Grieving you and the story we didn’t get to finish the way we’d always planned totally sucks, by the way, but it’s also been a privilege and an honor. It means that I “got” to ever love you in the first place, and only God knows what would or would NOT have become of me had it not been for our season together. Alas, it was written in the stars that this is how it was always meant to be. What a twisted, bittersweet, ironical anomaly we were.
This hidden thing that you don’t see? They call them skeletons, but don’t be scared of them. ‘Cause you’re still you, and I’m still me. It’s all irrelevant. We ALL got skeletons!
If there’s one thing you should know about me, it’s this: I refuse to keep my skeletons locked away. You want to meet them? Fine by me. I’ll open the crypt, make the introductions, and probably hand you a flashlight. I have almost nothing left to hide, and the very few “secrets” I still keep are not there to protect me—they exist to protect people I love.
Yes, I’m flawed. I’ve made mistakes. I’ve said things I shouldn’t have. I’ve disappointed people. I’ve behaved like an actual nut bag when my raw emotions got the better of me. You are not going to find perfection here—not even close—and I have plenty in my history that I’m not proud of. Do my anger and fleeting thoughts of retaliation toward people who have hurt me or mine scare me sometimes? Absolutely. That is part of why I laugh as much as I do. Humor keeps me humble. It keeps me regulated. It reminds me that darkness only becomes dangerous when I stop looking at it honestly. What I am proud of is the person I became after I stopped hiding from that darkness. I owned it. I accounted for it. And eventually, I made peace with it. Which reminds me of something I once read:
If you could go back and fix all your mistakes, you’d completely erase yourself.
That was all I needed to hear, because guess what? I freaking love myself—backward-ass wretchedness, failures, blunders, skeletons and all. I would never trade away the scars that helped build the person standing here now. Far be it from me to rob the unsuspecting world of the privilege of getting to deal with me exactly as I am. Bye everyone, it’s me, CAT—and all my little demons. Happy Halloween.
Honey, I just wanted to say thank you! This last 14 days have opened my eyes and I have so much more appreciation for all the things you do to make all our lives happen yet make it look effortless. Now I understand who you are as a woman even more than I already thought I did. I honestly didn’t get it until now. I love you, Catherine Williamson. Thank you for being my wife!
… then you fall back in love with him all over again and can’t even believe just how much you’ve been needing to have exact validation for going on 22 years. No, Zachariah … I love YOU … and I thank God for you “every day”!
On this day, 34 years ago, another Italian girl released a not-so-lovey love song to her father:
Oh, Father, you never wanted to live that way. You never wanted to hurt me. Why am I running away? Maybe someday when I look back I’ll be able to say you didn’t mean to be cruel. Somebody hurt you, too. You can’t hurt me now. I got away from you. I never thought I would. You can’t make me cry. You once had the power. I never felt so good about myself.
No. No, he didn’t deserve to go through the epic levels of BULLSHIT he went through at his “mother’s” hands. But then again, NEITHER DID I! Why, then, was I made to pay for HER sins? Why, then, were we ALL?
I guess I never really needed all that self-loathing, guilt, and shame to bring me to my knees. Nor did I need all that food I used to chain-swallow then release back into oblivion to become the knife I used to pierce my own heart and cut myself open from the inside out as I sunk into the darkness where the light that should have been my “father’s” unconditional love for me was supposed to go.
Yes, I vividly remember all those nights I prayed on my hands and knees and begged GOD to help him stop being so FUCKING angry, because maybe if he had been happy, everything would have been okay. He was anger … and sadness … and toxicity … and terror. He chose to live in a darkness that swallowed us all alive.
Mind you, this is a “man” who once took a 9mm out and whizzed bullets right past my mother’s face into the wall behind her.
This is a “man” who once prayed that his future granddaughter-in-law “thing” fell off the cruise ship we were on and drowned.
This is a “man” who recently sent his own daughter, me, a warning to “watch my back” for all the rest of the days of my life because he’s mad that I’m SICKENED over his abusive, neglectful treatment of my mother and son and even grosser abuse of MY future daughter-in-law, who he’s literally jealous of because she rightfully has the new first-place spot in my son’s life and not him.
He CHOOSES to live in a darkness that swallowed us all alive and still does.
I’ve said it before and will say it again …
When there’s NOTHING but dead bodies left lying at your feet, you’re the last one standing and yet you STILL can’t figure out who the common denominator of destruction in your life is, then that’s a YOU problem!
Now, I can only pray that somehow he’ll see the Light before he heads to the other side so that I can have a reason to cry at his funeral and not make a mockery of it in front of the very few people in this world who bought into his bullshit and charm and have any real feelings for him.
By the way, “father”, I know for a fact that you’ll see this today, so hear this:
I’m NOT sorry that I’m NOT sorry that YOU will die all alone one day!
Wow, Cat! Gia is such an amazing young woman! She’s wise beyond her years and so mature! You must be so proud!
Gulp. If only you knew how many times I’ve heard those words—or the depth of the sucker punch to my soul I feel every time I hear them. Yes, she’s wise beyond her years. Yes, she’s more mature than some of the most mature adults I’ve ever known, up to and including me. You see, having a child who, through no fault of their own, had to walk through the fallout of the “childhood” you shattered and thus “mature” much sooner than their peers isn’t exactly something to be proud of.
It goes like this …
Sometimes they’re too quiet or, God forbid, totally silent. This is because they’re often lost deep inside their own mind trying to navigate the wreckage you drove their little tricycle through. And they won’t tell you, because even though you might “understand”, in keeping with the empty toolbox they lug around that you half-assedly loaded, they had to just figure things out on their own while you were busy fucking things up for them. This is also why they try to solve problems on their own and refuse to ask for help from anyone, much less you, which subsequently wears them out to the point of constant fatigue, to which end they can’t even imagine what’s happening inside their own body or why they can’t seem to get their mangled wings to fly.
Mentally.
Physically.
Emotionally.
NEUROLOGICALLY!
