Don Miguel Ruiz’s book, The Four Agreements was published TWENTY-FIVE years ago today! Well, put it this way, “November 7th” is the most definitive anniversary date I have yet to find on it from, so, I’ve just always rolled with, celebrated, and “honored it” on this day.
It was during 2010 while I was in the fledgling stages of crawling out of the beautiful wreckage from my nervous breakdown and accompanying stay at that, err, “spa” I love to LOVE so much in Wickenburg, Arizona, “The Meadows“, when a dear friend and mentor of mine who I’d hired as a life coach for a few months introduced me to it. Lol, I walked in for my weekly session that Friday, sat down in the chair, she handed me the book, and said,
Okay, little one. Time’s up! Your session is over, and by the way I’m not even charging you for today. Just take this with you, read it ALL, and I’ll see you back here next Friday.
No, literally, those were her EXACT “impeccable words”, and that conversation is tattooed on my heart with the most powerful branding iron of all ::: LOVE! (NOTE :: She had me at “little one”!) All I can tell you is that this SHORT and SWEET ‘lil book of ancient Toltec life nugget wisdom changed the entire trajectory of my formerly broken mind and perspective. If you’ve never read it, I cannot recommend it enough. It really IS “short and sweet”, and even the slowest reader can get through it in less than a day.
It is time, once again, for another “Tale Of Two Quotes“. If you scroll to the right of the three pictures above, you’ll find a famous quote by Marie Curie, the Polish chemist and physicist who was at the forefront of some major research and discoveries on radioactivity.Today is her birthday, actually, which is why I’ve posted this in The Diary today. Indeed, she was a brilliant human being and barrier breaker. Aside from her most obvious achievements and contributions to modern science and physics, she was also the very first woman to win a Nobel Prize, the first person and only woman to win a Nobel Prize twice, and the only person to win a Nobel Prize in not one, but two scientific fields. Long, long, never-ending Google search wrap sheet short? She was prolly an actual fucking GENIUS! She said:
Nothing in life is to be feared, it is only to be understood.
Okay, I suppose I can see where she was going with this, but umm, I guess my burning question is what did that mean for the people like ME? I mean, although I’m “probably” quite a bit smarter than a fifth grader (although some may beg to differ), I’m clearly no rocket scientist. Lol. I’m more of a creative bird, you know … a heart and soul kinda girl. In many regards, though, I do tend to have the simple and childlike mind of a five year old.
Case in point …
Did you know that I literally pray on my hands and knees at the foot of my bed at least once a day, if not twice, to a “God” I cannot see, which many people DO think makes me crazy – again – like an ACTUAL five year old: “In the name of the Father, Son, and the Holy Spirit … AMEN!”
Lol. I swear sometimes even my dog thinks I’m crazy when he sees me doing my prayer thing or sitting in my “panic chair” either crying in general, crying tears of gratitude, or otherwise just giving thanks to God meditatively. Meanwhile, regardless of whether or not the 50/50 wager I’m making with my eternal soul and salvation is just as dumb as ASS and for NOTHING as many people think, at the end of the day, my faith is what has been my truest saving grace, and as such, there are SO many complicated “life nuggets” and even “rocket science” type dealios in this world that I just leave up to The Pro. I “kiss, kiss, KISS” all my worries, doubts, and fears away like so many leaves blowing in the wind and
One of the best days in my life was the day I figured out that not everything is meant to be understood.
(The Real STUPID Cat Williamson)
Indeed, it is true, that “true freedom is understanding that some things just aren’t meant to be understood“, because they’re NOT! So, with all due respect to you, Madam Curie, imma just KISS this whole “Tale Of Two Quotes” dealio away and, “Keep It Simple STUPID”. As far as I’m concerned, whether you’re a person like me who’s “possibly” smarter than a fifth grader or an actual fucking rocket scientist, there might just be more than one road to our final destination, and YUP, we’re all going in the same direction. Lol. Well, at least some of us, that is. So, be careful how you place your wagers!
SAME DIRECTION
Hey! Whenever I step outside, somebody claims to see The Light. It seems to me that all of us have lost our patience. ‘Cause everyone thinks they’re right, and nobody thinks that there just might be more than one road to our final destination. But I’m not ever going to know if I’m right or wrong, ’cause we’re all going in the same direction. And I’m not sure which way to go, because all along, we’ve been going in the same direction. I’m tired of playing games … of looking for someone else to blame for all the holes in answers that are clearly showing. For something to fill the space. Was all of the time I spent a waste, ’cause so many choices point the same way I was going? So, why does there only have to be only one correct philosophy? I don’t want to go and follow you just to end up like one of them. And why are you always telling me what you want me to believe? I’d like to think that I can go my own way and meet you in the end. {Hoobastank}
For those of you who don’t already know this, I am, indeed, a modern day stoic, which practice, alongside my Christianity, has been one of the most saving of all the graces that have helped keep me standing so strong amidst my storms. So many people have mistakenly assumed that just because I’m a stoic, I don’t have any feelings. NOTHING could be further from the truth. As an empath, I am a walking, taking, BALL of “feelings”, it’s just that I have found a way to rise above, regulate and control them!
Well, in honor of this first day of “Stoic Week 2023“, let’s take a quick look at the four stoic tenets of virtue the ancient Greeks, Romans, and I firmly believe should guide our actions toward doing the right things regardless of less than optimal circumstances we have no control over. We’ll call it “Stocism For Dummies” (which includes me):
WISDOM:
The chief task in life is simply this: to identify and separate matters so that I can say clearly to myself which are externals not under my control, and which have to do with the choices I actually control.
Use your brain, don’t do dumb shit, and sometimes it just IS what it IS. Accept the things you cannot change, have the courage to change the things you can, and move on when it’s over!
(Real Cat)
COURAGE:
Don’t you know life is like a military campaign? You have been stationed in a key post, not some lowly place, and not for a short time but for life.
“Slow your roll, player”, choose long-term well-being over short-term satisfaction, never get too greedy or sloppy, and never take or consume more than you need.
(Real Cat)
So? What have we learned here, kids? Well, I’ll tell ya! It’s that you don’t have to run around in a toga and strappy sandals or share blood with the ancient philosophers to be a modern day STOIC and live a better life. I mean, run around wearing a bedsheet if that’s what floats your boat, but, umm … you do YOU! And while, no, you really can’t control the world that spins around you, you very much can control how you choose to respond. Life is unpredictable, so ya gotta prepare yourself to stand STOIC amidst the storms. Oh, and by the way … you’re welcome!
STANDING IN THE STORM
I still got some life in me. You can try to shake me. I still got some fight in me, but you can never break me, break me. I see the clouds around me start to darken like searchin’ eyes of serpents always watchin’. Tell me I’m still breathin’. Tell me there’s still feelin’. Resistance makes me stronger. It makes me stronger. Time for me to be defiant, ’cause I won’t be silenced when I suffer. Slingin’ shots to Goliath, gonna call down fire and rain and thunder! I see the world around me start to darken. Resistance makes me stronger! So, make me stronger whatever comes. I’m standin’ in the storm like never before. The pressure builds around me. Let the winds surround me. Whatever comes, I’m not givin’ up! Fearless as a lion … not afraid of dyin’ … I still got some life in me! You can try to shake me, but you can never break me! I feel the voices underneath me callin’. I sink into the graveyard of the fallen. Tell me that you hear ’em … tell me that you don’t fear ’em. Resist a little longer … DEATH BEFORE DISHONOR! Nothin’ left to be decided, ’cause I won’t be quiet when they threaten through the hate and all the violence. Got truth on my side and Love’s my weapon! {Skillet}
~ Mine, Theirs & Hers ~~ David & Goliath ~ (by Jack Hayes)
“Good enough then. By the way, some day when I grow up, I hope I can be more like you.”
her:
“Momma, don’t grow up, it’s a trap! Now, let’s get to the barn!”
🖤
… and for those of you who’ve just now stumbled into this Diary, “The monster” is her 5.0 with a standard clutch that she’s hell bent on learning to drift one day. She changes her own oil, wants to learn how to “flip” engines from the pick and pull with her brother, the “engine Jedi“, and to the best of our knowledge is THE only person on her campus on a stick. It befuddles every boy there and some of the teachers. Actually? They’re kinda scared of her.
Meanwhile, she’s maintained an almost perfect 4.0 throughout high school, murdered her SAT without even studying, is a National Merit Scholar, a National HISPANIC Scholar, and so far has earned three major awards, not the least of which is the Presidential Merit from Texas Tech where she’s heading to this fall for her doctorate in veterinary medicine and minor in ranch management so she can “buy us all a dream farm anywhere green and pretty where we can just be happy and free” as she once said. Lol, as if that’s even necessary, since she knows damn well that she’ll never have to work a day in her life because of what Zack left behind for us and will have that dream farm once she graduates. But you see, she doesn’t want anything just handed to her. She wants to earn it for herself.
