Empaths go through two transformations: naïve innocence and awakened strength. At first, they love without limits, driven by the need to please and the fear of abandonment- making them easy targets for narcissists and manipulators. This cycle continues until a breaking point, where deep betrayal or emotional abuse shatters them entirely. But destruction leads to transformation. They rebuild with boundaries, self-respect, and emotional intelligence. No longer naive, they become empowered empaths-kind, but intentional. Compassionate, but no longer exploitable. They don’t lose their empathy-they learn how to wield it.
(Author Unknown)
Hey! You! EMPATH! It’s “World Empathy Day” once again, so, don’t you even worry about those chaos filled bullshit busses today! Just get in your even BETTER bus, turn that bitch around so your squared up grill to grill with those people, places, and things that come to drain your tank, then honk your horn back at them as loud as you possibly can! In the meantime, be sure to be continually healing yourself:
👉🏼 Just … Say … NO!
Keep on learning and learning and learning this! Saying NO is Rule No. 1 for an empath! Beware of all that people-pleasing, ’cause you WILL be taken advantage of, so: “Umm, NO thanks!” with ZERO guilt should be your holy grail!
Being able to identify and validate your OWN needs is crucial for your continual rebooting! How do YOU feel? What do YOU think? What are YOUR limitations and deal breakers? KNOW and PROTECT THEM! You CANNOT fill anyone else’s cup if yours is fuckin’ EMPTY!
👉🏼 DISENGAGE and DISCONNECT!
Power down and recharge your grid when the world at large has tapped you out! Is it selfish to shut everyone out? YUP! You BETCHA! It’s selfish, selfish, SELFish (and allowed)!
Okay, kids! So, what have we learned today? Being an empath is one of THE greatest blessings AND curses! “To whom much is given?” Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah! Now, who’s gonna GIVE back to YOU? TAG! Sometimes YOU’RE gonna have to be IT, my empath friend! So, grab those bus keys and DRIVE it! Or, take a nap in it. Just take care of YOU today!
“So, Cat, what’s your favorite love story of all times? Is it ‘Noah and Allie’? ‘Rhett and Scarlett’? ‘Jack and Rose’? ‘Rick and Ilsa’? ‘Yuri and Lara'”?
Well, I’ll tell you! Perhaps when some normalpeople are asked about their favorite love stories of all times, their answers might pull from the ranks and pages of some of the greatest historical literary or cinematic romances of all times, fictional as they may be, and sound a little something like this: “Noah and Allie“, “Rhett and Scarlett“, “Jack and Rose“, “Rick and Ilsa“, or “Yuri and Lara“.
Nope! Not me! For me, it’s “James and Margaret“! THEY are one of my favorite “power couples” of all times and proof positive that unconditional love between two truly connected souls is REAL! And THIS despite the fact that I’ve been blessed with a few true yet bittersweet “great love stories” of my own. Meanwhile, I couldn’t be any more thankful to “The Daily James” for bringing them into my atmosphere if I tried, especially in that these two crazy kids have been such a source of inspiration and joy for me in my “alone, but not lonely” widowhood this last few years.
Meanwhile, and as is par for the course with this Diary, it didn’t take me long to think of the perfect song to pair with this entry, albeit a 34-year-old blast from my hair-sprayed metal past! With that, let me just drop this ‘lil love note to The One whose taught me the most about truly unconditional love over the course of our lifetime together:
When I look back on everything I’ve done, I know You must have cried a river of tears. But You were there when I was feeling low, to walk me through my darkest fears. So, when The Sun goes down and those nights grow colder, I know You’ll be there looking over my shoulder!
… and now a ‘lil love note to the four little birdies I love the most in this world whose “relationship goals” I often pray about on my literal hands and knees:
There may be times you’ll almost let each other go because you’ll think you need to just break free. But stay right thereand whisper to each other, “Why don’t you share your dreams with me?” When The Sun goes down and those nights are growing colder, please always just keep looking over each other’s shoulders! ‘Cause the deeper the love … the stronger the emotion! And the stronger the love … the deeper the devotion! In other words? BE LIKE JAMES AND MARGARET!
~ MOMMA!
[NOTE: Even my son is now fascinated with “love birds”! Ironically, he’d sent me this video of the power couple HE’S been following just minutes before I hopped onto Insta and saw the post about James & Margaret! So freaking cool!]
… and BY the way, if you don’t think I didn’t just screenshot this pic and order a print so I can frame it and keep it in my home, you’re about as delulu as I prolly am for doing it!
While I’m not sure exactly why it’s so hard to let go of the anger after narcissistic abuse, much less abuse of ANY kind, what I do know is that speaking from personal experience, I ALLOWED the “THING” that temporarily made me ITS little bitch to anger me longer than IT deserved to!As I’ve worked through, grown, and thrived in the wake of the years of not just my lifelong HOOVERING narcissist’s damage report, but the damage inflicted upon me by my malignant narcissist “father“, it’s the stoic mindsets and principles that I’ve drawn strength from and adhered to the most. As such … NO MORE! No one gets to take up space in my head in ANY regard unless I fucking say so!
As for “Hoovery MacHooverson”, the “two grapes and a ‘lil cocktail pickle BOY dick in between ‘em”that’s been slithering after me like a Jean-Claude Van DAMN actual vacuum cleaner for going on 30 years now, my disdain for it avails itself in my head as comic relief at this point, NOT anger. Although it wasn’t ever really “my master”, because I was just to weak, vulnerable, and uneducated at the time to realize that the power it once had over me was all MY doing, not its, because NO ONE can pull your reins unless you ALLOW them to do so, I gave it the power to believe it was “my master” long e-fucking-NOUGH!
