… and to accept selfish, disrespectful, ungrateful people for who and what they are, the courage NOT to become bitter, and the wisdom NOT to let it happen again!

This morning was a SUPER early day for me, as most Fridays usually are being a full-time mother, full-time housewife, a full-time real estate agent. Since Fridays are in essence my “Mondays”, my alarm goes off at 4:30am, I pop up like a Jack-In-The-Box, hop out of bed, start the coffee and spin around like a manic robot getting everything and everyone ready and dealt with ahead of what are usually very hectic weekends in our household. Trust me when I say that I am not complaining, because I thoroughly love every one of my jobs and am blessed beyond words to have them! My adoring husband is ever so appreciative that I’ve somehow found a way to balance my career and our family in such a way that everything runs smoothly, and I’ve created a peaceful environment for them to come home to despite my organized chaos. I am also desperately hoping that I am, in all things, showing my daughter that yes, she can have and do it all if she so chooses, and this is how: Eat, sleep, pray, breathe, cry a little, laugh a lot, sing loud in the car, smile as much as possible, participate when you can, don’t bite off more than you can chew, LEARN TO SAY NO WHEN NECESSARY and thank God for everything all the while. (Being grateful eight days a week, 366 days a year is my other full-time job hee hee!) For the most part I am a very happy girl with a kind, patient, loving heart filled with enough “everything” for everyone in my atmosphere.  I live my life by “The Four Agreements” and this is how I roll.

Every Friday for the last eight years, we have faithfully patroned a small, family-owned dry-cleaning business on the far southeast side of the town that we live in because they are fairly priced and do a good job, but even more so because we are just loyal that way. Meanwhile, once a week I pull through the window and go out of my way to be kind to this woman who is usually wearing a scowl, throwing or slamming stuff around, or barking out orders to the others that are behind the counter. And so, I watch. And think. And wonder. “Hmmm, maybe I’ll kill her with kindness today”, or “maybe she’s had a rough morning”, or “maybe she’s not a morning person at all”, or “maybe she’s really stressed-out Cat, so tell her to have a good day and go on about your business! AGREEMENT NO. 2: DON’T ANYTHING PERSONALLY! Her nasty attitude is about HER, not YOU!” But today something changed, and my otherwise patient demeanor snapped and took a turn for the worse!

I have always taken the time to untangle, organize and neatly twist-tie the hangers then place them at the bottom of the basket for return with the next week’s clothes, a practice I started many years ago when I had actually gone inside their store rather than drive-thru on a morning I was bringing comforters in. On that particular day I’d been standing and waiting while watching one of the girls at the counter feverishly detangling the massive pile of hangers others had returned as well, so with that I thought it would be a nice gesture to organize mine ahead of time. This morning, however, was the first time in years that I didn’t take the time to do that, which, I actually did feel bad about for a split second. But today of all days was slated to be straight from Hell, so I just shoved everything in the bag as quickly as I could and loaded the car for whatever the day might possibly bring.

You see, there is a little stress in our home this last couple of months. Nothing we won’t get through of course, because God IS so good, but stress nonetheless there is. Let’s see, I have a deeply hurting if not troubled child that I am desperately trying to keep from falling into his own oblivion, an uncle in Florida just days away from meeting The Maker, eleven live real estate transactions going at once, a husband with DOZENS of live real estate transactions going at once and a jacked up knee that needs surgery, a dog that won’t stop peeing on everything, a Bad Cat that keeps running away, a Good Cat who won’t stop crying and starving herself when the other is gone, a very socially active daughter wrapping up her last weeks of elementary school who is also playing volleyball, a house to keep up with, four peoples’ laundry to do, 300 miles a week of driving, my physical fitness to keep up with, and oh yes – this particular Memorial Day weekend marks the 19th anniversary of the night a man I was supposed to marry met HIS Maker by running his Harley through a brick wall going 90mph with no helmet. Yah, I’d say I am really kind of sad and emotional this week. I haven’t slept much, am functioning on pretty much coffee and faith alone, and I have an anxiety stomachache nearly all the time because I’m so afraid to let one of the 27 balls I currently have in the air fall on the ground and thus me right along with it (and also maybe because of the coffee)!

Dear Dry-Cleaning Lady:

I, too, was in a foul mood this morning! But guess what? I still managed to smile at you and took the time to ask how you were?

