OCTOBER 29, 2020: “On Broken Wings” …

Oh how I love these “Facebook Memories”! They’re such a powerful and POIGNANT reminder of NOT ONLY how far I’ve come, but even more so of where I’ve been, how I got here, and exactly where I want to go. The irony with this lovely little flashback to “6 years ago” is that just yesterday my daughter and I were visiting with my mom when this very part of my jacked up, twisted, broken and invalidated story reared it’s ugly head yet again. Only this time, there was a witness to the crime. In being honest, as this crime scene of sorts was in the midst of taking place, there was a part of me that was so beyond distraught that my daughter was caught in the crossfire. Like, literally, I was sick to my fucking stomach as I was sitting there being pummeled with stinging reminders of what made me so sick in the first place. However, once it was over and we got into the car to take off, it was her, my little girl, my brave and wise and courageous phoenix girl, who broke the ice and spoke the first words, because it was so crystal clear to her that not only was I stunned but also fighting back tears:

Mom, are you okay? I can tell that you’re trying not to cry. Man, that was tough to watch. I hope you know that although I’ve never once doubted the things you’ve told me about your childhood, that was the first time I’ve actually seen it happen out loud. With her that is. I love you mom, and I’m proud of you for handling that as well as you did. See? Look how far you’ve come! That was about HER, not about you, and you didn’t deserve that. Grandma loves you. I KNOW SHE DOES! She just doesn’t get it. She doesn’t understand. Or, maybe she DOES but she just can’t acknowledge it because it would hurt her too much to know how much you’ve suffered.

So, with that

“Long live that day that I decided to fly from the insideand start this twisted story all over again as an actual living QUEEN, because guess what people? These wings of mine aren’t broken anymore, the BEST versions of me are still yet to come, and every fucking THING I’ve been fighting and praying for was just justified by my daughter’s spoken words.

ON BROKEN WINGS

Fight the fight alone when the world is full of victims. Dims a fading light in our souls. Leave the peace alone. Now we all are slowly changing. Dims a fading light in our souls. In my opinion seeing is to know. The things we hold are always first to go. And who’s to say we won’t end up alone? On broken wings I’m falling, and it won’t be long. The skin on me is burning by the fires of the Sun. On skinned knees I’m bleeding, and it won’t be long. I’ve got to find that meaning, and I’ll search for so long. Cry ourselves to sleep. We will sleep alone forever. Will you lay me down in the same place with all I love? Mend the broken homes. Care for them, they are our brothers. Save the fading light in our souls. In my opinion seeing is to know. What you give will always carry you. And who’s to say we won’t survive it too? I’ll search for so long. We’ll set a-free all relying on their will to make me all that I am and all I’ll be. We’ll set a-free all who’ll fall between the cracks with memories of all that I am. {Alter Bridge}

FEBRUARY 5, 2020: “Can Childhood Trauma Be Reversed?” …

Quora Question
IMG_1701
Quora Answer

Although I do believe it’s “possible” for childhood trauma to be reversed, I do not believe that the resulting residual or collateral damage can ever be truly reversed. Under optimal circumstances, and with a healthy support system, if a person can first revisit, acknowledge and accept the trauma itself, they can then attain the coping skills and mechanisms necessary to carry them through their adulthood “if and when” the trauma rears it’s head. “You can forgive, accept, acknowledge and even make peace with it ”, but, “you can never forget or erase it”. As an adult survivor of childhood trauma of my own, I speak from experience in this regard. It took me 40 years to overcome my childhood demons. Thankfully, however, I did.

Unfortunately, I also have first-hand experience on the flip side of this coin; that is, “irreversible childhood trauma”. My husband (who I recently lost to suicide this past August 22, 2019) suffered from extreme childhood trauma that sadly proved to be the death of him. He was larger than life with a heart the size of an ocean, but had been thrown away like garbage by his mother at birth. She abandoned him permanently at 18 months, and although his father did the best he could, he was and still is nothing but a child himself. He was left alone frequently from a very young age and his basic needs were never properly attended to.

Unfortunately, he never even realized that his “Abandoned Child Syndrome” existed until five years into our marriage, but once he was faced with the sobering truths of his traumatic childhood, every bit of strength and fortitude he’d managed to muster and thus survive with in his “life of solitude” before finally finding us, the first and only real home and family he’d ever had, began to slip right out from under him. The abandonment issues that led to his mental illness were further complicated by the fact that not just his mother, but his entire family abandoned him; a father and three adult siblings who couldn’t be bothered with him whatsoever. The entirety of this selfish, heartless and cruel brood of human beings literally broke his heart into pieces that could never fully be put back together.

There were demons living inside of the hole the “mother” left inside his soul that he tried desperately to swim out of it. We both tried keeping him from drowning in it. In the end, the demons won. The last few months of his life it appeared as though he was in the early stages of psychosis, if not schizophrenia. He’d been hearing voices. Seeing things. Missing tremendous “blocks of time” and ultimately ended up disappearing inside himself. He said “he couldn’t feel anything anymore”, and honestly, we lost him months before he put that gun to his head. It was a living nightmare to watch and the worst kind of heartbreak to witness. I appreciate any of you who are reading this by the way. It’s tough to digest, much less conceive. But it’s the truth nonetheless. His “traumatic childhood” indeed broke his heart.

To View The Original “Quora Q&A” Click HERE!