… because who else could I possibly blame for the current state of my broken but still beating heart? How else could I possibly explain what isn’t happening to me in the wake of all this devastation? While driving home yesterday it hit me once again, that yes, it is true, I AM A WARRIOR QUEEN! Let me tell you why …

Most of you probably already know that my husband took his own life at “just before midnight, Thursday, August 22nd“. But what you probably don’t know is where he did it:

Exactly .3 miles from the throne he abdicated in the subdivision being constructed that abuts ours.

Keep in mind that the entrance to this subdivision is at an intersection on the main thoroughfare between the very small town that I live in and the larger neighboring one. Since the majority of my time is spent in the neighboring one, unless I make a consorted effort to avoid that intersection I love to hate so much, I have no choice but to traverse that road often multiple times daily and come face to face with THESE gut-wrenching, sobering facts:

“That” was the last road he traveled.

“There” was the last turn he ever made.

“Those” were the last things that befell his dying eyes as he headed towards his fate.

I’m not gonna lie, in the immediate weeks that followed his suicide, I avoided that road at all costs and had made a firm pact with myself to NEVER drive down it again. After all, what person in their right mind could under the circumstances? So many of my people were highly concerned for me in that regard, and rightfully so.

But here’s the deal …

It’s not me … it’s Him! I’m tellin’ you, people! IT’S HIM (and the “ghost gang” He’s got covering me 25/8, 366 days a year! Call them angels. Call them spirits. Call them whatever in Heaven or “Somewhere” other than here that you want. All I know is that “whoever they are” or “whatever they are” is very, extremely real to me, and for that, I am infinitely thankful.

GHOST

There’s a ghost. There’s a ghost inside of me. Not like those draped in old bed sheets. Saying “trick or treat”. Different. Oh, this ghost is different. Not one that leaves me scared to death. But one that puts my fear to rest. Oh, holiness keep haunting me. Oh, you’re my hope, you’re my peace. Ironic in a way.  I’m no longer afraid. And the ghost is to blame. There’s a ghost. There’s a ghost inside of me. Not something from some campfire story. Where I’m terrified to sleep. Opposite. This ghost is quite the opposite. He came just like a welcomed friend. And I was comforted. Oh, holiness keep haunting me. Oh, you’re my hope, you’re my peace. Ironic in a way. I’m no longer afraid. And the ghost is to blame. I’m not afraid. I’m not afraid. No longer afraid. {Mercy Me}