After a lifetime of having absolutely NOTHING, both materially or otherwise, then the last FIVE years of unselfishly giving everything he did have away (like that time he emptied out his “new car savings fund” to pay for my daughter’s tuition to private school), Zachariah Lucas Williamson finally gets something JUST FOR HIM!
No one could deserve it more, and truth be told, after everything he’s gone through for the sake of me and mine without ever complaining or holding it over my head? He should have gotten a freaking Bentley! I’m so happy for my husband and so damn PROUD of him right now! And by the way, how’s THAT for ya “big brother and his wife” who have always “jokingly” referred to my husband as the “Zack Of Shit“? Today is the best day EVER!
Since about 7:00pm Dallas time last night, I’ve been in between “speechless” and “tears”, shaking my head with hand over mouth in complete and total disbelief. Please also know exactly how poignant, powerful, and meaningful the beyond thoughtful gesture was to my husband, as well.
Over the last few years, my “process” has taken me to some of the darkest and loneliest places. Hmm, wait, Stuart, did you happen to know this already? Lol. So, the search to find “me” was both tragic and beautiful, but yes, I did, indeed, “find me”. Along with everything else I’ve discovered about myself, I’ve also discovered that one of my purposes in this life is to reach out to the broken, lost, and shattered people that happen to cross my path and metaphorically wrap them in the big cozy blanket of knowing they are not at all alone. My heart literally aches when I see another human being suffering and wish I had a magic wand to just “bop” everyone through their healing.
There’s an organization here in Dallas called “Life Enrichment Boot Camp“. People who are struggling with mental wealth or relationship issues walk through the doors on a Wednesday night and leave a few days later feeling refreshed, renewed, and “free” from their emotional baggage. They learn to forgive those who have hurt them, and, most importantly, learn to forgive themselves for simply being human. It’s the same boot camp that I was literally dragged to about four years ago as a last ditch effort to help me pull my own head out of my ass, because even the finest of, err, “facilities” in this world didn’t quite get the job done. It was there at the camp where I began to truly find healing and “freedom” from my jaded past. Meanwhile, four years later, now I volunteer at this camp as often as I can and “give back” to the same system that help me save my own damn life.
That being said, I want you to know that for me, being at camp on those weeks isn’t always easy. . It takes everything I have to stand surrounded by a 100 or more people that often are only inches away from the same “Death’s Door” threshold that I was standing at when I walked into that boot camp. It drains the life out of me just about every time, because as I have already said, for whatever reason I, as a human being, and very much physically affected by other people’s pain. It’s quite overwhelming to hear the never-ending stories, tragedies, and traumas. By the time Saturday afternoon rolls around and all of the new-found joys and freedoms of the campers are ringing loud in the halls of the boot camp, I’m ready to just run out the doors, speed home as fast possibly, take a long, hot bath, crawl into bed, and literally hide underneath the covers until Sunday morning. That’s how much it wears me out! Still, for all the emotional energy it drains me of, the reward of knowing that I’ve helped change lives is worth every single tear I secretly shed for those people.
Imagine the irony, then, when Zack found that package at on doorstep last night. You see, this particular boot camp was tougher than usual, so, on my way home yesterday afternoon I couldn’t stop crying, and remember driving down the road and thinking to myself:
My gosh! Is any of this worth it? Will any of these people ever remember me? Will ANY of the people I’ve reached out to in my lifetime think of me one day and smile? Is anything that I’m trying to accomplish really going to matter, and will I have truly made a positive impression on even one human being’s life before I leave here?
Yes, indeed, this is the conversation I was having with myself when I was on the way home from boot camp. So, I got home from camp around 4pm yesterday, and the plan was “supposed to be” that I take a bath and a small nap so that when Zack got home at 7pm we could maybe catch a movie and a bite. Not to be! Once Zack called at 6 to say he was headed home, I told him that I’d had a very rough camp this time, that I was physically and emotionally drained, and that all I wanted was to stay in bed. In fact, I couldn’t even manage an appetite, so I asked if he minded to pick himself up something to eat for dinner. He patiently agreed, and an hour later walked into our bedroom (where I was STILL laying on the bed in the same clothes I wore to camp, because, again, I was literally too smashed to move or even take that much-awaited bath) and greeted me with the most beautiful arrangement of flowers, a big kiss, a hug, and a question.
