How, Cat? HOW do you keep on going? WHY haven’t you just given up?
me:
Umm, because I promised myself a long damn time ago that I’d NEVER let myself down again as these seasons keep changing and changing. And believe it or not, the Light in me IS much stronger than the dark! So, I picture FUTURE me standing at the horizon—with a sword in one hand and fire in my eyes—waiting for YOUNGER me to reach the divide! Also? I sing my favorite love song to myself literally every single day because I am my own greatest love story. That’s how!
I must admit, it took me some time to find the right words to honor this post by the man today. After quite a bit of processing, however, here’s what I’ve come up with …
Yah. It’s like THAT! There are no words big enough to describe how deeply I love this man for who he is. Ivan, I’ll be eternally grateful for everything you’ve done for not just me, but for the entirety of your faithful and beloved Death Punch family.
Oh, and one last thing …
To my kids, their kids, and hopefully even their kids one day: PLEASE listen to everything he’s saying here. Then turn those sentiments back toward your own hearts and hear them as my words to all of you. I love you! ~ Momma
Hi everyone! It’s me, REAL Cat, and it looks like I’m effing KILLING this whole “being myself” dealio! I literally AM an entire shit show of magnificent proportions, and I wouldn’t have me any other way! K, bye now! Oh, and HAPPY BIRTHDAY, MR. EMERSON! Here’s hoping you’d be proud of my EPIC life accomplishment!
Back in 1986, Corey Hart gave birth to this beautiful song, “Goin’ Home,” via one of my favorite albums of all time, “Fields Of Fire“! Little did I know that thirty-nine years later, its embers would remain quietly flickering in the deepest chambers of my heart.
MEANWHILE …
To My Kids:
This is me “standing at the divide”—better known as “the post office of my life”—not so silently praying, if not begging, for you all to take up permanent residency in YOURSELVES:
“When the seasons change and we’re in for colder weather I won’t let you down when the seasons change. I won’t go down. I’ll fight through the pain. I’ll be there right by your side. I’ll never let them bring you down when the seasons change.”
Guess who just turned THREE today? If you said, “It’s AfterLife by Five Finger Death Punch!” then DING DING DING DING DING! You won a prize! Let’s face it, though—that prolly didn’t happen, since not everyone’s an off-their-rockerknucklehead like me!
Meanwhile, let’s talk about it! The “afterlife,” that is! To begin, let’s take a look at guitarist Zoltan Bathory’s interpretation of this BANGER:
In his track-by-track commentary for Apple Music, Bathory reads “AfterLife” as a call to use our free will and take action in the life we have, rather than waiting for a higher power to intervene. He makes clear that this is his interpretation of Ivan Moody’s lyrics.
You’d cut your nose off just to spite your fuckin’ face! That’s who you are! You know your place! You let them lead you by the throat with broken hands! So, how’s the view beneath their shoe (and what’s your plan)? It goes on and on and on and on and on (an old broken record stuck on the same song)! It goes on and on and on and on and on (we all know it’s wrong, but we’re singing along)!
NO! No, I DON’T! No, I don’t wanna wait for Heaven to change me! No, I don’t wanna have to wait for the fall! No, I don’t wanna wait for Heaven to change things! I don’t wanna wait to fall on the knife! I don’t wanna wait! I DON’T WANNA WAIT! Forever after … this disaster … BRING THE AFTERLIFE!
A line often attributed to the Sufi poet and mystic Rumi says, “The cure for the pain is in the pain.” I couldn’t agree more. Like the most beautiful, albeit bittersweet, dances with love, that wisdom has transcended time and space.
As for me, I believe pain and suffering have also transcended time and space through the root systems of our family trees. The agony lives on until someone finally says, “No more!” and decides to calm the fire of that generationally gifted pain within themselves. That’s how we begin to stop the toxins that poisoned our roots from bleeding through the hearts of the generations that follow.
… the Monday after he shot himself, someone hauled my ass to the doctor. They wanted to make sure I was medicated so that I could function. So, they put me on a prescription of something for 30 days. Umm, I don’t even know what it was. I just remember I was numb. My mom came to move in to the house with me for a while. Of course, I didn’t leave my room unless I had to … to handle, like, the business of it all … go the funeral home, make the arrangements … but I didn’t leave my room that much. Plus, they were shoving drugs down my throat to help me cope with everything. And, umm, I had a 30-day prescription of whatever it was. Honestly? I couldn’t tell you what they had me on. I wanna say it was Klonapin. Whatever it was, it was pretty effective. I was numb … I couldn’t feel anything … but after my prescription was over on the 30th day … 35 days later I guess we’ll just call it … I had no more medication. I had no more … nothing to numb the pain or the reality or to change anything, and it was time for me to wake up and smell the coffee.
And you know what? I remember that I have these blinds in my room. Well, it was our room. We kept the blinds down all the time to black out all the Sun. We would do that at night, so … we liked to sleep in the total darkness. And they had those blinds down. For 30 days in a row, I never opened them throughout the whole medication process after the 22nd. But, on the day that my medicine ran out, there was nobody there, my mom had already gone home. It was just me and the dog and my new reality … my new life … and I got up and I put my feet on the ground and I just … I remember going to the window, and I opened up my blinds, and I looked out into the backyard. I looked at the Sun. I look at the sky. It was a blue sky. It was really pretty outside. It was September. It was the end of September when that day happened, and I just made a decision. I said to myself, “I can either let this define me or I can not. I can either be a victim or not. I can either crumble or not. I can either get up or stay down.” And I made the decision to get up and that was then.
