Category: Healing & Resilience

Pink-and-blue infant loss awareness ribbon surrounded by flowers, butterflies, candlelight, and rays of light.
Healing & Resilience, Tributes & Remembrance

OCTOBER 15, 2026: “STILL Calculating!” …

The Diary Of My Perfection
Infant Loss Awareness Day memorial for Gina Marie, with pink-and-blue remembrance imagery.

For those parents out there who have had to bury a child, this post is for you. For those who have not, God love, bless, and keep you from ever having to do such an unnatural thing.

Many people have asked me over the years, “… but Cat, HOW do you still laugh, smile, and experience joy after all the losses you’ve suffered?”

It’s called “The Mathematics Of Faith”, and it’s factored by strength, fortitude, and resilience … the total sum of which is always “LOVE” … be it love for one another or the love we’re commanded to have for ourselves by the God that gifted us to one another in the first place, no matter how short or long our seasons. Perhaps the best part of this ‘lil quotient is that you don’t have to be a genius to figure it out! As a matter of fact, as far as faith and most matters of the heart are concerned, the deafer and dumber you are, the better! Fast-forward to today and everything I’m feeling as I revel in the victory of powering through what would have been her 21st birthday had she not moved on to The Brighter Side Of Grey so quickly. Grieving not just my tiny angel, but my husband and so many others I’ve lost along the way has been difficult, of course, but even more than that, it has been the utmost and highest privilege of my life. Why is that, you ask? Because it means I “got” to love them in the first place. Their deaths remain “nothing at all.” My prayer for all of you beautiful warriors out there is to keep on carrying on and let nothing and no one take that crown from your head or steal your faith. As for me? Although losing a child of my own flesh and blood (no matter her age or how fleeting the hours I had with her) is something I would never wish upon another parent, what I can tell you is this: You have to let go of the need for black and white proof, walk through all the grey and fear blindly, and trust the process. It’s scary, I know, but the fruits of the immense amount of courage it takes to stop trying to make sense of certain things are infinite. I PROMISE!
(“The Mathematics Of Faith“)

And so, with that—yes, my friends, I am still here, very much doing the math and calculating my faith. Guess what? The numbers are adding up to INFINITY, and I don’t exactly hate it. Carrying on!

Memorial artwork linked to Hello, Goodbye, honoring Gina Marie.

About The Real Cat Williamson — Warrior, Motivator, Survivor.
Healing & Resilience

SEPTEMBER 25, 2025: “Oh, Poor YOU!” …

The Diary Of My Perfection

That’s right … YOU HEARD ME!

YOU created the cesspool you’re drowning in, which, (ps), is making you kinda stinky! You can’t really expect to run around breaking every person, place, and thing you touch and not have to fuckin’ pay for it, now can ya? Meanwhile, “if” by chance you’re in the wake of what seems to be the war to end all wars, there are cold, dead bodies lying all around and you’re the only one left standing, perhaps it’s time to reexamine yourself, or, God forbid, examine yourself for the very first time EVER!

No one seems to like you?

Can’t hold on to relationships?

Don’t get included in family functions, ’cause …

You always RUIN family functions!?

Constantly getting fired?

Constantly in trouble with the law?

Constantly have your ‘lil ears BURNING?

People can only show up to the places where you are drunk, stoned, or otherwise highly medicated?

Welp, ya toxic ‘lil monkey …

the problem just MIGHT be YOU!

One of my favorite lines from a song of ALL times is by a band even a ginormous shithead like YOU might have heard. (It’s Def Leppard! 😉):

And then in conversation, I love the way you mention ‘nothing’s ever gone your way’ with a hammer in your hand. You spell out a master plan.

(“To Be Alive“)

YOU NEVER LEARN!

Steve Maraboli once said,

The problem that we have with a victim mentality is that we forget to see the blessings of the day. Because of this, our spirit is poisoned instead of nourished.

Lookit, your victim mentality isn’t serving you very well, so why not just go ahead and FIX IT! Own some things. Account for some things. Apologize for some things. STOP SOME THINGS! Make amends with those prolly very few people who are somehow still willing to let you in their atmosphere. Start taking responsibility for your bullshit actions and for fuck’s sake, GET INTO THERAPY!

While I’m sorry that I’m not sorry for the rough around the edges delivery here, know that I only aim to help. Yes, I know that the truth really hurts, but I am here to tell you that I, too, used to cry “victim” after the consequences of my own bullshittery. Guess what, though? I’ve lived, learned, and have since accepted the errors of all my formerly fucked up ways and all the people I broke along the way … not the LEAST of whom were my children. Then? I forgave myself, walked forward with “Power + Grace“, and my life is just so much more … BETTER!

YOU CAN DO THIS!

You can stop whining and crying over all the stuff that YOU broke! Ga head and give it a try! YOU GOT THIS! Oh, and one last thing. This post is being published on “National Day Of Remembrance Of Homicide Victims” today in honor of those who have been truly “victimized”, which (ps), in this regard isn’t you!

About The Real Cat Williamson — Warrior, Motivator, Survivor.
Healing & Resilience

SEPTEMBER 13, 2025: “The Bleeding” …

The Diary Of My Perfection
Cat, you need to think about putting yourself back out there and maybe even getting into the dating pool. Have you thought about any of the apps?

🤮

Yes, many versions of this ‘lil nuggie of a conversation have happened since losing Zack. Really, people? The thing about that whole situation is that NO ONE gets to pick my poison again but ME!

Lol! It’s been six years since I’ve either spent time or had meaningful conversations with any men but my sons, close family and friends, the “Flyboy“, my dog, my squirrel, and a grand total of THREE males of the species I’ve somewhat consistently communicated with virtually and LIGHTLY, including a rock star, Santa Claus, and a surfer boy, NONE of whom have EVER said any weird, gross, or inappropriate shit to me, or worse yet, prompted a conversation with a “🍆, 😍, or 💐”! 🤮 So, “putting myself back out there”? Yah, NOPE! I’m all set here in MY own little world with no more bloodied knives in my foreseeable future and just “my people”, my cats, my birds, and my squirrels!

And so, with that, no, I don’t EVER see myself settling down again or reaching for “the one that needs”. Actually? Now that I think of it, I finally am “settled down” for the first time in all my life with absolutely no one to answer to but me, myself, and God, and nowhere to be unless I wanna be there. I’m in my “selfish phase”, people, and yes, it’s highly addictive! Besides … my dreams are all in color now, and though I’m “alone“, nope, I’m never lonely, ’cause me, myself, and ME kinda love running through all these shadows on our own. I guess what I’m REALLY trying to say is that I have nothing to sell to anyone anymore unless and until I decide to open for biz again!

By the way, for those of you who wanna be in the know, Trapt released this song I’ve been listening to over and over and over again twenty years ago today, with the release of their “Someone in Control” album!

About The Real Cat Williamson — Warrior, Motivator, Survivor.
Healing & Resilience, Mental Health & Suicide Awareness

AUGUST 22, 2025: “Still Breathing!” …

The Diary Of My Perfection

Listen, I dunno who needs to hear this right now, but pain really does demand to be felt, and dare I say that internalized pain that doesn’t hurt you anymore is actually dangerous.
(“Feel The Pain Then Get Off The Train“)

Six years ago today at this very moment, the lifetime of internalized trauma that had likely been traveling through untold generations of his family came barreling down a set of tracks that claimed my husband’s life because he was never able to lose all the luggage he’d been carrying with him since the day he was born.

Through it all, though, I can honestly say that while there was once a time in my life when I truly didn’t know when the pain was gonna stop, I just kept working on it, all the while never knowing when the floor was gonna drop again. I stepped gently … softly … carefully.

At so many points, and even still sometimes on a day like this, managing all these emotions has just felt like putting up sails in a storm, and the many efforts I’ve made keep toppling me over. And while it’s true that all the ways I once used to cope only made me feel worse, those days are long gone. God? How do I maintain all this control? In the hardest of times, I just stay in my body … see through my own eyes … feel my beating heart … and breathe. Breathe. BREATHE!

If I’m lucky, The Sun will rise again tomorrow, which is strange, of course, since, no, I won’t be the one doing that. Even still, and now that my seas are mostly calm, my sails will never be torn again from my own stubborn desire to have them raised.

Maybe what happened six years ago this night was always meant for me. Maybe tomorrow morning will be, too. Either way, I’ll remain steadfast in my role … my control … the only thing I ever really need to do is just … breathe.