I’m not gonna lie, folks, but if and when the day ever comes that I get news that it has finally kicked it and slithered on back to hell with its own kind, I’m going to laugh my FUCKING ass off. That’s awful, right? Yah, don’t worry. I’ll take my medicine for that flagrant disregard for “life apparent” when I meet my Maker. That being said, I’m just thinking there WILL be grace for not giving two FUCKS whether the spawned that walks among us lives, dies, or chokes on its own fucking vacuum cleaner dust.
Meanwhile … to any of you in narc abuse recovery right now, I say this:
WAKE UP AND TAKE BACK YOUR POWER! Haven’t those THINGS that tried to devour your soul had enough of you already? You deserve to RESERVE your “anger and retribution” for actual PEOPLE who matter enough in this world to own real estate in your heart. SPAWNED CREATURES FROM HELL DO NOT! You are SO much better than that! Rise above your anger for them and spend it on someONE whose lifeblood actually adds value to humanity … not THINGS that only subtract from it.Just sayin’!
By the way, here’s an EPIC song about breaking the chains that once held you captive and taking back your power. Hopefully Quora won’t delete it, because trust me when I tell ALL of you “angry narc victims” out there … it needs to be your fight song during recovery! BE PISSED … THEN LET IT GO!
Perhaps amongst the heaviest burdens in my life is the one that as an empath I feel compelled, if not psychologically hardwired to bear when it comes to all but SCREAMING to others I see carrying all the heavy stuff that they refuse to just PUT DOWN!
You can say it all fades away in time, but this grave is a ladder that I must climb! Since the day that you left, I can’t seem to move on. All the weight that I felt, will I sink ’til I’m gone? THE ANCHOR!
Look, I don’t know who needs to hear this right now, but truth being told, although the lifelong effects of grief in every form do tend to fade away in time … be it grief for the dead, the living, or all the tangible things a person can lose … just six feet beneath every grave is the first rung of a ladder that you must climb up before you can move on – BUT – you’ll never make it up that ladder and out of the endless amounts of burial plots we humans dig for ourselves unless and until you CHOOSE to let go of the chain that keeps you anchored to that unhallowed ground below.
Remember …
No weight of any kind can just jump into your hands, wrap itself around your neck, or straddle itself across your back. YOU have to agree to either pick it up or allow yourself to be burdened with it. Do you understand this? It is CRUCIAL to your human survival, mental wealth, and growth that you understand this!Make the choice to drop that anchor and unburden yourself!
I have long believed that the truth of just about anything can be found in all the questions you aren’t allowed to ask. A more sobering truth, however, is that often the person who is refusing to allow “the questions” we so desperately need the answers from is the one we face in the mirror. With that being said, I cannot encourage anyone who’s searching for the reasons they’re sinking to the abyss strongly enough to do that most important work of all, which is to sit with yourself in solitude and have what just may be the most important conversation of your life.
Who, what, when and where do I need to let go of so that I can finally learn to breathe again?
(ps)
IF I CAN DO IT, YOU CAN DO IT! Trust me when I say I’ve have had my share of “heavy shit” to carry in my head, heart, and soul, but it wasn’t until I DECIDED to do the work, ask myself “the questions”, then drop all the weight that I finally started living freely and became my OWN “master“. No one else could have done it for me … not even God Himself! It’s called free will for a reason, people, and one will only ever be “anchor free” when they CHOOSE TO BE! Just sayin’.
Twenty five years ago today, Matchbox Twenty gave birth to this song via its Mad Season album release. Although I’ve always been a fan of both the band and this song, how little did I know back then that it become a permanent part of my playlist for an entire quarter of a century! If you’ve never heard of either the band or the song, I cannot recommend looking them both up highly enough. Meanwhile, the words have taken on an such a twisted and rebirthed life of their own in the years since I first heard them. Back then, I really did feel “hopeless, lost, stupid, broken, and undone“. [SEE ALSO: The the words in bold below:]
I feel stupid, but I know it won’t last for long. And I’ve been guessing, and I could have been guessing wrong. You don’t know me now. I kinda thought that you should somehow. Does that whole mad season gotcha down? And I feel stupid, but it’s something that comes and goes. And I’ve been changing. I think it’s funny how no one noticed. We don’t talk about the little things that we do without when that whole mad season comes around. So, why ya gotta stand there looking like the answer now? It seems to me you’ll come around! I need you now. Do you think you can cope? You figured me out … that I’m lost and I’m hopeless. I’m bleeding and broken, though I’ve never spoken. I’ve come undone in this mad season. I feel stupid, but I think I’ve been catching on. I feel ugly, but I know I still turn you on. You’ve grown colder now … torn apart, angry, turned around. What? That whole mad season knock you down? So, are you gonna stand there or are you gonna help me out? We need to be together now! I need you now. Do you think you can cope? You figured me out … that I’m lost and I’m hopeless. I’m bleeding and broken, though I’ve never spoken. I’ve come undone in this mad season. And now I’m crying, isn’t that what you want? And I’m trying to live my life on my own, but I won’t, no! At times I do believe I am strong. So, someone tell me why, why, why do I, I, I feel stupid … and I’ve come undone? Well, I come undone!
These days? The words to this song are amongst my top “songs of myself” mantras! I mean, don’t get me wrong … even as impossibly strong and “put together” (it sometimes only seems) that I’ve become, there are still many a days I wake up feeling stupid, but never “hopeless and undone”! As a matter of fact, dare I say that in true Matchbox Twenty style, happily staying “BENT” is a preferred and celebrated way of life for me! Carl Jung believed that true understanding of the sacred comes not from sanity, but from experiencing the depths of madness. I couldn’t agree more.
Welp! That’s all she wrote! Well, except for this ‘lil last minute nugget: As far as I’m concerned, there is literally nothing more attractive to me than an unabashedly authentic human soul speaking passionately about their passions … win, lose, or draw … with a glimmer of absolute insanity in their eyes!
