I’m OFFICIALLY a mother-in-law! So much love to my son, Christian, and his WIFE, my beautiful daughter-in-law, Alexandra! Cheers to the beginning of an extraordinary new bloom on both our family trees!
Meanwhile, a friend asked if I was even a little bit sad that they “ran away” to get married. My answer was an emphatic NO! They didn’t “run away” from anything … they ran with and to each other … as it should be and should have been all the while. Besides, every shred of my being knows that the entire collective of both our families’ “people” have been surrounding, protecting, and supporting them throughout the bittersweet journey that led them to finally saying “yes” to themselves and “NO” to everyone who tried to stand in their way.
When I close my eyes and imagine the shadows, spirits, and ancestral love pushing them forward, it reduces me to peace and bliss for them and their future. I couldn’t be any prouder of these two warriors standing together victoriously on a battlefield neither one of them ever signed up for. They will be blessed. So am I.
Just a handful of wisdom nuggets from me to you on this day of celebrating all things LOVE! Some of these lessons I had to learn the very hard way, while others I unfortunately learned a little too late. In the meantime, as you continue growing into your futures together, remember …
If you don’t speak, resentment will. Silence and avoidance are rarely “peace” … THEY’RE POISON! Always at least try to talk things through before you close your eyes at night, because communication is the key to every relationship in this life, and without it, even the strongest of relationships can just die.
It doesn’t take rocket science for me to know that eventually you’ll all be married. Well, at least if this mother’s prayers come true. Marriage is never just “50/50,” by the way … it’s “100/100” depending on the circumstance. There’ll be days “you carry her” and days “she carries you.” That balancing act of generosity and patience is important. Don’t forget this!
Forgiveness doesn’t always erase the pain. It can, however, build trust. Sometimes you’ll forgive but never forget. Guess what? THAT’S OKAY! You’re only human, after all. Moving forward in moments like that is a choice you’ll have to make. Lower your armor and don’t become enemies.
Never stop doing all the little things for each other, because THOSE are the glue that will keep you bonded through thick and thin. And, believe it or not, it’s the little things you’ll remember the most when all is said and done.
Last but not least, yeah, love really does hurt you sometimes, and no, it really isn’t so easy to find. So, this is me hoping that all your collective searching really is over and that, win, lose, or draw, through hell or the highest of waters, you’ll always be standin’ there when the other turns around. In the meantime, I love you all to The Moon and back … and back … and back!
I saw this picture some time ago on one of my writing forums, accompanied by a story supposedly written by a nurse who took it:
It’s been 23 days since this patient came to this hospital and in these 23 days nobody from his family came to visit him. But there is a pigeon which comes every two days to sit next to his bed. The pigeon stays for a while and then flies away. We then found out that this patient sits on a bench in a park near the hospital every day and feeds the pigeons there. This once again showed us that animals have a better heart than humans.
NEWSFLASH, however … the nurse’s claim was later found to be a fictional “tail” spun for likes, clicks, and views. The photograph is real; the story is not. It was taken on October 19, 2013, at a hospital in Athens, Greece, by photographer Ioannis Protonotarios, who was visiting his father in the cardiology ward. He later confirmed that the pigeon’s appearance was a chance encounter—not a recurring visit—and there is no evidence that the patient had fed the bird in a park or that the bird recognized him. Even so, the image itself all but begs us to acknowledge the true gift animals of all kinds are to humanity, especially if we’ve been blessed enough to have had an unconditionally faithful companion by our side at any point in our life who helped lead us through the darkness and into The Daylight.
The late British author and veterinarian James Herriot, born on October 3, once famously said:
If having a soul means being able to feel love and loyalty and gratitude, then animals are better off than a lot of humans.
When the nights grew cold but our blood ran warm and everything we’d touched just seemed to melt away and leave us alone, no one understood the noises in our head but US. Such a simple melody playing over and over again. But why would we wanna blend in when we are drenched in gold? Never far, never out of reach, the embers in the dark lay quiet … burning just beneath. Isolated … complicated … we found a way to make it out alive (and not feel so alone)!
These days, when I look at you, I see that you’re just like me … a misfit runaway with gold plating underneath. I love you, Gia, and literally couldn’t be any prouder to call you “daughter” if I tried.
“Is this the place that we called home to find what we’ve become? Walking along the path unknown … we’ve lived, we’ve loved, we’ve LIED! Deep in the dark … we didn’t think we “needed” The Light … or that the ghost inside us belonged to the other side.”