They’re forced to live within a burgeoning insanity while simultaneously being over-demanding and hypercritical of themselves and trying to repair all the wiring in their psyche that you stripped bare. This, of course, can cause them to distance themselves from people, which tends to make them feel empty, alone, and wholly unable to ever really let their guard down, but they usually won’t tell you how they’re feeling. They’ll just show you and the unsuspecting world what they’re either feeling or not feeling by remaining quiet, stoic, “wise beyond their years”, and “mature”. Meanwhile, they’ve become so familiar with all the chaos, turmoil, and accompanying anxiety served to them by the people who were supposed to be protecting them that the truly foreign concept of feeling calm and relaxed seems unsafe. None of this, by the way, is because they’re too weak to handle things. It’s the result of continually experiencing things their young minds were never meant to be prepared for, and sometimes even having to “parent” YOU! Oh, and by the way, as I went back to proofread what I just wrote, it just hit me like a ton of fucking bricks that I am literally describing “it goes like this” from my own firsthand experience of being a child living in “this picture”. But I’ve digressed, as usual …
So, then, now you’re asking yourself, “What does any of this have to do with an ‘irrepressible shirt’ or this song?” Well …
Music has the ability to evoke a wide range of emotions in listeners, from joy and excitement to sadness and contemplation. However, some of the most powerful and impactful songs are those that come from a place of vulnerability and emotional honesty. These are the songs that cut deep and resonate with us on a personal level, sometimes even bringing us to tears. One song that stands out as a shining example of emotional honesty is In This Shirt by The Irrepressibles. The lyrics of ‘In This Shirt’ convey a deep sense of longing and heartache, exploring the complexity of love and loss in a way that is both raw and beautiful. Lines such as “In this shirt, I can be you / To be near you for a while” speak to the feeling of isolation and despair that can come with heartbreak. One of the most powerful aspects of the song’s lyrics is their ability to paint a vivid picture of the emotions and experiences that inspired them, while still leaving room for interpretation and personal connection. Jamie Irrepressible has stated that he drew on his own experiences of heartbreak and loss to write the song and, by doing so, he create something that speaks directly to listeners’ emotions. The themes of vulnerability and emotional honesty are central to the song, and they are reflected in the music itself. The soaring, operatic vocals, combined with the lush orchestration and delicate piano lines, create a sense of intimacy and emotional intensity that is almost overwhelming. It’s a song that demands to be heard, and that invites listeners to explore their own feelings of vulnerability and emotional rawness.
Did you catch that? “Music has the ability to evoke a wide range of emotions in listeners“. That’s what I’ve been screaming for years! Musicians are the wizards God sends here to help ZAP “us” out of “us”. For me, this particular musician is a killer and I cannot listen to this song without sobbing for my kids’ lost childhoods. As soon as it begins, I literally imagine myself slipping on the worn and tattered shirt that’s a metaphorical remnant of what was supposed to be the happiest days of their lives, then sitting atop a faded rainbow and grieving for them. Yes, my childhood was shattered, too, but, oh, how different things could have been for all of us had they not been forced to walk across my broken pieces.
So, with that, I’ll close with this …
I once read a quote that said, “Never let your storm get your kids wet”. Well, this is me after finally forcing myself to SIT in the storm I rained upon the two people in the world I was charged to protect the most in a shirt dripping with tears of guilt and shame. Yes, I’ve forgiven myself for my many failures as a mother. Yes, I believe they’ve forgiven me, too. Nevertheless, if there’s just one song that’s meant to be a poignant reminder of what we’ve all been through together, then so be it. I pray to God that my babies’ babies won’t, too, be sitting atop a faded rainbow of their own one day in my irrepressible shirt—and that this season of change holds steady.
TO MY BABIES:
Once you’ve finally had the time and space to read through this “feeling kinda sorry for myself” soliloquy, know that it’s from a place so deep within my heart that even with all my seemingly endless words, I really have no words. Although for some reason you both seem to have forgiven all of us for totally obliterating your “childhoods” and forcing you to choke on an endless stream of “sugary piss water“, that doesn’t mean I don’t still carry that guilt and shame with me like a cross. It’s okay … I earned this cross and maybe I was meant to have to carry it to remind myself of not only where I came from, but mostly where I want you to go. Please break this cycle for my grandbabies. I love you both and I’m sorry.
Holding your breath. Holding your tongue. You’re only holding yourself back. So much to say. So far to run out from the shadows you have cast. Closing the door. Closing your eyes. You’re only closing yourself off. So much to see. So much to try. Don’t be afraid of what you want. Oh, the best days of your life have yet to come. It’s okay. It’s alright to open up. You don’t owe anybody anything! Life is yours to live anyway you please.
NO APOLOGIES!
No promise left for you to keep. You can be whoever you want to be.
NO APOLOGIES!
Don’t want to be no one else! What you see is what you get! No one to please!
NO APOLOGIES!
This most epically beautiful Trapt song was released on this day in 2010, during a time in my life when I was still desperately searching for my missing words, the voice to speak them, and the courage to SCREAM them to all the people, places, and things I’d once allowed to keep me chained to the ground and flightless—not the least of those “people” being me, myself, and ME!
The first time I heard it, it all but seared itself onto my heart and became one of my mantras. I’ve listened to it faithfully ever since—sometimes almost daily—as a reminder to NEVER slip back into the colorless shadows I worked so hard to step out of. If you’ve never heard it before and are searching for the perfect song to serenade yourself with when you need to be reminded of who you are, where you came from, and where you’re headed, may I suggest adding it to your playlist? In the meantime, please just keep the faith and keep heading toward The Light. YOU GOT THIS!
A very special young man, Paul Tran, who I met through my son’s gun-building community and now consider a friend, wrote what I consider to be one the most remarkable posts I’ve ever seen on social media about “being his own soldier“. Although he wrote it some months ago and I immediately knew I’d be blogging it, I wanted the perfect “day” for its debut. Well, that day is today, in honor of his beloved homeland’s 70th Anniversary of “Hanoi Liberation Day“. He wrote:
“YOUR OWN SOLDIER!”
You don’t need a military ID to prove that you are a soldier. You can prove it on the battlefield. I’m my own soldier. Over the years in my life, I always try to find my answer and what l’m worth fighting for. I finally got my answer. I fight and defend for my friends, family, and loved ones. That is what I am fighting for. Being a soldier is strength, courage, intelligence, and hope. I’m soldier of Vietnam, the Great Southern Gun & Knife Show, and the gun community of the United States and Canada. I don’t care about getting medals or being a hero. I only care about inspiring others to believe in themselves and be your own soldier. Fight what you believe in what is right for you. Choose your own fight, battle, and war. Fight and defend your friends, family, and loved ones. If your friends, family, and loved ones are human or not. I always love, care, and protect them. Fight for the people you love in your life. I will show the enemy. I’m not afraid of the enemy because I won’t back down without a fight. I will raise my guns on the battlefield. I will fight like hell, Army or not. I will keep on fighting until the end! It doesn’t matter if the enemy is from our world or another world.
I’m a soldier!
I fight what I believe is right and fight for peace and freedom.I will be the last soldier standing on the battlefield. My heart and spirit will carry on the strength and courage inside of me as a soldier.
Keep on fighting until the war is won!
(by Commander Paul Tran)
For the record, I have never come across a person who is so vehemently and unapologetically proud of his homeland and nationality, which in and of itself is remarkable. Commander Tran, my friend? I SEE YOU! You got this, young man! SOLDIER ON!
It’s called perspective, folks, and without it you’re deaf, dumb, and blind! For the record, there are literally not enough words in my vocabulary to express the amount of pride I feel that I get to call “THE GENERAL” my cousin! Marcus Aurelius is one of his heroes? Lol! The real irony here is that my cousin is one of mine! This is saying a lot, by the way, since I famously—or is it infamously?—have very few.
