JANUARY 24, 2020: “I’d Rather Be Dangerous” …

DANGEROUS

“I could stand behind my barricade. Do what I’m told and be afraid to change. While isolated by the mainstream. With the current up against me. Well maybe if my arms were ten feet tall I could finally reach that crystal ball. ‘Cause I still find inside there’s something braver. And I, I won’t be, I won’t be the silent damnation. I will never be voiceless. My weapon of choice is I’d rather be dangerous. I won’t be left defenseless, as God is my witness, I’d rather be dangerous. I’m not making conversation. But I’ll state my observations. Well I could buy my faith like a plot in the ground. But I was never lost and I never had a doubt. ‘Cause I still find it’s not my imagination. And I, I won’t be, I won’t be the silent damnation. I will never be voiceless. My weapon of choice is I’d rather be dangerous. I won’t be left defenseless, as God is my witness, I’d rather be dangerous. Everybody is somebody, and anybody is you. I own my story. I won’t say sorry and neither should you.” ~ Shinedown

… when it’s 9:19 in the morning, 156 days since you’re life took a turn for the “you know what you have to do now”, you get this message from the “Second Phoenix Rising” and are reminded once again that all this pain has only ever been a gift. To you. To her. To the world! She gets it, I can feel it, and she really is going to be the final game changer for this story once and for all. It’s moments like these that keep me locked, loaded and DANGEROUS!

IMG_E8907

{This is the tattoo worn by Brent Smith himself, the lead singer for one of the bands of my life.}

Pain is a gift

 

JANUARY 18, 2020: “JUST. GET. UP!” …

getup

Someone out there needs to hear these words RIGHT NOW:

“I know you’re clinging to the light of day to tell you everything’s a-okay. A medication don’t do much. Yeah, it just numbs the brain. Guess you might say I’m a little intense. I’m on the bright side of being HELL BENT! So take it from me, you’re not the only one who can’t see straight. If you were ever in doubt, don’t sell yourself short, you might be bulletproof. It’s hard to move mountains when you’re paralyzed, but you gotta try. And I’m calling out … GET UP, GET UP, GET A MOVE ON!” ~ Brent Smith (Shinedown)

If I can do this, YOU CAN DO THIS! ‘Cause if it doesn’t kill you, it really DOES make you bulletproof! I promise. “I BELIEVE YOU CAN DO MUCH BETTER! Trust me!” Much love all of you. Now then: GO ON, GET UP, and isten to one of my favorite songs EVER! ~ Cat ❤️

Sig

JUNE 2019: “Breaking Inside” …

My husband wrote this in June for Gia because he believed, and it is true, that they shared similarly broken hearts. Now in reading it a second time I realize he was actually writing about himself. Ten years ago my husband saved my life, and hers. But in the end it was him that needed to be saved but I couldn’t do it.

SHARDS

“I finally broke and my mind came undone. My body gave way as I hit the floor. My heart shattered. I lacked the strength to even pick up these pieces as they spilled across the floor while they looked at me in disapproval for the “mess” and inconvenience I made for them, but I gathered them up none the less as the whip cracked and scarred my back pushing me begrudgingly forward. I didnt know what to do with what was left of me. I had never come this far apart. I was just a little [boy]. I just wanted to give up. Lay down. You know the rest. There is a crack deep in my soul that is still healing, but some days I feel as though it is only getting bigger. I thought I would never be strong enough to stand on my own and finally get my “shit” together. Could I find enough love for myself to make these jagged pieces worth putting together? I have looked to find strength in so many ”things” because I feel it is not within me, but deep down inside I know it is there. One day soon I will gather up these pieces again. Fit them together the way the are supposed to go. These shards will become my strength. My protection. My weapons against further abuses of my worth and love. The strength is gathering within me – I’m not little any more! They shoved me on to the path of adulthood and I will show those who have wronged me my wrath, which will only be overshadowed by the furocity of my love that is and was the best thing they will never have known. I spent so much time seeking their approval, when it was MY approval and favor they should have been looking for all along.”