I’m so glad. I’m so thankful. I’m so thankful for everything I’ve been through in the last … not just the last 283 days or whatever … I’m so thankful for everything that I’ve been through in the last 50 years. I’m gonna cry. I wouldn’t change a thing! Everything. Every moment. Every time I’ve fallen. Every time I’ve risen. In the darkest hours of my life, that’s where I found the richest blessings. That’s where I found myself. I found myself in all my broken pieces. All of that pain … the pain that I have experienced has been my greatest gift … my greatest blessing.
I wish so much that I had a way to “ozmose” what I know and how I feel and what I’ve learned on my journey to as many of you as I can, because I know there are people in my atmosphere right now as I’m sitting here waiting for my girls. I call them “my girls”. (My daughter’s friends are my daughters, too. That’s how it’s always been in my house. She’s got a knack for picking amazing girls to surround herself … now, put it this way. She hasn’t always been so good at that, but she’s got a really good tribe now, and these are her tribe for the long haul. I’m thinking that the people that she has in her life right now are gonna be her people 40 years from now. I can tell! But anyway, I’ve digressed.)
I know that there are people in this world at this very minute that are crumbling. They’re questioning … they’re hurting … they’re aching … they’re dying … they’re hiding … they’re fighting for their moment … and I wish that I could just give you what I have and just “poof” it into you, but all I can tell you is just hang on. It’s “Chin Up! Knuckles Out!” You know that’s what I like to say. I’m telling you guys … everything that you need to survive and overcome? It’s inside of you. If I can do this, YOU can do this! I am the happiest fucking bitch I’ve ever met. I really am. I have joy in my heart. I have peace in my heart. I hope I don’t have to leave tomorrow, but if I do, I’m happy. I have lived and I have loved. I’ve had the most amazing pain and the most amazing loves of two men in my life that … three, if you count Christian … my son, Christian … I have been lucky enough to have had the sweetest, most truest love that any woman could have ever had. I’ve had that twice now, and how lucky am I, because there are women in this world that haven’t had that once.
And when I think about all of the things … all of the gifts that those two men left for me, I’m so thankful, because … I wouldn’t change it even if I had known the way the stories were gonna end. As painful as it was to watch the one guy hit the … I watched someone dying on … I’ve watched THREE people die. I watched a daughter die in my arms. I saw a man dying in the street. The man … the first man that I ever loved in my life … I watched him laid out in the middle of the road after he hit a brick wall going 90 miles an hour. I had to see that with my own eyes.
And then I watched my husband “dying out loud“. I watched him. I didn’t … I wasn’t with him when he shot himself, but I watched him dying. I watched it day by day. It was the worst thing. I mean, I can’t even tell you. It was so hard to do. It was unbearable to see a human being dying in front of me. But I did it. But I wouldn’t … and had I … even had I known the way it was gonna end, I wouldn’t trade it. I wouldn’t trade it for the world, because I figured out the secret. I figured out … I figured everything out and I’m so thankful for that.
Please, God, let it be me! Let me be the one to have absorbed the very last drops of poison that bled out and suffocated the rotting roots of our sick and dying tree so that the branches of my children and theirs will reach up and touch the Sun instead of digging back down into hell. I am humbled and honored to have been chosen for such a sacred calling and for getting to know “the secret”.
Happy Birthday to this song I’ve been listening to faithfully for going on thirty-one years now. It, too, has transcended the time, space, and beautiful changing seasons of my life.
Quite thankfully, NO, the “broken and despondent angel on her knees” in this picture is NOT who I am, yet, in so many ways, she was in the way long days gone by. Then? I started counting my blessings instead of my scars.
Meanwhile, everyone’s gotta pick and choose the battle cry “fight words” that fit them best, right? Especially in that, for the most part, we are what we “believe, say, think, and manifest” ourselves to be. And by “for the most part,” I mean to make WOEFULLY clear that despite the fact that yes, there are people in this world who REALLY take that literally, NO, it doesn’t ALWAYS quite work that way:
I believe, say, think, and manifest myself to be an orangutan driving a Bentley across the water.
💥POOF!💥
So, how’s THAT working for ya? I’m guessing that you have NOT just transformed into a primate with a really pimp ride on skis, just Jesus-ing your way across the Sea of Galilee?
… BUT …
All in all it’s a good life, I got what I want … I can’t complain!
Now, those are some words you can “believe, say, think, and manifest” right this minute … no matter what, every day! See how that works? Gotta love it, and all these often EPIC amounts of bullshittery and SHAM PAIN moments living amongst sometimes not so “human-ity” here on Earth!
By the way, if you ARE gonna try and manifest yourself into an animal, maybe DON’T make it an orangutan. While they are, indeed, HIGHLY intelligent, ALWAYS smiling, incredibly majestic and important creatures, eating with your feet just CANNOT be that fun all the time. Ya know what I’m sayin’? Oh, and one LAST but certainly not LEAST thing:
So, tell me, friend: WHO’S YOUR PERSON? As for me, I can honestly say that, other than mykids and my ailing German Shepherd who’s just about to cross The Bridge, my “person” is ME. Just me. Guess what? THAT’S OKAY!
I mean, don’t get me wrong—I very much DO have a handful of EPIC ride-or-die “got your clockers” in this life, some of whom I’ve never even met, but those women all have lives and families of their own, so, logistically speaking, I’m on my own here.
A room full of people doesn’t guarantee a single real connection. Sometimes being unseen and unheard can feel lonelier than being by yourself.
Meanwhile, Haruki Murakami writes in his story “U.F.O. in Kushiro”:
No matter how far you travel, you can never get away from yourself.