She’s also a self-taught chef, never has to be asked to help around the house, has never partaken in the typical teenage bullshit such as drugs, alcohol, or skeezing her way through the football team to be popular like some of the girls whose parents are the pillars of righteousness in our diocese. Yes, she’s attending Catholic school, but no longer practices. She respectfully declines the weekly masses, opting instead to foster her relationship with Jesus directly. I’m a fan.
Let’s see, what else? She would and has given “her last dollar” to a homeless person or anyone she perceives as hungry, and once started a holy SHIT STORM in her middle school cafeteria because a group of boys at a gender segregated table got up all at once and sat at another table when the autistic boy they loved to torture sat down with them. So? She picked up her tray, got up from her table and sat with him. When the teachers on duty tried to make her go back to the girls’ table, thus leaving him there alone, she refused:
With all due respect, I won’t just leave Alex here by himself. So, please call my parents if there’s a problem and I’m willing to be sanctioned for this.
Yah, she’s THAT girl, and no one in her halo gets left behind! Meanwhile, of course I’m proud of her, but my obnoxious bragging here isn’t for the reasons you may think. You see, my daughter was also bullied at that very same school from the second grade on by a disease-ridden band of girls in our very small private school, the leader of which was the daughter of her bio father’s girlfriend.
Nobody likes you, Gia. You’re too fat and ugly. Why don’t you just go play with that retard!
That “retard”, by the way, is the autistic kid mentioned above, one of her dearest friends to this day, and “under her protection” at the high school they both where the kids have only gotten crueler and more brazen courtesy of their parents’ “piety payments” to the school to get their names on the benefactor wall of fame and keep their darlings sanctified.
“The Squad” of girls that bullied her (yah, they even gave themselves a name, lol) did so to the point of her suicidality, which in a way was the catalyst (not the reason) for Zack’s suicide. The night he shot himself, she, too, was suicidal, and ended up having to go in patient for some time then withdrawn from that school altogether for the long term outpatient process that followed in an attempt to put her back together before high school in the aftermath of everything that happened to her during what were supposed to be the most carefree and precious years of her life. Did you catch that? I could have lost my husband and daughter to suicide on the same night.
These days, the ever growing shadow she casts in the corridors of that illustrious high school just fades all those assholes who tried to break her out like the ending to a really bad movie. They can’t even look her in the eyes because they KNOW she has something they’ll NEVER have and that SHE owns her power now, THEY DON’T! Lol. Not a single one of those bitches know who or what they are unless someone else tells them, much less what to think, do, or say. It’s laughable!
My point in this dissertation is THIS:
If you’re an adult who’s ever once doubted the power you wield within your soul that is there for the taking if you’ll simply DECIDE to reach in and STEAL it back from those who try to take it from you, know this:
She was just a little girl when the entire world, including us, her fucked parents started dropping bombs of generational family dysfunction on her head. Yet, here she stands today, an AUDACIOUS rising queen, who much like her her mother literally just woke up one day and said, “FUCK THAT! This will NOT be how my story goes down and NO ONE will own my power but ME!”, then she picked up her sword and started slaying her story HER way! She faced herself in the mirror and said,
Now and again we try to just stay alive. Maybe we’ll turn it all around, ’cause it’s not too late . It’s never too late! ( … cue her favorite Three Days Grace song.)
Find a way to rise to the savage royalty that reigns inside that hurt little kid YOU see staring back in the mirror and start running head first into your storms! If SHE can do it, YOU can do it! In the meantime, she’ll be walking with honor cords on May 26th when she grabs that diploma before the simps who tried to extinguish her light, but instead ignited the fire of a truly magnificent beast!
I thank GOD on my literal hands and knees every day for breaking ME into the pieces that are now being infused into not just my masterpiece, but hers and her brother’s. In the end, though, it was her! It was HER all along! SHE’S “the one” who came to flip over all the tables in every room she enters and start sprouting healthier branches on our once sick and dying family tree. At the rate she’s going, it’s possible that her babies, my grand babies, will be the first in a long line of sick and broken people to NOT end up in a psyche ward like their mother, her mother, and countless others. I’m so beyond lucky I was called to be her mom, and some day if I decide to grow up, I can only hope to be as AUDACIOUS as her!
Once upon a time, there was a wee family of cows living on a baron plain ‘neath a grey sky consumed with clouds. The mommy and daddy cows eventually grew tired of the acid rains that were constantly pelting them and their babies, so, they started running away as fast and far as they could with their petrified babies in tow in an attempt to shelter them from any wreckage and fallout:
Let’s PROTECT our little cows like all good parents should and NOT run head first into the stormy weather like all those hellbent crazy buffalos passing us by!
Sooner or later, the baby cows grew up and wandered into even more baron plains than the ones their parents taught them to run from. One of them eventually faced a series of untold turbulence and downpours, and in keeping with what she’d learned in her youth, just kept running to and fro in search of much better places to call home. But, alas, each next grassland and the blue skies above them weren’t ever really as perfect as they appeared!
Many years passed, and the superstorm that had long been gathering caught up to her. By then, she was too tired to run anymore, ill-prepared to face it, and devoid of any further hope. So, she decided to just give up.
From that day forward, she transformed into a fearless buffalo, hellbent to inspire her future generations that its never okay to take the easy way out and run away when storms are coming. She showed them out loud and in living color that with faith, courage, and determination, they could stand strong against even the worst of gales:
We’re as untamed and fierce as even the most torrential skies, and strengthened by our faith in The Unseen that holds us still as we stand against the storms they bring … the risen kings and queens we are become! No more misery, guilt, and shame! No more waiting on the sky to change! We adapt, overcome, transcend, and become whole … then live on to enjoy all the gifts that the grey skies and deluges bring!
~ The End ~
WAITING ON THE SKY TO CHANGE
There’s something in the air … burning ions in the oxygen are all aglow. A feeling everywhere … premonitions of the storm that comes. But I won’t go. I’m done running towards the eyes of tornadoes pretending this is hope. I breathe in the atmosphere … let it wash over my fear of these heights as I transcend and become whole again. I breathe in the atmosphere … let it take me out of here. I won’t live life in the rain waiting on the sky to change. Been frozen since that day I saw my clear blue skies as they turned to gray in front of me. It’s hard to find my way. Can I rise above when giving up is all I know? And the water’s rising. Going deaf from the sound of rain. And the water’s rising. I won’t drown in the flood you made.
Although I very much miss you every minute of every day, know that I’m still happily tending to all the flowers in our garden and thinking of you when I look to the sky, especiallywhen it’s grey. More so than anything, my mind still rests and is very much assured that I will, indeed, see you in a little while:
I held your hand and watched as the Sun slowly faded. Far in the distance, the Father was calling your name … it was time for you to go Home. Everything in me wanted you to hold on, but I had to let you go with that one last goodbye kiss and the promise that I’ll see you in a little while. It won’t be too long now. I’ll see it on the other side that the wait was only the blink of an eye.Then, maybe you’ll teach me all the songs you sing in Heaven? Maybe you’ll show me how you can fly? Maybe I’ll hear you laugh again, and won’t remember when we were not together and this time it’s forever.
Just look at them! They’re both magnificent beasts of completely different burdens designed by one Creator, so vastly different, yet, very much the same. They live. They breathe. They bleed. They die. Just like humans, though, neither of them has ever actually seen themselves but through the lens of a camera, a mirror, or another’s perception (which is a different story for a different day). Meanwhile, like many of the animals in the kingdom, these glorious felines are sentient:
Sentience is the ability to feel a range of emotions and feelings, such as pleasure, pain, joy, and fear. Some animals even experience complex emotions, such as grief and empathy. Animals are sentient beings, and this means that their feelings matter. ~ They want to do things they enjoy; they want to exert control over their own lives, have choices, play, feel satiated and comfortable, solve problems, get excited, and seek the comfort of companions.
Like us, they possess the innate ability to not only experience both positive and negative emotions, but seek out the good ones and avoid the bad. Long story short? Despite their vastly different exteriors, the two sweet ‘lil kitties in this picture can, indeed, CHOOSE joy!
So, here’s to the utmost gift and treasure of my sentient ability to choose to seek out the positive and continuerunning towards The Lightdespite what the rest of the animals in this hell bent kingdom of ours are doing or how many of them try to rip my warm-blooded heart out. Win, lose, or draw … I WOKE UP TODAY … and no matter my beastly burdens, I’LL CHOOSE JOY every time, because …
Joy does not simply happen to us. We have to choose joy and keep choosing joy every day.