(Words adapted from Bad Omens’ “Specter”)
Looking back, it literally blows my FUCKING mind how many heaping piles of toxic, twisted, and dysfunctional behavior I was surrounded by—ironically, most often in the very places I was forced not just to believe, but to tell other people were “safe and loving homes.” I was expected to perpetuate those disgusting “FAUXrytales” because the powers that were my life demanded it under the threat of: “What would people think if they knew the truth?” For years, I choked on silence and secrets amid the ABUSE, CHAOS and VIOLENCE that wasmy childhood—and that still reaches into my adulthood—all to protect the image of the PERFECT family “behind the gates”!
And so, with that … YES! Yes, I AM the angry daughter … ever the work in progress … and I’ll STAY this angry until MY daughter has finally moved THROUGH all the anger she inherited from both me and the generations before. She’s wielding it like a torch through her own haunted spaces … just like her momma … so that someday HER daughter (who I carried within MY womb, by the way) won’t ever have to stay angry for longer than is necessary to keep the specter of herself at bay … unless, of course, like me, she decides to pull out its little diamond-studded leash and walk proudly with it like a wild and beautiful BEAST with MY fire in her eyes and resilience coursing through her veins!
… because NOTHING in this world matters to me as much as seeing my kids’ dreams come to life! If only anyone really knew how much time, sweat, tears, heart, and soul he’s literally bled into this baby of his for the last two years, you’d understand how powerful this video is. He’s up on the Kalash Bash 2025 stage with his mentors, including Klay Owens! PRICELESS!
By the way, if you’re dumb enough to think I didn’t have to step away from his table at least a dozen times over the weekend “panic chair” style so that not just he, but his fellow “brothers in arms” and customers wouldn’t catch me crying, well, then you don’t know a single thing about me. My firstborn has given birth to something truly phenomenal here, and it looks as though “the KINGS” of this extremely niche, if not guarded, subculture are letting him through the gates! Actually? I take that back. With all due respect to the kings who’ve come before him and are currently leading this game, I don’t think they really have a choice but to let him through the gates. HE’S BLOWING THEM WIDE OPEN! Christian, momma is SO damn proud of you! And to anyone reading this right now, who do you know that needs an “autistically perfect” precision work of art firearm? Click on the picture below and send them his way, please!
God removes people from your life because He heard conversations you didn’t.
NOTHING could be closer to the truth! When I say I have someone’s six, it actually does mean I have their entire clock, so there’s no need for them to ever look back and see if I’m there. I’m EXACTLY where I said I’d be! With that, and in honor of National Best Friends Day 2024, lemme just say THIS:
That’s right, “friend” … I SEE YOU and I FELT THAT! I may be DUMB, but I ain’t no STUPE! So, if you weren’t in it to win it with me EVEN when my soil was rotting and infested with worms and disease-ridden fruit that looked and smelled like a vampire’s asshole, then get your fuckin’ paws out my tree!
Wait!
WHAT?
That’s right, you heard me! At this point in my journey, I have no time or space for fair-weather friends and “family” in my atmosphere. So, if you ducked and ran when the storms of my life were raging, don’t you dare try coming back around when the Sun is burning and shining for me again! As far as I’m concerned, “got your six” people aren’t just those who’ve protected your name in your absence. They’re also those who were there for you when it wasn’t exactly convenient or optimal.
The bottom line is THIS …
Do right by your people, troops, even when no one is looking. It’s called integrity, and your word should be your bond. “I got you!” should mean I GOT YOU! Period. THE END!
I’m so proud of you, Christian! You, too, honey! See that? I told you he was gonna be okay. He just needed you to keep having faith in him “as he was,” just like you always did in me, and he needed the right girl beside him, just like I ever did!
Hey, Papa? Is it my imagination, or is he finally starting to come around? He’s been hell-bent on fighting those demons of his alone and digging his way out of the hole WE all dug for him and had it stuck in his head that, after all the “fuck ups and blunders” he’s been constantly reminded of, he doesn’t deserve a thing from anyone. He’s so determined to do everything on his own now so that no one can throw anything back in his face or hold his successes over his head. All he does is work. He never seems to sleep, and he’s been running his race so damn hard trying to make up for all the time he only thinks he’s lost, and I needed to find a way to help him with all the heavy stuff he’s been carrying. So? THANK YOU! Thank You for helping him let me help him. And also? THANK YOU for letting me be his momma, and especially for letting me be YOUR favorite daughter. I LOVE YOU!
… and just like that, the catharsis began as her tears fell like rain straight from Heaven. The best part of it all was the way all the people beside her and in the row behind her embraced her when they saw that she was clearly being shattered by this song in that moment. None of them knew her story … our story … but they heard, saw, and felt it and went straight to work. It was one of the most beautiful “stranger moments” of both our lives.