Who wants to know what she said to me when I asked the question, “Good morning dear, how are you?” She literally BARKED back at me, “Well thanks for not untangling the hangers for me!” And nope, it wasn’t friendly banter! She was literally mad that I didn’t untangle the hangers. Now what?

Well, I’ll tell you “now what”. I’m so done with not only that dry cleaner lady but likewise anyone in my life who does not treat me or mine with the equal amounts of kindness and respect with which I treat them. These last few months have been a reckoning of my soul, my strength, my will, and the personal boundaries I need to keep firmly in place going forward if I am going to survive without bitterness. I will not be spoken to harshly. I will not be treated rudely. I will not be disregarded, or unappreciated, or taken for granted. No more. Never again! “We treat and value others as we wish to be treated and valued or we lose them.” When I drove away from the window I kept my calm, and simply said to her, “See you next Tuesday dear!” Only she won’t be seeing any of these Williamsons again, and I’m damned sure she didn’t understand the horribly cryptic message I was sending.

As My Cousin Vinny once said, “I’M DONE WITH THAT GUY”! And yup, I’m so done with all those guys (and girls). Life is too short to spend my good energy or precious time in the BULLSHIT company of miserable, toxic people. – The End

… that moment you’re unknowingly called to stage the house you built so many years ago, which very house is where your heart and soul were literally torn from within your being and the deconstruction of both yours and your son’s life began. And while I am so proud of myself for maintaining my composure as I walked room to room with the client as every haunting memory flooded me, to the point I couldn’t breathe, I find it no coincidence that Williamson just happened to be there.

The irony is that just this morning we both agreed that even with all the personal growth and forward movement I have made since the day I left that life behind, there are still some things that I’ve yet I to let go of despite my insistence I already have. But God is good, and I know I had to walk back into that house for a reason and He EVEN had my best friend with me to help me safely fall apart when we got back in the car. That is all.

HALO

I can see you running, running. Every night from the same darkness. It’s coming, coming. But you are not alone. If you just say the word, I’ll be there by your side. You make me more. You make me superhuman. And if you need me to I will save you. Send out the signal and I’ll fly low. If it means the death of me, I won’t let go. And if I’m lost in the worlds shadows I’ll use the light that comes to me from your halo. When you’re backed against the wall I could be the one who’s always there to break your fall. You are not alone. You’re the Sun. You’re the Day. The Light that guides me through. Never run, run away. I will save you. {Starset}

This morning, while I was boxing up the remnants of “The Frog & The Butterfly” festivities, I came across a forgotten note that our daughter Gia had written, unbeknownst to us, evidently in preparation for the possibility that she, as my maiden of honor, would have to give a speech at the reception. When a friend of ours had informed her that she may indeed have to say a little something, she was super excited and evidently more than par to the task. However, as you can imagine, with all of the fast-paced excitement and shenanigans that morning, some of our plans went awry, and her speech never did happen.

Meanwhile, I found the note at the bottom of the little bag she had with her at the venue, and although I am so overwhelmingly disappointed that she never got to actually have her special moment that day, I now feel it is imperative that I share with you all what she wrote. Keep in mind that a week or so before she had come to me one afternoon with a barrage of “boot camp questions”, i.e.:

Mommy, so what did they did to you in there?” “What exactly happened? Did it hurt? Did you cry? Was it scary? Was it fun? Did they make you run or do jumping jacks? Since it’s called boot camp, were they dressed like soldiers?

Lol. And also, “Who exactly are the main people from Boot Camp, and are they going to be there on Sunday I hope? I always hear you talking about Jim and Elizabeth, and I know who Miss Dana is, and Mr. Mike, and the pretty lady at dinner with the baby at Mr. Mike’s house. But who else? Can you tell me their names?” I answered all her questions to the best of my ability, knowing NOTHING of this written speech until this morning (and I am typing it as-is, verbatim, misspellings and all) …

