The most terrible loneliness is not the kind that comes from being alone, but the kind that comes from being misunderstood. It is the loneliness of standing in a crowded room, surrounded by people who do not see you, who do not hear you, who do not know the true essence of who you are. And in that loneliness, you feel as though you are fading, disappearing into the background, until you are nothing more than a ghost, a shadow of your former self.
Much to the contrary, actually, so often in their loneliness, people really do feel as though they’re fading and disappearing into the background until they eventually reduce themselves to nothing more than the ghostly apparition of their former self because THEY abandon THEMSELVES! “The Task“, however, is for THEY to choose NOT TO!
With that, here’s me passing along yet another whack-a-doodle “song of myself” to you and your “ghost”. You know, that shadow of a person you’ve separated and hidden yourself away from for so, so very long now?
Do me a favor and read these words out loud to yourself as though a friend or loved one were speaking them. Sounds silly, right? WHO CARES? Just do it, please! HAVE this powerful conversation with yourself – NOW:
Speak of the devil, look who just walked into the room. The guilted and faded notion of someone I once knew. All the perfect moments are wrong. All the precious pieces are gone. Everything that mattered is just a city of dust covering both of us. So many silent sorrows you never hear from again, and now that you’ve lost tomorrow, is yesterday still a friend? All the bridges we built were burned. Not a single lesson was learned. Everything that mattered is just a city of dust covering both of us. Did you hide yourself away? I can’t see you anymore. Did you eclipse another day? I used to wake up to the color of your soul. Did you hide yourself away? Are you living through the ghost? Did you finally find a place above the shadows so the world will never know? The world will never know you like I do.
So? How’d it go? How did hearing those words “from you to you” make you feel? Pray GOD they made you feel some kind of way, but more so than anything, here’s hoping “you and you” can finally find a place to reconnect far above the shadows of a world that will never know you like YOU do! Pretty deep, huh? But do you understand what mommy is saying? Ghosts aren’t always so scary, by the way … especially when it’s the ghost of YOU!
Oh, and one last thing …
This epic song was released eleven years ago today via the birth of its mother, “Amaryllis“, which, too, is an entire song of myself, “The Queen Of The Night“!
Grandma and grandpa painted a picture of 65 years in one little house. More than a memory … more than saying “I do” … kiss you goodnights and “I love yous”. Me and you, baby, we’ll walk in their footsteps … build our own family one day at a time. And we’ll build this love from the ground up. Now ’til forever, it’s all of me, all of you. Just take my hand, and I’ll be the man your dad hoped that I’d be.
Meanwhile, here’s hoping and praying that they don’t walk in any of our jacked up footsteps and they carve out much healthier paths and futures for themselves and their babies than any of us ever did!
Also? I don’t think they’ll be staying in this “one little house” for 65 years, because I’m gonna make them sell it exactly two years from closing yesterday, then build one more, then maybe ONE more before the sales comps in their still growing small north Texas town blow up after the interstate finally cuts through it in 2030! This realtor momma is gonna make them millionaires playing real life Monopoly trading little green houses for a red hotel within ten years flat!
I bet you didn’t know that there is actually such a thing as “World Puppetry Day“, now didja? Congrats, my friend! NOW YOU KNOW! With that, let’s talk about the most puppet-y of all puppets in the history of mankind … YOU … and how releasing yourself from the toxic strings you keep yourself tethered to and the death of your own ego will be the beginning of your entirely new and improved REAL life!
But, Cat? How? HOW do I free myself from MY strings?
(… said no one ever!)
I’m so glad you asked, lol! Here are a few good starting places:
Stop Getting Offended!
[SEE ALSO: “Agreement No. 2“!] Don’t let small things upset you, because not only are other people’s boneheaded words and deeds not worth all the stress, you don’t have to spend your energy on them! KNOW YOUR WORTH, “add some tax”, and don’t you waste a minute of your most precious commodity of all, TIME, on anyone else’s bullshit!
Master YourSELF!
Drop that superiority complex, rock star! In my humble opinion, the most effective leadership style of all is in striving to just be better than you were yesterday, not better than anyone else today or tomorrow. Only YOU should be your competition … no one else!
You … Are NOT … Your “Accomplishments”!
Don’t get me wrong. Of course, success is important, but it doesn’t and shouldn’t define you as a person. So, know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em, give yourself way more credit for all the little things you achieve, and know when to stop reaching for “more”.
Winning Isn’t Everything!
You can’t always win, and that’s okay, but more so than that, sometimes losing is winning! Don’t let your quest to be the best at everything affect your self-worth. You’re not always gonna be the best … or the fastest … or the smartest … or the anything-est. (Wait! Is that a word? Well! It is now, right?) Run your race at your own pace, no one else’s! You’ll get there when you’re supposed to!
You’re Not Always Right!
Let go of the need to always be right. It’s okay to let others win.
LET GO OF CONTROL!
“God grant you the serenity to accept the things you cannot change, the courage to change the things you can, and the wisdom to know the difference!”
Enough said? Capeesh! And that, my friends, is where we end. So, grab a pair of scissors PRONTO and just STOP making yourself dance around like a monkey in a shit show!
Okay, so I lied. There aren’t just “32 Sketches” in both my closet and in my mind, there are actually quite more than 32. This one is called “Where Torment Looms”, Circa 1990. I vividly remember sitting at the kitchen table of my campus apartment when I sketched it while listening to a good ole fashioned Iron Maiden cassette in a boombox over and over and over! “Can I Play With Madness“, one of my top three favorite songs from their Seventh Son of A Seventh Son album (alongside Infinite Dreams and Moonchild) was born this day 37 years ago, by the way!
Am I Pablo Picasso? Nope. I’m I Salvador Dali? Once again, that would be a NOPE! Does this picture clearly embody the torment looming in the cobwebs of my soul which was par for my course during that season of my life? Umm … THAT would be a yes!
Yet, I sit here gazing at it 33 years later, it’s not just torment I see looming in my just beginning to “beautifully break” mind.
How little did I know that almost three decades later I’d look back and find the crystal ball just glowing like the Sun smack dab in the middle of the madman’s “diary” and how that ‘lil burst of yellow would divinely punctuate my story!
If only I’d known that one day I’d look back and find the crystal ball glowing like the Sun hiding in plain sight smack dab in the middle of the madman’s “diary” and how that ‘lil burst of yellow would divinely punctuate my story!