Well, folks! It’s that day again, “World Day of Bullying Prevention,” and imma let you in on a “little” secret. Bullies only bully because of that metaphorical four-foot-two leprechaun of a “person” hiding way down deep inside of them (regardless of their size, gender, or status) who only sees a hobbit of an existence when they look into the mirror of their life. So, bullying others is the only way they can grow the inner shrinky-dink they see in their self-reflection:
The “Napoleon complex” is an informal stereotype suggesting that domineering or aggressive behavior can be used to compensate for perceived physical or social inadequacy. It is not a clinical diagnosis.
Paraphrased from the Wikipedia overview of the Napoleon complex
Meanwhile …
Seneca once said:
All cruelty springs from weakness.
Oh, hi there Lord Maximus Farquaad, ya weak-ass little BIG MAN! It’s okay … I “see” you way down there desperately trying to make yourself feel BIGGER by kicking people to the ground with that BIG little mouth of yours! Whether or not your mommy loved you—which, let’s face it, could indeed be the BIGGEST part of your LITTLE “Whoopee! Look at me being HUGE and SIGNIFICANT!” problem—remember that GOD loves you, and therefore, so do I. But, umm … it’s really kinda hard for the world at LARGE not to laugh at you while you’re having to stand on top of people to make yourself … err … “taller”!
Bye, everyone, it’s me, CAT! Oh, and for the record, to any man or woman out there reading this who’s not a Rock-sized mountain of a human, please know that in no way are my words intended to offend or poke fun at your dimensions. Some of the greatest, most powerful, and GIGANTIC men I’ve been honored to know are not exactly what one would call “towers.” It’s the size of their heart, soul, character, and integrity that make them Adonis-sized presences in any space they occupy—and therefore loved, adored, and respected far beyond any measuring stick!
When they ask me who’s the luckiest, I will tell them it’s the mothers, for the mother has a capacity to love far greater than the others. If she has a son, it will be the last man she ever falls for with her soul, and if she has a daughter, she’ll give her everything she ever needed for her own console. They go through so much trying to raise us and they push us forward when we cry, and they cry more, but in secret, while they praise us once their face is dry. The love they have for us is unbreakable, even thought sometimes we break them. We claim they overstep the walls of our boundaries even though we overstretch the walls of their womb to give us life. And so she pretends to not be hurt, to be respectful of what we think we need, and gives us the room to grow, but the mother is the luckiest, and she says, “One day they will know”.
How little did I know that when I met you, you were already at war with yourself and the demons that were swimming in the waters beneath your soul. You’d hidden all your scars so well that at first I honestly didn’t see it. Eventually, there I stood with you … side by side on the front lines against a Molotov cocktail of monsters we never saw coming, but also very much did. While I suppose I could say that my kids and I became the collateral damage of your internalized emotional warfare, I cannot. We were casualties of something far worse: “Her“.
I am the way, and the truth, and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me.
{John 14:6}
PICTURE IT:
Me, kneeling at the “panic chair” in front of my bed EVERY night, making the sign of the cross: “In the name of The Father, The Son, and The Holy Spirit,” and praying like a six-year-old. Yup. That’s me! Then, in the morning, I wake up, my feet hit the ground, the devil shits his pants, everything gets handled, and in true “God’s Favorite Daughter” style, I … am … ALWAYS … winning (even when I’m losing)!
This entry doesn’t really need much explanation, except that to say that indeed, I have accomplished my task, ’cause as you may or may not know by now, I love the ever loving SHIT out of myself! Why is that you ask? Because every single time I look at my reflection in a mirror, it’s not me I see … IT’S HIM:
No, I take that back. What I really meant to say is YOU AND GOD! Not you and someone else. Not you and somewhere else. Not you and strangers, fame, fortune, stuff, drugs, alcohol, food, or lust. Just you, yourself, and that EPIC fucking reflection in the mirror that you’ve been refusing to make peace with and fall in love with the way God fell in love with you two billion infinite eons before you were even born. He never meant for us to seek the pleasures of this world … that’s the trick the devil did. God wants to be the One to bring you happiness and peace, because if anyone besides us knows how the world keeps disappointing us, it’s Him! He wants us to turn to Him, then right back to ourselves, so we don’t hurt ourselves or anyone else for sport.
Beautiful new frontier! High above the rain in the atmosphere … what wonders I have discovered! My soul is ever clear. Never felt the way I do with You here. I hope there’s never another. So, sing tonight! I’m ever bright! Burning through space … I see Your face … I could beat kryptonite! I’m so alive, forever high! I love You, Papa! I’ll wait if You take forever long and keep listening for Your song.
God (to Me):
Hold on, my dear, there’ll be no fear! You’re leaving this world behind. Far away above the Earth we’ll soar through the curvature away from all our dark matters and escape the barriers you’ve manufactured going into the hereafter. All good things must come to pass. Now is your time! I love you more, daughter.
Yes, it reduces me to uncontrollable, beautiful tears EVERY single time I hear it.
Yes, I really believe I can hear my Papa’s songs as I’m flying through the curvature of the not-so-dark matters in my soul through space and time, and that He actually rejoices when He hears me singing mine.
Yes, I’ve separated myself and my divinely punctuated soul from the world I used to know and will reintegrate if and when I’m ever ready to. I wouldn’t even want to BE like “everyone else” in the faceless, faithless crowd in the first place, so “crazy” works just FINE for me! At the end of the day, God sees my face and that’s all that really matters.
On this day back in 2015, one of my all-time favorite bands released this song on their album, Threat to Survival. With that, and in continued honor of my birthday yesterday, let me tell you a little story about how I did not become a threat to my own survival, but rather, the very dangerous champion of it …
Once upon a time, there was a girl who had somehow always known that although she could have leveled everything and everyone in her path, she just leveled herself instead.
But then …
… with God not just as her witness, but as well, right by her side, the sleeper cell who’d been trapped inside her tired but still beating heart fighting demons and dragons in the dark WOKE UP! You see, she had finally risen to defend her own occasion, the silent and voiceless damnation of her light-filled soul no longer. So, with sword in hand, and a crown on her head, she’d be the weapon of her own mass destruction no longer. She’s kicked down the barricade, stopped being afraid to change, pushed against the current, and found that crystal ball in the hands of all the strangers who had once been gazing back at her in the mirror. She became a highly decorated veteran of her own war, and weapon of mass destruction to the darkness that lurks within humanity.
By the way? “She” is ME! I guess I have always known that I was a danger to society, but the stronger I’ve become and the further I’ve gotten down this road, the louder I sing this BATTLE CRY out loud to myself every day …
DANGEROUS
I could stand behind my barricade … do what I’m told and be afraid to change … while isolated by the mainstream … with the current up against me. Well, maybe if my arms were ten feet tall, I could finally reach that crystal ball. ‘Cause I still find inside there’s something braver … and I won’t be the silent damnation … I will never be voiceless … my weapon of choice is I’d rather be dangerous! I won’t be left defenseless. As God as my witness, I’d rather be dangerous! I’m not making conversation, but I’ll state my observations. Well, I could buy my faith like a plot in the ground, but I was never lost and I never had a doubt. ‘Cause I still find … it’s not my imagination … and I won’t be the silent damnation … I will never be voiceless … my weapon of choice is I’d rather be dangerous! Everybody is somebody, and anybody is you! I own my story … I won’t say sorry … yeah, and neither should you! {Shinedown}
If you or someone you know is suffering from mental illness, please get help. You are NOT alone and YOU can be a danger to society, too, but in a beautiful and powerful way … like ME!
