FIVE. That’s the number of Father’s Days we’ve had to celebrate without out you, Superman. But then, FIVE! (Oh, yah, in case you missed the memo, he’s “Five” by order of appearance in my halo as a child of either my blood or my heart. Meanwhile … HONEY? Are you watching this through your telescope from the other side of the stars? Have you seen this young KING who has shown up in our family picture?

Imagine my surprise when this text came in yesterday while I was out showing houses. While at first glance, my heart wanted to fall through my stomach, instead it only swelled. I mean, how many times did you send me flowers for absolutely no reason at all, but even more so when I’d been out working even though you said I didn’t have to?

“Thank you”. Just “thank you”, he said. Lol. He has no idea how to show his appreciation to me? This young man who we literally never saw coming has been such a driving force in both her and my life already, and I’m hoping that you approve. Wait! No! I KNOW YOU WOULD! Actually? Now that I think of it, there’s a song I recently heard that I had intended to blog to Christian, but instead, I’m blogging it to both him and the kid by tweaking the words my way:

It’s funny how a little plus sign can change your life overnight … even when it belongs to another mother … and turn a boy into a man … and how hearts so big fit inside small Superman-caped wrecking balls who eventually grow into an extremely brave men with no fear at all!

To My Number One:

I hope you love with all you’ve got and never try to be something you’re not … always a fighter, dreamer, survivor! Heart full of fire, keep looking them in thеir eyes when you shakе their hand, “Sir” and “Ma’am”. Understand God’s got a plan for you and I hope you know you’re grow up to be the man I always knew you could be. I tried not to blink too long, but before I knew it, you’ve gone and fallen for another and I’m okay with it, ’cause guess what? SO HAVE I! Before you take somebody’s little girl away and ask her hand, take a knee and say:

I wanna love you with all I got … never try to be something I’m not … always a fighter, giver, provider. Heart full of fire, look you in your eyes as we both stand, like God planned, slip that band on your left-hand and promise you that I’ll always try to be the man you see in me!

To My Number Five:

I hope you love with all you’ve got and never try to be something you’re not … always a fighter, dreamer, survivor! Heart full of fire, keep looking them in thеir eyes when you shakе their hand, “Sir” and “Ma’am”. Understand God’s got a plan for you. Although I may not have given birth to you, or seen you during your “Superman-caped” wrecking ball days, as a mother, I am so damn proud of the man you are becoming and am certain your own mother must be, too. Some day I truly look forward meeting the woman whose plus sign you belonged to. Only time will tell what the future has in store for you and my girl, but in the meantime, I’m so thankful you’re in my halo! Both her dads must be, too!

Do not let this thing you got go to waste. Do not let your heart be dismayed. It’s here by some random disclosure of grace from some vascular Great Thing. Do not let this thing you got go to waste. The pain and the beauty, so strange. Get the FUCK out of your head if it says, “Stay cold and be deathly afraid.” Do not let your spirit wane! Do not let your spirit wane!

WOW! Now that’s some pretty deep stuff, right? Nevertheless, it’s true. Your physical body is but a living temple for your soul. When you nourish your mind, it will nourish you back. You will only attract what you reflect. You will literally become the words that you ingest and the people you allow to surround you. Just make sure that you’re feeding your soul well. Feed it. Feed it! FEED IT!

Your ego wants you to win so you feel good about yourself. Yet it’s exactly the ego itself that’s sabotaging you from winning. The paradox: Killing the ego before it becomes big is a great way to sustain a happy life, because once it gets enough power, you’ll start to beat yourself up for small stuff. It’s a guaranteed way to cripple yourself.

(“Inside Out Mastery” by Mick De Boers)

THE EGO.

It’s that double-headed little beast on your shoulder that’s constantly looking for a stronger sense of identity by feeding our superiority. The ego cannot tolerate inferiority, because it feeds off of the pain that comes with our insecurities. It never feels like it’s enough, so, it’s constantly trying to add to its sense of self to feel superior.

