I'm a Warrior. Motivator. SURVIVOR;
Welcome to my journey. I hope it inspires you to find The Light in your own Darkness and the voice to speak your truths.
… last night at the 3 Doors Down concert. She’s my little music buddy and I don’t hate it. Life is all about memories, experiences, and the time we spend with our people, and I’m making good and sure that I spend mine wisely so that one day when I’m gone my kids will have WAY more “good stories and HAPPY memories” about their time walking the Earth with me than sad ones.
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Some memories have left me broken, but the scars have very much healed. The emptiness in me is gone now, with so much more to feel. I’m not scared to look back on the days before … I’m tired, but I’ve moved. I’m not afraid to “feel” … I’m afraid to NEVER fly. No more hiding behind my walls of “maybe nevers” and forgetting that there’s something more than just “knowing better”. My mistakes do not define me now … they tell me who I’m NOT. I’ve got to live this life I was given like it’s the only you’ve got.
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My friends? “Oh, what will it take to get YOU to say that you’ll try?” And what would you say if this was the last day of your life?
… and so, with that, I’ve said it before, and I’ll scream it again from the very top of this mountain in The Queendom I reign in:
There’ll be NO one like him. Into the mystery I slide. I’m hoping he’ll keep it all uncovered! Kinda cryptic, right? Only God knows what the future holds for me. It’s either “been there, done that” reigning here alone, but not lonely, for the rest of my days on this Earth … OR … There is one last king preparing himself and his table for ME somewhere out there in this realm. Admittedly, I won’t be an easy catch. If and when he either does or doesn’t show up, he’ll be a TRUE “alpha man” to the core, who will easily win the privilege and honor of taking and RULINGwhat’s my heart and seeing me completely naked …
No, I’m not actively looking for “one last king” or any king whatsoever, but know this:
If, indeed, he’s out there somewhere preparing his table for me, he’ll find me when he’s supposed to, and yes, he’ll be nothing but a king with a stable chock FULL of horses. Don’t get me wrong, though. I’m not that girl who’s gonna be running around half naked out there anywhere other than the privacy of my own home, bedroom, or any other space I share with a potential future king.
I … am NOT … that girl! !
I am very modest, to say the least, and you’d be hard pressed to so much as find me in so much as a bathing suit in public, much less with my ass and tits, or pretty much any part of my body hanging out for all the world to see. Which is not to say that I’m judging or shaming any woman who’s is proud to put all her goodies on display. To each, HER OWN, my friends, so, if you’ve got it, want to flaunt it, and are confident enough in yourself to demand that kind of spotlight, by all means … YOU DO YOU!
For me, it’s just a personal decision based simply upon the fact that I’m Someone’s daughterand someone’s mother, and soon, God willing, I’ll be some really lucky kiddo’s “Crazy Grandma Cat“! God Himself knows that for far too many years I gave some of the most precious parts of myself away and shared myself with people who didn’t deserve to have me. So, as for now, these days I’m keeping “all of this” under wraps unless and until I decide someone is worthy and deserving to SEE me and selfishly keep it ALL for himself!
The bottom line is that if I do ever get one last chance to dance on the chess board of love, I’mma be dancing for keeps in OUR kingdom full of horses and happily ever after! “Bye everyone, it’s me … QUEEN Cat!”
The most epic part of this? Since I got back from Lions Den Live, I’ve been thinking about my biggest takeaway “nugget”. I just put it all together starting this morning with ANOTHER convo I’ve been having with my friend, Santa Clause, about the quiet but powerful strength of a Steel Magnolia … which is something I strive to be … and how sometimes it’s the people who just stand strong in the storms of life – always bending but never breaking – who are the most powerful forces of all. That was my Grandpa. That was my Grandma (MARY … not Ida, lol). THAT WAS ZACK!
Why, Cat?
Why are you doing this? What’s your reason? Who’s your audience? Will you ever actually take the stage? Guess what, people? Although the day will surely come when I’ll finally reach for a microphone and hit an actual stage with the unfiltered roar of all the truth bombs and hard-earned wisdoms I’ve gotten to earn on a road that’s been laden with broken glass, bloodied hands, and tired feet, for now?
One of the speakers I was privileged to sit before this weekend, Tu “Ronin” Lam said:
One moment can change the day. One day can change a life. One life can change the world.
Well, if this exchange between me and my son isn’t proof positive that I’m exactly where I need to be doing exactly what I was meant to do, then … well … never mind that. IT IS! You see, these weren’t just simple texts between a mother and her son. They were “a moment” … a moment for me to take the most important stage of all before the “kid” who is still very much watching me.
Keep in mind that for personal reasons, I took the test not just once, but THRICE! Why is that you ask? Well? Because three is a perfect number (duh!), three times is always a charm, and damnit, I just wanted the truest truth! While I wasn’t necessarily surprised by these scores, I was further validated in my conviction that I’m an epically weird MACHINE! After all that’s been said and done, every ounce pain I’ve endured from the cradle until my grave was not only, indeed, “purposeful”, but my truest gift. The pain has shaped me … molded me … refined and SHARPENED ME! I mean, I had a suspicion that I was unbreakable in theory, but as it turns out, I’m unbreakable both in practice and on paper!
With that, I cannot recommend enough that you invest the $10 bucks and twenty minutes to take this test, see where you land, and maybe catch a glimpse of yourself through another set of lenses. Not only might it lead to a greater understanding of yourself, what drives you, and where both your strengths and weaknesses lay, it could also help identify the types of people and even careers that might be better suited for you. Just sayin’!
Dear Me,
So, you were hijacked when you weren’t looking? Behind your back, people were talking and using words that cut you down to size. You wanted to fight back … and so many times, you did … it was building inside you, holding you up, taking you hostage, and yeah … IT WAS ALL WORTH FIGHTING FOR! Some of them tried to take your pride. Some of them tried to take your soul. Some of them tried to take all the control by looking you in the eyes and filling you with full of lies. Believe me … they’ll still always gonna try. So, when you’re feeling crazy and things fall apart, listen to your head and remember who you are … You’re the one! You’re the unbreakable heart! After all was said and done, your spirit isn’t broken … and now you know for sure that it was all worth fighting for! Look them straight in the eyes when they still try to feed you their lies, ’cause believe me, they’re always gonna try! They’ll never take your pride! They’ll never take your soul! YOU’RE THE ONE WITH THE UNBREAKABLE HEART!
Lay me down and wash this blood off my hands for me. While I cry out, don’t let me die before I go to sleep. And I can’t keep going, but I cannot start again. These walls I make, they hold me in and hold me back today. Oh, but tomorrow’s new, then I’ll walk right out and walk right over you! And if you hear me screaming, please don’t let me fall again. This road I walk is paved with the broken promises I’ve made. At least a million I’ve fallen, but NEVER will I break! My time is on its’ way … I’ll fall, but I won’t break!
Been there! Done that! Yes, I’m an unbreakable and bendable steel magnolia, but, yes, I still get tired! Who else can relate? Keep the faith, my friends, and remember to treat yourself with patience, love, and grace. Take all the time you need to rest, recuperate, and allow yourself to PLAY when the shit is hitting the wall and you’re dodging those proverbial bullets. You’re a human, not a machine! Also? Don’t forget to breathe! Oh, yes, and above all things …
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: This child literally is every D Flawless jewel in my tiara and she just can’t stop making me smile! Am I in tears again? YUP! Is Zack Williamson also beaming with pride and joy right now from his ginormous seat in the sky? YOU BETCHA … especially in that he hand a hand in all of this!