“But Cat, there’s a pretty good chance that all this crazy ‘God’ stuff isn’t real.”
But let me ask you this: WHAT IF IT IS? Are you really willing to hedge that big of a bet with your soul and have your all your hopes and dreams just end in the heart of a graveyard?
“True freedom is understanding that some things just aren’t meant to be understood, because they’re NOT, and that having blind faith in all the things we can’t know isn’t as scary it seems. Even if we’re wrong about the things we deaf, dumb, and BLINDLY believe, we’re still ‘halfway right’. As far as I’m concerned, ‘halfway right’ is still a 50/50 odd, and I will gladly bet on it.”
As for me? Indeed, I’ve been called “crazy” by far too many people for far too many reasons to list. Lol. At this point, I all but embrace it! Being called “crazy” for not being afraid to die? I’ll wear that little badge with honor!
… ’cause at the end of the day, there is NO “unanswered” prayer. You just have to have to learn how to recognize the answers. I’m so beyond thankful for everyone of mine … win, lose, OR draw … and even more thankful that I was forced … no, wait … that I “got” to learn how to “see” things truly blindly. If that isn’t reason enough for me to believe, then what am I even doing here? Bye everyone … it’s me … CAT!
Please, God, let it be me! Let me be the one to have absorbed the very last drops of poison that bled out and suffocated the rotting roots of our sick and dying tree so that the branches of my children and theirs will reach up and touch the Sun instead of digging back down into hell. I am humbled and honored to have been chosen for such a sacred calling and for getting to know “the secret”.
While on the surface it probably appears as though I’m fixated on helping my kids live their best lives ever … NOPE! They’re helping ME live MINE! It’s what I was made for. It’s what I do. I’m their momma and I’m “ALL IN” with ’em on this ride … win, lose, or draw!
“Naked I came from my mother’s womb, and naked shall I depart. The Lord gave, and the Lord has taken away; blessed be the name of the Lord.”
{JOB 1:21}
… because no matter WHO or WHAT your higher power is (mine is Jesus’s Dad, the Father of The Trinity, God), it never hurts to be in a perpetual state of GRATITUDE for all things big and small, including the really bad stuff. With that in mind, and as some of you may know, today is the “National Day Of Prayer“. So, have you ever heard the story of Job?
Job was a good and righteous man with crazy blind faith in God. Despite the immense, if not unfathomable levels of suffering he’d experienced over the course of his early life, however, not the least of which was losing his children, possessions, and health, he was able to maintain his gratitude for God in the midst of his agony.
Job praised God with his heart, lips, and mere existence, and used his often excruciating pain as a way to strengthen his bond with Him. He unwaveringly believed that God was greater than every one of his struggles, regardless of how painful, and therefore still worthy of praise and glory! Then? GUESS WHAT? God blessed Job with so much more than he had in the first place, up to and including an extra long life and ten more sons and daughters!
Where are the dreams that you once had? This is the time to bring them back! What were the promises caught on the tip of your tongue? Do you forget or forgive? There’s a whole other life waiting to be lived when one day you’re brave enough to talk with conviction of the heart.
And down your streets I’ve walked alone as if my feet were not my own. Such is the path I chose … doors I have opened and closed. I’m tired of living this life … fooling myself … believing we’re right. Have you ever given love with any conviction of your heart?
How long must we all wait to change this world bound in chains that we live in? To know what it is to forgive and be forgiven?
Too many years of taking now. Isn’t it time to stop somehow? Air that’s too angry to breathe … water our children can’t drink. You’ve heard it hundreds of times … you say you’re aware … believe that you care … but do you care enough? Where’s your conviction of the heart?
One with the Earth … with the sky … one with everything in life. I believe we’ll survive, if we only try.
Okay, so I lied. There aren’t just “32 Sketches” in both my closet and in my mind, there are actually quite more than 32. This one is called “Where Torment Looms”, Circa 1990. I vividly remember sitting at the kitchen table of my campus apartment when I sketched it while listening to a good ole fashioned Iron Maiden cassette in a boombox over and over and over! “Can I Play With Madness“, one of my top three favorite songs from their Seventh Son of A Seventh Son album (alongside Infinite Dreams and Moonchild) was born this day 37 years ago, by the way!
Am I Pablo Picasso? Nope. I’m I Salvador Dali? Once again, that would be a NOPE! Does this picture clearly embody the torment looming in the cobwebs of my soul which was par for my course during that season of my life? Umm … THAT would be a yes!
Yet, I sit here gazing at it 33 years later, it’s not just torment I see looming in my just beginning to “beautifully break” mind.
How little did I know that almost three decades later I’d look back and find the crystal ball just glowing like the Sun smack dab in the middle of the madman’s “diary” and how that ‘lil burst of yellow would divinely punctuate my story! If only I’d known that one day I’d look back and find the crystal ball glowing like the Sun hiding in plain sight smack dab in the middle of the madman’s “diary” and how that ‘lil burst of yellow would divinely punctuate my story!
The late, great, possibly insane, and beloved to me Franz Kafka once said:
By believing passionately in something that still does not exist, we create it!
So yes, INDEED it is true that being delusional absolutely IS necessary! We cannot survive this bullshit “reality” otherwise!
Meanwhile, another MAD ‘lil Hatter I have always adored is the personification of the chaos and confusion in not just Wonderland, but life in general. His often nonsensical if not satirical commentary and roller coaster riddles with absolutely no answers IS often the answer to the topsy-turvy world that both Alice and myself exist in.
He said,
“Have I gone mad?”,
to which Alice replied,
“I’m afraid so. You’re entirely bonkers!But I’ll tell you a secret …ALL the best people are!”