Hey honey, did you know there’s a huge package for you at the front door?
A minute later he walks back into the room with this GINORMOUS package in his arms,
Um, honey, have you been shopping on the internet? This is from Ireland? Silver Hill Foods? Do you have any idea?
I sat up in the bed and my jaw hit the ground! WHAT THE HELL? I couldn’t speak! Literally, my jaw was stuck on the floor with BOTH my hands covering my mouth as I stood there physically stunned and immobile.
You have no idea what you’ve done! For the record, I was just kidding with that post! Really? You did this for me? Stuart and Helen, please know that with the exception of my husband and my children, no one has ever “done or given” to me in such a way as this. NEVER EVER EVER! Not in this way. And of all things in my life that I hold dearest? Yes, I am truly the girl who hid underneath a comforter (never as nice as these though) for so many years that I cannot even tell you. It used to be the only place I felt safe – “underneath a comforter”. I have always loved and craved that cozy, yummy envelopment, and NO WAY I will ever understand why you did this for me.
I will never forget this and I will never be able to properly show my gratitude. My husband even got a little teary-eyed, by the way. No one has ever done anything like this for him either!
You see, honey? You HAVE made some positive impressions on people, just like I’m always trying to tell you!
These gifts you have given me and my family are more valuable and priceless than even a bag full of gold, and we will treasure these for as long as we are alive on this earth. It’s not just “the blankets”, it’s the thought. Someone thought of ME this time! SOMEONE THOUGHT OF ME! I love you both dearly and thank you, thank you, thank you so much! We cannot wait for the day that either we are all in Ireland or you are all here in the States. Our humble home will always be yours when you are near Dallas here you will be treated like royalty!
Okay, so I’m a wee bit of a neat freak. Some call it “OCD”. Sufficed to say, though, that I can organize things, thoughts, and even peopleright out of my life when necessary. It’s one of my perfect flaws, which, by the way, is NOT something I’m proud of. To the contrary, I tend to compartmentalize things I don’t know what to do with into neat little piles of oblivion that rest either in my own mind or, as in the case of “the bag that was in a bag that was in a bag inside a bag”, has, at times, been my greatest downfall.
Sunday, I was on the highest shelf in my tiny, temporary closet rooting around looking for something. A few unzips into an old gym bag that I used to contain all the other bags I didn’t want to get rid of, yet didn’t know what else to do with, and I was inside a smaller bag that belonged to Mitch. I had completely forgotten to remember that it had been inside my “bag of bags” for going on 13 years. As I unzipped it and slipped my hand in to grab the first thing I could see, I found myself giggling as I remembered the conversation we’d had about it on the day he had finally decided it was time for me to have some of space in his drawers and closets:
Baby, THIS right here is your new best friend! Why, you ask? Because she’s MY best friend! Why is THAT you ask? Because, when the hair looks good, Daddy is happy, and when Daddy is happy, you’ll be happy! She gets the center drawer right here … but you get ALL the rest!
It’s too bad that I can’t “type” the deep, drawn, sexy French-Cajun boy inflections that were his voice, and also TOO damn bad that I can’t “type” how he was standing there in the bathroom that morning holding that damned blow dryer in his hands! Mitch was all about “the stance” and there was just “that way that he stood” when he was talking about something that was important to him – kinda like, back leg straight, one hip up, other leg crooked out in front. Nah, words aren’t doing it justice. Anyhow, I digress. There are still pieces of his hair caught in the back of it, and the cord was STILL wrapped around the handle and tucked in “just this way”, because that’s how he always did it. OMG, he was so OCD! We were so much alike for so many reasons. There was something sweet and often unspoken about all the ways we understood one another.