Meanwhile, while I wouldn’t really want to be anyone else but me at this point, I certainly hope I can be more like her when I grow up. Lol. As if THAT’S ever gonna happen, right? Okay, carry on now, people! Carry on!
“People always say that nothing lasts forever. Never thought the day would come when I would turn on me. But I became my savior … held it all together. I’ve become my life line so I won’t be the death of me!”
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Dear Me,
Do you remember when YOU were at war with THE terrorizer of all terrorizers? You know the one: YOU? Well? That bitch is dead now, and thanks be to GOD for that! It feels pretty good, right? As well it should be! I love you, You.
~ Me
Meanwhile, to anyone out there reading this who had to experience the fallout from or somehow became collateral damage during those dark years when I was at war with myself, my apology pales in comparison to guilt and shame I had to own, account for, then finally let go of during my reckoning. This especially means my babies. No one should ever have to live in a war zone they didn’t create.
Our ancestors gave us more than just wounds. They gave us wisdom, maps, strengths, mistakes and ashes for us to rise from. I’m not just talking about our ancestors who barely walked upright and communicated with hieroglyphs in their caves. I’m talking about our own parents, lo may some of them have really botched things up.
Not everyone who survives a battle comes out with tougher skin and an iron heart wielding a fiery sword like me. Some people emerge with tender skin, softer hearts, and just enough will to keep living. That’s okay, too! This world needs the balance of both, and if the only audience you’re ever meant to have is your babies, well, then THAT’S a pretty epic crowd.
At the end of the day, just remember that, YES, your kids are watching you. They’re watching everything! One of YOURS might be “The One”! GO ALL IN WITH THEM and change their story. Today. Start TODAY! It’s NEVER too late to pop that bubble you’ve been hiding in and lead your kids to The Promised Land. Don’t just TELL them how to get there … SHOW THEM!
Lots to unpack there. First let me tell U about a conversation I had with some friends not long ago. We were talking about how much time and effort we’ve spent in the past with people who in the end didn’t give us any ROI on that investment. And people who are in our orbit now who we should have devoted some time to develop a relationship with a long time ago and how it would be cool to have a time machine to go back so U could go back and hang with those peeps more. Strangely because U and I haven’t chit chatted in a while, U immediately came to mind. Cathy Audino is somebody I should have gotten to know better. Not because we shared common interests or goals or because we had mirrored thoughts. Here’s how I will explain it. I’m the least Hippy person U will ever meet, I don’t eat tree bark, I don’t read books about self improvement, I don’t meditate and I don’t wear sandals. But I believe in “energy”. There are things that give me energy like my favorite music or TV shows or my sports teams or going for bike rides or working with my Special Olympics team or something as dumb as the satisfaction I get when I finish mowing the lawn etc. And there are things that drain energy, like anything Tears for Fears or equivalent, TV shows like Desperate Housewives, etc. But now that I’m older it’s about people. Family is one thing for sure but then it’s my friends and the people I spend time with. Some relationships give me energy and I’ve made a conscious decision to increase those interractions as much as possible because if U don’t life will always put up an obstacle. I’ve got practice or I’ve got a project or I’ve got a whatever. So in our group I play the ass and I annoy people by demanding they give me a confirmation on such and such a date we can all meet. And 6-10 of us have gone from meeting once or twice a year to almost once a month. And now all of a sudden I don’t have to twist arms because everybody enjoys hanging out. I just saved U 20 minutes of reading with a quick edit of a long story. Ur welcome Let me wrap this up. If I had a time machine I’d go back and spend some more time getting to know Cathy Audino because I admire her courage to live unfiltered. And anybody who can do that is worth knowing better. I don’t care if I don’t agree with their perspective, see also the Patriots, I do respect the guts it takes to get in front of a camera and let fly whatever ur thinking. When I read ur stuff or watch ur vids I get energy.
Now to ur vid. I’ve never really considered that what I write down stream of conscious like could have any effect on the reader. I mean I’d like to think my stuff about the vaccine or my stuff about climate change might give somebody some info besides the bullshit they are getting shoved down their throat but that’s about it. All in all, it’s rewarding if one thing I wrote touched somebody. Pretty cool in my book. I wish I was as smart or popular as U thought I was. I was just a kid and like a duck, might have looked all upright but underneath I was paddling like a mfer. I kinda figured we all were. There were so many swans and I was just a duck. And now that I’m older, I not only like being a duck, I like hanging out with other ducks. Swans demand energy and I just don’t have any energy or fucks to give them. The hat colors did not go unnoticed. Thank U for the kind words Cat.
“Who do I have to become?” I’VE BECOME IT! “What kind of energy am I putting out there?” I’M ON FIRE! Is my authenticity shining through?” I’M VIBING AND SHINING! After all has been said and done, I’m the most epic and unique DUCK a duck could ever be and I wouldn’t wanna have anyone other feathers. Also? I will NEVER let anyone clip mine!
So, with that, Happy Fifty-FAUXTH BIRTHDAY, both to me, myself, and, as I awaken this morning to Salt Lake City “Oh, Solo ‘I’ Oh!” style! And to Craigers, one of the dearest and most supportive friends I never saw coming: Thank you. No, really … THANK YOU! Seeing myself through someone else’s lens and impeccable words was one of the most precious gifts of my journey.
I love you immensely, my birthday twin, and thank God for you daily. Dare I say that you’re the second best thing that ever happened to my son. Lol. On second thought, let’s just share the top spot!
Oh, and BY the way …
If you are the mother of a son who is a hatful, peanut butter and jelly biotch to the woman who eventually steals his heart, what in actual HELL is wrong with you? That’s gross. No, really! It’s gross!
They’re only ever ours until it’s time for them to NOT be! Actually, scratch that. They were never really “ours” in the first place. They belong to the God Who blessed us with the honor and privilege to be their vessels into this existence. OUR job is to raise them into the good, strong men men who shall LEAVE us and cling to the women we’ve been praying for since the day that they were born if we’re wise … and I was! This little girl of his … no … OURS … is proof positive, once again, that I really am God’s FAVORITE daughter whose truest prayers are always favored. Just sayin’.
That’s right, my friend, you Jean-Claude Van DAMN sure DO still color just fine! In the meantime, here’s a little apology to you for anything and everything I’ve ever done to hurt you in the past or will do in the future via an epic song that I suppose was intended for a significant other …
… but …
… since YOU, my dear, are my greatest love story of all and someone I’ve learned to love, cherish, adore, and value immensely:
I’m not a perfect person … there’s many things I wish I didn’t do. But I continue learning … I never meant to do those things to you. And so, I have to say before I go that I just want you to know … I’ve found a reason for me to change who I used to be … a reason to start over new … and the reason is YOU. I’m sorry that I hurt you … it’s something I must live with every day … and all the pain I put you through … I wish that I could take it all away and be the one who catches all your tears. That’s why I need you to hear … I’ve found a reason for me change who I used to be … a reason to start over new … and the reason is you.
… the Mona Lisa’s maternal instinct just kicked in to full auto drive! Am I mad about it? NOPE! Meanwhile, while I know for certain that she’s got plans for herselfbefore signing up for life in the hood, seeing her reduced to literal piles of tears at the sound of this little angel’s cooing all but reduced me to the same pile. It’s a mother daughter thing, I suppose, but time will surely prove that she will be one HEAVEN of a powerful momma.