So, with that …

Stop waiting on your fifteen minutes of fame, ’cause you’re not special. I’m not trying to rain on your parade, but you’re not special. I’m not trying to bring you down. I’m not trying to sound so ineffectual … but you’re not special!

Okay, people … CALM YOUR TITS … because, also? You’re INCREDIBLY fucking special, but the only way to ever truly reach your “I’M SO SPECIAL” potential is by first realizing that you’re NOT! Didja catch that?

You’re NOTHING, EVERYTHING, and ALL OF IT!

Try not to take things so personally all the time and consuming yourself with what others may be thinking, saying, or judging about you. Chances are high that most everyone is just living in their own very special and also NOT THAT SPECIAL moments on this big, blue, EPIC marble we call home!

Long story short?

You HAVE to kill it! Your ego, that is:

Ego death is a “complete loss of subjective self-identity”. The term is used in various intertwined contexts, with related meanings. Jungian psychology uses the synonymous term psychic death, referring to a fundamental transformation of the psyche. In death and rebirth mythology, ego death is a phase of self-surrender and transition, as described by Joseph Campbell in his research on the mythology of the Hero’s Journey. It is a recurrent theme in world mythology and is also used as a metaphor in some strands of contemporary western thinking.

(“Ego Death” via Wikipedia)

Trust me when I tell you that mine is still in Rigor mortis … BUT … the stiffer it gets as it’s heading 6 feet under, the freer, happier, and more connected I’ve become to myself and this “EVERYTHING” I’m securely UNattached to. As a result, my sense of self no longer feels more distinct or “special” than anyone else’s. Meaning? I’VE GOTTEN THE FUCK OVER MYSELF! Meanwhile, I also feel deeply and intrinsically connected to both the Universe and humanity, which is ALSO paradoxical since I’m blissfully alone (but not “lonely”) and at peace literally 99.9% of the time.

And so, with that …

“Hurry up before you go and get old. Hurry up before your blood runs cold. None of us were ever meant to stay. We’re all gonna find out one day. You see, life’s too short to run it like a race. So, it’s never gonna matter if you win first place, ’cause we’re all the same. Stop waiting on your fifteen minutes of fame, ’cause you’re not special. I’m not trying to rain on your parade, but you’re not special. I’m not trying to bring you down. I’m not trying to sound so ineffectual … but you’re not special.”

Wow! Just WOW! Who woulda ever thunk that there would ever be such a thing as “National Mind Your Own Business Day“? Lol. Go figure! Guess what, my friends? THAT’S the kinda business that I’m TOTALLY down with minding!

Love me or hate me, since I’m only here to keep it REAL, you can just mind your biz … I can just mind mine, and never the twixt shall meet! This is, after all, my life, and your life is very much yours, so, umm …

“Bye everyone! It’s me … … CAT!”

… and then, just like that, the Sun did set on my my almost 25 years as a school-daze mom:

Where did all the time go? Can someone tell me, PLEASE? Wasn’t it, like, just five minutes ago that we were dropping her off to her very first day of school with a silly, toothless smile on her face, a giant bow in her hair, and a backpack that was all but bigger than she was? I’m not gonna lie, folks, it was a bittersweet moment pulling into the parking lot and stepping onto that field to watch the “sun rise” on her first day as a senior in high school without the man who was primarily responsible for making this all happen for her, and an even longer drive home and agonizing day that followed. Yes, I spent a full 24 hours, if not more, in a flood of tears. Meanwhile, and with this, we begin the excruciatingly short 285-day long journey to the sunset of her graduation. Ugh.

(“The Sun Goes Up …”)

… and you can’t fight the tears that ain’t coming, or the moment of truth in your lies. So, when everything feels like the movies, yeah, you bleed just to know you’re alive.

(“Iris“)

Listen, I dunno who needs to hear this right now, but pain really does demand to be felt, and dare I say that internalized pain that doesn’t hurt you anymore is actually dangerous. So, if you’re that child in a long line of family people who either refused to feel a thing and chose to avoid dealing with that gift that just kept on fucking giving, KNOW THIS:

You’re “The One” who was CALLED!