The late, great, possibly insane, and beloved to me Franz Kafka once said:
By believing passionately in something that still does not exist, we create it!
So yes, INDEED it is true that being delusional absolutely IS necessary! We cannot survive this bullshit “reality” otherwise!
Meanwhile, another MAD ‘lil Hatter I have always adored is the personification of the chaos and confusion in not just Wonderland, but life in general. His often nonsensical if not satirical commentary and roller coaster riddles with absolutely no answers IS often the answer to the topsy-turvy world that both Alice and myself exist in.
He said,
“Have I gone mad?”,
to which Alice replied,
“I’m afraid so. You’re entirely bonkers!But I’ll tell you a secret …ALL the best people are!”
So far as I can tell, all the best people I’ve ever been lucky enough to know are bat shit effing MASTERPIECES of insanity standing in the darkness but touched with the MOST beautiful light a human soul could ever be litten with. Wait! “Litten”? Is that even a word! Welp! IT IS NOW, BITCHES!
… because if only you knew how long it took me to finally embrace this beautifully broken angel living inside my heart who didn’t think she was “lovable” for just under forty years, you’d understand why I carry this picture of her in my wallet, displayed in my bedroom, bathroom, and office, and in an utmost place of honor (just below the God who made me) in the most sacred temple I frequent: MY MIND!
For I am fearfully and wonderfully made!
(Psalm 139:14)
Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness.
(Colossians 3:12)
Wherever there is a human being, there is an opportunity for a kindness.
“I get to love you! It’s the best thing that I’ll ever do! I get to love you! It’s a promise I’m making to you! Whatever may come, your heart I will choose! Forever I’m yours! Forever I do! I GET TO LOVE YOU!”
(Ruelle … and ME!)
Call it insanity. Call it pure vanity. Call it an over-inflated if not a narcissistic and conceited ego the size of eternity. If she was good enough for God to speak into Creation so “fearfully and wonderfully made” and good enough for His Son, Jesus, to die for, then she’s good enough for me to plaster pictures of on my heart and in my home. And please don’t confuse the aforementioned “narcissism” with healthy narcissism. Appropriate levels self-love, regard, confidence, and sufficiency while remaining humble enough to conceptualize just how “powerfully insignificant” our places are in all of this is one of the benchmarks for human survival. If we don’t think highly enough of ourselves, why even bother attempting to fight our way to sur-THRIVE-al?
“Reparenting.” It’s everything! The first day in your adult life that you’re able to show that broken kid you once were (or the kid you never got to be) some empathy, grace, unconditional love, and compassion, will be the first day of the rest of your life. I call “that day” my second birthday, and yes, my friends, I remember exactly where I was when I began the reparenting of “younger me”. It was April 8, 2008, and it truly was the beginning of who I’ve become.
… meanwhile, ten years and one FU€KED up beyond all human conception trauma tragedies later, one would THINK that this mindset of mine from WAY back then would have changed or somehow been jaded.
Nah!
Have ya MET me?
I still very much believe that this hamster ball Ferris wheel, circus clown life I “get” to live – dark as it ever may be at times – was fashioned this way for a much bigger purpose and picture than perhaps I will ever truly know.
Every ending really IS a beginning!
Everything past really IS the future!
And yes, it’s still true that I wouldn’t change a SINGLE fu€king thing.
Thank you, Keanu, for breaking this whole “love” thing down for us on this of all the “Love Is” days! You truly are “Love Incarnate” and so are your beautiful words. Here’s hoping that my prayers have as I truly believe been answered and that both of my babies have found their forever homes in this space.
A very twisted and cynical, albeit spot on accurate clown once said:
If people treat you like an option, LEAVE THEM like a choice!
I couldn’t agree with you more, Joker! I couldn’t agree more! And while, yes, indeed, we should all strive to accept people justas they are … good, bad, or indifferent … for GOD’S sake we must also remember to place people where they belong in our lives, which (ps) is NOT always under the protection of our umbrella. You see, in case you didn’t know already on this “National Umbrella Day“, having an umbrella during a rainstorm is a privilege that not everyone deserves. Just sayin’ …
The back story on this song is about a miscarriage my ex and I went through before I got sober. The loss of our son Jude after 7 months of pregnancy was so devastating it sent me into an alcoholic & drug spiral that lasted a year ending with an overdose and me finally getting help from 12 step anonymous programs. For many years I carried the guilt and remorse wondering if I had done thing differently would the outcome had changed. Eventually through recovery and therapy I came to accept and make peace with the loss. Many times when late term miscarriages occur we rightfully attend to the mothers & pour over them all the compassion and care we have to offer. My story is one of the devastated father. The men who lose their son’s & daughters before they ever get to know them. My prayers are with anyone who is has or will experience this soul crushing loss. It does gets better. When we share our pain we divide it. When we share our joy it multiplies.
Ten minutes later, and not less than two minutes before I delivered her, my mother found her way to my room. There she stood holding my right hand, while Pete was holding my left, when Gina Marie, our precious baby girl graced us with her brief but powerful presence. She was 9 inches long and weighed just over a pound. The few hours she lived were the longest of my life, and there are no words to describe my anguish. The baby I had prayed desperately for on my literal hands and knees had been cruelly ripped from my womb and now I held her broken little body in my arms. She kept trying to hold on to my finger, but her tiny hand was too small to grasp it. I couldn’t take my eyes off her as I helplessly watched her gasping for air and struggling to live, then watched her take her very last breath. I struggled for so long to find a single good thing that came from all that heartache and trauma, as it is something I will truly never understand, but what I can tell you is that there in that otherwise frigid hospital room, racked with grief and agony in my very darkest of hours, I had never felt so truly loved. How blessed was I to be surrounded by all the people I loved and cared for the most and who loved me in all the best ways they knew how? My husband, who after all he went through to bring that little girl into my life, and who despite my best efforts to push him away never once in our lifetime together at that point had ever physically left my side. My father, who despite his shortcomings, seemed to love me in the best way he knew how, and despite our many battles, I know would have traded his life for my daughter’s in that moment. My sister and one true and unconditional rock, there at the foot of my bed on her hands and knees sobbing inconsolably for the indescribable pain that I was in, that if she could have, I know she would have taken from me. And, of course, my beautiful mother who has loved me all the days of my life and I was blessed to have standing beside me when each of my children came into this world, and then again when one of them left it.