I don’t even know where to start. My mom has done soo much, to make shure her kids are happy, healthy, and most of all, loved. She is a hard worker, a great wife, an the absolute BEST mom. And when God put me on this earth, I must of been a very lucky baby to be put in the care and loving arms of my mom. Shes brave, loving, kind, sweet, forgiving, and always, always has warm loveing open arms to catch you if you fall. My mom is always there when you need her and even when you don’t. She comforts me when I am scared, gives me hugs when im sad, and helps me if I don’t understand. She has inspired me to be the best girl I can be and theres probably no one here in this room but me that knows what my mom and dad have gone through together. If my mom thought for just one minute, that me and Zack (my dad) didn’t click or absolutely love each other she wouldn’t have married him. But I loved him and I still love him to this day. My dad who even though he is my step dad he doesn’t call me his step daughter, he just calls me his daughter, nothing else no “step” is allowed. Even to his friends he says my “daugther”, my “daughter”, and before all of this happened, before she met my dad she was always sad. Then she whent to this thing called bootcamp and no one knows what they did to her in there but it was a miracle. So her bootcamp family, Jim carrol, and Elizabeth Carrol, david bishop, dana hamman, Jhon hoback, and all her bootcamp family, so many I can’t even name them all, all played a big part in the women my mom is today. So thank you all and mom I know you wont always be able to protect me but I want you to know I will always be your little girl. I love you momy. Thank you.

So, with that, please be blessed today and walk upright and proud in all that you do, give, and fight for on behalf of all the broken people who have walked through your doors (many who don’t even know they are broken, and even more who don’t take it seriously) in an attempt to make this effed up, crazy world that we live in a little bit nicer place, one “boot camper” at a time. If ever any of you find a shred of doubt within your hearts as to whether the work you are doing is “real or not real”, please read, then re-read this note and know that it came straight from the heart of an innocent little 10-year old girl whose still pure heart doesn’t quite know how to “not call it like she sees it”. And trust me, SHE’S SEEN IT! She is neither a celebrity, nor a paid spokesperson, and quite frankly still doesn’t know from Adam (or if she does know, doesn’t care) that Mommy’s “boot camp family” is now on TV. She’s just a kid who watched her “very sad” Mommy walked out the door to something called boot camp where a bunch of total strangers helped her come home four days later very HAPPY AND CHANGED and our lives have never been the same since! I have thanked you all before, and attempted to credit you at every possible turn with not just my personal testimony of words, but with a life well-lived that is living proof with which to credit you.

Before I walked into that place that on that “Wednesday that changed everything” seven years ago, I was anything but a “brave, loving, kind, sweet, forgiving, and always, always has warm loveing open arms to catch you if you fall” kind of girl. Well, scratch that. I was and always HAVE been that girl, it just took bunch of hearts like yours to help me pull my head out of my butt once and for all so that I could get the hell out of my own way and begin to LIVE! I love you all, and you know that. But the words right here from my daughter? The most POWERFUL “Life Enrichment Boot Camp” testimony of all! THIS HERE FOLKS IS REAL FOKS, and “real” means everything to me these days! Her precious words are as authentic as it gets. Thank you for everything you’ve given me and all the things THIS little boot camp “survivor by default” is going to be as a result of the women you helped her momma become! That is all.

Son,

Although I didn’t make a big deal today when you mentioned how much you loved this song, an actual chill ran down my spine and across my skin when you told me and just can’t say it enough! That song has so much meaning to me and I listened to it when I was at The Meadows the day before I came home. It was as though God Himself needed me to hear it so I could start to understand the way my own mind and heart were truly broken and sick. Believe it or not that song played a huge part in my ultimate decision to once and finally turn my life inside out and somehow attempt to rise above myself.

There’s a game life plays, makes you think you’re every thing they ever said you were.

You see, that’s how I got sick! The constant criticisms from grandma and grandpa, MY VERY OWN PARENTS (who, although you never knew it, were very much like your own), and unfortunately even your Dad? Those were the three people in this world that I loved, trusted, and counted on the most to validate and protect me from harm, yet the only way any of them seemed to know how to “love”, “accept”, or “validate” anyone was based on certain conditions being met. “If you do this you are bad, but if you don’t do that you are good!” “If you don’t follow our advice and do exactly as we say then we will wash our hands of and be done with you.” Seriously? IT’S SO FUCKING SCREWED UP! That’s not how love is supposed to work at all. If you really love someone, you just love them with no strings attached and no contingencies.

Was it life I betrayed for the shape that I’m in?

You and me Christian? We are BOTH our own worst enemies! Because we have both heard over and over and over again the “love you/hate you, you’re good/no, you’re bad” messages, now they play as negative tapes rolling repeatedly in the back of our minds such that neither of us know who the fuck we are anymore!