Zachariah Lucas Williamson
~ June 2019 ~

Sig

MAY 15, 2018: “A Love Song From A Dragon” …

 

Dragon SlayerCREATURES

“Never again, never give in, never give in. Never again, never give in, never give in. I wouldn’t wish this on just anyone, but you seem to share my impulse. I wouldn’t take this from just anyone, but you seem to like the result. I’ll connect the dots and you can tell me when to stop. I’d rather keep on going than be something that I’m not. We’re creatures of habit, we can’t live without it. We don’t have to answer to anyone. We’re chasing the rabbit, like creatures of habit, and no one else knows where we’re coming from. And nothing’s ever gonna change, ’cause I ain’t gonna run away. There’s no need to panic, ’cause you’re just as tragic. We’re creatures of habit, we don’t have to answer to anyone. I’m not amused by just anything, but under the circumstances (never again, never give in)! You be the recluse. I will defend you when you’ve used up all your chances. I’ll connect the dots and you can tell me when to stop. I’d rather keep on going than be something that I’m not. We’re creatures of habit, we can’t live without it. We don’t have to answer to anyone. We’re chasing the rabbit, like creatures of habit, and no one else knows where we’re coming from. And nothing’s ever gonna change, ’cause I ain’t gonna run away. There’s no need to panic, ’cause you’re just as tragic. We’re creatures of habit, we don’t have to answer to anyone.” ~ Shinedown

I heard this song for the first time today and it literally punched me in face. Stung me. Broke me. Devoured me. Well, almost! And while I was certain I already understood the message that was being conveyed, I went ahead and did some digging and found this on a Shinedown lyrics page:

“CREATURES”, in the progression of a person from dark to light, is the first part of the actual transition. This is where the person begins to shed all of the negativity that has held them in such a dark emotional state, breaking free from the human nature and animal instincts we all have that keeps us trapped, repeating the same mistakes.”

Exactly! It was is if She was actually singing to me – my very best friend and nemesis for 19 years who literally tried fucking murdering me: The Dragon that was blocking my Light.

Ironically, it was right at 10 years ago this month when I finally set my dragging feet upon the THE HARDEST battlefield of my life: “Me v. Her”,

“I never thought I would be one of those women who let an eating disorder control every aspect of their lives and I certainly don’t believe in “statistics”. I’ve known long well that none of this was ever about the food, but rather some pathetic attempt to continually purge myself of a lifetime of shame, guilt and rage. It was about some sick sense of order I thought I was maintaining over the contradiction which had become “me”: My Rules; My Choices; My Food; My Control!  (Or so I thought!)”

I cannot tell you how many times I’ve been asked this past decade to explain what it was like “living with an eating disorder”. Try as I have time after time nothing ever really seemed to do my many eloquences justice. “Well why didn’t you just STOP doing it?Or, “Why WOULD you need to do it? You’ve always been so healthy and fit!” Lol, okay. Meanwhile, and again, did you know that I could have died? Whether it’s trying to kill your own living body or “the creatures living inside your mind”, eating disorders are nothing less than passive attempts at suicide as far as I’m concerned. 

It’s never really “over” in case you’ve ever wondered, and I am here to personally tell you that eating disorders have no cure. Only remission. Even as healthy and strong as I have now become, she has never actually left me. I just say she’s “dormant”, or hibernating if you will, and for the rest of my life I will always have to tiptoe and be careful not to awaken her. In the meantime, however, I remain eternally humbled and grateful that I’ve survived and lived to tell about it. “Me v. Her?” Checkmate … I WON! Just call me the Dragon Slayer!

NATIONAL EATING DISORDERS HELP PAGE

NAMI – EATING DISORDERS

HELPING SOMEONE WITH AN EATING DISORDER?