You’re the storm your ancestors have been praying for and your children’s children will praise whether they even know your name, because YOU finally showed up looking and sounding like a mental patient and said,

Fuck this shit! Enough! We’re DONE!

You were CHOSEN to lift up that rug where generations of malignant bullshit got swept under that proverbial rug of oblivion!

It happened!

It ALL happened!

But none of them were ever gonna heal from it unless someone finally faced and ROSE from it, and that, my fellow black sheep, was YOU validating the realities that no one wanted to talk about. You CANNOT move on from all that generationally gifted pain until you face, FEEL, and overcome the gauntlet of emotions and friction you WILL endure as go through this journey to freedom.

PAIN

You’re sick of feeling numb. You’re not the only one. I’ll take you by the hand and I’ll show you a world that you can understand. This life is filled with hurt when happiness doesn’t work. Trust me and take my hand. When the lights go out, you’ll understand. Anger and agony are better than misery. Trust me, I’ve got a plan. When the lights go up, you’ll understand. I know that you’re wounded. You know I’m always here for you. I know that you’ll thank me later Pain, without love. Pain, I can’t get enough. Pain, I like it rough, ’cause I’d rather feel pain than nothing at all. (Three Days Grace)

🎶

She walks through the city. No one recognizes her face. They don’t want her pity. No one ever mentions her name. She’s carried the broken, but their scars have no name in her heart, ’cause she walks in forgiveness. She’ll shine like a light in the dark.

She’ll always remember the days when they welcomed her here. They know if they need her. She made a promise to always be here.

When they are weak she will always be strong. Though they don’t know it, they’re never alone. No matter how many times they may leave, it’s never hopeless, ’cause she still believes.

She is love.

🎶

She’s the whisper of the leaves when you walk down the street, the smell of certain foods you remember, every flower you pick, and the fragrance of life itself. She’s the hand on your brow when you’re not feeling well and your breath in the air on a winter’s day. She’s the sound of the rain that lulls you to sleep, the colors of a rainbow, and the heartbeat of Christmas morning. She’s the place you came from, your very first home, and the map you follow with every step you take. She’s your first love, your first friend, even your first enemy, but nothing on earth can separate you. Not time, not space… not even death. She is always with you. She’s your Mother. She is Love.

{Deborah R. Culver}

Pray God, I am someone’s “She”. I was blessed, honored, and privileged to be someone’s Mother. But you see, not a Mother’s Day has passed since the first one I celebrated with Zachariah in my halo that hasn’t been met with an abundance of joy and gratitude for having been blessed enough to be their “She”, but as well a deep and aching sadness. Not everyone has a “She” propelling the wings of their flight:

As with every Mother’s Day I’ve since had to or will ever spend without him, today is so twisted and bittersweet. On one hand, I am privileged to celebrate not just the gift of my motherhood, but the gifts of my mother beautiful Mother and angel Grandmother as well, it was on this day in May 2019 when he started coming apart at the seams. For that reason, this day will always be a rollercoaster of deep joy and intense sadness for me. He had just gone up to say goodbye to Gia before heading off to work that morning. As he made it to that last step on the way back down, he just stopped there dead in his tracks and started sobbing, much like the day at the kitchen window a few months before. When I asked him what was wrong, the words he spoke were all but paralyzing:

“That whore that gave birth to me just threw me the fuck away. My own mother didn’t want me. She never did. She never will. I really AM a Zack Of Shit!“

{“One Son’s Angel“}

Nine years ago today ago, the Dallas County Bureau Of Vital Records finally issued my husband’s Court Ordered Delayed Certificate Of Birth since his “parents” could be bothered to memorialize his birthday legally:

In case you didn’t know by now, my husband’s childhood was less than optimal. His mother all but threw him away beginning the day he was born, then walked left him for good 18 months later, because, I suppose, he wasn’t as “stellar” as his older three siblings who were good enough for her to stick around for. It was only ever him she didn’t want, and trust me when I tell you, it’s been a sobering truth reality for him to wake up to every day. Keep in mind also that almost from the onset of meeting him, and especially once we got married, I’d been asking (if not begging) for the “family” he was left with after “the thing that gave birth to him” kicked him to the curb to please find some pictures of him as a child. Even one. JUST ONE? Does anyone have even ONE picture of this man from his childhood? But I’ve digressed.

