The darker the night, the brighter the stars, the deeper the grief, the closer is God.

~ Fyodor Dostoyevsky

Zachariah,

How can it have already been five years? Now, here I am in this August that really doesn’t hurt anymore or shake me awake from nightmares. Rather, my August is filled with love, laughter, and beautiful memories of your life … not death and trauma. I’m in an August where I still believe in magic. I’m in an August where I’m thankful to just be breathing, because breathing no longer hurts.

Your childhood wounds truly did reopen in the shadow of my motherhood then spill out like guts from a carcass. As you would always say, before seeing me as a mother to my babies, and then, too, as a mother to so many others, you rarely thought about your own childhood. You knew it was far beyond perfect … and that was that. But when you saw my kid’s beautiful face, innocent eyes, and pure soul staring back, you realized how much cruelty you had endured at the neglectful hands of your “parents”. If only you had let out the little boy you had locked up long back and wiped his tears and hugged him. If only you’d let him pour all that he ever wanted to say but never could, maybe you’d still be here with us. My kids saved both the little and adult me … but no one could save the little or adult you.

I love you, Zack, and miss you every single second of every single day. That being said, what hasn’t killed me has truly only made me stronger, and I’m alright now. Pray God that you are, too. In the meantime, I absolutely REFUSE to chase our old horizons, but rather, let them propel me up and out from the deadest of seas.

~ Catherine