Lately, I’ve been reading, watching the nightly news. Don’t seem to find the rhythm, just wanna sing the blues. Feels like a song that never stops. Feels like it’s never gonna. Gotta get that fire back in my bones before my heart turns into stone. So, will somebody please pass the megaphone? I’ll shout it on the count of three: One, two, three! Oh, hear my prayer tonight! I’m singing to the sky! Give me strength to raise my voice … let me testify! Oh, hear my prayer tonight, ’cause this is do or die! The time has come to make a choice … and I choose joy! Let it move you! Let it move you! Let it move you! Yeah, I choose joy! Let it move you! Let it move … let it move you! Yeah, back when I was young, my eyes were full of life, but now that I am older, I live at the speed of light. Feels like the cycle never stops. Feels like it’s never gonna. (for King & Country)
Look, I dunno who needs to hear this right now, but if you’re that grown ass Ken or Karen of an “adult” who gets easily offended by everything, then, umm, please do enjoy this most EPIC of not really a holiday “holidays” of all:
Yes, my loves, everything IS about you and the world at large has, indeed, set out to drive you nucking FUTS! It’s a conspiracy, I’m tellin’ ya, and I’m laughing my actual ass off right now thinking about all the people I’ve offended in the years since losing my filter!
It’s imperative for you to know that there so many other raw and obtuse assholes runnin’ around out there JUST like me who actually sleep better at night knowing we’ve made some of you twist and turn in our offensiveness that it’s literally not even funny:
For the record, I 2,000% know that many of my “opinions, truths, thoughts and beliefs” are neither ideal or realistic, and that some of them may just, be, WRONG! But they’re mine, ALL MINE, I earned them, I own them, I REAPED THEM, I SEWED THEM, and I stand by every seemingly acrimonious thing I say. Sorry, NOT sorry … but I do NOT apologize!
“You are hurt the moment you believe yourself to be.”
That wise man was Epictetus, one of my Stoic fathers and mentors, and YES, he said it JUST to me. Lol. Epictetus was a fucking genius! NO ONE can “hurt or offend you” unless you give them permission:
Close your eyes for a minute and think about something you don’t like. It can be anything from a person, place, or thing, to a fresh hot steamin’ bowl of lima beans (the mere sight of which make me PUKE). Now that you have that “thing” in the forefront of your mind, I want you to LOVE IT! Well? Did you do it? Do you “love it” now? Hmm. Why not? Let’s try this again. I am heretofore demanding that you LOVE that thing you HATE … NOW!
So, then? JUST GROW A PAIR AND GET OVER YOURSELF, ya ‘lil snowflake!
Bye everyone, it’s me, CAT!
Oh, and one last thing. Happy Birthday, Steve Hughes! Cheers to you offending as many people as humanly possibly all the live long days of your life! Your reputation EXCEEDS you!
… she’s kinda right, I kinda do have giant testicles! Guess what, people? Not only do I own them, I wouldn’t fuckin’ trade ’em in for the anything in the world!
So? Exactly many of YOU took YOURSELF out to dinner this weekend? How many of you ever would? How many of you ever COULD? Me? I do it ALL the time!
“Real Cat – Party Of ONE!”
I see movies alone. I eat alone. I travel alone and will continue to do so. But guess what, people? I am never, EVER “lonely”! I’m my own best friend and “ride or die” … win, lose, or draw … and the one person I like to truly love hanging out with the most. Don’t get me wrong … of course I absolutely love being with my kids who have now become my friends and are the three human beings I see and spend time with the most. But one has a life of his own and the other is just a few months away from flying the coop. Though she’s still here in town until graduation next spring, between splitting time between me and her dad’s and her school, internship, social life, and the new boyfriend, sometimes it’s as though she’s already gone.
Also? It’s not like I don’t have any friends to go and hang out with, but, not only do I have a somewhat “challenging” personality type and, err, “peopling” skills as an INFJ freak of the fucking WORLD, you’d be surprised what really happens in “The WidowHOOD” after a bitches cards all fold. Long gone are the days way back when on the prairie when society looked after the widows and orphans. No, I’m not bitter about that, by the way. (Well, okay, maybe just a little.) After all, these days it really is each man for himself … most definitely each BITCH for herself … and everyone’s just trying to make a way for themselves, right? It is what it is, so, TAG, I’m it. But I’ve digressed. The point is, that, YUP, I’m almost ALWAYS on my own.
They say that the most dangerous people in the world are the ones who aren’t afraid to eat alone. Well, “they” are fuckin’ geniuses! I’m a risen from ASHES living queen, my friends, and yes, sometimes a queen HAS to sit at the table alone when her king has left the castle either temporarily or, in my case, abdicated it permanently. But you see, it’s how we sit “alone at our table” that defines us. As for me? I shall not be laying waste to a single one of my hard-earned Golden Years.
So, unless and until the mystery of whether there shall be just ONE LAST KING for me to do all that “Saturday stuff” mentioned below is solved, I’mma just sit here at the end of my OWN banquet table and rock it, “Party Of ONE” style like the unbreakable BOSS BITCH I am! So, with that, my charge to all of you is THIS:
DATE YOURSELF, “SOLO” PEOPLE!
Don’t just “date” yourself by sitting on a shelf all alone and EXPIRING! Hang out with yourself. Get to know yourself. LIKE yourself and enjoy the pleasure of your own company! Learn Get to know, love, own, respect, and PROTECT your “value” in this world and what you bring to humanity in your own right, NOT just as someone else’s counterpart.
Once you’ve mastered the art of “you, yourself, and YOU” and made peace with the face in the mirror, trust me when I say that you will be the most untouchable beast of them all and not even hell will be able to fuck with your crown!
Now, GO OUT AND DO IT, and DO IT TODAY! Then, report back to me with PROOF that you “Party Of ONE-d” yourself like a SAVAGE!
Each day, acquire something that will fortify you against poverty, against death, indeed against other misfortunes, as well.
~ Seneca ~
… and if you can find nothing else with which to fortify yourself, let it simply be the empathy, mindfulness, and gratitude that comes when we take a moment to “SEE” the others who aren’t walking in our shoes.
Do we understand this, friends?
While the traumas, misfortunes, or burdens of others should never be “compared“, they SHOULD be acknowledged and considered.
It’s called the only way any of us are gonna make it out alive, and by “alive” I mean with our soul in one sound piece such that it will live on through eternity and not have to circle back around to this circus we called humanity to keep on learning all its lessons.
She had come to believe it was the dark days of the past that had made her impossibly strong. It was years until she realized she was wrong. She was forged from steel at the onset of His design. “Strong” is what she was. “Light” is who she’d be. The darkness merely forced her to prove it.
She was a phoenix. She was a Viking. She was a weirdo of epic proportion! She was a Jean-Claude Van DAMN fucking pain in everyone’s ass with all her ranting, raving, animal feeding, Lucky Charm chats, ridiculously fashionable, err, “outfits”, and high-pitched SCREECHING, “Hi everyone! It’s me, CAT”!
Don’t EVER be afraid of the fire, my friends, and don’t be afraid to be “lost in it”. Remember that you are NEVER alone when you’re being burnished into gold!
You have your ANCESTORS who were ALSO forged from fire and are walking behind and beside you like a street gang in the hood everywhere you go 25 hours a day, 8 days a fucking week!
Wait! Who in their right mind says FUCKING and JESUS in one post? (Sorry, God. You KNOW I’m working on it!)
No, not everyone does have to be “the Chosen One”. Not everyone has to be the guy who saves the world. What we do have to be, however, is “THE ONE” who’s just living the very best life we can, doing the things that are greatest for us, having great friends (even if they’re mostly cats, dogs, birds, virtual strangers, and the less than handful of people who’ve ever really known, accepted, and LOVED us over the course of our time), trying to make our lives better and loving people properly, all the while knowing that although the world often makes NO sense whatsoever, we gotta CHOOSE to be happy in all this anyway and keep on stealing The Sun!
… and so, with that, I sing to all of you THIS:
🎶
“I woke up this morning … got myself a gun … then told myself I was THE CHOSEN ONE … ’cause umm … Hi everyone! It’s me, CAT!”
🎶
Imma just keep being like my little Bad Cat and never change (unless, of course, I want to)!
Keep this thought handy when you feel a fit of rage coming on – it isn’t manly to be enraged. Rather, gentleness and civility are more human, and therefore manlier. A real man doesn’t give way to anger and discontent, and such a person has strength, courage, and endurance – unlike the angry and complaining. The nearer a man comes to a calm mind, the closer he is to strength.