We sold our souls to their “works and deeds based affections” and the endless price tags they came with, and have now only failed ourselves by believing that “love” is only valueless bargaining chip people use to get what they want! And do you want to know what the saddest irony in all of this is? Somehow I believe that they do love me Christian, just as I believe they love you, too! None of them purposely set out to emotionally cripple or abuse us, but at the same time, even to this day they neither recognize or account for any of it! They all learned how to love from their own toxic family webs, so the Venom suit lives on! Your job now (as was mine the time I first heard this) is to “take some time and clear away everything you’ve planned”.

You have to retrain your brain and teach it to be kinder to YOU! We are surrounded by all these people Christian, who “love us the most in this world”, yet only with conditions. Love is not supposed to be this way, and it’s why you’re so mean to yourself Christian. You’ve been told so many times that “you’re a fuck up, a moron and a loser ” (but then five minutes later, “no, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean that”), that you literally don’t know who or WHAT you really are other than to say to yourself that you are “probably more bad than good”.

If I could change my life, be a simple kind of man, try to do the best I can. If I could see the signs, I’d derail every path I could. Now I’m about to die, won’t you clear away a path, give me strength to fly away.

You see, this is the part of the song! I knew it was going to hurt everyone, and most especially you and your sister, and that it also might cost me everything. But I truly was “about to die” if I couldn’t find that strength to clear my own path and finally “fly away”, so I had to make a choice. If I had done “the good, right, and unselfish thing” that your grandparents and dad kept guilting me towards and stayed in that toxic cycle with your dad, not only would it have ended up literally physically killing me, but sooner or later it would have irreparably damaged both my kids. So, I had to choose the lesser of two evils. I had to be “selfish”, choose ME, turn my life inside out, and therefore in my mind clear a better path for you and Gia.

Christian, I’m so glad you are seemingly opening your eyes to yourself and how you have became so angry, cynical, and untrusting. I’ve been praying to God every night since I left that house that some day you would understand why I had to leave! I don’t want either you or your sister somehow becoming me at age 40 and being hauled off to a facility with nothing but “wasted years” behind you. If I’d have known, understood, or realized even a shred of “me” at your age, 21, well who knows what could have been, right? The point is I don’t want you to spend too many more years being angry, broken and despising yourself. YOU’VE TORTURED YOURSELF ENOUGH! You have to find a way get out of your own way now and put down some of that heavy stuff so that you don’t end up driving yourself either crazy, dead, or ALONE! And I’m sorry for this “wall” of a text message but I love you so much and every day that goes by I believe you are getting closer to rising above yourself, too, and leading a happy and peace-filled existence. You and I have both learned the very hard way by now that life is too damn precious and fragile. No more “Wasted Years”, okay?

~ “BMITW”

WASTED YEARS

There’s a game life plays – makes you think you’re everything they ever said you were. I’d like to take some time to clear away everything I’ve planned. Was it life I’ve betrayed for the shape that I’m in? It’s not hard to fail, it’s not easy to win. Did I drink too much? Did I disappear? Well there’s nothing that’s left but wasted years. There’s nothing left but wasted years. If I could change my life I’d be a simple kind of man try to do the best I can. If I could take the sides, I’d derail every path I could. I’m about to die, won’t you clear away from me and give me strength to fly away? Was it life I’ve betrayed for the shape that I’m in? It’s not hard to fail, it’s not easy to win. Did I drink too much? Did I disappear? Well there’s nothing that’s left but wasted years. {Cold}

… because “THERE” is where HE wanted to go!

It’s no big secret to anyone who knows us that when Zack and I first got married at our friends’ home in Sachse, Texas, on November 1, 2010, not only were we broke, but we were also actually in arrears. My wedding gift to him? A beaten down, mentally challenged, badly disfigured “not quite employable” ME with over $30K in debt, a car I couldn’t afford, two kids, and a father who HATED him”. So, our “honeymoon” that night of our theatre room marriage was a trip through a drive-through and him carrying me over the threshold of our “palace”! It wasn’t until now, after a full year has passed, and due largely in part to the financial contributions of the only real “father” he’d ever known, Rick Scauzillo, that we were finally able to take our much-deserved honeymoon.