The inability to receive support from others is a trauma response. Your “I don’t need anyone; I’ll just do it all myself” conditioning is a survival tactic. You needed it to shield your heart from the abuse, neglect, betrayal, and disappointment from those who could not or would not be there for you. From the parent who was absent and abandoned you, perhaps by choice. From the parent didn’t intend to abandon you but was never home because they were working three jobs to feed and house you. From the lovers who offered sexual intimacy, but never offered a safe haven to honor your heart. From friendships and family who ALWAYS took more than they ever gave. From all the situations when someone told you, “We’re in this together” or “I got you”, then, they ended up leaving you behind to pick up all the pieces when shit got real … leaving you to handle not just your part, but sometimes their part, too, in the messes that were made in your life. From all of those lies and betrayals along the way, you learned that you just really couldn’t trust people – OR – that you COULD trust people, but only up to that point when “being there for you” was convenient or not such a hassle for them.
So, you’re that person who “doesn’t need anyone”. You have fortified yourself as a living shield against the trauma, abuse, neglect, and betrayals you’ve already suffered at the hands of the ones who were supposed to love and protect you. Oh, my battle born friend, I’ve been right where you are and know too well that THIS is how you survive in the stronghold you built all alone. Still, treasures are meant to be shared, my friends, not buried and lost forever.
So, with that, and in honor of the 10th birthday of one of THE most powerful, poignant, bittersweet and EPIC Death Punches of my lifetime, let’s revisit The Fortress and dig a little deeper into being truly “battle born” …
“Hiding Behind The Fortress Walls” {Recorded Saturday, April 9, 2023}
…. when it’s going on ten years since you’ve slayed your “creature” … but for one brief 24-hour setback … yet, a five second clip of what was devouring your soul while YOU were devouring everything else for almost 19 years breaks your heart all over again for the others out there who have yet to even MEET their monster, much less find a way to slay it.
Shawn Cross is the phenomenal artist who’s somehow managed to put a face with so many of the THINGS that have preyed upon not just my life, but the lives of so many others I’ve known and loved, not the least of which was my husband, who as you may know, lost his battle with a multi-dimensional creature with way too many “faces” to count. I ordered his book, “It’s All In Your Head“, as soon as I found him over a year ago, have studied and memorized every one of its poignant renderings of all the “things”, and was especially taken by his words:
Wherever I travel, I base my enjoyment of that destination on the new foods I get to try. It’s sad to know for others, that enjoyment is personal torture. They are stuck in a vicious cycle that I’ve seen so many unable to get out of, where the joy of overindulging is paid for by purging later. Rinse and repeat.
He took the words, feelings, and reality of my once frozen tundra right out of my mouth without me having to actually purge them.
Meanwhile, if you’ve know me at all, you know I’ve got a bulimia nervosa of WORDS to either write or speak about ALL of the things that have tortured my life, and more so than that, the many artists whose lives “in the dark” have somehow managed to inspire me to find the Light that does, indeed, wait at the very bottom of the abyss if you’ll just gaze into it long enough. Often, however, I’m so overcome by the affects of their works that I’m at a loss for words … until I’m not.
Well? Today was the day for me and “the Shawn Coss” of my epic journey. Better yet, how awesome is it that it was also the day I finally got to blog out a lifetime favorite song that I knew would eventually come full circle? Of course, I’m tweaking the lyrics my way:
Faces … pictures on the wall. Do you sleep at all when you sleep? Faces … burning in your mind. Faces!I’d been trapped inside my own world, trying to get out. I didn’t know what was goin’ on or where I might have been. I’ve talked to many people and lived life through their eyes, but the voices down the hall told me no reason where or why.All of my life I’d been missing the answer. It should have been easy to tell. I saw faces … pictures on the wall. I didn’t sleep at all when I’d sleep. Faces … burning in my mind. Would they be the lies that I’d see? I’d heard the words of people that had lived deep in my mind, and I wanted to feel the passion that was locked inside. The pictures now are falling … there’s no trace at all … and the voices that were calling me no longer call. All of my life, I’d been missing the answer. It should have been easy to tell. All of my life, I’d been missing hearing the answer. Now it’s so easy to tell. No more faces burning in my mind! Faces? Hear me call, hear me call, hear me call …
{Words Adapted from Night Ranger’s “Faces”}
Hey? Dragon BITCH? Seeing you from this perspective today, as opposed to the way I’d already personified you on the pages of the book, reminded me, yet again, that I was the KILLER of YOU! I win! YOU LOSE! Now, crawl on back to your cave and stay the fuck DEAD!
If you or someone you know has ever suffered at the hands of one of these THINGS, I cannot recommend investing in Shawn’s book enough. The money you’ll spend will pale in comparison to the value of putting a face with so many of the mental illnesses that are otherwise impossible to understand or recognize. More so than that, if, like me, you’ve already slayed one of these bastards, putting a face with what you’ve managed to conquer is such an epic and validating feeling of victory.
Try as I may for the longest time to express my affection for Keanu Reeves, I have yet to find the perfect words. So, in celebration of his birthday today, I honor, celebrate, and finally give proper credence to the “Wicken” of it all in my life via this brilliant fellow Quoran, whose perfect words I’m stealing. They say everything I could have thought to say:
“I know that ones who love us will miss us.”
This is what Keanu said when Stephen Colbert asked him what happens to us when we die.He understands misery unlike anybody else in Hollywood. His dad left when he was 3. He struggled with dyslexia, attending 4 different high schools before dropping out. His best friend died of a drug overdose at 23. His girlfriend, Jennifer Syme, had a stillbirth 8 months into pregnancy. She later died in a car accident not too long after. Even with his hardships, he hasn’t let his success get to his head.He helped his sister get cured of leukemia, and since then has donated an anonymous amount of money to hospitals that treat the disease through his private charitable foundation.He’s worth over a couple hundred million dollars, but he still takes the subway.He doesn’t really have many fancy things.It is rumored that he gave up a considerable portion of his pay for the latter two Matrix films so that the stunt and design and costume teams could help make the movie as amazing as possible. Many sources claim the amount he cut from his own pay ranged just a touch above $30 million.When his flight had an emergency landing enroute to Los Angeles in Bakersfield, he not only opted to rent a large vehicle and drive the rest of the way, but he took a good number of people on the flight with him.He’s known for paying attention to detail: There is a story about him on Twitter where he bought an ice cream just to get the receipt paper so he could autograph it for a fan. He later tossed that ice cream away.He is one of the few actors who gets to know everybody working on the set of his projects. Several accounts of him genuinely asking people about their day and wellbeing.He treats everybody with the same amount of kindness. Someone on Reddit recalled a friend who was stranded on the highway outside of Los Angeles. Keanu Reeves pulled up, tried to jump the car to no success, and then drove her 50 miles out of the way to get her home. Not only that, he gave her his number to call in case she needed help with anything.When he found out one of the crew members on the set of John Wick was struggling, he gave him $20,000 as a Christmas bonus. There is another story of him giving every member of his stunt team for The Matrix a Harley Davidson.
Keanu just loves.
HE IS LOVE INCARNATE.
There is no additional component to his character. He’s stayed the same human throughout the worst and the best in his life. He’s pure … and people see that.
Quite frankly, I can think of no finer words to befit the life of “love incarnate” this living angel on Earth embodies. Meanwhile, if I could pick just four simple words to describe the legacy I’m working tirelessly to leave behind one day for not just “mine”, but anyone whose path I cross, if only for a minute, that they would emulate the words that just described Keanu:
She was love incarnate.