“wordsby.a“
Silver plaque beside a grey sea: “You did your best in the hardest of times, but you don’t need to try. Just be in your body. See through your eyes. Just feel your beating heart. Breathe. Breathe. BREATHE!” — “Breathe,” Cathartic Fall.
About The Real Cat Williamson — Warrior, Motivator, Survivor.
A red streak stands apart from a crowd of charcoal figures on an aged ivory background, with a Three Days Grace lyric about individuality and being drenched in gold.
Family & Love, Healing & Resilience

AUGUST 22, 2025: “Never Ordinary” …

The Diary Of My Perfection
Gia wearing a decorated cowboy hat and black top in a warm sepia portrait, with a softly lit castle in the distance.
“Audacious”
Framed Alienation album artwork by Three Days Grace, with charcoal figures and a red brushstroke on aged ivory.

Three Days Grace released this one today with their Alienation album on what also happens to be the anniversary of one of the worst days of my life, but even more so, THE worst day of hers. If only you knew what we know to be true about what she endured in the wake of his insanity, you’d be baffled as to how she’s still standing as one whole human being.

Nevertheless, she’s extraordinary. She’s fire … and magic … and courage … and kindness. She is so not like the others and has risen from ashes that should have literally desecrated her soul. Even still, SHE SHINES! And so, with that …

Dear Daughter,

We were NEVER ordinary, and all the weight we’ve carried will help us keep writing our story. In the darkest night, we were born to shine!

When the nights grew cold but our blood ran warm and everything we’d touched just seemed to melt away and leave us alone, no one understood the noises in our head but US. Such a simple melody playing over and over again. But why would we wanna blend in when we are drenched in gold? Never far, never out of reach, the embers in the dark lay quiet … burning just beneath. Isolated … complicated … we found a way to make it out alive (and not feel so alone)!

These days, when I look at you, I see that you’re just like me … a misfit runaway with gold plating underneath. I love you, Gia, and literally couldn’t be any prouder to call you “daughter” if I tried.

~ Momma

  • A lioness stands protectively behind her cub in golden light. Quote by The Real Cat Williamson: “I thought about quitting, but then I remembered who was watching me. So, I straightened my crown and showed her how to do what queens have to do!”
  • My daughter will be dangerous. Something raised tall and wild, thorned and beautiful. Like honeysuckle - nourishing to some, and poisonous to others. My daughter will be dangerous, made of wit and razor. She will not smile when told, or be made into something obeying. She will not be a delicacy for someone to covet. Her worth will not be weighed in admiration, but in the fullness of her heart. My daughter will be dangerous because she will know that love is not built with fear, and she will know the boundaries of her own permission. My daughter will be dangerous like brave things are. She will know that threats come dressed as desperate men, and she will learn to laugh in the face of those who believe her to be weak. You will not silence someone raised to roar. She will know the ways I’ve failed, the times I’ve fallen, and I will walk beside her until we fly together. And when she wonders who she is, I will trace each of her fingertips with my love. I will hold her hands in my own and I will remind her that she is everything. I will honor her from scraped knees to broken heart. I will love her from before her first breath, and beyond my last. She will be dangerous, not because she is my daughter, but because of who she is herself. — J. Raymond, The First Ten: Selected Poems 2015-2024.
  • Red handwritten lettering on framed ivory reads: “To my daughter, keep going, because you deserve to see what happens when all of your hard work pays off.”
  • A winged woman falls through dark clouds beside a Three Days Grace quotation asking how to help a loved one who has hidden their pain.

About The Real Cat Williamson — Warrior, Motivator, Survivor.
Wide dark-metal plaque with an ivory skull, red handprint, and an AfterLife lyric attributed to Five Finger Death Punch: “I don’t wanna wait for heaven to change this. I don’t wanna have to fall on the knife. Forever after ... this disaster ... BRING THE AFTERLIFE!”
Healing & Resilience

AUGUST 19, 2025: “Bring The Afterlife!” …

The Diary Of My Perfection
Flames surround a dark-metal plaque with a spent match. Quote by The Real Cat Williamson: “… and perhaps the biggest mistakes of my life were all the ones I DIDN’T learn from the first time … or the second … or the third. Thankfully, I’ve gotten MUCH better at only striking matches once though, ’cause I’m tired of being the arsonist who reduces her own life to ashes the most!”

Guess who just turned THREE today? If you said, “It’s AfterLife by Five Finger Death Punch!” then DING DING DING DING DING! You won a prize! Let’s face it, though—that prolly didn’t happen, since not everyone’s an off-their-rocker knucklehead like me!

Meanwhile, let’s talk about it! The “afterlife,” that is! To begin, let’s take a look at guitarist Zoltan Bathory’s interpretation of this BANGER:

In his track-by-track commentary for Apple Music, Bathory reads “AfterLife” as a call to use our free will and take action in the life we have, rather than waiting for a higher power to intervene. He makes clear that this is his interpretation of Ivan Moody’s lyrics.

You’d cut your nose off just to spite your fuckin’ face! That’s who you are! You know your place! You let them lead you by the throat with broken hands! So, how’s the view beneath their shoe (and what’s your plan)? It goes on and on and on and on and on (an old broken record stuck on the same song)! It goes on and on and on and on and on (we all know it’s wrong, but we’re singing along)!

— Five Finger Death Punch, “AfterLife” (lyric excerpt)

And so, with that, I say THIS:

NO! No, I DON’T! No, I don’t wanna wait for Heaven to change me! No, I don’t wanna have to wait for the fall! No, I don’t wanna wait for Heaven to change things! I don’t wanna wait to fall on the knife! I don’t wanna wait! I DON’T WANNA WAIT! Forever after … this disaster … BRING THE AFTERLIFE!

Reimagined AfterLife album artwork: an ivory skull with a red handprint, metal knuckle-duster, crossed bones, and crimson lighting. Text reads “Five Finger Death Punch” and “AfterLife.”
About The Real Cat Williamson — Warrior, Motivator, Survivor.
Family & Love, Healing & Resilience

AUGUST 12, 2025: “An Angry Daughter’s FAUXrytale SPECTER!” …

The Diary Of My Perfection

Dearest Me,

“Is this the place that we called home to find what we’ve become? Walking along the path unknown … we’ve lived, we’ve loved, we’ve LIED! Deep in the dark … we didn’t think we “needed” The Light … or that the ghost inside us belonged to the other side.”
(Words adapted from Bad Omens’ “Specter”)

Looking back, it literally blows my FUCKING mind how many heaping piles of toxic, twisted, and dysfunctional behavior I was surrounded by—ironically, most often in the very places I was forced not just to believe, but to tell other people were “safe and loving homes.” I was expected to perpetuate those disgusting “FAUXrytales” because the powers that were my life demanded it under the threat of: “What would people think if they knew the truth?” For years, I choked on silence and secrets amid the ABUSE, CHAOS and VIOLENCE that was my childhood—and that still reaches into my adulthood—all to protect the image of the PERFECT family “behind the gates”!

Guess what, though?

THAT version of me is gone! She’s as dead as the specter who still roams the corridors of my mind as a reminder of how we got here. I’ve GOTTEN to learn the VERY hard way that losing people who send wrecking balls through the walls of my heart and the places me and mine dwell is not a loss—it’s TOTAL freedom—and I’ll never betray or “ghost” myself with silence and lies again!

And so, with that … YES! Yes, I AM the angry daughter … ever the work in progress … and I’ll STAY this angry until MY daughter has finally moved THROUGH all the anger she inherited from both me and the generations before. She’s wielding it like a torch through her own haunted spaces … just like her momma … so that someday HER daughter (who I carried within MY womb, by the way) won’t ever have to stay angry for longer than is necessary to keep the specter of herself at bay … unless, of course, like me, she decides to pull out its little diamond-studded leash and walk proudly with it like a wild and beautiful BEAST with MY fire in her eyes and resilience coursing through her veins!

About The Real Cat Williamson — Warrior, Motivator, Survivor.
Healing & Resilience

AUGUST 10, 2025: “In The Garden Of Betrayal!” …

The Diary Of My Perfection
The Last Supper with a quote by The Real Cat Williamson: The bottom line is THIS: People in this life are GONNA do you wrong – EVEN the people you love and trust the most. So, WHEN it happens (not “if” it happens), ask yourself this question before casting your judgment: “Were they Peter in that moment, or Judas?” Trust me … THERE’S a difference! Then? Proceed accordingly.