So far as I can tell, all the best people I’ve ever been lucky enough to know are bat shit effing MASTERPIECES of insanity standing in the darkness but touched with the MOST beautiful light a human soul could ever be litten with. Wait! “Litten”? Is that even a word! Welp! IT IS NOW, BITCHES!
… meanwhile, ten years and one FU€KED up beyond all human conception trauma tragedies later, one would THINK that this mindset of mine from WAY back then would have changed or somehow been jaded.
Nah!
Have ya MET me?
I still very much believe that this hamster ball Ferris wheel, circus clown life I “get” to live – dark as it ever may be at times – was fashioned this way for a much bigger purpose and picture than perhaps I will ever truly know.
Every ending really IS a beginning!
Everything past really IS the future!
And yes, it’s still true that I wouldn’t change a SINGLE fu€king thing.
Thank you, Keanu, for breaking this whole “love” thing down for us on this of all the “Love Is” days! You truly are “Love Incarnate” and so are your beautiful words. Here’s hoping that my prayers have as I truly believe been answered and that both of my babies have found their forever homes in this space.
A very twisted and cynical, albeit spot on accurate clown once said:
If people treat you like an option, LEAVE THEM like a choice!
I couldn’t agree with you more, Joker! I couldn’t agree more! And while, yes, indeed, we should all strive to accept people justas they are … good, bad, or indifferent … for GOD’S sake we must also remember to place people where they belong in our lives, which (ps) is NOT always under the protection of our umbrella. You see, in case you didn’t know already on this “National Umbrella Day“, having an umbrella during a rainstorm is a privilege that not everyone deserves. Just sayin’ …
… and thus another 365 days are now waiting ahead to take us ALL back around the The Sun again, God willing. To know me well is to know that I am TRULY in love with every minute of every day that I “get” to partake in this bittersweet, beautiful, shit show of a fucking CIRCUS we call life. Some may find me morbid, macabre, pessimistic, “doom and gloom”, or obsessed with the thought of Death. I am not. Quite the contrary, actually – BUT – I am a stoic … and a realist … and if dancing with “Death” has gifted me anything, it’s my absolute peace with and understanding about the brevity of mere existence. So, with that, as you begin what will hopefully prove to be YOUR next beautiful trip around our that fiery girl in the sky … “MEMENTO MORI”: Remember that you have to die. Let my words and my story be a sobering, LIFE-long reminder to make each of the 86,400 seconds of your next 365 days REALLY count. Live today, not tomorrow, because unless you’re God or an immortal jellyfish, tomorrow isn’t promised. “… and if you see me losing faith in what it means to die, don’t let me leave before I know what lies behind the stained-glass doors. Save sorrow for the souls in doubt. Bleed every care out.”
Look, I dunno who needs to know this right now, but 87 years ago today, a Maestro of magnanimous proportion was born. His food for thought is not just for the ages, but also nothing short of IMPECCABLE! I’m not gonna lie, but over the last year or two of really delving in to the “Hopkins” of it all, he has fast become one of the very few people I’d truly love to sit down and eat cereal with.
Here’s hoping that at least one person who’s snacking on this ‘lil last day of the year nugget of mine will tuck at least a few of your words of wisdom near the forefront of their mind as they welcome in an epic New Year!
In the meantime, CAN I? Can I get that “100” in the comments from at least one person here who’s part of the 0.01% who actually finished what they started when they pressed play?
“Behold, I have undertaken to speak to the Lord, I who am but dust and ashes.”
(Genesis 18:27)
… and so, with that, in case you didn’t know:
You
Are
AMAZING!
Yes, I know I’ve been kind of missing in action lately. There are a lot of changes happening here in my world and I’ve been immersed in some very heavy tasks at hand. More to come on that, I promise, BUT, in the meantime …
No matter who you are … no matter what you do … and regardless of who in this world either believes or doesn’t believe that YOU are a gift to the world straight from Heaven, never forget that you’re made of STAR-STUFF and NEVER allow yourself to take YOU for granted! As a matter of fact, the next time you walk out of your house, I challenge you to scream out loud to the world and to The Cosmos:
Yah! That’s right! I’m Jean-Claude Van DAMN fucking MAGICAL, people! So, either love me OR choke on my STARdust!
While I’ve known long well that I’m filled with “love and Light” such that this video isn’t really that shocking to me, it is, indeed PROOF of my “POOF“! It is my truest hope that this video clip by Dr. Gabriela Fuchsliterally blows your mind and teaches you something powerful about yourself today! It’s important that you know what’s inside of you:
Let me know what you think in the comments please, and don’t forget to remember that you’re AMAZING! HEAVEN is LITERALLY in you! Oh, and by the way, although I made this astonishing discovery back in August and posted it on my Instagram, it’s being posted here in the Diary at 6:20am in honor of the exact moment the James Webb Space Telescope was launched four years ago today. What an epic Christmas gift to us all … especially those of you who didn’t already know that you’re literally a “ROCK STAR”!
I once heard it said that the real ride or die is your first born who got the unhealed, inexperienced version of you. The one who stuck with you through it all. The one who saved you in more ways then they’ll ever understand. Nothing could be further from the truth! Then you look back at pictures of them when they were younger and just cry your effing eyes out because you didn’t really get to enjoy their childhood the way you wish you could have because you were in survival mode.
Been there! DONE THAT!
But guess what, folks? Our kiddos are more forgiving then we think. Dare I say that more often than not they forgive our many trespasses against them, whether or not they were intentional, much too quickly. Yes, they saw our tempers. Yes, they experienced our frustrations and lack of patience. Yes, for all the things we were trying to hard to teach them, they were sent here to teach us, too. After all, this parenting gig didn’t really come with an instruction manual, now, did it?
The privilege of a lifetime is to become who you truly are.