So, this is what I am thankful for …
I am thankful that I have grown, recovered, survived, and “moved on” just enough so that I can now open some of my old bags of thoughts and laugh, not cry. Time truly can heal all wounds, and yes, there is a reason that God never lets us forget the memories He knows we’re gonna need, and even sometimes smile and laugh about before it’s all said and done, no matter how much we beg and plead for Him to just “erase them all from our mind” when they hurt too much to remember!
If you loved someone, you loved him, and when you had nothing else to give, you still gave him love.
{George Orwell}
Merry Christmas Catherine!
Catherine I hope you know how much I love you and the things I plan for you. I know you have not had many princess moments so far but I WILL change that this year. I want to build you a castle of stone and brick, buy you the finest things money can buy and I want everyone to you how special you are as a person and to me. I want everyone to envy us, not for our money but for how great our relationship is and how much I do for you. Though we may not get to spend as much time together this year I promise you that I will make it the best times we have ever had together. I know I am flawed but I am go to do everything I can to be the perfect husband. I will forgive you for all your mistakes if you will forgive me for mine, so that is going to require a lot of forgiving from you! Today is Christmas you know and who was better at forgiving than Jesus? All I want is for us to be happy this year this year baby and I will do whatever it takes to make that happen. You are my princess and I will show you that this year. I am going to make you feel more special than you have ever felt. Catherine I love you please accept this promise with the gifts I got you.
It’s no big secret to anyone who knows us that when Zack and I first got married at our friends’ home in Sachse, Texas, on November 1, 2010, not only were we broke, but we were also actually in arrears. My wedding gift to him? A beaten down, mentally challenged, badly disfigured “not quite employable” ME with over $30K in debt, a car I couldn’t afford, two kids, and a father who HATED him”. So, our “honeymoon” that night of our theatre room marriage was a trip through a drive-through and him carrying me over the threshold of our “palace”! It wasn’t until now, after a full year has passed, and due largely in part to the financial contributions of the only real “father” he’d ever known, Rick Scauzillo, that we were finally able to take our much-deserved honeymoon.
When we first started talking about where we wanted to go, it was his idea to take me back to New England so that he could see that beloved place I was once lucky enough to call home. It meant the absolute world to me that not only did he want to take me there, but even more so that he absolutely loved it! We flew into Boston and rented a car, then drove all the way to the tip of Maine and back down the coastline that eventually landed us in Providence. He truly “wanted to see it all and not leave anything out”, so that is what we did! Though we were still not off the ledge of “pretty much kinda broke” it was one of the richest times of our lives!
Okay so hi it’s me, your very best friend in the whole entire world, writing you this letter from deep inside this Level One fucking psychiatric hospital I am all locked up in. Remember me? Oh good then. So, how you doin’?
So let’s see. Um, this place is not at all what I thought it would be. Actually, I’m not quite sure what I thought, but whatever it was, this is SO not it. There are about 80 people here right now. Half boys, half girls. Um, yah, the “red tag boys” are all sex addicts. Ten of them, ages about 22 to 65. Creepy much? Of the women, um, let’s see. About 20 alcoholics, 10 drug addicts, 6 sexually traumatized by their fathers and/or grandfathers … oh, 4 sex addicted women. There are a fair amount, actually, 95%, that are being so beyond medicated that they’re walking around in a fucking daze. Then there’s me. As far as I know at this point I’m the only person here who is not being medicated with mental stuff. They have me taking some throat stuff to strengthen the tissues in my throat, which, by the way, is beyond fucked again. I was told by the staff physician this morning that since I am now on my second round of esophageal issues, especially being so close, that it is only a matter of time if I don’t stop this that I could really end up with cancer. They found something called a “Barret’s Ring” yesterday which from what I can decipher is a light pink tissue somewhere near the top of my throat which are basically pre-cancerous cells. That was pretty fucking scary news and of course, I have no internet access, so I can’t even Google to see if this is serious or not. The doctor says I will need to have this addressed when I get home. Other than that, I’m in good shape. My EKG came back today and was within normal range, although I did have a slight arrhythmia again. They’re trying to say that it could be due to a lack of potassium, I think they said, because I’ve not been eating well lately. They’re gonna scan me every week that I’m here to monitor it.