{“10-5-82“}

With that in mind, here are a few things for all you parents out there to think about, and even all you hands-on aunts, uncles, and primary caregivers. Remember, it’s not just those of us who have procreated who can have seriously positive and life changing impacts on the little people standing in our halo (or toxic and malignant ones).

Are you painting your self-portrait small with just a tiny “here and now” brush, or are you creating an EPIC masterpiece with MUCH broader strokes that even your grandkids’ grandkids will treasure? Are you living out loud with power, grace, passion, and purpose? Your children and THEIR children will reap EXACTLY what you sow, so, SHOW THEM everything you TELL THEM! And (ps), don’t forget to keep a journal or keepsake memorializing all the memories and highlights so you don’t leave your “here and now” as mystery or subject for debate. Leave your fingerprints on everything (but hopefully not bloody ones like the ones my husband’s “parents” left all over him and my “father” is leaving all over us.

But more so than anything …

Be honest with your kids. Talk to them. Spend time with them. Share what’s in your heart of hearts, what you stand for, and what you believe in (but don’t shove it down their throats). Let them know it’s okay, if not encouraged, to take a different path than you. Let them know that you DON’T want them to be your “mini-me”, but rather, “the first of THEM“.

In the meantime …

To My Kids:

Please know how hard I’m really trying to change the crooked trajectory of this family tree. Yes, I very much do want you to find new and different paths of your own and not be “mini-me’s”. I want you to be the first and the last of both of you, and be brave enough to CHOOSE to be happy. More so than anything, I hope someday when the time has come, you’ll listed to this song and think of me, but know also that when I hear it now, I think of both of you. You are my legacy just as much I am yours.

LEGACY

Won’t you walk with me ’til both of our feet bleed? Won’t you walk with me through the blindness we can see? If I set you free, will you promise me I will see you again? I will walk with you ’til both of our feet bleed. ‘Cause we are one … we run free … I am you and you are me. You sacrificed everything. I am and will always be your legacy. I will dance with you ’til the shadows slip away. I will lay my hands on you to ease your pain. I will sing to you, I will guide you for everything. Won’t you dance with me till the shadows slip away? We are one … we run free … I am you and you are me. You sacrificed everything. I am and will always be your legacy. I promise I will see you again. I will find you on the other side. {In This Moment}

When you wish to lead an orchestra, you must be willing to turn your back on the crowd.

{Max Lucado}

Dear Younger Me,

In order to be a leader, a game-changer , and a cycle-breaker, you HAVE to be willing to ignore the popular opinions of not just society, but your friends, family, and loved ones, as well. As long as the compilation you’re making is in ultimate best interest of all, wield that baton like it’s the most precious thing you own.

It’s gonna take courage to run against the crowd, swim into the current, and sit alone atop your mountain when the truths you eventually speak seem so flawed and tragic to everyone else. In the meantime, don’t worry about what the people in the crowd are saying about your unchained melody. I mean, DUH! That’s why they’re SITTING behind you!

I know you never asked for the responsibility of leading this orchestra that has become your life, but as a rising queen, it truly is your bounded duty. I love you, Catherine Williamson! You got this!

~ The YOU You Will Become!

(ps)

This Diary entry is in honor of the late Queen Elizabeth’s birthday today.

Quite thankfully, NO, the “broken and despondent angel on her knees” in this picture is NOT who I am, yet, in so many ways, she was in the way long days gone by. Then? I started counting my blessings instead of my scars.

