The great Sufi poet, mystic, and spiritualist, Rumi, once said that, “The cure for the pain is in the pain”. I actually couldn’t agree more. Just like all of the most beautiful albeit bittersweet dances with love, that wisdom has transcended time and space.
As for me, however, I say that likewise has pain and suffering in general transcended time and space through the root systems of our family trees. Until that day comes when someone finally says, “No more!”, then decides to calm the fire of that generationally gifted pain within themselves once and for all such that the toxins that once poisoned its roots stop bleeding out through the hearts of its ancestors, the agony endured by poison in its roots lives on.
… the Monday after he shot himself, someone hauled my ass to the doctor. They wanted to make sure I was medicated so that I could function. So, they put me on a prescription of something for 30 days. Umm, I don’t even know what it was. I just remember I was numb. My mom came to move in to the house with me for a while. Of course, I didn’t leave my room unless I had to … to handle, like, the business of it all … go the funeral home, make the arrangements … but I didn’t leave my room that much. Plus, they were shoving drugs down my throat to help me cope with everything. And, umm, I had a 30 day prescription of whatever it was. Honestly? I couldn’t tell you what they had me on. I wanna say it was Klonapin. Whatever it was, it was pretty effective. I was numb … I couldn’t feel anything … but after my prescription was over on the 30th day … 35 days later I guess we’ll just call it … I had no more medication. I had no more … nothing to numb the pain or the reality or to change anything, and it was time for me to wake up and smell the coffee. And you know what? I remember that I have these blinds in my room. Well, it was our room. We kept the blinds down all the time to black out all the Sun. We would do that at night, so … we liked to sleep in the total darkness. And they had those blinds down. For 30 days in a row, I never opened them throughout the whole medication process after the 22nd. But, on the day that my medicine ran out, there was nobody there, my mom had already gone home. It was just me and the dog and my new reality … my new life … and I got up and I put my feet on the ground and I just … I remember going to the window, and I opened up my blinds, and I looked out into the backyard. I looked at the Sun. I look at the sky. It was a blue sky. It was really pretty outside. It was September. It was the end of September when that day happened, and I just made a decision. I said to myself, ” I can either let this define me or I can not. I can either be a victim or not. I can either crumble or not. I can either get up or stay down. And I made the decision to get up and that was then.
I’m so glad. I’m so thankful. I’m so thankful for everything I’ve been through in the last … not just the last 283 days or whatever … I’m so thankful for everything that I’ve been through in the last 50 years. I’m gonna cry. I wouldn’t change a thing! Every thing. Every moment. Every time I’ve fallen. Every time I’ve risen. In the darkest hours of my life, that’s where I found the richest blessings. That’s where I found myself. I found myself in all my broken pieces. All of that pain … the pain that I have experienced has been my greatest gift … my my greatest blessing. I wish so much that I had a way to “ozmose” what I know and how I feel and what I’ve learned on my journey to as many of you as I can, because I know there are people in my atmosphere right now as I’m sitting here waiting for my girls. I call them “my girls”. (My daughter’s friends are my daughters, too. That’s how it’s always been in my house. She’s got a knack for picking amazing girls to surround herself … now, put it this way. She hasn’t always been so good at that, but she’s got a really good tribe now, and these are her tribe for the long haul. I’m thinking that the people that she has in her life right now are gonna be her people 40 years from now. I can tell! But anyway, I’ve digressed.)
I know that there are people in this world at this very minute that are crumbling. They’re questioning … they’re hurting … they’re aching … they’re dying … they’re hiding … they’re fighting for their moment … and I wish that I could just give you what I have and just “poof” it into you, but all I can tell you is just hang on. It’s ‘Chin Up! Knuckles Out!” You know that’s what I like to say. I’m telling you guys … everything that you need to survive and overcome? It’s inside of you. If I can do this, YOU can do this! I am the happiest fucking bitch I’ve ever met. I really am. I have joy in my heart. I have peace in my heart. I hope I don’t have to leave tomorrow, but if I do, I’m happy. I have lived and I have loved. I’ve had the most amazing pain and the most amazing loves of two men in my life that … three, if you count Christian … my son, Christian … I have been lucky enough to have had the sweetest, most truest love that any woman could have ever had. I’ve had that twice now, and how lucky am I, because there are women in this world that haven’t had that once. And when I think about all of the things … all of the gifts that those two men left for me, I’m so thankful, because … I wouldn’t change it even if I had know the way the stories were gonna end. As painful as it was to watch the one guy hit the … I watched someone dying on … I’ve watched THREE people die. I watched a daughter die in my arms. I saw a man dying in the street. The man … the first man that I ever loved in my life … I watched him laid out in the middle of the road after he hit a brick wall going 90 miles an hour. I had to see that with my own eyes. And then I watched my husband “dying out loud“. I watched him. I didn’t … I wasn’t with him when he shot himself, but I watched him dying. I watched it day by day. It was the worst thing. I mean, I can’t even tell you. It was so hard to do. It was unbearable to see a human being dying in front of me. But I did it. But I wouldn’t … and had I … even had I known the way it was gonna end, I wouldn’t trade it. I wouldn’t trade it for the world, because I figured out the secret. I figured out … I figured everything out and I’m so thankful for that.
{“The Pain Is A Gift“}
Please, God, let it be me! Let me be the one to have absorbed the very last drops of poison that bled out and suffocated the rotting roots of our sick and dying tree so that the branches of my children and theirs will reach up and touch the Sun instead of digging back down into hell. I am humbled and honored to have been chosen for such a sacred calling and for getting to know “the secret”.
Happy Birthday to this song I’ve been listening to faithfully for going on thirty one years now, it, too, transcending the time, space, and beautiful changing seasons of my life.
The Diary Of My Perfection 
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