So, umm, exactly how many stoic quotes from a bunch of dead philosophers can you throw at us in this Diary, Cat?
AS MANY AS IT TAKES!
Although all these dead guys are, indeed, DEAD, that their wisdoms have survived the test of time only proves their modern relevancy. We live in a world chock full of black and white thinkers who think in extremes without even trying to consider the MANY different facts, angles, and perspectives of a situation. Umm, hi, there! Not only did I use to be one of them, such rigidity was almost my downfall! The ancient philosopher mindsets, however, continue to remind us about the many beautiful shades of grey in this all.
Meanwhile, if I can change, YOU can change! I am, after all, the embodiment of survival of the fittest. I’ve “adapted, overcome, bent, twisted and SURVIVED” by refusing to just keep standing there rigid and stubborn as FUCK while life’s wolves tried to devour me.
CHANGES
Changes … time’s making changes in my life. Rearranging … can’t seem to stop the hands of time. I remember … I was so young … I was much too young to see. Now I’m older … growing older … and I see things differently. Faces .. strange faces cloud my mind. Empty traces … make it hard for me to find. Somewhere in the distance, is there Someone who awaits for that moment I am taken over by the hands of fate? Oh, can’t you see? It’s changing you and me. Time’s makin’ changes. Time’s makin’ changes in my life. Times rearranging … it’s changing you and me. {Tesla}
Perhaps one of the most overlooked pleasures in life is the ability to rise above the incessant “need” for pleasure. Look, I’m not saying that a little bit of pleasure from time to time isn’t epic. I’m a human, not a robot, and yes, I very much like having fun! I don’t go looking for it, though. Rather, I just let it all come to me organically as a reward for at least attempting to live with virtue and integrity. Why is that, you ask? Because a life without virtue that seeks excessive and not worldly pleasure is nothing but a trap that keeps you tethered to the constant pursuit of “the next best thing” and unable to live in the present and not always exciting moments.
I mean, HELLO? Do you know the story of my husband? He kept trying to plug all those holes in his heart with the “stuff” and accompanying pleasure he only thought would close the gap between all of the broken and missing pieces inside of him and the medication it would temporarily bring.
Could I find enough love for myself to make these jagged pieces worth putting together? I have looked to find strength in so many ”things” because I feel it is not within me, but deep down inside I know it is there. One day soon I will gather up these pieces again. Fit them together the way they are supposed to go. These shards will become my strength. My protection. My weapons against further abuses of my worth and love.
No amount of money or “things” could buy him the peace and happiness he needed to survive. “The frog turned prince” who started with nothing, then found a way to have everything, still went to his grave with “all of it” yet NOTHING. “Everything in moderation”, folks. Unless you’re a five year old who literally can’t help but to chase after every balloon that blows past his face, sometimes you just gotta grow up and learn to empty your cup, sit with yourself, and just revel in all the boring stuff.
Good enough. But, Jean-Claude Van DAMN, sometimes that process can be confusing. So, how do we get to “know ourselves”?
BY KNOWING WHO WE’RE NOT!
With that, and in honor of National Onion Day, just consider yourself an onion and just start peeling back all your layers. As far as I’m concerned, it is only through the process of elimination that we can truly discover the most authentic version of who we are at our core.
Look, the sobering truth is that life can get pretty noisy for all of us … especially when it comes to “peopling” our way through other peoples’ perspectives and opinions. But once you start removing all the background noise and distractions, finding the first edition of “you” becomes elementary. At the end of the day, it is my greatest prayer that after you’re done peeling, you’ll find yourself standing in the reflection of God.
MISSING PERSON
Another question in me … one for The Powers That Be. It’s got me thrown, so, I put on my poker face and try to figure it out … this undeniable doubt. A common occurrence … feeling so out of place. Guarded and cynical now … can’t help but wondering how my heart evolved into a rock beating inside of me. So, I feel such a stoic ordeal. Where’s that feeling that I don’t feel? There was a boy who had the faith to move a mountain, and like a child he would believe without a reason. Without a trace, he disappeared into the void and I’ve been searchin’ for that missing person. Under a lavender moon … so many thoughts consume me. Who dimmed that glowing light that once burned so bright in me? Is this a radical phase … a problematical age … that keeps me running from all that I used to be? Is there a way to return … is there a way to unlearn … that carnal knowledge that’s chipping away at my soul. I’ve been gone too long. Will I ever find my way Home? There was a boy who had the faith to move a mountain, and like a child he would believe without a reason. He used to want to try to walk the straight and narrow. He had a fire and he could feel it in the marrow. It’s been a long time and I haven’t seen him lately, but I’ve been searchin’ for that missing person.
