Tag: zack williamson dallas

JULY 7, 2025: “Just SAY The Thing (Then MAYBE Walk Away!)” …

The Diary Of My Perfection

When you don’t speak your truth, you tend to live a life in the shadows … a life of fear … a life of mediocrity. It can frequently be a root cause of illness, including depression, immunological deficiencies, and even play a role in cancer.
(Unknown)

Well, well, well! I bet you didn’t know there was such a thing as “Tell The Truth Day“, now, didja? Stand up for yourself, my friend, because you are worthy of all the side effects of doing so! Besides, when you finally heal yourself by allowing yourself to speak your truths, you’ll inspire others to begin living their own lives authentically, as well. You’ll also attract the most epic souls as you vibrate higher and higher and create a positive ripple in The Cosmos!

Remember …

You are WORTHY of being loved JUST as you are, “truths” and all, so don’t you dare let anyone convince you otherwise! It’s up to YOU to protect your spirit by RESPECTING it! This is YOUR journey and YOUR life, and you only get one shot at it! Don’t let anyone stand between YOU and YOU!

Oh, and ONE last thing …

Also always remember that sometimes the best thing to do after speaking your truth is to let it rip (as eloquently and diplomatically as possible, of course) then simply walk away rather than “arguing about it”. In my opinion, the best way to even win an argument in the first place (IF, that is, your ego can handle it) is by fully educating yourself on the topic, asking enough questions to confirm what your opponent either does or does not know, then DROPPING THE MIC and walking away quietly once you’ve made YOUR fully educated, well-versed and spoken qualifying points. After all, there’s no such thing as “two idiots arguing” if one of the idiots is smart enough to know when to fold. Just sayin’! Wait! How did we get from truth telling to “the art of war“? Hi everyone! It’s me … CAT! Good luck out there, ya ‘lil truth bomber, you!

“Everyone gets lost sometimes. STAND UP! You may find it’s not as hard as you think, ’cause no one is born the King Of Silence! So, choose your voice! Just speak up … don’t back down … don’t wear that crown! LET YOUR VOICE SCREAM OUT! Be true to who you are! Sometimes in this life, the world may not be with you. sometimes you must fight yourself with your fear behind you. You can’t feel on top of the world with the weight of the world on your shoulders.”

~ We Came As Romans ~

JULY 4, 2025: “The Sound Of Silence” …

The Diary Of My Perfection

Let the dissonance echo inside your ears. I am your worst nightmare … Fear me! I am the sound of silence.

But, alas! There is NOTHING to fear in the wake of the deafening silence that oft becomes our worst nightmare while waiting for the retribution we cry out for when we’ve been wronged or our name has been smeared.

FEAR NOT!

I mean, ALLS I’m saying is no, you do NOT have to defend yourself when people have done you dirty and inked out your story according to their narrative! Yah … NOPE! God really is in every room, whether you believe it, like it, or not, and HIS signature at the end of that page is the only one that counts, sooo …

The plans for your defense were laid out perfectly ahead of time, so, all you have to do is just sit back, shut your trap, hold your breath, watch, and WAIT! Meanwhile, don’t you think for even one second in that silly ‘lil head of yours that He doesn’t know exactly how it feels to endure mockery in silence. I mean, HELLO? Have you seen “humanity” running all amuck down here mocking HIS name and Creation? Do you remember what they did to His Son? If anyone knows how hard it is to just “hurry up and wait” for justice to be served … IT’S HIM! So, yes, He knows how much it’s killing you to hold your tongue. No one gets left behind, I PROMISE! So, if it feels like God is just too quiet for you right now, have some faith and be patient! He’s not done loading up His quill yet, and YES, He’s got your entire CLOCK (which is even better than just your six)! So says The Queen (who also just happens to be God’s FAVORITE daughter)!

JUNE 29, 2025: “The List!” …

The Diary Of My Perfection

(REAL Cat’s Rules For A Better Life):

👉🏼Be kind!

👉🏼Be humble!

👉🏼Be genuine!

👉🏼Be authentic!

👉🏼Create magic!

👉🏼Talk to God DAILY!

👉🏼Always do your best!

👉🏼Take yourself on dates!

👉🏼Don’t make assumptions!

👉🏼Loyalty is NOT an option!

👉🏼Engage in “music therapy“!

👉🏼So, choose your circle wisely!

👉🏼Blaze trails (even TINY ones)!

👉🏼Sing love songs to YOURSELF!

👉🏼Forgiveness. JUST forgiveness!

👉🏼Don’t take anything personally!

👉🏼Be as pure of heart as possible!

👉🏼Be serious (only when necessary)!

👉🏼Be ridiculous (the rest of the time)!

👉🏼Be IMPECCABLE with your words!

👉🏼Always protect your BOUNDARIES!

👉🏼Learn how to be alone, not “lonely”!

👉🏼Make peace with face in the mirror!

Oh, and there’s one last thing I forgot which is actually THE most important:

👉🏼Accept the cold hard FACT that Lucky Charms ARE, in indeed, an entire food group of their own and a 100% “meal in a bowl”!

Bye everyone, it’s me, CAT!

(ps)

JUNE 28, 2025: “17 Years Later” …

The Diary Of My Perfection

It was June 6, 2008, on American Airlines Flight 438 from Nice to Dallas after having chaperoned my son’s class trip abroad when he walked onto our plane, took the window seat of the empty row beside mine, and slid the cocktail napkin onto my tray …

Looks like you need to talk. I’m a good listener.

He’d just watched me trying NOT to fall apart listening to “The Real Life” by 3 Doors Down for the first time ever in my life. Keep in mind that just hours before that Godforsaken (or was it GodSENT) note appeared, I’d just shed the first layer of my skin sitting in the dark on the shoreline in France with our Israeli tour guide, “Adoram”, the first of two innocent bystanders foolish enough to ask me “what’s wrong”.

With them, I was just “speaking” and they listening. No judgement. No advice. Just two people I never thought I’d see again and felt “safe” to slit my wrists upon and verbally vomit what was then an entire lifetime of “secrets” that were killing me. If only they’d known what they were signing up for, right? I was a like a really bad song on a radio they just couldn’t shut off – two unwilling soldiers in the war of me reconciling my own soul.

By the way …

YES, I was married when we met. NO, I never slept with him. (Although, he’s one of the only men I have or will ever let really “hug” me.) YES, emotional affairs are cheating. YES, it was wrong. NO, I’m not ashamed of it. YES, I’d still send that “email heard round the world” and flipped over the proverbial game table of my then “perfectly BULLSHIT” life! YES, I’m still very much in contact with “The Flyboy” who still lives in Sweden, and YES, I very much do love him. We speak on the phone as often as we can and I see him whenever he’s in Dallas for his pilot simulator trainings. YES, he loves me, too. YES, he’s going to see this, because he’s been here reading The Diary and on my social media “hiding in PLANE sight” all the while. And so, with that …

Dear Flyboy,

Hi there, it’s me again! Thank you! Just THANK YOU! This REAL life I live now truly is so far away from the liar, liar, pants on fire fake one I used to, err, “live”, and I have God, Adoram, you, and that silly little napkin to blame for it!

~ Love Forever … ME!

JUNE 26, 2025: “STILL Seein’ The Gold!” …

The Diary Of My Perfection

It was January of 1997 the first time I heard it while attending the first Bible study I’d ever been to in my life in a dear friend’s living room after I’d finally met the REAL Jesus I’d never really known outside of seeing the 30-foot tall crucified version of Him hanging over the altar at my Catholic elementary school.