— Haruki Murakami, translated by Jay Rubin
Both of these thoughts make me sad for anyone who hasn’t yet learned to “see, hear, and understand” themselves so that they never feel alone, even in a crowded room, and even sadder for those who need to “get away from themselves.”
Have I ever told you that I sing love songs to myself? Like, as in I literally SING to myself … every day! It’s called “That Music Thing,” and it’s one of the most valuable mental wealth hacks I’ve ever empowered myself with.
When the seasons change and we’re in for colder weather, look for me on the divide. I won’t let you down when the seasons change. I won’t go down. I’ll fight through the pain. I’ll be there right by your side. I’ll never let them bring you down. I won’t let you down. When the seasons change.
— Five Finger Death Punch, “When The Seasons Change”
Can U imagine being 18, 19, or 20 and getting in this metal coffin to travel across the English Channel while standing in an ankle deep mixture of cold sea water and puke knowing that when that door drops, U have to step out, and if everything goes right, U’ll be on a beach in France? And if everything doesn’t go perfectly, U’ll step out and swim to a beach lugging 80lbs of gear into a hail of bullets and mortars and the sound of 1,000 machine guns meant to send U to Ur Maker. This was not, “Oh, shit! I forgot to study for my Physics test!”, or, “I can’t find a job!”, or, “Damnit! I can’t pay my cell phone bill this month!”, or, “My girlfriend broke up with me!” or, God forbid, “They didn’t call me by my right pronouns!” … or any other tragedies that might wake up a 19 year old today. No. U’ve been handed a gun, a helmet, and some some rations, and U’ve been told good luck by some officers back in Dover who know, at best, 50% U aren’t coming home, and if things go sideways, 90% of U may bleed out on a beach a few miles away or drown just trying to get there. The bravery and the terror is never quite captured in the photos. Even the very best of them.
{Craig Chase}
Meanwhile …
It’s hard to tell these days and which way that we’re falling. I’m not sure any more what’s right or what is wrong. It hurts to feel … to think … to know I may be nothing. But then again, I’ve been wrong before. I’ve opened up my eyes just to wish that I’d stayed blind!
It’s hard to fathom just how fast we all are spinning. It’s hard to know that there’s a heaven beyond hell. It burns a hole right through my soul to think it’s ending. But then again, I’ve been right before. I’ve opened up my eyes just to find out you’re all blind!
Make a wish … say a prayer … hope that Someone is out there. Build a bridge to Babylon then burn it to the ground!
Blacken out the sky and let the arrows fly. It’s never over … not ’til it’s over. Outside looking in, when do the nightmares end? Over and over, until it’s over! The end!
{Five Finger Death Punch}
For the record, I truly am an outside-the-box, highly conservative yet liberal woman who believes that love should always win regardless of its race, color, creed, or orientation. I won’t stand for bashing, slurs, or hate of any kind against human beings who also live outside a black-and-white box with no room for grace from those who don’t adhere to the principle of “to each his own.”
As I said in the video, while “the pronoun war” is not mine to fight and way over my pay grade, anyone whose flag is different than mine is judgment-free and safe in my company. Imma leave that whole ordeal up to The Pro and just pray there will be plenty of grace for me when it’s my turn to step out of that proverbial U-boat in the sky and face my Maker. Good GRIEF, is my infraction list gonna take an eternity to comb through.
Lol! And to think that my Cleveland Browns-lovin’ friend wasn’t trying to be profound! You see, that’s what made his words profound. In the end, the truth doesn’t require profundity. It’s self-evident. Wake up, my friends! Open up your eyes and welcome to fuckin’ Babylon!
(ps)
Here’s betting that the vast majority of adults who read this—much less today’s “woke but going NOWHERE” kids—won’t understand why “you” was spelled “U” in my friend’s “Wake Up U Awoken Ones” post.
It’s Veterans Day, again, and a highly annoying question I was recently asked on Quora just rushed to the forefront of my mind:
What’s the most sensitive way to express skepticism toward a war veteran’s stories from battle?
My answer was as raw, unfiltered, and scathing as I’ve ever gotten. Fair warning and full disclosure: If you have a weak stomach when it comes to blood and carnage, this Diary entry is not for you:
Umm, so, let me ask you a question, “Anonymous.” When’s the last time you witnessed someone’s head getting blown off two feet in front of you? When’s the last time you had to pick someone’s arms and legs off your own face? When’s the last time you had to throw an M26A1 into a village full of women, children, and babies, then “watch a young girl cry and her mother scream,” knowing full damn fucking well it was you who’d be making those angels fly away? When’s the last time you hid in a trench while LITERAL hell on fucking Earth was airborne over your back and all you could do was pray to GOD that you’d get to see your family’s faces again?
Unless or until you can get back to me with the firm date and time that you had to participate in any of the living nightmares listed above in the name of your god and your country, and tell me how you “just got over it,” I think you should go wash your brain out with either a bucket of soap and water or some battery acid.
I mean, seriously? I’ve never been in the military or an actual war, but I have watched my own child die in my arms, watched the first true love of my life hit a brick wall on his Harley going 90 with no helmet (to which my immediate response was to actually attempt to put his brains back into his head to no avail), and I also live with the daily knowledge that the second true love of my life, my late husband, blew his own fucking brains out in a dirt lot a block away from our home that I still live in but can’t move away from until our daughter graduates high school, because I’m trying desperately to keep things “stable” for her to the best of my human ability despite the fact that I have to drive the FUCK by “the spot” sometimes multiple times a day.
I also bear the honor of being related to a retired brigadier general, and have spent time in the company of many other combat veterans I’ve been in PTSD group therapies with over the years. As such, I’ve “heard stories” that I’ll never get to unhear or forget. As it turns out, NOT dying with your boots on is one of the cruelest ironies of all and can keep a soldier “dead alive” in a mental prison on the exact “Wrong Side Of Heaven” forever.