~ Marcus Aurelius ~
Hi everyone! It’s me, CAT! What I love about this gem I just stumbled upon today between the late and beloved Steve Irwin’s son and his, err, “hostile” friend, Emily the curlew, is the epic level of Stoicism he displays in dealing with this cute and feathered ‘lil grumpmeister:
✔️ Justice
✔️ Wisdom
✔️ Courage
✔️ Moderation
This hilarious video snipet may be less than three minutes long, but, yes, the four virtues are ALL present here. Can you see them? And look what ended up happening at the end? He rode out her storm like the BOSS he was raised to be, and it was his VIRTUE for the win!
So, with that, I don’t know about any of you, but imma keep striving to be more like ROBERT and less like ME during those moments when in my not so stoic weakness I get into a scuffle with an EMILY only to be reduced to my UNCIVIL animal instinct to drop kick a bitch into the next room.
It’s what’s for breakfast … and also what I had for lunch … and I LOVE IT! Thank you, young Mr. Irwin for letting me borrow this most powerful learning moment to share with my people. I don’t know if you’re a practicing stoic, but nevertheless, your daddy must surely be proud of the wise MAN you have become!
Anger has the ability to destroy the foundation of who we are, hijacking our emotions and our capacity for reason and, as the Stoic philosopher Epictetus teaches us, drags us down to the level of a wild beast, petty and malignant.
To the Stoics, anger is an emotion that erodes the fabric of who we are, causing us to behave in ways that do not align with our values, morals and beliefs, and in doing so pushes us away from the person we want to be and the life we want to lead. Often this push is towards unethical, destructive and unvirtuous behaviour.
These thinkers from ancient Greece believed the path to happiness and a good life is found through a life of virtue, reason, and behaviour that is deliberate and in alignment with our morality. Negative emotion, of which anger is one, not only prevents this but acts in contrast to it.
When faced with hardship, adversity or the behaviour of others, the Stoics argued that these events should not be permitted to control our emotions and our thoughts. Instead we should practice self-control, detachment and focus on what we can do to improve the situation, whether that be remove ourselves from the source of pain, or work towards rising above it or passing though it with our peace of mind still in tact.
In general the ancient Stoics saw anger as an irrational and destructive emotion, one that has the ability to destroy a life in seconds, and one that pulls us away from living the lives we want through its ability to ambush and control our emotions and actions. As an antidote they prescribe the practices of self control, rational thinking, perspective and the reminder that we only really have control over our thoughts and our actions, and these two things should never be handed over.
Although the album it was born from wasn’t released until this day a few months after Zack’s suicide, and thus I couldn’t actually use it at his funeral, “Godspeed” is, perhaps, one of the most epic songs of not just MY life, but all of yours as well, except that you might not know it yet. For those of you who don’t know who Alter Bridge is or the meaning behind the song:
“Godspeed” is the fourth track featured on their latest studio album, Walk the Sky, which was released on Napalm Records. The lyrics are profound and compelling and they hit the listener like a shot in the heart. Anybody who has ever lost anybody special in their lives can relate to its raw and authentic lyrics. It is upbeat and mid-tempo and it allows the band to carry their message across. The tune feels like a celebration of an influential person’s life. Lead guitarist Mark Tremonti wrote “Godspeed” in loving memory of his late dear friend, Seth Luker, and the song was so personal to him that it has struck a chord with their fans and listeners from all over the world. In a post on his social media pages, Tremonti praised Luker for being “the best” and “pure class.” Front-man Myles Kennedy allows his rich, harking voice to capture the essence of the lyrics of “Godspeed.” It is a controlled, soothing and captivating vocal performance, all in one. “Farewell, godspeed, and goodbye, you have lived and you have changed all our lives, cast away our regrets and all our fears, just like, like you did when you were here” Kennedy sings in the chorus. Overall, “Godspeed” is a fitting tribute by Mark Tremonti to his late friend, and Myles Kennedy and the rest of the band simply knock it out of the ballpark; moreover, it is a powerful song about living with loss and healing. Listeners should have a Kleenex box nearby as it deserves to be enjoyed for its beauty and melancholy. Each time this journalist listens to this song, it feels like it was written for him in memory of his best friend as well, and that goes to show the power of Alter Bridge’s songwriting and storytelling, and the message embedded in their music. “Godspeed” garners an A+ rating, and it ought to be released as a single at some point in the near future since it is bound to have a positive impact on people’s lives.
If you’ve never heard it, please listen to it now. It’s a powerful song that human beings from all walks of life need to have in their repertoire as a tribute to the profound impact a loved one’s life has had on their own and can really help with the peaceful closure we need when they’ve departed.
Of course, I love anything Alter Bridge – BUT – every time I hear this one … and I play it almost daily … all I can do is look to the sky, smile, and thank GOD that we got to walk the EARTH with that king of ours at our six for the beautiful season we got to have him. Do I miss him? Yes. Do I still cry sometimes? Umm? YUP! Believe it or not, though, every single tear I’ve shed has been as big a gift as all of the pain.
Yes, my friends, she really could have gone to any college that she wanted, and yes, she really did pass on the opportunity for West Point Academy. Yes, she really did put EVERY one of her eggs is this red, black, and GUNS UP basket. She’s flying from the inside and stealing the Sun just like her mother and brother and is only focused on exactly what she’s after … nothing more and nothing less!
I’m a Texas Tech University Red Raider momma tonight, folks, and an exceptionally proud one at that! My Mona Lisa just keeps on makin’ me smile and I couldn’t be any more excited about her future if I tried to be!
Hey? Dragon BITCH? Seeing you from this perspective today, as opposed to the way I’d already personified you on the pages of the book, reminded me, yet again, that I was the KILLER of YOU! I win! YOU LOSE! Now, crawl on back to your cave and stay the fuck DEAD!
Hey? Creature THING? Seeing you from THIS perspective today, as opposed to the way I’d already personified you on the pages of the book … and then again in “the five second clip” … reminded me once more that I was the KILLER of YOU! I win! YOU LOSE! Now, stay under the cloche in whatever space I decide to display you so that I can LAUGH at your sorry ass for all the live long days of MY life that i GET to live, despite the fact that you tried to keep ME dead!
So, it’s “World Hunger Day 2023“, and here I am with a pit in my stomach still thinking about that moment last December when it finally punched me in the face that I owed my body an apology and not just a love letter.
On that day, I really was just sitting there in my bougie, cozy, fluffy pajamas and binging on Hallmark movies. Then, during a commercial break, I began scrolling around on Quora and stumbled upon a question, answer, and pictures that have both haunted and inspired me almost daily since:
This makes me so fucking sad. Meanwhile, I’m over here in my actual small castle binging on Lucky Charms, popcorn, and Skittles and watching cheesy Hallmark Christmas movies in my bougie, cozy, and WARM fluffy snowman pajamas like there’s no tomorrow.
I needed this reminder today, regardless of how I hate it. Despite any and all of the very worst “circumstances” in my lifetime – and trust me, there’ve been PLENTY – I literally have NOTHING to complain about. Not ONE single fucking thing!
For me, when I am reminded of the sobering reality that SO many people in this world literally fucking starve to death, it makes me even more ashamed of the fact that I had an eating disorder for more than half of my life. Well, maybe not necessarily “ashamed” of the actual eating disorder – it happened for a very sobering reason. Thankfully, I’m still alive to talk about it. Still, when I think of all the FOOD that was available to me, yet, I refused to eat when I was in my anorexia phases, and worse yet, all the precious FOOD I fucking WASTED binging and purging it down the toilet, it makes me so fucking mad at myself for being such a SICK and SELFISH asshole for taking the healthy body I was given and MUTILATING IT for all those years with all the blessings of FOOD I took so badly for granted.Thank you for sharing this post. I needed to be reminded of how lucky I am to have this life I was given and NOT to take anything in it for granted.Oh well, we live and we learn, right?
… and, with that, how dare I have disrespected, abused, and punished this healthy body that the good Lord gave me and treated it as a punching bag on which to take out all my anger, sadness, and inner turmoil? It was my soul that that had been empty for more than 19 years in a row, not my stomach. It was my soul that needed to be fed the truth, silence, forgiveness, and acceptance it had been starving for all the while. Thank you, GOD, and thank you to MY BODY, that I was given the chance to atone and account for all the damage I had done to the beautiful, HEALTHY shell that I’d been desecrating.
That God-forsaken creature is long gone and DEAD, because my soul has finally found the respite and nourishment it needed to make a safe place for me to live.
FEED YOUR SOUL
She goes around switching on lamps, ’cause the light, she tells me, is coming in slanted. I can’t get enough of the beauty alive behind the shadows. Why have I gone hungry? I’ve gone hungry in a land of plenty. Feed your soul. Feed your soul. If you are empty and you want to be whole, feed your soul on bread and water, truth and silence. All sons and daughters … feed your soul.