Anyhoo … So how’s my Zack? Exceedingly well I hope. Gosh, I so know that with your ADD you can’t have a 19-page long letter. But, but, but I have so much to fucking say. So, I don’t want to dwell too much on you, or my feelings for you. And truthfully, I have been able to somewhat put you out of my mind since I’ve been here. Except for something that has kind of been happening here. Well, let me explain. So, this place I am at is somewhat of a “ranch” style complex. We are in the middle of a dessert-type landscape but surrounded by an absolutely gorgeous mountain range. Right below our facility is a horse ranch that is not associated with The Meadows. Every day, several times, I walk to the back side of this one building so that as I’m looking over the railing, I watch the horses directly below. So now, this ranch has three large “pens” in the center which is divided into three equal parts. Looking down, all you see is the overall “square” of the pen, which is probably a half an acre in diameter, and within the square you can barely see the two fences that run down the middle and thus divide the square into 3 equal parts. Within each of the three parts are many different horses, all divided. So the first day I was here and coherent, I found the back ledge of the building and stood out there watching the penned horses for what seemed like forever. The middle pen and the right pen side … There are these two horses, one in each pen. I watched them very closely and noticed, very quickly, that they are in love with each other. Very much so. All day long, every day, whenever I go out there to stand and watch them … they are closely bonded and inseparable. They just stand there all day, right beside each other, but the fence separates them. They nuzzle, and talk, touch noses. Often they’ll run up and down the length of the fence together and “play”. They are happy together but separate. You can clearly see that these two creatures were made just for each other, but their “circumstances” have them in their own separate spaces. Oh my God, Zack, they won’t even leave each other to eat or drink for too long. As soon as they are both evidently desperate to eat, they walk away for as short a time as they can then hit the fence together as soon as their legs can get them there. It’s so fucking beautiful. It’s so fucking sad. It’s you and me. Well, at least that’s how I see it. There are really no words to describe how profound this experience has been for me. I guess you’d have to see it to understand. So then, Z, between “the horses” and your shirt, yah, so I guess I do think about you every single day then.
Well Baby Boy, guess it’s that time. Don’t want to bombard you with way too many words. It’s so not fucking fair to you at all. I’m about to go back out to the horses now. Who knows, maybe those two new friends of mine, Oh my God, those two magnificent creatures, will somehow show me the way to how exactly I’m going to have to let you go one day, and give you to someone else. That’s not to say, for the record, that I believe in any way that you are mine to give. I do not wish to own or “possess” you in any way, shape, or form. I’m speaking of what matters in my heart … you know, I know … that kind of “giving you away”! So, I love you Zack. Always.
I’m here again – a thousand miles away from You. A broken mess. Just scattered pieces of who I am. I tried so hard. Thought I could do this on my own. I’ve lost so much along the way. Then I’ll see Your face. I know I’m finally yours. I find everything I thought I lost before. You call my name. I come to You in pieces. So you can make me whole. I’ve come undone, but You make sense of who I am. Like puzzle pieces in Your eye. Then I’ll see Your face. I know I’m finally Yours. I find everything I thought I lost before. You call my name. I come to You in pieces. So You can make me whole! I tried so hard! So hard! I tried so hard! Then I’ll see Your face. I know I’m finally Yours. I find everything I thought I lost before. You call my name. I come to You in pieces. So You can make me whole. So you can make me whole.
… that moment your son sends you a bittersweet cryptic text message at 3 o’clock in the morning, and although you’re glad that he’s finally telling you how he really feels about all the ways you’ve let him down,it’s a Five Finger DEATH PUNCH to your heart. What he doesn’t know is that my heart is breaking even more than his, because I have to live with the sobering, tragic truth that I’m the one who’s broken his.