When we first started talking about where we wanted to go, it was his idea to take me back to New England so that he could see that beloved place I was once lucky enough to call home. It meant the absolute world to me that not only did he want to take me there, but even more so that he absolutely loved it! We flew into Boston and rented a car, then drove all the way to the tip of Maine and back down the coastline that eventually landed us in Providence. He truly “wanted to see it all and not leave anything out”, so that is what we did! Though we were still not off the ledge of “pretty much kinda broke” it was one of the richest times of our lives!

Dear Zack,

Okay so hi it’s me, your very best friend in the whole entire world, writing you this letter from deep inside this Level One fucking psychiatric hospital I am all locked up in. Remember me? Oh good then. So, how you doin’?

So let’s see. Um, this place is not at all what I thought it would be. Actually, I’m not quite sure what I thought, but whatever it was, this is SO not it. There are about 80 people here right now. Half boys, half girls. Um, yah, the “red tag boys” are all sex addicts. Ten of them, ages about 22 to 65. Creepy much? Of the women, um, let’s see. About 20 alcoholics, 10 drug addicts, 6 sexually traumatized by their fathers and/or grandfathers … oh, 4 sex addicted women. There are a fair amount, actually, 95%, that are being so beyond medicated that they’re walking around in a fucking daze. Then there’s me. As far as I know at this point I’m the only person here who is not being medicated with mental stuff. They have me taking some throat stuff to strengthen the tissues in my throat, which, by the way, is beyond fucked again. I was told by the staff physician this morning that since I am now on my second round of esophageal issues, especially being so close, that it is only a matter of time if I don’t stop this that I could really end up with cancer. They found something called a “Barret’s Ring” yesterday which from what I can decipher is a light pink tissue somewhere near the top of my throat which are basically pre-cancerous cells. That was pretty fucking scary news and of course, I have no internet access, so I can’t even Google to see if this is serious or not. The doctor says I will need to have this addressed when I get home. Other than that, I’m in good shape. My EKG came back today and was within normal range, although I did have a slight arrhythmia again. They’re trying to say that it could be due to a lack of potassium, I think they said, because I’ve not been eating well lately. They’re gonna scan me every week that I’m here to monitor it.

Anyhoo … So how’s my Zack? Exceedingly well I hope. Gosh, I so know that with your ADD you can’t have a 19-page long letter. But, but, but I have so much to fucking say. So, I don’t want to dwell too much on you, or my feelings for you. And truthfully, I have been able to somewhat put you out of my mind since I’ve been here. Except for something that has kind of been happening here. Well, let me explain. So, this place I am at is somewhat of a “ranch” style complex. We are in the middle of a dessert-type landscape but surrounded by an absolutely gorgeous mountain range. Right below our facility is a horse ranch that is not associated with The Meadows. Every day, several times, I walk to the back side of this one building so that as I’m looking over the railing, I watch the horses directly below. So now, this ranch has three large “pens” in the center which is divided into three equal parts. Looking down, all you see is the overall “square” of the pen, which is probably a half an acre in diameter, and within the square you can barely see the two fences that run down the middle and thus divide the square into 3 equal parts. Within each of the three parts are many different horses, all divided. So the first day I was here and coherent, I found the back ledge of the building and stood out there watching the penned horses for what seemed like forever. The middle pen and the right pen side … There are these two horses, one in each pen. I watched them very closely and noticed, very quickly, that they are in love with each other. Very much so. All day long, every day, whenever I go out there to stand and watch them … they are closely bonded and inseparable. They just stand there all day, right beside each other, but the fence separates them. They nuzzle, and talk, touch noses. Often they’ll run up and down the length of the fence together and “play”. They are happy together but separate. You can clearly see that these two creatures were made just for each other, but their “circumstances” have them in their own separate spaces. Oh my God, Zack, they won’t even leave each other to eat or drink for too long. As soon as they are both evidently desperate to eat, they walk away for as short a time as they can then hit the fence together as soon as their legs can get them there. It’s so fucking beautiful. It’s so fucking sad. It’s you and me. Well, at least that’s how I see it. There are really no words to describe how profound this experience has been for me. I guess you’d have to see it to understand. So then, Z, between “the horses” and your shirt, yah, so I guess I do think about you every single day then.

