Demon Hunter lyric excerpt from One Thousand Apologies about remorse, a broken heart, and lasting regret, over a blurred brown-toned silhouette.

Twenty years ago on this day, Demon Hunter released this most powerful song of not just Zack’s lifetime, but even more so mine as I’ve continued to break everything down in hopes of making sense of the silent pieces of his existence. So, what better time to finally memorialize it than today by sharing my answer to a question that was posted earlier in one of my writing forums:

My “Triptych” story is bittersweet and unfathomable to most, but true nonetheless. Since I’m the “REAL Cat” and an admitted over-sharer, I’ll share. Demon Hunter was the all-time favorite band of my late husband’s life. He’d been thrown away by his “mother THING” on his birth day. Years of burying his emotions after a dismal start in life eventually led him to me and my kids, who he took as his own.

He’d always said that my daughter and I were the only two women he ever loved other than the grandmother who stepped in to raise him after “the THING” left him to rot in his own remains. After YEARS of fighting against the mental illness that had left him slowly deteriorating, he succumbed to the darkness on 8.22.19.

No one except my daughter and me REALLY knows what happened in our home in the midst of his LITERAL insanity in the four months before he left, when the devil himself took up residency inside his head.

Lol, even his beloved German Shepherd “saw it” inside of him, and by “it,” I mean the demon that was living in his body, to which end Walter Williamson LITERALLY tried to rip his hand off the night before the end for what seemed like no obvious reason … until it all became clear to us in the wake of his suicide and “we knew.”

Meanwhile, on 8.9.19, the night after I’d discovered he’d made his final decision to “put the monster down” and purchased the Springfield he used, he’d written an email to my daughter and me with the song “One Thousand Apologies” attached, but never sent it. I found it in his drafts while sifting through the wreckage months later. He’d always said this band wrote the soundtrack to his life, and they did.

For the record, I have long since forgiven him for the crimes against our humanity that he / “the monster” committed against me and my daughter. I’m thankful beyond words for all the delicate and NOT so delicate ways their music has helped me understand what may have been going on inside his broken mind and soul, and for the closure I’ve found in so MANY of their song lyrics. I hope he’s resting in peace.

For the record, “Carry Me Down” was the last song we played for him at his services, and it will be the second-to-last song played at mine. (“The Brighter Side Of Grey” by 5FDP will be the last.)

Someday, I’ll go back through his emails and drop a screenshot of that draft here for truth and accounting purposes, but for now I’m gonna stay safely out of them! I’m growing forward, not backwards, my friends, and some anchors just need to be cut as I continue to rise from his abyss. Here in Dallas, it’s a rainy, dreary, pluviophile HEAVEN for me, and all I intend to do tonight is enjoy my cozy little castle and the sanctity of blissful solitude I’ve found at home with ME. Goodnight. 🖤

Demon Hunter lyric excerpt from One Thousand Apologies about pain, sorrow, shame, and regret, in white text over a blurred brown-toned silhouette.

About The Real Cat Williamson — Warrior, Motivator, Survivor.

Healing & Resilience

AUGUST 10, 2025: “In The Garden Of Betrayal!” …

August 10, 2025October 17, 2026 The Diary Of My Perfection

The Last Supper with a quote by The Real Cat Williamson: The bottom line is THIS: People in this life are GONNA do you wrong – EVEN the people you love and trust the most. So, WHEN it happens (not “if” it happens), ask yourself this question before casting your judgment: “Were they Peter in that moment, or Judas?” Trust me … THERE’S a difference! Then? Proceed accordingly.

In my opinion, the very first thing you should do before passing judgment or deciding how to respond when anyone betrays you (and trust me, it WILL happen to even the best of us at least once in life) is follow my “Peter v. Judas For The Dummies” system:

Simon Peter denied knowing Jesus three times out of fear. He was sorry, repented, was forgiven and restored, and went on to become one of THE most faithful Christian leaders in the history of forever.

Peter was SORRY!

Judas Iscariot betrayed Jesus with a kiss after agreeing to hand Him over for 30 freakin’ pieces of silver. Matthew tells us he felt remorse, returned the money, and acknowledged that he had betrayed innocent blood. He later died by suicide.

Remorse and restoration are NOT the same!

