Secrets Make Me Sick No Longer
… because unless you know where my “homecoming queen” has already been and the battles she’s fought and won by now, you just can’t understand how truly powerful this picture of her really is. But seriously though, someday we’ll sit back and laugh as all those silly haters that just ain’t her and won’t ever be her are choking on the ashes from her fire.
Long before August 22, 2019, when Zack turned our world upside down in the most egregious way possible, Gia had been on a downward spiral of her own. It was November of 2018 when during a random a spot check of her phone, Zack walked into our room with a look of fear on his face like nothing I’d ever seen. He’d found that she’d Googled, “I don’t want to live anymore” and “I want to kill myself”.
Prior to his suicide, Gia had been fighting a darkness of her own for years, at the heart of which was the depression, anxiety, and PTSD from the unsettled relationship with “real dad” and the subsequent fallout His girlfriend and her daughter bestowed her. “Girlfriend” is the highly skilled and calculated”first do no harm” nurse THING with an agenda that’s seeing it’s way to fruition as I write this. They did a number her, which is still a source of unrest for her to this day, as not only is he still with her, but he’s planning to marry her.
Meanwhile, her years at St. Mark’s were spent toggling on the in and outskirts of a tribe of girls that only perpetuated her depression. “The Squad”, as they called themselves, were and still are clustered together like herpes blisters to bolster these infectious beliefs:
“The Squad” could neither stand NOR tolerate her lingering presence, much less allow her to enjoy any security within the group. Her genuine likeability, kind heart, natural beauty, intelligence, effortless athleticism, more developed physique, and “affluence” by virtue of her family were threats to the popularity and power they so desperately craved amongst their bottom-feeding, loser selves.
Wow, that’s harsh Cat! They were young girls who probably didn’t know better.
NOPE! Wrong answer! By this point in their lives, they most certainly knew better, and likewise, knew exactly what they were doing! For the record, a few of their pig like, “let’s relive high school vicariously through our daughters”, white trash, day drinking, pot smoking, pleather wearing, titties and asses hanging out all over social media, “making out with other moms in nightclubs” mothers actually supported, if not instilled the “do what you must to ascend to the top” mindsets into their daughter’s psyches from a very young age. Lol, one hasn’t lived until they’ve actually heard a sixth grade TWOT of a girl say to the carload of other sixth graders packed into your SUV on the way home for a Friday night sleepover:
My mom said that the new girl’s family is VERY rich, her grandparents live in a mansion, and that I should try and make friends with her so that SHE can make friends with her mom so my DAD can try and get their business.
Umm, really? It’s beyond pukeworthy, but also? ABSOLUTELY TRUE! These are the kind of “white-collar” trash bag families my daughter was associating with.
Yesterday, I finally got to the bottom of something that’s literally been eating her alive. As it turns out, her stunningly beautiful face and very developed physique had become more of a problem for “the Squad” than we’d suspected. You haven’t lived until you’ve seen your already broken daughter just staring at her plate and fighting through that mental gauntlet so many of us fall prey to:
I’m hungry, but maybe I shouldn’t eat this, because after all, I’m just a huge cow with gigantic legs that are twice as big as Taylor’s.
That’s right people, turns out Gia has had a dragon of her own circling her fragile heart. Fortunately, though, she talks to me about everything, albeit some days more than others. Now that I think of it, both my kids talk to me about everything, and eventually I get to the bottom of all their truths. With each day that passes, I’m learning more about the self-sabotaging voices she’s been fighting inside her mind, and as we talked through the war she was having with her food yesterday, she finally spilled these sobering words:
Mom, the thing is, I hate the way I look. I hate my curves and hate being so tall. And Mom, I never told you this, but last summer when I was at a Squad sleepover, we were upstairs, and Taylor started making fun of how much bigger my legs were than hers. She said, “Look everyone! Two of MY legs equals ONE of Gia’s!” Then she pointed out how much bigger my legs were than EVERYONE’S, and they all started laughing. THEN she started talking about my big, huge chest, and they started laughing even harder, and I felt like dying inside, and wanted to cry, but I couldn’t. They were supposed to be my friends Mom, but NO ONE stood up for me! Not even MJ! I wanted to call you to come pick me up, but I didn’t. I HATE MY BODY! Why DO my legs have to be so big? Maybe I just need to eat less?