Sadly, this was during a very fragile time in my life when I was still tortured by my abhorrent reflection in a mirror, having just come off the tail end of an unsuccessful attempt to end my own life on November 8, 1996 after a toxic entanglement with the second undiagnosed DSM-5 textbook malignant narcissist of my life straight from literal Hell. The first, of course, was my “father“, who for the longest time I correlated to God, so, of course I was scared to actual death of Him AND the FARTHEST thing from feeling truly “lovable” by anyone, much less myself. During that Bible study, the lights went down quietly so we could immerse ourselves in “the song of the night”. It was a moment that still gives me the chills and reduces me to tears to think about, and I will never forget the first time I heard those MOST impeccably strung together words:

These lonely hours like a fire refining, something that’s precious, something that’s shining. There in the darkness surrounded by coals, it’s starting to glow … and I think I see gold!

IT WAS HIM!

It was GOD singing those words to me that night, and although it was almost two full decades before I finally came to terms with EXACTLY “what, who, when, and where” I am when I look into the glass, which is “Nothing, Everything, ALL OF IT!” … fearfully, wonderfully, and IMPERFECTLY made in the MOST magnificent Father’s image that any child could be made in!

I’ve been listening to this song often for going on 28 years – even on my good days – as one of my “survival” tools. I’ve actually already Diaried it. So, if you’re someone reading this right now who’s let some mortal man or woman’s deflection of you believe you’re anything less than an actual brick of gold, please listen to it in a dark, quiet place and REMEMBER WHO YOU ARE! All that fire you’ve had to walk through was never meant to destroy you … it was meant to BURNISH and REFINE you! YOU’RE His favorite, too, by the way! You see, God’s kinda cool like that, and no one gets left in the ashes on His watch!

~ The Real GOLDEN Cat!

“The Divine Apostrophe“

JUNE 21, 2025: “UN-Know Me, Please!” …

The Diary Of My Perfection

Hell is … other people.

The late French philosopher, Jean-Paul Sartre, whose birthday is today, famously penned those words! As an existentialist, he believed there was no such thing as a universal “human nature”, but rather, a universal “human condition”. He also believed in individual personal freedom, and that as free people, we’re solely responsible for all aspects of our own individual character, actions, choices, morals, beliefs, and consciousness.

I couldn’t agree with him more! I mean, HELLO? And have you READ all the things I’ve written about “mother THINGS” that (not “who”) torture, abuse, or abandon their own babies, “people THINGS” that abuse animals, or heard any of my rantings about women who bash on men?

So? What is existentialism, anyway, Cat, and why you tryina shove all this philosophy crap down our throats?
(… said no one to me EVER!)

Existentialism is a philosophy of human nature that identifies people as having the free will to determine the course of their own lives. It emphasizes individual responsibility to create meaning rather than relying on a higher power or religion to determine what is important, valuable, or morally right. While I don’t completely align with just one philosophical mindset, I suppose that I do align with some of this. As far as I’m concerned, “total freedom” is awesome, but it comes with complete and total responsibility, in which case, I am heretofore assuming all responsibility for the fact that, frankly speaking, some of you may have missed this memo:

‼️Un … Know … ME‼️

(… not that anyone really does or will)! Bye everyone, it’s me, CAT!

JUNE 19, 2025: “The Animals … THEY KNOW THINGS!” …

The Diary Of My Perfection

On this day in 2018, humanity lost a magical soul. Her name was Koko the gorilla:

Koko was no ordinary gorilla, she was hand-raised by Dr. Francine “Penny” Patterson, who soon realized that Koko was destined to be extraordinary. Trained in American Sign Language from a young age, Koko learned to communicate with her human caretakers in ways no other gorilla had before. Her vocabulary eventually grew to over 1,000 signs, and she understood more than 2,000 words of spoken English. Through this unique ability, Koko opened a window into the mind of another species, showing the world that gorillas could express emotions, desires, and even humor. She was a creature of deep emotions and profound connections. She loved cats, adopting several over her lifetime, and treated them with the same care and affection one might expect from a human parent. Her bond with her caregivers was unmistakable, filled with moments of tenderness, laughter, and even sorrow. Yet, it was Koko’s final message to the world that left everyone in surprised. In her later years, Koko began to express concerns about the state of the Earth. Using her signs, she spoke of nature, urging humans to “protect Earth”. This message, coming from a gorilla, was not just surprising-it was haunting. Many believe that Koko had a unique understanding of the fragile balance between humanity and the natural world, a balance she implored us to preserve. There are those who think Koko’s words were not her own, but rather a scripted message she was trained to deliver.

(“EverythingFunGram“)

As far as I’m concerned, beautiful souls recognize other beautiful souls. So, if you just keep your eyes closed and heart open, you’ll find all “your people”. Well, Koko, my love, while I never “saw” you with my actual eyes, I SEE YOU NOW, and yes, you’re one of my people (just like all the other animals who have touched my life and taught me things).

Of note, the first time I saw this clip on social media over a year ago, it was set to that song I love to hate the most, “In This Shirt“. While I did, of course, want to post the clip of “Koko’s last message“, with the actual sound of her voice, I dropped it here below in The Diary again in her honor. If any soul that’s ever graced this planet is deserving of such a bittersweet ballad to break our own souls in half as much as her view of “humanity” broke hers, it’s Koko. Without ever having said a single word, she spoke with such beautiful conviction of her heart.

“Koko.org“

“Conviction Of The Heart“

JUNE 14, 2025: “This Land Is MY Land” …

The Diary Of My Perfection

IT’S NATIONAL FLAG DAY …

… and while I don’t know which content creator gets the credit for this video (DM me, please, if it’s you!), I’m willing to bet my shrink wrapped box of emergency Lucky Charms that this young old man is a Veteran.

Just LOOK at how he honors her!

This land that I call home is nothing short of imperfect, and these days I kinda wanna kick some of the “powers” that be in their sheepen ASS! (Wait! Is that even a word? “Sheepen”? Well, I guess it is NOW, bitches!) Meanwhile, I still LOVE this country … AND her flag … and regardless of what ANYONE says or thinks … America is still the best land to call mine.

Bye the way, If you’re an “American” who doesn’t have a MASSIVE problem with the hoards of actual ANIMALS running around here waving their flags and spitting on ours instead of just kindly packing up and going back to the land where their flag flies so freely, GET OUT OF MY FUCKING DIARY! This is saying a lot by the way, considering the fact that almost a third of my ancestry traces back to Jalisco! Do I think everyone should be allowed to partake in all the fun in our American playground? Yes. YES, I DO! But the last time I checked, even an American can’t get into an amusement park without checking in at the front gates first and buying a fucking ticket, so, there’s that!

~ Real PATRIOT Cat!

JUNE 12, 2025 (6:00PM): “I Am NOT Okay (But i WILL Be)! …

The Diary Of My Perfection

Oh, don’t you worry, though, dear readers! I got this, bitches! I PROMISE! At least I’m brave enough to say it out loud:

I … am NOT … okay!

Well, at least I’m 77% sure I’m not okay … BUT … I will be, ’cause Imma cat and cats ALWAYS land on their feet (even with a “buttered side up” piece of bread strapped to their back)!

Meanwhile, in rolling from “squares” to “circles”, I find it no coincidence that despite the fact that it had been drafted, locked, and loaded well over seven months ago, THIS was my Diary entry this morning:

A year ago today, my son sent me another one of those cryptic “music thing” messages.
(“What Will You Do With Your 4,680 Squares?”)

Talk about the absolutely beautiful trajectory of this wonky yet ever so FULL CIRCLE that both mine and my children’s lives are moving in! He was brave enough to tell me that he was not okay … now I’m brave enough to say that I, too, am not okay … which believe it or not is exactly why “imma be alright“! What doesn’t kill me will always make me stronger, ’cause I’m their momma and my work here won’t be done until I can rest assured knowing they have all the tools and examples they will ever need to BE OKAY! Dear GOD, how I love my fucking life (and also all my birds and squirrels)! Goodnight everyone! It’s me, CAT!