(Changed behavior matters!)

They BOTH betrayed Jesus … BUT … Peter’s story is an example of how forgiveness and grace can be shown when there is true remorse and a resulting change in behavior. It reminds me that even after serious mistakes, GENUINE repentance and a TRUE desire for forgiveness can open the door to restoration.

Judas’s Remorse, the classical painting accompanying the reflection on remorse. — “Judas’s Remorse“

For me, the lesson is that feeling sorry and rebuilding trust are different things. Although we should forgive them (if for no other reason than clearing our OWN conscience), we must always use discernment when considering any further relationship with them.

So, who are the Peters or Judases in YOUR life? More importantly, who have you been to others? Peter … or Judas? I can admit that I’ve been both at different points in my journey, but thankfully I’ve grown past my Judas-y, “poor ‘lil victim” days gone by. Accountability is one of the best things I have for breakfast these days (even when it hurts to swallow).

The Denial of Saint Peter, the classical painting accompanying the reflection on betrayal and forgiveness. — “The Denial Of Saint Peter“

An empty wooden chair beside a table in golden light. The Real Cat Williamson’s quote: Perhaps you were removed from that table because the person sitting beside you had been slipping poison into what you were swallowing. Now, read that again.

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FEBRUARY 4, 2021: “In My Mind’s Eye” …

February 4, 2021October 26, 2026 The Diary Of My Perfection

Earlier today, a friend of mine posed this question on his Facebook page …

What’s the best piece of advice you’ve ever received?

The answer came to me INSTANTLY!

It was December 1995, and I was just in the process of learning about grace, forgiveness, JESUS, and, most importantly, that I could have a close and personal relationship with Him. I was at the forefront of the almost 20-year process of internally crumbling then coming back together, trying so hard to find a way to hold on because I was just so lost and broken. I’d joined a great Bible study, and one night after attending, a friend who knew I’d been struggling and having a really hard time with the concept of “faith” in someone I couldn’t see or touch, gave me one of the most precious gifts I’ve ever received … the DC Talk “Jesus Freak” album. He told me I should listen to the last track first, so, I popped it in my stereo and headed home. Everything about it began cutting me apart, but it wasn’t until I heard these spoken words of Reverend Billy Graham that I lost it in the most bittersweet, irreversible, and powerful way possible:

It changed the trajectory of my path forever! I believe with every shred of my being that those most impeccable words were meant for me to hear at that fated cosmic timing so that the following 20 years of living through a hell that some couldn’t bear would find me right here standing in the Light of my “Crazy Grandma Cat” blind faith and divinely appointed “punctuation”:

Can you see God? Have you ever seen Him? I’ve never seen the wind. I’ve seen the EFFECTS of the wind, but I’ve never seen the wind. Can you see the breeze? There’s a mystery to it.
{Reverend Billy Graham}

As is par for the course with my serendipitous life, and in keeping with the tone of this post, there are two ironic memories now flooding my mind.

On the night I was gifted this album, I had just left a fellowship meal at Cafe Express in Addison, Texas. As I’d mentioned, I was listening to the song and LOSING IT, but I didn’t say where I was when it started playing. I had just passed by the infamous Midway Road intersection where life was really gonna throw me a curve two years later. There I was listening to the words that unbeknownst to me were plying me with all the faith and strength I was ever going to need “on down the road”.

This book. It was the first thing I noticed the first time I’d ever gone to his place, just sitting on a table next to the giant Chewbacca head he’d worn to a costume party the year before. Lol! He loved that flipping thing so much that he’d made it a part of the decor. Meanwhile, I vividly remember my internal nod to Heaven:

REALLY, God? This is SOMETHING, isn’t it? HE’S something, isn’t he?

How little did I know that despite the less-than-stellar ending, the garden I planted with that king was not only the stuff of fairytales, but a season that will remain in my mind’s eye eternally.