It’s my 55th birthday, but rather than celebrate me today, I’m opting instead to celebrate and HONOR one of the greatest gifts of my lifetime, my son, on this “National Tradesmen Day“! To know him is to love him, and (ps): I – MADE – HIM! I’m so beyond proud of my “bougie college Fonzie” with dirty hands, a brilliant mind, and the trash to treasure heart of his momma!
“Bougie college people” in crisp, clean, buttoned up white collars that handle all the biz? WE NEED THEM! But “tradesmen” in not so crisp, grease covered T-shirt’s with holes in ’em who handle all the rest of the business while … no offense … the “bougie people” are off playing golf, watching the stock market, and not “typically” building things with their own hands? WE NEED THEM, TOO! (By the way, “building” a fresh out of the box four seater dinette from Ikea to put in your DE-luxe apartment in the sky doesn’t count.)
My kid?
HE DOES BOTH!
Well, not the golf thing, lol, but he does watch the stock market and can handle his “business”. Golf is an epic sport, by the way. Don’t get me wrong. Actually? Now that I think of it, my son graduated “bougie high school” in 2011 with one of the greatest golfers on the PGA Tour, Jordan Spieth. But I’ve digressed …
But, alas! He cleans up just fine when either me or “THE girl” drag him out from under the belly of a beast to make him go “BOUGIE” the town with us! Lol. That poor future daughter-in-law of mine is gonna be using A LOT of degreaser in her laundry room. In fact? I think I just thought of something epic I can do for her when they finally get hitched: A “Dawn Dishwashing Soap Bridal Shower”!
One last note, just to be clear: I’m in no way mocking the well-educated white collar professionals of the world. As I said before, we very much DO need them! Further, yes, I know that SMU is not a true Ivy League college. It is, however, a “Southern Ivy“. Not that it really matters, but I mean no disrespect whatsoever to any Ivy Leaguers who happen to see this.
On this day fourteen years ago, Linkin Park released what I believe is their most powerful song of all. “Wretches & Kings” is about rising up against those who would abuse their positions of power, and while of course we’ve theoretically moved past the counterculture of the 60’s and 70’s, to me, the song is still very much relevant today. It begins with the soundbite of U.S. educator and Free Speech activist, Mario Savio, making his famous “Bodies Against The Gears” speech on December 2, 1964.
Look at this video of my “Rambo Barbie” daughter. She’s a size 4 little girl who dresses up REAL nice when it’s time to go to the dance, but has otherwise been TRAINING for a while now. Meanwhile, her brother, my 31 year old, has his FFL and builds, sells, trades, refurbs, and TRAINS with them, too, because even though he also isn’t a soldier, like us, he lives in a world chock full of bat shit fucking crazies who will one day make fodder of those who are not TRAINING!
At the end of the day, this widowed single momma’s baby girl ain’t flying the coop without her CDL, plenty of “packages”, and the TRAINING to put them to use God forbid the unthinkable comes to her doorstep. You best believe that no one will come for her or hers without her at least trying to defend herself and her domain!
By the way, can I just say that one hasn’t lived until they’ve watched a gun range full of grown men with their mouths on the floor as what appears to be a silly teenage girl makes smiley faces on the mug of the paper guy at the end of her lane! She’s GOOD I’m tellin’ ya, and should probably be shooting competitively. Time will tell, but as for now, her only “competition” is anyone who doesn’t get the cryptic message in Chester’s words:
To save face, how low can you go? Talk a lotta game, but yet you don’t know. Static on the wind makes us all say WHOAH! The people up top push the people down low. GET DOWN and obey every word. Steady get in line if you haven’t yet heard! Wanna take what I got? DON’T BE ABSURD!
The bottom line is THIS:
I’m raising a Rambo Barbie QUEEN, not some pretty but clueless WRETCH! So, yes, she’s gonna be packin’ and prepared for any and all unforeseen absurdity! So, to anyone out there who would critique someone for the “nonsense” of training for an imaginary battle they think is never gonna happen, let’s just see whose running towards all the doomsday preppers and the Mad Max Barbie’s they’re turning out for help when the shit hits the fan someday and the guns really are unloading! Imagine having to hide behind a girl because you were too foolish not to be preparing to protect your raisins! I’m actually picturing it in my mind right now and it’s EPIC!
It’s World Suicide Prevention Day, so, it’s only fitting to share this poignant message by Dr. Jordan B. Peterson about “that thing” that no one ever really wants to talk about. Thirty short but very POWERFUL seconds. Watch it for me, please, and in honor of my husband who lost his battle with the black hole of darkness on August 22, 2019, then tell me you didn’t get at least one tear in your eye.
In the meantime, if you’re that person who’s trapped in the throes of the very unpopular monster of mental illness, please know that YOU MATTER, and yes, your absence will be felt … if by no one else, BY ME! You see, like it or not, I am deeply and intrinsically connected to the “Nothing, Everything, and ALL OF IT” of this Big Blue Marble and the The Cosmos that holds and keeps Her spinning, up to and including YOU! Fight the good fight, my friend. You deserve so much more than a life consumed with dark sorrows. I love you.
For the record, thank you so much to the talented musician and author of this song, Mick Blankenship, who I was lucky enough to stumble upon during the even darker sorrow of grief after losing Zack. Not only does it offer an outlet for the avalanche of emotions that can be difficult, if not impossible for someone who’s actually in “the hole” to express (and remind them that they are not alone), likewise does it offer a glimpse into the broken heart, mind, and soul of someone who’s struggling in the darkness, thus helping their loved ones with that all too familiar question:
What is going on in their head?
… or worse yet …
What WAS going on in their head?
Trust me when I say that I know from whence I speak, since I am not just a suicide loss survivor … I’m a suicide attempt survivor, too. I’d be lying if I said that every time I watch this video I don’t literally picture my husband sitting in the front seat of his car with that God forsaken Springfield. I’ve watched it over and over and over and it makes my heart bleed every time. So, I keep on watching it anyway to remind myself of exactly why I literally have to keep fighting this fight and walking towardsThe Light and not away from it. I’m doing this for him, for me, and the people who truly would feel the absence of “the hole” I’d leave behind if I don’t keep kicking “Pain & Suffering” in the face.
For the record, thank you SO much to the VERY few people who have supported my AFSP Out of the Darkness Walk in October. There may only be three of you, but your support means the actual world to me and I will be walking my ass off for this cause. And to those of you out there who I have faithfully, loyally, and consistently supported in every aspect of your lives while asking nothing in return … I SAW THAT! Lol, I know that times are tough right now, but don’t tell me you don’t have two dollars and two minutes! Crowdfunding WORKS, but in order for it to really work, one has to have a crowd. Where’s my crowd, people?