JUNE 12, 2025 (6:00AM): “Where Will You Go With Your 4,680 Squares?” …

The Diary Of My Perfection
Video Credit And Ownership To “Law Of Manifestation“

A year ago today, my son sent me another one of those cryptic “music thing” messages.

4,680.

THAT’S how many ‘lil grey squares you get IF you’re lucky and you live to see the ripe old age of 90. Now then …

The lyrics of “Where Will I Go” paint a vivid picture of Hopsin’s experiences as a child and the challenges he encountered. The song starts with a powerful hook, where Hopsin expresses his feelings of isolation and his desire to be understood. It’s evident that he has been feeling down, but nobody seems to know or understand his pain.
(“Old Time Music“)

Think of yourself as dead. You have lived your life. Now take what’s left and live it properly!

(Marcus Aurelius)

Bye everyone, it’s me, CAT!

JUNE 11, 2025: “Say What You Will” …

The Diary Of My Perfection

Say what you will to me … still I dare to be more than what you are. I will not concede ’til my destiny is etched in the sky with the stars.

A very Happy Birthday to this epic Myles Kennedy song whose official video was released one year ago today!

… meanwhile, here I still stand in the fire of so many others’ opinions, yet, seduced by their prideful games no longer! Who da fuck do they think they are, anyway, with the turns of their knives, slips of their tongues, and bitter and blind ‘ll judgment juries of one? Lol! Keep on speaking your minds, but don’t waste too much time speaking to me, because I AM MY OWN VOICE IN THE DARK and to you I pay NO mind at all! WOWSER! Now that was some cryptic Diary entering, right? Bye everyone, it’s me, CAT!

JUNE 7, 2025: “He’s Somebody’s Son!” …

The Diary Of My Perfection

For those of you who don’t already know this by now, June is “Men’s Mental Health Awareness Month“. As such, I want to touch on something yet again that I’m probably unreasonably passionate about as not just the mother of a son, but a widow by the suicide of a “motherless son“. Perhaps you’ve heard this beautiful Drew Baldridge song that was clearly written to honor his daughter:

“She’s somebody’s daughter. She’s somebody’s everything. She’s somebody’s little girl, even if she’s grown up and moved away. She’s somebody’s whole world. She’s somebody’s baby, and if you don’t treat her right, hers won’t be the only heart you’re breaking.”

Impeccable words, right? I’m the mother of a daughter, too, by the way, and you best believe that when her heart breaks, so does mine. I MADE IT! Meanwhile, can’t we, though? Just CAN’T WE? Can’t we PLEASE just normalize “singing” this song and its mantra in reverse:

“He’s somebody’s son. He’s somebody’s everything. He’s somebody’s little boy, even if he’s grown up and moved away. He’s somebody’s whole world. He’s somebody’s baby, and if you don’t treat him right, his won’t be the only heart you’re breaking.”

Remember … MEN HAVE FEELINGS, TOO! So, let’s just try being a little more mindful of this factually factual FACT! Now then, ladies – do me a favor and go hug the man in your life right now, please, or if the man in your life isn’t close by, just call or text him today and send him a little hug over the line. Just sayin’.

JUNE 6, 2025: “All Aboard The Empathy Bus!” …

The Diary Of My Perfection
(Voiceover Credit To Jullz Wolf Poetry)

Empaths go through two transformations: naïve innocence and awakened strength. At first, they love without limits, driven by the need to please and the fear of abandonment- making them easy targets for narcissists and manipulators. This cycle continues until a breaking point, where deep betrayal or emotional abuse shatters them entirely. But destruction leads to transformation. They rebuild with boundaries, self-respect, and emotional intelligence. No longer naive, they become empowered empaths-kind, but intentional. Compassionate, but no longer exploitable. They don’t lose their empathy-they learn how to wield it.
(Author Unknown)

Hey! You! EMPATH! It’s “World Empathy Day” once again, so, don’t you even worry about those chaos filled bullshit busses today! Just get in your even BETTER bus, turn that bitch around so your squared up grill to grill with those people, places, and things that come to drain your tank, then honk your horn back at them as loud as you possibly can! In the meantime, be sure to be continually healing yourself:

👉🏼 Just … Say … NO!

Keep on learning and learning and learning this! Saying NO is Rule No. 1 for an empath! Beware of all that people-pleasing, ’cause you WILL be taken advantage of, so: “Umm, NO thanks!” with ZERO guilt should be your holy grail!

👉🏼 Have Empathy … FOR YOURSELF!

Being able to identify and validate your OWN needs is crucial for your continual rebooting! How do YOU feel? What do YOU think? What are YOUR limitations and deal breakers? KNOW and PROTECT THEM! You CANNOT fill anyone else’s cup if yours is fuckin’ EMPTY!

👉🏼 DISENGAGE and DISCONNECT!

Power down and recharge your grid when the world at large has tapped you out! Is it selfish to shut everyone out? YUP! You BETCHA! It’s selfish, selfish, SELFish (and allowed)!

Okay, kids! So, what have we learned today? Being an empath is one of THE greatest blessings AND curses! “To whom much is given?” Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah! Now, who’s gonna GIVE back to YOU? TAG! Sometimes YOU’RE gonna have to be IT, my empath friend! So, grab those bus keys and DRIVE it! Or, take a nap in it. Just take care of YOU today!

JUNE 4, 2025: “… Because The Deeper The Love!” …

The Diary Of My Perfection
(🤍 6.4.25 … “Them” 🤍)

“So, Cat, what’s your favorite love story of all times? Is it ‘Noah and Allie’? ‘Rhett and Scarlett’? ‘Jack and Rose’? ‘Rick and Ilsa’? ‘Yuri and Lara'”?

Well, I’ll tell you! Perhaps when some normal people are asked about their favorite love stories of all times, their answers might pull from the ranks and pages of some of the greatest historical literary or cinematic romances of all times, fictional as they may be, and sound a little something like this: “Noah and Allie“, “Rhett and Scarlett“, “Jack and Rose“, “Rick and Ilsa“, or “Yuri and Lara“.

Nope! Not me! For me, it’s “James and Margaret“! THEY are one of my favorite “power couples” of all times and proof positive that unconditional love between two truly connected souls is REAL! And THIS despite the fact that I’ve been blessed with a few true yet bittersweet “great love stories” of my own. Meanwhile, I couldn’t be any more thankful to “The Daily James” for bringing them into my atmosphere if I tried, especially in that these two crazy kids have been such a source of inspiration and joy for me in my “alone, but not lonely” widowhood this last few years.

Meanwhile, and as is par for the course with this Diary, it didn’t take me long to think of the perfect song to pair with this entry, albeit a 34-year-old blast from my hair-sprayed metal past! With that, let me just drop this ‘lil love note to The One whose taught me the most about truly unconditional love over the course of our lifetime together:

Dear God:

When I look back on everything I’ve done, I know You must have cried a river of tears. But You were there when I was feeling low, to walk me through my darkest fears. So, when The Sun goes down and those nights grow colder, I know You’ll be there looking over my shoulder!

~ Your FAVORITE Daughter!

… and now a ‘lil love note to the four little birdies I love the most in this world whose “relationship goals” I often pray about on my literal hands and knees:

To My “Bebes“:

There may be times you’ll almost let each other go because you’ll think you need to just break free. But stay right there and whisper to each other, “Why don’t you share your dreams with me?” When The Sun goes down and those nights are growing colder, please always just keep looking over each other’s shoulders! ‘Cause the deeper the love … the stronger the emotion! And the stronger the love … the deeper the devotion! In other words? BE LIKE JAMES AND MARGARET!

~ MOMMA!

[NOTE: Even my son is now fascinated with “love birds”! Ironically, he’d sent me this video of the power couple HE’S been following just minutes before I hopped onto Insta and saw the post about James & Margaret! So freaking cool!]

