JULY 18, 2021: “MY Little Girl!” …

“SWEET SIXTEEN”

Many cheers to a highly successful weekend of celebrating the beautiful enigma I am blessed to call my daughter! Most people have no idea the REAL battles this girl has risen above, nor the infinite and astounding amounts of grace and forgiveness she has shown SO many people that truly don’t deserve it. Someone recently asked me that age-old question, “What do you want to be when you grow up”? My answer was INSTANT and easy …

I want to be more like my daughter!

This often SHIT world we get to live in is SUCH a better place with her in it, and I cannot say it enough. She’s got a personality like me (she’s careful who she lets in), so anyone worthy enough to be in the glow of her halo is one truly lucky human soul. I love you Gloria Catherine. You are EVERY flawless stone in my jewel encrusted crown. I thank God every single day for picking ME to be your momma. No, I probably didn’t deserve her, but here I am rocking the “HAPPY SWEET SIXTEEN TO MY PRINCESS!” And remember …

You’re beautiful, baby, from the outside in. Chase your dreams, but always know the road that’ll lead you home again. Go on, take on this whole world, but to me you know you’ll always be MY little girl!

{Tim McGraw}

JANUARY 25, 2021: “My Mona Lisa” …

This memory popped up on my Facebook today, and truth be told, it is one of my very favorite pictures of her thus far. As quoted by Nikita Gill above, yes, she is “that kind of person”. To know her is to adore her, but here’s the deal folks – not many people GET to “really” know her, nor do I suspect they ever will. She is her mother’s daughter in this regard, and although it may seem that I’m putting everything about myself into the Cosmos via this Diary and other forums, the truth is that likewise will anyone ever really “know me”. Both me and my kids have had to learn the very hard way that where life, love, friendships and even “family” are concerned, it truly is “quality over quantity”. LOOK CLOSELY AT THIS PICTURE! You can actually see the little fighter behind her eyes. If only you really knew the trauma and heartache this kid has been through, yet has somehow managed to rise above with power, grace and courage, you probably wouldn’t believe it.

Be the kind of person who isn’t afraid to ask someone if they are okay twice if they say they are, but look like they aren’t. The kind of person who smiles at people even if they don’t smile back. The kind of person you wished for when no one was there for you. Be the kind of person who is brave enough to stand alone in a crowd for what is right. Be that person because we need more people like that in the world. Be that person because people like that are rarer than the rarest diamonds and gold.

Nikita Gill

Just as every other beautiful thing in my life, our relationship is a bit of an oxymoron. In so many regards, we are 100% polar opposites, while at the same time she’s my doppelgänger. The bottom line is, she’s one of my only heroes and very few “real friends” (although YES, I am her mom first and foremost – until she’s an adult that is).

I am here to tell you all that I would in fact be dead right now if it wasn’t for this beautiful girl. All it took was one moment in time with her at a Jason’s Deli when she was just over 18 months old. I saw her “mimicking me” as I was pushing food around my plate, but not really eating it, because I was literally starving myself to DEATH. That was the day that everything I’d ever known to be “real” in my fairy tale world came to a screeching halt as my heart broke in the most incredulous way once and for all and forced me to finally start fighting my way out of the dark and into this Light. It was HER who held the most frightening mirror up to my face of all – ME. She is one of my muses and “whys.

In case you haven’t noticed by now, with music being such an integral part of my mental wealth, there is an individual song for just about every “chapter” in this Diary. However, there are certain songs that have been so incredibly important to me that they’ve showed up more than once. “Miracle” is one of them. This song says everything that I feel about her in such a powerful way, just as it did my fallen king. The two of them were so much alike and shared so many of the same demons that it really isn’t any wonder that this one is applicable to them both. How lucky am I to have had as many miracles as I’ve had in my treasure trove of earthly gifts? I am a woman who is blessed beyond words, and truth being told, someday when I grow up, I hope to be JUST like her!

MIRACLE

Say it once. Tell me twice. Are you certain I’m alright? Just a sign to remind me tomorrow’s worth the fight. Ever changing – the story line that keeps me alive. So, make a wish and say: Give me life. Give me love. Star lit angel from above. Not so low. Not so high. Keep it perfectly disguised. Ever changing – the story line that keeps me alive. My Mona Lisa’s making me smile right before my eyes. Take another look. Take a look around. It’s you and me, it’s here and now. As you sparkle in the sky, I’ll catch you while I can ’cause all we are is all I am. I just want you to see what I’ve always believed … You are the miracle in me. Show me faith like you do. I’m amazed at how you move. Side to side, front to back – you know how to make it last. Ever changing – the story line that keeps us alive. My Mona Lisa’s making me smile. {Shinedown}

NOVEMBER 24, 2020: “They Shall Rise”…

They made me a mom.