MY DARK SORROW
Have you tried to fly with broken wings? Imagine the fall … one step from your dream. The wolves are digging at my door … the shadows crawling on the wall … so hollow inside. That’s what takes the pleasure for me … I can’t run anymore. It’s like I’m dying inside. When no one gets your brokenness, you try to hide behind your scars, and I don’t want to care anymore. A little more now that I’m suffering … I’ve opened the door … the darkness of my mind. I’m shaking from the endless cold, but you won’t like where darkness goes, so, run and hide. I don’t know if I can hold on. I don’t know if I can be strong. All I know is what I believe, and I believe the pain in me will be the one to set me free.
A line often attributed to the Sufi poet and mystic Rumi says, “The cure for the pain is in the pain.” I couldn’t agree more. Like the most beautiful, albeit bittersweet, dances with love, that wisdom has transcended time and space.
As for me, I believe pain and suffering have also transcended time and space through the root systems of our family trees. The agony lives on until someone finally says, “No more!” and decides to calm the fire of that generationally gifted pain within themselves. That’s how we begin to stop the toxins that poisoned our roots from bleeding through the hearts of the generations that follow.
… the Monday after he shot himself, someone hauled my ass to the doctor. They wanted to make sure I was medicated so that I could function. So, they put me on a prescription of something for 30 days. Umm, I don’t even know what it was. I just remember I was numb. My mom came to move in to the house with me for a while. Of course, I didn’t leave my room unless I had to … to handle, like, the business of it all … go the funeral home, make the arrangements … but I didn’t leave my room that much. Plus, they were shoving drugs down my throat to help me cope with everything. And, umm, I had a 30-day prescription of whatever it was. Honestly? I couldn’t tell you what they had me on. I wanna say it was Klonapin. Whatever it was, it was pretty effective. I was numb … I couldn’t feel anything … but after my prescription was over on the 30th day … 35 days later I guess we’ll just call it … I had no more medication. I had no more … nothing to numb the pain or the reality or to change anything, and it was time for me to wake up and smell the coffee.
And you know what? I remember that I have these blinds in my room. Well, it was our room. We kept the blinds down all the time to black out all the Sun. We would do that at night, so … we liked to sleep in the total darkness. And they had those blinds down. For 30 days in a row, I never opened them throughout the whole medication process after the 22nd. But, on the day that my medicine ran out, there was nobody there, my mom had already gone home. It was just me and the dog and my new reality … my new life … and I got up and I put my feet on the ground and I just … I remember going to the window, and I opened up my blinds, and I looked out into the backyard. I looked at the Sun. I look at the sky. It was a blue sky. It was really pretty outside. It was September. It was the end of September when that day happened, and I just made a decision. I said to myself, “I can either let this define me or I can not. I can either be a victim or not. I can either crumble or not. I can either get up or stay down.” And I made the decision to get up and that was then.
I’m so glad. I’m so thankful. I’m so thankful for everything I’ve been through in the last … not just the last 283 days or whatever … I’m so thankful for everything that I’ve been through in the last 50 years. I’m gonna cry. I wouldn’t change a thing! Everything. Every moment. Every time I’ve fallen. Every time I’ve risen. In the darkest hours of my life, that’s where I found the richest blessings. That’s where I found myself. I found myself in all my broken pieces. All of that pain … the pain that I have experienced has been my greatest gift … my greatest blessing.
I wish so much that I had a way to “ozmose” what I know and how I feel and what I’ve learned on my journey to as many of you as I can, because I know there are people in my atmosphere right now as I’m sitting here waiting for my girls. I call them “my girls”. (My daughter’s friends are my daughters, too. That’s how it’s always been in my house. She’s got a knack for picking amazing girls to surround herself … now, put it this way. She hasn’t always been so good at that, but she’s got a really good tribe now, and these are her tribe for the long haul. I’m thinking that the people that she has in her life right now are gonna be her people 40 years from now. I can tell! But anyway, I’ve digressed.)
I know that there are people in this world at this very minute that are crumbling. They’re questioning … they’re hurting … they’re aching … they’re dying … they’re hiding … they’re fighting for their moment … and I wish that I could just give you what I have and just “poof” it into you, but all I can tell you is just hang on. It’s “Chin Up! Knuckles Out!” You know that’s what I like to say. I’m telling you guys … everything that you need to survive and overcome? It’s inside of you. If I can do this, YOU can do this! I am the happiest fucking bitch I’ve ever met. I really am. I have joy in my heart. I have peace in my heart. I hope I don’t have to leave tomorrow, but if I do, I’m happy. I have lived and I have loved. I’ve had the most amazing pain and the most amazing loves of two men in my life that … three, if you count Christian … my son, Christian … I have been lucky enough to have had the sweetest, most truest love that any woman could have ever had. I’ve had that twice now, and how lucky am I, because there are women in this world that haven’t had that once.
And when I think about all of the things … all of the gifts that those two men left for me, I’m so thankful, because … I wouldn’t change it even if I had known the way the stories were gonna end. As painful as it was to watch the one guy hit the … I watched someone dying on … I’ve watched THREE people die. I watched a daughter die in my arms. I saw a man dying in the street. The man … the first man that I ever loved in my life … I watched him laid out in the middle of the road after he hit a brick wall going 90 miles an hour. I had to see that with my own eyes.
And then I watched my husband “dying out loud“. I watched him. I didn’t … I wasn’t with him when he shot himself, but I watched him dying. I watched it day by day. It was the worst thing. I mean, I can’t even tell you. It was so hard to do. It was unbearable to see a human being dying in front of me. But I did it. But I wouldn’t … and had I … even had I known the way it was gonna end, I wouldn’t trade it. I wouldn’t trade it for the world, because I figured out the secret. I figured out … I figured everything out and I’m so thankful for that.
Please, God, let it be me! Let me be the one to have absorbed the very last drops of poison that bled out and suffocated the rotting roots of our sick and dying tree so that the branches of my children and theirs will reach up and touch the Sun instead of digging back down into hell. I am humbled and honored to have been chosen for such a sacred calling and for getting to know “the secret”.
Happy Birthday to this song I’ve been listening to faithfully for going on thirty-one years now. It, too, has transcended the time, space, and beautiful changing seasons of my life.
One year ago tonight, right around the time this is being posted, two unsuspecting stars crossed paths, and thus began the story of my “Three & Five.” Meanwhile, earlier this week, while I was scrolling around on social media, I ran across these mostimpeccable words of a stranger about “a photograph”:
I hate to say this, but most women will go their entire lifetime and never experience the meaning of actual true love. It’s even slightly depressing to think that most people will never understand how powerful this picture actually is. This gentleman is a prime example of how men should be treating their partner with everyday that passes. We unfortunately live in a generation with men who have no idea what it takes to be a real man. Let me give you a couple examples of a real man … A real man asks about your day and genuinely cares about the answer. A real man respects your boundaries and never forces you to anything you’re not ready to do. He makes time for you, and takes that time to learn and understand who you are as a person. A real man consistently shows you the definition of effort with every day that passes. He will call you randomly throughout the day just to check on you and your mental health. A real man is undeniably committed to you and looks for new ways to fall in love with you with every day that passes. He makes protecting your heart a number one priority. A real man never makes permanent decisions based on temporary emotions. He never confuses you on where you stand in his life. A real man apologizes when he is wrong and stays true to his character. He doesn’t mind hurting other people’s feeling to protect yours. A real man gives you affection without sexual expectation. A real man refuses to entertain any women that isn’t you. He has genuine intentions with you from day one and shows you how it truly feels to be a priority rather an option. A real man will help you heal from the trauma that nobody apologized for. A real man values you and would never put themselves in a position to lose you. Take my advice and wait for the man that never let’s you fall asleep at night questioning your own self worth.