Meanwhile, everyone’s gotta pick and choose the battle cry “fight words” that fit them best, right? Especially in that, for the most part, we are what we “believe, say, think, and manifest” ourselves to be. And by “for the most part”, I mean to make WOEFULLY clear that despite the fact that yes, there are people in this world who REALLY take that literally, NO, it doesn’t ALWAYS quite work that way:

I believe, say, think, and manifest myself to be an orangutan driving a Bentley across the water.

💥POOF!💥

So, how’s THAT working for ya? I’m guessing that you have NOT just transformed into a primate with a really pimp ride on skis just a Jesus-ing your way across the Sea Of Galilee?

… BUT …

All in all its a good life, I got what I want … I can’t complain!

Now, those are some words you can “believe, say, think, and manifest” right this minute … no matter what, every day! See how that works? Gotta love it, and all these often EPIC amounts of bullshittery and SHAM PAIN moments living amongst sometimes not so “human-ity” here on Earth!

By the way, if you ARE gonna try and manifest yourself into an animal, maybe DON’T make it an orangutan. While they are, indeed, HIGHLY intelligent, ALWAYS smiling, incredibly majestic and important creatures, eating with your feet just CANNOT be that fun all the time. Ya know what I’m sayin’? Oh, and one LAST but certainly not LEAST thing:

HAPPY BIRTHDAY “SHAM PAIN“!

In honor of this first day of Prevention Of Cruelty To Animals Month 2024, can I just say that if, indeed, this “Indian legend” is true, how much it’s gonna SUCK for a certain someone I know who I grew up watching literally kick our family pets in the ribs across the kennels he kept them in at the WAY far corners of our family properties every time he went to feed them and they’d jump up happily to greet him because they didn’t know he was abusing them. They were just so fucking happy to see him every day after having been sequestered out there all alone, even in the ice and snow. That being said, I’m guessing there’s not gonna be a “bridge” to where he’s going … just a piping hot “slide” down!

Wait!

WHAT?

Meanwhile, the bottom line is THIS: I don’t give two FUCKS about your job title, “social status”, your house, your car, or what you have in checking and savings. How a person treat animals tells me everything I’ll ever need to know about them! PERIOD!

(Bye everyone, it’s me, CAT! 😉)

Once upon a time, in a land so far away, a very confused girl had a question for her Father. You see, she’d been looking in the mirror at a mind made up that her pain would last forever. He was heading for a heart that was all closed up, so He asked her: “Will you ever open up?” She said, “NEVER”! What is the secret to keeping my head in Your promises?”

Then she just kept staring at the sky wondering why the night wasn’t telling her to believe Him. “If He could only read the pages of my heart. How can I learn the secret to keeping my head in His promises?”

HE SAID:

I’ll mend your broken heart under one condition. If I let you in, you’ll never push me out. Darling, under one condition. This is my one … this is my one condition.

From that point on, He kept getting closer until she got closer and had no more questions and just one answer.

He really DID mend my broken heart.

As it turned out, the lies she’d once believed couldn’t have been farther from the truth, the pain really didn’t last forever, and she ended up being alright. As a matter of fact, it eventually became one of her greatest gifts … just like The Man whose resurrection many of us celebrate today.

~ The End ~

Happy Easter, from God’s Favorite Daughter.

“

In the beginning, God made the land. Then He made the waters and creatures … then He made man. He was born with a passion … love and hate. A restless spirit with a need for a mate. But there was something missing … something lost. So, He came up with the answer. Here’s what it cost: One part love; one part wild; one part lady; one part child. A whole lot of fire; a little bit of ice; a whole lot of something you can’t sacrifice. I give you …

“WOMAN“

Did you know that in many parts of the world, today is recognized as “International Women’s Day“? Indeed, it is the global day to celebrate the social, economic, cultural and political achievements of women. As an American woman and capitalist who is not a fan of either socialism, feminism, or Rosie The Riveter, but is a fan of the solidarity and sanctity and of “The Hood“, I choose to celebrate “woman” for a much more powerful reason than modern women’s ability to pick up a hammer, try to grow their own dicks and balls and conquer “the patriarchy” and man in general. A social media influencer that I’ve been following for a while recently said:

Listen, there is nothing in my world that I have ever experienced that is more profound than the Power, purpose, and joy of watching my wife carry our children and then give birth. As a man, I have no idea what she is feeling. As a man, I have no idea what she is going through. As a man, I have no idea what pressure, stress, pain, and process she is going through. But I do know this is GOD’s most incredible creation.