In my opinion, the very first thing you should do before passing judgment or deciding how to respond when anyone betrays you (and trust me, it WILL happen to even the best of us at least once in life) is follow my “Peter v. Judas For The Dummies” system:

Simon Peter denied knowing Jesus three times out of fear. He was sorry, repented, was forgiven and restored, and went on to become one of THE most faithful Christian leaders in the history of forever.

Peter was SORRY!

Judas Iscariot betrayed Jesus with a kiss after agreeing to hand Him over for 30 freakin’ pieces of silver. Matthew tells us he felt remorse, returned the money, and acknowledged that he had betrayed innocent blood. He later died by suicide.

Remorse and restoration are NOT the same!

(Changed behavior matters!)

They BOTH betrayed Jesus … BUT … Peter’s story is an example of how forgiveness and grace can be shown when there is true remorse and a resulting change in behavior. It reminds me that even after serious mistakes, GENUINE repentance and a TRUE desire for forgiveness can open the door to restoration.

Judas’s Remorse, the classical painting accompanying the reflection on remorse.
“Judas’s Remorse“

For me, the lesson is that feeling sorry and rebuilding trust are different things. Although we should forgive them (if for no other reason than clearing our OWN conscience), we must always use discernment when considering any further relationship with them.

So, who are the Peters or Judases in YOUR life? More importantly, who have you been to others? Peter … or Judas? I can admit that I’ve been both at different points in my journey, but thankfully I’ve grown past my Judas-y, “poor ‘lil victim” days gone by. Accountability is one of the best things I have for breakfast these days (even when it hurts to swallow).

The Denial of Saint Peter, the classical painting accompanying the reflection on betrayal and forgiveness.
“The Denial Of Saint Peter“

An empty wooden chair beside a table in golden light. The Real Cat Williamson’s quote: Perhaps you were removed from that table because the person sitting beside you had been slipping poison into what you were swallowing. Now, read that again.
About The Real Cat Williamson — Warrior, Motivator, Survivor.
Healing & Resilience

JULY 7, 2025: “Just SAY The Thing (Then MAYBE Walk Away!)” …

The Diary Of My Perfection

When you don’t speak your truth, you tend to live a life in the shadows … a life of fear … a life of mediocrity.

Author unknown

Well, well, well! I bet you didn’t know there was such a thing as Tell the Truth Day, now, didja? July 7 is as good a day as any to practice saying what you mean. Stand up for yourself, my friend. Your voice deserves to be heard!

Besides, when you allow yourself to speak your truths, you give others permission to begin living their own lives more authentically, too. You might even find yourself surrounded by some pretty epic souls as you vibrate higher and higher and create a positive ripple in The Cosmos!

Remember …

You are WORTHY of being loved JUST as you are, “truths” and all, so don’t you dare let anyone convince you otherwise! It’s up to YOU to protect your spirit by RESPECTING it! This is YOUR journey and YOUR life, and you only get one shot at it! Don’t let anyone stand between YOU and YOU!

Oh, and ONE last thing …

Always remember that sometimes the best thing to do is let your truth rip (as eloquently and diplomatically as possible, of course), then simply walk away. You don’t have to turn every honest conversation into an argument.

In my opinion, the best way to win an argument in the first place (IF, that is, your ego can handle it) is to educate yourself on the topic, listen, ask questions, and make YOUR points clearly. Once you’ve said what you came to say, consider DROPPING THE MIC and walking away quietly. After all, there’s no such thing as “two idiots arguing” if one of the idiots is smart enough to know when to fold.

Just sayin’! Wait! How did we get from truth-telling to “the art of war”? Hi, everyone! It’s me … CAT! Good luck out there, ya li’l truth bomber, you!

“Everyone gets lost sometimes. STAND UP! You may find it’s not as hard as you think, ’cause no one is born the King Of Silence! So, choose your voice! Just speak up … don’t back down … don’t wear that crown! LET YOUR VOICE SCREAM OUT! Be true to who you are! Sometimes in this life, the world may not be with you. Sometimes you must fight yourself with your fear behind you. You can’t feel on top of the world with the weight of the world on your shoulders.”

~ “The King of Silence” · We Came As Romans ~

About The Real Cat Williamson — Warrior, Motivator, Survivor.
A black-and-gold tiger with amber eyes emerges from dark stone, with an ornate gold quill beside it.
Healing & Resilience

JULY 4, 2025: “The Sound Of Silence” …

The Diary Of My Perfection
Black-and-gold tiger artwork with a quote by The Real Cat Williamson: “Now, now, my little scorned one. Why are you being so defensive? God was in that room, too, and yes, He fucking saw that! Have faith, please!”

Let the dissonance echo inside your ears. I am your worst nightmare … Fear me! I am the sound of silence.

— Sail’s End, “The Sound of Silence”

But, alas! There is NOTHING to fear in the wake of the deafening silence that oft becomes our worst nightmare while waiting for the retribution we cry out for when we’ve been wronged or our name has been smeared.

FEAR NOT!

I mean, ALLS I’m saying is no, you do NOT have to defend yourself when people have done you dirty and inked out your story according to their narrative! Yah … NOPE!

God really is in every room, whether you believe it, like it, or not, and HIS signature at the end of that page is the only one that counts, sooo …

The plans for your defense were laid out perfectly ahead of time, so all you have to do is just sit back, shut your trap, hold your breath, watch, and WAIT! Meanwhile, don’t you think for even one second in that silly ‘lil head of yours that He doesn’t know exactly how it feels to endure mockery in silence.

I mean, HELLO? Have you seen “humanity” running all amuck down here mocking HIS name and Creation? Do you remember what they did to His Son? If anyone knows how hard it is to just “hurry up and wait” for justice to be served … IT’S HIM! So, yes, He knows how much it’s killing you to hold your tongue.

No one gets left behind—I PROMISE! So, if it feels like God is just too quiet for you right now, have some faith and be patient! He’s not done loading up His quill yet, and YES, He’s got your entire CLOCK (which is even better than just your six)! So says The Queen (who also just happens to be God’s FAVORITE daughter)!

“I GOT YOUR CLOCK” above worn combat boots and a complete antique clock, symbolizing loyalty and protection from every direction.

An ornate gold feather quill lies on its side against black, its pointed nib facing left.
About The Real Cat Williamson — Warrior, Motivator, Survivor.
Distressed black-and-gold symbolic cover about toxic parenting and emotional harm.
Healing & Resilience

JUNE 14, 2025: “On The Subject Of Rat Hospice, Cauterization & ‘Father’s’ Day!” …

The Diary Of My Perfection
  • Memorialized threatening text message from Cat's father.
  • WWJD quote poster by The Real Cat Williamson.
  • Toxic parenting quote poster by The Real Cat Williamson.

Long story short? I don’t think anyone really knows how fucking CRUEL the world can be until you’ve had to grow up and protect your children from your own “family”.
If YOU are one of us who is fighting desperately to change your family’s legacy, I’m truly sorry that you’re having to spend your adulthood fixing things you didn’t break so that your children can have a better future. “The battle that lies within you” is not for the faint of heart, and I FEEL YOU! Stay strong. Keep the faith. RISE ABOVE! Oh, and by the way, “malignant parent” who is reading this right now, always remember that how your kids treat you when they no longer need you is a direct reflection of how you treated them when they needed you to survive.
(“The Malignancy”)

I have long believed that the truth of just about anything can be found in all the questions you aren’t allowed to ask. A more sobering truth, however, is that often the person refusing to allow “the questions” we so desperately need answers to is the one we face in the mirror. With that being said, I cannot encourage anyone who’s searching for the reasons they’re sinking to the abyss strongly enough to do that most important work of all, which is to sit with yourself in solitude and have what just may be the most important conversation of your life.

‘Who, what, when, and where do I need to let go of so that I can finally learn to breathe again?’

(“The Anchor”)

Bye everyone, it’s me, CAT!

About The Real Cat Williamson — Warrior, Motivator, Survivor.
I AM NOT OKAY on a frosted blue-gray background with faint tumbling-cat sketches.
Healing & Resilience

JUNE 12, 2025 (6:00PM): “I Am NOT Okay (But i WILL Be)! …

The Diary Of My Perfection

Oh, don’t you worry, though, dear readers! I got this, bitches! I PROMISE! At least I’m brave enough to say it out loud:

I … am NOT … okay!

Well, at least I’m 77% sure I’m not okay … BUT … I will be, ’cause Imma cat and cats ALWAYS land on their feet (even with a “buttered-side-up” piece of bread strapped to their back)!