The heart cries, but the body growls, and the appetite of the flesh is louder than we thought. Let the flickering flame of our appointed days not thirst, nor die, but grow brighter. And when a longing haunts you, feed your soul. Feed your soul. If you are empty and you want to be whole, feed your soul on bread and water, truth and silence. All sons and daughters … feed your soul.
Hope born of promise that will not disappoint … that will not end in shame. You’ve got to cultivate the taste for the rich and true … for the goodness you have always craved. Feed your soul. Feed your soul. (Christa Wells)
… and just like that, the catharsis began as her tears fell like rain straight from Heaven. The best part of it all was the way all the people at her sides and the row behind embraced her when they saw that she was clearly being shattered by this song in that moment. None of them knew her story … our story … but they heard, saw, and felt it and went straight to work. It was one of the most beautiful “stranger moments” of both our lives.
Concerts aren’t just always about fun, games, and “music”, by the way. Sometimes they’re a four hour long intensive IN patient therapy session. If you know, YOU KNOW! For the record, Three Days Grace is to her what 5FDP, Maiden, Shinedown, and 3 Doors Down are to me. They wrote the entire soundtrack to her life, and she’s found so many broken pieces of herself that she might not otherwise have been able to identify had it not been for the their presence in her atmosphere. Meanwhile, then there was this ‘lil intersection nugget in the midst of our preparing for the night:
Hey, daughter? Should we run and get you some waterproof mascara?
HELL no, mom! I’m proud of how I’ve walked through all my living nightmares and storms, and I’ll wear the proof of ALL OF THEM like a warrior wears his war paint tonight! I’VE EARNED IT!
It was THE concert of her lifetime, my friends. Oh, and one last thing. When I got the tickets, they were literally the only two good seats left in the house … which, (ps), just happened to be front row center. Were they expensive? YUP! No expense was spared for this moment of a lifetime of hers. Regardless, I had told her over and again that she could take anyone she wanted and that just because I bought them, it didn’t mean that I had to be the obvious choice. I just wanted her to be happy in her element. So, I was honored to have been the one she chose to have standing right beside her for it.
The number of bittersweet birthdays we’ve had to celebrate without him here.
Even still, although the death certificate says “FOUND AUGUST 23, 2019”, those of us who knew him best know that he started dying a slow and painful death on the very day that he was born. It was the moment of his birth and his “unbecoming”. Fortunately, I have it on good knowledge that both “the creature” that birthed then dumped my husbandand his “siblings” do, indeed, read my posts, in which regard I have yet another heartfelt message:
He lost himself into the night, and he flew higher than he had ever, but still felt small. You clipped his wings … he fell from flight to open water and floated farther away from himself. He swam in the wakes of imposters just to feel what it was like to pretend. There were no dreams in his waves … only monsters … and the monsters were his only friends. They’re all that he was in the end but NEVER really was or ever will be. Eyes in the dead still water. He tried, but it pushed back harder. Cauterized and atrophied … you were his unbecoming. He put knives in the backs of martyrs and left our lives in the burning fodder. Cauterized and atrophied … you were our unbecoming. I found him drifted out to sea. It was automatic, now it’s telepathic. I always knew him. They laughed as he searched for a harbor and pointed to where your halo was supposed to be, but any light in your eyes had been squandered. There was no angel in you … were his unbecoming. He waited for his metamorphosis, but all that’s left is the change that could never be. Selfish fate … YOU made him this. Now, under the water he’ll wait.
{Words To “Unbecoming” Adapted by The Real Cat Williamson}
With that, despite the tone of not just this, but the many other bitter “Real Cat” rants, know that every time I think about you crying all those crock-of-shit-o-dile tears over that Zack of SHIT “brother” of yours, I laugh and then smile knowing that the day he was born was amongst our greatest gifts and treasures … NOT YOURS … ’cause ya threw the gift of “him” the fuck away like actual living garbage and left him behind in the proverbial trash can of his life. So, here’s wishing all you rat bastard mother fuckers a very heartfelt birthday truth bomb that YOU were his “unbecoming”, starting on this day that he was born. May you twist and turn tonight as you are reminded, yet again, of all the October 5ths gone by that you FORGOT the fuck about him while he was still here for you to remember him.
If you are a mother THAT (not “who”) has abandoned and forsaken a child of her own body, know that the unfathomable wound you left them with will never truly heal. If, on the other hand, you are a child whose “mother THING” abandoned you? Please know that just like the battalion of mothers in this world who understood the magnitude of the job we were given, you are always in my heart and I pray for you daily.
In honor and recognition of this most important of “national days”, “World Day of Bullying Prevention®”, let us come together as a worldwide community that stands FIRMLY against bullying.
Both myselfandmy daughter were the victims of “childhood bullying”, by the way, and dare I say that there are people in our very own family, up to including my children, who are still very much are being “bullied” by certain powers that be. I know from whence I speak! So, with that …
Dear BULLY,
It’s 8am … this hell they’re in … seems they’ve crossed a line again for being nothing more than who they are. So, break their bones and throw your stones … we all know that life ain’t fair, but there is more of us …
WE’RE EVERYWHERE!
Think it through ! You can’t undo! Whenever I see black and blue, I feel the past, I share the bruise. With everyone who’s come and gone, my head is clear my voice is strong! Now, I’m right here to right the wrong!No one has to take this backed against a wall! No one has to take this! We can end it all!
ALL YOU’LL EVER BE IS THE FADED MEMORY OF A BULLY!
Make another joke while they hang another rope … so lonely! Push them to the dirt ’til the words don’t hurt.
CAN YOU HEAR ME?
NO ONE’S GONNA CRY ON THE VERY DAY YOU DIE … YOU’RE A BULLY!
As we begin Mental Illness Awareness Week today, I’m reminded once again of exactly why Rocky IV is one of my truly favorite movies:
Rocky IV is my favorite, because in my mind I have always felt it’s been “me against the Devil” in both the brightest and darkest moments of my life, and he’s the one always saying to me, “I MUST BREAK YOU”! Yet, I absolutely refuse to let him take me down!
I mean, seriously, people! There’s a reason why Heaven reigns from above and hell only thinks it’s reigning from below. And while I’ve never been one to say I’m better than anyone, meaning, any mortal human with warm blood running through their veins, I do believe that I’m way fucking better than many “things“. The devil and all his vices such as pain, suffering, anquish, and self-loathing and are below me and can all literally kiss my ass.
I WIN!
THEY LOSE!
C’mon, people! Put on those bloodied and torn gloves of and FIGHT like a GLORIOUS bastard! The past is the past! It’s over! It’s gone! There’s NO point in going back there, there IS no easy way out of this, and there’s NO present like the time you have right in front of your fists! Also? Unless your arms are attached to your back, the last time I checked, punches only land going FORWARD!
“The VERY Unpopular Monster”
With that … BYE, mental illness! It’s me, CAT! Looks like YOU’RE beneath me, too! So, come at me again, bruh! I dare you! Momma NEVER takes her gloves off now, soooo:
🎶
“Baby, baby, I have shed my skin, and I know how it feels inside to be walkin’ down an endless road not knowin’ if I’m dead or alive. But some things were worth fightin’ for, and that feeling will NEVER die. So, I’m not askin’ for another chance … I’M JUST TAKING IT and PUNCHING TODAY IN THE FACE!”
🎶
“Cat, what does that even MEAN?” Oh, yah! “Punching today in the face” is a “Wheelchair Dad” thing. I won’t go much into it, as I really want you to just click on the link below and find out what it means for yourself.Sufficed to say, though, Dan and Andrea Kotter and their six beautiful babies who I recently stumbled across on social media have managed to truly “punctuate” and inspire me in a profound way.
With that, did you know that on most family trees, the number of ancestors starts at two (your parents), then doubles going back many generations? This means that if a rudimentary calculation of “YOU” going back a few generations is accurate, you likely have upwards of 60 great great great grandparents. Those are your “people”!The strangers in very strange and likely hostile and lonely lands who started the story of YOU! Every single one of them is watching over, praying for, and propelling you forward through the often hostile and lonely lands you travel and catching you when you fall.
Call them your angels. Call them your ghosts. Call them whatever in or OUT of this world you want, but never forget that they were – NO – they ARE a very real part of your heart, soul, psyche, DNA, and exactly who, why, and where you were meant to be: “HERE”! You’re here for a reason, and no, you are never alone no matter how alone you are. You have a tribe. You have some people. Just because you can’t see them, it doesn’t mean they don’t exist.