(Garrett J. White … the “Wake Up Warrior“)

Love him or hate him (and many people do, as is the plight of many the truth sayer according to Plato), the man is a beast of epic proportion and I couldn’t agree with him more. More so than that, what a beautiful tribute to not just his own wife, but the power of “woman”!

Meanwhile, as far as I’m concerned, perhaps the best thing about the sisterhood of REAL women (or rather should I say “WOMBen”, because without a womb at birth, you ain’t one) is our innate ability to be given anything and multiply it. If you give us your time, we can give you our hearts. If you give us a house, we can give you a home. If you give us the ingredients, we can give you a meal. If you give us your sperm, we can give you a family. If you give us love, honor, loyalty, and respect, we can give you an entire lifetime of unwavering support, partnership, a crown, and a throne from which we can build a kingdom TOGETHER.

We are the most sacred vessels, alchemists, sorcerers, and forces of unrivaled nature that there ever was or ever will be, other than God Himself, which is why I believe He partnered with and empowered us with not just our wombs, but the ability to endure and then rise above unspeakable amounts of physical and emotional pain and suffering for the sake of those whom we ingratiate as the female expression and reflection of His profound and inexplicable creativity and love:

The sobering truth is that it’s the woman’s hand that was meant to rock the cradle, not destroy it! We’re the Earth, the Sun, the Moon, the stars and the entire effing COSMOS to the babies we bear. Even wild animals know this to be true and often do much better jobs of raising their offspring than some of those “things” running around this gig with wombs. Does a good, strong, emotionally wealthy and present father bear any value in raising a child? OF COURSE! Do ya think I’m effing stupid? But you see, “mother love” is the fuel that supplies this world with the most valuable energy of all. As that supply steadily dwindles, humanity is fucking FAILING!Mama” is the only one who can make a human being, so “mama” is the one who wields the most power to fucking shatter a human being irreparably. For every toxic devil of a man roaming this planet and giving “some men” a really bad wrap, chances are that you can trace his fucked up ways back to the hands of the worthless “mama” who either did or did not rock his cradle. Sorry, NOT sorry. It’s the Jean-Claude Van DAMN cold hard truth, and I don’t care what anyone has to say about it.

(“Mama’s Boys“)

I guess what I’m REALLY trying to say, here, “ladies”, is perhaps some of you actual ‘lil hookers out there should think about using that “power of your pussies” to do something a little more MAGICAL than just running around fucking literally everything in sight and screwing up huMANity? Spread those legs for the good of all mankind and leave behind a “legacy”, not a “LEGS-in-the-air-DISEASE”! We are epic magic of divine design and the living reflection of HIS femininity, so, why would you want to be anything else? Dare I say that any words, deeds, or “things” THAT (not “who”) negate, make mockery, or spit upon the utmost and highest calling of “woman” are, perhaps, the greatest of all the Devil’s lies.

So says The Queen …

… Queen Catherine

The late Steve Jobs, whose birthday is today, really did say it best! Why be in the Navy when you can be a pirate? Umm? HELLO? Ya think? Be a pirate! Be a Viking! Be an adventurer! Be ALONE but DON’T be lonely!

Be a stranger in a

VERY strange land!

But guess what, my little swashbuckling marauders? YA GOTTA CUT THAT ANCHOR THAT’S BEEN KEEPING YOU WEIGHED DOWN, FIRST! FUCK all those norms, traditions, and idyllic ways of EXISTING! FUCK living YOUR life inside the pretty little box you have to SHRINK yourself to fit in so that YOUR life makes everyone else’s more comfortable!

FUCK not living life

JUST AS YOU ARE!