Meanwhile, in rolling from “squares” to “circles,” I find it no coincidence that, despite the fact that it had been drafted, locked, and loaded well over seven months ago, THIS was my Diary entry this morning:

A year ago today, my son sent me another one of those cryptic “music thing” messages.
(“Where Will You Go With Your 4,680 Squares?”)

Talk about the absolutely beautiful trajectory of this wonky yet ever-so-FULL CIRCLE that both my children’s lives and mine are moving in! He was brave enough to tell me that he was not okay … now I’m brave enough to say that I, too, am not okay … which, believe it or not, is exactly why “imma be alright”! What doesn’t kill me will always make me stronger, ’cause I’m their momma, and my work here won’t be done until I can rest assured knowing they have all the tools and examples they will ever need to BE OKAY! Dear GOD, how I love my fucking life (and also all my birds and squirrels)! Goodnight, everyone! It’s me, CAT!

  • Memorialized text-message exchange with the Pingu meme.
  • Memorialized weekly driving report showing The Real Cat at home since June 4.
  • I Am NOT Okay (But i WILL Be)! poster by The Real Cat Williamson.
About The Real Cat Williamson — Warrior, Motivator, Survivor.
Healing & Resilience

JUNE 12, 2025 (6:00AM): “Where Will You Go With Your 4,680 Squares?” …

The Diary Of My Perfection
Video Credit And Ownership To “Law Of Manifestation“

A year ago today, my son sent me another one of those cryptic “music thing” messages.

4,680.

THAT’S how many ’lil grey squares—weeks—you get IF you’re lucky enough to live to the ripe old age of 90. Now then …

The lyrics of “Where Will I Go” paint a vivid picture of Hopsin’s experiences as a child and the challenges he encountered. The song starts with a powerful hook, where Hopsin expresses his feelings of isolation and his desire to be understood. It’s evident that he has been feeling down, but nobody seems to know or understand his pain.
(“Old Time Music“)

Think of yourself as dead. You have lived your life. Now take what’s left and live it properly!

(Marcus Aurelius)

Bye everyone, it’s me, CAT!

About The Real Cat Williamson — Warrior, Motivator, Survivor.
Healing & Resilience, Tributes & Remembrance

JANUARY 11, 2025: “The Mathematics Of Faith!” …

The Diary Of My Perfection
Memorial artwork linked to Hello, Goodbye, honoring Gina Marie.

Small gold decorative divider.

The back story on this song is about a miscarriage my ex and I went through before I got sober. The loss of our son Jude after 7 months of pregnancy was so devastating it sent me into an alcoholic & drug spiral that lasted a year ending with an overdose and me finally getting help from 12 step anonymous programs. For many years I carried the guilt and remorse wondering if I had done thing differently would the outcome had changed. Eventually through recovery and therapy I came to accept and make peace with the loss. Many times when late term miscarriages occur we rightfully attend to the mothers & pour over them all the compassion and care we have to offer. My story is one of the devastated father. The men who lose their son’s & daughters before they ever get to know them. My prayers are with anyone who is has or will experience this soul crushing loss. It does gets better. When we share our pain we divide it. When we share our joy it multiplies.
(Tommy Vext)

Indeed, it’s true, my dear Tommy V, that when we share our pain, we divide it, and when we share our joy, we multiply it:

Ten minutes later, and not less than two minutes before I delivered her, my mother found her way to my room. There she stood holding my right hand, while Pete was holding my left, when Gina Marie, our precious baby girl graced us with her brief but powerful presence. She was 9 inches long and weighed just over a pound. The few hours she lived were the longest of my life, and there are no words to describe my anguish. The baby I had prayed desperately for on my literal hands and knees had been cruelly ripped from my womb and now I held her broken little body in my arms. She kept trying to hold on to my finger, but her tiny hand was too small to grasp it. I couldn’t take my eyes off her as I helplessly watched her gasping for air and struggling to live, then watched her take her very last breath. I struggled for so long to find a single good thing that came from all that heartache and trauma, as it is something I will truly never understand, but what I can tell you is that there in that otherwise frigid hospital room, racked with grief and agony in my very darkest of hours, I had never felt so truly loved. How blessed was I to be surrounded by all the people I loved and cared for the most and who loved me in all the best ways they knew how? My husband, who after all he went through to bring that little girl into my life, and who despite my best efforts to push him away never once in our lifetime together at that point had ever physically left my side. My father, who despite his shortcomings, seemed to love me in the best way he knew how, and despite our many battles, I know would have traded his life for my daughter’s in that moment. My sister and one true and unconditional rock, there at the foot of my bed on her hands and knees sobbing inconsolably for the indescribable pain that I was in, that if she could have, I know she would have taken from me. And, of course, my beautiful mother who has loved me all the days of my life and I was blessed to have standing beside me when each of my children came into this world, and then again when one of them left it.
(“Hello, Goodbye“)

So, here’s me doing some nonsensical calculations of the soul by sharing, dividing, and multiplying one of my most bittersweet, twisted, and beautiful boxes of pain from 21 years ago today:

The Mathematics of Faith visual equation with mathematical symbols and a heart.

It’s called “The Mathematics Of Faith”, and it’s factored by strength, fortitude, and resilience … the total sum of which is always “LOVE” … be it love for one another or the love we’re commanded to have for ourselves by the God that gifted us to one another in the first place, no matter how short or long our seasons. Perhaps the best part of this ‘lil quotient is that you don’t have to be a genius to figure it out! As a matter of fact, as far as faith and most matters of the heart are concerned, the deafer and dumber you are, the better!

Fast-forward to today and everything I’m feeling as I revel in the victory of powering through what would have been her 21st birthday had she not moved on to The Brighter Side Of Grey so quickly. Grieving not just my tiny angel, but my husband and so many others I’ve lost along the way has been difficult, of course, but even more than that, it has been the utmost and highest privilege of my life. Why is that, you ask? Because it means I “got” to love them in the first place. Their deaths remain “nothing at all“.

My prayer for all of you beautiful warriors out there is to keep on carrying on and let nothing and no one take that crown from your head or steal your faith. As for me? Although losing a child of my own flesh and blood (no matter her age or how fleeting the hours I had with her) is something I would never wish upon another parent, what I can tell you is this …

You have to let go of the need for black and white proof, walk through all the grey and fear blindly, and trust the process. It’s scary, I know, but the fruits of the immense amount of courage it takes to stop trying to make sense of certain things are infinite. I PROMISE!

About The Real Cat Williamson — Warrior, Motivator, Survivor.
Charcoal-and-ink journal, pen, and paintbrush beside a quotation attributed to Virginia Woolf: “How many times have people used a pen or paintbrush because they couldn’t pull the trigger?”
Healing & Resilience

JUNE 24, 2024: “The Sound Of Madness” …

The Diary Of My Perfection

Yes, my outcast brethren, I’ve been a social pariah, too. And while I’m never a fan of trauma comparing or pissing matches over who’s been broken worse, what I need you to understand is THIS:

Shinedown’s Sound of Madness lyric excerpt on textured paper framed by charcoal, an open journal, a pen, and a paintbrush. The lyrics appear below in the post.

While you likely believe that the fortress you have forged out of callousness, bitterness, and unspeakable pain and sadness is keeping you safe and serving you well, let me assure you that it is NOT! Trust me when I say it, ’cause I’ve been there and done that, too! Once upon a time (and sometimes even now), I was the reigning QUEEN of “Go away and just leave me the fuck alone!”

That was then …

… THIS IS NOW …

… and so, THIS is what I say to YOU:

Yeah, I get it, you’re an outcast … always under attack … always comin’ in last … bringin’ up the past! No one owes you anything! I think you need a shotgun blast … a kick in the ass! So paranoid! WATCH YOUR BACK! Oh my, here we go! Another loose cannon gone bipolar. Slipped down, couldn’t get much lower. Quicksand’s got no sense of humor. I’m still laughin’ like hell! You think that by cryin’ to me … lookin’ so sorry … that I’m gonna believe you’ve been affected by a social disease? WELL, THEN TAKE YOUR MEDICINE! I’m so sick of this tombstone mentality. If there’s an afterlife, then it’ll set you free. But I’m not gonna part the seas … you’re a self-fulfilling prophecy. I created the sound of madness … Wrote the book on pain … somehow, I’m still here to explain that the darkest hour never comes in the night. You can sleep with a gun, but WHEN YOU GONNA WAKE UP AND FIGHT FOR YOURSELF?