Bulimia

Sig

MAY 30, 2011: “DEAR SON: Fly From The Inside” …

cHRIS

My Dearest Christian:

Oh my gosh where do I begin? There are not enough pieces of paper in this printer or hours left in my life to be able to fully and properly express to you exactly how I am feeling at this moment. Christian, you made it! Against all odds and despite the dysfunction and chaos THAT YOU NEVER EVER ASKED FOR, you made it! There are literally a thousand things I want to say to you, but instead I’m going to just write you the lyrics to a song that make me thing of you the most these days that also happen to sum up my own feelings in a nutshell. Inhale this song, breathe it in, breathe it out, and know that I truly believe that these are the most important words a mother in this situation could possibly convey to her son after 18 years of living through a nightmare he never asked for the way that you have. Close the door on this chapter of your life forever baby boy. Fondly remember the many wonderful, beautiful and happy days in your life thus far – THOSE ARE THE THINGS YOU MAY KEEP! God please NEVER forget them. Hold on to them dearly in your heart and call on them if ever you find yourself lost, lonely or afraid. As for all the rest of it – the garbage, the trash, the chaos and the heartache? THAT’S WHAT YOU SAY GOODBYE TO! Keep only what you need of those memories so you always remember that HOW STRONG YOU CAN BE and just how much of a SURVIVOR you truly are! Let those things fuel your fire of determination in changing the direction of this family’s “toxic legacy” for once and finally all …

“FLY FROM THE INSIDE” …

“Is the weight of the world on my shoulders? Is the weight of the world on my shoulders? On my shoulders … All alone I pierce the chain. And all in all the sting remains. And dying eyes consume me now. The voice inside screams out loud, I am focused on what I am after. The key to the next open chapter. Cause I found a way to steal the sun from the sky. Long live that day that I decided to fly from the inside. Every day a new deception. Pick your scene and take direction. And all in all I search to connect. But I don’t wear a mask and I have no regrets. I am focused on what I am after. The key to the next open chapter. ‘Cause I found a way to steal the sun from the sky. Long live that day that I decided to fly from the inside. I can’t escape the pain. I can’t control the rage. Sometimes I think that I’m gonna go insane. I’m not against what’s right. I’m not for what’s wrong. I’m just making my way and I’m gone.” ~ Shinedown

Christian Peter, I love you so much – more than you could ever possibly know. I am so very proud of you and always will be, no matter what you do or do not manage to accomplish in this lifetime. You are my son and I want nothing but the best things in this life for you. And please always remember that many of the truly best things are not tangible, material “things”. True, unconditional love and acceptance, not only from others, but also for yourself, is something that cannot ever be bought. And peace of mind? While I can’t exactly say that it’s “free, because TRUST ME WHEN I SAY IT, “peace of mind” can, at times, “cost you everything” yet it’s also something that money can never buy! Over the course of time you will arrive at many crossroads wherein you will be daunted by the task of choosing one door or the other. Always follow your heart Christian. Always follow your heart! All the answers you will ever need are already inside there if you’ll simply trust and believe in yourself as much as I trust and believe in you!

And hear this too LOUD AND CLEAR: Another one of the most valuable “things” in life is yet again something no amount of money can buy: Self-forgiveness and the ability to fall, fail and make mistakes GRACEFULLY without the need to carry those mistakes forever on your shoulders like a cross. No, Christian! You are a human being and therefore you are imperfect. Only God is perfect and only God has the right to judge you! He is the one you will answer to when your road in this life meets it’s ends, and guess what? He already knew you’d be imperfect since long before you were born and has known every one of your mistakes before you even made them. He is more than abundantly willing to forgive you for your humanness before you even open your eyes each day if only you will ask Him AND HE’S ALREADY CARRIED YOUR CROSS! In this regard perhaps my biggest single prayer for you is that you surround yourself with a good, loving and firmly solid support system of people that will never cease to have faith in you, never give up on you, never stop believing in you, never stop being ON YOUR SIDE and unconditionally allow you to fail, fall and misstep GRACEFULLY, continually supporting and HELPING YOU MOVE ON from any of the “pasts” that you yourself may jade. People who are proud of you when you win BUT EVEN PROUDER WHEN THEY SEE YOU FALL ONLY TO SEE YOU GET BACK UP AGAIN AND TRY! I pray that you will surround yourself with people who will accept you just as you are, nothing more and nothing less, and that you never have to be faced with the unspeakably painful and daunting task of having to “say goodbye” and walk away from those people, especially ones that you have loved and trusted the most, because they refused to let you rise above yourself, move on and give you ALL the “Second Chances” you will ever need!

