Oh, how this epic roller coaster of a life I get to ride on never fails me! Five years, six months, and one whole day later, and leave it to that ride or die of mine and his bittersweet, cryptic, and powerful “music thing” messages to bring one of THE most important Diary entries I’ve ever written full circle by sending me THE perfect song to finally pair with it!
Meanwhile, and dare I remind you …
This is no longer just our communion. The worms of our flesh have turned with all the sacrifices you once swallowed, but now the once cold blood from the cup is warm again. It wasn’t so evil, as much as it was hunger … this body and the bones I picked clean. I built that cage I was trapped in with her, but guess what? I REMEMBERED WHERE I’D HIDDEN THE KEY! All of the reasons for me to get by became a need to get “high”, then pulled me down into an abyss of a life that was no fucking life whatsoever! The trick was always for me to get out of my own skin, but the beast had been calling for me all the while and slowly assuming control. I once truly was a taxidermy sewn into my own soul, but THESE days? NO MORE SLEEPING … only STAYING WIDE AWAKE in this dream that’s allowed me to get out of my own skin, because I was only ever as sick as the secrets I kept within! Those days are gone now, though, aren’t they? I’m so fucking proud of you, me! I LOVE YOU!
Please, God, let it be me! Let me be the one to have absorbed the very last drops of poison that bled out and suffocated the rotting roots of our sick and dying tree so that the branches of my children and theirs will reach up and touch the Sun instead of digging back down into hell. I am humbled and honored to have been chosen for such a sacred calling and for getting to know “the secret”.
While on the surface it probably appears as though I’m fixated on helping my kids live their best lives ever … NOPE! They’re helping ME live MINE! It’s what I was made for. It’s what I do. I’m their momma and I’m “ALL IN” with ’em on this ride … win, lose, or draw!
Many, many men have been just as troubled morally and spiritually as you are right now. Happily, some of them kept records of their troubles. You’ll learn from them – IF you want to. Just as someday, if you have something to offer, someone will learn something from you. It’s a beautiful reciprocal arrangement … It’s poetry.
If you’ve ever read The Catcher in the Rye, you may be familiar with the quote above and the teacher who shows compassion to Holden without speaking to him like some holier-than-thou asswipe … the irony, however, is that the scene later turns deeply uncomfortable when Holden wakes to find the man touching his head. I guess the point I’m trying to make here — especially as many of us are looking forward to chocolate bunnies and ham tomorrow — is that although I do so love “humanity” and this EPIC life I’ve lived amongst it thus far, people are basically living bags of shit (some more so than others). That includes me, as well. The worst of us, however, are the ones who are both too blind and stupid to see their innate shittiness in a mirror or, worse yet, too selfish and lazy to even bother trying to learn from not just others’ mistakes, but their own — thus the aforementioned “beautifully reciprocal arrangement.”
What I love about this song by The Funeral Portrait is that, as a “recovering” Catholic, I’ve always had a twisted relationship with holy water. There was a time in my life when I was certain I’d literally sizzle like bacon if even a drop of it touched me, and I was absolutely terrified to go into a church. Guess what?
Bye, everyone, it’s me, CAT! Now, go on and wash your damn self, “sinner,” and also have a REALLY nice evening! Here’s hoping the Easter Bunny treats you well, no matter your race, creed, religion, or SINS! For the record, I cannot say enough how much I adore this fucking band — and what an epic decision it was for them to collaborate with one of my favorite sinners of all, Ivan FUCKING Moody!
I’ve prayed incessantly for the moment I would be at peace with the thought of no longer being the number one woman in his life, and yes, “you” have always been at the forefront of my MOST important prayers:
“Please, God, PLEASE let her momma be raising someone precious for my son. No, I’m not asking for her to BE perfect. Just let her be the perfect one for HIM.”
Some years ago I found this excerpt from a prayer someone wrote to God about his own sons, and I’d been keeping it tucked safely in the “drafts” of this Diary for the day he’d finally found someone who I believe was worthy of sharing it with. It had something to do with Princess Katherine, who as you know just became The Princess Of Whales:
“And so I pray … for a princess that realizes she’s the daughter of the King of Heaven and Earth … for a Princess clothed in humility and grace (rather than the latest fashions and trends) … for a princess with hands that will get dirty for the sake of serving others and feet willing to walk the extra mile (rather than one that demands manicures and pedicures by age seven) … for a princess whose “adornment” is not merely outward (arranging the hair, wearing gold, or putting on fine apparel), but rather, let it be the hidden person of the heart, with the incorruptible beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is “very precious in the sight of God.” {1 Peter 3:3-5} … for a princess who loves unconditionally and forever, and doesn’t run out when her prince falls off his royal horse and isn’t as charming as she dreamed (because it WILL happen). Amen.”
And so, with that, here’s to me realizing that no matter where in both Heaven AND Hell this journey has already or will ever take me, I’m still and alwaysGod’s most FAVORITE daughter ever and one REALLY really blessed momma. BY the way, how freaking epic is it that she “kept” that little voice message I left her? As I said to her in the screen-shotted conversation you’ll see below, although she and I will clearly not always see eye to eye on things over the years, these are the moments that I’ll most want them to remember when it’s time for me to head on over to The Brighter Side Of Grey. Here’s hopin’ they just “leave out all the rest! Indeed, today is a GOOD “Good Friday“.
As and aside, can I just say this to any and all of you mothers-in-law out there reading this right now? If you are blessed enough to have a son who’s found a girl to spend his life with who loves him as much as you do, why not take a minute to just let her know that “you see her”? Although “Monster-In-Law” was a really cute movie, the message therein was powerful:
“A daughter is her mother’s entire heart existing outside her body. She is her strength and her dreams and a better human than she could have ever imagined. She is her light, her baby, her world.” (Unknown)
But what about a daughter-in-LAW? She is his mother’s entire HEART existing outside her body. She is his strength and his dreams and a better human than either he or his mother could have ever imagined for him. SHE is his light, HIS baby now, and HIs world (as it should be)! Now that I think of it, this same rule can apply to all you dads out there, too. I of all people know exactly what it feels like when a father or even grandfather can’t cut the cord.