MIND’S EYE

In my mind, I can see Your face as Your love pours down in a shower of grace. Some people tell me that You’re just a dream. My faith is the evidence of things unseen. In my mind’s eye, in my mind’s eye, in my mind’s eye. You know what I’m going through. I know this is true, ’cause You stood in my shoes. Desire’s inside of me, but it’s hard to believe in what you cannot see. Can you catch the wind? See a breeze? It’s presence is revealed by the leaves on a tree – an image of my faith in the unseen. It’s in my mind’s eye, I see Your face. You smile as You show me grace. In my mind’s eye, You take my hand. We walk through foreign lands – the foreign lands of life. In my mind’s eye, in my mind’s eye. In my mind’s eye, in my mind. In my mind I’m where I belong as I rest in Your arms. And like a child I hold on to You in my moment of truth – yes I do. We can ride the storm. Endure the pain. You comfort me in my hurricane … and I’ll never be alone again.” {DC Talk}

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DECEMBER 14, 2020: “Give Him Roots” …

December 14, 2020November 3, 2026 The Diary Of My Perfection

The “Tell Us What You See” Tree, courtesy of The Daily James: a towering tree with tangled, exposed roots gripping an earth bank.

This morning, I saw this post on Instagram by one of my favorite haunts, “The Daily James,” a wildlife sanctuary based in Los Angeles that is home to one of my absolute favorite families, “King James, Margaret and the kids.” But I’ve digressed. The post was of this picture above along with one very simple question: “Tell us what you see.” To which I replied …

The thing that struck me the most in this post was the first picture of that magnificent tree. It screamed, “Look here upon my branches — Creation’s true majesty. I am a life well lived, no matter the circumstances or elements that have encumbered me — a true force to be reckoned with. I am ONLY as tall as my roots are deep, no matter HOW twisted and chaotic they may seem. I am a strong fortress. I am — everything.”

Portrait of a young man in a white shirt, wearing a cross necklace.

Twenty-eight years ago today, after 19 hours and 11 minutes of labor, the first true love of my life was born at exactly 4:50 p.m. (but, hey, who’s counting, right?) With that, this picture couldn’t have come at a more fitting time, because after I made my response, I immediately thought of this song I’ve loved since first hearing it in the early ’90s, when I was just beginning to know Jesus. Up until then, I had been wandering lost in the woods all alone. Actually? Correction: I wasn’t really alone — He was ALWAYS with me; I just wasn’t ready to believe it. Truth be told, even after I accepted Christ into my heart, my walk was a bit of a struggle. I’ve been a really stubborn kid — NO JOKE! Christian was so young at the time, and I tried desperately to give him the solid foundation he needed to get through life. But alas, I failed him at so many turns. It’s the absolute tragic truth.

Those days are gone, though, and now I very much know better. I truly have seen the error of my ways, including the not-so-stable ground I set his feet upon and the wings I took part in clipping, making it more difficult for him to fly. Just as sure as God has forgiven me for my many imperfections and failures, I, too, have done the same. All I can do at this point is try to lead him to The Truth by my example and let His Majesty take it from there.

My son is a true force to be reckoned with, just like his mother and sister.

It’s just a matter of time … and only a matter of faith. At the end of the day, no matter how “twisted and chaotic” his roots are below, there is a strong fortress working behind him powering the circumstances and elements. The great “I Am” is everything I need to know.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, SON!

I love you to the Moon and back and am SO beyond proud to be your mom. I believe in you, always, unconditionally, with every shred of my being, from here and throughout eternity! My truest prayer to God is now, and always will be, that both you and your little sister grow into the magnificent masterpieces you were meant to be from the seeds sown by not only my past mistakes but the mistakes of every single root-rotted branch of our twisted family tree. Rise above it, son. Rise above, fly away, and never look back with regret!

GIVE HIM ROOTS

So many voices in his ear. Are they playing on his fears? It’s a bad situation all the way around. But with a solid foundation, he’s gonna stand his ground. Take a little time. Plant the seeds. Give him reasons to believe. Give him roots, and give him wings, and he’ll grow up to do great things. Let him know the joy that he brings. Teach him the value of the truth. Oh you gotta give him roots. Give him wings. When he comes to you and he needs your help, and he’s so unsure of himself, give him vision so he can see the Light. Let him know the difference between wrong and right. Share the wisdom of your peers. There’ll be laughter. There’ll be tears. He should aim as high as the sky. There ain’t nothing he can’t do if he’ll only try. {Clay Crosse}

Tag: Forgiveness

OCTOBER 25, 2025: “One Thousand Apologies” …