… and BY the way, if you don’t think I didn’t just screenshot this pic and order a print so I can frame it and keep it in my home, you’re about as delulu as I prolly am for doing it!

@TheDailyJames

MAY 25, 2025: “The Anchor” …

The Diary Of My Perfection

When this question was posed on my writing forum today, “What is the biggest burden of your life?”, my answer was instantaneous and all but jumped out of my skin:

Perhaps amongst the heaviest burdens in my life is the one that as an empath I feel compelled, if not psychologically hardwired to bear when it comes to all but SCREAMING to others I see carrying all the heavy stuff that they refuse to just PUT DOWN!
{See Also :: “Heavy“}

You can say it all fades away in time, but this grave is a ladder that I must climb! Since the day that you left, I can’t seem to move on. All the weight that I felt, will I sink ’til I’m gone? THE ANCHOR!

Look, I don’t know who needs to hear this right now, but truth being told, although the lifelong effects of grief in every form do tend to fade away in time … be it grief for the dead, the living, or all the tangible things a person can lose … just six feet beneath every grave is the first rung of a ladder that you must climb up before you can move on – BUT – you’ll never make it up that ladder and out of the endless amounts of burial plots we humans dig for ourselves unless and until you CHOOSE to let go of the chain that keeps you anchored to that unhallowed ground below.

Remember …

No weight of any kind can just jump into your hands, wrap itself around your neck, or straddle itself across your back. YOU have to agree to either pick it up or allow yourself to be burdened with it. Do you understand this? It is CRUCIAL to your human survival, mental wealth, and growth that you understand this! Make the choice to drop that anchor and unburden yourself!

I have long believed that the truth of just about anything can be found in all the questions you aren’t allowed to ask. A more sobering truth, however, is that often the person who is refusing to allow “the questions” we so desperately need the answers from is the one we face in the mirror. With that being said, I cannot encourage anyone who’s searching for the reasons they’re sinking to the abyss strongly enough to do that most important work of all, which is to sit with yourself in solitude and have what just may be the most important conversation of your life.

Who, what, when and where do I need to let go of so that I can finally learn to breathe again?

(ps)

IF I CAN DO IT, YOU CAN DO IT! Trust me when I say I’ve have had my share of “heavy shit” to carry in my head, heart, and soul, but it wasn’t until I DECIDED to do the work, ask myself “the questions”, then drop all the weight that I finally started living freely and became my OWN “master“. No one else could have done it for me … not even God Himself! It’s called free will for a reason, people, and one will only ever be “anchor free” when they CHOOSE TO BE! Just sayin’.

– Tyson Liberto –

MAY 23, 2025: “It’s Been A Mad Season!” …

The Diary Of My Perfection

Understand me. I’m not like an ordinary world. I have my madness, I live in another dimension and I do not have time for things that have no soul.
~ Charles Bukowski

Twenty five years ago today, Matchbox Twenty gave birth to this song via its Mad Season album release. Although I’ve always been a fan of both the band and this song, how little did I know back then that it become a permanent part of my playlist for an entire quarter of a century! If you’ve never heard of either the band or the song, I cannot recommend looking them both up highly enough. Meanwhile, the words have taken on an such a twisted and rebirthed life of their own in the years since I first heard them. Back then, I really did feel “hopeless, lost, stupid, broken, and undone“. [SEE ALSO: The the words in bold below:]

I feel stupid, but I know it won’t last for long. And I’ve been guessing, and I could have been guessing wrong. You don’t know me now. I kinda thought that you should somehow. Does that whole mad season gotcha down? And I feel stupid, but it’s something that comes and goes. And I’ve been changing. I think it’s funny how no one noticed. We don’t talk about the little things that we do without when that whole mad season comes around. So, why ya gotta stand there looking like the answer now? It seems to me you’ll come around! I need you now. Do you think you can cope? You figured me out … that I’m lost and I’m hopeless. I’m bleeding and broken, though I’ve never spoken. I’ve come undone in this mad season. I feel stupid, but I think I’ve been catching on. I feel ugly, but I know I still turn you on. You’ve grown colder now … torn apart, angry, turned around. What? That whole mad season knock you down? So, are you gonna stand there or are you gonna help me out? We need to be together now! I need you now. Do you think you can cope? You figured me out … that I’m lost and I’m hopeless. I’m bleeding and broken, though I’ve never spoken. I’ve come undone in this mad season. And now I’m crying, isn’t that what you want? And I’m trying to live my life on my own, but I won’t, no! At times I do believe I am strong. So, someone tell me why, why, why do I, I, I feel stupid … and I’ve come undone? Well, I come undone!

These days? The words to this song are amongst my top “songs of myself” mantras! I mean, don’t get me wrong … even as impossibly strong and “put together” (it sometimes only seems) that I’ve become, there are still many a days I wake up feeling stupid, but never “hopeless and undone”! As a matter of fact, dare I say that in true Matchbox Twenty style, happily staying “BENT” is a preferred and celebrated way of life for me! Carl Jung believed that true understanding of the sacred comes not from sanity, but from experiencing the depths of madness. I couldn’t agree more.

Welp! That’s all she wrote! Well, except for this ‘lil last minute nugget: As far as I’m concerned, there is literally nothing more attractive to me than an unabashedly authentic human soul speaking passionately about their passions … win, lose, or draw … with a glimmer of absolute insanity in their eyes!

MUAH!

[SEE ALSO: “Hi everyone! It’s me, CAT!”]

MAY 22, 2025: “Today @ 8:12AM!” …

The Diary Of My Perfection

Dear Me,

Oh, how this epic roller coaster of a life I get to ride on never fails me! Five years, six months, and one whole day later, and leave it to that ride or die of mine and his bittersweet, cryptic, and powerful “music thing” messages to bring one of THE most important Diary entries I’ve ever written full circle by sending me THE perfect song to finally pair with it!

Meanwhile, and dare I remind you …

This is no longer just our communion. The worms of our flesh have turned with all the sacrifices you once swallowed, but now the once cold blood from the cup is warm again. It wasn’t so evil, as much as it was hunger … this body and the bones I picked clean. I built that cage I was trapped in with her, but guess what? I REMEMBERED WHERE I’D HIDDEN THE KEY! All of the reasons for me to get by became a need to get “high”, then pulled me down into an abyss of a life that was no fucking life whatsoever! The trick was always for me to get out of my own skin, but the beast had been calling for me all the while and slowly assuming control. I once truly was a taxidermy sewn into my own soul, but THESE days? NO MORE SLEEPING … only STAYING WIDE AWAKE in this dream that’s allowed me to get out of my own skin, because I was only ever as sick as the secrets I kept within! Those days are gone now, though, aren’t they? I’m so fucking proud of you, me! I LOVE YOU!

MAY 20, 2025: “The BEST Of Times!” …

The Diary Of My Perfection

For me, the train is headed to 78 Lookout Avenue in Johnston, Rhode Island, the place where I was born, at the home of my Uncle Norman and Auntie Connie, where pretty much all my “happiest childhood memories” still live. It was “the house with the slate floors and the little lawn jockey holding a lamp at the end of the driveway”! I can see it in my mind right now as if I’m pulling in for Easter dinner this second and can smell her cavattis in gravy as I’m walking over the threshold of the back kitchen door where we’d be greeted with THE biggest hug EVER from my Aunt. (“Gravy”, for all you NON goombahs reading this is what we Italians call that red, saucy stuff in jars some of you buy at the store to serve with pasta!)