Shinedown, “Sound of Madness”

Happy Birthday to Shinedown’s The Sound of Madness! May its title track live on in infamy as the hard-to-swallow truth pill and fight song for all the ones who got left behind but then found their will to SHINE DOWN!

Charcoal-and-ink banner with Shinedown’s question: “When you gonna wake up and fight for yourself?”
About The Real Cat Williamson — Warrior, Motivator, Survivor.
Train platform with luggage representing pain, suffering, anger, and emotions being left behind.
Healing & Resilience

MAY 15, 2024: “Feel The Pain Then Get Off The Train!” …

The Diary Of My Perfection
Feel the Pain Then Get Off the Train artwork for The Diary of My Perfection.
… you bleed just to know you’re alive.
(“Iris“)

Listen, I dunno who needs to hear this right now, but pain really does demand to be felt, and dare I say that internalized pain that doesn’t hurt you anymore is actually dangerous. So, if you’re that child in a long line of family people who either refused to feel a thing and chose to avoid dealing with that gift that just kept on fucking giving, KNOW THIS:

You’re “The One” who was CALLED!

You’re the storm your ancestors have been praying for and your children’s children will praise whether they even know your name, because YOU finally showed up looking and sounding like a mental patient and said,

Fuck this shit! Enough! We’re DONE!

You were CHOSEN to lift up that rug where generations of malignant bullshit got swept under that proverbial rug of oblivion!

It happened!

It ALL happened!

But none of them were ever gonna heal from it unless someone finally faced and ROSE from it, and that, my fellow black sheep, was YOU validating the realities that no one wanted to talk about. You CANNOT move on from all that generationally gifted pain until you face, FEEL, and overcome the gauntlet of emotions and friction you WILL endure as you go through this journey to freedom.

PAIN

I’d rather feel pain than nothing at all. (Three Days Grace)
Artwork about feeling pain, healing, and breaking generational cycles.
Train-themed artwork about letting go and moving forward after pain.
About The Real Cat Williamson — Warrior, Motivator, Survivor.
Healing & Resilience

MARCH 24, 2024: “Straight Up In REAL World” …

The Diary Of My Perfection
Starting tomorrow, just be your real self and stop trying to be someone you’re not — The Real Cat Williamson.

I wonder what it’s like to be a superhero. I wonder where I’d go if I could fly around downtown, yeah. From some other planet, I’d get this funky high on the yellow sun. Boy, I bet my friends will all be stunned.
Straight up, what did you hope to learn about here? If I was someone else, would this all fall apart? Strange, where were you when we started this gig? I wish the real world would just stop hasslin’ me.
{Matchbox Twenty}

HAPPY BIRTHDAY “REAL WORLD“!

I’ve been listenin’ to ya now for a quarter of a century and think you’re the effing bomb-diggity! Who’da thunk that the “me” from way back then would have turned you into one of my favorite self-love songs? Meanwhile …

Dear Me,

Umm, HELLO? Have you met you? You kinda really are a superhero. I mean, you kinda saved yourself, did you not? And while you may not be able to really fly around downtown, much less would you even want to, you’re definitely not from this planet, and you and our girl, The Sun, are always on a funky high.

As for your friends? Some of them are stunned, some of them are STUMPED, some of them think you’re insanity on a stick, and some of them secretly hate you. It’s all good, though!

Be real. Be true. Be yourself.

Straight up, you already do know what you learned about here … that if you were someone else but YOU, this very real world we’ve built would fall the fuck apart, so, let’s not go back to Fakeville.

(ps)

Don’t you DARE ever forget where you were when we started this gig … two spins of a barrel from being DEAD!

In the meantime, let’s just enjoy when the “real world” tries to hassle us … ’cause the last time I checked, if what we’re doing is aggravating the ever-lovin’ HELL out of anyone, then we’re doing it JUST right! Mmmkay? Mmmkay! Straight up!

~ Love, Me

People ask if you ever feel lonely living in your own little world; Cat asks if they ever feel powerless living in everyone else’s.
About The Real Cat Williamson — Warrior, Motivator, Survivor.
Family & Love, Healing & Resilience

OCTOBER 7, 2023: “Three Days Grace & Therapy” …

The Diary Of My Perfection
The Real Cat Williamson: “… just me taking my daughter who’s in recovery from, err … ‘life’ … to her therapist. LOL! JUST KIDDING! We’re on our way to see her ‘lifetime’ favorite band, Three Days Grace, front row CENTER!”

… and just like that, the catharsis began as her tears fell like rain straight from Heaven. The best part of it all was the way all the people beside her and in the row behind her embraced her when they saw that she was clearly being shattered by this song in that moment. None of them knew her story … our story … but they heard, saw, and felt it and went straight to work. It was one of the most beautiful “stranger moments” of both our lives.

Concerts aren’t always just about fun, games, and “music,” by the way. Sometimes they’re a four-hour-long intensive IN-patient therapy session. If you know, YOU KNOW!

For the record, Three Days Grace is to her what 5FDP, Maiden, Shinedown, and 3 Doors Down are to me. They wrote the entire soundtrack to her life, and she’s found so many broken pieces of herself that she might not otherwise have been able to identify had it not been for their presence in her atmosphere.

Meanwhile, there was this ‘lil intersection nugget in the midst of our preparing for the night:

Hey, daughter? Should we run and get you some waterproof mascara?

HELL no, mom! I’m proud of how I’ve walked through all my living nightmares and storms, and I’ll wear the proof of ALL OF THEM like a warrior wears his war paint tonight! I’VE EARNED IT!

It was THE concert of her lifetime, my friends. Oh, and one last thing. When I got the tickets, they were literally the only two good seats left in the house … which (ps) just happened to be front row center. Were they expensive? YUP! No expense was spared for this moment of a lifetime of hers.

Regardless, I had told her over and again that she could take anyone she wanted and that just because I bought them, it didn’t mean that I had to be the obvious choice. I just wanted her to be happy in her element. So I was honored to have been the one she chose to have standing right beside her for it.

Zach standing by a gym window. Cat Williamson’s Facebook memory, January 11, 2017, Allen: “.... that moment you look up only to see him standing in the same exact spot you ever saw him in the first place almost 10 years ago and it STILL gives your heart a flutter. That’s our ‘Rock’ standing there.” Feeling nostalgic. Read “Once in a Lifetime.”

“After silence that which comes nearest to expressing the inexpressible is music.” — Aldous Huxley.

About The Real Cat Williamson — Warrior, Motivator, Survivor.
Watercolor of The Real Cat Williamson with golden light at her heart and flowing teal, lavender, and rose colors.
Healing & Resilience

AUGUST 15, 2023: “You. Are. LEGEND!” …

The Diary Of My Perfection
My body carries me through this life. My soul makes it unmistakably mine. There is fire in me, beauty beyond the mirror, and a light I refuse to surrender. I am magnificent. I AM LEGEND. — The Real Cat Williamson.

NO, I am NOT my body. YES, I very much am the SOUL who resides inside it, and Jean-Claude Van DAMN, I really AM fucking magnificent!

SO ARE YOU!

Never forget that you, too, were created to be the stuff of LEGENDS … GO BE ONE!

I’m a dreamer, live or die. I’m a victor, born to rise. No excuses, wasting time. I’ll sleep in the afterlife.

I’m a champion in this fight. I’m committed, wrong or right. You can’t stop me if you tried.

Can’t stop me!

Won’t stop me!

I AM LEGEND!

Tommee Profitt feat. Colton Dixon, “I Am Legend”

About The Real Cat Williamson — Warrior, Motivator, Survivor.
Healing & Resilience

JUNE 15, 2023: “There Goes My Hero” …

The Diary Of My Perfection
Lioness emerging from the dark beside the words: Everyone wants to be a beast until it's time to do what a REAL beast must do! — The Real Cat Williamson

🎶

Sometimes the song sounds like a reminder to speak the truth, keep moving, and become the hero you were waiting for.

— Inspired by “My Hero,” Foo Fighters

🎶

Hmm? It’s as though they wrote that song so I could sing it to MYSELF every day. Oh, wait! They did … and I do … ’cause it’s allowed!

Hi everyone! It’s me, CAT, and you’re Jean-Claude Van DAMN straight that I’m my own hero! I was sent here this time around to learn how to save MYSELF and not just fucking wait for someone else to do all the beastly things that needed to be done to raise me out of my often self-inflicted ashes.