It’s called “The Mathematics Of Faith”, and it’s factored by strength, fortitude, and resilience” … the total sum of which is always “LOVE” … be it love for one another or the love we’re commanded to have for ourselves by the God that gifted us to one another in the first place) no matter how short or long our seasons). Perhaps the best part of this ‘lil quotient is that you don’t have be a genius to figure it out! As a matter of fact, as far as faith and most matters of the heart are concerned, the deafer and dumber you are, the better!
Fast forward to today and everything I’m feeling as I revel in the victory of powering through what would have been her 21st birthday had she not moved on to The Brighter Side Of Grey so quickly. Grieving not just my tiny angel, but my husband and so many others I’ve lost along the way has been difficult, of course, but more so than that, the utmost and highest privilege of my life. Why is that, you ask? Because it means I “got” to love them in the first place. Their deaths remain “nothing at all“.
My prayer for all of you beautiful warriors out there is to keep on carrying on and let nothing and no one take that crown from your head or steal your faith. As for me? Although losing a child of my own flesh and blood (no matter her age or how fleeting the hours I had with her) is something I would never wish upon another parent, what I can tell you is this …
You have to let go of the need for black and white proof, walk through all the grey and fear blindly, and trust the process. It’s scary, I know, but the fruits of the immense amount of courage it takes to stop trying to make sense of certain things are infinite. I PROMISE!
So, with that … “Got bullshit“? I’LL SEE IT! And once I see in you what you may not even be able to see in yourself, I will NEVER be able to unsee it! So, I’ll “good goodbye” your way to the door, shake my head, and move along! It’s what my people do!
… and thus another 365 days are now waiting ahead to take us ALL back around the The Sun again, God willing. To know me well is to know that I am TRULY in love with every minute of every day that I “get” to partake in this bittersweet, beautiful, shit show of a fucking CIRCUS we call life. Some may find me morbid, macabre, pessimistic, “doom and gloom”, or obsessed with the thought of Death. I am not. Quite the contrary, actually – BUT – I am a stoic … and a realist … and if dancing with “Death” has gifted me anything, it’s my absolute peace with and understanding about the brevity of mere existence. So, with that, as you begin what will hopefully prove to be YOUR next beautiful trip around our that fiery girl in the sky … “MEMENTO MORI”: Remember that you have to die. Let my words and my story be a sobering, LIFE-long reminder to make each of the 86,400 seconds of your next 365 days REALLY count. Live today, not tomorrow, because unless you’re God or an immortal jellyfish, tomorrow isn’t promised. “… and if you see me losing faith in what it means to die, don’t let me leave before I know what lies behind the stained-glass doors. Save sorrow for the souls in doubt. Bleed every care out.”
Look, I dunno who needs to know this right now, but 87 years ago today, a Maestro of magnanimous proportion was born. His food for thought is not just for the ages, but also nothing short of IMPECCABLE! I’m not gonna lie, but over the last year or two of really delving in to the “Hopkins” of it all, he has fast become one of the very few people I’d truly love to sit down and eat cereal with.
Here’s hoping that at least one person who’s snacking on this ‘lil last day of the year nugget of mine will tuck at least a few of your words of wisdom near the forefront of their mind as they welcome in an epic New Year!
In the meantime, CAN I? Can I get that “100” in the comments from at least one person here who’s part of the 0.01% who actually finished what they started when they pressed play?
“Behold, I have undertaken to speak to the Lord, I who am but dust and ashes.”
(Genesis 18:27)
… and so, with that, in case you didn’t know:
You
Are
AMAZING!
Yes, I know I’ve been kind of missing in action lately. There are a lot of changes happening here in my world and I’ve been immersed in some very heavy tasks at hand. More to come on that, I promise, BUT, in the meantime …
No matter who you are … no matter what you do … and regardless of who in this world either believes or doesn’t believe that YOU are a gift to the world straight from Heaven, never forget that you’re made of STAR-STUFF and NEVER allow yourself to take YOU for granted! As a matter of fact, the next time you walk out of your house, I challenge you to scream out loud to the world and to The Cosmos:
Yah! That’s right! I’m Jean-Claude Van DAMN fucking MAGICAL, people! So, either love me OR choke on my STARdust!
While I’ve known long well that I’m filled with “love and Light” such that this video isn’t really that shocking to me, it is, indeed PROOF of my “POOF“! It is my truest hope that this video clip by Dr. Gabriela Fuchsliterally blows your mind and teaches you something powerful about yourself today! It’s important that you know what’s inside of you:
Let me know what you think in the comments please, and don’t forget to remember that you’re AMAZING! HEAVEN is LITERALLY in you! Oh, and by the way, although I made this astonishing discovery back in August and posted it on my Instagram, it’s being posted here in the Diary at 6:20am in honor of the exact moment the James Webb Space Telescope was launched four years ago today. What an epic Christmas gift to us all … especially those of you who didn’t already know that you’re literally a “ROCK STAR”!
I once heard it said that the real ride or die is your first born who got the unhealed, inexperienced version of you. The one who stuck with you through it all. The one who saved you in more ways then they’ll ever understand. Nothing could be further from the truth! Then you look back at pictures of them when they were younger and just cry your effing eyes out because you didn’t really get to enjoy their childhood the way you wish you could have because you were in survival mode.
Been there! DONE THAT!
But guess what, folks? Our kiddos are more forgiving then we think. Dare I say that more often than not they forgive our many trespasses against them, whether or not they were intentional, much too quickly. Yes, they saw our tempers. Yes, they experienced our frustrations and lack of patience. Yes, for all the things we were trying to hard to teach them, they were sent here to teach us, too. After all, this parenting gig didn’t really come with an instruction manual, now, did it?
The privilege of a lifetime is to become who you truly are.
(Carl Jung)
One year ago today, a brave Canadian woman released a love letter of forgiveness to her parents in the form of one of the most truly bittersweet songs I’ve ever heard. Since then, it’s become a moving and emotional part of many of our adult healing journeys with our own parents, and for me, has also become a soliloquy. The powerful words ebb and flow the “circadian” of a relationship with my parents, as well the relationship with my kids.
In the meantime, thank you, Papa, for allowing me the utmost honor and privilege of allowing them to become who they are and not what I or the world tries to tell them to be. If only every child were so lucky, well, then who knows what this world we live in would look like. Hell, who knows what I would have ended up looking like?
And to my dear Mama? It took some time and a lot of self-reflection, but I think I finally got your message. I “see you” now and I love you.