They weren’t just my Godparents, but more so much more than that, and it was their home where our entire family would typically gather for major events and milestones before it sadly all blew apart one sad day the summer of ’79. Their son, “My Cousin Norman”, lol, was and is still perhaps THE biggest Kiss fan alive, and not only was his room where my sister and I would often hang out when my Aunt was babysitting us was literally plastered wall to wall in KISS album covers and memorabilia, but down in the basement he he’d built an actual KISS stage where he and his friends from the hood would dress up like Paul, Gene, Ace, and Peter and play concerts for all us cousins in the audience!

It’s been almost 15 years since the last time I went back to Providence when Zack and were on our honeymoon, actually, but every single time I do go home, I always make sure to drive by their old house … and? I CRY MY FUCKING EYES OUT! You know me, right? I’m nothing if not a pile of nostalgia and emotions (topped with a heaping serving of F-BOMBS)! Good times! No. The BEST of times!

So, where’s the train dropping YOU? Tell me in the comments!

MAY 19, 2025: “Reason Enough!” …

The Diary Of My Perfection
“But Cat, there’s a pretty good chance that all this crazy ‘God’ stuff isn’t real.”
But let me ask you this: WHAT IF IT IS? Are you really willing to hedge that big of a bet with your soul and have your all your hopes and dreams just end in the heart of a graveyard?
“True freedom is understanding that some things just aren’t meant to be understood, because they’re NOT, and that having blind faith in all the things we can’t know isn’t as scary it seems. Even if we’re wrong about the things we deaf, dumb, and BLINDLY believe, we’re still ‘halfway right’. As far as I’m concerned, ‘halfway right’ is still a 50/50 odd, and I will gladly bet on it.”
{“The Freedom“}
As for me? Indeed, I’ve been called “crazy” by far too many people for far too many reasons to list. Lol. At this point, I all but embrace it! Being called “crazy” for not being afraid to die? I’ll wear that little badge with honor!
(“Isn’t That Crazy?”)

… ’cause at the end of the day, there is NO “unanswered” prayer. You just have to have to learn how to recognize the answers. I’m so beyond thankful for everyone of mine … win, lose, OR draw … and even more thankful that I was forced … no, wait … that I “got” to learn how to “see” things truly blindly. If that isn’t reason enough for me to believe, then what am I even doing here? Bye everyone … it’s me … CAT!

MAY 18, 2025: “5.18.25” …

The Diary Of My Perfection

“5.18.24” …

… exactly one year ago today … aka one of the top five worst days of my life. This is really saying something, by the way, since I’ve had, like, at least a couple dozen “worst days of my life“. Yes, I still miss him every day. Yes, I always will. He’s a part of the ethereal fabric that shrouds my soul with love eternal. Mommy loves you, Lord Williamson. Tell your Dad I said hi. I’ll see you both when I get There.

MAY 12, 2025: “My May Crowning’! …

The Diary Of My Perfection

One of the gifts I received from my sister yesterday was this stained glassed window ornament that says, “Happiness gives our hearts wings. Love sets them soaring.” Literally nothing could be further from the truth in this moment, because I feel like I could literally fly today with my “love wings”! If only every woman in this world could be so lucky. Bye everyone, it’s me, CAT!

“One, Three, Four & Five!”

“My Diamond Encrusted Tiara!”

MAY 11, 2025: “Apples & Martyrs” …

The Diary Of My Perfection
“Apples Never Fall”

It’s Mother’s Day, once again, and here’s to all us “She’s”:

She’s the whisper of the leaves when you walk down the street, the smell of certain foods you remember, every flower you pick, and the fragrance of life itself. She’s the hand on your brow when you’re not feeling well and your breath in the air on a winter’s day. She’s the sound of the rain that lulls you to sleep, the colors of a rainbow, and the heartbeat of Christmas morning. She’s the place you came from, your very first home, and the map you follow with every step you take. She’s your first love, your first friend, even your first enemy, but nothing on earth can separate you. Not time, not space… not even death. She is always with you. She’s your Mother. She is Love.
(“She Is Love“)

Now, as regards the Jordan B. Peterson “female crucifixion” peace below, by no means am I proclaiming to be a saint or anywhere close to the mother of Jesus, but, “crucified” I’ve been just the same with every breathe they taken, move they’ve made since leaving the protection of my womb. Guess what, folks? I wouldn’t have had it any other way! This life that seems to be some type of martyrdom to so many others has been the highest honor, privilege, and calling of my life and I wouldn’t have had it any other way. Meanwhile …

You wake up one day and you realize the person that you were meant to be is gone … you gave her up for people who don’t even see you … and there’s no time to grieve her because there’s too much damn laundry. You just wake up one day and you realize that half of you … maybe the best part of you … is dead.

NO! Just NO! I have not and will not ever allow myself to believe that a single one of my “sacrifices” have not been “seen, remembered, or appreciated” by the people closest to me, not the least of which are my babies, grown as they may now be. Besides, nothing I’ve ever been, done, or given for them has been a sacrifice. Being their mother is what I was created to be, and I don’t need a Macy’s Day Parade thrown in my honor to feel honored! Guess what, folks? I have, can, and will continue to bestow that seemingly elusive recognition upon myself like only a true queen can by continuing to walk in my “Power + Grace”! It’s who I am and what I was built for! Win, lose, or draw, it’s been a truly WONDERFUL life here for me thus far. Here’s to the next open chapters of GRAND MOTHERHOOD that are fast approaching!

MAY 3, 2025: “Seasonal Cutting” …

The Diary Of My Perfection

Please, God, let it be me! Let me be the one to have absorbed the very last drops of poison that bled out and suffocated the rotting roots of our sick and dying tree so that the branches of my children and theirs will reach up and touch the Sun instead of digging back down into hell. I am humbled and honored to have been chosen for such a sacred calling and for getting to know “the secret”.
(“The Secret Of The Changing Seasons”)

… meanwhile, here I still am walking this Earth with my invisible ‘lil sword just slaying the proverbial dragons that were meant to devour both me and my children. I won’t let them down as our seasons change!

While on the surface it probably appears as though I’m fixated on helping my kids live their best lives ever … NOPE! They’re helping ME live MINE! It’s what I was made for. It’s what I do. I’m their momma and I’m “ALL IN” with ’em on this ride … win, lose, or draw!

Oh, and HAPPY BIRTHDAY to one of the songs of my lifetime of ever changing seasons that was released this day back in 2018.

MAY 1, 2025: “For The Love Of Job” …

The Diary Of My Perfection

“Naked I came from my mother’s womb, and naked shall I depart. The Lord gave, and the Lord has taken away; blessed be the name of the Lord.”

{JOB 1:21}

… because no matter WHO or WHAT your higher power is (mine is Jesus’s Dad, the Father of The Trinity, God), it never hurts to be in a perpetual state of GRATITUDE for all things big and small, including the really bad stuff. With that in mind, and as some of you may know, today is the “National Day Of Prayer“. So, have you ever heard the story of Job?

“Job“

Job was a good and righteous man with crazy blind faith in God. Despite the immense, if not unfathomable levels of suffering he’d experienced over the course of his early life, however, not the least of which was losing his children, possessions, and health, he was able to maintain his gratitude for God in the midst of his agony.

Job praised God with his heart, lips, and mere existence, and used his often excruciating pain as a way to strengthen his bond with Him. He unwaveringly believed that God was greater than every one of his struggles, regardless of how painful, and therefore still worthy of praise and glory! Then? GUESS WHAT? God blessed Job with so much more than he had in the first place, up to and including an extra long life and ten more sons and daughters!

In so many ways, I have likened my life to Job’s. I mean, have you MET me? Do you know my story? I, too, have lost a child who died in my own arms, and watched the two loves of my life dying right in front of me. I, too, once lost my possessions. I, too, almost lost my health due to self-inflicted wounds and mental illness. Meanwhile, I know for a FACT that I’m BLESSED, am literally one of the most joy-filled women I know, and definitely God’s favorite daughter.

Seneca once said,

No man is more unhappy than he who never faces adversity. For he is not permitted to prove himself.