Hey, look, sometimes a beast really does have to do what the REAL beasts do! Does it get kinda messy sometimes? YUP! Am I the nicest, kindest, sweetest, FUNNIEST, sometimes most ANNOYING bitch on the face of the planet with an unfiltered and REAL truth-bomb mouth that ain’t winning too many popularity contests right now? Umm, YUP! Do I doubt myself even a little? Fuck NO! Been there. Done that. That weak bitch is dead, and this one won’t allow her resurrection.

If you are reading this right now and looking for a hero to swoop down, pull you up off the ground, then help you learn how to fly, look into a mirror RIGHT now! YOU! It’s only YOU who can bring yourself full circle from the darkness into the Light! (Well, you and that silent battalion you have behind you 24/7, too!) So, don’t just stand there and wait for someone else to save you. Grab a cape and SLAY it for yourself!

Kick ass, don’t worry about the names, remember that boundaries are EVERYTHING, and that yes, they can get kinda messy! Not only are YOU worth fighting for, but if you’re a parent like me, YOUR KIDS ARE WATCHING EVERYTHING!

The Real Cat Williamson quote about becoming the broken little girl's biggest fan, voice, and personal superhero, with a lioness emerging from the dark.
About The Real Cat Williamson — Warrior, Motivator, Survivor.
Healing & Resilience, Tributes & Remembrance

OCTOBER 15, 2022: “The Man, The Myth, The Legend!” …

The Diary Of My Perfection

Archive note — October 17, 2026: This entry responds to Ivan Moody’s October 14, 2022 retirement announcement. He withdrew that plan later that month. The original October 2022 reflection is preserved below.

Filmstrip-framed image of Ivan Moody in a red shirt onstage with two of his children, beneath a 2022 headline announcing his planned retirement from Five Finger Death Punch.

I can’t recall when a morning news story ever made me so fucking happy. I literally cried tears of joy for Ivan Moody and his family when I heard these words from his mouth:

So, I made them a deal today, and I’m gonna stick to it. After this year, I am going to make one more Five Finger Death Punch album and then I am retiring from heavy metal.

{Five Finger Death Punch On YouTube}

“The Alchemist” will be leaving the building (or at least that’s what HE said)! That’s right, folks! It appears as though the FUCKER I love the most, who has inspired so many of us to dig deep into our souls and unearth the sobering reality of our own tragic truths, turn ourselves inside out, make peace with our demons, and find our “power and grace,” is dimming the lights.

While scouring the news today, I read, “Well, let’s just hope that the next 5FDP album will come as late as possible.” Yah, yah, I get it. We’re gonna miss him. But I couldn’t disagree more. For as much as I have come to love, respect, and adore him, not as a “rock star,” but as a human fucking being, it’s only right to let him go in peace without a fight. The bottom line is this, my friends:

Ivan doesn’t belong to us!

WE HAVE TO GIVE HIM BACK …

to his family and HIMSELF!

Nothing would make me happier than to never see his face again, be it on a stage or on social media where we’ve all relished being a part of his “family,” if that meant he was riding off into the sunset and sanctuary of his truly personal life and endeavors. No man is more deserving of the next rebirth that will surely come from fading the bright lights that have both propelled and devoured him into the quieter lights of his real family’s hearts and eyes.

After all the tiny pieces of his broken, risen, but probably exhausted phoenix soul that he’s literally bled out to the masses, he has more than earned the right to finally rest his wings and fly back home to the ones he fought so hard to keep living for.

C’mon, people! Those lights almost fucking blinded him, and I know for a fact that he’s given the actual shirt off his back to some of us. Also? Let’s face it. Not everyone has been so grateful for his contributions to the arts and humanity. So, he’s damned if he does and damned if he don’t. Still, the vultures have picked at his living carcass enough, don’t ya think?

There’s a song by another band, Cold, that I’ve loved and listened to for years. The poignant words are clearly written from the perspective of a weary musician:

Whatever you became, blame it on my fame. Always away from you … sold my life for a song. Whatever you feel, I take it on my stage. I sing to the world for you … and I’m always alone.

{“Whatever You Became” — Cold}

These days, I think about him when I hear this song. I say to myself, “Damn it, Ivan, we love you! We ALL mother fucking LOVE you! But haven’t you spent way more than your fair share of all of your power and grace on us? Just free yourself and go home.”

This life we’re living really is just a blip, and yes, the lights will go down. Do everything within your power to ensure that when your door closes for the very last time you leave your light on for the people you’ve left behind and not just a darkened void. It’s how you’ll become “nothing, everything, and ALL of it” and leave this place better than you found it.

{“The Grey High”}

Well, guess what, Fucker? I’m saying, “Job well done!” While I realize this process isn’t gonna happen overnight and we’ll still have some good times to share with you, know that when the last of those lights on your stage goes down, the one you’ll have left behind for all of us will keep on burning bright through that void.

Those of us who’ve been paying attention know there are still many gifts and contributions you’re working on leaving behind for the cause you’re so fucking passionate about. And hey, who knows? Maybe you’ll even find a true and proper queen to ride off into that sunset with one day. You deserve that, too, my friend, and I’m praying that you’ll find her!

About The Real Cat Williamson — Warrior, Motivator, Survivor.
Healing & Resilience, Tributes & Remembrance

AUGUST 19, 2022: “The Great Alchemy” …

The Diary Of My Perfection
  • 12:01 circled in yellow above the AfterLife cover, showing a cream skull with a red handprint; Five Finger Death Punch, “METAL · 2022,” and a red play symbol appear below.
  • AfterLife listening panel with 12:05 circled in yellow and track 10, “All I Know,” highlighted in the track list; the album thumbnail and playing controls appear below.
  • The Real Cat Williamson’s account of hearing AfterLife at 12:01 and feeling her late husband wanted her to hear the first song she chose; silver text and black hearts on charcoal and teal.
  • Framed AfterLife album artwork by Five Finger Death Punch: a cream skull with a red handprint on black, with the album title and “METAL · 2022” below.

Five Finger Death Punch’s new album, AfterLife, dropped at midnight, and it’s mind-blowing, BUT I got stuck on one song: “All I Know.” Meanwhile, while we were chatting with him in the wee hours of the morning, Ivan Moody said the whistling at the intro just came to him one night while he was at his cabin in Wyoming. He said he’d been lying in bed, heard whistling outside his window, then got up and just started writing.

Now, here’s where this “Death Punch” may throw you for a loop, ’cause I’m about to go somewhere that some of you don’t wanna go. I believe the higher power (who I call by the name of “God”) is, indeed, running this greatest show on Earth. As far as I’m concerned, Creation itself is a musical composition straight from His heart to our souls, and the beings He specifically chooses to make music of every kind are His cosmic tuning forks:

“But now bring me a musician.”

Then it happened, when the musician played, that the hand of the Lord came upon him.

[2 Kings 3:15 NKJV]

Meanwhile …

Zach used to whistle and hum all the fucking time, so, before Ivan talked about it, I’d already been captivated by the whistling and listening to it over and over. It was one of the most ethereal moments I’ve ever experienced.

“From Zach’s soul … to God’s ears … to Ivan’s mouth” … then POOF! “A seemingly magical process of transformation” through the creation of the hauntingly beautiful whistle at the beginning of a song that echoed to me just like the many other voices from my past that I believe are sending me messages:

Somehow, the haunting intro to this song with its echoes of what seem like my ancestors calling to me, channeled me back to either the wild, wild west or some ancient arena in Spain where kill or be killed was the fucking assignment, much like it is today during “times like these” when we’re all just fighting not only to survive, but fighting for the will to survive.
{“Times Like These”}

Like my “Brighter Side” moment back in 2020, I believe Zach needed me to hear the message in this song. God used Ivan’s whistling to do it. That’s right, folks: love him or hate him, and as impossible as it may be to conceptualize, Ivan isn’t just some rock star who jumps around on stages worldwide and entertains the masses. His purpose here is bigger than perhaps even he’ll ever know.

He’s a “universal elixir” and tuning fork that God is using to perpetuate His greatest alchemy of all … MUSIC!

Have I ever told you that I’m the luckiest woman alive? Have I told you that I’m thankful to be sitting in all these impossible realities that truly are “all I know,” many of which I don’t even need to understand? Not a day goes by, nor will it ever, that I don’t literally thank Heaven for all the alchemists out there who sing, cry, yell, scream, and “fist pump” the words to the poems they’ve written to help me find the missing pieces of myself and have managed to keep me alive.