(Carl Jung)
One year ago today, a brave Canadian woman released a love letter of forgiveness to her parents in the form of one of the most truly bittersweet songs I’ve ever heard. Since then, it’s become a moving and emotional part of many of our adult healing journeys with our own parents, and for me, has also become a soliloquy. The powerful words ebb and flow the “circadian” of a relationship with my parents, as well the relationship with my kids.
In the meantime, thank you, Papa, for allowing me the utmost honor and privilege of allowing them to become who they are and not what I or the world tries to tell them to be. If only every child were so lucky, well, then who knows what this world we live in would look like. Hell, who knows what I would have ended up looking like?
And to my dear Mama? It took some time and a lot of self-reflection, but I think I finally got your message. I “see you” now and I love you.
And to my kids? My prayer is always that I didn’t shatter you both irreparably before it was too late to see the error in all my formerly broken ways. Indeed, it is true that I love this hard because of both of you, and while we all know that it’s impossible to go back and change a single thing, this journey I’ve been on has only ever been so that one day when you’re walking in my shoes you’ll pass along at least some of my lessons. Neverthless, I remain … “bulletproof”, thankful, and filled with power and grace. If you ever wonder why I’m bulletproof, it’s ALL because of you. Pray God you’ll one day realize that my goal in this life was only ever to protect and bulletproof you in a world that can be so cruel. I love you to The Moon and back.
Mama? Who would let you down? Who made you think you weren’t enough and filled your soul with doubt? And Dad I needed you around, but what you needed was some space to figure yourself out. Would you go back and do it the same? Did regret make you wanna change? Misunderstood … under appreciated … but did you know I love this hard because of you and I’ve been learnin’ it’s a journey, as I’m walkin’ in your shoes. I’ll pass along all of your lessons. Took some time, but I got your message. If you ever wonder why I’m bulletproof … it’s all because of you.
Oh, I wish that I could say I was the picture perfect sister when you needed me. And we might see it differently, but now we’re old enough to know that we both made mistakes. I’d go back and do it the same. Guess I’m good at takin’ the blame. Misunderstood … under appreciated … but did you know I love this hard because of you and I’ve been learnin’ it’s a journey as I’m walkin’ in your shoes. I’ll pass along all of your lessons. Took some time but I got your message. If you ever wonder why I’m bulletproof, it’s all because of you. Pray God you’ll one day realize that my goal in this life was only to protect and bulletproof you both in a world that can be so cruel.
Twenty-seven years ago today, this most powerful movie of so many of our lifetimes was released by Castlerock Entertainment. Meanwhile, I once heard it said that people start to heal the moment they feel heard. While I do tend to agree, I also very much believe that people start to heal the moment they are “seen and acknowledged” without having truly been “heard” because their pain and suffering are buried so deeply beneath the fortress they’ve built around their own heart that they can’t even say the words that need to be “heard” to begin their healing.
Take this scene, for example, which for the record, still brings me to tears every time:
Will walks in on a heated argument between Sean and Lambeau over Will’s potential. Lambeau leaves, and Sean and Will talk and it comes to light that they were both victims of child abuse. Sean helps him see that he is a victim of his own inner demons and to accept that it is not his fault, causing him to break down in tears in Sean’s arms. Will accepts one of the job offers arranged by Lambeau. Having helped Will manage his problems, Sean reconciles with Lambeau, deciding to take a sabbatical.
And so, with that, this is me saying to anyone reading this right now who desperately needs to hear this:
No, it WASN’T your fault!
Until the day comes when you finally allow yourself to believe it, I’ll pray you find the courage to step outside your fortress walls and rise above the demons that are holding you hostage inside your own heart.
Just a friendly reminder that not everything “sparkly, shiny, charming, and beautiful” is a gift sent straight from Heaven. Sometimes those things are lessons and tests sent straight from HELL, and yes, some of us really miss the messages and fail the tests. Hi everyone! It’s me, CAT! Been there! Done that!
These days, I’m mostly only interested in the not so shiny, sparkly, shiny, charming and beautiful things this epic life has to offer me. I’m more of a trash to treasure girl, myself! Although, I must say I do love my diamonds. (Hey, a diamond has never hurt anyone, now, has it?) But I’ve digressed …
Remember …
Jesus strolled in slowly on a dirty, stinky donkey, He didn’t screech up on white horse or in a Lambo. Although, I do so love a super car! Wait! WHAT? But I’ve digressed AGAIN!
My point is this:
Be careful who amongst the sparkly, shiny, “angelic” people you let into your halo, ’cause “THEY WALK AMONG US“!
Just thought I’d share! Bye everyone, it’s me, “sometimes sparkly, sometimes shiny, but mostly kind of a trash can bandit with a halfway decent heart and soul” CAT!
Oh, but to be a queen at such a very young age. Fit her for a diamond encrusted tiaranow, my friends! This beautiful girl has got it! Am I right? By the way, what an absolutely phenomenal mother this beautiful little enigma is gonna be one day! Pray God.
On January 31, 2013, I wrote these words on my Facebook page:
If you could carry a cross or a burden SO heavy at times that you thought it would actually kill you, would you do it if you knew that when you finally made it home where you could safely lay it down, you’d be thanking GOD on your hands and knees that He ever gave it to you in the first place, because now YOU can help someone else carry theirs?I say yes, laden me, God. If it was good enough for your Son, it’s good enough for me. Thank You for allowing me to be shattered and broken into so many tiny pieces, because now I am AWARE and PREPARED! I love You.