… but I would like to add to that age old wisdom and tweak it:

No man is more unhappy than he who never faces adversity. For he is not permitted to hold fast to his gratitude and faith.

“Power & Grace“, people!

POWER & GRACE!

In all things, I know He still reigns and I will NEVER stop praying like a child in gratitude for my blessed and abundant life. Just sayin’!

“He Reigns!”

APRIL 28, 2025: “Rule #1!” …

The Diary Of My Perfection

.. meanwhile, “RULE #2” is to never forget “RULE #1”! Good morning everyone, it’s me, CAT! Make it a GREAT day!

APRIL 27, 2025: “The FIGHT Club!” …

The Diary Of My Perfection

“It didn’t kill me … but something changed.
A piece of me lost … forever estranged.
I walked away … yet not the same.
A shadowed soul … a quiet flame.
That day took part of who I was …
left me searching, without a cause.
I carry on … but feel the void.
A heart once whole … now destroyed.
It didn’t end me … but I’m not whole.
An echo remains deep in my soul.
I’m here … I breathe … but truth denied …
A part of me that day quietly died.”
{Author Unknown}

You’ve oft heard it said, “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger!” Indeed, I wholeheartedly agree! HOWEVER, what prolly also should be said literally every time someone utters those ever so famous “seven words” is:

“… but not before it literally fucking BREAKS you first”!

I’ve had the, err, “privilege” of one of these “falling to your knees and screaming” moments three times now. The first was more of an internal raging scream at that moment my nugget of a daughter slipped into the next room, headed to The Brighter Side Of Grey, and flew off with a piece of my soul. The second was that night back in 1999 when one of the less than a handful of men I’ve ever truly loved hopped on his Harley and rode head-first into a brick wall going 90mph with no helmet. The third was on August 23, 2019, when the police chief of Parker, Texas walked into the hospital where my daughter was also shattering to tell me they’d found my husband dead in his car courtesy of the hollow point he’d put in his own head:

No, I don’t think God was laughing that day or that He laughs on any of the days we spend facing the wrath of His angels. In fact, I’m certain that He was on that hospital wailing WITH me and holding me tight as every shred of what I’d come to believe as truth turned out to be the devil’s lie. God DID give me wings, but it was MY job to learn to fly. I had to face not just Zack’s, but my own “devil in the mirror” before I could ascend to the sky.
(“I’m Alright, Thanks For Asking.”)

So, yeah, I’m still here and none of those moments killed me, but here’s to that sorry ole devil for trying, right? (#IMWINNING, lol!) I guess what I’m saying is that if you haven’t had one of these moments yet, God love you. No, seriously.

Even more seriously, though, while this, err, “fight club” of sorts really really stinks and the membership fee sucks massive BALLS, know that once you get your card you’ll be welcomed and embraced by the rest of us who’ve gone toe to toe with everything that was meant to break us and lived to tell about it! Until then, take NOTHING and NO ONE for granted, please. Life is precious and so is your mental wealth, so here’s hoping that when (and not if) your time finally comes to hit the floor and shatter, you’ll find every bit of power, grace, fortitude, and resilience hiding within yourself to join the ranks of us who’ve SURVIVED (and even THRIVED) “post-mortem”. And oh, yah, one more thing …

“#MEMENTOMORI“!

“I’m Alright, Thanks For Asking.”

APRIL 26, 2025: “Well ‘DOWN’ With The Fallen, Your Blessedness!” …

The Diary Of My Perfection

As the world continues to mourn and bury Pope Francis today …

But Cat? You’ve always said you’re a “recovering” Catholic? So, why are you even writing about him? Aren’t you kind of being a hypocrite? I’m so confused!
(Quite Literally … “No One”)

Yes, it’s true that I’m a “recovering Catholic“. An even truer truth is I’m in recovery from organized religion as a whole. Do I love my Jesus? YES, I DO! I’m some sort of oxymoronic rogue Christian FREAK about my truly blind faith in “Someone” beyond my conception. I’m either cursing up a storm, raining down hellfire and damnation down from my way to sanctimonious soapbox, or praying on my hands and knees like a child. Meanwhile, if you didn’t know a single thing about him, perhaps a few of the quotes I heard while watching the coverage of his passing said it all:

Pope Francis seemed to be CHANGING the church … bringing it into the modern world in a way that no Pope had before.

This is a Pope who wanted to build bridges … not to build walls.

He not only preached in word … he preached in deed.

He’s doing EXACTLY what Jesus asked him to do … he’s feeding the hungry, clothing the naked, sheltering the homeless …

The humility … the modesty … the accessibility of this man named Pope Francis.

He liked to push the line on some things, and not every Catholic was comfortable with that.

His most famous line when he was asked about gay priests … “As long as they have a good heart and are searching for God, who am I to judge?”

He brought to Rome that sense that the place of the powerful is with the least powerful and the poor and he tried to live that out. For example … Francis went to prisons. He goes to the peripheries … he washes the feet of inmates to show that the way to be a Pope is not to be on high, it’s to be down low.

The papacy of Pope Francis in one word: Mercy. Mercy, mercy, MERCY!

… but perhaps my favorite quote of all:

“Pope Francis understood the mercy that says “I see you, I understand you, I accept you, and I love you for who you are, what you are, where you are.” He recognized that people live in grey … none of us are perfect.”

Ah! That’s it! “People live in grey!” In grey … in grey … in GREY:

If you know me well, you know that grey is my favorite color, which is evident in my either predominately black and white or changing shades of grey artwork. What’s interesting about this one, though, is how poignantly it reflects upon the mental illness I fought so hard to overcome for the majority of my life long before it was diagnosed.
(“The Brighter Side Of Grey“)

Pope Francis truly lived that “the place of the powerful is with the LEAST powerful and poor” by “ruling” his kingdom by not “ruling” at all. Rather, he LED from far down below. Down with the lowest … down with the dirtiest …

DOWN WITH THE FALLEN!

“Tired eyes, barely open … crippled by a promise broken. I have seen an empire falling. Hopeless, can you hear me calling? Turn away from all that I know … burning this bridge behind me. Light the way and I’LL FOLLOW where you go!”
(… said Pope Francis to Jesus Christ by his works, deeds, and mercy for ALL of humanity, up to and including the lowest of the low and filthiest of the filthy and NOT just the “holier than thou”!)

Farewell and Godspeed, Jorge Mario Bergoglio! You truly were “The Peoples’ Pope”, and the least Catholic pontiff who ever graced this Earth. You seem to have believed you were absolutely NOTHING, which to me, made you EVERYTHING, and I’m honored to have stood in your presence. You clearly understood your assignment, and I “saw” you! Well done!

APRIL 22, 2025: “Conviction Of The Heart” …

The Diary Of My Perfection
(✨Artwork by Brian Medieros✨)

One with the Earth … with the sky … one with everything in life.

HAPPY EARTH DAY!

Now, let me ask you a question…

Where are the dreams that you once had? This is the time to bring them back! What were the promises caught on the tip of your tongue? Do you forget or forgive? There’s a whole other life waiting to be lived when one day you’re brave enough to talk with conviction of the heart.
And down your streets I’ve walked alone as if my feet were not my own. Such is the path I chose … doors I have opened and closed. I’m tired of living this life … fooling myself … believing we’re right. Have you ever given love with any conviction of your heart?
How long must we all wait to change this world bound in chains that we live in? To know what it is to forgive and be forgiven?
Too many years of taking now. Isn’t it time to stop somehow? Air that’s too angry to breathe … water our children can’t drink. You’ve heard it hundreds of times … you say you’re aware … believe that you care … but do you care enough? Where’s your conviction of the heart?

One with the Earth … with the sky … one with everything in life. I believe we’ll survive, if we only try.