My point being this: Who the fuck are you to question the validity of a war veteran’s “stories”? PTSD is a bastard fucking demon like no other on the face of this Earth, and if, as I suspect, you haven’t ever tried it, I cannot NOT recommend it enough. Maybe then you’ll know better than to write unacceptable, bullshit questions like this ever again.
Fuck you, ya Jean-Claude Van DAMN little mega douche.
(PS) I hope this answer wasn’t too “insensitive” for you!
Five Finger Death Punch’s “Wrong Side of Heaven” lives in the impossible space between guilt and grace—where someone can feel abandoned by God, mirrored by the devil, unsure of right and wrong, and trapped between what they’ve survived and what they still have to carry.
— Inspired by “Wrong Side of Heaven,” Five Finger Death Punch
Archive note — October 17, 2026: This entry responds to Ivan Moody’s October 14, 2022 retirement announcement. He withdrew that plan later that month. The original October 2022 reflection is preserved below.
I can’t recall when a morning news story ever made me so fucking happy. I literally cried tears of joy for Ivan Moody and his family when I heard these words from his mouth:
So, I made them a deal today, and I’m gonna stick to it. After this year, I am going to make one more Five Finger Death Punch album and then I am retiring from heavy metal.
While scouring the news today, I read, “Well, let’s just hope that the next 5FDP album will come as late as possible.” Yah, yah, I get it. We’re gonna miss him. But I couldn’t disagree more. For as much as I have come to love, respect, and adore him, not as a “rock star,” but as a human fucking being, it’s only right to let him go in peace without a fight. The bottom line is this, my friends:
Ivan doesn’t belong to us!
WE HAVE TO GIVE HIM BACK …
to his family and HIMSELF!
Nothing would make me happier than to never see his face again, be it on a stage or on social media where we’ve all relished being a part of his “family,” if that meant he was riding off into the sunset and sanctuary of his truly personal life and endeavors. No man is more deserving of the next rebirth that will surely come from fading the bright lights that have both propelled and devoured him into the quieter lights of his real family’s hearts and eyes.
C’mon, people! Those lights almost fucking blinded him, and I know for a fact that he’s given the actual shirt off his back to some of us. Also? Let’s face it. Not everyone has been so grateful for his contributions to the arts and humanity. So, he’s damned if he does and damned if he don’t. Still, the vultures have picked at his living carcass enough, don’t ya think?
There’s a song by another band, Cold, that I’ve loved and listened to for years. The poignant words are clearly written from the perspective of a weary musician:
Whatever you became, blame it on my fame. Always away from you … sold my life for a song. Whatever you feel, I take it on my stage. I sing to the world for you … and I’m always alone.
These days, I think about him when I hear this song. I say to myself, “Damn it, Ivan, we love you! We ALL mother fucking LOVE you! But haven’t you spent way more than your fair share of all of your power and grace on us? Just free yourself and go home.”
This life we’re living really is just a blip, and yes, the lights will go down. Do everything within your power to ensure that when your door closes for the very last time you leave your light on for the people you’ve left behind and not just a darkened void. It’s how you’ll become “nothing, everything, and ALL of it” and leave this place better than you found it.
Well, guess what, Fucker? I’m saying, “Job well done!” While I realize this process isn’t gonna happen overnight and we’ll still have some good times to share with you, know that when the last of those lights on your stage goes down, the one you’ll have left behind for all of us will keep on burning bright through that void.
Those of us who’ve been paying attention know there are still many gifts and contributions you’re working on leaving behind for the cause you’re so fucking passionate about. And hey, who knows? Maybe you’ll even find a true and proper queen to ride off into that sunset with one day. You deserve that, too, my friend, and I’m praying that you’ll find her!
Three years ago this hour, the police chief of my small North Texas town walked into the hospital where my broken daughter lay to tell me they’d found my husband dead in his car, courtesy of the hollow point he’d put in his own head.
No, I don’t think God was laughing that day or that He laughs on any of the days we spend facing the wrath of His angels. In fact, I’m certain that He was on that hospital floor wailing with me and holding me tight as every shred of what I’d come to believe was truth turned out to be the devil’s lie. God DID give me wings, but it was MY job to learn to fly. I had to face not just Zack’s, but my own “devil in the mirror” before I could ascend to the sky.
Yes, the end IS coming, and no, I don’t think I mind. I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again … as hard as this “living” thing can be, I have no intention of dying unless and until HE says it’s my time. In the meantime, imma stick around here as long as I’m allowed as the UNBREAKABLErisen QUEEN I was born to be.
As for the devil? Come for me, motherfucker! In case you haven’t noticed, my soul is already spoken for, and PS, you’re NOT the one who gets it! That’s not a challenge … IT’S FACT!
Wow! I guess that wasn’t too graceful, now was it? If you’ve been around this Diary long enough, you know damn good and well that sometimes I’m Heaven, sometimes I’m hell, and sometimes I really can’t tell which is which. Through it all, though, I always did know it would come to this, my “roll, roll, roll … I’m movin’ ahead.” THIS living queen who “rolls” as God’s favorite daughter is NOT gonna sleep ’til she’s dead! I’ve got punctuating to do and phoenixes to raise, so I have no other choice but to be alright.