Thirteen years later (but hey, who’s counting, right?), I wrote THESE words here in The Diary:
… and if I was ever given the cosmic option to somehow go back and unbreak one single piece of my heart or uncarry all of the heavy things I’ve GOTTEN to carry, I can honestly say with every single shred of my beautifully shattered soul that I wouldn’t want to change a things. Besides, if it was good enough for Jesus, it really WAS good enough for me, too, and I’m thankful I was chosen to live this life. Lol. If only that “me” from 11 years ago today who was most likely sitting at the desktop in the tiny little “desk closet” in our one- bedroom PALACE (since I’m fairly certain I didn’t have an iPhone yet at that point) could see me know, she’d be SO fucking proud to see how far we’ve OVERcomethe burdens we’ve gotten to bear and how we NOW run headfirst into the storms instead of either running from or denying they exist. Hey, God? Thank You! No, really … THANK YOU! And hey, to my babies? This lightning’s gonna strike right through those hearts of yours again, ’cause this rain ain’t gonna stop, and you’ll feel every drop as they keep on dancing on your heads. But you gotta hold on … you gotta be strong … right here with me if it all goes wrong to keep you from harm … away in my arms … steer you away from the storm! When The Sun won’t come around and your world keeps washing out, I won’t let this love fall down. I’ll carry you. So, let’s run toward waiting lights, ’cause I know there’s better skies ahead. Sands through an hourglass … you’re floods are gonna pass … and we’ll still be standing, hand in hand! Love, Mom (“I’ll Carry Them“)
Feels like I’m standing on the edge of the platform now. Maybe somehow I’ll fall. Walking for miles, inside I know it’s true … this soul has holes like you do. And I watch the train get closer into the station. And I backed up just to get a running start to send me on a permanent vacation … a new destination. Sometimes the only way to save me is by making space for someone else. When I feel the world surround me, can I be the strength for someone else? Hey mister tell me can you hear me, ’cause I’m down and out … maybe just lost and found. And it’s crazy what I’m saying but I’m praying and I don’t know you but maybe you could just hear me out. And I watched the train get closer into the station. And I walked up to the doors and watched them part. And I met this man without a hesitation … a new destination … (Tommy Vext)
“We’re standing in the halo our greatest Hope! Right now, we know ourselves … but what do we REALLY know? That we were born with the right to have a sense of self and not have to deny all we’ve felt inside. Don’t tell us that we’re black or white, ’cause we won’t sell our souls to pretend! Now everything will be alright. We’ve made it through so many nights … and a mask will not be our end! We won’t be our own worst fear! We don’t wish to just disappear! It’s what America means to us … that we will NEVER be blind again!”
(Tommy Vext’s Words Adapted)
… and now, here we are, folks! It’s time to finally FIX this broken machine! Let’s just hope that the faith we’ve ALL put in him, regardless of our “color” – black, white, red, blue, PURPLE, and every other color in between – has NOT been blind!
Hey … “47”!
You’ll have 1,460 days to put all OUR money where YOUR mouth is! (But hey, who’s counting, right? Now, FIX IT! This is your MANDATE! Pray God.
A pluviophile is a person who enjoys rain and rainy days, and is fascinated by the sights and sounds of rain. Pluviophiles may find joy and peace of mind during rainy days, and may enjoy being outside regardless of the weather. They may also find comfort in listening to the rain hitting a window ledge, or enjoy the scent of rain on a road or freshly cut grass.
… and so, I wrote to her. My “sibling” who I do not know in this sisterhood of the most twisted, tragic, bittersweet, and almost ethereal bullshit sororities of all called “SHATTERED CHILDHOOD“:
My heart is in pieces for you. So, I’m what some people call a “pluviophile”, a person who revels in rainy, stormy, gloomy weather, and it IS literally like some twisted Heaven here in Dallas for me, right now with the skies in the full bloom of every shade of grey. I have long believed that the reason I feel most comfortable and “at home” this way is because it’s the sky’s way of helping me peacefully grieve for not just my “childhood”, but for EVERY other one of us (especially mothers) who are walking around with smiles on our faces despite it all, because not only do we “know what we know”, but we “KNOW what we know” and feel it for every broken child who does now or ever has existed. I’m hearing “The Irrepressible Shirt” right now. It’s my rain song. Much love to you, my friend. This is an awful, twisted, but also kind of beautiful sisterhood, is it not?
Grieving you and the story we didn’t get to finish the way we’d always planned totally sucks, by the way, but it’s also been a privilege and an honor. It means that I “got” to ever love you in the first place, and only God knows would or would NOT have become of me be it not for our season together. Alas, it was written in the stars that this is how it was always meant to be. What a twisted, bittersweet, ironical anomaly we were.
This hidden thing that you don’t see? They call them skeletons, but don’t be scared of them. ‘Cause you’re still you, and I’m still me. It’s all irrelevant. We ALL got skeletons!
If there’s one thing you should know about me, it’s that I REFUSE to keep my skeletons in the closet. You wanna see them? You betcha! In fact, not only will I open their cage if you really wanna meet them, I’ll personally make the introductions. I literally have nothing to hide anymore, and the very few “secrets” I still do keep under wraps are only being kept to protect my family … not me!
Yes, I’m flawed. I’ve made mistakes. I’ve said things I shouldn’t have. I’ve disappointed people. I’ve acted like an actual nut bag at times for failing to control my REAL and RAW emotions! Nope! You Jean Claude Van Damn will NOT find a perfect person here, and trust me when I say I have plenty to NOT be proud of! Do my anger and fleeting thoughts of retribution for those who have hurt me and mine scare me at times? Umm, you better fucking believe it, which is a large part of the reason I laugh and joke around so much. It keeps me humble and “regulated”. That being said, I’m beyond proud of the person I’ve become since not just OWNING and ACCOUNTING for the darkness I once kept hidden, I’ve made peace with ALL of it! Meanwhile, I once saw a quote that said,
If you could go back and fix all your mistakes, you’d completely erase yourself.