For the record, Three Days Grace is to her what 5FDP, Maiden, Shinedown, and 3 Doors Down are to me. They wrote the entire soundtrack to her life, and she’s found so many broken pieces of herself that she might not otherwise have been able to identify had it not been for their presence in her atmosphere.
Meanwhile, there was this ‘lil intersection nugget in the midst of our preparing for the night:
Hey, daughter? Should we run and get you some waterproof mascara?
HELL no, mom! I’m proud of how I’ve walked through all my living nightmares and storms, and I’ll wear the proof of ALL OF THEM like a warrior wears his war paint tonight! I’VE EARNED IT!
It was THE concert of her lifetime, my friends. Oh, and one last thing. When I got the tickets, they were literally the only two good seats left in the house … which (ps) just happened to be front row center. Were they expensive? YUP! No expense was spared for this moment of a lifetime of hers.
Regardless, I had told her over and again that she could take anyone she wanted and that just because I bought them, it didn’t mean that I had to be the obvious choice. I just wanted her to be happy in her element. So I was honored to have been the one she chose to have standing right beside her for it.
… that moment she sends you the screenshots of a conversation she had with a friend who’s in the midst of a struggle with her truly and insidiouslytoxic mother, only to read it and discover once again that yes, she really is listening to you, and yes, your dream for her really is coming true.
If you’ve been around this Diary long enough, by now you know I have a song for every moment, and in every one of my moments there’s a song. If I had a dollar for the countless number of times I’ve listened to and belted this one out loud to myself as a battle cry to remind me of exactly what I’m fighting for, then I could feed the world.
Do you want me to just listen, give you my thoughts, or offer advice? What would help you the most right now?
Pray GOD, how many times have I said those very words to her?
Everyone’s love is like water in a cup. The water in their cup is what they have to give …
And how many times have I said those exact words to her, too? I’m not gonna lie, folks, not 2.5 milliseconds after reading those words, “like water in a cup”, the waterworks began and I swear to HEAVEN that the first thought that came to my mind was “the dream” in the words of this song.
My Mona Lisa very much made me smile today, because after all that has been said and done, it’s becoming clearer to me each day that everything I’ve been praying for, fighting for, and dreaming about for her is coming to fruition.
As an aside, my daughter is far from perfect, just like her perfectly imperfect mom, and by no means am I attempting to canonize her into sainthood. She’s a normal and hormonal teenage girl, my friends, and truth be told, there are days when that little brat takes me toe-to-toe and drives me up literal walls. But if only you knew just exactly what she has been through in this lifetime thus far, and the actual demons she’s had to slay, you, like me, would be more inclined to expect that she’d have not only become a demon herself by now, but an extra cold and black one at that. She’s been broken in ways that no woman should ever be broken, yet here she is spewing love, light, empathy, patience, understanding, and validation for another human being’s condition instead of the jaded toxicity that often accompanies the victims of the unfathomable crimes against her.
Likewise, by no means am I a perfect parent. I have admittedly made way more than my fair share of mistakes, fails, and blunders. But this girl? My masterpiece? Although I have often felt that I don’t deserve her, evidently God believed I did, so, he charged me with her care even despite myself. She is every diamond in my jewel-encrusted crown and exactly who I hope to be if and when I grow up. The more time passes, the more I can’t help but wonder whether my single greatest purpose and contribution to this world isn’t something I’m gonna do, but the children that I am raising.
SHE is my utmost achievement. SHE is the voice that will surely linger on as she continues lighting fires of her own with not just my words, but the brave and wise words of her own. SHE is the living expression of my life’s every song, and I am so blessed to call her my daughter. Today, as always, my “cup” truly runneth over.
TO MY DAUGHTER,
If you wanna lead, be a leader. If you wanna dream, be a dreamer. Climb to the top of that mountain and SCREAM IT, but, remember when you get to the top … everything you say is gonna matter … everything you do is gonna add up. It’s what I’ve asked for. So, don’t lose heart when it’s not what you thought. Careful now, girl – avoid those Jezebel ways. Don’t wear a crown on your head, but be a queen of clichés. Soon you’ll be playing with the big girls, so make sure that you’re ready when it comes around!
If you wanna preach, be a preacher. If you wanna teach, be a teacher. Remember that the footprints you’re leaving will tell us all who you really are. Never forget to remember your worth … instead of spreading your legs, please just use your words. Character is shown by the things that we do. The one thing you’re never gonna hide is the truth. ‘Cause anyone can sell when they’re selling out, and anyone can fly when they’re falling down.