APRIL 20, 2025: “It. Is. Finished.” …

The Diary Of My Perfection

Indeed, it was finished, courtesy of three nails, three strikes, a crown of thorns, and a love story like no other that has ever been written. Happy Easter everyone.

Screenshot

APRIL 19, 2025: “SIZZLING In My Holy Water!” …

The Diary Of My Perfection

Many, many men have been just as troubled morally and spiritually as you are right now. Happily, some of them kept records of their troubles. You’ll learn from them – IF you want to. Just as someday, if you have something to offer, someone will learn something from you. It’s a beautiful reciprocal arrangement … It’s poetry.
(J.D. Salinger – “The Catcher In The Rye“)

If you’ve ever read “The Catcher in the Rye”, you may be familiar with the quote above and how it was spoken by the teacher who showed compassion to Holden by not speaking to him like a holier than thou ass wipe … the irony, however, being that said teacher was later busted staring at him, err, “inappropriately” while he was sleeping. I guess the point I’m trying to make here (especially as many of us are looking forward to chocolate bunnies and ham tomorrow) is that although I do so love “humanity” and this EPIC life I’ve lived amongst it thus far, people are basically living bags of shit (some more so than others. That includes me, as well. The worst of us, however, are the ones who are both too blind and stupid to see their innate shittyness in a mirror or worse yet, too selfish and lazy to even bother trying to learn from not just others’ mistakes, but their own, thus the aforementioned “beautifully reciprocal arrangement”.

What I love about this song by The Funeral Portrait is that as a “recovering” Catholic, I’ve always had a twisted relationship with holy water. There was a time in my life I was certain I’d literally sizzle like bacon if even a drop of holy water touched me and was absolutely terrified to go into a church. Guess what?

Those days are OVER!

I’ve made peace with and forgiven my inherent depravity – good, bad, AND “sizzly” – and walk in the POWER of the GRACE I now wield for almost every other “human” being. Meanwhile, as out loud and proud “Jesus freak“, I’m thanking GOD that tomorrow isn’t just about chocolate bunnies and ham for me. It’s about my belief that “FUCK that holy water biz”, ’cause I’m good now!

Bye everyone, it’s me, CAT! Now, go on and wash your damn self, “sinner”, and also have a REALLY nice evening! Here’s hoping the Easter bunny treats you well, no matter your race, creed, religion, or SINS! For the record, I cannot say enough how much I adore this fucking band and what an epic decision it was for them to collaborate with one of my favorite sinners of all, Ivan FUCKING Moody!

APRIL 18, 2025: “… And Here’s To ANOTHER Good Good Friday!” …

The Diary Of My Perfection
I’ve prayed incessantly for the moment I would be at peace with the thought of no longer being the number one woman in his life, and yes, “you” have always been at the forefront of my MOST important prayers:
“Please, God, PLEASE let her momma be raising someone precious for my son. No, I’m not asking for her to BE perfect. Just let her be the perfect one for HIM.”
Some years ago I found this excerpt from a prayer someone wrote to God about his own sons, and I’d been keeping it tucked safely in the “drafts” of this Diary for the day he’d finally found someone who I believe was worthy of sharing it with. It had something to do with Princess Katherine, who as you know just became The Princess Of Whales:
“And so I pray … for a princess that realizes she’s the daughter of the King of Heaven and Earth … for a Princess clothed in humility and grace (rather than the latest fashions and trends) … for a princess with hands that will get dirty for the sake of serving others and feet willing to walk the extra mile (rather than one that demands manicures and pedicures by age seven) … for a princess whose “adornment” is not merely outward (arranging the hair, wearing gold, or putting on fine apparel), but rather, let it be the hidden person of the heart, with the incorruptible beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is “very precious in the sight of God.” {1 Peter 3:3-5} … for a princess who loves unconditionally and forever, and doesn’t run out when her prince falls off his royal horse and isn’t as charming as she dreamed (because it WILL happen). Amen.”
(“How To Talk To The Girl“)

And so, with that, here’s to me realizing that no matter where in both Heaven AND Hell this journey has already or will ever take me, I’m still and always God’s most FAVORITE daughter ever and one REALLY really blessed momma. BY the way, how freaking epic is it that she “kept” that little voice message I left her? As I said to her in the screen-shotted conversation you’ll see below, although she and I will clearly not always see eye to eye on things over the years, these are the moments that I’ll most want them all to remember when the time comes for me to head on over to The Brighter Side Of Grey. Here’s hopin’ they just “leave out all the rest! Indeed, today is a GOOD “Good Friday“.

As and aside, can I just say this to any and all of you mothers-in-law out there reading this right now? If you are blessed enough to have a son who’s found a girl to spend his life with who loves him as much as you do, why not take a minute to just let her know that “you see her”? Although “Monster-In-Law” was a really cute movie, the message therein was powerful:

“A daughter is her mother’s entire heart existing outside her body. She is her strength and her dreams and a better human than she could have ever imagined. She is her light, her baby, her world.” (Unknown)
But what about a daughter-in-LAW? She is his mother’s entire HEART existing outside her body. She is his strength and his dreams and a better human than either he or his mother could have ever imagined for him. SHE is his light, HIS baby now, and HIs world (as it should be)! Now that I think of it, this same rule can apply to all you dads out there, too. I of all people know exactly what it feels like when a father or even grandfather can’t cut the cord.
(“Monster-In-Law“)

APRIL 13, 2025: “The Voices & The Caterpillar!” …

The Diary Of My Perfection

… meanwhile, no matter where I go, what I do, or who in or out of this world I’m doing it with, which (ps), is usually just me, myself, and MUAH, there’s always at least one of the following sages musing my psyche:

✨

A musician or a poet (which are often one in the same) screaming, serenading, or waxing poetically into my ears;

✨

An author inscribing their impeccable words all over the cords that pull at my heart;

✨

A Roman, Greek, or worldly philospher from centuries gone by ‘neath the lamppost in my mind whispering their wisdom of ages;

✨

An artist leaving pieces of their masterpiece, signed with love and hanging in every corridor of the sacred temple that is myself;

✨

The spirit and prayers of the long-departed kings, queens, survivors, and conquerors of my past who never let me forget who I am, whose ashes I’ve risen from, and that one day I’LL be an ancestor, too;

✨

Or some random, beautiful stranger dropping THE most precious petals over every surface that envelops me that none of you can see.

Meanwhile, while yes these “voices in my head” are, indeed, legendary (not the least of which is my own), THE Voice that greets me first and foremost every morning I’m blessed to arise again always beats my inner voice to the punch before I can commandeer it and screw things up by forgetting not to take the brevity of myself and life in general too seriously. This includes any attempts at “talking myself” into not just getting in my own way, but in the way of others via my empathetic propensity to meddle with the “natural course of things” (… and thus the real story of the caterpillar)!

And so, with that, “Bye everyone, it’s me, CAT (and my voices)”! Here’s hoping that you, too, are nourishing yourself with all the very best running commentaries and internal dialogues this magnificent collective has to offer! Please now enjoy this clip below of me and my voices in their most every day state of ridiculousness, joy, laughter, and refusal to not just be ME …

APRIL 8, 2025: “Sugary Piss Water & Trauma!” …

The Diary Of My Perfection
~ Dr. Alok Konojia ~

So, what have we learned here, kids? We’ve learned that drinking sugary piss water is NOT the optimal way to heal from and rise above our trauma! Rather, we should:

Sit in it!
Soak in it!

Bathe in it!

Submerge in it!

Succumb to it!

FEEL IT!

Then, when you’re strong enough, maybe even make friends with it like I have! All that trauma? It happened to you! IT REALLY, REALLY HAPPENED TO YOU! So, don’t just go pouring sugar on it, distracting yourself, numbing yourself, or running away from it!