And there you have it folks! It was a cruel and heartless CUNT bitch move! After all that my daughter had done for worthless sewer rat, “Tae Mae”, the only way she could make herself feel was to bring my daughter down to her “giant” knees. When I imagine my beautiful Mona Lisa sitting there surrounded by “her tribe”, the girls who were supposed to stand up for her, not only against the world, but against each other if necessary, in yet another “circle of abuse”, it makes me literally want to puke. It was her very own “Spic And Span“, and it was unacceptable!
I was infuriated beyond comprehension at first, but quickly remembered that I needed to keep calm and control my reaction. So, I took a deep breathe, thought things through, and this was my response:
Gia, I hear and understand you. I have been where you are and felt these same feelings, and I’m sorry that happened to you. It was unacceptable, BEYOND untrue, but damaging, nonetheless. But going forward, if you are to rise above this, you CANNOT worry about other peoples’ opinions. Remember: What other people think of you is none of your business! Any cruel disregard for your heart, emotions, and feelings is about THEM, not you, because in all their pathetic weakness, those “words” are ALL they have to slay you with. THEY HURT YOU BECAUSE THEY FEAR YOU! And remember this: You’re a queen, too, my beautiful little girl – a lioness perched on a hill! You DO NOT and WILL NOT consider the opinions of pitiful, insignificant, irrelevant, weak herding sheep that laugh at, mock, or torment you just to gain power, because you are MY daughter, and you are stronger and better than that! We can’t change the past, but we CAN change the future, so here’s what: Finish your breakfast, go get changed, let’s hit the gym today and do the work! Deal?
And so with that, we WILL keep working towards our soul destinations. My daughter is that fighter who will “keep on fighting on“, because she is mine, and that’s what GOOD queens do. Goodnight everyone!
I was there on the day that you were changed. You were scared and prepared for the heartbreak. Everything you knew faded out of view. Stole a piece of you. If I could, oh, I would be a hero. Be the one who would take all the arrows. Save you from the pain, carry all the weight. But I know that you’re brave. Fight on, fighter! Don’t let anyone steal your fire. Fight on, fighter! The Spirit is alive inside ya, yeah. There’s a part that you hold that you lock down. Let it breathe, give it wings, set it free now. Time to make ya walk, break the prison bars. Show them who you are. Fight on, fighter! Don’t let anyone steal your fire. Fight on, fighter! The Spirit is alive inside ya, yeah. Stronger than you than you ever thought. I know you’re stronger. Braver than you were before. You know you’re braver. Oh, no, you don’t have to be afraid. Together we’ll face it. So don’t ever stop no matter what. ‘Cause you’re gonna make it. {for King & Country}
Well, I’m sitting in front of her new school waiting for her to come out, and if today is anything like the first three days this week, she’ll have a smile on her face from ear to ear. For the record, the entrance ramp you see in the picture is the same one Zack traversed when he, too, went to Bowman! The little house he grew up in is just a few blocks away from the the park in my rearview mirror, and as I sit here, I can see the faint traces of the younger him barreling out those doors headed straight for that park. A sweet, blonde-haired, blue-eyed boy lost deep in a world of solitude, ever so unaware that the feet that were carrying him were already set upon a dark and broken path of “left to his own defenses”.
Despite the nine years we had him healthy, happy, and somewhat whole, Zack’s descent truly began here at Bowman two years ago when we were searching for proof he existed on paper as a child and finally get him a proper birth certificate and a passport.
