Yesterday morning while arranging my weekly flowers I found myself smiling from ear to ear as I looked up and said, “Well, you did say you never wanted a day to go by that there weren’t fresh flowers in the house for me, right? Just because your gone doesn’t mean there won’t still be flowers in this house for me always. Not only would you hate that, but as it happens I’m STILL a queen after all has been said and done and I DESERVE THEM!“ Then I just kept primping them in my favorite container, with nothing but joy in my heart, all the while thanking GOD for the real life Superman he sent to me if only just for a season to once and finally remind me that I am worthy of all the most beautiful things in this world, not the least of which are any and all kindnesses, no matter how simple or grand, that I so choose to bestow upon myself for all the remaining days of my life. I will treat myself how I wish to be treated by others while I continue to survive in this realm: WITH KINDESS!
I have always loved flowers, and despite the outward appearance and accoutrements of my life I am not a person whose affection can be bought. Quite the contrary actually, and some day when you REALLY get to know me you will understand exactly why. QUICK DIGRESSION: In my lifetime I have had many “things” and enjoyed many material luxuries and comforts, none of which however prevented me from reaching a point in my own journey where the toxic web I was born into and then perpetuated in both marriages to my first husband literally almost cost me my life, did momentarily slay my mental well-being and yah, at a few junctures made me literally just want to DIE. SEE ALSO: “Girl Interrupted” – The Uncut Version. The very last and tragic farewell at my ex’s 12 years ago found me barely functioning, mentally WHACKED and seriously not okay! The first of my “castles” left so far behind with only not even a shred of anything that closely resembled sanity, my daughter and what personal belongings I could fit into my car. ZERO “STUFF” DID I WANT FROM HIM! I JUST WANTED OUT!
THE POINT OF ALL THIS BEING: Of all the beautiful flowers I’ve ever been given from “both my husbands” in my lifetime it turns out it was actually the less expensive, store bought ones from Zack that I cherished and remember the most. The ones he often had to go truly out of his way to bring to me depending on where in the world he was working at the time. Anyone “married to new home sales” knows what I am saying here: That career path is not for the faint of heart! “To whom much is given” is the mindset you must embrace, as for all the abundance there’s a cost, even when it comes to something as “simple” as picking up flowers for your wife. The subdivisions he worked were often way far off the beaten path and not at all conducive to “let me just stop in for a minute and get her some flowers”. Not to mention the fact that by the time he locked those model home doors every night ALL HE WANTED TO DO WAS COME HOME! So indeed, every time that man walked in the door with flowers in his hand I knew in my heart what they’d truly “cost” him: Time, energy, effort and thought. Those are things that no man’s money will EVER be able to buy me. Trust me: Been there. Done that. Got the medal AND the scars from that scene AND NOW I’M JUST SO FUCKING OVER IT!
So with that, I am thankful again this morning for the many gifts he left behind for me. My “Superman” may have fallen with a bloodied, torn and TWISTED CAPE around his neck, but trust me when I tell you, he hasn’t left my astmosphere, nor will he ever! He refused to let me see anything but the best things in myself and I refuse to EVER creep back to that shadow I once lived in where I was only ever as good as as how the other SICK AND TOXIC PEOPLE in my life up to that point decided to judge me. No more shame in this game! I AM A QUEEN :: Beautiful. Disasterous. Broken. Whole. Strong. Fierce. Smart. Funny. Capable. Ridiculous. Chaotic. COHERENT AND AWARE OF THE REFLECTION OF MYSELF I FOUND IN THE MIRROR OF HIS EYES FOR THE LAST ELEVEN YEARS! Guess what? YOU CAN’T STOP THIS GIRL EITHER!
If you are reading this today, I would like to pose a challenge:
Is there someone special in your life? TAKE AN EXTRA 20 MINUTES TODAY AND GET THEM SOME FLOWERS! And remember, they don’t have to be expensive. If your beloved is worth any of your time, thought and attention they will appreciate the gesture for all the right reasons just as I did all the times Zack brought them to me.
If you don’t have someone special in your life? TAKE AN EXTRA 20 MINUTES TODAY AND GET YOURSELF SOME FLOWERS! You. Are. A QUEEN, or maybe even a KING, and you can be your OWN superhero! Having a healthy, loving, forgiving and unconditional relationship with YOU is the first step to BECOMING your own “superhero” in the first place! Life is hard people. Giving yourself flowers is a simple kindess you can bestow upon yourself because YOU DESERVE IT AND YOU CAN!
Much love to all you! ~ Cat
“In a while now I will feel better, I’ll face the weather before me. In a while now I’ll race the irony and buy back each word of my eulogy. All the uninvited tragedies. Step outside. Ask yourself now where would you be without days like this when you finally collide with the moment you cant forget. So do I remind you of someone you never met? A lonely silhouette? And do I remind you of somewhere you wanna be? So far out of reach. Oh, I wish you’d open up for me ’cause I wanna know you. Amaryllis. Bloom. Stay a while now. Undress your colors ’cause they’re like no others I’ve ever seen.I could get used to your company. Step inside. Ask yourself now where would you be withoutdays like this when you finally collide with emotions you can’t resist?” – Shinedown
NOTE: This was a particularly special song to Zack and me because when we met we were BOTH an “Amaryllis”!