Happy Birthday, Dear John! I SEE YOU! May your masterpiece of love continue growing forward, outward, and upward for as long as humanity is blessed by your epic life of use to others on this Earth. You are loved, and I’m so proud to be a practicing “Wicken”.
… unless you’re my friend, George, the 37 year old KING of the land sharks and legendary resident of the American Eagle Foundation in Pigeon Forge, Tennessee. For the record, if any handsome man on the face of this planet has earned the right to run around biting peoples’ ankles, IT’S GEORGE! Lol. Sometimes I wish I could run around biting peoples’ ankles!
With that, and in honor of National Vulture Awareness Day 2023, let’s have another little “don’t be mean to vultures” chat. In case you didn’t know, vultures are one of my favorite animals, and one of the most misunderstood (a plight I know all too well).
Vultures, Cat? Eww, gross!
Don’t go there, people! We couldn’t survive without these birds with iron stomachs, lest we be consumed by the disease ridden bacteria they consume. Meanwhile, despite their relatively weak legs and feet and lack of a voice box, their “disabilities” don’t stop them from accomplishing their life’s work. Their wings and bills are mighty (they can float like feathers, yet shred dead animal steak like paper), and although they can’t sing like other birds, they manage to thrive with only primitive grunts, screeches, and hisses.
I’m so thankful for this damn bird and even more thankful that I get to live on this big blue marble with his brethren. The next time you see one cleaning up a carcass on the side of the road, PLEASE remember what you’ve learned here and think kindly of them. Besides … beauty is in the eye of the beholder, right? Well, I think George is just STUNNING!
I don’t know who needs to hear this right now, but never forget that most people really are attracted to things that are unaffordable, hard to get, or altogether unattainable. You aren’t just “you”, my friend … you’re the sum of all the pain, sorrow, beauty, joy, and infinite energy in this world that ever was or ever will be. You are “nothing, everything, and ALL OF IT!” … a one of a kind, limited edition, highly valuable commodity. There is NOT and will NEVER be another YOU!
It might be hard to hear, but let me tell you, dear. If you could see what I can see, I know you would believe that isn’t who you are. There’s more to who you are! So when it’s late … you’re wide awake … too much to take … don’t you dare forget that in the pain, you can be brave and safe. You can be brave, and safe. You truly ARE a rose in bloom!
Lol! Why do you think I’m so stingy with my hugs and won’t so much as let another human being touch me (unless, of course, I gave birth to them)? I refuse to run around giving free access to the TEMPLE that shrouds my soul to just anyone.
So, with that, don’t you dare be giving what you have to just anyone, and never give it away for free! Learn your value, THEN ADD TAX, because your time, energy, and electricity are PRICELESS!
Did you know that I’m a “Quoran” writer? Since 2020, upwards of 3M people worldwide have read my MIND-BLOWING rants, raves, and theories (2.75M of whom have been agitated by my “Life According To REAL Cat” bombs). This particular answer to an age old question is one of my top movers, shakers, and agitators. Why? BECAUSE IT’S TRUE!
“SIGNS THAT SOMEONE IS A GOOD PERSON”
While there are clearly no textbook signs as to whether someone is “good”, I believe that when an animal naturally takes to someone, it’s usually a pretty good sign.This isn’t to be confused by a person who CLAIMS to love animals, as some the most wicked “things” that walk upright amongst us are masters at cunning and deception. They’re the living tricks the devil plays on us, but THAT’S another answer for another day.So, if you really want to know what lies beneath another’s skin, bring a dog to them. I’m no an animal expert, FYI, but do know that it’s widely held that, “the animals” … they know things. They sense things. They SEE what we can’t see! They’re, like, God’s little “peopmometers” that seem to be able to take the temperature of a human soul – OR – sense the ABSENCE of a soul within a “thing” that only LOOKS like a human.By the way, if MY “Lord Walter The Williamson” doesn’t like you …. NEITHER DO I! Just sayin’!
FUR the record and in celebration of National Dog Day, I honor the reigning Lord of my life, my magnificent beast of a German Shepherd who has, unfortunately, more than proven himself to be a demon detector. I shall remain in his servitude for as long he shall live!
… because if you know my story, you know how much these “five simple words at 11:34am” from out of the clear blue sky from the last person I expected to hear from meant to me today. Oh, and Dad, if you happen to see this: Yes, I was strong today, and yes, I really do love you. Thank you so much for these most impeccable words to me on a day when I needed them the most. It’s the moments like THIS that I’ll choose to remember when it’s time for you to head to The Brighter Side Of Grey. I’m leaving out all the rest.
Everything in time … set your eyes upon the shallow surface. Hollow out your mind …how divine you – disengage yourself. Tell me. Tell me of your consolation. Tell me I am lost in the gray. Tell me that your final home is not a shot in the dark. Tell me that your hopes and dreams don’t end in the heart of a graveyard. Set aside your soul.Let tomorrow realize itself.Brace for the ending you may not see.Will you stop descending?Six shallow feet.
(“Heart Of A Graveyard”)
Year Four.
And while it’s true that his physical body left us at “just before midnight” on this day in 2019, as far as I’m concerned, he started dying the slow and painful death of “never really living” the minute he was born to the “mother THING” that left him in his own remains, then his heart seemed to have stopped beating just 224 days earlier. Nevertheless, I will never stop believing that his final Home was neither the heart of a graveyard or the very beautiful jar that rests atop my nightstand, because I know what he believed and am hopeful:
This book. It was the first thing I noticed the first time I’d ever gone to his place, just sitting on a table next to the giant Chewbacca head he’d worn to a costume party the year before. Lol! He loved that flipping thing so much that he’d made it a part of the decor. Meanwhile, I vividly remember my internal nod to Heaven: “REALLY, God? This is SOMETHING, isn’t it? HE is something, isn’t he? How little did I know that despite the less than stellar ending, the garden I planted with that king was not only the stuff of fairytales, but a season that will remain in my mind’s eye eternally.
He got lost … God didn’t lose him … and I literally thank God all the time that this was one of his favorite songs. Lol. I can literally hear him belting it out loud in the car right now as I’m writing this and smiling! Pray GOD he finally made it Home to his Shack.
Where did all the time go? Can someone tell me, PLEASE? Wasn’t it, like, just five minutes ago that we were dropping her off to her very first day of school with a silly, toothless smile on her face, a giant bow in her hair, and a backpack that was all but bigger than she was?
I’m not gonna lie, folks, it was a bittersweet moment pulling into the parking lot and stepping onto that field to watch the “sun rise” on her first day as a senior in high school without the man who was primarily responsible for making this all happen for her, and an even longer drive home and agonizing day that followed. Yes, I spent a full 24 hours, if not more, in a flood of tears.
Meanwhile, and with this, we begin the excruciatingly short 285-day long journey to the sunset of her graduation. Ugh.
Ten years ago this day, one of the sweetest and most powerful songs of my story was released: “All Of Me“, by Jon Legend.
With that, it’s only fitting that I reveal one of the most regrettable and embarrassing things I’ve ever done in my life. Oh, don’t get me wrong, “the 32 dresses” regret will always be at the very top of my list, but I spent an EXTRA regrettable and embarrassing amount of time trying to be someone I wasn’t. This is saying a lot, by the way, as I have not hidden the fact that I’ve done some really boneheaded things in the last fifty plus decades.