Inasmuch as it has taken me an entire lifetime of shame, pain, guilt and “a cross to carry” that VERY few would let me lay down to discover that the key to all of this is the practice of grace, forgiveness and unconditional love, PLEASE KNOW that these practices and principals are not only a blessing to receive BUT ALSO TO GIVE AS WELL. So then just as I pray that you will surround yourself with people who will extend these priceless graces to you, even more so do I pray that you will extend these things to others. Learn to give and you will be given. Love unconditionally and unconditional love will find you. Learn to FORGIVE and you will know forgiveness and most importantly HOW TO ACCEPT IT!

The world is your oyster now my handsome first-born Prince! Get out there and start gathering your pearls! In the meantime, just know your Mom loves you and is ALWAYS going to be here, good or bad, right or wrong, no matter what do or don’t manage to do. I AM ALWAYS ON YOUR SIDE until my last breath on this Earth and hopefully even beyond! You will NEVER be too old for me to call “my baby” and I will NEVER turn my back on you I promise! You’re my blood and bones and flesh of my flesh. YOU’RE ONE HALF OF THE BEATING OF MY HEART! I brought you in to this beautiful disaster of a world and for that reason I will ALWAYS stand behind you as you find your way through the maze. I give you to the world now and set you free my butterfly. No wait, my “Little Star”! Remember that one? “Never forget who you are Little Star! Shining brighter than all the stars in the sky! Never forget HOW TO DREAM Butterfly! Never forget where you come from, from LOVE”! In closing, while in the process of writing this to you I’ve now realized that these words are in a sense written not only “to you and for you”, but also “to me and for me” as well. It appears we are both standing at crossroads right now, aren’t we? Congratulations my graduate, I LOVE YOU! It’s time for you to FLY FROM THE INSIDE!

Momma

Sig

APRIL 28, 2010: “And Then It Was Done” …

Decree

IN MEMORY

“Some of the ugliest things took the longest time to make, and some of the easiest habits are the hardest ones to break. And I’m not asking for value nor the pain. But I am asking for a way out of this lie. Because I can’t wait for you to catch up with me. And I can’t live in the past and drown myself in memories. Welcome to nowhere, and finding out where it is. And fixing your problems and starting over again. You’re feeding your ego with what you can see outside. And you’re killing yourself for not speaking your mind. Because I can’t wait for you to catch up with me. And I can’t live in the past and drown myself in memories. In memory. I wonder why you make believe you live your life straight through me. I cannot understand why you question me and then you lie. I will not justify your ways. I cannot show you an escape. I do not know you any more, I never new you anyway!” – Shinedown

… and after two marriages, a separation, and only God Himself knows what unspoken psychological abuse, damage and trauma we both visited upon not only ourselves, but most of all our children … it was all but a fleeting memory now …

Sig

APRIL 24, 2009: “Dear God” …

 

Second

… Can I Please Have A Second Chance?