So, what have we learned here, kids? We’ve learned that drinking sugary piss water is NOT the optimal way to heal from and rise above our trauma! Rather, we should:
Then, when you’re strong enough, maybe even make friends with it like I have! All that trauma? It happened to you! IT REALLY, REALLY HAPPENED TO YOU! So don’t just go pouring sugar on it, distracting yourself, numbing yourself, or running away from it!
Lol, cue the Darth Vader:
Sit alone in the dark with your trauma as long as you need to; let it emotionally cut your heart cords open, then pull you back out into The Light! Sugary piss water my ASS! FUCK THAT! I’ll take MY sugar straight, please, with no additives or preservatives necessary! Besides, as most adults—and even many children—know, too much sugar can actually lead to ants, so there’s that! Lol!
Please comment and let me know if you watched this most epic “eight-minute therapy session” ALL the way through and, if so, whether it resonated with you at all! Also? YOU GOT THIS! I promise!
Yes, God does know how many tears I’ve cried for my mother over the years. To begin, my mother did not … and I repeat — DID NOT — have a “childhood.” Rather, she had a “mother’s” responsibilities, helping raise her seven siblings while my grandmother was literally “working on the railroad all her live-long days.” Alongside my great-grandmother and namesake, Catherine, she became the third parent and “second adult” during that precious time in her life when most other girls her age were running around outside playing hopscotch and riding their bikes.
Keep in mind that my mother never really had the luxury of falling apart or grieving the psychological and emotional trauma of her biological father’s absence via abandonment — something even to this day she refuses to acknowledge. And besides, even if she had attempted to “deal” with all the cards that weren’t “handed,” but rather THROWN at her, who would have even noticed anyway? In the less-than-1,000-square-foot shanty of a home she was raised in and made the reluctant but willing domestic goddess of — chock FULL of not just her one older and six younger siblings, but an alcoholic and mostly abusive stepfather, an ailing grandmother, and a mother (when she wasn’t working on the railroad) — there was neither the time, energy, nor space for anyone to see or catch her if she’d either dropped or attempted to lay down a single one of her burdens. Now, here I am, many decades of her all-but-forced motherhood later, having to watch her as a grown and beautiful woman who not only doesn’t know how — but refuses — to ask anyone for help with anything. She only knows how to keep giving until there is nothing left. So, yes, IT’S HARD TO WATCH!
Meanwhile, if any woman in the history of humanity ever deserved to be treasured, cherished, adored, pampered, and placed high atop a pedestal by her HUSBAND … it was her, my beautiful Mother. Instead, she’s spending what’s left of what were meant to be her “Golden Years” locked away in a very beautiful yet abhorrent prison like Cinderella. She was his very first prize! His first conquest! THE purest trophy of all trophies!
The “empire” he’s so disgustingly proud to brag about “building on his own” would never have seen the light of day without her as a loyal grunt by his side. My mother … the true, rightful, and selfless QUEEN of this family was his first missed opportunity to show truly kind, patient, and unconditional love to the one person on the face of this planet who has ever faithfully loved him despite himself, which, P.S., is saying A LOT! Instead, she’ll be spending her birthday today in the prison he built for ALL of us but that I was able to escape.
Don’t get me wrong, though. She is, indeed, “treasured, cherished, adored, pampered, and placed high atop a pedestal” to the best of my ability, my sister’s ability, and all four of her grandchildren’s — BUT — the love we try to pour back into the cup she’s so selflessly always pouring into ours should have only ever been the SPRINKLES on a cake that HE should have decorated for her … NOT the entire bowl of frosting!
It is what it is, I suppose. She accepted her fate a long, long time ago, opting instead to let it make her physiologically ill at the core of her bones, joints, and nervous system, as is the plight for most autoimmune diseases — which I personally believe are somehow related to the internalized pain, anger, and suffering that are all too often masked with a beautiful smile.
So, for now, we’ll just continue to do the best we can to make sure she rides off to The Brighter Side knowing that she was seen, heard, and appreciated for everything she has given to this family, often to her own demise.
The most terrible loneliness is not the kind that comes from being alone, but the kind that comes from being misunderstood. It is the loneliness of standing in a crowded room, surrounded by people who do not see you, who do not hear you, who do not know the true essence of who you are. And in that loneliness, you feel as though you are fading, disappearing into the background, until you are nothing more than a ghost, a shadow of your former self.
Much to the contrary, actually, people so often do feel themselves fading and disappearing into the background until they eventually reduce themselves to nothing more than the ghostly apparition of who they used to be — because THEY abandon THEMSELVES! “The Task,” however, is for THEM to choose NOT TO!
With that, here’s me passing along yet another whack-a-doodle “song of myself” to you and your “ghost” — you know, that shadow of a person you’ve separated from and hidden away for so, so very long now?
Do me a favor and read these words out loud to yourself as though a friend or loved one were speaking them. Sounds silly, right? WHO CARES? Just do it, please! HAVE this powerful conversation with yourself — NOW:
Speak of the devil, look who just walked into the room. The guilted and faded notion of someone I once knew. All the perfect moments are wrong. All the precious pieces are gone. Everything that mattered is just a city of dust covering both of us. So many silent sorrows you never hear from again, and now that you’ve lost tomorrow, is yesterday still a friend? All the bridges we built were burned. Not a single lesson was learned. Everything that mattered is just a city of dust covering both of us. Did you hide yourself away? I can’t see you anymore. Did you eclipse another day? I used to wake up to the color of your soul. Did you hide yourself away? Are you living through the ghost? Did you finally find a place above the shadows so the world will never know? The world will never know you like I do.
So? How’d it go? How did hearing those words “from you to you” make you feel? Pray GOD they made you feel some kind of way, but more than anything, here’s hoping “you and you” can finally find a place to reconnect far above the shadows of a world that will never know you like YOU do! Pretty deep, huh? But do you understand what mommy is saying? Ghosts aren’t always so scary, by the way … especially when it’s the ghost of YOU!
Oh, and one last thing …
This epic song was released thirteen years ago today via the birth of its mother, “Amaryllis,” which, too, is an entire song of myself, “The Queen Of The Night“!