As I look back now, I realize that I’ve always had a spunky personality and loved making people happy … BUT … for way too many years to count, I was just a dimmed down version of “all of this”. As I look back even further, I also realize that contrary to what I’ve often said, no, I have never been truly “voiceless”. I have, however, been filtered. Meanwhile, the former “make sure everyone ELSE is happy, even if it costs you your own happiness” version of myself wasn’t – fucking – REAL! As it turned out, there was a MUCH better way of doing this “who am I supposed to be” thing all along …
I JUST NEEDEDTO BE “ALL OF ME”!
These days? If someone wants to so much as breathe the air in my atmosphere, the deal they have to sign up for is ALL OF ME – the good, the bad, the ugly, and the often excruciatingly annoying – or Jean-Claude Van DAMN nothing at all!
So, Cat, is life up there in your shiny, happy queendom ever kinda lonely?
Umm, nope! HELL, NOPE! Trust me when I tell you that the drum to which I beat that only I can play, hear, and understand is loud enough to entertain me from now until eternity, and it is, indeed, possible that I will remain happily alone, but definitely not lonely until the bittersweet and beautiful end.
One of my truest wishes is that ALL OF YOU master this priceless mental wealth hack that I personally used to free myself from my mental institutionalization. PLEASE just tell the world (and even yourself when necessary) to JUST FUCK OFF when “what’s best for them” isn’t every single piece of you. Other than Brooks Hatlen from The Shawshank Redemption, I don’t think I’ve ever known of anyone who actually wanted to stay in prison, but I’d be lying if I said that being comfortable “behind walls” wasn’t the first forty years of my life.
More so than “all of that”, yet another one of my mental wealth hacks came in the form of understanding that in order for me to allow myself the full extent of grace I needed to heal all the broken pieces of my spirit, I had to STOP compartmentalizing the most damaged parts of me and keeping them stored in a box. The truest grace I’ve ever found came from learning how to love myself WHOLE, not just in pieces, just the way God loves “all of us”! I can’t just pick and choose which parts of me to love … I HAVE TO LOVE ALL OF ME … because that’s what unconditional love is!
If you’re not surrounded by people and a YOU who can’t handle ALL OF YOU at face value, then take your REAL face – the good, the bad, and the VERY, very ugly – accept it, own it, be proud of it and in love with it, then go on and SHOW IT TO SOMEONE ELSE! Hey, look, if the ALL OF YOU you release from your very own personal Shawshank is too much for the world to handle and you find your “people pickins” are slim, just remember …
JESUS LOVES ALL YOU!
(The good, the bad, and EVEN the very ugly.)
(PS) If unlike me, you don’t sport a sailor’s mouth, you don’t literally have to say “GO FUCK YOURSELF”. Sometimes just walking away silently is even nastier than an eff bomb.
As and aside, I thought that it was only fitting that I mention that the song “All Of Me” fits so perfectly with the theme of this post. Exactly three years ago today, my Mona Lisa had her very first dance to this song. Not only has my daughter already become well accustomed to not accepting anyone who doesn’t accept ALL OF HER at face value, so, too, did that king of mine love me just like I am. I cannot tell you how many times he “1-2-3’d (I – Love – You)” my hand as he’d sing these words to me:
What would I do without your smart mouth drawin’ me in and you kickin’ me out? You’ve got my head spinnin’ – no kiddin’ – I can’t pin you down. What’s goin’ on in that beautiful mind? I’m on your magical mystery ride, and I’m so dizzy – don’t know what hit me – but I’ll be alright.
Indeed, it’s true … the man loved ALL OF ME … win, lose, or draw … and never will accept anything less than that bar he left set so high. NEITHER SHOULD ANY OF YOU!
Ever the patient stoics, neither The Sun, The Moon, or The Stars are EVER gonna turn their backs and leave us alone in the dark. They’re constant, selfless, unconditional, and faithful, regardless of who they share their Light with to no avail, which is KINDA, sorta, maybe the message I think they’re trying to send that keeps getting so lost in fucking transmission.
With that, and in honor of the lunar transformation that’s beginning tonight, let me now wax poetic about my dear friends, who I call “The Big Three”. They have transformed my life and otherwise “blip on the radar” existence into the this larger than life, anti-gravitational force of nature that has reckoned me from the inside “out there”. All my life I have cherished them all, because in my heart of hearts I know that they understand the secret language of my soul. To me, they’re but a metaphor for The Trinity that shrouds me in its ever present grace, and in keeping with their number, they are, indeed, “perfection“.
And far below, the carnivores are looking up to where I soar … above the clouds, above the storm, above The Earth I am transformed. The energy has set me free and pulled me through The Galaxy . I’ve risen up beyond the sky … I am awake, I am alive as it falls away into the great escape. Over walls and weights … this anti-gravity taking over me. I won’t come down.
If The Law Of Conservation has taught us anything, it’s that nothing ever “disappears”, it just changes it’s form and leaves it’s energy behind in some other way, form, or fashion. Meanwhile, there they are, my ride or die partners in this beautiful mistake called ME, just watching and embracing every bit of this “everything that I am” eternally. Yet, even with the unyielding amounts of cosmic goodness they provide to all of us … The Sun, The Moon, The Stars, The Cosmos, andthe God that created them all … THEY KNOW THINGS! I’m telling you, people, it’s one of the only truths that I know to be true. Whatsoever energy we’re putting into this atmosphere is pretty much in keeping with what we’re getting back. “Sow, then?” Maybe we should just keep trying to “reap” better? Amen?
Holding on with all I had inside for the sake of my life. I was pulled underwater. Crying out, I called for anyone to share this fight … but I sank farther!Waiting for the day the storm would pass and leave my life. It only made me stronger! I didn’t want to wait, but all that was on my mind was, “How much longer”?So weathered … worn and battered … I have stayed! I keep treading as I dread the waves. My hands were tied, but I still made it. Still, I’ve been shaken! Even when my mind’s exhausted, I SURVIVE! My heart is tired, but it’s not broken! No matter what the cost is, I SURVIVE!
~ We Came As Romans (Words Adapted) ~
Look, I don’t know who needs to hear this right now … BUT … if YOU are in the waves of grief thinking you’ll never swim again:
You look like me. You act like me. Actually? Nah! You act so much more BETTER than me. Actually? Nah! That’s not acting you’re doing. The truth is that you ARE so much better than me. You’re the me I wish I could have been when I was your age. So many people say that I’m the “strong one” in this family. Nah! There aren’t that many people who really know the extent of what you’ve had to survive, but sufficed to say that you’re power, grace, beauty, and strength put mine to shame.
Happy 18th birthday, Gia! You are a truly amazing young woman who as an adult today, I’m thankful to now be able to officially call my truest and dearest friend. It’s been my utmost and greatest privilege raising both you and your brother and having up close and personal seats to watch who you’re both becoming. I know for a fact that being your mom is what I was meant to do, and yes, you truly are one of the brightest diamonds in my tiara.
… meanwhile, I thought about being an emotional disaster today, until, that is, I received this most powerful reminder from oldest “truest and dearest friend” who I met at around age 11 in the sixth grade. This is what she said:
Hugs to you, Momma, on Gia’s 18th birthday! I know you’re emotional about it, but know that you have raised 2 amazing people! Y’all have been through a lot, but you survived together because you taught them (and they taught you) how to be strong. They’re never really grown, and they always need Momma. Even when it’s mostly you calling them, they’re secretly glad you do! You might be all out of babies, but now it’s your turn to rest a little and do all the things you want to before the grandbabies come!