Now, does that mean you should be an asshole or on an upcoming episode of Dateline NBC? Umm, NOPE! It just means you should go and be the BIG, awkward, funny, intelligent, beautiful enigma that you are! DON’T hold back! WEIRD IT OUT! Release yourself from the prison YOU keep yourself held hostage in for the sake of everyone else! And oh yah … just be HAPPY!

STRANGER IN A STRANGE LAND

Living on this lonely street … a stranger in this town. Feel it in this cold concrete whenever I’m around. On the outside looking in … it’s a mystery. When I’m out there in the wind, I know I’m feeling free! I know I’m a stranger in a strange land. Just a stranger … I’m a solitary man. All alone I stand … about … just a stranger in a strange land. Seems I’m spending half my life saying long goodbyes. On the edges of a knife, I leave it all behind. In another place and time I’ll find where I belong, but until that day arrives, I guess I’ll be moving on. {Eddie Money}

… because it’s 7:15pm here in Dallas and I just KNOW in my heart and soul that someone out there in this world really needs to hear this message. Keep the faith, kiddo! YOU GOT THIS!

So, tell me, friend. WHO’S YOUR PERSON? As for me, I can honestly say that other than my kids and my ailing German Shepherd who’s just about to cross the bridge, my “person” is ME. Just me. Guess what, though? THAT’S OKAY! I mean, don’t get me wrong, folks – I very much DO have a handful of EPIC ride or die “I got your clockers” in this life, some of whom I’ve never even met, but those women all have lives and families of their own, so, logistically speaking, I’m on my own here.

George Orwell once said,

The most terrible loneliness is not the kind that comes from being alone, but from being misunderstood. It is the loneliness of standing in a crowded room, surrounded by people who do not see you, who do not hear you, who do not know the true essence of who you are.

Meanwhile, Haruki Murakami once said,

No matter how far you travel, you can never get away from yourself.

Both these quotes make me sad for anyone who hasn’t yet learned to “see, hear, and understand” themselves such that they are never alone in a crowded room, and even sadder for those who feel the need to “get away from themselves”.

Have I ever told you that I sing love songs to myself? Like, as in I literally SING to myself … every day! It’s called “That Music Thing” and it’s one of the most valuable mental wealth hacks I’ve ever empowered myself with. One of my all time favorite “songs of myself” is one that Zack used to sing me all the time, “When The Seasons Change” by 5FDP. The powerful lyrics are the one food (for my soul) that I’m actually proud to be addicted to:

When the seasons change and we’re in for colder weather I won’t let you down when the seasons change. I won’t go down. I’ll fight through the pain. I’ll be there right by your side. I’ll never let them bring you down when the seasons change.

(“A Tree For All Seasons“)

That’s right! Every single time I sing it to myself, and even now as I’m typing this, I literally picture myself “standing at the divide” like a knight in my own shining armor outside of the fortress, not hiding in it!

Let’s face it, people, not everyone does have that one person to call “home”. Sometimes life has different plans for us, which is to learn how to fortify ourselves into steel magnolias standing tall, strong, and sometimes even alone throughout our many changing seasons in the garden.

Treating ourselves kindly, patiently, and with unyielding amounts of unconditional love and self-care is one of THE best ways to accomplish that. So, SING TO YOURSELF like you are THE greatest love story of your life … ‘CAUSE YA SHOULD BE! Oh, and for the record, HAPPY VALENTINE’S DAY to not just me, but anyone else out there who’s celebrating themselves “alone” but NOT lonely today! Go and buy yourself some flowers, maybe even treat yourself to dinner, then grab a box of chocolates. YOU CAN DO THAT!

THIS.

Da FUCK? I mean, HELLO? Hasn’t ‘lil Tay Tay either touched down or been engaged to at least a dozen of them? And by “them”, I mean MEN whose behaviors and gaslighting she’s had to silently absorb? Meanwhile, she has no problem whatsoever not so silently absorbing that $800 per ticket from the MEN who’ve shelled out them Benji’s for their wives and daughters to take their ‘lil pink Stanley cups and Lulu Lemon “look at my ass” pants to her shit shows, right? Which is NOT to say that many a self-sufficient women hasn’t funded her own ticket to the parties, too.