THANKS FOR ASKING
‘Cause I’m alright. Thanks for asking. There’s a million things I’d love to say, but you don’t wanna hear. Yeah, it’s alright. I don’t need your blessings. I’d rather face the wrath of angels than the devil in the mirror. I don’t think God is listening. She told us to follow, but left us behind. I’ve never seen an angel, but I know the Devil, and he told me I’m fine. “What doesn’t kill you will only make you stronger.” That’s what everyone keeps telling me. I’d rather capsize than chase an old horizon. Throw me back into the deadest of seas. I know that God is laughing. She gave us our wings, but never taught us to fly. They say the end is coming, and if that’s true, well, I don’t think I mind. Heaven or hell? I can’t tell which is which. I always knew it would come to this. Roll, roll, roll … I’m movin’ ahead. Roll, roll, roll … guess I’ll sleep when I’m dead. {Five Finger Death Punch}
Five Finger Death Punch’s new album, AfterLife, dropped at midnight, and it’s mind-blowing, BUT I got stuck on one song: “All I Know.” Meanwhile, while we were chatting with him in the wee hours of the morning, Ivan Moody said the whistling at the intro just came to him one night while he was at his cabin in Wyoming. He said he’d been lying in bed, heard whistling outside his window, then got up and just started writing.
Now, here’s where this “Death Punch” may throw you for a loop, ’cause I’m about to go somewhere that some of you don’t wanna go. I believe the higher power (who I call by the name of “God”) is, indeed, running this greatest show on Earth. As far as I’m concerned, Creation itself is a musical composition straight from His heart to our souls, and the beings He specifically chooses to make music of every kind are His cosmic tuning forks:
“But now bring me a musician.”
Then it happened, when the musician played, that the hand of the Lord came upon him.
[2 Kings 3:15 NKJV]
Meanwhile …
Zach used to whistle and hum all the fucking time, so, before Ivan talked about it, I’d already been captivated by the whistling and listening to it over and over. It was one of the most ethereal moments I’ve ever experienced.
“From Zach’s soul … to God’s ears … to Ivan’s mouth” … then POOF! “A seemingly magical process of transformation”through the creation of the hauntingly beautiful whistle at the beginning of a song that echoed to me just like the many other voices from my past that I believe are sending me messages:
Somehow, the haunting intro to this song with its echoes of what seem like my ancestors calling to me, channeled me back to either the wild, wild west or some ancient arena in Spain where kill or be killed was the fucking assignment, much like it is today during “times like these” when we’re all just fighting not only to survive, but fighting for the will to survive.
Like my “Brighter Side” moment back in 2020, I believe Zach needed me to hear the message in this song. God used Ivan’s whistling to do it. That’s right, folks: love him or hate him, and as impossible as it may be to conceptualize, Ivan isn’t just some rock star who jumps around on stages worldwide and entertains the masses. His purpose here is bigger than perhaps even he’ll ever know.
He’s a “universal elixir” and tuning fork that God is using to perpetuate His greatest alchemy of all … MUSIC!
Have I ever told you that I’m the luckiest woman alive? Have I told you that I’m thankful to be sitting in all these impossible realities that truly are “all I know,” many of which I don’t even need to understand? Not a day goes by, nor will it ever, that I don’t literally thank Heaven for all the alchemists out there who sing, cry, yell, scream, and “fist pump” the words to the poems they’ve written to help me find the missing pieces of myself and have managed to keep me alive.
ALL I KNOW
I don’t think that I’m crazy. Yeah, but how would I know, when the voices remind me that it’s all just for show. Well, I thought I had answers, but the questions have changed. It’s so hard to feel anything when I’ve only known pain. Pain. You can cast me out and dig my hole. Spit on my grave. Curse my soul. You can hold me down and not let go, but the devil you fear is all I know. And the road that’s less traveled, well, it’s all that I’ve known. Every time I look backwards, there’s still so far to go. If I’m born to be broken … cold, bloody, and numb … tell me, why am I running? What am I running from? From? As I sit here in silence, all alone in myself … who the hell would believe me? Better yet, who would I tell? I can’t tell. {Five Finger Death Punch}
Ain’t it funny how things happen? I mean, c’mon, people … do any of you still only believe in random coincidence?
As I’m sitting here writing this, I’m yummily wrapped up in one of the king’sgrey sweaters that, on any other given Monday, would have traveled in Gia’s backpack to her dad’s house. But for the fact that I just happened to be doing laundry last night instead of on my regularly scheduled Sunday, it wouldn’t have been here to greet me this morning when I decided to make it a “grey day” and stay home to enjoy the peaceful oblivion of my happily solitary existence.
Meanwhile, I popped onto Instagram earlier today only to find that while I was busy “queening” around the castle in one of the best grey highs I’ve had in months, the universe had delivered yet another powerful Death Punch moment. Today marked the release of the official “Brighter Side Of Grey” video:
It’s hard to believe that our last record “F8” came out over 2 years ago in the beginning of 2020, born into the whirlwind of events that dominated our lives and will echo into the rest of our history. Those of you intimately familiar with that album, now know how some of F8’s dystopian lyrics became rather prophetic. Brighter Side of Grey was an important song on that record, but especially personal to Ivan (who’s the only parent in the band). It is a more than fitting commentary to what’s going on in the world that probably needs a good reminder right about now that we are here only for second, a tiny blip on the flow of time… not just as individuals but as an entire species.It took a trillion conditions to be just right for human life to exist in this Universe, yet it takes just one to go terribly wrong and make it all disappear. This song also serves as the perfect bridge to our new album we just finished this week, which generally revolves around similar existential questions. It’s incredible how much we don’t understand about our own existence, yet everyone’s relationship with the concept of death permeates, even orients their entire lives. Can’t wait to share it… enjoy this video and stay tuned for new music and big tour announcements in the very near future!