With that, yes, it’s true! My babies will never be grown … they’ll always need their momma … and I’m not going anywhere but with them for as long as the ride allows!
… that moment it’s the morning of The Mona Lisa’s18th birthday soirée and you literally just got done asking God for another sign to let you know that the King who had to leave The Kingdom he built for his girls is, indeed, truly here in spirit for the day’s events.
… because sometimes the only thing I really have to say are the words to a song that won’t stop playing in my head. Oh, and THIS …
How lucky am I to be wandering through this beautifully twisted maze at the end of these not so lonely halls of with The One who has never let me down or “lost me”?
Can I be dreaming once again? I’m reaching … helpless I descend. You lead me deeper through this maze … I’m not afraid. Your whispers fill these empty halls. I’m searching for You as you call. I’m racing … chasing after you … I need You more. I could never be the same … something that I never could erase … I could never look away.
I’m lost in You … everywhere I run … everywhere I turn … I’m finding something new. Lost in You … something I can’t fight … I cannot escape. I could spend my life lost in You. I lost myself in you! It’s all over now!Lost in you!
On this day in 2004, Breaking Benjamin released their “We Are Not Alone” album. Although I do so love every song, my hands-down favorite that I still listen to frequently is “Follow”. With that, the first thing that comes to my mind is one of the burning questions I’ve been asked a time or two over the course of the last two or three years:
Lol! First of all, it’s not running away … it’s WALKING away. There’s a difference! Second of all, it’s working out PRETTY good! But, umm, and I only slam the door when the people, places, and things I’ve allowed in my space become toxic, parasitic, or worse yet, take advantage of me.
They’re called BOUNDARIES, people, not “grudges”! Of course we should strive to be loving, kind, patient, forgiving, and empathetic foremost and above all things, but not if that means throwing our good energy after bad.
So, follow me – or don’t – ’cause not only are my time, energy, and electricity priceless, but queens don’t mind sitting at the table alone if it means not sitting at the table with people who only offer scraps. Look, it’s one thing if all someone has to offer is scraps, but a totally different scene when someone has more to offer, but not for you.
I’m losing sight … don’t count on me. I chase The Sun … it chases me. You know my name. You know my face. You’d know my heart, if you knew my place. I’ll walk straight down as far as I can go.
Guess what? This QUEEN really IS expensive and she’ll be walking straight down without some bitches every day of the rest of her life going forward. Imma bring it ALL to those who are lucky enough to be in my halo. So, they’re gonna have to bring it ALL, too, or go find some other cheap hooker SELLOUT who enjoys eating leftovers and little scraps of bullshit, ’cause I … am NOT … the one!
When I was a child, I’d sit for hours staring into open flame. Something in it had a power … could barely tear my eyes away. When I was a child, I heard voices. Some would sing and some would scream …
… which is exactly why NOPE, not ALL the holes in my little holes in toxic trait bucket need to be spackled, plugged up, or “fixed”.
Yes, there was a demon on my shoulder this week as I expelled the poison that had been pooling in my “just about to start morphing to black” soul for a minute “Cheeseburger & Fireworks” rant. But guess what, folks?
THAT ONE GETS TO STAY!
My fluffy little beast with a spiked collar and pit viper venom will stay chained to my dark side always to remind me to be careful where I’m spending my pearls of love and kindess. There really is a power in these open flames that are often fueled by the voices from my childhood. The good news is that I’ve firmly decided that those voices will die with me, which is exactly why I’ll be keeping some of them so close to me on a leash. Meanwhile, here’s to a repeat appearance of one HELL of an ode, if not love song to my little pets!
When in Rome“, we were fortunate to visit the remains of Pompei, the once thriving city that seems to have been eternally frozen in time by Mount Vesuvius in AD 79. It was ethereal! After the tour, we visited the nearby Cellini Gallery, where I scored this bauble made from Mount Vesuvius lava. Fashioned from the Her core, not only do these beads ground me back to Mother Earth herself, but with my ancestral roots that trace back to right there in Southern Italy, even more so do they connect me to the ancient mariners who came before me:They’re the pirates who came before me and the zephyrs in my sky who forged this path and built this mountain for me to stand on as they push me into the perpetual state of punctuation and magic I’ve become as I navigate this sea of madness. In the meantime, as I continue to soar through these golden years of mine, “I’ll be wearing steel that’s bright and true and carrying the news that must get through!
… meanwhile, not four months later at my parents’ dinner table during a belated Father’s Day celebration, I discovered yet another ancient doorway to my past and “my cosmic skin kaleidoscope“. As it turns out, not only did some of “my people” survive and rise from ashes, they survived and rose from an earthquake, too.
~ Traveling Back In Time To My Ancestral Family Roots ~ (Note that I do not own the rights to this video that was made by my cousin, Steven, to whom the credit belongs.)Audino Family Home … Martirano
No, she doesn’t. I mean, does she realize that people have lives? Of course. Is she grieving not just him, but the loss of so many of their “friends” in the aftermath of his departure? YOU BETCHA! As for me? After about the first three months of “widowed, my phone stopped ringing, the texts went MIA, and my heart broke all over again in unspeakable ways. Whatever happened to that age-old adage to not forget the orphans and widows?
The widow’s life ticks out like clockwork. A thousand tears she’s cried a hundred times before. But now that he is gone, she’s ready to move on. It all just fell away – it seems like yesterday.
This “being forgotten” thing IS, indeed, one of the most painful parts of our process. Our husbands die, then so does life as we knew it … up to and including our “friends”:
Unfortunately, about two months after you’ve lost your husband your friends kind of forget about it. They dropped over a lasagna or sent flowers. They may even have taken time off work to attend the funeral. They shed genuine tears for you but soon the demands of day-to-day living set in and their life returns to normal. But, not so for you!This is when you need the most support – right when most of your friends have moved on and are thinking “she will just have to get used to her new life”. Although this is true to a point, time has to pass for grief to heal and soften. Partly, it’s because they want to believe you’re feeling better, but they also feel helpless and uncomfortable, unsure how to help someone navigate their grief. After the ‘I’m so sorry’, and ‘Here’s a casserole’, people just don’t know what to say.
To the very few people who’ve been consistent in my atmosphere since the king went and blew his damn brains out, know that I’m beyond grateful and in a river of “happy/sad/angry” tears I write this. And while I realize I’m luckier than many other widows I’ve met on this road who’ve been all but completely abandoned by “their people”, watching my “friends” on “NOT so social for everyone media” just out there living their lives without having ever once asked if I’d like to get out of this beautiful prison that is now my life has been one of my most brutal realities.
At this point, I don’t respond to the “friends” who couldn’t find time to bother with me, yet did have the time to hit me up for their kiddo’s fundraisers, new businesses, discounted listings, and multitude of other “favors”:
Umm, no, I won’t be ordering your miracle skin care system for the super low price of $59.99 or signing up for your latest MLM, ’cause wouldja, COULDJA have thunk to invite me to your Jean Claude Van DAMN fucking barbecue, or didja think I’d have more fun all alone here in my castle watching Netflix with my dog and a buncha birds? And aren’t you that “friend” who used another agent to sell your house when you knew full WELL that …? Oh, FUCK it! Never mind! Nope, I’m NOT buying what you’re selling, and you can shove all those fireworks right the fuck up your … YOU KNOW! But, hey, have a really nice day!
Do YOU you know a widow?