I saw her sitting there, a younger, smaller version of me, at 9 years old, sitting on my childhood bed. I slowly walked to her and knelt. I took her hands in mine. She looked up at me and with a small voice asked, “Does it get any better?” I squeezed her hands, “Not for a long time. It doesn’t get better for a long time.” She closed her eyes and tears streamed down her face. I let go of her hands and placed mine around her small face, “Does anyone end up saving us?” she softly asked. I smiled. “Yes.” I said. She then looked at me, hopeful, “Who saves us?” she asked. I smiled even bigger. “We do. We save ourselves.”
Found my way back on this broken road. Found myself inside my broken soul.
I got no halo … no wings … got no angels watching … but I still believe. Lost my spirit … my soul … but I was never alone. There’s still a little Heaven in me.
(“Heaven In Me” Words Adapted)
With that, happy National Daughter’s Day to not just every lady reading this, but of course to the Mona Lisa who never truly never stops making me smile and truly is every brightest jewel in my tiara. Pray God that I’ve prepared that sweet little baby girl inside of her (who I ashamedly helped break) to make much better choices than I did when she was younger when it’s time for her to start a family of her own.
Lol. If someone had told the teenage me that one day I’d somehow manage to be the mother of a queen like THIS, I’d have laughed right in their face. And no, I don’t just mean the queen you see here … I mean the queen who’s writing this Diary entry that grew up to be one of my very few heroes.
Someday my gift will be your gift. By that I mean my gift unto this world. The divinely punctuated Light I’ve sought so desperately to find in this otherwise very dark place will live out loud through her. She’s the culmination of every one of my failings, disgraces, accomplishments, and achievements, and the truth behind all the lies I’ve searched so hard to find. She’s my diamond encrusted tiara legacy and yet another phoenix rising.
Let me tell you somethin’ about this enigma I brought forth who I now refer to as “Rambo Barbie”. She’s endured and survived one of the worst atrocities that could become a young girl, and though I’ve built this Diary and ensuing platforms on the premise of “Secrets Making Me Sick No Longer“, one of the most twisted and sickening secrets I’m made to keep now isn’t mine to tell. So, I won’t. Sufficed to say that like me, she’s forgiven the devil himself for crimes against her person that but a handful of people ever could. That forgiveness was for us, by the way, but then again, also for “them”, because setting ourselves free from the prison of bitterness, anger, and regret was the path we were called to take. We decided to tell pain and suffering to kiss our asses and the devil he can SUCK IT!
She is so not like all those “pick me” gutter rats that tried to steal her crown but failed laughably, and has risen above every cruel and unfair deed that could otherwise have defined her with power and grace that put mine to shame. My daughter refuses to allow anyone, up to and including herself, to be disrespected. If there’s an outcast in her halo, she finds and draws them near, because as she’s always said:
No one gets left behind on my watch!
West Point came calling for her, by the way. She’d have made a magnificent soldier and followed the footsteps of one of the greatest men I’ve ever ever known, much less shared blood with, and while she respectfully declined their offer to toss her hat into their candidacy ring since she has her sights fixed on another prize, their courting her was one of the utmost moments of my song.
She’s still got miles to go down her road to full recovery, but at least she’s actively taking part in it and running head on into her storms rather than away from them like I once did. She’s not just fortifying herself mentally, though. She’s fortifying herself in every way. How many adults can say the same? She’s the most beautiful infection alive, really is “The One“, and I couldn’t be prouder of her if I tried. By the way?
I MADE HER!
Long story short? If a teenage girl who’s been broken and stripped of both her innocence and dignity in unspeakable ways can find the courage to take her life, well being, and future by the balls, so, too, should we all!
No excuses!
NONE!
So, here’s to my “Rambo Barbie Girl”, who by the way is a dead on BALLS accurate shot and WILL be licensed and packin’ when she peels out of here next Fall. Lol! Even the grown men at the gun range she trains at can’t understand how she stands so strong against the kickback from that .308 and watch her in awe.
She’s a SAVAGE!
I’ve blogged this one before, but I drop it again. “Battle Born” she is … just like her queen of a mother … and my little girl ain’t playin’!
“In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth. Now the earth was formless and empty, darkness was over the surface of the deep, and the Spirit of God was hovering over the waters. And God said, ‘Let there be light,’ and there was light.”
(Genesis 1 NIV)
🖤
Wish that you could build a time machine so you could see the things no one can see? Feels like you’re standing on the edge looking at the stars and wishing you were them? What do you do when a chapter ends? Do you close the book and never read it again? Where do you go when your story’s done?
MEANWHILE …
You CAN be who you were or who you’ll become! The Sun goes down and it comes back up. The world it turns no matter what. Oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh oh, if it all goes wrong … darling, just hold on! It’s not over ’til it’s all been said. It’s not over ’til your dying breath. So, what do you want them to say when you’re gone? That you gave up, or that you kept going on?
If you are standing on the edge right now just looking at the stars and wishing you were them, remember that you kind of are. You are “nothing, everything, and ALL OF IT“, so, keep the faith, hang on to the hope, release yourself from prison, and JUST HOLD ON! HOPE really IS a good thing!
Oh, and one last thing to all you “Reds” out there who are struggling to find your way out of prison, or moreso than that, have found your way out of prison but are just too scared to really let the light of hope shine through because you’ve become so accustomed to life in the dark that you literally don’t know how to live life without it:
Dear Red,
If you’re reading this, you’ve gotten out. If you’ve come this far, maybe you’re willing to come a little further. I could use some good people to help us get my project on wheels. I’ll keep an eye out for you and the chessboard ready. Remember, Red, hope is a good thing. Maybe the best of things, and no good thing ever dies. I will be hoping that this Diary entry finds you … and finds you well.
~ Your friend, Real Cat
Happy Birthday, “Shawshank Redemption“. You were my husband’s favorite movie, are also one of mine, and, perhaps, one of THE greatest movies of all times, because knowing what I know at this point in the game, hope really DOES begin in the dark. I am living proof of that beautiful Genesis promise.
… last night at the 3 Doors Down concert. She’s my little music buddy and I don’t hate it. Life is all about memories, experiences, and the time we spend with our people, and I’m making good and sure that I spend mine wisely so that one day when I’m gone my kids will have WAY more “good stories and HAPPY memories” about their time walking the Earth with me than sad ones.
🎶
Some memories have left me broken, but the scars have very much healed. The emptiness in me is gone now, with so much more to feel. I’m not scared to look back on the days before … I’m tired, but I’ve moved. I’m not afraid to “feel” … I’m afraid to NEVER fly. No more hiding behind my walls of “maybe nevers” and forgetting that there’s something more than just “knowing better”. My mistakes do not define me now … they tell me who I’m NOT. I’ve got to live this life I was given like it’s the only you’ve got.
🎶
My friends? “Oh, what will it take to get YOU to say that you’ll try?” And what would you say if this was the last day of your life?
… and so, with that, I’ve said it before, and I’ll scream it again from the very top of this mountain in The Queendom I reign in:
There’ll be NO one like him. Into the mystery I slide. I’m hoping he’ll keep it all uncovered! Kinda cryptic, right? Only God knows what the future holds for me. It’s either “been there, done that” reigning here alone, but not lonely, for the rest of my days on this Earth … OR … There is one last king preparing himself and his table for ME somewhere out there in this realm. Admittedly, I won’t be an easy catch. If and when he either does or doesn’t show up, he’ll be a TRUE “alpha man” to the core, who will easily win the privilege and honor of taking and RULINGwhat’s my heart and seeing me completely naked …
No, I’m not actively looking for “one last king” or any king whatsoever, but know this:
If, indeed, he’s out there somewhere preparing his table for me, he’ll find me when he’s supposed to, and yes, he’ll be nothing but a king with a stable chock FULL of horses. Don’t get me wrong, though. I’m not that girl who’s gonna be running around half naked out there anywhere other than the privacy of my own home, bedroom, or any other space I share with a potential future king.
I … am NOT … that girl! !
I am very modest, to say the least, and you’d be hard pressed to so much as find me in so much as a bathing suit in public, much less with my ass and tits, or pretty much any part of my body hanging out for all the world to see. Which is not to say that I’m judging or shaming any woman who’s is proud to put all her goodies on display. To each, HER OWN, my friends, so, if you’ve got it, want to flaunt it, and are confident enough in yourself to demand that kind of spotlight, by all means … YOU DO YOU!
For me, it’s just a personal decision based simply upon the fact that I’m Someone’s daughterand someone’s mother, and soon, God willing, I’ll be some really lucky kiddo’s “Crazy Grandma Cat“! God Himself knows that for far too many years I gave some of the most precious parts of myself away and shared myself with people who didn’t deserve to have me. So, as for now, these days I’m keeping “all of this” under wraps unless and until I decide someone is worthy and deserving to SEE me and selfishly keep it ALL for himself!