They made me strong.

They made me refuse to give up on myself under any circumstances, determined with every single breathe I’m lucky enough to take to be a Light in all their darkness. You see, only a phoenix can make another phoenix, so they have no other choice but to rise up and and fly. And that, my friends, is just the way it is!

Sadly, it is true – there have been many consorted efforts to take all three of us down, but indeed we are ALL here still fucking standing. This momma don’t play, my friends. I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again … I will not rest until I see them both made completely whole, at peace with with their pasts, unafraid of their futures, and safe in the knowledge that their safest, truest homes are to be found within their own souls.

RISE UP

I was hoping for an indication. I was seeking higher elevation. Ay, ay, ay. Ay, ay, ay. I’ve been shaken wakin’ in the night light. I’ve been breakin’, hiding from the spotlight. Ay, ay, ay. Ay, ay, ay. The more I stray, the less I fear, and the more I reach, the more I fade away. The darkness right in front of me. Oh it’s calling out and I won’t walk away! I would always open up the door. Always looking up at higher floors. Want to see it all. Give me more. Rise, rise up! I was always up for the making changes. Walking down the street and meeting strangers. Flipping through my life turning pages. Rise, rise up! Like a prayer that only needs a reason. Like a hunter waiting for the season. Ay, ay, ay. Ay, ay, ay. I was there, but I was always leaving. I believe it, that I was never breathing. Ay, ay, ay. Ay, ay, ay. I’m bursting like the 4th of July, so color me and blow me away! I’m broken in the prime of my life, so embrace it and leave me to stray! {Imagine Dragons}

AUGUST 22, 2019 (11:30pm): “Achilles Come Down!” …

~ The Phoenix Collaborative ~

Achilles – Achilles – Achilles come down!

Won’t you get up off, get up off the roof? You’re scaring us, and all of us (some of us) love you. Achilles, it’s not much but there’s proof. You crazy ass cosmonaut, remember your virtue. Redemption lies plainly in truth. Just humor us Achilles. Achilles come down! Won’t you get up off, get up off the roof?

Achilles – Achilles – Achilles come down!

Won’t you get up off, get up off the roof? The self is not so weightless, nor whole and unbroken. Remember the pact of our youth? Where you go I’m going, so jump and I’m jumping since there is no me without you. Soldier on Achilles. Achilles come down! Won’t you get up off, get up off the roof?

Loathe the way they light candles in Rome, but love the sweet air of the votives. Hurt and grieve but don’t suffer alone. Engage with the pain as a motive. Today of all days see how the most dangerous thing is to love. How you will heal and you’ll rise above.

Achilles – Achilles – Achilles jump now!

You are absent of cause or excuse. So self-indulgent and self-referential. No audience could ever want you. You crave the applause yet hate the attention, then miss it. Your act is a ruse. It is empty Achilles, so end it all now. It’s a pointless resistance for you.

Achilles – Achilles – just put down the bottle!

Don’t listen to what you’ve consumed. It’s chaos, confusion, and wholly unworthy of feeding, and it’s wholly untrue. You may feel no purpose, nor a point for existing. It’s all just conjecture and gloom. And there may not be meaning, so find one and seize it. Do not waste yourself on this roof.

Hear those bells ring deep in the soul chiming away for a moment. Feel your breath course frankly below. See life as a worthy opponent! Today of all days, see how the most dangerous thing is to love. How you will heal and you’ll rise above. Crowned by an overture bold and beyond. Ah, it’s more courageous to overcome!

You want the acclaim, the mother of mothers. (It’s not worth it Achilles.)

More poignant than fame or the taste of another. (Don’t listen Achilles.)

But be real and just jump you dense motherfucker. (You’re worth more Achilles.)

You will not be more than a rat in the gutter. (So much more than a rat.)

You want my opinion, my opinion you’ve got. (No one asked your opinion.)

You asked for my counsel, I gave you my thoughts. (No one asked for your thoughts.)

Be done with this now and get off the roof! Can you hear me Achilles? I’m talking to you. I’m talking to you. I’m talking to you. Achilles come down! Achilles come down! Throw yourself into the unknown with pace and a fury defiant. Clothe yourself in beauty untold and see life as a means to a triumph. Today of all days, see how the most dangerous thing is to love. How you will heal and you’ll rise above. Crowned by an overture bold and beyond. Ah, it’s more courageous to overcome!

{Gang Of Youths}

~ The Bristol “Suicide Statue” ~