Lol, cue the Darth Vader:

Sit alone in the dark with your trauma as long as you need to, let it emotionally cut your heart cords open and pull you back out into The Light! Sugary piss water my ASS! FUCK THAT! I’ll take MY sugar straight, please, with no additives or preservatives necessary! Besides, as most adults and even many children know, too much sugar can actually lead to ants, so, there’s that! Lol! Please comment and let me know if you watched this most epic “eight seconds of free therapy” video ALL the way through, and if so, if it resonated with you at all! Also? YOU GOT THIS! I promise!

APRIL 6, 2025: “Dominating At The Gates!” …

The Diary Of My Perfection

… because NOTHING in this world matters to me as much as seeing my kids’ dreams come to life! If only anyone really knew how much time, sweat, tears, heart, and soul he’s literally bled into this baby of his for the last two years, you’d understand how powerful this video is. He’s up on the Kalash Bash 2025 stage with his mentors, including Klay Owens! PRICELESS!

My white collar, “bougie Fonzie” … the self-taught engine-building machinist gunsmith ARMORIST who’s had literally every force that was supposed to be pushing him forward clipping his wings and trying to keep him on the ground is finally flying from the inside. You best believe I’m here for ALL of it!

By the way, if you’re dumb enough to think I didn’t have to step away from his table at least a dozen times over the weekend “panic chair” style so that not just he, but his fellow “brothers in arms” and customers wouldn’t catch me crying, well then you don’t know a single thing about me. My firstborn has given birth to something truly phenomenal here, and at looks as though “the KINGS” of this extremely niche, if not guarded subculture are letting him through the gates! Actually? I take that back. With all due respect to the kings who’ve come before him that are currently leading this game, I don’t think they really have a choice but to let him through the gates. HE’S BLOWING THEM WIDE OPEN! Christian, momma is SO damn proud of you! And to anyone reading this right now, who do you know that needs an “autistically perfect” precision work of art firearm? Click on the picture below and send them his way, please!

“Flying From The Inside“

MARCH 28, 2025: “What She Was Made For” …

The Diary Of My Perfection

Yes, God does know how many infinite amounts of tears I’ve cried for my mother over the years. To begin, my mother did not … and I repeat – DID NOT have a “childhood”. Rather, she had a “mother’s” responsibilities of helping raise her seven siblings while my grandmother was literally “working on the railroad all her live long days”. Alongside my great grandmother and namesake, Catherine, she became the third parent and “second adult” during that precious time in her life when most other girls her age were running around outside playing hopscotch and riding their bikes.

Keep in mind that my mother never really had the luxury of falling apart or grieving the psychological and emotional trauma from her biological father’s absence via abandonment, which even to this day she refuses to acknowledge. And besides, even if she had attempted to “deal” with all the cards that weren’t “handed”, but rather, THROWN at her, who would have even noticed anyway? In the less than 1,000 square foot shanty of a home she was raised in and made the reluctant but willing domestic goddess of, chock FULL of not just her one older and six younger siblings, but an alcoholic and mostly abusive stepfather, ailing grandmother, and mother (when she wasn’t working on the railroad) there was neither the time, energy, or space for anyone to see or catch her if she’d either dropped or attempted to lay down a single one of her burdens. Now, here I am many decades of her all but forced motherhood later having to watch her as a grown and beautiful woman who not only doesn’t know how but refuses to ask for help with anything from anything. She only knows how to keep giving until there is nothing left. So, yes, IT’S HARD TO WATCH!

Meanwhile, if any woman in the history of humanity ever deserved to be treasured, cherished, adored, pampered, and placed high atop a pedestal by her HUSBAND … it was her, my beautiful Mother. Instead, she’s spending what’s left of what were meant to be her “Golden Years” locked away in a very beautiful yet abhorrent prison like Cinderella. She was his very first prize! His first conquest! THE purest trophy of all trophies!

The “empire” he’s so disgustingly proud to brag about “building on his own” would never have seen the light of day without her as a loyal grunt by his side. My mother … the true, rightful, and selfless QUEEN of this family was his first missed opportunity to show truly kind, patient, and unconditional love into the one person on the face of this planet who has ever faithfully loved him despite himself, which PS, is saying A LOT! Instead, she’ll be spending her birthday today in the prison he built for ALL of us but that I was able to escape.

Don’t get me wrong, though. She is, indeed “treasured, cherished, adored, pampered, and placed high atop a pedestal” to the best of mine, my sister’s, and all four of her grandchildren’s ability – BUT – the love we try pouring back into her cup that she’s so selflessly always pouring into ours should have only ever been the SPRINKLES on a cake that HE should have decorated for her … NOT the entire bowl of frosting!

It is what it is, I suppose. She accepted her fate a long, long time ago, opting instead to let it make her physiologically ill at the core of her bones, joints, and nervous system, as is the plight for most autoimmune diseases (which I personally believe are somehow related to the internalized pain, anger, and suffering that are all too often masked with a beautiful smile).

So, as for now we’ll just continue to do the best we can to make sure she rides off to The Brighter Side knowing that she was seen, heard, and appreciated for everything she has given to this family, often to her own demise.

Happy birthday, “Maria Antoinetta”!

(And, yes, that’s really her name!)

MARCH 27, 2025: “Through The Ghost (Of YOU)!” …

The Diary Of My Perfection

George Orwell once said:

The most terrible loneliness is not the kind that comes from being alone, but the kind that comes from being misunderstood. It is the loneliness of standing in a crowded room, surrounded by people who do not see you, who do not hear you, who do not know the true essence of who you are. And in that loneliness, you feel as though you are fading, disappearing into the background, until you are nothing more than a ghost, a shadow of your former self.

Guess what, though? YOU … are NEVER … “alone“! Go look into a mirror right now! Do you see that stranger looking back at you? THAT person “sees” you! THAT person hears you! THAT person has your six! THAT’S your ride or die! THAT person does understand you inside and out, and THAT’s the ONLY mortal being you can count on to never let you down or abandon you as the seasons change!

THAT person is literally PRICELESS!

Much to the contrary, actually, so often in their loneliness, people really do feel as though they’re fading and disappearing into the background until they eventually reduce themselves to nothing more than the ghostly apparition of their former self because THEY abandon THEMSELVES! “The Task“, however, is for THEY to choose NOT TO!

With that, here’s me passing along yet another whack-a-doodle “song of myself” to you and your “ghost”. You know, that shadow of a person you’ve separated and hidden yourself away from for so, so very long now?

Do me a favor and read these words out loud to yourself as though a friend or loved one were speaking them. Sounds silly, right? WHO CARES? Just do it, please! HAVE this powerful conversation with yourself – NOW:

Speak of the devil, look who just walked into the room. The guilted and faded notion of someone I once knew. All the perfect moments are wrong. All the precious pieces are gone. Everything that mattered is just a city of dust covering both of us. So many silent sorrows you never hear from again, and now that you’ve lost tomorrow, is yesterday still a friend? All the bridges we built were burned. Not a single lesson was learned. Everything that mattered is just a city of dust covering both of us. Did you hide yourself away? I can’t see you anymore. Did you eclipse another day? I used to wake up to the color of your soul. Did you hide yourself away? Are you living through the ghost? Did you finally find a place above the shadows so the world will never know? The world will never know you like I do.

So? How’d it go? How did hearing those words “from you to you” make you feel? Pray GOD they made you feel some kind of way, but more so than anything, here’s hoping “you and you” can finally find a place to reconnect far above the shadows of a world that will never know you like YOU do! Pretty deep, huh? But do you understand what mommy is saying? Ghosts aren’t always so scary, by the way … especially when it’s the ghost of YOU!

Oh, and one last thing …

This epic song was released eleven years ago today via the birth of its mother, “Amaryllis“, which, too, is an entire song of myself, “The Queen Of The Night“!