In case you still haven’t gotten the memo, this isn’t just another song, and grey isn’t just a color. “The Brighter Side Of Grey” is an entire mindset and way of life for me:
Grey is not just a color to me – IT’S EVERYTHING IN BETWEEN! It’s the grace I’ve received that is so undeserved yet given to me anyway by The One who has never loved me with black and white conditions. He “takes the best parts of me and locks them away without the key” and I know that He is never far away. He’s the Light that shines ahead of my journey and dilutes the blackness of the abyss into the most beautiful shades of grey. For more than four decades, I lived a black and white existence with no room for the forlorn grey I knew I needed but didn’t know how to connect with. As I look back at this picture now, I’m filled with the most unbelievable solace you can imagine. It reminds me of just how far I’ve come, that it was always supposed to be this way, and there is always a “Brighter Side Of Grey”. I’m not gonna lie … it is now my final wish that when it’s time for me to move along, this is the last song I hear as they bid me farewell.
I could keep going on about the grey of it all, but honestly, I’m so done writing about it.
Now, I just want to live in it.
I want to sit back, relax, and inhale all my life nuggets of goodness.
Today is a good day in the music world, people. Not just for the factions of knuckleheads like me who’ve been anxiously waiting for this video, but likewise for anyone who sees it, hears the words, and really bites into its sobering and bittersweet message.
This life we’re living really is just a blip, and yes, the lights will go down. So do everything in your power to make sure that when that door closes behind you for the very last time, you leave a light on for your people—not just a darkened void. That’s how you’ll become “nothing, everything, and ALL of it” and leave this place better than you found it.
Today marks a powerful day in the Five Finger Death Punch family with the release of the official video for “The Tragic Truth.”
The song was originally written in 2011 for American Capitalist but wasn’t completed in time for the album’s manufacturing deadline. Because the band believed so strongly in it, they released it as a bonus track rather than shelving it entirely.
Years later, they finally circled back.
And they chose Ivan’s birthday to do it.
The timing couldn’t have been more meaningful: the video arrived just two months shy of his fourth sober anniversary and became something much bigger than another music release. It was a visual journal of addiction, pain, chaos, survival, death, recovery, and — most importantly — rebirth.
A reminder that addiction does not have to be the final chapter.
A reminder that people can come back.
A reminder that some people really do rise from ashes.
As for me? Of the hundreds of entries I had published in this Diary by then, “The Cosmic, NOT Tragic Truth” remained one of my personal favorites. The strange and almost impossible role it played in helping me heal from — and eventually make some peace with — Zack’s suicide still defies explanation.
All I can tell you is that my intersection with the Cosmos this morning was EVERYTHING to me. Even as I write this, I’m smiling yet again, because while on the surface it may appear that the demons that devoured him won, nothing could be farther from the truth. The rare few of us who really knew him and were honored to both love and be loved by him know a “truth” that is much more beautiful than tragic: HE’S HOME NOW! I just know it. No more sorrow. No more pain. No more tears. No more aching for the “family” who abandoned the “Zack Of Shit”. NO MORE VOICES SCREAMING IN HIS HEAD!
After watching “The Tragic Truth” video for the first time, I watched it again.
And again.
And again.
The more I watched, the more I hurt — and I knew exactly why I kept putting myself through it.
It was catharsis.
I needed it.
In my own strange way, I was emotionally cutting myself because there were still feelings surrounding the final months of Zack’s life that I had not completely bled out.
I cannot tell you how many times in the days since he left us that I’ve had flashes of Zack sitting with his head in his hands exactly the way Ivan does in the video.
He was desperately trying to quiet the voices screaming inside his mind and fend off whatever demons were consuming him.
I would ask him what was wrong.
Did his head hurt?
Why was he covering his ears?
For God’s sake, what was happening?
His answer was always the same:
They keep screaming at me, Catherine. I CAN’T MAKE THEM STOP!
I’m not gonna lie.
Those words — and the helplessness I saw on his face when he said them — may haunt me for the rest of my life.
As for me?
Although I spent most of my adulthood drinking socially — usually just to loosen up, relax, and take the edge off — no, I’m not an alcoholic.
I have, however, suffered with and am in recovery from both an almost twenty-year-long addiction “creature” of my own and a complicated mental illness.
For that reason, I made the personal decision to live a sober lifestyle.
My last drop of alcohol was on March 26, 2021, at 4:40 p.m., at the Tennessee Legend Distillery in Nashville.
Yes, I know the exact date and time because I have proof in the form of a credit-card receipt. Lol. It was one tiny, shot-sized sample of Peanut Butter Cup Whiskey.
And then …
I was done!
My decision was made not only in support of Ivan’s SOBER AS FUCK journey and platform, but in support of anyone fighting that fight — including someone very close to me who had yet to recognize his own tragic truths, and another who already had.
If you have never heard “The Tragic Truth,” listen to it. Especially if you — or someone you love — has ever struggled with addiction or mental illness. Because not everyone survives the tragic truth of their journey. Some people never make it out of the fire. Which is exactly why we should celebrate every recovery warrior who does.
Every phoenix who finds the strength to rise deserves people beneath their wings cheering them upward. Those wings were forged in a fire that not everyone survives.
When my son was a teenager, he started sending me songs to communicate his feelings, often in the wee hours of the night. Until then, because of the trauma he’d experienced in his fucked up, toxic, and beyond dysfunctional “childhood” courtesy of his dad and me, he’d been keeping his broken feelings buried and was unable to verbally express the depth of his jaded emotions.