And to my kids? My prayer is always that I didn’t shatter you both irreparably before it was too late to see the error in all my formerly broken ways. Indeed, it is true that I love this hard because of both of you, and while we all know that it’s impossible to go back and change a single thing, this journey I’ve been on has only ever been so that one day when you’re walking in my shoes you’ll pass along at least some of my lessons. Neverthless, I remain … “bulletproof”, thankful, and filled with power and grace. If you ever wonder why I’m bulletproof, it’s ALL because of you. Pray God you’ll one day realize that my goal in this life was only ever to protect and bulletproof you in a world that can be so cruel. I love you to The Moon and back.
Mama? Who would let you down? Who made you think you weren’t enough and filled your soul with doubt? And Dad I needed you around, but what you needed was some space to figure yourself out. Would you go back and do it the same? Did regret make you wanna change? Misunderstood … under appreciated … but did you know I love this hard because of you and I’ve been learnin’ it’s a journey, as I’m walkin’ in your shoes. I’ll pass along all of your lessons. Took some time, but I got your message. If you ever wonder why I’m bulletproof … it’s all because of you.
Oh, I wish that I could say I was the picture perfect sister when you needed me. And we might see it differently, but now we’re old enough to know that we both made mistakes. I’d go back and do it the same. Guess I’m good at takin’ the blame. Misunderstood … under appreciated … but did you know I love this hard because of you and I’ve been learnin’ it’s a journey as I’m walkin’ in your shoes. I’ll pass along all of your lessons. Took some time but I got your message. If you ever wonder why I’m bulletproof, it’s all because of you. Pray God you’ll one day realize that my goal in this life was only to protect and bulletproof you both in a world that can be so cruel.
Twenty-seven years ago today, this most powerful movie of so many of our lifetimes was released by Castlerock Entertainment. Meanwhile, I once heard it said that people start to heal the moment they feel heard. While I do tend to agree, I also very much believe that people start to heal the moment they are “seen and acknowledged” without having truly been “heard” because their pain and suffering are buried so deeply beneath the fortress they’ve built around their own heart that they can’t even say the words that need to be “heard” to begin their healing.
Take this scene, for example, which for the record, still brings me to tears every time:
Will walks in on a heated argument between Sean and Lambeau over Will’s potential. Lambeau leaves, and Sean and Will talk and it comes to light that they were both victims of child abuse. Sean helps him see that he is a victim of his own inner demons and to accept that it is not his fault, causing him to break down in tears in Sean’s arms. Will accepts one of the job offers arranged by Lambeau. Having helped Will manage his problems, Sean reconciles with Lambeau, deciding to take a sabbatical.
And so, with that, this is me saying to anyone reading this right now who desperately needs to hear this:
No, it WASN’T your fault!
Until the day comes when you finally allow yourself to believe it, I’ll pray you find the courage to step outside your fortress walls and rise above the demons that are holding you hostage inside your own heart.
Experience! Experience it all! I found a risk worth taking. Right or wrong, it’s my line to cross! Experience! Experience it all! I found a life worth living. I want to feel alive. I want to do more than just survive!
(Trapt)
Have I kinda, sorta stopped following this influencer? Yes. Yes, I have, because at least for the time being, I’m pissed off at him for some things I don’t really care to dig into here, especially given that because I don’t know him personally, I can’t really pass judgment on the rumblings I’ve heard in “the tribe”. Does that mean that the vast majority of words he’s spoken were wrong? No, it doesn’t … because he’s right! Are YOU experiencing it ALL, “all in”?
Just a friendly reminder that not everything “sparkly, shiny, charming, and beautiful” is a gift sent straight from Heaven. Sometimes those things are lessons and tests sent straight from HELL, and yes, some of us really miss the messages and fail the tests. Hi everyone! It’s me, CAT! Been there! Done that!
These days, I’m mostly only interested in the not so shiny, sparkly, shiny, charming and beautiful things this epic life has to offer me. I’m more of a trash to treasure girl, myself! Although, I must say I do love my diamonds. (Hey, a diamond has never hurt anyone, now, has it?) But I’ve digressed …
Remember …
Jesus strolled in slowly on a dirty, stinky donkey, He didn’t screech up on white horse or in a Lambo. Although, I do so love a super car! Wait! WHAT? But I’ve digressed AGAIN!
My point is this:
Be careful who amongst the sparkly, shiny, “angelic” people you let into your halo, ’cause “THEY WALK AMONG US“!
Just thought I’d share! Bye everyone, it’s me, “sometimes sparkly, sometimes shiny, but mostly kind of a trash can bandit with a halfway decent heart and soul” CAT!
How ironic is it that an influencer I follow and adore posted this today? In fact, it was the first thing I saw on my feed when I woke up in the aftermath of the awkward social conundrum I sadly had to cauterize last night:
… meanwhile, I make no apologies for protecting my space, my peace, and my mental health at all costs, not the least of which was a growing friendship with a very sweet and probably well intending stranger. While I don’t believe that she was intentionally disregarding my previously expressed desire for her to please just give me some time to go back and listen to her OVER 100 voice messages in my DM’s to no avail, the answer finally had to be NO! Just NO! A friend of mine actually posted these spot on, poignant words about “all of this”,
A problem rarely recognizes it’s the problem, and yet there we are stressing ourselves to the point of anxiety and sickness over it.
I mean, honestly, people? Could there be any truer truth? The amount of wisdom packed so tightly into that most impeccable of word groupings is astonishing!
In the meantime, if any of you are out there “well intendly and unawaredly” bombarding your friends and loved ones with message after message after message … STOP! When you do that, you are, indeed, entering them into a “social contract” of your design and benefit that they may not necessarily either want to be made party to or have the time, energy, or desire to look for an exit clause on. Just thought I’d share.
Oh, and on a side note … WHO is the epic celebrity influencer I had the pleasure of unexpectedly meeting today? Well, although I’m going to respect his request for me not to post the awesome pictures I got to take with him, CLICK HERE to see! For the record, this man is one of my very few “Lucky Charm” people who I’d most love to be able to sit down and eat a bowl of cereal with. Meeting him was, like, a hundred times infinity better than meeting even the most Lucky Charmiest of all people I’ve EVER had the pleasure to meet! Just thought I’d share! Bye everyone, it’s me, CAT!
