MARCH 15, 2021: “I’m Free” …

Thank you so much to anyone who ever takes the time out of their life to watch my videos or reads this Diary. I know that I am a little “too much” of everything, and my open, raw, transparent vulnerability is NOT for the faint of heart. So be it, and I totally understand. There’s an ass for every seat, so if you don’t like what I have to say, just swipe past me. It’s all good. In the meantime, I really AM trying so hard to be a Light in all this “dark”, and every day I’m a work in my progress. I’m still not sure exactly where my journey is going to take me, and more so than that, whether there even IS a “final destination”. Knowing there is an “end” in sight would make my journey static, boring, and “why bother”, if that makes sense. I’m thinking my journey IS “the destination”, and was, therefore, never meant to be ended with a “period”, ONLY ever a “semi-colon”, because my story is never going to be over! Even when I’m gone, if I’ve played my cards well, the pebbles that I’ve dropped into the ocean that is my life will live through my children and any other lives my story touches.

This weekend has been another important “destination” in my journey, as I have finally put some much needed closure out into the Cosmos with a blog post to the father I’ve been warring with in silence for YEARS. It was something that should have happened a LONG time ago, lest I be the world biggest living hypocrite with my “Only Light Can Kill The Darkness” platform, yet not forgiving the “HURT people” who have hurt ME. This morning I feel lighter than I have in as long as I can remember, regardless of the fact that knowing my father the way I do, there is a fair enough chance that he will neither read my words OR accept them. But, I said them, nonetheless, because it was the right thing for me to do.

Dad, if you ever see this …

I love you.

I’m sorry.

Cathy

FREE

The sun was beating down inside the walls of stone and razor wire as we made our way across the prison yard. I felt my heart begin to race as we drew nearer to the place where they say that death is waiting in the dark. The slamming doors of iron echoed through the halls where despair holds life within its cruel claws. But then I met a man whose face seemed so strangely out of place. A blinding light of hope was shining in his eyes. And with repentance in his voice, he told me of his tragic choice that led him to this place where he must pay the price. But then his voice grew strong as he began to tell about The One he said had rescued him from Hell. He said I’m free, yeah, oh, I have been forgiven. God’s love has taken off my chains and given me these wings. And I am free, yeah, yeah, and the freedom I’ve been given is something that not even death can take away from me. Because I’m free. Jesus set me free. We said a prayer and said good-bye, and tears began to fill my eyes as I stepped back out into the blinding sun. And even as I drove away, I found that I could not escape the way he spoke of what the grace of God had done. I thought about how sin had sentenced us to die, and how God gave His only Son so you and I could say “I’m free, yeah, oh, I have been forgiven. God’s love has taken off my chains and given me these wings. {Steven Curtis Chapman}

FEBRUARY 21, 2021: “The Miracles Of My Moments” …

I’m the luckiest mom alive!

This was my past weekend, and I spent a fair enough amount of it going back and forth to “the chair” in my room to have a good bawl and thank GOD on my hands and knees as I was continually blindsided by the rhapsody that is still my life.

Time is fleeting!

Every second that I’m lucky enough to be “cool enough” for them to let their guards down around is precious! They’ll be 18 and off to college or living their lives before I know it. So? I savor EVERY silly moment with them – and – let them be KIDS as often as they want to! Hey, there are much worse problems to have then a car filled with noisy 15yo’s who not only ENJOY being with “mom”, but who still find joy in throwing snowballs. Am I wrong?

My joy this weekend wasn’t just about this snowball fight. It was one miracle moment after another. It was how they busted into my room to hang out in my closet, trying on my handbags, playing in my jewelry box, and literally “walking in my shoes”! It was hearing Gia stake claim to all Zack’s belongings as “hers and ONLY hers”, and even more so how she beamed with pride as she explained what he went through to not only get all those things, but to give the two of us everything our hearts desired after his own dismal childhood of having nothing at all.

It was about them sitting on my bathroom floor and including me in their “chick chat” for over an hour. Yes, I’m THAT mom who’s “in the know” and gets to be included in the sacred sanctum of their otherwise elusive teenage lives. Do you know how what a miracle it is to claim that highest honor? They hug me, and they talk to me, and they aren’t afraid to be their true selves in my presence without the fear of judgment.

Live ~ Love ~ Laugh

I am blessed by all of them … even the ones I didn’t give birth to. All my girls, and all those boys I was lucky enough to have camped out with me weekend after weekend when Christian was growing up. They’re the miracles of so many of my moments!

MIRACLE OF THE MOMENT

It’s time for letting go all of our “if only’s”, ’cause we don’t have a time machine. And even if we did, would we really want to use it? Would we really want to go change everything? ‘Cause we are who and where and what we are for now. And this is the only moment we can do anything about. So breathe it in and breathe it out and listen to your heartbeat. There’s a wonder in the here and now. It’s right there in front of you. I don’t want you to miss the miracle of the moment. There’s only One who knows what’s really out there waiting in all the moments yet to be. And all we need to know is He’s out there waiting. To Him, the future’s history, and He has given us a treasure called right now. And this is the only moment we can do anything about. And if it brings you tears, then taste them as they fall and let them soften your heart. And if it brings you laughter, then throw your head back and let it go … yeah – you gotta let it go – and listen to your heartbeat. Yeah, breathe it in and breathe it out and listen to your heartbeat. There’s a wonder in the here and now. I don’t want you to miss the miracle of the moment. {Steven Curtis Chapman}

FEBRUARY 15, 2021: “Power, Grace, And Beauty Rising” …

WHO AM I?

I am me. My very best friend, and the one person in my life I know will never let me down. I’m the person I get to be with until I take my last breath and set my eyes upon the The Brighter Side Of Grey, and the only one I can count on when all my cards are down, come Hell or the highest of waters.

I’m the Queen Of The World who has crossed on over to the upside of just about everything, yet I’m the most wretched in all the land. Love me or hate me, I DON’T CARE, ’cause at least I know it’s true! I have the world’s biggest ego and the confidence of a lion, yet I’m humbled by the power of my insignificance. I am big – I am smalljust a pebble skipped across the ocean. I am valueless and valued all the same!

I am NOTHING.

I am EVERYTHING.

I’m an oxymoron.

I am power, grace, and beauty rising.

So are you.

BEAUTY WILL RISE

It was the day the world went wrong. I screamed ’til my voice was gone and watched through the tears as everything came crashing down. Slowly panic turns to pain as we awake to what remains and sift through the ashes that are left. But buried deep beneath all our broken dreams we have this hope. Out of these ashes, beauty will rise, and we will dance among the ruins. We will see Him with our own eyes. Out of these ashes, beauty will rise. For we know joy is coming in the morning. In the morning, beauty will rise. So take another breath for now, and let the tears come washing down. And if you can’t believe, I will believe for you. ‘Cause I have seen the signs of spring! Just watch and see! Out of these ashes, beauty will rise, and we will dance among the ruins. We will see Him with our own eyes. Out of these ashes, beauty will rise. For we know joy is coming in the morning. In the morning. I can hear it in the distance … and it’s not too far away. It’s the music and the laughter of a wedding and a feast. I can almost feel the hand of God reaching for my face to wipe the tears away and say, “It’s time to make everything new.” “Make it all new”. This is our hope. This is the promise. That it would take our breath away to see the beauty that’s been made out of the ashes. {Steven Curtis Chapman}