Grandma and grandpa painted a picture of 65 years in one little house. More than a memory … more than saying “I do” … kiss you goodnights and “I love yous”. Me and you, baby, we’ll walk in their footsteps … build our own family one day at a time. And we’ll build this love from the ground up. Now ’til forever, it’s all of me, all of you. Just take my hand, and I’ll be the man your dad hoped that I’d be.
Meanwhile, here’s hoping and praying that they don’t walk in any of our jacked up footsteps and they carve out much healthier paths and futures for themselves and their babies than any of us ever did!
Also? I don’t think they’ll be staying in this “one little house” for 65 years, because I’m gonna make them sell it exactly two years from closing yesterday, then build one more, then maybe ONE more before the sales comps in their still growing small north Texas town blow up after the interstate finally cuts through it in 2030! This realtor momma is gonna make them millionaires playing real life Monopoly trading little green houses for a red hotel within ten years flat!
I bet you didn’t know that there is actually such a thing as “World Puppetry Day“, now didja? Congrats, my friend! NOW YOU KNOW! With that, let’s talk about the most puppet-y of all puppets in the history of mankind … YOU … and how releasing yourself from the toxic strings you keep yourself tethered to and the death of your own ego will be the beginning of your entirely new and improved REAL life!
But, Cat? How? HOW do I free myself from MY strings?
(… said no one ever!)
I’m so glad you asked, lol! Here are a few good starting places:
Stop Getting Offended!
[SEE ALSO: “Agreement No. 2“!] Don’t let small things upset you, because not only are other people’s boneheaded words and deeds not worth all the stress, you don’t have to spend your energy on them! KNOW YOUR WORTH, “add some tax”, and don’t you waste a minute of your most precious commodity of all, TIME, on anyone else’s bullshit!
Master YourSELF!
Drop that superiority complex, rock star! In my humble opinion, the most effective leadership style of all is in striving to just be better than you were yesterday, not better than anyone else today or tomorrow. Only YOU should be your competition … no one else!
You … Are NOT … Your “Accomplishments”!
Don’t get me wrong. Of course, success is important, but it doesn’t and shouldn’t define you as a person. So, know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em, give yourself way more credit for all the little things you achieve, and know when to stop reaching for “more”.
Winning Isn’t Everything!
You can’t always win, and that’s okay, but more so than that, sometimes losing is winning! Don’t let your quest to be the best at everything affect your self-worth. You’re not always gonna be the best … or the fastest … or the smartest … or the anything-est. (Wait! Is that a word? Well! It is now, right?) Run your race at your own pace, no one else’s! You’ll get there when you’re supposed to!
You’re Not Always Right!
Let go of the need to always be right. It’s okay to let others win.
LET GO OF CONTROL!
“God grant you the serenity to accept the things you cannot change, the courage to change the things you can, and the wisdom to know the difference!”
Enough said? Capeesh! And that, my friends, is where we end. So, grab a pair of scissors PRONTO and just STOP making yourself dance around like a monkey in a shit show!
Thank you, Keanu, for breaking this whole “love” thing down for us on this of all the “Love Is” days! You truly are “Love Incarnate” and so are your beautiful words. Here’s hoping that my prayers have as I truly believe been answered and that both of my babies have found their forever homes in this space.
A very twisted and cynical, albeit spot-on accurate clown once said:
If people treat you like an option, LEAVE THEM like a choice!
I couldn’t agree with you more, Joker! I couldn’t agree more! And while, yes, indeed, we should all strive to accept people justas they are … good, bad, or indifferent … for GOD’S sake, we must also remember to place people where they belong in our lives, which (ps) is NOT always under the protection of our umbrella. You see, in case you didn’t know already on this “National Umbrella Day“, having an umbrella during a rainstorm is a privilege that not everyone deserves. Just sayin’ …
So, with that … “Got bullshit“? I’LL SEE IT! And once I see in you what you may not even be able to see in yourself, I will NEVER be able to unsee it! So, I’ll “good goodbye” you right to the door, shake my head, and move along! It’s what my people do!
“Behold, I have undertaken to speak to the Lord, I who am but dust and ashes.”
(Genesis 18:27)
… and so, with that, in case you didn’t know:
You
Are
AMAZING!
Yes, I know I’ve been kind of missing in action lately. There are a lot of changes happening here in my world and I’ve been immersed in some very heavy tasks at hand. More to come on that, I promise, BUT, in the meantime …
No matter who you are … no matter what you do … and regardless of who in this world either believes or doesn’t believe that YOU are a gift to the world straight from Heaven, never forget that you’re made of STAR-STUFF and NEVER allow yourself to take YOU for granted! As a matter of fact, the next time you walk out of your house, I challenge you to scream out loud to the world and to The Cosmos:
Yah! That’s right! I’m Jean-Claude Van DAMN fucking MAGICAL, people! So, either love me OR choke on my STARdust!
While I’ve known long well that I’m filled with “love and Light” such that this video isn’t really that shocking to me, it is, indeed PROOF of my “POOF“! It is my truest hope that this video clip by Dr. Gabriela Fuchsliterally blows your mind and teaches you something powerful about yourself today! It’s important that you know what’s inside of you:
Let me know what you think in the comments please, and don’t forget to remember that you’re AMAZING! HEAVEN is LITERALLY in you! Oh, and by the way, although I made this astonishing discovery back in August and posted it on my Instagram, it’s being posted here in the Diary at 6:20am in honor of the exact moment the James Webb Space Telescope was launched four years ago today. What an epic Christmas gift to us all … especially those of you who didn’t already know that you’re literally a “ROCK STAR”!
I once heard it said that the real ride or die is your first born who got the unhealed, inexperienced version of you. The one who stuck with you through it all. The one who saved you in more ways then they’ll ever understand. Nothing could be further from the truth! Then you look back at pictures of them when they were younger and just cry your effing eyes out because you didn’t really get to enjoy their childhood the way you wish you could have because you were in survival mode.
Been there! DONE THAT!