Oh, but to be a queen at such a very young age. Fit her for a diamond encrusted tiaranow, my friends! This beautiful girl has got it! Am I right? By the way, what an absolutely phenomenal mother this beautiful little enigma is gonna be one day! Pray God.
Hey! All you moms of sons! I don’t know who amongst you needs to hear this right now, but these boys don’t “belong” to us forever:
That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh.
(Genesis 2:24)
The wisest of us know that if we’ve done our job right, we should be happy to not just let GO of the reins, but hand them right over then step aside for the new queen of the castle! Don’t be a thorn in the new queen’s side … HELP HER GROW A GARDEN (but only if, when, and HOW she asks)!
I once heard it said that,
A daughter is her mother’s entire heart existing outside her body. She is her strength and her dreams and a better human than she could have ever imagined. She is her light, her baby, her world.
(Unknown)
But what about a daughter-in-LAW? She is his mother’s entire HEART existing outside her body. She is his strength and his dreams and a better human than either he or his mother could have ever imagined for him. She is his light, his baby now, and his world (as it should be)! Now that I think of it, this same rule can apply to all you DADS out there, too. I of all people know exactly what it feels like when a father or even grandfather can’t cut the cord. Anyhoo …
Of course, we can only hope that our adult children will grow up to love, honor, respect, and include us in their lives, BUT, knowing where “we” end and “they” begin is the key! That movie “Monster-In-Law” was really cute and all, but, umm, what did we learn there, folks? We learned that if we don’t respect the loves of their lives’ rightful places in the kingdom, WE’RE GONNA GET OURSELVES BANISHED FROM IT! Screw that!
On January 31, 2013, I wrote these words on my Facebook page:
If you could carry a cross or a burden SO heavy at times that you thought it would actually kill you, would you do it if you knew that when you finally made it home where you could safely lay it down, you’d be thanking GOD on your hands and knees that He ever gave it to you in the first place, because now YOU can help someone else carry theirs?I say yes, laden me, God. If it was good enough for your Son, it’s good enough for me. Thank You for allowing me to be shattered and broken into so many tiny pieces, because now I am AWARE and PREPARED! I love You.
Thirteen years later (but hey, who’s counting, right?), I wrote THESE words here in The Diary:
… and if I was ever given the cosmic option to somehow go back and unbreak one single piece of my heart or uncarry all of the heavy things I’ve GOTTEN to carry, I can honestly say with every single shred of my beautifully shattered soul that I wouldn’t want to change a things. Besides, if it was good enough for Jesus, it really WAS good enough for me, too, and I’m thankful I was chosen to live this life. Lol. If only that “me” from 11 years ago today who was most likely sitting at the desktop in the tiny little “desk closet” in our one- bedroom PALACE (since I’m fairly certain I didn’t have an iPhone yet at that point) could see me know, she’d be SO fucking proud to see how far we’ve OVERcomethe burdens we’ve gotten to bear and how we NOW run headfirst into the storms instead of either running from or denying they exist. Hey, God? Thank You! No, really … THANK YOU! And hey, to my babies? This lightning’s gonna strike right through those hearts of yours again, ’cause this rain ain’t gonna stop, and you’ll feel every drop as they keep on dancing on your heads. But you gotta hold on … you gotta be strong … right here with me if it all goes wrong to keep you from harm … away in my arms … steer you away from the storm! When The Sun won’t come around and your world keeps washing out, I won’t let this love fall down. I’ll carry you. So, let’s run toward waiting lights, ’cause I know there’s better skies ahead. Sands through an hourglass … you’re floods are gonna pass … and we’ll still be standing, hand in hand! Love, Mom (“I’ll Carry Them“)
Feels like I’m standing on the edge of the platform now. Maybe somehow I’ll fall. Walking for miles, inside I know it’s true … this soul has holes like you do. And I watch the train get closer into the station. And I backed up just to get a running start to send me on a permanent vacation … a new destination. Sometimes the only way to save me is by making space for someone else. When I feel the world surround me, can I be the strength for someone else? Hey mister tell me can you hear me, ’cause I’m down and out … maybe just lost and found. And it’s crazy what I’m saying but I’m praying and I don’t know you but maybe you could just hear me out. And I watched the train get closer into the station. And I walked up to the doors and watched them part. And I met this man without a hesitation … a new destination … (Tommy Vext)
“We’re standing in the halo our greatest Hope! Right now, we know ourselves … but what do we REALLY know? That we were born with the right to have a sense of self and not have to deny all we’ve felt inside. Don’t tell us that we’re black or white, ’cause we won’t sell our souls to pretend! Now everything will be alright. We’ve made it through so many nights … and a mask will not be our end! We won’t be our own worst fear! We don’t wish to just disappear! It’s what America means to us … that we will NEVER be blind again!”
(Tommy Vext’s Words Adapted)
… and now, here we are, folks! It’s time to finally FIX this broken machine! Let’s just hope that the faith we’ve ALL put in him, regardless of our “color” – black, white, red, blue, PURPLE, and every other color in between – has NOT been blind!
Hey … “47”!
You’ll have 1,460 days to put all OUR money where YOUR mouth is! (But hey, who’s counting, right? Now, FIX IT! This is your MANDATE! Pray God.
A pluviophile is a person who enjoys rain and rainy days, and is fascinated by the sights and sounds of rain. Pluviophiles may find joy and peace of mind during rainy days, and may enjoy being outside regardless of the weather. They may also find comfort in listening to the rain hitting a window ledge, or enjoy the scent of rain on a road or freshly cut grass.
… and so, I wrote to her. My “sibling” who I do not know in this sisterhood of the most twisted, tragic, bittersweet, and almost ethereal bullshit sororities of all called “SHATTERED CHILDHOOD“:
My heart is in pieces for you. So, I’m what some people call a “pluviophile”, a person who revels in rainy, stormy, gloomy weather, and it IS literally like some twisted Heaven here in Dallas for me, right now with the skies in the full bloom of every shade of grey. I have long believed that the reason I feel most comfortable and “at home” this way is because it’s the sky’s way of helping me peacefully grieve for not just my “childhood”, but for EVERY other one of us (especially mothers) who are walking around with smiles on our faces despite it all, because not only do we “know what we know”, but we “KNOW what we know” and feel it for every broken child who does now or ever has existed. I’m hearing “The Irrepressible Shirt” right now. It’s my rain song. Much love to you, my friend. This is an awful, twisted, but also kind of beautiful sisterhood, is it not?