The bottom line is that if I do ever get one last chance to dance on the chess board of love, I’mma be dancing for keeps in OUR kingdom full of horses and happily ever after! “Bye everyone, it’s me … QUEEN Cat!”
The most epic part of this? Since I got back from Lions Den Live, I’ve been thinking about my biggest takeaway “nugget”. I just put it all together starting this morning with ANOTHER convo I’ve been having with my friend, Santa Clause, about the quiet but powerful strength of a Steel Magnolia … which is something I strive to be … and how sometimes it’s the people who just stand strong in the storms of life – always bending but never breaking – who are the most powerful forces of all. That was my Grandpa. That was my Grandma (MARY … not Ida, lol). THAT WAS ZACK!
Why, Cat?
Why are you doing this? What’s your reason? Who’s your audience? Will you ever actually take the stage? Guess what, people? Although the day will surely come when I’ll finally reach for a microphone and hit an actual stage with the unfiltered roar of all the truth bombs and hard-earned wisdoms I’ve gotten to earn on a road that’s been laden with broken glass, bloodied hands, and tired feet, for now?
One of the speakers I was privileged to sit before this weekend, Tu “Ronin” Lam said:
One moment can change the day. One day can change a life. One life can change the world.
Well, if this exchange between me and my son isn’t proof positive that I’m exactly where I need to be doing exactly what I was meant to do, then … well … never mind that. IT IS! You see, these weren’t just simple texts between a mother and her son. They were “a moment” … a moment for me to take the most important stage of all before the “kid” who is still very much watching me.
Keep in mind that for personal reasons, I took the test not just once, but THRICE! Why is that you ask? Well? Because three is a perfect number (duh!), three times is always a charm, and damnit, I just wanted the truest truth! While I wasn’t necessarily surprised by these scores, I was further validated in my conviction that I’m an epically weird MACHINE! After all that’s been said and done, every ounce pain I’ve endured from the cradle until my grave was not only, indeed, “purposeful”, but my truest gift. The pain has shaped me … molded me … refined and SHARPENED ME! I mean, I had a suspicion that I was unbreakable in theory, but as it turns out, I’m unbreakable both in practice and on paper!
With that, I cannot recommend enough that you invest the $10 bucks and twenty minutes to take this test, see where you land, and maybe catch a glimpse of yourself through another set of lenses. Not only might it lead to a greater understanding of yourself, what drives you, and where both your strengths and weaknesses lay, it could also help identify the types of people and even careers that might be better suited for you. Just sayin’!
Dear Me,
So, you were hijacked when you weren’t looking? Behind your back, people were talking and using words that cut you down to size. You wanted to fight back … and so many times, you did … it was building inside you, holding you up, taking you hostage, and yeah … IT WAS ALL WORTH FIGHTING FOR! Some of them tried to take your pride. Some of them tried to take your soul. Some of them tried to take all the control by looking you in the eyes and filling you with full of lies. Believe me … they’ll still always gonna try. So, when you’re feeling crazy and things fall apart, listen to your head and remember who you are … You’re the one! You’re the unbreakable heart! After all was said and done, your spirit isn’t broken … and now you know for sure that it was all worth fighting for! Look them straight in the eyes when they still try to feed you their lies, ’cause believe me, they’re always gonna try! They’ll never take your pride! They’ll never take your soul! YOU’RE THE ONE WITH THE UNBREAKABLE HEART!
Lay me down and wash this blood off my hands for me. While I cry out, don’t let me die before I go to sleep. And I can’t keep going, but I cannot start again. These walls I make, they hold me in and hold me back today. Oh, but tomorrow’s new, then I’ll walk right out and walk right over you! And if you hear me screaming, please don’t let me fall again. This road I walk is paved with the broken promises I’ve made. At least a million I’ve fallen, but NEVER will I break! My time is on its’ way … I’ll fall, but I won’t break!
Been there! Done that! Yes, I’m an unbreakable and bendable steel magnolia, but, yes, I still get tired! Who else can relate? Keep the faith, my friends, and remember to treat yourself with patience, love, and grace. Take all the time you need to rest, recuperate, and allow yourself to PLAY when the shit is hitting the wall and you’re dodging those proverbial bullets. You’re a human, not a machine! Also? Don’t forget to breathe! Oh, yes, and above all things …
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: This child literally is every D Flawless jewel in my tiara and she just can’t stop making me smile! Am I in tears again? YUP! Is Zack Williamson also beaming with pride and joy right now from his ginormous seat in the sky? YOU BETCHA … especially in that he hand a hand in all of this!
Meanwhile, while I wouldn’t really want to be anyone else but me at this point, I certainly hope I can be more like her when I grow up. Lol. As if THAT’S ever gonna happen, right? Okay, carry on now, people! Carry on!
“People always say that nothing lasts forever. Never thought the day would come when I would turn on me. But I became my savior … held it all together. I’ve become my life line so I won’t be the death of me!”
🎶
Dear Me,
Do you remember when YOU were at war with THE terrorizer of all terrorizers? You know the one: YOU? Well? That bitch is dead now, and thanks be to GOD for that! It feels pretty good, right? As well it should be! I love you, You.
~ Me
Meanwhile, to anyone out there reading this who had to experience the fallout from or somehow became collateral damage during those dark years when I was at war with myself, my apology pales in comparison to guilt and shame I had to own, account for, then finally let go of during my reckoning. This especially means my babies. No one should ever have to live in a war zone they didn’t create.
Our ancestors gave us more than just wounds. They gave us wisdom, maps, strengths, mistakes and ashes for us to rise from. I’m not just talking about our ancestors who barely walked upright and communicated with hieroglyphs in their caves. I’m talking about our own parents, lo may some of them have really botched things up.
Not everyone who survives a battle comes out with tougher skin and an iron heart wielding a fiery sword like me. Some people emerge with tender skin, softer hearts, and just enough will to keep living. That’s okay, too! This world needs the balance of both, and if the only audience you’re ever meant to have is your babies, well, then THAT’S a pretty epic crowd.
At the end of the day, just remember that, YES, your kids are watching you. They’re watching everything! One of YOURS might be “The One”! GO ALL IN WITH THEM and change their story. Today. Start TODAY! It’s NEVER too late to pop that bubble you’ve been hiding in and lead your kids to The Promised Land. Don’t just TELL them how to get there … SHOW THEM!
Lots to unpack there. First let me tell U about a conversation I had with some friends not long ago. We were talking about how much time and effort we’ve spent in the past with people who in the end didn’t give us any ROI on that investment. And people who are in our orbit now who we should have devoted some time to develop a relationship with a long time ago and how it would be cool to have a time machine to go back so U could go back and hang with those peeps more. Strangely because U and I haven’t chit chatted in a while, U immediately came to mind. Cathy Audino is somebody I should have gotten to know better. Not because we shared common interests or goals or because we had mirrored thoughts. Here’s how I will explain it. I’m the least Hippy person U will ever meet, I don’t eat tree bark, I don’t read books about self improvement, I don’t meditate and I don’t wear sandals. But I believe in “energy”. There are things that give me energy like my favorite music or TV shows or my sports teams or going for bike rides or working with my Special Olympics team or something as dumb as the satisfaction I get when I finish mowing the lawn etc. And there are things that drain energy, like anything Tears for Fears or equivalent, TV shows like Desperate Housewives, etc. But now that I’m older it’s about people. Family is one thing for sure but then it’s my friends and the people I spend time with. Some relationships give me energy and I’ve made a conscious decision to increase those interractions as much as possible because if U don’t life will always put up an obstacle. I’ve got practice or I’ve got a project or I’ve got a whatever. So in our group I play the ass and I annoy people by demanding they give me a confirmation on such and such a date we can all meet. And 6-10 of us have gone from meeting once or twice a year to almost once a month. And now all of a sudden I don’t have to twist arms because everybody enjoys hanging out. I just saved U 20 minutes of reading with a quick edit of a long story. Ur welcome Let me wrap this up. If I had a time machine I’d go back and spend some more time getting to know Cathy Audino because I admire her courage to live unfiltered. And anybody who can do that is worth knowing better. I don’t care if I don’t agree with their perspective, see also the Patriots, I do respect the guts it takes to get in front of a camera and let fly whatever ur thinking. When I read ur stuff or watch ur vids I get energy.
