Where are the dreams that you once had? This is the time to bring them back! What were the promises caught on the tip of your tongue? Do you forget or forgive? There’s a whole other life waiting to be lived when one day you’re brave enough to talk with conviction of the heart.
And down your streets I’ve walked alone as if my feet were not my own. Such is the path I chose … doors I have opened and closed. I’m tired of living this life … fooling myself … believing we’re right. Have you ever given love with any conviction of your heart?
How long must we all wait to change this world bound in chains that we live in? To know what it is to forgive and be forgiven?
Too many years of taking now. Isn’t it time to stop somehow? Air that’s too angry to breathe … water our children can’t drink. You’ve heard it hundreds of times … you say you’re aware … believe that you care … but do you care enough? Where’s your conviction of the heart?
One with the Earth … with the sky … one with everything in life. I believe we’ll survive, if we only try.
A long day alone. The emptiness is so real. Never having peace of mind. Running from what I can’t see. And there is nowhere left to hide. Turn and face these empty eyes all alone. I try to find myself. I find the stranger trapped inside and I take one more step away from a face I used to recognize. Familiar shadows closing in. A Suffocating fear descends.
{The Band RED}
Happy 18th Birthday to yet another one of the most powerful songs of my life by one of favorite bands, “The Band RED“. Lol! You’re officially an adult now!
Look, if I’ve learned anything thus far, it’s that even those who are surrounded by people who love them and aren’t fighting “all alone” can slip to the darkness of a void there’s no easy way out of. Hello? Do you KNOW what happened to my husband? Although he walked alone for the majority of his life, in the end he was, indeed, surrounded by a handful of us who tried desperately to keep him from losing himself in that Godforsaken shattered mirror where he saw “nothing”:
I finally broke and my mind came undone. My body gave way as I hit the floor. My heart shattered. I lacked the strength to even pick up these pieces as they spilled across the floor while they looked at me in disapproval for the “mess” and inconvenience I made for them, but I gathered them up none the less as the whip cracked and scarred my back pushing me begrudgingly forward. I didn’t know what to do with what was left of me. I had never come this far apart. I was just a little [boy]. I just wanted to give up. Lay down. You know the rest. There is a crack deep in my soul that is still healing, but some days I feel as though it is only getting bigger. I thought I would never be strong enough to stand on my own and finally get my “shit” together. Could I find enough love for myself to make these jagged pieces worth putting together? I have looked to find strength in so many ”things” because I feel it is not within me, but deep down inside I know it is there. One day soon I will gather up these pieces again. Fit them together the way they are supposed to go. These shards will become my strength. My protection. My weapons against further abuses of my worth and love. The strength is gathering within me – I’m not little anymore! They shoved me on to the path of adulthood and I will show those who have wronged me my wrath, which will only be overshadowed by the ferocity of my love that is and was the best thing they will never have known. I spent so much time seeking their approval, when it was MY approval and favor, they should have been looking for all along.
Meanwhile … HAVE YOU? Have you ever had to pull YOURSELF out of YOURSELF all alone? Been there! Done that! Got the tattered proverbial straight jacket to prove it! That shit AIN’T for the faint of heart, my friends, and ONLY the strong survive a knock down, drag out, bloody battle in a ring going toe to toe with “themselves“. In the end, the best that any of us can can hope for is the strength to be strong alone, because no matter how many people we do or don’t have at our six, NO ONE can keep you from getting lost in a mirror but YOU!
Remember …
Behind every badass Spartan out there, there’s a story that gave them NO other choice but to learn the EPIC and DYING art of SOLO survival. Just think about everything your “cave people” went through and faced while they battled through untold triumphs just long enough to create the YOU! You are risen from their ashes, my friend. Don’t you EVER forget that! Whether you believe it or not, there truly are “solo survivors” in your very own bloodline looking back at you when you stand in that mirror!
So, with that, if you “woke up and broke it down” today … or EVER in your life … YES, I am SO fucking proud of you! Spartan on, my friends. Your victory is not in vein and trust me when I tell that someone out there has watched you rise after a fall and thought to themselves: “If they can do it, I CAN DO IT!”
I’m here again … but NOT a thousand miles away from You. No, I can’t do this on my own (nor would I want to). Since I’ve seen Your face, I’ve known that I was Yours and found everything I thought I lost before. When You call my name, You make me into one whole piece in Your eye.
I’m STILL standing strong amidst a lifetime of shards and pieces that I suppose should have actually killed me by now, but instead, have only helped me find God’s face and voice within myself. I’ll never be broken and alone in silent darkness with all these shards and pieces again.
After the tour, we visited the nearby Cellini Gallery, where I scored this bauble made from Mount Vesuvius lava. Fashioned from the Her core, not only do these beads ground me back to Mother Earth herself, but with my ancestral roots that trace back to right there in Southern Italy, even more so do they connect me to the ancient mariners who came before me:
They’re the pirates who came before me and the zephyrs in my sky who forged this path and built this mountain for me to stand on as they push me into the perpetual state of punctuation and magic I’ve become as I navigate this sea of madness. In the meantime, as I continue to soar through these golden years of mine, “I’ll be wearing steel that’s bright and true and carrying the news that must get through!
Look closer at my bracelet, and you’ll see a little charm. Our time there was over and I was supposed to be heading to the bus, so, I rushed through my purchase and didn’t notice it until I returned home. Truth being told, because I’m half blind without my glasses, and also because I’m not typically a fan of jewelry with “little charms”, it wasn’t until I was literally standing in my closet about to snip it off that I realized what it was. It was a teeny, tiny anchor, and yet another reminder that He’s with me eternally in my storms, just as I know He was with those of “my people” who were buried in those ashes.