As a child being born in America used to mean a lot of things to me. It meant that I was born in a free country. That my voice mattered. That if I worked hard and did the right things and took responsibility for myself and my life situations, I could become anything I wanted. It meant that no matter who I was or where I came from if I did what was necessary to succeed that I could have a better life than the one I was handed. As a man I proved to myself this notion of the American dream to be a fact. Over the past several years foreign interests and toxic corporations have spent trillions of dollars trying to make you ashamed to move an American. This may have fooled some of our neighbors, friends & relatives but as a whole they could not convince us. We have an election in 3 days that will probably determine the fate of our country and if our democracy will convert fully to communism or be restored to the Republic we once knew. Maybe something even better. But you must go out and vote. Four years ago, my entire life, livelihood, reputation and career was destroyed because I exercised my God given right to vote for the President of the United States. Rights that my father, grandfather, cousins and ancestors fought to protect. I’m not here to tell anyone what to do or how to think. I’m just asking that if you believe in the spirit of the American dream that you go grab a friend or loved one and exercise your right to vote … millions of men died for us to have these rights. Use your voice. Cast your vote.
Sadly, I cannot tell you how many times I’ve been accused of seemingly “hating” America because of my grave disdain for what’s become of her values these days. NOTHING could be further from the truth:
I have long been thankful that I wasn’t born a man and have prayed incessantly for the men I’ve known and loved. Generally speaking, men are birthed to an existence wherein EVERYTHING is expected of them. The entire weight of EVERYONE’s world, including the weight of their own, is laden upon their shoulders from the cradle to the actual grave. Whereas, GENERALLY speaking, American women have choices. Society now allows us to be whoever we choose to be. Go to college, don’t go to college. Get married, don’t get married. Be a full-time wife and mother, opt to have a career, or both. We aren’t “expected” to be anything other than what we were created for, and yes, there IS a double standard.
WAKE UP AND SMELL THE TYRANNY, and for God’s sake, PLEASE get out there and VOTE! Win, lose, or draw … and whatever or WHOEVER you believe in … USE YOUR VOICE before you LOSE IT and SIGN YOUR NAME on the dotted line!
As for me and MY house? We’ll keep standing up for our girl, pissed at her as we may be, because we REFUSE to be COGS in a machine filled with broken apparatus!
Although this entry is being published today, I actually wrote it one year agotoday after having seen these most beautiful words of a friend of mine in tribute to both candy corn and her mother:
People hate on candy corn. It seems like I’m one of few who likes it… besides my mom and Josilyn. Candy corn is also something | hold near to my heart, and I’ll tell you why. Josilyn was 2 months shy of her second birthday when her MeMe, my mom, passed away. When Josilyn was about 6 months old my mom gave her a taste of candy corn. It became their thing. My mom kept candy corn year round and they’d eat it all the time. When my mom passed I was trying to think of something special to have at her memorial from Josilyn. I was frustrated because nothing was special enough, and I was running out of time. The day before the service I’d been running around crazy and when I got home I was just done. Then I saw Josilyn, she was sitting at the table with my niece, putting pieces of candy corn in a vase we’d been using to make arrangements with. That was it. I took her to the garden and she picked some daffodils. We put them in the vase and she filled it with the candy corn. Then we added a butterfly. She couldn’t write but I let her scribble on the card, which is signed from her “pretty girl”, cause that’s what mom called her. I still have it, five and a half years later. So anyway, you’ll never find me hating on candy corn. Plus I actually like eating it lol
… meanwhile, while combing the internet for the perfect picture of candy corn for this post today, I stumbled upon the coolest article ever about the history of candy corn:
Candy corn might be the most controversial Halloween candy. In our experience, people either love it or hate it—and we’re firmly in the “love it” category. We’re not the only ones eating candy corn by the handful: The National Retail Federation estimated that in 2019, 95% of holiday shoppers stocked up on the tri-color treat. Not to mention, it’s consistently the most popular Halloween candy in multiple states.
It’s not what we do with all the bittersweet, beautiful, and tragic bits and pieces of our life that defines either us or the “success” of how they land with the people in who are listening to us. It’s what others do with our stories and how they’re inspired to find a way to see all the Light lurking beneath the darkness and the beauty in things that might otherwise be considered “gross” … like CANDY CORN!
For the record, I love you, Christy Gail, and am so thankful for you and how your halo crossed paths with mine! If someone would have told me back in 2020 that the crazy little Fucker we both love about as much as I despise candy corn would be the catalyst that “bits and pieced” us together, I’d have laughed! But hey, what do I know, right? Enjoy your candle, by the way, and just “pretend” it’s nestled snuggly in the masterpiece of a handmade candy corn bowl you were supposed to be getting in the mail this week when you light it and think of your beautiful momma! As for me? I’ll be spending this “day of the candy corn” which is also my sixth anniversary without Zack being ever so powerfully graceful and GRATEFUL for the grief of losing him … because … it means I “got” to ever love him in the first place.
Grieving you and the story we didn’t get to finish the way we’d always planned totally sucks, by the way, but it’s also been a privilege and an honor. It means that I “got” to ever love you in the first place, and only God knows would or would NOT have become of me be it not for our season together. Alas, it was written in the stars that this is how it was always meant to be. What a twisted, bittersweet, ironical anomaly we were.
This hidden thing that you don’t see? They call them skeletons, but don’t be scared of them. ‘Cause you’re still you, and I’m still me. It’s all irrelevant. We ALL got skeletons!
If there’s one thing you should know about me, it’s that I REFUSE to keep my skeletons in the closet. You wanna see them? You betcha! In fact, not only will I open their cage if you really wanna meet them, I’ll personally make the introductions. I literally have nothing to hide anymore, and the very few “secrets” I still do keep under wraps are only being kept to protect my family … not me!
Yes, I’m flawed. I’ve made mistakes. I’ve said things I shouldn’t have. I’ve disappointed people. I’ve acted like an actual nut bag at times for failing to control my REAL and RAW emotions! Nope! You Jean Claude Van Damn will NOT find a perfect person here, and trust me when I say I have plenty to NOT be proud of! Do my anger and fleeting thoughts of retribution for those who have hurt me and mine scare me at times? Umm, you better fucking believe it, which is a large part of the reason I laugh and joke around so much. It keeps me humble and “regulated”. That being said, I’m beyond proud of the person I’ve become since not just OWNING and ACCOUNTING for the darkness I once kept hidden, I’ve made peace with ALL of it! Meanwhile, I once saw a quote that said,
If you could go back and fix all your mistakes, you’d completely erase yourself.