Now to ur vid. I’ve never really considered that what I write down stream of conscious like could have any effect on the reader. I mean I’d like to think my stuff about the vaccine or my stuff about climate change might give somebody some info besides the bullshit they are getting shoved down their throat but that’s about it. All in all, it’s rewarding if one thing I wrote touched somebody. Pretty cool in my book. I wish I was as smart or popular as U thought I was. I was just a kid and like a duck, might have looked all upright but underneath I was paddling like a mfer. I kinda figured we all were. There were so many swans and I was just a duck. And now that I’m older, I not only like being a duck, I like hanging out with other ducks. Swans demand energy and I just don’t have any energy or fucks to give them. The hat colors did not go unnoticed. Thank U for the kind words Cat.
“Who do I have to become?” I’VE BECOME IT! “What kind of energy am I putting out there?” I’M ON FIRE! Is my authenticity shining through?” I’M VIBING AND SHINING! After all has been said and done, I’m the most epic and unique DUCK a duck could ever be and I wouldn’t wanna have anyone other feathers. Also? I will NEVER let anyone clip mine!
So, with that, Happy Fifty-FAUXTH BIRTHDAY, both to me, myself, and, as I awaken this morning to Salt Lake City “Oh, Solo ‘I’ Oh!” style! And to Craigers, one of the dearest and most supportive friends I never saw coming: Thank you. No, really … THANK YOU! Seeing myself through someone else’s lens and impeccable words was one of the most precious gifts of my journey.
That’s right, my friend, you Jean-Claude Van DAMN sure DO still color just fine! In the meantime, here’s a little apology to you for anything and everything I’ve ever done to hurt you in the past or will do in the future via an epic song that I suppose was intended for a significant other …
… but …
… since YOU, my dear, are my greatest love story of all and someone I’ve learned to love, cherish, adore, and value immensely:
I’m not a perfect person … there’s many things I wish I didn’t do. But I continue learning … I never meant to do those things to you. And so, I have to say before I go that I just want you to know … I’ve found a reason for me to change who I used to be … a reason to start over new … and the reason is YOU. I’m sorry that I hurt you … it’s something I must live with every day … and all the pain I put you through … I wish that I could take it all away and be the one who catches all your tears. That’s why I need you to hear … I’ve found a reason for me change who I used to be … a reason to start over new … and the reason is you.
… the Mona Lisa’s maternal instinct just kicked in to full auto drive! Am I mad about it? NOPE! Meanwhile, while I know for certain that she’s got plans for herselfbefore signing up for life in the hood, seeing her reduced to literal piles of tears at the sound of this little angel’s cooing all but reduced me to the same pile. It’s a mother daughter thing, I suppose, but time will surely prove that she will be one HEAVEN of a powerful momma.
The inability to receive support from others is a trauma response. Your “I don’t need anyone; I’ll just do it all myself” conditioning is a survival tactic. You needed it to shield your heart from the abuse, neglect, betrayal, and disappointment from those who could not or would not be there for you. From the parent who was absent and abandoned you, perhaps by choice. From the parent didn’t intend to abandon you but was never home because they were working three jobs to feed and house you. From the lovers who offered sexual intimacy, but never offered a safe haven to honor your heart. From friendships and family who ALWAYS took more than they ever gave. From all the situations when someone told you, “We’re in this together” or “I got you”, then, they ended up leaving you behind to pick up all the pieces when shit got real … leaving you to handle not just your part, but sometimes their part, too, in the messes that were made in your life. From all of those lies and betrayals along the way, you learned that you just really couldn’t trust people – OR – that you COULD trust people, but only up to that point when “being there for you” was convenient or not such a hassle for them.
So, you’re that person who “doesn’t need anyone”. You have fortified yourself as a living shield against the trauma, abuse, neglect, and betrayals you’ve already suffered at the hands of the ones who were supposed to love and protect you. Oh, my battle born friend, I’ve been right where you are and know too well that THIS is how you survive in the stronghold you built all alone. Still, treasures are meant to be shared, my friends, not buried and lost forever.
So, with that, and in honor of the 10th birthday of one of THE most powerful, poignant, bittersweet and EPIC Death Punches of my lifetime, let’s revisit The Fortress and dig a little deeper into being truly “battle born” …
“Hiding Behind The Fortress Walls” {Recorded Saturday, April 9, 2023}
…. when it’s going on ten years since you’ve slayed your “creature” … but for one brief 24-hour setback … yet, a five second clip of what was devouring your soul while YOU were devouring everything else for almost 19 years breaks your heart all over again for the others out there who have yet to even MEET their monster, much less find a way to slay it.
Shawn Cross is the phenomenal artist who’s somehow managed to put a face with so many of the THINGS that have preyed upon not just my life, but the lives of so many others I’ve known and loved, not the least of which was my husband, who as you may know, lost his battle with a multi-dimensional creature with way too many “faces” to count. I ordered his book, “It’s All In Your Head“, as soon as I found him over a year ago, have studied and memorized every one of its poignant renderings of all the “things”, and was especially taken by his words:
Wherever I travel, I base my enjoyment of that destination on the new foods I get to try. It’s sad to know for others, that enjoyment is personal torture. They are stuck in a vicious cycle that I’ve seen so many unable to get out of, where the joy of overindulging is paid for by purging later. Rinse and repeat.
He took the words, feelings, and reality of my once frozen tundra right out of my mouth without me having to actually purge them.
Meanwhile, if you’ve know me at all, you know I’ve got a bulimia nervosa of WORDS to either write or speak about ALL of the things that have tortured my life, and more so than that, the many artists whose lives “in the dark” have somehow managed to inspire me to find the Light that does, indeed, wait at the very bottom of the abyss if you’ll just gaze into it long enough. Often, however, I’m so overcome by the affects of their works that I’m at a loss for words … until I’m not.
Well? Today was the day for me and “the Shawn Coss” of my epic journey. Better yet, how awesome is it that it was also the day I finally got to blog out a lifetime favorite song that I knew would eventually come full circle? Of course, I’m tweaking the lyrics my way:
Faces … pictures on the wall. Do you sleep at all when you sleep? Faces … burning in your mind. Faces!I’d been trapped inside my own world, trying to get out. I didn’t know what was goin’ on or where I might have been. I’ve talked to many people and lived life through their eyes, but the voices down the hall told me no reason where or why.All of my life I’d been missing the answer. It should have been easy to tell. I saw faces … pictures on the wall. I didn’t sleep at all when I’d sleep. Faces … burning in my mind. Would they be the lies that I’d see? I’d heard the words of people that had lived deep in my mind, and I wanted to feel the passion that was locked inside. The pictures now are falling … there’s no trace at all … and the voices that were calling me no longer call. All of my life, I’d been missing the answer. It should have been easy to tell. All of my life, I’d been missing hearing the answer. Now it’s so easy to tell. No more faces burning in my mind! Faces? Hear me call, hear me call, hear me call …
{Words Adapted from Night Ranger’s “Faces”}
Hey? Dragon BITCH? Seeing you from this perspective today, as opposed to the way I’d already personified you on the pages of the book, reminded me, yet again, that I was the KILLER of YOU! I win! YOU LOSE! Now, crawl on back to your cave and stay the fuck DEAD!
If you or someone you know has ever suffered at the hands of one of these THINGS, I cannot recommend investing in Shawn’s book enough. The money you’ll spend will pale in comparison to the value of putting a face with so many of the mental illnesses that are otherwise impossible to understand or recognize. More so than that, if, like me, you’ve already slayed one of these bastards, putting a face with what you’ve managed to conquer is such an epic and validating feeling of victory.
… unless you’re my friend, George, the 37 year old KING of the land sharks and legendary resident of the American Eagle Foundation in Pigeon Forge, Tennessee. For the record, if any handsome man on the face of this planet has earned the right to run around biting peoples’ ankles, IT’S GEORGE! Lol. Sometimes I wish I could run around biting peoples’ ankles!
With that, and in honor of National Vulture Awareness Day 2023, let’s have another little “don’t be mean to vultures” chat. In case you didn’t know, vultures are one of my favorite animals, and one of the most misunderstood (a plight I know all too well).
Vultures, Cat? Eww, gross!
Don’t go there, people! We couldn’t survive without these birds with iron stomachs, lest we be consumed by the disease ridden bacteria they consume. Meanwhile, despite their relatively weak legs and feet and lack of a voice box, their “disabilities” don’t stop them from accomplishing their life’s work. Their wings and bills are mighty (they can float like feathers, yet shred dead animal steak like paper), and although they can’t sing like other birds, they manage to thrive with only primitive grunts, screeches, and hisses.
I’m so thankful for this damn bird and even more thankful that I get to live on this big blue marble with his brethren. The next time you see one cleaning up a carcass on the side of the road, PLEASE remember what you’ve learned here and think kindly of them. Besides … beauty is in the eye of the beholder, right? Well, I think George is just STUNNING!
The Diary Of My Perfection 