But guess what, folks? Our kiddos are more forgiving then we think. Dare I say that more often than not they forgive our many trespasses against them, whether or not they were intentional, much too quickly. Yes, they saw our tempers. Yes, they experienced our frustrations and lack of patience. Yes, for all the things we were trying to hard to teach them, they were sent here to teach us, too. After all, this parenting gig didn’t really come with an instruction manual, now, did it?
One year ago today, a brave Canadian woman released a love letter of forgiveness to her parents in the form of one of the most truly bittersweet songs I’ve ever heard. Since then, it’s become a moving and emotional part of many of our adult healing journeys with our own parents, and for me, has also become a soliloquy. The powerful words ebb and flow the “circadian” of a relationship with my parents, as well the relationship with my kids.
In the meantime, thank you, Papa, for allowing me the utmost honor and privilege of allowing them to become who they are and not what I or the world tries to tell them to be. If only every child were so lucky, well, then who knows what this world we live in would look like. Hell, who knows what I would have ended up looking like?
And to my dear Mama? It took some time and a lot of self-reflection, but I think I finally got your message. I “see you” now and I love you.
And to my kids? My prayer is always that I didn’t shatter you both irreparably before it was too late to see the error in all my formerly broken ways. Indeed, it is true that I love this hard because of both of you, and while we all know that it’s impossible to go back and change a single thing, this journey I’ve been on has only ever been so that one day when you’re walking in my shoes you’ll pass along at least some of my lessons. Neverthless, I remain … “bulletproof”, thankful, and filled with power and grace. If you ever wonder why I’m bulletproof, it’s ALL because of you. Pray God you’ll one day realize that my goal in this life was only ever to protect and bulletproof you in a world that can be so cruel. I love you to The Moon and back.
Mama? Who would let you down? Who made you think you weren’t enough and filled your soul with doubt? And Dad I needed you around, but what you needed was some space to figure yourself out. Would you go back and do it the same? Did regret make you wanna change? Misunderstood … under appreciated … but did you know I love this hard because of you and I’ve been learnin’ it’s a journey, as I’m walkin’ in your shoes. I’ll pass along all of your lessons. Took some time, but I got your message. If you ever wonder why I’m bulletproof … it’s all because of you.
Oh, I wish that I could say I was the picture perfect sister when you needed me. And we might see it differently, but now we’re old enough to know that we both made mistakes. I’d go back and do it the same. Guess I’m good at takin’ the blame. Misunderstood … under appreciated … but did you know I love this hard because of you and I’ve been learnin’ it’s a journey as I’m walkin’ in your shoes. I’ll pass along all of your lessons. Took some time but I got your message. If you ever wonder why I’m bulletproof, it’s all because of you. Pray God you’ll one day realize that my goal in this life was only to protect and bulletproof you both in a world that can be so cruel.
Twenty-seven years ago today, this most powerful movie of so many of our lifetimes was released by Castlerock Entertainment. Meanwhile, I once heard it said that people start to heal the moment they feel heard. While I do tend to agree, I also very much believe that people start to heal the moment they are “seen and acknowledged” without having truly been “heard” because their pain and suffering are buried so deeply beneath the fortress they’ve built around their own heart that they can’t even say the words that need to be “heard” to begin their healing.
Take this scene, for example, which for the record, still brings me to tears every time:
Will walks in on a heated argument between Sean and Lambeau over Will’s potential. Lambeau leaves, and Sean and Will talk and it comes to light that they were both victims of child abuse. Sean helps him see that he is a victim of his own inner demons and to accept that it is not his fault, causing him to break down in tears in Sean’s arms. Will accepts one of the job offers arranged by Lambeau. Having helped Will manage his problems, Sean reconciles with Lambeau, deciding to take a sabbatical.
And so, with that, this is me saying to anyone reading this right now who desperately needs to hear this:
No, it WASN’T your fault!
Until the day comes when you finally allow yourself to believe it, I’ll pray you find the courage to step outside your fortress walls and rise above the demons that are holding you hostage inside your own heart.
Just a friendly reminder that not everything “sparkly, shiny, charming, and beautiful” is a gift sent straight from Heaven. Sometimes those things are lessons and tests sent straight from HELL, and yes, some of us really miss the messages and fail the tests. Hi everyone! It’s me, CAT! Been there! Done that!
These days, I’m mostly only interested in the not so shiny, sparkly, shiny, charming and beautiful things this epic life has to offer me. I’m more of a trash to treasure girl, myself! Although, I must say I do love my diamonds. (Hey, a diamond has never hurt anyone, now, has it?) But I’ve digressed …
Remember …
Jesus strolled in slowly on a dirty, stinky donkey, He didn’t screech up on white horse or in a Lambo. Although, I do so love a super car! Wait! WHAT? But I’ve digressed AGAIN!
My point is this:
Be careful who amongst the sparkly, shiny, “angelic” people you let into your halo, ’cause “THEY WALK AMONG US“!
Just thought I’d share! Bye everyone, it’s me, “sometimes sparkly, sometimes shiny, but mostly kind of a trash can bandit with a halfway decent heart and soul” CAT!
… meanwhile, I make no apologies for protecting my space, my peace, and my mental health at all costs—not the least of which was a growing friendship with a very sweet and probably well-intentioned stranger. While I don’t believe she was intentionally disregarding my previously expressed desire for her to please just give me some time to go back and listen to her OVER 100 voice messages in my DMs, to no avail, the answer finally had to be NO! Just NO! A friend of mine actually posted these spot-on, poignant words about “all of this”:
A problem rarely recognizes it’s the problem, and yet there we are stressing ourselves to the point of anxiety and sickness over it.
I mean, honestly, people? Could there be any truer truth? The amount of wisdom packed so tightly into that most impeccable grouping of words is astonishing!
In the meantime, if any of you are out there “well intendly and unawaredly” bombarding your friends and loved ones with message after message after message … STOP! When you do that, you are, indeed, entering them into a “social contract” of your design and benefit that they may not necessarily want to be made party to—or have the time, energy, or desire to look for an exit clause on. Just thought I’d share.