REMEMBER EVERYTHING
Dear mother, I love you. I’m sorry I wasn’t good enough. Dear Father, forgive me, ’cause in your eyes, I just never added up. In my heart I know I failed you, but you left me here alone. If I could hold back the rain, would you numb the pain? ‘Cause I remember everything. If I could help you forget, would you take my regrets? ‘Cause I remember everything. Dear brother, just don’t hate me for never standing by you, or being by your side. Dear sister, please don’t blame me. I only did what I thought was truly right. It’s a long and lonely road when you know you walk alone. If I could hold back the rain, would you numb the pain? ‘Cause I remember everything. If I could help you forget, would you take my regrets? ‘Cause I remember everything. I feel like running away. I’m still so far from home. You say I’ll never change but what the fuck do you know? I’ll burn it all to the ground before I let you run. Please forgive me. I can’t forgive you now … It all went by so fast. I still can’t change the past. I always will remember – everything. If we could start again, would that change the end? We remember – everything. {Five Finger Death Punch}
Yes, it’s true. I really have become a princess. But what if I was meant to be a QUEEN Why don’t I trust him? Why don’t I trust this? Why do I constantly challenge every little thing he says and does? Why does he give all these extraordinarily beautiful things to me? What does it mean? What’s it all for? Why can’t I follow him? WHY WON’T HE LEAD ME? Why can’t I fucking believe in him? Why can’t I let him touch me? I mean really, really touch me. Why am I so afraid for him to see the real me? The angels are here for me just waiting beneath my broken wings. Or maybe they’re the ones making my wings keep moving. I do have vision. I do have my sight. I do want perfection – perfectly imperfect and RIGHT! I cannot keep lying, regardless of my shame, and I truly do admit that I am partly to blame. I care no more. I CAN BEAR NO MORE! I’ll say no more. I can’t give him anymore. I QUESTION EVERYTHING!
QUESTION EVERYTHING
She was a princess; she could’ve been a queen. She had the angels beneath her broken wings. She had the vision; she had the sight. She wants perfection, she wants it right. Who cares anymore, what’s right anymore. (I question everything) I won’t lie, I’ve never been ashamed. I don’t mind admitting I’m to blame. I care no more; I can bear no more. I’ll say no more, I can’t give you anymore. (I question everything) He lives in darkness, there is no progress. He knows the demons, the lie within him. He has no vision; he has no sight. He hates perfection, it wasn’t right. Who cares anymore, who’s there anymore. (I question everything). I won’t lie, I’ve never been ashamed. I don’t mind, admitting I’m to blame. I care no more; I can’t bear no more. {Five Finger Death Punch}
This trip is almost over, and while I’ve made a strong push against The Dragon, part of me is still so sad. The tours have been long and the sights overwhelming, but I am at home in this country. Being here brings me a grounded sense of wholeness and peace that’s impossible to describe. Its history beckons me and calls to mind that although these last sixteen years have felt so treacherous, they’re merely a blip on the radar of my life.
As I’ve wandered here through each village in a perpetual state of eyes wired shut, I’ve imagined having been here in some other space and time walking these very same roads. What did it look like? How did it smell? How did it sound, taste, and feel? So many battles have been fought here and many of these sights have been desecrated and rebuilt, if only to emerge even more breathtakingly beautiful than before. Countless pools of human blood, sweat, and tears have soaked these fervent soils, yet still her flowers bloom.
So, what does France tell me? What does she scream to my soul? It says that humanity is but a history of sometimes less than optimal circumstances leading to either growth or death in endless abound. Each sunset begs the opportunity for me to leave the past behind and awaken to a horizon that hands me infinite choices, beginnings, and endings. My history can really mean something if I let it, even if I never personally witness the outcome.
I analyze everything, I know what you mean. I answer by questioning all that I need. And I want you to surrender, I want you to see all the signs, all the faces inside of me. I see I’m not perfect, but that’s all I see. Lost in a portrait in a picture of me … this can’t be everything I see. Then my canvas is incomplete. Your color’s everything to me, and my canvas will set me free. My outline’s solid and made up of crying. And nothing’s that you say just burn my eyes. I want to surrender; I want you to find some comfort in the spaces between the lines.