I love you both so much, and believe it or not, this gets to be a special day for me, as well. Abd, you are one of the best things that have ever happened to this crazy family of ours, and we’re so lucky that you haven’t run away screaming by now! Thank you so much not only for loving my daughter but, more so than that, for being “the real and gentle man” who is pictured in the words above. Only God knows what’s in store for both your futures and whether they’re meant to be side by side for the long haul, but for now, just enjoy this season, long as it will hopefully be. Although it is true that loving really can hurt sometimes, it’s the only thing worth really knowing. When it gets hard (and it will get hard sometimes), love is the only thing that can make you alive.
So, keep your sweet love in photographs, kids, and make memories where your eyes are never closed, hearts are never broken, and time’s forever frozen still. No matter what anyone in this world has ever shown or told you before, I am here to tell you that loving really is the only thing that can truly mend your soul. It’s the only thing I know, and ya, hmm, it’s the only thing we’ll be able to take with us when we die.
This morning, I woke up to a text from one of my best friend’s husband letting me know that her daddy has passed away at 3 o’clock in the morning. Honestly? I didn’t know the man from Adam, but here’s what I do know: He had a wife and three daughters whom he loved and loved him back, all of of whom spent the last brutal weeks, days, hours, and minutes of his life with him as they helped him cross over to The Brighter Side. He gave his family the utmost and highest PRIVILEGE of getting to grieve for him.
Meanwhile, after having received yet another most epic of not so impeccable gunfires from “dear ole dad” at just a little past midnight, I texted my sister as soon as I woke up to let her know what he had sent me:
He’s gross. Literally, at 3am this morning one of my best friends from childhood, Lisa, was WITH her mom and and sisters as her dad was crossing over. He’d been sick and battling for months and this last week was brutal for all of them. His entire family was with him through this last part, though, surrounding him with love as he moved on to the BEST part of his already epic story. Meanwhile, what will WE get? Onions. We’ll get a bag of fucking yellow ONIONS! Well, at least that’s what I’ll have. A giant bag of yellow onions which are the ones that make you cry the most so that I can do my best acting job EVER for my mother and son’s sake. As she was going through this awful process with her dad this last week with having to make the really tough family decisions that no one ever wants to make … like … shutting off the oxygen machine, removing feeding tubes, then bringing him back home to die in some kind of “peace”, I just kept trying to picture dad in that scene and at least TRY to find some type of emotion or guilt or reason to want to care about what either happens or doesn’t happen with “IT“, I just couldn’t do it. Zero. I got ZERO! Just onions. The same thing happened a couple of months ago when Tonya and the girls were sending Betty “Home”. I actually got to be there for part of the last process, hold her hand, thank her for the gift of her son who I got to love, then say my goodbyes and CRY. But again, when I tried picturing dad laying in HER place, I couldn’t feel a thing. GROSS! It’s all so GROSS!
For the record and for those of you who are new here and don’t already know the “what I’ve done” to be so ashamed of mentioned in his text, “what I’ve done” to my “father who’s dying” is cut ties with him completely because of his abuse, disdain, and putrid disrespect for my mother, son, and future daughter-in-law.
I love and miss you every single second of every single day. That being said, what hasn’t killed me has truly only made me stronger, and I’m alright now. Pray God that you are, too. In the meantime, I absolutely REFUSE to chase our old horizons; instead, I let them propel me up and out from the deadest of seas.
I never thought I’d see the day that I wouldn’t see your face. Looking back, God, I wish I had known that I’d love you then have to let go, ’cause you brought out the best in me. You always saw a light no one else could see. I know that you’re gone, but I promise I won’t forget. I wish that I could call you up just to hear your voice … that would be enough … and we’d laugh like we’re back at the start and pretend we’re not falling apart. And sometimes we would hurt each other, but you saved me from going under. We didn’t last forever, but I won’t forget ya. Thanks for the memories. Here’s to the memories! I miss you more than you know.
Thank you for all the memories, ’cause I’m sure You know what they mean to me. (They mean that I’m still alive and well enough to remember them.) You are The One who gives me peace when they’re no one left and hold me close at my loneliest. Here’s to all my beautiful memories!
Then it happened, when the musician played, that the hand of the Lord came upon him.
[2 Kings 3:15 NKJV]
The happiest 35th birthday EVER to one of THE greatest rock ballads of all time, Tesla’s “Love Song“! With that, I thought today would be the perfect day to share one of the most epic love letters I’ve ever received from my Papa in yet another “great alchemy” via the powerful lyrics to this song back during those darkest of my days when, although He was, indeed, there with me, all the people, places, and things of “this world” were blocking His Light:
Daughter,
So you think that it’s over? That your love has finally reached the end? Any time you call, night or day, I’ll be right there for you if you need a friend. It’s gonna take a little time. Time is sure to mend your broken heart. Don’t you even worry, pretty darlin’. I know you’ll find love again. Yeah. Love is all around you. Love is knockin’ outside your door. Waitin’ for you is this love made just for two. Keep an open heart and you’ll find love again, I know.
Oh, and by the way … do you remember that time you asked how I could ever be proud of you and all your catastrophes and chaos? Umm, THAT’S what makes you YOU, kiddo! You’re MY broken, messy, beautifully disastrous, living, breathing masterpiece in color, and I do so truly love you, Catherine, and you really are my favorite.
… Wow! What an absolutely beautiful day it’s been! I sailed right through what I suppose could have been an “8.8” tailspin like the risen QUEEN I truly am! Meanwhile, here’s how many graves I will need to bury everything that has EVER died inside of me:
As for all of the people, places, and things that have fallen to their demisearound me? Not my circus! Not my monkeys! Not my responsibility! Yes, that’s harsh … I KNOW! But you see, at the end of this all, it is my very strong suspicion that I’ll be sitting down with “The Powers That Be” to rehash and account for my life, no one else’s, and therefore I shall not invest or insinuate myself into too many “people, places, and things” that are out of my control.
I once read somewhere that I don’t need to fix or concern myself with every broken, dying, or dead thing that crosses my path, because some things either prefer to stay broken or just NEED to fall to their death. So? I will continue to choose my battles wisely with nothing but love and care in my heart for the things that truly matter, and the wisdom to know when to let go of things that aren’t sustainable.
Bye everyone, it’s me, CAT, and yes, I’m STILL alright! Dare I say I’m better than alright! Everything that’s ever tried to kill me really has only made me stronger! THANKS FOR ASKING!