Oh, and on a side note … WHO is the epic celebrity influencer I had the pleasure of unexpectedly meeting today? Well, although I’m going to respect his request that I not post the awesome pictures I got to take with him, CLICK HERE to see! For the record, this man is one of my very few “Lucky Charm” people who I’d most love to sit down and eat a bowl of cereal with. Meeting him was, like, a hundred times infinity better than meeting even the most Lucky Charmiest of all people I’ve EVER had the pleasure to meet! Just thought I’d share! Bye everyone, it’s me, CAT!
Hey! All you moms of sons! I don’t know who amongst you needs to hear this right now, but these boys don’t “belong” to us forever:
That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh.
(Genesis 2:24)
The wisest of us know that if we’ve done our job right, we should be happy to not just let GO of the reins, but hand them right over then step aside for the new queen of the castle! Don’t be a thorn in the new queen’s side … HELP HER GROW A GARDEN (but only if, when, and HOW she asks)!
I once heard it said that,
A daughter is her mother’s entire heart existing outside her body. She is her strength and her dreams and a better human than she could have ever imagined. She is her light, her baby, her world.
(Unknown)
But what about a daughter-in-LAW? She is his mother’s entire HEART existing outside her body. She is his strength and his dreams and a better human than either he or his mother could have ever imagined for him. She is his light, his baby now, and his world (as it should be)! Now that I think of it, this same rule can apply to all you DADS out there, too. I of all people know exactly what it feels like when a father or even grandfather can’t cut the cord. Anyhoo …
Of course, we can only hope that our adult children will grow up to love, honor, respect, and include us in their lives, BUT, knowing where “we” end and “they” begin is the key! That movie “Monster-In-Law” was really cute and all, but, umm, what did we learn there, folks? We learned that if we don’t respect the loves of their lives’ rightful places in the kingdom, WE’RE GONNA GET OURSELVES BANISHED FROM IT! Screw that!
On January 31, 2013, I wrote these words on my Facebook page:
If you could carry a cross or a burden SO heavy at times that you thought it would actually kill you, would you do it if you knew that when you finally made it home where you could safely lay it down, you’d be thanking GOD on your hands and knees that He ever gave it to you in the first place, because now YOU can help someone else carry theirs?I say yes, laden me, God. If it was good enough for your Son, it’s good enough for me. Thank You for allowing me to be shattered and broken into so many tiny pieces, because now I am AWARE and PREPARED! I love You.
Eleven years later—but hey, who’s counting?—I wrote these words here in The Diary:
If only that “me” from eleven years ago—the one most likely sitting at the desktop in the tiny little “desk closet” of our one-bedroom PALACE—could see me now. She’d be SO fucking proud of how far we’ve OVERcomethe burdens we’ve gotten to bear, and of how we now run headfirst into the storms instead of running from them—or pretending they don’t exist.
Hey, God? Thank You. No, really … THANK YOU.
And hey, to my babies? This lightning is going to strike through those hearts of yours again, because the rain isn’t going to stop, and you’ll feel every drop as it keeps dancing on your heads. But you’ve got to hold on. You’ve got to be strong. I’ll be right here with you if it all goes wrong—keeping you from harm, holding you in my arms, steering you away from the storm. When the Sun won’t come around and your world keeps washing out, I won’t let this love fall down. I’ll carry you. So let’s run toward the waiting lights, because I know there are better skies ahead. The sands will keep falling through the hourglass, your floods will pass, and we’ll still be standing—hand in hand. Love, Mom. (“I’ll Carry Them”)
Feels like I’m standing on the edge of the platform now. Maybe somehow I’ll fall. Walking for miles, inside I know it’s true … this soul has holes like you do. And I watch the train get closer into the station. And I backed up just to get a running start to send me on a permanent vacation … a new destination. Sometimes the only way to save me is by making space for someone else. When I feel the world surround me, can I be the strength for someone else? Hey mister tell me can you hear me, ’cause I’m down and out … maybe just lost and found. And it’s crazy what I’m saying but I’m praying and I don’t know you but maybe you could just hear me out. And I watched the train get closer into the station. And I walked up to the doors and watched them part. And I met this man without a hesitation … a new destination … (Tommy Vext)
Although this entry is being published today, I actually wrote it one year agotoday after having seen these most beautiful words of a friend of mine in tribute to both candy corn and her mother:
People hate on candy corn. It seems like I’m one of few who likes it… besides my mom and Josilyn. Candy corn is also something | hold near to my heart, and I’ll tell you why. Josilyn was 2 months shy of her second birthday when her MeMe, my mom, passed away. When Josilyn was about 6 months old my mom gave her a taste of candy corn. It became their thing. My mom kept candy corn year round and they’d eat it all the time. When my mom passed I was trying to think of something special to have at her memorial from Josilyn. I was frustrated because nothing was special enough, and I was running out of time. The day before the service I’d been running around crazy and when I got home I was just done. Then I saw Josilyn, she was sitting at the table with my niece, putting pieces of candy corn in a vase we’d been using to make arrangements with. That was it. I took her to the garden and she picked some daffodils. We put them in the vase and she filled it with the candy corn. Then we added a butterfly. She couldn’t write but I let her scribble on the card, which is signed from her “pretty girl”, cause that’s what mom called her. I still have it, five and a half years later. So anyway, you’ll never find me hating on candy corn. Plus I actually like eating it lol
… meanwhile, while combing the internet for the perfect picture of candy corn for this post today, I stumbled upon the coolest article ever about the history of candy corn:
Candy corn might be the most controversial Halloween candy. In our experience, people either love it or hate it—and we’re firmly in the “love it” category. We’re not the only ones eating candy corn by the handful: The National Retail Federation estimated that in 2019, 95% of holiday shoppers stocked up on the tri-color treat. Not to mention, it’s consistently the most popular Halloween candy in multiple states.
It’s not what we do with all the bittersweet, beautiful, and tragic bits and pieces of our life that defines either us or the “success” of how they land with the people who are listening to us. It’s what others do with our stories and how they’re inspired to find a way to see all the Light lurking beneath the darkness and the beauty in things that might otherwise be considered “gross” … like CANDY CORN!