Chances are that you do. So, in honor of this “International Widow’s Day“, do me a favor and just send her a text to let her know you’re thinking of her. It’ll cost you a few seconds, but be priceless to her. Invite her to coffee. Invite her to a movie. Hell, she probably won’t even go, no matter how much you insist, if she’s become a shut in like me, but it will mean the world to her to so much as be asked.
For the record, I’m sorry that I’m not sorry for this cringey rant. These “unspeakable ways” a widow’s heart often gets re-broken needed to be SPOKEN for once and all. These are the things the widow really wants “her people” to know but doesn’t say, ’cause being abandoned in her grief has kinda left her speechless.
Hi everyone! It’s me, The REAL widowed, angry, and maybe a little PSYCHO Cat Williamson … not the sugary sweet, FAKE, and BLIND one! I’m ONLY here to keep it REAL (and maybe a little awkward), and remind all “my people” that I sho ‘nough DID see all you mofos leavin’ me out of your little barbecues! I cannot stress enough to NOT be passin’ by me if you’re on fire, ’cause going forward, THIS biotch is savin’ all her pisses for those who have NOT pissed on her 1,420 days of widowhood. Also? “The First National Bank Of Holy F**K, Cat Hit The ZACKpot!” is officially CLOSED, so don’t be asking me to donate to all your kids’ races for them cures. I’d rather go SOLO to cheeseburgers dates with MYSELF sharing all the love and giving what I have away to Jean-Claude Van Damn effing STRANGERS than be the doormat people only wipe their feet on when they need something!
And now a word from our sponsor, ’cause if any song deserves a repeat performance in this dumpster fire Diary of mine that, (ps), most of “my people”, up to and including my own fucking family couldn’t so much as been bothered to support and subscribe to after the countless times I’ve asked, IT’S THIS ONE:
The sobering fact is that regardless of whether we ever truly know the truth behind another’s intentions, when words such as those leave another person’s lips, it’s always a cry for help.
Should’ve stayed? Were there signs I ignored? Can I help you not to hurt anymore?
While I desperately hope that his family took the information she relayed dead seriously, “emotional manipulation” or otherwise, I’m thankful she found “the serenity to accept the things she couldn’t change, the courage to change the things she could, and the wisdom to know the difference”.
If you are the parent, grandparent, teacher, or young adult caretaker of any kind, I cannot encourage you enough to take the time to educate and prepare yourself for “times like these“, and even more so, when appropriate, educate the kids in your halo about the warning signs of both suicidalityand “manipulation“. Unfortunately, the black hole of mental illness is growing deeper and darker daily. The chances are high that a child may be faced with a situation like this at least once before they’ve reach adulthood and even remotely equipped to handle it alone. Just start that conversation like this:
Human beings can’t be each other’s duct tape, sweet child. So, let’s talk about what do should the day ever come that someone asks you to be theirs.
“Truth or consequence … say it aloud. Use that evidence … race it around. There goes my hero … watch her as she goes! There goes my hero … she’s ordinary. Kudos, my hero! Leavin’ all the mess! You know, my hero? The one that’s on!”
{Foo Fighters}
🎶
Hmm? It’s as though they wrote that song so I could sing to MYSELF every day. Oh, wait! THEY DID .. and I do … ’cause it’s allowed!
Hey, look, sometimes a beast really does have to do what the REAL beasts do! Does it get kinda messy sometimes? YUP! Am I the nicest, kindest, sweetest, FUNNIEST, sometimes most ANNOYING bitch on the face of the planet with an unfiltered and REAL truth bomb mouth that ain’t winning too many popularity contests right now? Umm, YUP! Do I doubt myself even a little? Fuck NO! Been there. Done that. That weak bitch is dead and this one won’t allow her resurrection.
Kick ass, don’t worry about the names, remember that boundaries are EVERYTHING, and that yes, they can get kinda messy! Not only are YOU worth fighting for, but if you’re a parent like me, YOU’RE KIDS ARE WATCHING EVERYTHING!
… meanwhile, here we stand at the precipice of the wide open range she’s just raring at the bit to go flyin’ out across. My little girl is making me smile again … and cry my damn eyes out … because in less than twelve months from this very night I’ll be moving her to Lubbock, Texas to take the ride of her life. I couldn’t be any prouder of her if I wanted to. By the way? I MADE HER! Me! It was me! I’m the one who created this masterpiece! Just sayin’!
I am nothing, everything, and all of it at once, and nope, I’m not that special. Meanwhile, can I just say this? I’m in love with this “Being” I cannot see, yet, I feel everywhere in every thing. Yes, I very much do still fall for Him like suns fall for skies. I know. I know. It’s sounds kinda crazy, right? Well, it doesn’t mean it isn’t true.
While “You Reign” will always be my go-to love song to The Power that’s running my “all of this”, this one is giving it a run for the money. When I sing it, I SING IT OUT LOUD! I sing it to HIM as my heart literally feels like it’s bursting out of my chest the way it did the very first time I heard it. Then I weep … because if only I could “poof” this magic thing I have to everyone I meet, oh, what a world this would be!
Dear God,
I push my feet to the edge. I look, and I face my world. This lonely scene … I take it in. It’s hard to say where all of it begins and I end. And I waited for the sky to change, but, oh, it never did, and I almost dropped my head and lost my faith. Then I saw You from a distance … You were worlds away. Oh, but You had me from the vision … I never looked away again.I walk these streets of loneliness. A tranquil sea on all horizons. This empty scene of might-have-beens … I stare at starless skies that call to me and I still wish. They said that we both were too different … that all of the shine would fade away. But I wish that I never listened, ’cause You pulled me through the grey. I still fall for You like suns do for skies. Cerulean pouring in from Your eyes. Just a hollow moon that You colorized. So powerful. I feel so small … but so alive … like watching the Earthrise.
Although I’m not from the UK, I can totally get on board with The Empath Lab’s “World Empathy Day 2023”. With that …
Dear Empath,
It’s easier to disappear than to fell the things I’m feeling here. One man left out … I feel his pain. In this crowded room I can’t concentrate. You ask the world … I can’t say no, ’cause I’d feel the sorrow fill your soul like my hearts in someone else’s chest. Take the weight of all their brokenness. I don’t wanna bear this weight, but their blood starts pumping through my veins. Don’t let me sink into their grave … just gotta be alone today. Her panic starts … I hold my breath. Still, I can’t avoid the pounding chest. I try to run … I trip instead as my spirit enters in her head. A million voices cloud my mind. A shattered heart. A shattered life. Just tryna have a peaceful night, but this this stranger’s soul is tied with mine. I don’t wanna bear this weight, but their blood starts pumping through my veins. Don’t let me sink into their grave. Just gotta be alone today. Just gotta be alone today. Feel like the weight of the world. I’m not strong enough. Don’t know where to run. Would you hold me up? Oh, I’m crumbling down. Sink into the ground. Would you lift me up?
Can U imagine being 18, 19, or 20 and getting in this metal coffin to travel across the English Channel while standing in an ankle deep mixture of cold sea water and puke knowing that when that door drops, U have to step out, and if everything goes right, U’ll be on a beach in France? And if everything doesn’t go perfectly, U’ll step out and swim to a beach lugging 80lbs of gear into a hail of bullets and mortars and the sound of 1,000 machine guns meant to send U to Ur Maker. This was not, “Oh, shit! I forgot to study for my Physics test!”, or, “I can’t find a job!”, or, “Damnit! I can’t pay my cell phone bill this month!”, or, “My girlfriend broke up with me!” or, God forbid, “They didn’t call me by my right pronouns!” … or any other tragedies that might wake up a 19 year old today. No. U’ve been handed a gun, a helmet, and some some rations, and U’ve been told good luck by some officers back in Dover who know, at best, 50% U aren’t coming home, and if things go sideways, 90% of U may bleed out on a beach a few miles away or drown just trying to get there. The bravery and the terror is never quite captured in the photos. Even the very best of them.