That was all l needed to hear, ’cause guess what? I frigging LOVE myself, ass backwards wretchedness, fails, blunders, and all! Far be it from me to rob the unsuspecting world from the privilege of getting to have me in it! Bye everyone, it’s me, CAT (and all my ‘lil demons)! HAPPY HALLOWEEN!
Honey, I just wanted to say thank you! This last 14 days have opened my eyes and I have so much more appreciation for all the things you do to make all our lives happen yet make it look effortless. Now I understand who you are as a woman even more than I already thought I did. I honestly didn’t get it until now. I love you, Catherine Williamson. Thank you for being my wife!
… then you fall back in love with him all over again and can’t even believe just how much you’ve been needing to have exact validation for going on 22 years. No, Zachariah … I love YOU … and I thank God for you “every day”!
Wow, Cat! Gia is such an amazing young woman! She’s wise beyond her years and so mature! You must be so proud!
Gulp. If only you knew how many times I’ve heard those words or the depth of the sucker punch to my soul I feel every time I hear them. Yes, she’s wise beyond her years. Yes, she’s more mature than some of the most mature adults I’ve ever known, up to and including me. You see, having a child who through no fault of their own had to walk through the fallout of the “childhood” you shattered and thus “mature” much sooner than their peers isn’t exactly something to be proud of.
It goes like this …
Sometimes time they’re too quiet, or God forbid totally silent. This is because they’re often lost deep inside their own mind trying to navigate the wreckage you drove their little tricycle through. And they won’t tell you, because even though you might “understand”, in keeping with the empty toolbox they lug around that you half-assedly loaded, they had to just figure things out on their own while you were busy fucking things up for them. This is also why they try to solve problems on their own and refuse to ask for help from anyone, much less you, which subsequently wears them out to the point of constant fatigue, to which end they can’t even imagine what’s happening inside their own body or why they can’t seem to get their mangled wings to fly.
Mentally.
Physically.
Emotionally.
NEUROLOGICALLY!
They’re forced to live within a burgeoning insanity while simultaneously being over demanding and hyper critical of themselves and trying to redirect all the hard wires in their psyche that you stripped. This, of course, can cause them to distance themselves from people, which, too, tends to make them feel empty, alone, and wholly unable to ever really let their guard down, but they usually won’t tell you how they’re feeling. They’ll just show you and the unsuspecting world what they’re either feeling or not feeling by remaining quiet, stoic, “wise beyond their years”, and “mature”. Meanwhile, they’ve become so familiar with all the chaos, turmoil, and accompanying anxiety served to them by the people who were supposed to be protecting them that the truly foreign concept of feeling calm and relaxed seems unsafe. None of this, by the way, is because they’re too weak to handle things. It’s as a result of continually experiencing things that their young minds were never meant to be prepared for, and sometimes even having to “parent” YOU! Oh, and by the way, as I went back to proofread what I just wrote, it just hit me like a ton of fucking bricks that I am literally describing “it goes like this” from my own firsthand experience of being a child living in “this picture”. But I’ve digressed, as usual …
So, then, now you’re asking yourself, “What does any of this have to do with an “irrepressible shirt” or this song? Well …
Music has the ability to evoke a wide range of emotions in listeners, from joy and excitement to sadness and contemplation. However, some of the most powerful and impactful songs are those that come from a place of vulnerability and emotional honesty. These are the songs that cut deep and resonate with us on a personal level, sometimes even bringing us to tears. One song that stands out as a shining example of emotional honesty is In This Shirt by The Irrepressibles. The lyrics of ‘In This Shirt’ convey a deep sense of longing and heartache, exploring the complexity of love and loss in a way that is both raw and beautiful. Lines such as “In this shirt, I can be you / To be near you for a while” speak to the feeling of isolation and despair that can come with heartbreak. One of the most powerful aspects of the song’s lyrics is their ability to paint a vivid picture of the emotions and experiences that inspired them, while still leaving room for interpretation and personal connection. Jamie Irrepressible has stated that he drew on his own experiences of heartbreak and loss to write the song and, by doing so, he create something that speaks directly to listeners’ emotions. The themes of vulnerability and emotional honesty are central to the song, and they are reflected in the music itself. The soaring, operatic vocals, combined with the lush orchestration and delicate piano lines, create a sense of intimacy and emotional intensity that is almost overwhelming. It’s a song that demands to be heard, and that invites listeners to explore their own feelings of vulnerability and emotional rawness.
Did you catch that? “Music has the ability to evoke a wide range of emotions in listeners“. That’s what I’ve been screaming for years! Musicians are the wizards God sends here to help ZAP “us” out of “us”. For me, this particular musician is a killer and I cannot listen to this song without sobbing for my kids’ lost childhoods. As soon as it begins, I literally imagine myself slipping on the worn and tattered shirt that’s a metaphorical remnant of what was supposed to be the happiest days of their lives, then sitting atop a faded rainbow and grieving for them. Yes, my childhood was shattered, too, but, oh, how different things could have been for all of us had they not been forced to walk across my broken pieces.
So, with that, I’ll close with this …
I once read a quote that said, “Never let your storm get your kids wet”. Well, this is me after finally forcing myself to SIT in the storm I rained upon the two people in the world I was charged to protect the most in a shirt dripping with tears of guilt and shame. Yes, I’ve forgiven myself for my many failures as a mother. Yes, I believe they’ve forgiven me, too. Nevertheless, if there’s just one song that’s meant to be a poignant reminder of what we’ve all been through together, then so be it. Pray God that my babies’ babies won’t, too, be sitting atop a faded rainbow of their own one day in my irrepressible shirt and that this season of change holds steady.