For the record, I love you, Christy Gail, and am so thankful for you and how your halo crossed paths with mine! If someone would have told me back in 2020 that the crazy little Fucker we both love about as much as I despise candy corn would be the catalyst that “bits and pieced” us together, I’d have laughed! But hey, what do I know, right? Enjoy your candle, by the way, and just “pretend” it’s nestled snuggly in the masterpiece of a handmade candy corn bowl you were supposed to be getting in the mail this week when you light it and think of your beautiful momma! As for me? I’ll be spending this “day of the candy corn” which is also my sixth anniversary without Zack being ever so powerfully graceful and GRATEFUL for the grief of losing him … because … it means I “got” to ever love him in the first place.
Grieving you and the story we didn’t get to finish the way we’d always planned totally sucks, by the way, but it’s also been a privilege and an honor. It means that I “got” to ever love you in the first place, and only God knows what would or would NOT have become of me had it not been for our season together. Alas, it was written in the stars that this is how it was always meant to be. What a twisted, bittersweet, ironical anomaly we were.
This hidden thing that you don’t see? They call them skeletons, but don’t be scared of them. ‘Cause you’re still you, and I’m still me. It’s all irrelevant. We ALL got skeletons!
If there’s one thing you should know about me, it’s this: I refuse to keep my skeletons locked away. You want to meet them? Fine by me. I’ll open the crypt, make the introductions, and probably hand you a flashlight. I have almost nothing left to hide, and the very few “secrets” I still keep are not there to protect me—they exist to protect people I love.
Yes, I’m flawed. I’ve made mistakes. I’ve said things I shouldn’t have. I’ve disappointed people. I’ve behaved like an actual nut bag when my raw emotions got the better of me. You are not going to find perfection here—not even close—and I have plenty in my history that I’m not proud of. Do my anger and fleeting thoughts of retaliation toward people who have hurt me or mine scare me sometimes? Absolutely. That is part of why I laugh as much as I do. Humor keeps me humble. It keeps me regulated. It reminds me that darkness only becomes dangerous when I stop looking at it honestly. What I am proud of is the person I became after I stopped hiding from that darkness. I owned it. I accounted for it. And eventually, I made peace with it. Which reminds me of something I once read:
If you could go back and fix all your mistakes, you’d completely erase yourself.
That was all I needed to hear, because guess what? I freaking love myself—backward-ass wretchedness, failures, blunders, skeletons and all. I would never trade away the scars that helped build the person standing here now. Far be it from me to rob the unsuspecting world of the privilege of getting to deal with me exactly as I am. Bye everyone, it’s me, CAT—and all my little demons. Happy Halloween.
Honey, I just wanted to say thank you! This last 14 days have opened my eyes and I have so much more appreciation for all the things you do to make all our lives happen yet make it look effortless. Now I understand who you are as a woman even more than I already thought I did. I honestly didn’t get it until now. I love you, Catherine Williamson. Thank you for being my wife!
… then you fall back in love with him all over again and can’t even believe just how much you’ve been needing to have exact validation for going on 22 years. No, Zachariah … I love YOU … and I thank God for you “every day”!
On this day, 34 years ago, another Italian girl released a not-so-lovey love song to her father:
Oh, Father, you never wanted to live that way. You never wanted to hurt me. Why am I running away? Maybe someday when I look back I’ll be able to say you didn’t mean to be cruel. Somebody hurt you, too. You can’t hurt me now. I got away from you. I never thought I would. You can’t make me cry. You once had the power. I never felt so good about myself.
No. No, he didn’t deserve to go through the epic levels of BULLSHIT he went through at his “mother’s” hands. But then again, NEITHER DID I! Why, then, was I made to pay for HER sins? Why, then, were we ALL?
I guess I never really needed all that self-loathing, guilt, and shame to bring me to my knees. Nor did I need all that food I used to chain-swallow then release back into oblivion to become the knife I used to pierce my own heart and cut myself open from the inside out as I sunk into the darkness where the light that should have been my “father’s” unconditional love for me was supposed to go.
Yes, I vividly remember all those nights I prayed on my hands and knees and begged GOD to help him stop being so FUCKING angry, because maybe if he had been happy, everything would have been okay. He was anger … and sadness … and toxicity … and terror. He chose to live in a darkness that swallowed us all alive.
Mind you, this is a “man” who once took a 9mm out and whizzed bullets right past my mother’s face into the wall behind her.
This is a “man” who once prayed that his future granddaughter-in-law “thing” fell off the cruise ship we were on and drowned.
This is a “man” who recently sent his own daughter, me, a warning to “watch my back” for all the rest of the days of my life because he’s mad that I’m SICKENED over his abusive, neglectful treatment of my mother and son and even grosser abuse of MY future daughter-in-law, who he’s literally jealous of because she rightfully has the new first-place spot in my son’s life and not him.
He CHOOSES to live in a darkness that swallowed us all alive and still does.
I’ve said it before and will say it again …
When there’s NOTHING but dead bodies left lying at your feet, you’re the last one standing and yet you STILL can’t figure out who the common denominator of destruction in your life is, then that’s a YOU problem!
Now, I can only pray that somehow he’ll see the Light before he heads to the other side so that I can have a reason to cry at his funeral and not make a mockery of it in front of the very few people in this world who bought into his bullshit and charm and have any real feelings for him.
By the way, “father”, I know for a fact that you’ll see this today, so hear this:
I’m NOT sorry that I’m NOT sorry that YOU will die all alone one day!
Wow, Cat! Gia is such an amazing young woman! She’s wise beyond her years and so mature! You must be so proud!
Gulp. If only you knew how many times I’ve heard those words—or the depth of the sucker punch to my soul I feel every time I hear them. Yes, she’s wise beyond her years. Yes, she’s more mature than some of the most mature adults I’ve ever known, up to and including me. You see, having a child who, through no fault of their own, had to walk through the fallout of the “childhood” you shattered and thus “mature” much sooner than their peers isn’t exactly something to be proud of.