On this day back in 2008, Seether released this most powerful song about struggle, resilience, and self-empowerment in the face of hardship in the aftermath of their front man who wrote it, Shaun Morgan, losing his brother to suicide in August of 2007. For me, it’s a relatable and endearing reminder of how some people choose to rise above dismal and tragic circumstances with hope and optimism.
The ability to safeguard, rise above, and master both ourselves AND our “feelings” lies within that glorious sentient power available to us humans known as AUTONOMY. With it, we are afforded the ability to choose where we begin and others end:
No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.
THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID! Eleanor Roosevelt, that is, and I concur! Likewise can nothing harm us unless we decide to allow it to make us feel harmed. I know! I know! Sometimes that’s easier to preach than practice. I mean, HELLO? Have you HEARD some of my rants and taken note of how poorly I’ve often gambled with my own power and grace? Many are the times that some jackass won the keys to the six inches of QUEENDOM real estate between my ears, such that dear ole “Uncle Marcus”, as well my many other ancestors and late husband must SURELY have been screaming at me from that BSOG base camp in the sky:
Umm? Cat? I love ya, kid … I DO … but you DO realize, don’t you, that you COULD have just chosen NOT to be harmed, right?
Lol. It’s all good, though, ’cause through it all, I’ve ended up swallowing a heaping spoonful or two of my own stoic medicine, taken back my power, learned a ‘lil something about myself and where I need to keep focusing my soul work, then forgiven and just moved on!
I guess what I’m trying to say is that it takes an immense amount of self love, respect, and control, as well as a lifetime of sculpting and chiseling to reveal the hidden splendor that lies within our human clay. JUST KEEP CARVING! You’ll get there, my friend, and so will I. In the meantime, whenever you’re feeling lost or in doubt, just call upon The Master, Himself:
Take the light and darken everything around me. Call the clowns and listen closely … I’m lost without You. Call Your name every day when I feel so helpless. I’ve fallen down,but I’ll rise above this! Rise above this! Hate the mind … regrets are better left unspoken! For all we know, this void will grow and everything’s in vain, distressing You, though it leaves me open. Feels so right … but I’ll end this all before it gets me! Call Your name every day when I feel so helpless. I’ve fallen down, but I’ll rise above this! Rise above this! Call Your name every day when I seem so helpless. I’ve fallen down, but I’ll rise above this … rise above this doubt. I’ll mend myself before it gets me. Call Your name every day when I feel so helpless. I’ve fallen down, but I’ll rise above this! 48 ways to say that I’m feeling helpless … I’m falling down, but I’ll rise above this … rise above this doubt!
How many of you knew that today is “World Philosophy Day“, the international day proclaimed by UNESCO to be celebrated on the third Thursday of every November? Lol! You’re so welcome for this random nugget that you probably could have lived without knowing for the rest of your life!
Meanwhile, of the questions I see most often on the writing forums I frequent is, “What is the purpose and goal of philosophy”? For me, the ultimate goal of philosophy is to help identify what we really “think, feel, and believe” about humanity, then EMBODY IT! Don’t just say the philosophical word or quote you’ve studied, appreciated, then memorized: Walk it! Talk it! Live it! Breath it! Emulate it! Stand for it! Own it!
EMBRACE IT!
In being honest, though, despite the fact that over the years there have been many different philosophies I’ve studied, appreciated, and aligned with, I believe that we should each seek out and endeavor towards our own unique set of “thinks, feels, and believes”, and not just find some someone else’s to strictly adhere to.
Don’t get me wrong, I do suppose that in many ways, the study of other peoples’ philosophies has its merits, but too often these days, free thinking seems to be a dying art, because everyone is so fixated with “labelism” and the sense of identity they feel by belonging to “a group”:
Oh, yes, I’m a Platonist, or Aristotelian, or Stoic, or Epicurean, or a Skeptic!
Oh, really? That’s awesome! ISN’T IT GOOD TO BE YOU! It looks like you’re in the cool club now because you’ve read some ancient words and found “something” to believe in! But, umm, hi! What do you think? What do you say? What do you feel? Do you have ANY original thoughts or synapses of your own? Or, instead, are you a 6 billionth edition mimic of some dead guy’s novel concept that you read in a textbook or on some social media post that just happened to appear on your feed?
As for me? As I said, I have both studied and appreciated a little bit of all the many schools of philosophy, and guess what, people? I’ve found mindset platforms I align with in almost every one of them – some of which blatantly oppose and contradict themselves. My personal philosophy is MINE and sometimes it can often change with the season. I call my school of thought, “Life According To Cat”, and I am here to tell you that, frankly, some my ideologies may actually be quite ridiculous. But they’re mine, and mine alone, and not only do I not shove them down peoples’ throats, I’m also wise enough to know that some of the things I do, say, think, and believe may be categorically WRONG! I’m very rigid about some things, and very open-minded about others, and sometimes those varied paradoxes can happen within the same five minutes!