I had a dream that YOU were born a generation to behold! Lighting fires with your words instead of useless smoke that blurs the lines of right and wrong; expression that lives on; my army with a song that will linger when I’m gone. I had a dream!
I’ve long believed that three is the number of perfection, and under optimal conditions, the all-consuming heat from my untamed heart could melt a diamond. I’m not a fan of being touched, though, so, any man worthy of getting close enough to hold not just my body, but my heart, is gonna have to be forged from fire himself. His Herculean wings will have to be bigger than mine, so that whether he’s flying above or behind me, they’ll see the flames of all MY heart’s desires burning deep inside the fire of his. His wings will need to eclipse the shadows of the only two men on Earth who have ever led me before him. Not only will he be confident enough to live with “my two ghosts”, even more so will he embrace and honor their rightful places in my heart and mind in gratitude for the treasure they left for HIM.
Lastly, and on a side note, I don’t know who needs to hear this right now, but it is my truest prayer that everyone reading this either has already or will someday soon attract a “Naked Partner” who speaks the love language of your heart so that you don’t have to spend what is often an entirely fruitless lifetime trying to interpret, decode, translate, and explain the language of your soul.
… because he’ll know how to read the deepest encryption within my heart before we ever speak a word. The only thing that can survive fire is fire, just as the only one who belongs with a queen is a king … but DAMN, he’ll be one lucky man! Trust me when I tell you, I really am “nothing, everything, and ALL of it“. That’s what he’ll have to be, too.
SOUL SEARCHER
I don’t know what am I looking for … I don’t know what I’ll find. It lies behind the door to another space and time. The riddle is a metaphor without a trace of rhyme. Don’t need a time machine to travel near and far. Went deep inside to reach a distant star. Things are never what they seem when you wonder who you are… who you are. Soul searcher! Soul searcher! Can’t hide – there’s no one there but me. Light reveals what’s never been shown – no mortal eyes can see. By yourself, but not alone, our soulmates set us free. And everything you’ve ever known is what was meant to be… it was destiny. Soul searcher! Take a look inside and tell me what do you see. Soul searcher! Can’t hide-there’s no one there but me. {Joe Lynn Turner}
I just walked back into Lifetime and reinstated my membership! Didn’t crumble. Didn’t cry. Didn’t fall apart. It just felt like I was home. It’s totally supposed to be this way. This is such a giant leap. And it was Gia’s final decision—not mine.
“Mom, dad wouldn’t want us working out anywhere else. It would wreck him. Besides, queens don’t work out at 24-hour fitness!”
I DID IT! I walked back into the very place the best season of our lives began, held my head high, straightened my crown, and took back another piece of my life that I was certain I’d have to forsake as I slowly begin the widow’s process of crossing over.
I even stood before “the window” and didn’t cry. I just remembered. I remembered all of it! I remembered “every day” we got to have him for the most beautiful season of our lives.
And by the way, that chair you see to the left of the computer is the very one I was sitting in when our first meaningful conversation began. You know? The one that started our entire love story with the shot heard round the world:
Catherine? Can I ask you a question? Do you even OWN a hairbrush?
Jean-Claude Van DAMN! I’m smiling ear to ear as I’m literally hearing him say it! You see, it was his sometimes brutal honesty with me that not only brought me to where I am today, but changed the formerly broken narrative I’d had running in my mind courtesy of virtually all the other “men” who’d come before him and never even tried to lead me:
Don’t trust men … they will only ever lie … up to and including GOD!
I can see it in your eyes, and I’ve felt it in your touch. I know that you’re scared, but you’ve never been this loved. It’s a long shot, baby, I know it’s true, but if anyone can make it, I’m betting on the two of you.
Just keep on moving towards the Sun. I know you’re gonna see that the best is yet to come. Don’t fear it now. You’re going all the way. That Sun is shining on a brand new day. It’s a long way down, and it’s a leap of faith, but you’re never giving up, ’cause we had a once in a lifetime love.
Everybody’s looking for what we found. Some wait their whole life and it never comes around. So don’t hold back now. Just let go of all you’ve ever known. You can put your hand in His. Don’t fear it now. You’re going all the way. That Sun is shining on a brand new day.
I closed my eyes and I saw you standing right there, saying I do and they’re throwing the rice in our hair. Well, your first was born, then his sister came along, and they’ve got your smile. I’ve been looking back on the life we had. I’m still by your side.
So don’t fear it now. You’re going all the way! I’ll never let you go. I’ll be right by your side. Just know I’ve made it Home and thanked God for our “once, in a Lifetime” love!