They say nobody is coming to save you, but many people have saved me, even if they didn’t intend to. It can be as small as a smile from a stranger, a nudge from animal, words from a writer, the lyrics to a song, an observant friend. We are all saving each other every single day, in tiny seemingly insignificant ways.
(Iris Rose)
On this day six years ago, Shinedown released this banger of a song that I belt out loud to myself at least a couple times a week. As a matter of fact, this is its second appearance here in The Diary. How little did I know, though, that on the same date one year later, the trajectory of my life would be making a shift for the what the actual fuck:
Thursday, August 8th, 2019, things seemed to be looking up. It was his day off, but we’d decided to split for the day so that I could take Gia for school shopping and lunch while he went and ran some errands of his own. When he walked out the door, he seemed to be in genuinely good spirits, and as you can see from our credit card statement, we’d had a productive day. Me? Shopping. Having lunch with our daughter. Living life in the moment and excited for the double date later that night with our sweethearts. We were happy. We had a family. We had a home. We had a king waiting for us at that home who loved us more than words could say. He was our everything. HE WAS OUR ROCK!
So, with that, this is me and my happy ‘lil vertebrae compadre screaming out to YOU:
Although at times it may seem that you’re riding out the most torrential storms of your life all alone, I am here to tell you that there is love and support around you everywhere. Whether you know me personally or have gotten to know me here, it’s no secret to anyone that I am not that “peopley” of a person. While I do have a healthy handful or two of truly close “got your clockers” in my atmosphere who I know I can always count on, for the most part, I tend to ride this highway solo. I’m definitely not a “friend collector” and always prefer quality over quantity. That being said, I’ve been blessed to have amassed a tribe of true friends and “vertebrae” from literally all around the world … most of whom I’ve never met and probably never will. Even so, the invisible support system they provide me, whether or not I can “see, hear, or feel them,” sends the most beautiful and vibrant life energy through this cosmos like an electrical cord plugged straight into my spine! So, with that …
🎶
If you were ever in doubt, DON’T SELL YOURSELF SHORT … you might be bulletproof! Hard to move mountains when you’re paralyzed … but you gotta try! I’m calling out:
Get up!
Get up!
GET A MOVE ON!
Mmmkay? MMMKAY! Yes, it’s “August 8th,” and although the mental pictures in my head about this day five years ago could try to bring me to my knees, that devil that so desperately wants to keep me hostage to them still doesn’t seem to know what I know: I am loved! I am supported! I am the favorite daughter of a GODwho IS my C6 and therefore never “all alone”! Nothing is going to steal The Sun from my sky today or take my “Power + Grace,” and NOTHING is going to eclipse the memory of the smiling face of one of the most beautiful human souls I’ve ever known, sad as he may truly have been that night. Bye everyone, it’s me, CAT, and my tiny but mighty ‘lil vertebrae! If I can do this, YOU can do this!
He could’ve bowed out gracefully, but he didn’t. He knew enough to know to leave well enough alone, but he wouldn’t.
(“Every Day” … Rascal Flatts)
On “THIS Day” 10 Years Ago: She’d been throwing up the entire night before and I was completely exhausted. He was still working as a personal trainer at Lifetime then, so, he’d cancelled all his clients to stay home and help me since I could barely function. I’d left them in the living room of our tiny little one-bedroom apartment watching Dora The Explorer and doing puzzles while I took a quick nap. This picture is what I awoke to.
On “THIS Day” 10 Years Ago:The Frog was hard core rocking that real estate license of his, bound and determined to POOF me into a queen and her into a princess … which he did eventually do, because THEN …
On “THIS Day” 8 Years Ago: Our beautiful little family had just landed in paradise with the man who vowed to give us everything, EVERY DAY, not the least of which were a lifetime’s worth of “travel “great adventures” to any place he could manage to take us.
I can only smile and thank God profusely that I got to be his wife. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: I was, am, and will always be THE luckiest woman on the face of this planet that he really was “MINE ALL MINE!” and only ever MINE (and hers) “Every Day” that he was ours.
“Dead flowers for the torn apart, laid at the grave to heal a broken heart. Let it rain until it floods … let The Sun breathe life once more reborn. Wish you the same … to walk beside and carry on this flame. To see you again with a radiance of pure and holy name. When the sorrow, it breaks them … I will replace them for you.”
… and when you walk out your door today, remember to make sure you spend everything in your soul with the utmost of care and leave all the people, places, animals, and things in your path better than you found them. Leave a legacy of SPARKLE AND SHINE wherever you may roam and don’t be the reason people end up in therapy after you kick it! Oh, and ALSO? Have a REALLY good day!
Wait! “Love on purpose?” What does that even mean? It’s simple! It means that we should take a closer look at the things in our life that may be tanking our relationships with both others and ourselves and get them the HELL out of our driveway! It also means being mindful of the things YOU need that will allow your relationships to flourish!
Time. Just watching the time slippin’ away. Gimme a sign. Where do you go when you can’t find the way? So, we watch and we wait and we crawl and we kneel. If you know who you are then you know how to feel in time. Maybe temptation is all that you need? Love don’t lie. It lifts you up. Takes you higher when high ain’t enough! Love don’t lie. It’s stronger than steel. It’s got the heart and emotion to heal! It’s not as easy as it seems when you can’t even sleep in your dreams. Love don’t lie, and that’s the truth! Look me straight in the eye for the proof that love don’t lie! Out in the cold with a love that burns like the sun. You’ve stolen my soul. So, justice would seem to be done. So, we hope and we pray and we live and we learn. If we know where we are, then we know where to turn in time. Maybe persuasion is all that you need? {Def Leppard}
… meanwhile, and don’t know which parent out there needs to hear this right now, but you can can refuse to force your children to have relationships with toxic relatives and allow, if not encourage them to cut the chord!
But … c’mon, Cat! They’re family! They’re BLOOD!
Really?
But … c’mon, genius! THEY’VE HURT YOUR KIDS!
Hello? Have you heard anything I’ve said? Blood isn’t always healthy. If it’s too thin? It can bruise, wound, and cause you to bleed out. If it’s too thick? It can clot, clog, suffocate, and block the flow to your heart and kill you.
Here’s me guessing you’re not gonna have a very happy 77th birthday today, “dad”! Yup, I know you’re watching my social media and snooping around in this Diary. Didja really think I’m that stupid? Looks like you’ll be spending your special, special day ALONE! You see, that‘s what happens when you write the words, “I hope she fucking falls off the cruise ship and drowns” about myfuture daughter-in-law! By the way? You’re GROSS! K, bye now!
“THREE“: She’s my beautiful muse of a number three child in order of birth. “FIVE”: NOT mine by birth, but fifth in the order of children I’ve been lucky enough to know and love as my own in this lifetime. So?
Three + Five = MINE!
HAPPY 21ST,
NUMBER FIVE!