ALL I KNOW

I don’t think that I’m crazy. Yeah, but how would I know, when the voices remind me that it’s all just for show. Well, I thought I had answers, but the questions have changed. It’s so hard to feel anything when I’ve only known pain. Pain. You can cast me out and dig my hole. Spit on my grave. Curse my soul. You can hold me down and not let go, but the devil you fear is all I know. And the road that’s less traveled, well, it’s all that I’ve known. Every time I look backwards, there’s still so far to go. If I’m born to be broken … cold, bloody, and numb … tell me, why am I running? What am I running from? From? As I sit here in silence, all alone in myself … who the hell would believe me? Better yet, who would I tell? I can’t tell. {Five Finger Death Punch}

  • “What Is Alchemy?” in large silver lettering on textured charcoal and smoky blue-green, with a thin red line beneath.
  • Alchemy, noun: the medieval forerunner of chemistry, based on the supposed transformation of matter. It was concerned particularly with attempts to convert base metals into gold or to find a universal elixir. Second meaning: a seemingly magical process of transformation, creation, or combination. A red “see also” arrow with a skull points right beneath a small image of Ivan Moody and Alchemy.
  • Ivan Moody seen from behind in a red shirt and printed shorts, one foot on a stage riser, beside the silver Alchemy microphone stand in blue-white light and haze.
  • “... it carries sounds, filters energy, and directs vibration ... much like a tuning fork ... but for my soul.” — Ivan L. Moody. A silver infinity symbol appears beneath the quotation on a dark teal and charcoal background.
  • Alchemy shown upright: a silver sculptural microphone stand with a skull, articulated spine, cartridge-like ribs, and a dense conical base, illuminated by blue haze and a faint red rim light.

A fountain-pen nib above “But why poetry?” ... because love, hope, joy, desire, sorrow, grief, anger, heartache, EVERY other emotion and tears are usually only temporary ... the written word is not. — The Real Cat Williamson.

Read “When Real Was Just 3 Doors Down,” September 10, 2020, by The Real Cat Williamson. “Being REAL is better than being PERFECT.”

The silver Alchemy microphone stand displayed horizontally, with its microphone and skull at left, articulated spine through the center, and sculpted conical base at right, against dark blue haze.
About The Real Cat Williamson — Warrior, Motivator, Survivor.
Healing & Resilience

NOVEMBER 14, 2021: “I’ll Prevail (And Rise Above It)!” …

The Diary Of My Perfection
“The Falling“

For every other person who “shows the world” nothin’ but the lollipops and rainbows in their lives, there are the ones like me who are here to keep things REAL! I hit the ground this weekend and leveled the YEARS of blood, sweat, tears, and toil slaying my dragon. Literally, and not metaphorically, all that hard work went in the fucking toilet. Yes, my friends, even phoenixes crash and burn, especially when what’s eating her alive is a living, breathing spider web that is currently trying to devour my babies.

For now, I’ll just have to forgive myself with all the power and grace I am, get the crown back up on my head, pick up my sword, and put this bitch to sleep again. I am only as weak as my very worst enemy, which, for now, has just become me. This, too, shall pass, and, “Just for today, I will try to live through THIS day only.”

The next time you see me, I’ll be at one of the most MAGICAL places on this planet with the Mona Lisa, gearing up to return and face a dragon. Oh, and by the way, I will NOT rest until the day that FUCKING Venom suit is finally off my kid’s body. In the meantime, this one’s for you, my Dragon BITCH:

Even phoenixes crash and burn — rise again quote by The Real Cat Williamson.

About The Real Cat Williamson — Warrior, Motivator, Survivor.
Healing & Resilience

JULY 26, 2021: “The Divine Apostrophe” …

The Diary Of My Perfection

She had come to believe it was the dark days of the past that made her impossibly strong. It was years before she realized she was wrong. She was forged by His design.

“Strong” is what she was.
“Light” is who she’d be.
The darkness merely forced her to prove it.

As she was pulled towards her destiny with a blind faith that swathed her in power and grace, her soul — which “should have been” broken – remained UNbroken. She never stopped believing in God and love and refused to be a jaded victim.

She was the girl who smiled when it rained, danced as her life unraveled, and rejected the devil’s lie that life just wasn’t worth living. Then, right on cue, the vivid palette she’d been handed by The Master morphed into the grey that infused her canvas.

She would have to rewrite her fairy tale an infinite number of times, but never did she cower at starting over. Deep in her heart, she knew she was sent to master the art of diving deep into her own soul and embracing the love and magic that had been waiting to meet her there all along. Somehow she knew that every ending was just a beginning and that even the most beautiful seasons had to change.

Each time the devil tried to steal the crown from her head, she’d adapt, survive, and emerge from her cocoon as the ungroundable Phoenix she was. She was a creation of Light that couldn’t be dimmed … God’s very favorite daughter and divinely appointed “apostrophe”:

I’m an apostrophe. I’m just a symbol to remind you that there’s more to see. I’m just a product of the system. A catastrophe … and yet a masterpiece … and yet I’m half diseased … and when I am deceased, at least I’ll go down to the grave and die happily … leave the body and my soul to be a part of thee. I’ll do what it takes.
{“Whatever It Takes” … Imagine Dragons}

“She” is me!

“She” can be YOU!

If you are stumbling in a darkness of your own, please pick up that crown the devil kicked off your head and put it right back where it belongs! Not just for you, but for the others who are standing in your halo. Even as you read this, your name is being mentioned in rooms you’ve yet to enter where plans are being drawn by The Powers just for you!

As for me?

Like the stars in the sky that punctuate humanity with their halos, I’ll continue to beam through the infinite abyss that would love nothing better than to swallow me alive. I’ll keep reminding myself that my soul is ablaze with all the mysterious and illustrious things that dying eyes desperately need to see to help them find their way back home.

We were all created from perfection! We were all divinely inspired! We are all a product of the Light that the darkness in this world wants to extinguish, and we are all God’s “favorite” children!

A moment to reflect

What is one part of your light that no difficult season has been able to extinguish?

Continue the story:
God’s Favorite Daughter
NO ONE Comes for the Queen!

  • Rumi quote poster, redesigned
About The Real Cat Williamson — Warrior, Motivator, Survivor.
Healing & Resilience

MARCH 8, 2021: “The Fortress Behind These Walls” …

The Diary Of My Perfection
A fortress-themed centerpiece about boundaries, trauma, and protecting the heart.

A friend of mine posted something on his social media recently that really hit me hard:

The inability to receive support from others is a trauma response. Your “I don’t need anyone; I’ll just do it all myself” conditioning is a survival tactic. You needed it to shield your heart from the abuse, neglect, betrayal, and disappointment from those who could not or would not be there for you. From the parent who was absent and abandoned you, perhaps by choice. From the parent didn’t intend to abandon you but was never home because they were working three jobs to feed and house you. From the lovers who offered sexual intimacy, but never offered a safe haven to honor your heart. From friendships and family who ALWAYS took more than they ever gave. From all the situations when someone told you, “We’re in this together” or “I got you”, then, they ended up leaving you behind to pick up all the pieces when shit got real … leaving you to handle not just your part, but sometimes their part, too, in the messes that were made in your life. From all of those lies and betrayals along the way, you learned that you just really couldn’t trust people – OR – that you COULD trust people, but only up to that point when “being there for you” was convenient or not such a hassle for them.

Let me tell you why this post REALLY upset me …

“The fortress” that is being spoken of in this post? He was my husband! He’s still my son! She was my daughter! SHE WAS ME! “A fortress” is what so many kids are becoming today, even as I write this, and I’m sickened to say that because there are certain parenting and lifestyle-choice boundaries that are just not okay to cross, I have sometimes had to sit silently and helplessly as so many parents I know literally decimate their children right in front of my eyes!

Yes, I’m a queen. Yes, I’m healed, risen, and SOARING after a lifetime of hiding behind the fortress walls that I built for myself. Yes, I’m thankful for every thing, person, and situation that broke me, because I wouldn’t have had anything to ascend from had I not come from all these ashes. I would never have known how to recognize or receive true, unconditional love, grace, acceptance, and kindness from the very few people who have ever offered it to me had I not had to live behind my own walls.

EXTREME INDEPENDENCE IS A TRUST ISSUE!

You learned: “If I don’t put myself in a situation where I really rely on someone, I won’t have to be disappointed when they don’t show up for me – OR – “WHEN they drop the ball … because they WILL drop the ball EVENTUALLY!” – OR – “When they SLAM the ball back in my face because they just got fucking SICK of helping me carry it around!”