“My eyes are open wide and by the way, I made it through the day. I watch the world outside and by the way, I’m leaving out today. I just saw Haley’s comet, she waved, said, “Why are you always running in place”? Even the man in the moon disappeared somewhere in the stratosphere. Tell my mother, tell my father, I’ve done the best I can to make them realize this is my life. I hope they understand. II’m not angry, I’m just saying … Sometimes goodbye is a second chance. Please don’t cry one tear for me – I’m not afraid of what I have to say. This is my one and only voice so listen close it’s only for today. I just saw Haley’s comet, she waved and said, “Why you always running in place?” Even the man in the moon disappeared somewhere in the stratosphere. Tell my mother, tell my father, I’ve done the best I can to make them realize this is my life. I hope they understand. II’m not angry, I’m just saying … Sometimes goodbye is a second chance.” ~ Shinedown

Dear God:

Hi, it’s me again, Your lost sheep, Catherine. So they told me I should write You this letter, making “significant emotional statements” as if You were sitting right in front of me for 15 minutes. Irony of all ironies though and despite the fact that I sit here writing to You as broken and shattered as I could have possibly have ever imagined, I have never truly thought for a single minute that You weren’t somehow sitting directly beside me every second of every moment of my life. I know You are here. I can feel You in the wind and hear You constantly in the sounds of my children’s’ laughter. I actually even see You all around me in the beautiful things You have made for us and most especially when a butterfly dances past my eyes. Okay, so let me just follow along with this format they’ve given me and see where this can go.  Here is how I am really feeling: At this moment I am looking directly to You in search of some true closure and understanding. And, let this closure, if found, also be a new beginning …

So I resent You God for absolutely nothing and I think You know that I mean that. I fully believe that all of my punishments were not only earned, but more so than that, not cast down by You at all, but rather, self-punishments by my own dirty hands. I appreciate You for so many things they would be too hard to list here and I wouldn’t want to leave anything out. So how about, again, just the simple sound of my kids’ laughter. Their smiles. Their tears, their hugs. How about those two tiny little hands that grab my cheeks every morning and remind me of that I’m still alive. How about my parents, my sister and Hell, even for Him. Only You know how things are going to go for us, yet still I love Him and He did bring my beautiful children into this atmosphere. I appreciate all the beauty in this world that envelops me and even the not so pretty things that force me to concentrate on the others. Yes, God, I appreciate You more than You know. Oh, wait, You do know, right?

I thank you God for the two small miracles you placed in my path over this last twelve months: Henrik and Zack. May Your grace ever light the many roads they travel in order that the gifts of true kindness and compassion each have to offer this world may be abundantly acknowledged and accepted. They are my safe havens for once and for all … warm, safe places to land, be broken, vulnerable and heard. Never once have I known hearts so pure, except for those of my children, and never friendships as open, accepting, unconditional and trusting. You know God, that was really all I ever wanted … to be heard with out judgment, validated and accepted … for all that I am, flaws included.

I am so sorry God that I have refused to search for Your hand in all of these years. I know You’ve reached out many times but I just kept slapping Your hand away. I’m sorry for being so selfish, ego-centrical and pitiful. I’m sorry for being weak and lazy. I’m sorry for all the hatred, venom and toxic black poison that still runs inside my veins. I’m sorry for feeling sorry for myself all the time and sorry for being sorry. I’m sorry that I am stubborn not that very pliable. God, please listen to me … I’m sorry for haven taken a single one of the gifts that You have given me and pissed them all away. God, I am just fucking sorry. And for all of these things I would desperately like to make amends now.

I can’t actually say that I forgive You for anything as I do not at all believe that You have done anything wrong. As I said, I believe that my “punishments”, the guilt, shame, self-mutilation and torture, were not of YOUR hands at all – they were of my own. So then? I forgive you NOT! I do miss You though, and I mean that. It feels lonely and suffocating having severed myself completely from Your light.

So now I need to “say goodbye to the dream of how I wanted my life to be”. I want to try and let You do things Your way now. I can honestly say that I am not at all sure how I’m going to actually let that happen but I suppose these words are a start. Please hear me now. I am ready to be forgiven. Please show me the way. I want to let this go and just start over. I need a second chance now.

I love You, God … Catherine

Sig