That was all l needed to hear, ’cause guess what? I frigging LOVE myself, ass backwards wretchedness, fails, blunders, and all! Far be it from me to rob the unsuspecting world from the privilege of getting to have me in it! Bye everyone, it’s me, CAT (and all my ‘lil demons)! HAPPY HALLOWEEN!
Honey, I just wanted to say thank you! This last 14 days have opened my eyes and I have so much more appreciation for all the things you do to make all our lives happen yet make it look effortless. Now I understand who you are as a woman even more than I already thought I did. I honestly didn’t get it until now. I love you, Catherine Williamson. Thank you for being my wife!
… then you fall back in love with him all over again and can’t even believe just how much you’ve been needing to have exact validation for going on 22 years. No, Zachariah … I love YOU … and I thank God for you “every day”!
On this day, 34 years ago, another Italian girl released a not so lovey love song to her father:
Oh, Father, you never wanted to live that way. You never wanted to hurt me. Why am I running away? Maybe someday when I look back I’ll be able to say you didn’t mean to be cruel. Somebody hurt you, too. You can’t hurt me now. I got away from you. I never thought I would. You can’t make me cry. You once had the power. I never felt so good about myself.
No. No, he didn’t deserve to go through the epic levels of BULLSHIT he went through at his “mother’s” hands. But then again, NEITHER DID I! Why, then, was I made to pay for HER sins? Why, then were we ALL?
I guess I never really needed all that self-loathing, guilt, and shame to bring me to my knees. Nor did I need all that food I used to chain-swallow then release back into oblivion to become the knife I used to pierce my own heart and cut myself open from the inside out as I sunk into the darkness where the light that should have been my “father’s” unconditional love for me was supposed to go.
Yes, I vividly remember all those nights I prayed on my hands and knees and begged GOD to help him stop being so FUCKING angry, because maybe if he had been happy, everything would have been okay. He was anger … and sadness … and toxicity … and terror. He chose to live in a darkness that swallowed us all alive.
Mind you, this is a “man” who once took a 9mm out and whizzed bullets right past my mother’s face into the wall behind her.
This is a “man” who once prayed that his future granddaughter in law “thing” fell off the cruise ship we were on and drowned.
This is a “man” who recently sent his own daughter, me, a warning to “watch my back” for all the rest of the days of my life because he’s mad that I’m SICKENED over his abusive, neglectful, abuse of my mother and son and even grosser abuse of MY future daughter in law who he’s literally jealous of because she rightfully has the new first place spot in my son’s life and not him.
He CHOOSES to live in a darkness that swallowed us all alive and still does.
I’ve said it before and will say it again …
When there’s NOTHING but dead bodies left laying at your feet, you’re the last one standing and yet you STILL can’t figure out who the common denominator of destruction in your life, then that’s a YOU problem!
Now, I can only pray that somehow he’ll see the Light before he heads to the other side so that I can have a reason to cry at his funeral and not make a mockery of it in front of the very few people in this world who bought into his bullshit and charm and have any real feelings for him.
By the way, “father”, I know for a fact that you’ll see this today, so, hear this:
I’m NOT sorry that I’m NOT sorry that YOU will die all alone one day!
Wow, Cat! Gia is such an amazing young woman! She’s wise beyond her years and so mature! You must be so proud!
Gulp. If only you knew how many times I’ve heard those words or the depth of the sucker punch to my soul I feel every time I hear them. Yes, she’s wise beyond her years. Yes, she’s more mature than some of the most mature adults I’ve ever known, up to and including me. You see, having a child who through no fault of their own had to walk through the fallout of the “childhood” you shattered and thus “mature” much sooner than their peers isn’t exactly something to be proud of.
It goes like this …
Sometimes time they’re too quiet, or God forbid totally silent. This is because they’re often lost deep inside their own mind trying to navigate the wreckage you drove their little tricycle through. And they won’t tell you, because even though you might “understand”, in keeping with the empty toolbox they lug around that you half-assedly loaded, they had to just figure things out on their own while you were busy fucking things up for them. This is also why they try to solve problems on their own and refuse to ask for help from anyone, much less you, which subsequently wears them out to the point of constant fatigue, to which end they can’t even imagine what’s happening inside their own body or why they can’t seem to get their mangled wings to fly.
Mentally.
Physically.
Emotionally.
NEUROLOGICALLY!
They’re forced to live within a burgeoning insanity while simultaneously being over demanding and hyper critical of themselves and trying to redirect all the hard wires in their psyche that you stripped. This, of course, can cause them to distance themselves from people, which, too, tends to make them feel empty, alone, and wholly unable to ever really let their guard down, but they usually won’t tell you how they’re feeling. They’ll just show you and the unsuspecting world what they’re either feeling or not feeling by remaining quiet, stoic, “wise beyond their years”, and “mature”. Meanwhile, they’ve become so familiar with all the chaos, turmoil, and accompanying anxiety served to them by the people who were supposed to be protecting them that the truly foreign concept of feeling calm and relaxed seems unsafe. None of this, by the way, is because they’re too weak to handle things. It’s as a result of continually experiencing things that their young minds were never meant to be prepared for, and sometimes even having to “parent” YOU! Oh, and by the way, as I went back to proofread what I just wrote, it just hit me like a ton of fucking bricks that I am literally describing “it goes like this” from my own firsthand experience of being a child living in “this picture”. But I’ve digressed, as usual …
So, then, now you’re asking yourself, “What does any of this have to do with an “irrepressible shirt” or this song? Well …
Music has the ability to evoke a wide range of emotions in listeners, from joy and excitement to sadness and contemplation. However, some of the most powerful and impactful songs are those that come from a place of vulnerability and emotional honesty. These are the songs that cut deep and resonate with us on a personal level, sometimes even bringing us to tears. One song that stands out as a shining example of emotional honesty is In This Shirt by The Irrepressibles. The lyrics of ‘In This Shirt’ convey a deep sense of longing and heartache, exploring the complexity of love and loss in a way that is both raw and beautiful. Lines such as “In this shirt, I can be you / To be near you for a while” speak to the feeling of isolation and despair that can come with heartbreak. One of the most powerful aspects of the song’s lyrics is their ability to paint a vivid picture of the emotions and experiences that inspired them, while still leaving room for interpretation and personal connection. Jamie Irrepressible has stated that he drew on his own experiences of heartbreak and loss to write the song and, by doing so, he create something that speaks directly to listeners’ emotions. The themes of vulnerability and emotional honesty are central to the song, and they are reflected in the music itself. The soaring, operatic vocals, combined with the lush orchestration and delicate piano lines, create a sense of intimacy and emotional intensity that is almost overwhelming. It’s a song that demands to be heard, and that invites listeners to explore their own feelings of vulnerability and emotional rawness.