Even before Your hand made the Heavens. Even before the breath of all mankind. Even before we had to be forgiven … You were on Your throne. You were on Your throne. You reign. Glory in the highest, You reign. Let creation testify by Your name. Every knee will bow and every tongue proclaim … that Jesus reigns.
So, what exactly is happening here? I’m not quite sure what I’m feeling. When I heard this song today, literally every bone in my body and accompanying muscle attached started aching in the best way possible. Surely this must mean something? It’s like He’s trying to tell me something by speaking directly to my soul. He must have heard my prayer:
I need to talk to You. Or rather, I have some questions, so please just be perfectly honest. You’re not done with me, are You? Is my bright destiny just up ahead? Is it happening even as I write this? The future’s gonna be good, right? Things are gonna start getting better? Those two babies you sent need their mom to be okay so I can help them reach their own destinies. Can’t You just wave Your magic wand?
Time has had its way with me … My broken, tired hands can’t build a thing. The wires that have held me still embedded now in flesh, define my will. The idle of my days has won, the empty I have fed has made me numb. Despite what you will find in me, the failures of my past still swell beneath. I need a heart that carries on through the pain when the walls start collapsing again. Give me a soul that never ceases to follow despite the infection within. Our careless feet leaving trails, never minding the fragile dirt we all end in. This is where I find my fall … The cares that held me life don’t work at all. And every step away from here is closer to the plague I hold so dear. Awaiting my end … Breathing in the day that finds me new … Redemption begins, bleeding out the flaws in place of You. {Demon Hunter}
Christmas came to find me still deeply grieving, but trying desperately to keep my eyes upon The Cross. In all the Christmases we’d been divorced, however, He and I had always managed to go shopping for Christian together during the holidays. This year, however, I didn’t want to go, as I was still feeling very sorry for myself and not that much like shopping.
This particular Saturday, however, would be a day to surely remember. He came to the house that morning, walked into my bedroom where I was still buried under the covers, opened the blinds, ripped off my blankets, and told me to get out of bed. We were going shopping for Christian that day and he wasn’t gonna take no for an answer. Despite my best efforts to avoid any Christmas joy, and after much cajoling by Him, by noon we were out the door and headed to the malls for a day filled with holiday shenanigans. We shopped and laughed, ate and laughed, then shopped some more and ended up having some dinner. It was probably one of the most beautiful days that I’d ever had in my life, and one that I still fondly carry in my heart.
The next day, we decided to spend more time together, only this time with our son. We shopped a little more, then went to have some lunch, and they even went to a special Christmas themed service with me at my church.At the end of the evening when the two of them drove me to the parking lot where I had met them and left my car, He leaned over to give me a hug goodbye. Instead however, He kissed me. When the kiss was over we both turned to see the look of astonishment on Christian’s wide-eyed face – his hands were over his mouth and he was smiling:
Kiss her again, Daddy! Kiss her again!
… at which point he physically pushed our heads together with his innocent young hands, and the rest is merely history.
INTO ANOTHER
Slowly I heal the love that’s found it’s way on to another path in times of change. Crossing that bridge alone, hoping our strength will hold. Should they let go then let me lay. Let me lay. Show me a sign to a light that shines one direction into another – sheltered peace of mind. Somewhere I lost a piece of memory, but somehow I know my legs will carry me. Searching for circle’s end, hoping the wounds will mend. Should this scar, then it was meant to be. {Skid Row}
The months that followed his death are a blur to me. I soon returned home to my parents’ house, where I spent the majority of my time either locked inside my room or just moping around feeling sorry for myself. I was so angry at God and couldn’t believe He would let this happen! I’d figured that by then He’d have known I’d had enough already and was willing to just let me be.
It wasn’t long before I realized that as a Christian I had to accept this as part of His plan, however much I disagreed with it. It was my son, once again, now six years old and wise beyond his tender years for all that he had already been through, who gently reminded me one morning while sitting out front of Mom and Dad’s house setting free some butterflies that we had grown from a kit, that …
Mommy? Mitch is like a butterfly now, right? He got his wings and flew home?