Well Baby Boy, guess it’s that time. Don’t want to bombard you with way too many words. It’s so not fucking fair to you at all. I’m about to go back out to the horses now. Who knows, maybe those two new friends of mine, Oh my God, those two magnificent creatures, will somehow show me the way to how exactly I’m going to have to let you go one day, and give you to someone else. That’s not to say, for the record, that I believe in any way that you are mine to give. I do not wish to own or “possess” you in any way, shape, or form. I’m speaking of what matters in my heart … you know, I know … that kind of “giving you away”! So, I love you Zack. Always.

~ Cat

Yes, it’s true. I really have become a princess. But what if I was meant to be a QUEEN Why don’t I trust him? Why don’t I trust this? Why do I constantly challenge every little thing he says and does? Why does he give all these extraordinarily beautiful things to me? What does it mean? What’s it all for? Why can’t I follow him? WHY WON’T HE LEAD ME? Why can’t I fucking believe in him? Why can’t I let him touch me? I mean really, really touch me. Why am I so afraid for him to see the real me? The angels are here for me just waiting beneath my broken wings. Or maybe they’re the ones making my wings keep moving. I do have vision. I do have my sight. I do want perfection – perfectly imperfect and RIGHT! I cannot keep lying, regardless of my shame, and I truly do admit that I am partly to blame. I care no more. I CAN BEAR NO MORE! I’ll say no more. I can’t give him anymore. I QUESTION EVERYTHING!

QUESTION EVERYTHING

She was a princess; she could’ve been a queen. She had the angels beneath her broken wings. She had the vision; she had the sight. She wants perfection, she wants it right. Who cares anymore, what’s right anymore. (I question everything) I won’t lie, I’ve never been ashamed. I don’t mind admitting I’m to blame. I care no more; I can bear no more. I’ll say no more, I can’t give you anymore. (I question everything) He lives in darkness, there is no progress. He knows the demons, the lie within him. He has no vision; he has no sight. He hates perfection, it wasn’t right. Who cares anymore, who’s there anymore. (I question everything). I won’t lie, I’ve never been ashamed. I don’t mind, admitting I’m to blame. I care no more; I can’t bear no more. {Five Finger Death Punch}

DETERIORATE

Time has had its way with me … My broken, tired hands can’t build a thing. The wires that have held me still embedded now in flesh, define my will. The idle of my days has won, the empty I have fed has made me numb. Despite what you will find in me, the failures of my past still swell beneath. I need a heart that carries on through the pain when the walls start collapsing again. Give me a soul that never ceases to follow despite the infection within. Our careless feet leaving trails, never minding the fragile dirt we all end in. This is where I find my fall … The cares that held me life don’t work at all. And every step away from here is closer to the plague I hold so dear.  Awaiting my end … Breathing in the day that finds me new … Redemption begins, bleeding out the flaws in place of You. {Demon Hunter}

The months that followed his death are a blur to me. I soon returned home to my parents’ house, where I spent the majority of my time either locked inside my room or just moping around feeling sorry for myself. I was so angry at God and couldn’t believe He would let this happen! I’d figured that by then He’d have known I’d had enough already and was willing to just let me be.

It wasn’t long before I realized that as a Christian I had to accept this as part of His plan, however much I disagreed with it. It was my son, once again, now six years old and wise beyond his tender years for all that he had already been through, who gently reminded me one morning while sitting out front of Mom and Dad’s house setting free some butterflies that we had grown from a kit, that …

Mommy? Mitch is like a butterfly now, right?  He got his wings and flew home?

Yes, son, he did. He grew his wings and flew back home. But we’re gonna be alright, I promise.

FACE DOWN

Something has changed in me, and I can’t believe ten years have gone by since I’ve felt alive. When I was a child, I can remember everything so well. But now that I’ve asked, I find, who am I? Watching the sky and praying for rain to come and wash away the tears from my eyes and I’m down on my knees begging You please. Give me life – drown my darkness in smile make it all worth my while so that I can lay my head and rest facedown. Paint me a picture of all things oblivious now. I’ll show you the reasons to hate to hate. Pain by the fistful in a haze of being alright. Right on cue into my veins. Watching the sky, and I’m praying for rain to come and wash away the tears from my eyes and I’m down on my knees begging you please. Give me life – drown my darkness in smile make it all worth my while so that I can lay my head and rest face down in misery. Facedown in your memory. {The Leo Project}