No, you’re not “mine” by birth, but then again, you are! God bless the beautiful woman who brought you into this world, by the way, ’cause she did a pretty stellar job with you and we are all so lucky to have you in our atmosphere! I truly cannot wait to hopefully meet the lady who raised you one day. Until then, yes, I’m very much counting my blessings today, and you, young man, are amongst my greatest.
And by the way …
I find it absolutely no coincidence that on this day exactly twenty-one years ago two of the most important things in my daughter’s life thus far were born. To know her well is to know that Three Days Grace is one of her “life bands”, if not THE band of her entire LIFETIME! They are to her what Death Punch is to me and they all but wrote the soundtrack to her life!
… and when they ask me, “What did you do with your life?” I’ll say, “I gave birth to a dancing star whom I was honored to call my daughter!”
Look, although I may not have known exactly what kind of girl I wanted to raise on the day that she was born (at exactly 4:29pm, by the way … the moment this post is being published), I’ve ended up with a force to be reckoned with — very much like myself — who carries rainbows, sunshine, fluffy clouds, thunder and firestorms from actual HEAVEN in her eyes, and magic in her soul! She’s never afraid to get her pretty little hands dirty and do the work that some in this world refuse to, those being the work of the earth and the heart. Indeed, she is my muse, God’s OTHER favorite daughter, my living crown and legacy, and I am so beyond freaking proud of her!
Gia, I don’t know what I did to deserve to get to be your mama, but just know that someday, if I decide to finally grow up, I’m hoping to be more like YOU! In the meantime, in a world full of “PICK ME! PICK ME!” clueless, shallow, and BASIC little girls, off you go to blaze fires and trails of your own. I’M HERE FOR IT! I love you, Mona Lisa! Here’s to your next open chapter of stealing The Sun from the sky!
Perhaps one of the most overlooked pleasures in life is the ability to rise above the incessant “need” for pleasure. Look, I’m not saying that a little bit of pleasure from time to time isn’t epic. I’m a human, not a robot, and yes, I very much like having fun! I don’t go looking for it, though. Rather, I just let it all come to me organically as a reward for at least attempting to live with virtue and integrity. Why is that, you ask? Because a life without virtue that seeks excessive worldly pleasure is nothing but a trap—one that keeps you tethered to the constant pursuit of “the next best thing” and unable to live in the present, especially during its not-always-exciting moments.
I mean, HELLO? Do you know the story of my husband? He kept trying to plug all those holes in his heart with the “stuff” and accompanying pleasure he only thought would close the gap between all of the broken and missing pieces inside of him and the temporary relief it would bring.
Could I find enough love for myself to make these jagged pieces worth putting together? I have looked to find strength in so many “things” because I feel it is not within me, but deep down inside I know it is there. One day soon I will gather up these pieces again. Fit them together the way they are supposed to go. These shards will become my strength. My protection. My weapons against further abuses of my worth and love.
No amount of money or “things” could buy him the peace and happiness he needed to survive. “The frog turned prince” who started with nothing, then found a way to have everything, still went to his grave with “all of it” yet NOTHING. “Everything in moderation,” folks. Unless you’re a five-year-old who literally can’t help but chase after every balloon that blows past his face, sometimes you just gotta grow up and learn to empty your cup, sit with yourself, and just revel in all the boring stuff.
Well, folks! I have some pretty big news! Be it known to all that on the very last day of our 2024 annual family vacation, at just about 4:00 p.m., beneath a tree in the same moss-covered Japanese Garden at Butchart Gardens in Victoria, British Columbia, Canada, that we visited back in 2017, my firstborn finally took a knee and made not just one, but two very happy women even happier!
To say I’m elated wouldn’t quite do justice to the feelings of not just pride and joy, but even more so peace of mind, knowing that this girl we’ve all grown to love and adore so much will soon become a permanent part of my little family’s brand-new legacy. This is their song, by the way—which is why the precious video nugget of “the moment” is set to it.
Good enough. But Jean-Claude Van DAMN, sometimes that process can be confusing. So how do we get to “know ourselves”?
BY KNOWING WHO WE’RE NOT!
With that, and in honor of National Onion Day, just consider yourself an onion and start peeling back all your layers. As far as I’m concerned, it is only through the process of elimination that we can truly discover the most authentic version of who we are at our core.
Look, the sobering truth is that life can get pretty noisy for all of us … especially when it comes to “peopling” our way through other people’s perspectives and opinions. But once you start removing all the background noise and distractions, finding the first edition of “you” becomes elementary. At the end of the day, my greatest prayer is that after you’re done peeling, you’ll find yourself standing in the reflection of God.
MISSING PERSON
Another question in me … one for The Powers That Be. It’s got me thrown, so I put on my poker face and try to figure it out … this undeniable doubt. A common occurrence … feeling so out of place. Guarded and cynical now … can’t help but wonder how my heart evolved into a rock beating inside of me. So, I feel such a stoic ordeal. Where’s that feeling that I don’t feel? There was a boy who had the faith to move a mountain, and like a child he would believe without a reason. Without a trace, he disappeared into the void and I’ve been searchin’ for that missing person. Under a lavender moon … so many thoughts consume me. Who dimmed that glowing light that once burned so bright in me? Is this a radical phase … a problematical age … that keeps me running from all that I used to be? Is there a way to return … is there a way to unlearn … that carnal knowledge that’s chipping away at my soul. I’ve been gone too long. Will I ever find my way Home? There was a boy who had the faith to move a mountain, and like a child he would believe without a reason. He used to want to try to walk the straight and narrow. He had a fire and he could feel it in the marrow. It’s been a long time and I haven’t seen him lately, but I’ve been searchin’ for that missing person.
While you likely believe that the fortress you have forged out of callousness, bitterness, and unspeakable pain and sadness is keeping you safe and serving you well, let me assure you that it is NOT! Trust me when I say it, ’cause I’ve been there and done that, too! Once upon a time (and sometimes even now), I was the reigning QUEEN of “Go away and just leave me the fuck alone!”
Yeah, I get it, you’re an outcast … always under attack … always comin’ in last … bringin’ up the past! No one owes you anything! I think you need a shotgun blast … a kick in the ass! So paranoid! WATCH YOUR BACK! Oh my, here we go! Another loose cannon gone bipolar. Slipped down, couldn’t get much lower. Quicksand’s got no sense of humor. I’m still laughin’ like hell! You think that by cryin’ to me … lookin’ so sorry … that I’m gonna believe you’ve been affected by a social disease? WELL, THEN TAKE YOUR MEDICINE! I’m so sick of this tombstone mentality. If there’s an afterlife, then it’ll set you free. But I’m not gonna part the seas … you’re a self-fulfilling prophecy. I created the sound of madness … Wrote the book on pain … somehow, I’m still here to explain that the darkest hour never comes in the night. You can sleep with a gun, but WHEN YOU GONNA WAKE UP AND FIGHT FOR YOURSELF?
Shinedown, “Sound of Madness”
Happy Birthday to Shinedown’s The Sound of Madness! May its title track live on in infamy as the hard-to-swallow truth pill and fight song for all the ones who got left behind but then found their will to SHINE DOWN!