Something has changed in me, and I can’t believe ten years have gone by since I’ve felt alive. When I was a child, I can remember everything so well. But now that I’ve asked, I find, who am I? Watching the sky and praying for rain to come and wash away the tears from my eyes and I’m down on my knees begging You please. Give me life – drown my darkness in smile make it all worth my while so that I can lay my head and rest facedown. Paint me a picture of all things oblivious now. I’ll show you the reasons to hate to hate. Pain by the fistful in a haze of being alright. Right on cue into my veins. Watching the sky, and I’m praying for rain to come and wash away the tears from my eyes and I’m down on my knees begging you please. Give me life – drown my darkness in smile make it all worth my while so that I can lay my head and rest face down in misery. Facedown in your memory. {The Leo Project}
It was the eve of his 34th birthday, and he started the day by making good on his promise to pick my son up from school, meet his teachers, then take him out alone for the very first time so they could have an important talk. So, he took him out to lunch, told him he wanted to be a permanent part of our lives, then asked his permission to marry me. It was a powerful and PIVOTAL moment for all of us, and Christian was beyond excited.
When their date was over, he took Christian to my mom’s then returned home where I was already getting ready for his birthday party that night. We had originally planned to ride out on our separate Harleys and meet up with some friends for dinner, but my bike wouldn’t start, so we rode out on his bike to the The Blue Goose in Addison where they were waiting for us. We celebrated all night long and he excitedly told everyone that we were getting hitched!
After dinner, he wanted to go play pool, so we all gathered out front of the restaurant to caravan in the cars that were available since none of the boys had any business driving anywhere. We wanted them to leave the bikes at the restaurant, take the available cars to The Fox & The Hound, then return to get them later when they were sober. He kept insisting that he wasn’t drunk, though, and refused to leave that fucking devil bike behind. Before I knew what was happening amidst the chaos, I turned my head to see him and his friend sitting on their bikes revving the engines. I ran towards his bike frantically begging and pleading him not to go, but the bikes were so loud, he was beyond inebriated, so, he didn’t even notice, much less hear me. As they pulled out of the parking lot and made their way up Belt Line Road, I swear I knew I’d never see him alive again.
Just Past Midnight, May 30, 1998.
Not long after, he hit a brick wall, less than half a mile from our destination. He wasn’t wearing a helmet, and it was estimated that he’d been going at least 90mph. Once again, my life was as mangled as he was. That first true king of my heart, who up until that point was the only man other than my son who I’d ever truly loved, been loved by, or let see me “naked“, rode off with my heart hin a “Blaze Of Glory”.
SILENT LUCIDITY
Hush now, don’t you cry, wipe away the teardrop from your eye. You’re lying safe in bed. It was all a bad dream spinning in your head. Your mind tricked you to feel the pain of someone close to you leaving the game of life. So here it is, another chance. Wide awake you face the day! Your dream is over or has it just begun? There’s a place I like to hide – a doorway that I run through in the night. Relax child, you were there, but only didn’t realize and you were scared. It’s a place where you will learn to face your fears, retrace the years, and ride the whims of your mind. Commanding in another world, suddenly you hear and see this magic new dimension. I will be watching over you. I am gonna help you see it through. I will protect you in the night. I am smiling next to you, in silent lucidity. If you open your mind for me you won’t rely on open eyes to see. The walls you built within come tumbling down, and a new world will begin. Living twice at once you learn you’re safe from pain in the dream domain – a soul set free to fly. A round trip journey in your head. Master of illusion, can you realize? Your dream’s alive, you can be the guide but … I will be watching over you. I’m gonna help to see it through. I will protect you in the night. I am smiling next to you in silent lucidity. {Queensryche}
Home became the haven I didn’t really like to leave as I recovered from “what lied beneath” one of the most twisted mind fucks of my life. Eventually, I started feeling better and started working out again at a gym I’d been a member of for years. Lol! If only I’d have known that not going back to his gym in an attempt to eradicate myself of his presence would ultimately prove to be pointless. “Hoovery MacHooverson” would always be lingering in my atmosphere. But, hey … AT LEAST I TRIED!