{Craig Chase}
Meanwhile …
It’s hard to tell these days and which way that we’re falling. I’m not sure any more what’s right or what is wrong. It hurts to feel … to think … to know I may be nothing. But then again, I’ve been wrong before. I’ve opened up my eyes just to wish that I’d stayed blind!
It’s hard to fathom just how fast we all are spinning. It’s hard to know that there’s a heaven beyond hell. It burns a hole right through my soul to think it’s ending. But then again, I’ve been right before. I’ve opened up my eyes just to find out you’re all blind!
Make a wish … say a prayer … hope that Someone is out there. Build a bridge to Babylon then burn it to the ground!
Blacken out the sky and let the arrows fly. It’s never over … not ’til it’s over. Outside looking in, when do the nightmares end? Over and over, until it’s over! The end!
{Five Finger Death Punch}
For the record, I truly am an outside the box, highly conservative yet liberal woman who believes that love should always win regardless of its race, color, creed, or orientation. I won’t stand for bashing, slurs, or hate of any kind against human beings who also live outside a black and white box with no room for grace from those who don’t adhere to the principle of “to each his own“.
As I said in the video, while “the pronoun war” is not mine to fight and way over my pay grade, anyone whose flag is different than mine is judgment free and safe in my company. Imma leave that whole ordeal up to The Pro and just pray there will be plenty of grace for me when it’s my turn to step out of that proverbial U-boat in the sky and face my Maker. Good GRIEF is my infraction list gonna take an eternity to comb through.
Lol! And to think that my Cleveland Brown lovin’ friend wasn’t trying to be profound! You see, that’s what made his words profound. In the end, the truth doesn’t require profundity. It’s self-evident. Wake up, my friends! Open up your eyes and welcome to fuckin’ Babylon!
(ps)
Here’s betting that the vast majority of adults who read this, much less today’s “woke but going NOWHERE” kids won’t understand why “you” was spelled “U” in my friend’s “Wake Up U Awoken Ones” post.
It’s World Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Day 2023, and I’m thankful for “that day that I woke up” from one of the most twisted living nightmares a human being can ever live through, survive, then RISE to tell about:
As for the devil? He never ONCE turned back see what he had done! It was such an easy choice for him to just discard me as the unwanted “baggage” he’d once referred to as my son. As for me? It was everything, because I loved him (or so I thought), trusted him, and had given him every piece of my already broken heart I could have given.
At first, he gaslight it back to my insanity, but a friend hooked my phone up to a recording device so I could at least try to bait the truth out of him in what he thought was a private conversation. Lol! The dumb fuck actually fell for it! I then took the recording to the used car dealership that Angie’s family owned and played it for her father and brother, who was one of John’s best friends. Needless to say, it didn’t end well for the small man and dear, sweet ‘lil Angie. I’d been vindicated! Believe me when I say that although this tale seems way too far fetched, the people who helped me bust “Hoovery McNarcissist” at what was almost his best mind fuck EVER are both still very much alive to tell about it.
“Hey you! I was just thumbing through my text stream and realized that my text to you this morning was green, and I’m like “did you block me” and then I went straight to your voicemail when calling, so … did you block me before or after I sent you that text?” Lol. You were just “thumbing through your text stream”, huh? Umm, NO, little man MacHoovy Hoove, you were checking your old supply! We all know that little narcissist boys just don’t like being bored or alone, and I Jean Claude Van DAMN bet that you’d REALLY “value” a conversation. What’s the matter MacHoovy? Are ya feeling unadored? Well now, ain’t that a kick in the go take a dirt nap ya purely evil mini-bastard!
At this point, these chronicles are getting kinda funny. Be it known, however, that although this Diary entry is dated February 20, 2022, because that’s when the little fucker called me yet again, I didn’t find it on my phone until a week later. Why is that you ask? Well, my friends, “Catherine Marie” (throwing up in my own mouth) has left the building, Satan is BLOCKED and DISREGARDED, and long gone are the days that I go digging through fuckin’ trashcans. Well, wait. I take that back. Rebirthing and reinventing seemingly useless things is one of my favorite things to do, but only if that garbage is worth my time and attention.
Meanwhile, guess who’s still calling who after 23 fucking years, still keeping our “special dates” on his calendar, and still thinking of ME when he sees a a drop dead gorgeous woman on social media. Although, I must admit that he was dead-on, tiny balls accurate in that correlation, ’cause, umm, for a “fifty-THREE-it’s-SO-good-to-be-ME” year old biotch, I STILL look pretty good. So, with that, “Hey, you … MacHeebie FUCKING Jeebie?
HOW DO YA LIKE ME NOW?
Narcissistic abuse is both psychological and emotional. As such, because there are no physical scars, it’s wreckage is all but impossible to prove. Meanwhile, since there are no laws against mind fucking, name calling, belittling, degrading, and isolating their victims, narcissists can literally fly under the radar unscathed, unrecognized, and unpunished for entire lifetimes. It’s imperative to note that most people diagnosed with NPD have a pattern of NOT taking responsibility for their behaviors, impulsivity, and a lack of empathy. This makes them relatively resistant to treatment or change. After all, ya can’t fix something you don’t think is broken:
Narcissistic personality disorder is a mental health condition in which people have an unreasonably high sense of their own importance. They need and seek too much attention and want people to admire them. People with this disorder may lack the ability to understand or care about the feelings of others. But behind this mask of extreme confidence, they are not sure of their self-worth and are easily upset by the slightest criticism.
The ONLY way to end narcissistic abuse is to raise awareness and educate people about what it is, the often subtle warning signs, and how to avoid these “things” that walk among us all together. Knowledge, awareness, and education are the critical armor needed to avoid being tangled in their webs. Those THAT (not “who”) are narcissistic abusers tend to seek out prey that are already in a weakened and vulnerable psychological state. Why is that you ask? Because these SPAWN are so weak in the mind and faint of any real heart, that the only prey they can run after are the ones even weaker than they are. It’s laughable to think about.
To anyone reading this who has ever been ensnared by one of these animals, BE PROUD! Actually? Now that I think of it, calling them “animals” is an abysmal discredit to the animal kingdom, since studies have shown that most animals are sentient and therefore capable of “feelings”. Narcissists are not! At any rate, please listen to this song if you or someone you know is a narc abuse survivor, then celebrate today for having awakened and risen from their chaos. Breaking free from one of those THING’S cages is not for the faint of heart and ONLY the strong survive them!
CHAOS
Each day is a war. A fight we must face. Our backs to the wall. Our hands bound and tied. Our feet in the grave. Sometimes, I feel it’s what kills me inside. Sometimes, I feel it’s what keeps me alive. So, take the world that you hate … the pain that you face … ’cause only the strong will survive! Break the cage of your life. Awaken the fire inside! Let the chaos bring you to life! The deeper we fall, the higher we soar. The scars show us all we will survive when we can’t take anymore. Sometimes, I feel it’s what keeps me alive. So, take the world that you hate … the pain that you face … ’cause only the strong will survive! Break the cage of your life. Awaken the fire inside! Let the chaos bring you to life! Drain the world ’til it’s all gone! {Like A Storm}
The Diary Of My Perfection 