He sent me the first song at age 16, not long after I’d moved out of our family home for the third and final time, just days before my nervous breakdown. The song was “Remember Everything” by Five Finger Death Punch, who, of course, are now my favorite band (and Ivan Moody is one of my favorite humans), but until I got that “text heard ’round the world,” I’d never even heard of them. The text came through without any words … just the link to the song … BUT … no words were necessary. Once I’d listened to it, I knew exactly what he was trying to tell me:
Mom, I love you, but I need you to know that I REMEMBER EVERYTHING!
He remembers? Remembers EVERYTHING? What the FUCK have I done to my only son? I’m not gonna lie, folks, THAT was one literal—not metaphorical—hell of a rough night for me. If you’ve ever listened to that song before, I’m certain you’ll understand why, and just for the record, if you’ve never heard that song before and have a history of childhood trauma, listen to it and you’ll understand why! Nevertheless, sending me that poignant and cryptic message at 3 o’clock in the morning was probably one of the best ways he could have possibly ever expressed exactly what he was feeling in the midst of all the undeserved wreckage and chaos that had become his life.
Needless to say, it was a pivotal moment in all of our lives during a massive season of change, but hearing those words as they swept through my ears and washed over my own broken mind was an actual five finger death punch through my soul. Not only did it remind me of the countless ways I’d failed him, it reminded me of the many things, I, too, “remembered” about my own dysfunctional childhood and how history was now repeating itself. It was devastating, but necessary, because as most of us know all too well, sometimes the truth has to hurt us before it can change us for the better.
Thereafter, it became a thing with us, and to this day he lets me know what’s going on in his heart and mind with his random music messages. Although some have been heavier than others, and some have been mind-numbingly ethereal, others have just been love songs to let me know I’m still his best momma.
“That music thing” has now morphed into more than just me and him communicating. These days, it’s also about me communicating with myself. Singing myself love songs is one of my favorite mental wealth hacks of all and has now become a powerful way to not only love myself back to life unconditionally, but keep myself loved eternally.
“When the Seasons Change” by Five Finger Death Punch is one of my life songs and has made an appearance in this Diary more than a couple of times. It’s truly been applicable to all the most important people, places, and seasons of my life, so, yes, I belt it out loud to myself all the time. Sometimes I have to tweak the words to my “love songs” to make them more applicable to me, as in the case below. Lol, in case you haven’t figured it out by now, life here in my Queendom moves to a rhythm of its very own, but hey, it’s all good. A queen’s gotta do what a queen’s gotta do … especially when the seasons are changing!
There’s a light in ME that tears me down to nothing. There’s an angel in MY eyes. There’s a hope inside THAT I CAN MAKE IT BETTER – I see right through MY disguise. When it rains it pours, and everybody stumbles. I won’t let them bring ME down. There’s a hope in ME that I will die for something. Was there fire in MY eyes? All this pain inside – Will it be this way forever? I can run but I can’t hide. When the seasons change … and I’M in for colder weather – look for ME on the divide …
On a beautiful Wednesday afternoon exactly one year ago today, “the music wheel of destiny” stopped my world—and my heart—and sent me straight into the breakdown lane of one of the busiest highways in Dallas so that I could literally “cry my eyes out.” It was as if Zach were singing this beautifully haunting melody to me, my daughter, and my son in a message from “The Brighter Side of Grey“—where, in our hearts, we know he finally is. If you haven’t ever heard this song by Five Finger Death Punch, I cannot urge you enough to listen to it, especially if you are at odds with yourself over the legacy you are going to be leaving behind for your own children and loved ones.
Today I celebrate!
TODAY I’M THANKFUL!
Today I’ll stay grey, just like the sky in Dallas as I write this, because if I’ve learned anything in my “fifty-ONE-derful” years of life, it’s that life really ISN’T a game—it’s a song. And I fully intend to enjoy every single chord until I reach The Brighter Side of every fucked-up, twisted moment of my absurd and beautiful life.
Since COVID crashed our concert last year, Gia still hasn’t read the letter Zach wrote before he left. She knows this song exists, but she isn’t allowed to listen to it until she can first hear Ivan Moody sing it live on stage. That will be the night I finally let her read the words he wrote to her “in case he was gone tomorrow.” PLEASE listen to this song, my friends. It may just change the trajectory of your own legacy and how you look at “grey” forever.
I am me. I’m my own best friend and the one person in my life who I know will never let me down. I’m the person I get to be with until I take my very last breath and set my eyes upon The Brighter Side Of Grey. I’m the only one I can count on when all my cards are down, come Hell or the highest of waters.
It was the day the world went wrong. I screamed ’til my voice was gone and watched through the tears as everything came crashing down. Slowly panic turns to pain as we awake to what remains and sift through the ashes that are left. But buried deep beneath all our broken dreams we have this hope. Out of these ashes, beauty will rise, and we will dance among the ruins. We will see Him with our own eyes. Out of these ashes, beauty will rise. For we know joy is coming in the morning. In the morning, beauty will rise. So take another breath for now, and let the tears come washing down. And if you can’t believe, I will believe for you. ‘Cause I have seen the signs of spring! Just watch and see! Out of these ashes, beauty will rise, and we will dance among the ruins. We will see Him with our own eyes. Out of these ashes, beauty will rise. For we know joy is coming in the morning. In the morning. I can hear it in the distance … and it’s not too far away. It’s the music and the laughter of a wedding and a feast. I can almost feel the hand of God reaching for my face to wipe the tears away and say, “It’s time to make everything new.” “Make it all new”. This is our hope. This is the promise. That it would take our breath away to see the beauty that’s been made out of the ashes.
THIS PICTURE. I sketched it in my early 20s using the literal ashes from both my father’s and His ashtrays. At the time, I had no idea what an impact this or any of my 32 Sketches would have on me down the road. Yet as I look at them now, I can’t help but notice that although I was in a very dark place when they were born, something trapped deep inside me was hopeful.