It goes like this …
Sometimes they’re too quiet or, God forbid, totally silent. This is because they’re often lost deep inside their own mind trying to navigate the wreckage you drove their little tricycle through. And they won’t tell you, because even though you might “understand”, in keeping with the empty toolbox they lug around that you half-assedly loaded, they had to just figure things out on their own while you were busy fucking things up for them. This is also why they try to solve problems on their own and refuse to ask for help from anyone, much less you, which subsequently wears them out to the point of constant fatigue, to which end they can’t even imagine what’s happening inside their own body or why they can’t seem to get their mangled wings to fly.
Mentally.
Physically.
Emotionally.
NEUROLOGICALLY!
They’re forced to live within a burgeoning insanity while simultaneously being over-demanding and hypercritical of themselves and trying to repair all the wiring in their psyche that you stripped bare. This, of course, can cause them to distance themselves from people, which tends to make them feel empty, alone, and wholly unable to ever really let their guard down, but they usually won’t tell you how they’re feeling. They’ll just show you and the unsuspecting world what they’re either feeling or not feeling by remaining quiet, stoic, “wise beyond their years”, and “mature”. Meanwhile, they’ve become so familiar with all the chaos, turmoil, and accompanying anxiety served to them by the people who were supposed to be protecting them that the truly foreign concept of feeling calm and relaxed seems unsafe. None of this, by the way, is because they’re too weak to handle things. It’s the result of continually experiencing things their young minds were never meant to be prepared for, and sometimes even having to “parent” YOU! Oh, and by the way, as I went back to proofread what I just wrote, it just hit me like a ton of fucking bricks that I am literally describing “it goes like this” from my own firsthand experience of being a child living in “this picture”. But I’ve digressed, as usual …
So, then, now you’re asking yourself, “What does any of this have to do with an ‘irrepressible shirt’ or this song?” Well …
Music has the ability to evoke a wide range of emotions in listeners, from joy and excitement to sadness and contemplation. However, some of the most powerful and impactful songs are those that come from a place of vulnerability and emotional honesty. These are the songs that cut deep and resonate with us on a personal level, sometimes even bringing us to tears. One song that stands out as a shining example of emotional honesty is In This Shirt by The Irrepressibles. The lyrics of ‘In This Shirt’ convey a deep sense of longing and heartache, exploring the complexity of love and loss in a way that is both raw and beautiful. Lines such as “In this shirt, I can be you / To be near you for a while” speak to the feeling of isolation and despair that can come with heartbreak. One of the most powerful aspects of the song’s lyrics is their ability to paint a vivid picture of the emotions and experiences that inspired them, while still leaving room for interpretation and personal connection. Jamie Irrepressible has stated that he drew on his own experiences of heartbreak and loss to write the song and, by doing so, he create something that speaks directly to listeners’ emotions. The themes of vulnerability and emotional honesty are central to the song, and they are reflected in the music itself. The soaring, operatic vocals, combined with the lush orchestration and delicate piano lines, create a sense of intimacy and emotional intensity that is almost overwhelming. It’s a song that demands to be heard, and that invites listeners to explore their own feelings of vulnerability and emotional rawness.
Did you catch that? “Music has the ability to evoke a wide range of emotions in listeners“. That’s what I’ve been screaming for years! Musicians are the wizards God sends here to help ZAP “us” out of “us”. For me, this particular musician is a killer and I cannot listen to this song without sobbing for my kids’ lost childhoods. As soon as it begins, I literally imagine myself slipping on the worn and tattered shirt that’s a metaphorical remnant of what was supposed to be the happiest days of their lives, then sitting atop a faded rainbow and grieving for them. Yes, my childhood was shattered, too, but, oh, how different things could have been for all of us had they not been forced to walk across my broken pieces.
So, with that, I’ll close with this …
I once read a quote that said, “Never let your storm get your kids wet”. Well, this is me after finally forcing myself to SIT in the storm I rained upon the two people in the world I was charged to protect the most in a shirt dripping with tears of guilt and shame. Yes, I’ve forgiven myself for my many failures as a mother. Yes, I believe they’ve forgiven me, too. Nevertheless, if there’s just one song that’s meant to be a poignant reminder of what we’ve all been through together, then so be it. I pray to God that my babies’ babies won’t, too, be sitting atop a faded rainbow of their own one day in my irrepressible shirt—and that this season of change holds steady.
TO MY BABIES:
Once you’ve finally had the time and space to read through this “feeling kinda sorry for myself” soliloquy, know that it’s from a place so deep within my heart that even with all my seemingly endless words, I really have no words. Although for some reason you both seem to have forgiven all of us for totally obliterating your “childhoods” and forcing you to choke on an endless stream of “sugary piss water“, that doesn’t mean I don’t still carry that guilt and shame with me like a cross. It’s okay … I earned this cross and maybe I was meant to have to carry it to remind myself of not only where I came from, but mostly where I want you to go. Please break this cycle for my grandbabies. I love you both and I’m sorry.
Vedder has been known to change the lyrics of the song when singing it live, so it is difficult to know if what he is singing at the time are the original lyrics from 1991. In the liner notes for Lost Dogs, McCready said: A riff loosely based on something I’d heard during the Ten sessions. I thought it was pretty. Eddie started making up words on the spot and we kept them. I still don’t know what it’s about and I don’t want to! I love it. Fans like it too!”
So, wait! Lemme get this straight! What we’ve just realized is that one of the greatest artists and musical geniuses of all times has been historically “making shit up as he goes”?
EXACTLY!
Hi everyone! It’s me, The Real Catherine LEDBETTER Williamson. I, too, am a creative GENIUS who’s just making up this SHIT SHOW of a masterpiece existence of mine with my eyes wired shut as I go! Guess what?
… but wait! There’s more! Let’s make that six things and go and add narcissists to the list! Ah, don’t worry! Pretty sure those things aren’t even human, sooo …
For the record, HAPPY INDIGENOUS PEOPLE’S DAY! That means ME, you know? Why do you think that I’m highly advising you to just smudge some of that toxic stuff right out of your life and start GOING PLACES? “Las brujas de Zacatecas“! (Witches from Zacatecas!) It’s in my blood!
Thank you Sick Puppies for helping me find the perfect song to play on repeat in my head as I’m riding to that proverbial bridge at dawn to telling “the boss”, i.e., “the powers that USED to be” to go on and SUCK IT as they’re swimming in the lake BELOW me!