TO MY BABIES:
Once you’ve finally had the time and space to read through this “feeling kinda sorry for myself” soliloquy, know that it’s from a place so deep within my heart that even with all my seemingly endless words, I really have no words. Although for some reason you both seem to have forgiven all of us for totally obliterating your “childhoods” and forcing you to choke on an endless stream of “sugary piss water“, it doesn’t mean I don’t still carry that guilt and shame with me like a cross. It’s okay … I earned this cross and maybe I was meant to have to carry it to remind myself of not only where I came from, but mostly where I want you to go. Please break this cycle for my grandbabies. I love you both and I’m sorry.
Vedder has been known to change the lyrics of the song when singing it live, so it is difficult to know if what he is singing at the time are the original lyrics from 1991. In the liner notes for Lost Dogs, McCready said: A riff loosely based on something I’d heard during the Ten sessions. I thought it was pretty. Eddie started making up words on the spot and we kept them. I still don’t know what it’s about and I don’t want to! I love it. Fans like it too!”
So, wait! Lemme get this straight! What we’ve just realized is that one of the greatest artists and musical geniuses of all times has been historically “making shit up as he goes”?
EXACTLY!
Hi everyone! It’s me, The Real Catherine LEDBETTER Williamson. I, too, am a creative GENIUS who’s just making up this SHIT SHOW of a masterpiece existence of mine with my eyes wired shut as I go! Guess what?
Okay, well, maybe sometimes I am still a little mad. Guess what? That’s okay! Yes, I’m a “stoic“, but no, I’m not a machine, and contrary to handful of sordid opinions, I very much do still have feelings. I mean, I know it sometimes seems like nothing but fun and games, squirrels and birds, really bad, errr, “outfits”, and even BADDER hair days, BUT, even with all that “I CHOOSE JOY” pulsing through my veins, sometimes I get a little “Rage Rash“! (That’s a new disease I just made up, by the way! Pretty good one, huh?
While we’re on the subject of anger, keep in mind that while handing over the reins to your psyche and letting people anger you is never optimal, “being angry” in general is often a necessary if not healthy evil. Now, does that mean you should ever get too comfortable with it? NOPE! What have I been telling you, kids? You have to FEEL the pain and ride with it before you get to the station. Still, your anger is that sacred version of yourself that actually loves you the most and is only trying to protect you. So, just “reframe” it into a helpful little companion of sorts. Kind of like an emotional support kitten, puppy, or even an emotional support DEMON! It knows when you’ve been mistreated! It knows when you’ve been neglected! it knows when you’ve been deceived, manipulated, taken advantage of, or made a fool! It knows when it’s time for you to walk the fuck away and JUST … SAY … NO!
Holding your breath. Holding your tongue. You’re only holding yourself back. So much to say. So far to run out from the shadows you have cast. Closing the door. Closing your eyes. You’re only closing yourself off. So much to see. So much to try. Don’t be afraid of what you want. Oh, the best days of your life have yet to come. It’s okay. It’s alright to open up. You don’t owe anybody anything! Life is yours to live anyway you please.
NO APOLOGIES!
No promise left for you to keep. You can be whoever you want to be.
NO APOLOGIES!
Don’t want to be no one else! What you see is what you get! No one to please!
NO APOLOGIES!
This most epically beautiful Trapt song was released on this day in 2010 during a time in my life when I was still desperately searching for my missing words, the voice to speak them, and the courage to SCREAM them to all the people, places, and things I’d once allowed to keep me chained to the ground and flightless, not the least of which “people” were me, myself, and ME!
The first time I ever heard it, it all but seared itself onto my heart and thus became one of my mantras. I’ve listened to it faithfully ever since, sometimes almost daily, as a reminder to NEVER slip back into the colorless shadows I worked so hard to step out of. If you’ve never heard it before and are searching for the perfect song to serenade yourself with when you need to be reminded of who you are, where you came from, and where you’re headed, may I suggest that you add it to your playlist? In the meantime, please just keep the faith and heading towards The Light. YOU GOT THIS!
A very special young man, Paul Tran, who I met through my son’s gun-building community and now consider a friend, wrote what I consider to be one the most remarkable posts I’ve ever seen on social media about “being his own soldier“. Although he wrote it some months ago and I immediately knew I’d be blogging it, I wanted the perfect “day” for its debut. Well, that day is today, in honor of his beloved homeland’s 70th Anniversary of “Hanoi Liberation Day“. He wrote:
“YOUR OWN SOLDIER!”
You don’t need a military ID to prove that you are a soldier. You can prove it on the battlefield. I’m my own soldier. Over the years in my life, I always try to find my answer and what l’m worth fighting for. I finally got my answer. I fight and defend for my friends, family, and loved ones. That is what I am fighting for. Being a soldier is strength, courage, intelligence, and hope. I’m soldier of Vietnam, the Great Southern Gun & Knife Show, and the gun community of the United States and Canada. I don’t care about getting medals or being a hero. I only care about inspiring others to believe in themselves and be your own soldier. Fight what you believe in what is right for you. Choose your own fight, battle, and war. Fight and defend your friends, family, and loved ones. If your friends, family, and loved ones are human or not. I always love, care, and protect them. Fight for the people you love in your life. I will show the enemy. I’m not afraid of the enemy because I won’t back down without a fight. I will raise my guns on the battlefield. I will fight like hell, Army or not. I will keep on fighting until the end! It doesn’t matter if the enemy is from our world or another world.
I’m a soldier!
I fight what I believe is right and fight for peace and freedom.I will be the last soldier standing on the battlefield. My heart and spirit will carry on the strength and courage inside of me as a soldier.
Keep on fighting until the war is won!
(by Commander Paul Tran)
For the record, I have never come across a person who is so vehemently and unapologetically proud of his homeland and nationality, which in and of itself is remarkable. Commander Tran, my friend? I SEE YOU! You got this, young man! SOLDIER ON!
The Diary Of My Perfection 