Did you catch that? “Music has the ability to evoke a wide range of emotions in listeners“. That’s what I’ve been screaming for years! Musicians are the wizards God sends here to help ZAP “us” out of “us”. For me, this particular musician is a killer and I cannot listen to this song without sobbing for my kids’ lost childhoods. As soon as it begins, I literally imagine myself slipping on the worn and tattered shirt that’s a metaphorical remnant of what was supposed to be the happiest days of their lives, then sitting atop a faded rainbow and grieving for them. Yes, my childhood was shattered, too, but, oh, how different things could have been for all of us had they not been forced to walk across my broken pieces.
So, with that, I’ll close with this …
I once read a quote that said, “Never let your storm get your kids wet”. Well, this is me after finally forcing myself to SIT in the storm I rained upon the two people in the world I was charged to protect the most in a shirt dripping with tears of guilt and shame. Yes, I’ve forgiven myself for my many failures as a mother. Yes, I believe they’ve forgiven me, too. Nevertheless, if there’s just one song that’s meant to be a poignant reminder of what we’ve all been through together, then so be it. Pray God that my babies’ babies won’t, too, be sitting atop a faded rainbow of their own one day in my irrepressible shirt and that this season of change holds steady.
TO MY BABIES:
Once you’ve finally had the time and space to read through this “feeling kinda sorry for myself” soliloquy, know that it’s from a place so deep within my heart that even with all my seemingly endless words, I really have no words. Although for some reason you both seem to have forgiven all of us for totally obliterating your “childhoods” and forcing you to choke on an endless stream of “sugary piss water“, it doesn’t mean I don’t still carry that guilt and shame with me like a cross. It’s okay … I earned this cross and maybe I was meant to have to carry it to remind myself of not only where I came from, but mostly where I want you to go. Please break this cycle for my grandbabies. I love you both and I’m sorry.
Vedder has been known to change the lyrics of the song when singing it live, so it is difficult to know if what he is singing at the time are the original lyrics from 1991. In the liner notes for Lost Dogs, McCready said: A riff loosely based on something I’d heard during the Ten sessions. I thought it was pretty. Eddie started making up words on the spot and we kept them. I still don’t know what it’s about and I don’t want to! I love it. Fans like it too!”
So, wait! Lemme get this straight! What we’ve just realized is that one of the greatest artists and musical geniuses of all times has been historically “making shit up as he goes”?
EXACTLY!
Hi everyone! It’s me, The Real Catherine LEDBETTER Williamson. I, too, am a creative GENIUS who’s just making up this SHIT SHOW of a masterpiece existence of mine with my eyes wired shut as I go! Guess what?
Okay, well, maybe sometimes I am still a little mad. Guess what? That’s okay! Yes, I’m a “stoic“, but no, I’m not a machine, and contrary to handful of sordid opinions, I very much do still have feelings. I mean, I know it sometimes seems like nothing but fun and games, squirrels and birds, really bad, errr, “outfits”, and even BADDER hair days, BUT, even with all that “I CHOOSE JOY” pulsing through my veins, sometimes I get a little “Rage Rash“! (That’s a new disease I just made up, by the way! Pretty good one, huh?
While we’re on the subject of anger, keep in mind that while handing over the reins to your psyche and letting people anger you is never optimal, “being angry” in general is often a necessary if not healthy evil. Now, does that mean you should ever get too comfortable with it? NOPE! What have I been telling you, kids? You have to FEEL the pain and ride with it before you get to the station. Still, your anger is that sacred version of yourself that actually loves you the most and is only trying to protect you. So, just “reframe” it into a helpful little companion of sorts. Kind of like an emotional support kitten, puppy, or even an emotional support DEMON! It knows when you’ve been mistreated! It knows when you’ve been neglected! it knows when you’ve been deceived, manipulated, taken advantage of, or made a fool! It knows when it’s time for you to walk the fuck away and JUST … SAY … NO!
… but wait! There’s more! Let’s make that six things and go and add narcissists to the list! Ah, don’t worry! Pretty sure those things aren’t even human, sooo …
For the record, HAPPY INDIGENOUS PEOPLE’S DAY! That means ME, you know? Why do you think that I’m highly advising you to just smudge some of that toxic stuff right out of your life and start GOING PLACES? “Las brujas de Zacatecas“! (Witches from Zacatecas!) It’s in my blood!
Thank you Sick Puppies for helping me find the perfect song to play on repeat in my head as I’m riding to that proverbial bridge at dawn to telling “the boss”, i.e., “the powers that USED to be” to go on and SUCK IT as they’re swimming in the lake BELOW me!
Holding your breath. Holding your tongue. You’re only holding yourself back. So much to say. So far to run out from the shadows you have cast. Closing the door. Closing your eyes. You’re only closing yourself off. So much to see. So much to try. Don’t be afraid of what you want. Oh, the best days of your life have yet to come. It’s okay. It’s alright to open up. You don’t owe anybody anything! Life is yours to live anyway you please.
NO APOLOGIES!
No promise left for you to keep. You can be whoever you want to be.
NO APOLOGIES!
Don’t want to be no one else! What you see is what you get! No one to please!
NO APOLOGIES!
This most epically beautiful Trapt song was released on this day in 2010 during a time in my life when I was still desperately searching for my missing words, the voice to speak them, and the courage to SCREAM them to all the people, places, and things I’d once allowed to keep me chained to the ground and flightless, not the least of which “people” were me, myself, and ME!
The first time I ever heard it, it all but seared itself onto my heart and thus became one of my mantras. I’ve listened to it faithfully ever since, sometimes almost daily, as a reminder to NEVER slip back into the colorless shadows I worked so hard to step out of. If you’ve never heard it before and are searching for the perfect song to serenade yourself with when you need to be reminded of who you are, where you came from, and where you’re headed, may I suggest that you add it to your playlist? In the meantime, please just keep the faith and heading towards The Light. YOU GOT THIS!
The Diary Of My Perfection 
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