Going forward, I’ll wear this bracelet proudly in honor of having walked in the footsteps of those who perished in those ashes for me, as I scream these epic “I WIN! YOU LOSE!” words to that Godforsaken devil in my mind:
Only time would hold the answer of how their season turned. They stayed there bleeding, suffering, burning deeper, then finally sinking under. Oh, how they fought to survive so that I would never break!So, you pulled me under with your lies and watched me breaking underneath, but I hid away that darkness in the Light that burns now deeper in me. You never knew who I was, because you NEVER held the key: They lived, then they died, and from their ashes I’ve ignited so they’ll NEVER fade away!
They can shatter you into pieces or build you into a masterpiece, the likes of which no one’s seen. Take for instance this Facebook memory from August 11, 2014 that popped up at just after midnight this morning, wherein I made poignant post in response to having heard someone use the words “selfish” and “suicide” in the same sentence:
“… how selfish of someone who has everything in the world to commit suicide”. Just read that complete and total bullshit and it’s so beyond infuriating. It’s called depression people, and it knows no bounds! As if someone actually wakes up one morning and says “Okay, I’m feeling kind of selfish today so I think I’ll just asphyxiate myself”. Been there, done that. It means a human being is in SO much unbearably excruciating pain, sometimes both mentally AND physically, that the only escape they see or “feel” from the noose around their own heart is sleep. It’s the ultimate end to the many broken voices in their mind. Don’t judge. Instead, be on your knees thanking your God that you’ve never been in such a deafeningly silent place. Seriously? And by the way, someone please define “everything”. If someone has “everything” they must not become depressed?
It clearly didn’t sit well with me to hear such careless words tossed into the wind without abandon. If only I’d known what was coming for me and mine just five years and 11 days later. It’s as though the Universe was already preparing me for the scattered pieces of a life I never imagined I’d have to put back together … especially after having survived my OWN attempt at suicide in 2006, back when the only words I could ever really manage to SILENTLY scream out to God were these:
I’m here again, a thousand miles away from You. A broken mess … just scattered pieces of who I am. I tried so hard. Thought I could do this on my own.
That was then.
THIS IS NOW!
I’m beyond thankful that I’ve grown to this place where the memories and scattered pieces of my shattered life no longer haunt me from the dark chasms in my mind. You see, it was in those very chasms and in my darkest hours that I was able to find my way back Home to my truly blind faith and rightful place as God’s favorite daughter. These days, my heart SINGS in a much different kind of silence:
Then I saw Your face … I knew I was finally Yours. I found everything I thought I lost before. You called my name … I came to You in pieces so You could make me whole. I’d come undone … but You made sense of who I am … like puzzle pieces in Your eye.
I’ve said it before, but I’ll say it again. I’d give anything if I could just “zap” this power and grace I wield in my divinely punctuated soul to every person who is now or ever has been shattered in the silence of their painful memories, not the least of which was my beautiful husband who left us be behind in his shards. All of this pain has been a gift, because without it I would never have realized how beautiful the brighter side can be.
Thank you again to one of my favorite bands, “Red“. This bittersweet song has made more than a few appearances in this Diary, and I’m thankful for the way the meaning of its powerful words have evolved within me over the years. Oh, don’t get me wrong … it’s still a major tearjerker. Only, these days those tears come from a place of hope, faith, and healing that I can barely put into my own words.
Meanwhile, I’m still standing strong amidst a lifetime of “shards and pieces” that I suppose should have leveled me by now, but instead, have only helped me find God’s face and voice within myself. I will never be broken and alone in silent darkness again.
My husband wrote this for Gia in June because he believed, and it’s true, that they shared similarly broken hearts. Now, in reading it a second time, I realize he was actually writing about himself. Ten years ago my husband saved my life, and hers. In the end, it was him that needed to be saved … but I couldn’t do it.
“SHARDS”
I finally broke and my mind came undone. My body gave way as I hit the floor. My heart shattered. I lacked the strength to even pick up these pieces as they spilled across the floor while they looked at me in disapproval for the “mess” and inconvenience I made for them, but I gathered them up none the less as the whip cracked and scarred my back pushing me begrudgingly forward. I didn’t know what to do with what was left of me. I had never come this far apart. I was just a little [boy]. I just wanted to give up. Lay down. You know the rest. There is a crack deep in my soul that is still healing, but some days I feel as though it is only getting bigger. I thought I would never be strong enough to stand on my own and finally get my “shit” together. Could I find enough love for myself to make these jagged pieces worth putting together? I have looked to find strength in so many ”things” because I feel it is not within me, but deep down inside I know it is there. One day soon I will gather up these pieces again. Fit them together the way they are supposed to go. These shards will become my strength. My protection. My weapons against further abuses of my worth and love. The strength is gathering within me – I’m not little anymore! They shoved me on to the path of adulthood and I will show those who have wronged me my wrath, which will only be overshadowed by the ferocity of my love that is and was the best thing they will never have known. I spent so much time seeking their approval, when it was MY approval and favor, they should have been looking for all along.
I’m here again – a thousand miles away from You. A broken mess. Just scattered pieces of who I am. I tried so hard. Thought I could do this on my own. I’ve lost so much along the way. Then I’ll see Your face. I know I’m finally yours. I find everything I thought I lost before. You call my name. I come to You in pieces. So you can make me whole. I’ve come undone, but You make sense of who I am. Like puzzle pieces in Your eye. Then I’ll see Your face. I know I’m finally Yours. I find everything I thought I lost before. You call my name. I come to You in pieces. So You can make me whole! I tried so hard! So hard! I tried so hard! Then I’ll see Your face. I know I’m finally Yours. I find everything I thought I lost before. You call my name. I come to You in pieces. So You can make me whole. So you can make me whole.
The Diary Of My Perfection 
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