It was my very first visit back to that haunt that I’d made eye contact with this very cute dirty blond. We flirted back and forth a lot and I enjoyed his quiet attention, but it was months before we ever really spoke one Saturday night at what I’d only thought was an empty gym. Little did I know, he’d been there, solo, too, watching me and waiting for his moment … then it happened! He’d walked up behind me, pulled the microphones from my ears, and our much-anticipated conversation began:
So, why aren’t you out with your boyfriend right now? It’s Saturday night! Why are you alone here?
An hour later, we were at dinner across the street, and soon thereafter an item. Kirk Mitchell Boone was a strikingly handsome Cajun boy from Haughton, Louisiana, with whom I had a lot in common. He was genuinely kind, treated me with respect, and always kept me laughing. With him, I felt a safety that I’d never really known, and although I was careful not to jump into something serious too quickly, by the end of that year I just knew he was the one.
He was everything John wasn’t. There wasn’t a manipulative, narcissistic, self-serving bone in his body, and he never once took me for granted. We were very happy and even my family loved him, but I had firmly decided I would not bring another man into Christian’s life unless I knew he’d be the last. I’d kept their contacts brief, which was something Mitch agreed with and respected. I was so happy, and things couldn’t have been better.
Even Christian’s dad seemed to have resigned himself to the fact that Mitch wasn’t going anywhere, and though He’d claimed to still love me, He could see that I was truly happy. In the two years Mitch and I were together, though, the two of them had never met in person and had only ever spoken on the phone a few times when He would call the house. That was about to change …
Despite the turmoil in my life otherwise, I had found my way to a new and different kind of church that was totally different from the Catholic religion I’d been born to and raised in and began exploring this new and intriguing “Christian faith”. I’d started attending Tommy Nelson’s Metro Bible study every Monday night at a Presbyterian church in Plano where I soon began making new, Christian friends and genuinely trying to head in a more positive direction. I truly loved my new “family” and all of the warmth and unconditional acceptance I’d found therein and it wasn’t long before I began feeling not only a stronger bond with Christ, but more so than that, just “stronger” all together.
It was March of 1996 when I finally asked Jesus into my heart and I took every opportunity to attend church functions and Bible studies, which of course put a strain on my relationship with John. We were spending less time together and he appeared to be somewhat threatened by my burgeoning mental wealth and time spent with many new friends. Things were also getting better with my family, and my ex-husband and I were fast developing a healthier relationship for our son’s sake. This, too, threatened John, and he became jealous of certain bonds that were being strengthened and renewed. Remember, when our relationship had begun, I had almost completely severed myself from all of them, which of course made me vulnerable outside influences. John had all but ridden up on a white horse to “rescue me” from what he had begun to convince me was a toxic, emotionally abusive, and unsympathetic family.
In the meantime, I foolishly believed I “loved” him, and indeed, I did truly care for him, but at the same time, I was very confused. I could feel myself being pulled apart at the seams in too many directions to quantify, and the fact that he would continually mock my newfound faith and friendships wasn’t helping at all.
The greatest irony in all of this was that later that year John became involved with a church group of his own and had even started attending some Bible studies with me. My friends were becoming his friends and things were looking up! We were talking about marriage, he had shown me the receipt for the ring he’d claimed to have already purchased, and had even taken my parents to dinner to ask for their blessing. If only I had known what truly lied beneath his facade and that I’d be dealing with this hoovering narcissist for virtually the entirely of my coming life.
RESCUE ME
Walking in circles just to see how far I go gets redundant for me again. I follow the path burned by all those come and gone by the wind that blows. Won’t you please, won’t you please rescue me? Don’t You leave, don’t You ever leave my side. Send in the doctor please, I believe I have bad news, this man is bloody, and his heart is bruised. We can fix him Lord, we can fix his broken heart, but can we prevent him coming apart? Now it seems like the changing shade again, burning embers light the edge around the flames.
The Diary Of My Perfection 