We do not escape into philosophy, psychology, and art … we go there to restore our shattered selves into whole ones.

(Anaïs Nin)

Memories.

They can shatter you into pieces or build you into a masterpiece, the likes of which no one’s seen. Take for instance this Facebook memory from August 11, 2014 that popped up at just after midnight this morning, wherein I made poignant post in response to having heard someone use the words “selfish” and “suicide” in the same sentence:

“… how selfish of someone who has everything in the world to commit suicide”. Just read that complete and total bullshit and it’s so beyond infuriating. It’s called depression people, and it knows no bounds! As if someone actually wakes up one morning and says “Okay, I’m feeling kind of selfish today so I think I’ll just asphyxiate myself”. Been there, done that. It means a human being is in SO much unbearably excruciating pain, sometimes both mentally AND physically, that the only escape they see or “feel” from the noose around their own heart is sleep. It’s the ultimate end to the many broken voices in their mind. Don’t judge. Instead, be on your knees thanking your God that you’ve never been in such a deafeningly silent place. Seriously? And by the way, someone please define “everything”. If someone has “everything” they must not become depressed?

It clearly didn’t sit well with me to hear such careless words tossed into the wind without abandon. If only I’d known what was coming for me and mine just five years and 11 days later. It’s as though the Universe was already preparing me for the scattered pieces of a life I never imagined I’d have to put back together … especially after having survived my OWN attempt at suicide in 2006, back when the only words I could ever really manage to SILENTLY scream out to God were these:

I’m here again, a thousand miles away from You. A broken mess … just scattered pieces of who I am. I tried so hard. Thought I could do this on my own.

That was then.

THIS IS NOW!

I’m beyond thankful that I’ve grown to this place where the memories and scattered pieces of my shattered life no longer haunt me from the dark chasms in my mind. You see, it was in those very chasms and in my darkest hours that I was able to find my way back Home to my truly blind faith and rightful place as God’s favorite daughter. These days, my heart SINGS in a much different kind of silence:

Then I saw Your face … I knew I was finally Yours. I found everything I thought I lost before. You called my name … I came to You in pieces so You could make me whole. I’d come undone … but You made sense of who I am … like puzzle pieces in Your eye.

I’ve said it before, but I’ll say it again. I’d give anything if I could just “zap” this power and grace I wield in my divinely punctuated soul to every person who is now or ever has been shattered in the silence of their painful memories, not the least of which was my beautiful husband who left us be behind in his shards. All of this pain has been a gift, because without it I would never have realized how beautiful the brighter side can be.

Thank you again to one of my favorite bands, “Red“. This bittersweet song has made more than a few appearances in this Diary, and I’m thankful for the way the meaning of its powerful words have evolved within me over the years. Oh, don’t get me wrong … it’s still a major tearjerker. Only, these days those tears come from a place of hope, faith, and healing that I can barely put into my own words.

Meanwhile, I’m still standing strong amidst a lifetime of “shards and pieces” that I suppose should have leveled me by now, but instead, have only helped me find God’s face and voice within myself. I will never be broken and alone in silent darkness again.