You may even have been intentionally taught this protection strategy by generations of hurt ancestors who came before you.

You may even have been unintentionally taught this protection strategy by generations of hurt ancestors who came before you, and you don’t even know it. As we all know, many toxic family traits are generational in nature.

EXTREME INDEPENDENCE IS A PRE-EMPTIVE STRIKE AGAINST HEARTBREAK!

So, you don’t trust ANYONE, right? And you don’t trust YOURSELF either? ESPECIALLY, you don’t trust yourself to choose people correctly? To trust is to hope. To trust is to be vulnerable. “Never again,” you vow! But no matter how you dress it up and display it proudly to make it seem that this level of independence is what you always wanted to be … in truth it’s your wounded, scarred, broken heart behind a protective wall. Impenetrable! Nothing gets in … no one gets hurt …BUT NO LOVE GETS IN, EITHER! Fortresses and armor are for those in battle, or for those who believe that a battle is coming.

EXTREME INDEPENDENCE IS A TRAUMA RESPONSE!

But the good news is that ACKNOWLEDGED trauma can be HEALED trauma! So, with that, to all you selfish, toxic, ABUSIVE “parents” running around out there:

WAKE THE FUCK UP AND GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER!

I won’t be remembered as the woman who kept her mouth shut — The Real Cat Williamson.

For Christ’s actual sake, get your kids out of toxic environments you have them in. Protect them! Cherish them! Validate them! Hear them! Consider your children FIRST in every single decision you make! Worse yet, stop letting the people who have hurt YOU continue to hurt your children! IT’S GROSS! By failing to heal yourself and find a way to have healthy relationships after the ones that have broken you apart, you only perpetuate the cycle of “victimized brokenness” that you will then gift to your innocently jaded children. I mean, c’mon now, “mom or dad” … do you really want to be one of those parents whose children only ever come to visit you when they absolutely HAVE to because although they do still actually love you, they have to make the decision to love you from a distance because they have to protect themselves from YOU?

In the meantime, I’ll just keep praying that someday I don’t get that call that a child I once knew and loved swallowed a bullet because their miserable excuses for “parents” couldn’t get their shit together, or “deserved the life that they deserved,” and now I have to show up to that child’s funeral because they just couldn’t deal anymore. But mostly, I’ll be praying that someday, somehow, any child or adult who lives behind the walls of their own fortress will one day be able to stand in front of a mirror and say:

I AM WORTHY of having support!
I AM WORTHY of having true partnership!
I AM WORTHY of love!
I AM WORTHY of having my heart held!
I AM WORTHY to be adored!
I AM WORTHY to be cherished!
I AM WORTHY to have someone say, “You rest – I got this”, and actually fucking deliver on that promise!
I don’t have to earn it!
I don’t have to prove it!
I don’t have to bargain for it!
I don’t have to beg for it!

I AM WORTHY!

Boundaries poster by The Real Cat Williamson: stay over there; I’ll stay over here because I love me too.
About The Real Cat Williamson — Warrior, Motivator, Survivor.
Family & Love, Healing & Resilience

DECEMBER 16, 2020: “Once … In A Lifetime” …

The Diary Of My Perfection
Weight machines in front of the large gym window at Life Time, beneath two wall-mounted televisions.

I just walked back into Lifetime and reinstated my membership! Didn’t crumble. Didn’t cry. Didn’t fall apart. It just felt like I was home. It’s totally supposed to be this way. This is such a giant leap. And it was Gia’s final decision—not mine.
“Mom, dad wouldn’t want us working out anywhere else. It would wreck him. Besides, queens don’t work out at 24-hour fitness!”
Chairs and computers at Life Time; Cat recalls sitting here when her first meaningful conversation with Zach began.

I DID IT! I walked back into the very place the best season of our lives began, held my head high, straightened my crown, and took back another piece of my life that I was certain I’d have to forsake as I slowly begin the widow’s process of crossing over.

I even stood before “the window” and didn’t cry. I just remembered. I remembered all of it! I remembered “every day” we got to have him for the most beautiful season of our lives.

And by the way, that chair you see to the left of the computer is the very one I was sitting in when our first meaningful conversation began. You know? The one that started our entire love story with the shot heard round the world:

Catherine? Can I ask you a question? Do you even OWN a hairbrush?

Jean-Claude Van DAMN! I’m smiling ear to ear as I’m literally hearing him say it! You see, it was his sometimes brutal honesty with me that not only brought me to where I am today, but changed the formerly broken narrative I’d had running in my mind courtesy of virtually all the other “men” who’d come before him and never even tried to lead me:

Don’t trust men … they will only ever lie … up to and including GOD!

So, with that, I will now remix the words to Keith Urban’s all-too-fitting “Once in a Lifetime” in a manner that the KING who loved this formerly broken queen back to life would have said them if, as I suspect, he really was watching through his supernova telescope as I fought my way through one of the most powerful moments of my “lifetime” like the heavyweight champion I’ve become:

I can see it in your eyes, and I’ve felt it in your touch. I know that you’re scared, but you’ve never been this loved. It’s a long shot, baby, I know it’s true, but if anyone can make it, I’m betting on the two of you.
Just keep on moving towards the Sun. I know you’re gonna see that the best is yet to come. Don’t fear it now. You’re going all the way. That Sun is shining on a brand new day. It’s a long way down, and it’s a leap of faith, but you’re never giving up, ’cause we had a once in a lifetime love.
Everybody’s looking for what we found. Some wait their whole life and it never comes around. So don’t hold back now. Just let go of all you’ve ever known. You can put your hand in His. Don’t fear it now. You’re going all the way. That Sun is shining on a brand new day.
I closed my eyes and I saw you standing right there, saying I do and they’re throwing the rice in our hair. Well, your first was born, then his sister came along, and they’ve got your smile. I’ve been looking back on the life we had. I’m still by your side.
So don’t fear it now. You’re going all the way! I’ll never let you go. I’ll be right by your side. Just know I’ve made it Home and thanked God for our “once, in a Lifetime” love!

Zach standing by a gym window. Cat Williamson’s Facebook memory, January 11, 2017, Allen: “.... that moment you look up only to see him standing in the same exact spot you ever saw him in the first place almost 10 years ago and it STILL gives your heart a flutter. That’s our ‘Rock’ standing there.” Feeling nostalgic.
About The Real Cat Williamson — Warrior, Motivator, Survivor.
Healing & Resilience

SEPTEMBER 10, 2020: “When Real Was Just 3 Doors Down” …

The Diary Of My Perfection

Dear Diary,

This credit is SO long overdue. That is all.

Love, REAL Cat

My “surface level only” policy where relationships are concerned is fast becoming a sham, and I desperately need to make the words in my letter to her real. In the meantime, I’m still alive, though not so well here in my beautiful ivory tower as I continue my rule over a magical kingdom where everything appears to be perfect. “Queen Catherine The Perfect”: Perfect life … perfect family … perfect house … perfect car … perfectly happy, with all the perfect things that accompany my perfection.

I’m the envy of every woman I know, covered in diamonds from head to toe, with a loving husband by my side at every turn (or so it seems). I play this perfect role so that my family remains happy and blissfully unscathed by all the secrets from my past, and so the painful memories I have yet to leave behind don’t interfere with their lives in any way.

Despite the seemingly perfect, bright, and sunny existence I awaken to each morning, there’s a storm cloud hovering above that follows me everywhere I go. I’m beginning to think that maybe I haven’t cried enough these last 16 years and the “cloud” in my atmosphere is all those unshed tears. The storm is coming fast, though … I CAN FEEL IT ON MY SKIN! But will there be a rainbow afterwards?

It seems like only yesterday when a stranger took my innocence, and since that moment Fate has continued to rape me. It’s been just about a year since I entered that hospital, spirit broken, but body still somewhat whole. One week later I walked back out, leaving behind the last remnants of what once made me a woman. The physical scars that I wear are now clear and tactile proof that I am nothing but an empty shell.

These years were not imagined — they were real! At night, sometimes I cry, grasping my pillow tightly so the precious baby girl sleeping beside me doesn’t hear. Then, in the morning, I awake and prepare myself for the day that awaits and walk out of my bedroom an illusion. My children greet me with their glorious smiles, ignorant of my pain, and this is the way it is.

{“The Real Life”}

Read “The Great Alchemy,” August 19, 2022. “... I thought I had answers, but the questions have changed.” — Five Finger Death Punch.
About The Real Cat Williamson — Warrior, Motivator, Survivor.