But I’ve digressed …

Guess what rage provokes me, “America’s MEATheart”, especially as the mother of a SON and the late wife of a KING who earned every bit of the pedestal he sat upon every single day he walked this Earth along with quite a few damn good men I’ve been lucky enough to love, honor, respect? Well, I’ll tell ya …

“Anything men can do, WE can do better!”

Really? Well, then SUCK IT UP Rosie The Riveter, come down from your sanctimony and shove that fuckin’ hammer that destroyed “the heart of the home” as the world once knew it right up your “I AM WOMAN! HEAR ME ROAR!” ass, ’cause with that train of thought …

“Anything MEN can fuck up, WE can fuck up BETTER!”

Hey, ladies? Sometimes when you’re dealing with a “devil of a man”, the best thing to do is take a good look in the mirror. Have you ever stopped to consider that maybe YOU’RE the one manifesting that devil out of him? Ya get what ya give, know what I’m sayin’? And by the way, don’t forget where we came from: THEIR RIB!

I thank GOD for the truly good men in this world. I respect them, value them, worry for them, and PRAY FOR THEM! I cherish and HONOR men as the strong towers they were intended to be. You see, I am a woman who’s been lucky enough to have been loved by not one, but TWO of the most beautiful KINGS who ever walked this Earth (make that three if you count my son), and often thank God that I wasn’t actually BORN a man. From the moment they draw their first breath, they’re expected to bear the literal weight of the world on their shoulders, and “stay at home trophy husband” USUALLY ain’t an option for them. It’s a brutal reality that so many women take for granted.

If you are a man-hating biotch, YOU are not my people! Actually? You’re gross and the majority of what’s wrong with this world we’re ALL fucking up. So, take your “toxic masculinity” double standards of BULLSHIT back home to your family, cook some fuckin’ chicken for the man in your life if you’re lucky enough to have one, and get the HELL out of my Diary PRONTO!

(“Mama’s Boys“)

Okay, I feel better now. Damn! I feel like I just had an exorcism! Now I can get ready for the Stuperbowl this afternoon, which in case you haven’t gotten the memo about yet, I only ever watch for “the pants“. Lol, I don’t even like football, and this despite the fact that my next door neighbor is one of the top ten highest paid NFL quarterbacks in history. I couldn’t give two shits less about that by the way, and (ps), my car is faster than his. Wait! WHAT? To me, he’s not a baller, though. He’s just my next door neighbor who’s a pretty decent MAN.

But I’ve digressed again …

For the record, if I see that cringeworthy hypocrite of a 34 year old woman “secret handshaking and hip bumping” another grown ass woman in the stands again, I’m telling ya I’m gonna lose it! Bye everyone, it’s me, CAT!

You know, honey, you do that, too … the crying in your chair in private thing! Did you think I didn’t know that’s what you do when you run back into our room? You let yourself fall apart so you can keep it all together for us. It’s one of my favorite things about you.’

{“Blindsided With Rhapsody“}

I pray in it, read in it, cry in it, panic in it, have coffee in it, and had the last meaningful half-day long conversation with Zack while I was sitting in it on the day he took his own life. I swear sometimes I actually see him sitting in it in my dreams just staring at me while I’m sleeping. Sometimes, I see Jesus in it, too.

Fade it out into The Light …

… after all these years, I’ve finally got it right. I’ve learned to give myself full permission to just sit still and hold space for myself whenever I need to let it go. My “panic chair” is THE safest place to do it.

Actually? After I wrap up this Diary entry, imma go and pour myself a giant bowl of Lucky Charms and eat them IN MY CHAIR! Lol! Believe it or not, this silly piece of furniture is one of the most beautifully static parts of my epically messy life. I deeply love, cherish, and will always hold space for her as part of the magnificent tapestry I’m being woven from.