Sitting in the very office where Gia and I sat last Friday to “fake enroll her” (with the intention of online school to finish her 8th grade year) was where Zack and I sat waiting to find that, no, there was no record of him there. Although we were lucky to find two pictures of him later that day at Memorial Elementary, the brutal reality burned him like salt on his soul. Still … the irony! The very place he began falling apart as an adult is where she is coming together as a child. We didn’t choose Bowman intentionally. It just happens that this is the Plano ISD middle school our address feeds to. It was mere coincidence. Or was it? He’s with her here now, I just know it!
Her decision to leave St. Marks wasn’t hard. It wasn’t the school itself; it’s great and I’m proud that my kids have that legacy. Although I won’t go into the dramatics, because that story will be a chapter to itself, let me say this: The particular class she was with year after year (most notably, the girls) bears the distinction as having one the cruelest lot of mean kids in the school’s history.
Worse yet, “real dad” began dating the mother of her best friend, both of whom embarked upon a campaign to literally destroy both mine and Gia’s reputations through words and deeds tantamount only to assault: Bullying, belittling, ostracizing, isolating, threatening, manipulating, and even blackmailing and slander. He’s still dating her, by the way, despite the trauma she and her spawn bestowed upon my daughter.
Gia spent the last five years feeling so alone on that campus, hard pressed to find but a handful of real friends. For the most part, her “friends” saw her as a revolving door, taking or leaving her to best suit their own needs, such that on her birthday this year? She was checking her phone every ten minutes to see if any of “her tribe” remembered the day she was born (much like every October 5th when Zack would check his phone every ten minutes to see if his people remembered him).
Before he left us and hurt her VERY BADLY, she was already damaged and fragile. Her “tribe”? Those girls she stood by loyally and faithfully? The ones she always showed up for, stood up for, and stood behind? The ones whose lockers she made sure were jam packed with treats on their special days? They showed her just what she meant to them on July 18th: NOTHING! No texts. No calls. No cards. NO. THING!
I call them “my girls”. My dauthter’s friends are my daughters, too. That’s how it’s always been in my house. She’s got a knack for picking amazing girls to surround herself … now, put it this way. She hasn’t always been so good at that, but she’s got a really good tribe now, and these are her tribe for the long haul. I’m thinking that the people that she has in her life right now are gonna be her people 40 years from now. I can tell! But anyway, I’ve digressed.
{“Seasons Change“}
On the first day of school this year, she cried her fucking eyes out when she got in the car. “Still nothing mom.” You see, she’d decided to err on the benefit of doubt:
Well, it WAS summer, so, maybe THAT’S why they forgot. Surely, they’ll say happy BELATED birthday when they see me on the first day of school?
You haven’t LIVED until you’ve seen such a beautiful face and equally beautifully heart reduced to such pain at the hands of the “tribe” she thought she belonged to. After all they KNEW she’d already been through, and after all the storms she weathered for and with them? They threw her away like yesterday’s trash and shattered her glass heart into pieces. So, when she was finally released from the hospital and the school decision had to be made, there wasn’t a doubt in her mind:
Mom, I don’t belong there anymore and you know it. Please don’t make me go back.
So, today I just know she’ll be coming out of that school with a smile! SHE LOVES IT HERE! It’s only been three days, and she’s had offers to sit at seven lunch tables. SHE HAS FRIENDS! I’m telling you people … HE’S WITH HER IN THOSE HALLWAYS, I can feel it in my soul!
None of you was ever good enough for her, so, thank God she finally saw it, because QUEENS don’t take scraps from anyone! I’d say I’m sorry that her overwhelming shadow kept the light off your bottom-feeder faces, but yah, NO! While we’ve forgiven you for everything, never will we forget! I promise we won’t be laughing from her perch at the top of EVERYTHING as you desperately flail around on the surface-level ground you will remain on as you’re looking up at my daughter’s presence and choking on THIS truth: Lions don’t concern themselves with the opinions of the sheep.
The Diary Of My Perfection 
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