold on because I was just so lost and broken. I’d joined a great Bible study, and one night after attending, a friend of mine who knew I was struggling, but even more so having a really hard time with the concept of “faith” in someone I couldn’t see or touch, gave me one of the most precious gifts I’ve ever received – the DC Talk “Jesus Freak” CD. He asked that I listen to the last track first – “Mind’s Eye”. So, I popped it in my stereo and headed home. Everything about it began cutting me apart, but it wasn’t until I heard these spoken words of Reverend Billy Graham that I lost it in the most bittersweet, irreversible and powerful way:

Can you see God? Have you ever seen Him? I’ve never seen the wind. I’ve seen the EFFECTS of the wind, but I’ve never seen the wind. Can you see the breeze? There’s a mystery to it.

{Reverend Billy Graham}

It literally changed me and the trajectory of my path forever! I believe with every shred of my being that those most impeccable words were meant for me to hear at that fated cosmic timing so that the following 20 years of living through a hell that some couldn’t bare would find me right here standing in the Light of my “Crazy Grandma Cat” blind faith.

As par for the course with my serendipitous life, and in keeping with this post, there are now two ironies flooding my heart with memories. On the night I got the CD, I had just left our fellowship meal at Cafe Express in Addison, Texas. As I’d mentioned, I was listening and LOSING IT, but, I didn’t say where. It was just as I passed the infamous Midway Road intersection where life was really gonna throw me a curve just a couple of years later. There I was, listening to the words that unbeknownst to me were plying me with all the faith and strength I was ever going to need “on down the road”.

But wait, there’s more! See this book? You won’t believe where I got it. It was the first thing I noticed the first time I’d ever gone to Zack’s, sitting on a table next to the giant Chewbacca head he’d worn to a costume party the year before. He loved that flipping thing so much that he’d made it part of the decor. Lol, I’ve digressed again! My point being – when I ever laid eyes on it – of all the things that could have been sitting there next to Chewbacca! I vividly remember my “internal nod” to Heaven. “REALLY God? This is SOMETHING, isn’t it? HE is something, isn’t he?” Little did I know! Despite the ending, the eleven years I was blessed with that beautiful king of mine were not only the stuff that fairy tales are made of, but more so than that, years that shall forever remain “in my mind’s eye”.


In my mind, I can see Your face as Your love pours down in a shower of grace. Some people tell me that You’re just a dream. My faith is the evidence of things unseen. In my mind’s eye, in my mind’s eye, in my mind’s eye. You know what I’m going through. I know this is true, ’cause You stood in my shoes. Desire’s inside of me, but it’s hard to believe in what you cannot see. Can you catch the wind? See a breeze? It’s presence is revealed by the leaves on a tree – an image of my faith in the unseen. It’s in my mind’s eye, I see Your face. You smile as You show me grace. In my mind’s eye, You take my hand. We walk through foreign lands – the foreign lands of life. In my mind’s eye, in my mind’s eye. In my mind’s eye, in my mind. In my mind I’m where I belong as I rest in Your arms. And like a child I hold on to You in my moment of truth – yes I do. We can ride the storm. Endure the pain. You comfort me in my hurricane … and I’ll never be alone again.” {DC Talk}

MAY 21, 2008: “In The Light” …

"If No One Believes You Exist ..."
~ from The Phoenix Collaborative Project ~


I keep trying to find a life, on my own, apart from you. I am the [Queen] of excuses – I’ve got one for every selfish thing I do. The disease of self runs through my blood – It’s a cancer fatal to my soul. Every attempt on my behalf has failed, to bring this sickness under control. Tell me, what’s going on inside of me? I despise my own behavior. This only serves to confirm my suspicions that I’m still a girl in need of a Savior. {D.C. Talk}

THIS SONG IS MY MANTRA, yet how many times have I listened to it? Over and over and over again but I can’t actually swallow the words. Instead I swallow every bit of rage and sadness that is hiding within me and then release it into a dark and obscured oblivion that I cannot find my way out of. My “disease of self” has overtaken my life. My teeth are rotting, my throat is raw, there’s a permanent scar etched across my knuckle, and oh yah, I think I’ve given myself esophageal cancer. My heart is arrhythmic, I feel dizzy when I stand too fast, and I’ve cracked open some blood vessels in my eye. I’m seeing a doctor tomorrow and I think I may have to cop to my little secret for the first time in my life. Dear GOD please give me the courage to be honest! I’ve been locked inside my bathroom every night while my precious daughter sleeps peacefully just footsteps away from the door with this slow and steady process of suicide.

I never thought I would be one of those women who let an eating disorder control every aspect of their lives and I certainly don’t believe in “statistics”. I’ve known long well that this was never about the food, but rather, some pathetic attempt to continually purge myself of a lifetime of guilt, shame and rage. It was the sick sense of order I thought I was maintaining over the contradiction which had become my existence: My Rules; My Choices; My Food; My Control!

I’ve worked so hard to plan my days carefully and carve away my quiet time with her and for more than half my life she’s been the keeper of my deepest and darkest secrets. I’ve trusted her unconditionally with the most painful of my feelings that I could never manage to let surface, yet somehow she has betrayed me. My lifelong confidant brought me a comfort and safety that I’d somehow forgotten to know and satiated even the emptiest places inside my body with a satisfaction of fullness and order. We were euphoric together, and sometimes almost magical, but that calm, quiet happiness we shared never lasted for more than a moment and all too quickly brought the continual shame and self-loathing which is all I can see in a mirror. My euphoria would end, so we’d begin the dance again, to the most hypnotic rhythm of them all.