Holding your breath. Holding your tongue. You’re only holding yourself back. So much to say. So far to run out from the shadows you have cast. Closing the door. Closing your eyes. You’re only closing yourself off. So much to see. So much to try. Don’t be afraid of what you want. Oh, the best days of your life have yet to come. It’s okay. It’s alright to open up. You don’t owe anybody anything! Life is yours to live anyway you please.
NO APOLOGIES!
No promise left for you to keep. You can be whoever you want to be.
NO APOLOGIES!
Don’t want to be no one else! What you see is what you get! No one to please!
NO APOLOGIES!
This most epically beautiful Trapt song was released on this day in 2010, during a time in my life when I was still desperately searching for my missing words, the voice to speak them, and the courage to SCREAM them to all the people, places, and things I’d once allowed to keep me chained to the ground and flightless—not the least of those “people” being me, myself, and ME!
The first time I heard it, it all but seared itself onto my heart and became one of my mantras. I’ve listened to it faithfully ever since—sometimes almost daily—as a reminder to NEVER slip back into the colorless shadows I worked so hard to step out of. If you’ve never heard it before and are searching for the perfect song to serenade yourself with when you need to be reminded of who you are, where you came from, and where you’re headed, may I suggest adding it to your playlist? In the meantime, please just keep the faith and keep heading toward The Light. YOU GOT THIS!
A very special young man, Paul Tran, who I met through my son’s gun-building community and now consider a friend, wrote what I consider to be one the most remarkable posts I’ve ever seen on social media about “being his own soldier“. Although he wrote it some months ago and I immediately knew I’d be blogging it, I wanted the perfect “day” for its debut. Well, that day is today, in honor of his beloved homeland’s 70th Anniversary of “Hanoi Liberation Day“. He wrote:
“YOUR OWN SOLDIER!”
You don’t need a military ID to prove that you are a soldier. You can prove it on the battlefield. I’m my own soldier. Over the years in my life, I always try to find my answer and what l’m worth fighting for. I finally got my answer. I fight and defend for my friends, family, and loved ones. That is what I am fighting for. Being a soldier is strength, courage, intelligence, and hope. I’m soldier of Vietnam, the Great Southern Gun & Knife Show, and the gun community of the United States and Canada. I don’t care about getting medals or being a hero. I only care about inspiring others to believe in themselves and be your own soldier. Fight what you believe in what is right for you. Choose your own fight, battle, and war. Fight and defend your friends, family, and loved ones. If your friends, family, and loved ones are human or not. I always love, care, and protect them. Fight for the people you love in your life. I will show the enemy. I’m not afraid of the enemy because I won’t back down without a fight. I will raise my guns on the battlefield. I will fight like hell, Army or not. I will keep on fighting until the end! It doesn’t matter if the enemy is from our world or another world.
I’m a soldier!
I fight what I believe is right and fight for peace and freedom.I will be the last soldier standing on the battlefield. My heart and spirit will carry on the strength and courage inside of me as a soldier.
Keep on fighting until the war is won!
(by Commander Paul Tran)
For the record, I have never come across a person who is so vehemently and unapologetically proud of his homeland and nationality, which in and of itself is remarkable. Commander Tran, my friend? I SEE YOU! You got this, young man! SOLDIER ON!
It’s called perspective, folks, and without it you’re deaf, dumb, and blind! For the record, there are literally not enough words in my vocabulary to express the amount of pride I feel that I get to call “THE GENERAL” my cousin! Marcus Aurelius is one of his heroes? Lol! The real irony here is that my cousin is one of mine! This is saying a lot, by the way, since I famously—or is it infamously?—have very few.
When they ask me who’s the luckiest, I will tell them it’s the mothers, for the mother has a capacity to love far greater than the others. If she has a son, it will be the last man she ever falls for with her soul, and if she has a daughter, she’ll give her everything she ever needed for her own console. They go through so much trying to raise us and they push us forward when we cry, and they cry more, but in secret, while they praise us once their face is dry. The love they have for us is unbreakable, even thought sometimes we break them. We claim they overstep the walls of our boundaries even though we overstretch the walls of their womb to give us life. And so she pretends to not be hurt, to be respectful of what we think we need, and gives us the room to grow, but the mother is the luckiest, and she says, “One day they will know”.
How little did I know that when I met you, you were already at war with yourself and the demons that were swimming in the waters beneath your soul. You’d hidden all your scars so well that at first I honestly didn’t see it. Eventually, there I stood with you … side by side on the front lines against a Molotov cocktail of monsters we never saw coming, but also very much did. While I suppose I could say that my kids and I became the collateral damage of your internalized emotional warfare, I cannot. We were casualties of something far worse: “Her“.
I am the way, and the truth, and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me.
{John 14:6}
PICTURE IT:
Me, kneeling at the “panic chair” in front of my bed EVERY night, making the sign of the cross: “In the name of The Father, The Son, and The Holy Spirit,” and praying like a six-year-old. Yup. That’s me! Then, in the morning, I wake up, my feet hit the ground, the devil shits his pants, everything gets handled, and in true “God’s Favorite Daughter” style, I … am … ALWAYS … winning (even when I’m losing)!
This entry doesn’t really need much explanation, except that to say that indeed, I have accomplished my task, ’cause as you may or may not know by now, I love the ever loving SHIT out of myself! Why is that you ask? Because every single time I look at my reflection in a mirror, it’s not me I see … IT’S HIM:
No, I take that back. What I really meant to say is YOU AND GOD! Not you and someone else. Not you and somewhere else. Not you and strangers, fame, fortune, stuff, drugs, alcohol, food, or lust. Just you, yourself, and that EPIC fucking reflection in the mirror that you’ve been refusing to make peace with and fall in love with the way God fell in love with you two billion infinite eons before you were even born. He never meant for us to seek the pleasures of this world … that’s the trick the devil did. God wants to be the One to bring you happiness and peace, because if anyone besides us knows how the world keeps disappointing us, it’s Him! He wants us to turn to Him, then right back to ourselves, so we don’t hurt ourselves or anyone else for sport.