I’m the first of me and the last of me. The multi-dimensional and fascinating world between my ears is something even I don’t always understand, but I just roll with it anyway, because I’m ME … and I CAN … and so long as I’m not burdening anyone with the “philosophies” I embody, then it’s Jean-Claude Van DAMN none of anyone else’s business what school of thought is in session for me daily. I have absolutely no desire to be labeled or categorized, nor do I need a “group” to belong to. Lol. I belong to MY group: “Real Cat, Party Of One!” Anyone who’s ever tried to put me in a group or box has usually ended up with that very same box shoved right up their ass!
So adamant, am I, that human beings learn to think for themselves, that I even deter my own children from adhering to my philosophical ideologies and beliefs. I don’t WANT them to be just like me, think just like me, or believe just like me. They’re my children – not my puppets, extensions, or mockingbirds. If I’ve done my job well by the time they’ve left my nest, they’ll be “where I ended and THEY begin”, not Xerox’s of dear ole mom. Parents who raise their kids that way are GROSS! Oh, yah, that’s just ONE of my RIGID “Real Cat” philosophies. Parents should allow their children to be who they were meant to be – NOT who they WANT them to be. But that’s another answer for another day.
I’m not gonna lie, folks, it has taken me a very long time to arrive at the answer to that, “what is the purpose and goal of philosophy” question that began this Diary entry, and in doing so I found something else to believe in short of my belief that the truest value in philosophy is only achieved when it’s taught us to find our own, which is this …
No matter how many enlightening books I read or dead guys’ words I’ve studied, I will faithfully continue to sit down with myself and have the same long, heartfelt and often heated conversations with me about all the things I believe that I’ve been having all along. More so than that, I’ll keep being thankful to have even reached such a place wherein I’ve been blessed to have the ample experiences I’ve had, good, bad, or indifferent, such that I can truly “walk, talk, live, breathe, emulate, stand for, own, embrace, and EMBODY” all the somewhat nonsensical things I do, not the least of which is the God I’ve never once lost faith in despite the fact that I could have long ago.
SOMETHING TO BELIEVE IN
I lost all faith in my God, in His religion, too. I told the angels they could sing their songs to someone new. I lost all trust in my friends. I watched my heart turn to stone. I thought that I was left to walk this wicked world alone. Tonight, I’ll dust myself off. Tonight, I’ll suck my gut in. I’ll face the night and I’ll pretend I got something to believe in. And I had lost touch with reason. I watched life criticize the truth. I’ve been waiting for a miracle. I know you have, too. Though I know I won’t win – I’ll take this one on the chin – we’ll raise a toast and I’ll pretend I got something to believe in. If I don’t believe in Jesus, how can I believe The Pope? If I don’t believe in heroin, how can I believe in dope? If there’s nothing but survival, how can I believe in sin? In a world that gives you nothing, I need something – something to believe in. {Bon Jovi}
Little do I know this yet, but as I sat through the debut of “The Blind Side” tonight, this movie just enlisted itself in the stoic army of my upcoming journey forever. Regardless of how much of it was fictionally dramatized and reenacted for the big screen and how much of it was actually true, the fact of the matter is that so many of it’s scenes and little wisdom nuggets have somehow unknowingly managed to take root way down deep into my psyche for future references that will be called upon in the moments I don’t see coming yet that will call upon my “charge of courage” in my own Light Brigage:
If you’ve ever seen The Blind Side (one of my favorite movies ever), you know exactly what I’m talking about. It was that moment when she found out that Michael had never had a bed of his own and became flooded with emotions she didn’t want him to see. She went to her room, sat quietly in her chair, and just “allow” herself” to cry for a minute. For all her endless and stoic strength, even she realized the importance of allowing herself whatever self-care and space were necessary to enable her to take care of her family. The funny thing is that I didn’t even realize I was doing “this chair thing” until he began noticing that whenever I was “flooding” with emotions, I’d disappear into our room then reappear a few minutes later. One night when we were watching the movie for the umteenth time in our season together, he finally pointed it out:
“You know, honey, you do that, too … the crying in your chair in private thing! Did you think I didn’t know that’s what you do when you run back into our room? You let yourself fall apart so you can keep it all together for us. It’s one of my favorite things about you.“
Am I courageous? Right now, it doesn’t seem so. At this point in the game I am filled with fears and doubts. Evidently, I am, indeed, one hell of a resilient and savage beast of epic proportion. Only time will tell the tale of where enlies my ultimate task now. Pray God.
The Diary Of My Perfection 
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