My disease imprisoned me in dichotomous thinking and held me for ransom in the little boxes inside my mind where I stored all my pain and trauma. Before I put it into remission, I was unable to accept people, situations, emotions, or behaviors as anything other than “good or bad,” “right or wrong,” or “one way or the other.” My entire life was black and white with no room for the grey! I had a defensive view of both the positive and negative qualities of myself and everyone else, and there was no way for my broken psyche to allow anything in between to exist in one cohesive space.
They’d “wash their hands of me” when I screwed up or failed to follow the rules, with zero validation or consideration of my feelings. My mind would “split” as I desperately attempted to shield myself from the constant fear of being abandoned, betrayed, or eviscerated by anyone who claimed to love me. While I don’t believe these traumas were inflicted intentionally, they were real nonetheless, as was the effect they had on my psyche.
I’d pre-ordered their new album months ago, had been counting the days until its release, and was stoked to finally get to listen to it cover to cover while running errands today.
Then, when “The Brighter Side of Grey” cued up, I had to pull my car into the breakdown lane as the words began cutting me in all the most bittersweet ways. I couldn’t stop the tears and physical heartache, and literally couldn’t breathe. It was one of the most cathartic, fucked up, and beautiful gifts of my life.
Someday, when it’s time for her to read the letter he wrote but never gave her, I’ll let her hear the song. Knowing God the way I do, I believe that when she’s finally able to receive these most alchemical lyrics of both our lives in conjunction with the most impeccable words a secretly dying father could have possibly written to his daughter, they’ll become as significant a part of her healing as they’ve been of mine.
For more than four decades, I lived a black-and-white existence with no room for the grey I knew I needed but didn’t know how to connect with. The grey is where I found all my truths. As I look back at this picture now, I’m filled with the most unbelievable solace imaginable. It reminds me of just how far I’ve come, that it was always supposed to be this way, and that there’s always a brighter side to all of this bittersweet and beautiful grey. It is now my final wish that when it’s time for me to move along, this is the last song I’ll hear as they bid me farewell.
From the moment I met you I knew you were special I just did not know HOW special you were and how special and important you would become to me. I can honestly say that you have shown me the best that life has to offer despite our problems, issues we have had had and things we have done and said. I know it can get even better than it has ever been.
I know I don’t verbalize it enough but I really do think overall that you are an incredible wife, friend and mother to OUR kids. You are more thoughtful, forgiving and caring than anyone I have ever met or anything I could aspire to be. I truly envy that about you. You are also a gorgeous woman. Your inner beauty has always been the biggest draw from me and it is the reason that I married you and the reason I love you so much.
I know I have not always led you to believe this, but I also love to hear you talk and I do enjoy talking to you. You are the only person in my life I feel that I can truly confide in and not be judged. You know more about me than any other person on this planet and I know that goes both ways. You are a very passionate speaker, and you always do your best and take the extra time/effort to help someone understand your point or feelings. I love that about you, and it is one of your greatest strengths in my opinion so long as you are tactful, and light handed with criticism. Please don’t ever feel that you talk too much or that you are a bad person for speaking your feelings/thoughts so long as you know in your heart that you are coming from a good place and do you best to be constructive which you usually do.
I have done, said and thought so many things to/about you that I am not proud of, and I am deeply sorry for. I know that 2017 really can be the best year of our lives, that this year we can really start over and get back to the place where we truly love, honor and cherish each other with no regrets, bitterness or anger in our hearts towards each other or anyone else for that matter. You are the reason for my happiness and confidence. You built me up when no one else would, picked me up when I fell, held me when I cried, celebrated with I thought I had done nothing spectacular, kicked me in the butt when you knew I needed to get over myself and believed in me when I did not even believe in myself. You ARE the light and the love that has filled my soul all along. You are the reason that I am the father, husband and human being I am today. You have taught me more than I ever thought I could learn from a person and challenged me to do things that I never ever thought I could do and more. We met for a reason, and we are together for a reason that was always meant to be. We love each other, feed off each other, mend each other’s wounds and fill in each other’s cracks. We must continue to do so because we will break without each other. We have to stay together even when we don’t think we can and give each other no reason to like the other or be likable to the other.
I know we will grow from everything that has happened this past year and that things have gotten better already and will continue to do so even if they get worse for a time. Our pain and suffering is temporary but our love and connection is literally eternal. I am sorry I forget that sometimes.
Happy 2017, Baby! I love you and I know you love me. It’s time to truly enjoy life TOGETHER and make this relationship we have better than it ever has been. I Love and adore you Catherine Williamson and I always will. Thank you for being my wife and thank you for being you.
There’s a light in you that tears me down to nothing, there’s an angel in your eyes. There’s a hope inside that you can make it better. You see right through my disguise. When it rains it pours, and everybody stumbles. I won’t let them bring you down. I won’t let you down when the seasons change. I won’t go down. I’ll fight through the pain. I’ll be there right by your side. I’ll never let them bring you down when the seasons change. There’s a hope in me that I will die for something. Was the fire in my eyes? All this pain inside – will it be this way forever? I can run but I can’t hide. When it rains it pours, and everybody stumbles. I won’t let them bring me down. I won’t let you down when the seasons change. I won’t go down. I’ll fight through the pain. I’ll be there right by your side. I’ll never let them bring you down when the seasons change. When the seasons change and we’re in for colder weather, look for me on the divide. I won’t let you down when the seasons change. I won’t go down. I’ll fight through the pain. I’ll be there right by your side. I’ll never let them bring you down. I won’t let you down. When the seasons change.
