… and you can’t fight the tears that ain’t coming, or the moment of truth in your lies. So, when everything feels like the movies, yeah, you bleed just to know you’re alive.
Listen, I dunno who needs to hear this right now, but pain really does demand to be felt, and dare I say that internalized pain that doesn’t hurt you anymore is actually dangerous. So, if you’re that child in a long line of family people who either refused to feel a thing and chose to avoid dealing with that gift that just kept on fucking giving, KNOW THIS:
But none of them were ever gonna heal from it unless someone finally faced and ROSE from it, and that, my fellow black sheep, was YOU validating the realities that no one wanted to talk about. You CANNOT move on from all that generationally gifted pain until you face, FEEL, and overcome the gauntlet of emotions and friction you WILL endure as go through this journey to freedom.
PAIN
You’re sick of feeling numb. You’re not the only one. I’ll take you by the hand and I’ll show you a world that you can understand. This life is filled with hurt when happiness doesn’t work. Trust me and take my hand. When the lights go out, you’ll understand. Anger and agony are better than misery. Trust me, I’ve got a plan. When the lights go up, you’ll understand. I know that you’re wounded. You know I’m always here for you. I know that you’ll thank me later Pain, without love. Pain, I can’t get enough. Pain, I like it rough, ’cause I’d rather feel pain than nothing at all. (Three Days Grace)
She walks through the city. No one recognizes her face. They don’t want her pity. No one ever mentions her name. She’s carried the broken, but their scars have no name in her heart, ’cause she walks in forgiveness. She’ll shine like a light in the dark.
She’ll always remember the days when they welcomed her here. They know if they need her. She made a promise to always be here.
When they are weak she will always be strong. Though they don’t know it, they’re never alone. No matter how many times they may leave, it’s never hopeless, ’cause she still believes.
She is love.
🎶
She’s the whisper of the leaves when you walk down the street, the smell of certain foods you remember, every flower you pick, and the fragrance of life itself. She’s the hand on your brow when you’re not feeling well and your breath in the air on a winter’s day. She’s the sound of the rain that lulls you to sleep, the colors of a rainbow, and the heartbeat of Christmas morning. She’s the place you came from, your very first home, and the map you follow with every step you take. She’s your first love, your first friend, even your first enemy, but nothing on earth can separate you. Not time, not space… not even death. She is always with you. She’s your Mother. She is Love.
Pray God, I am someone’s “She”. I was blessed, honored, and privileged to be someone’s Mother. But you see, not a Mother’s Day has passed since the first one I celebrated with Zachariah in my halo that hasn’t been met with an abundance of joy and gratitude for having been blessed enough to be their “She”, but as well a deep and aching sadness. Not everyone has a “She” propelling the wings of their flight:
As with every Mother’s Day I’ve since had to or will ever spend without him, today is so twisted and bittersweet. On one hand, I am privileged to celebrate not just the gift of my motherhood, but the gifts of my mother beautiful Mother and angel Grandmother as well, it was on this day in May 2019 when he started coming apart at the seams. For that reason, this day will always be a rollercoaster of deep joy and intense sadness for me. He had just gone up to say goodbye to Gia before heading off to work that morning. As he made it to that last step on the way back down, he just stopped there dead in his tracks and started sobbing, much like the day at the kitchen window a few months before. When I asked him what was wrong, the words he spoke were all but paralyzing:
“That whore that gave birth to me just threw me the fuck away. My own mother didn’t want me. She never did. She never will. I really AM a Zack Of Shit!“
They say the road to hell is paved with good intentions. Why did they never mention what’s real and in between?
(Five Finger Death Punch)
Well, folks, here I am MENTIONING IT! After all, this is day one of Mental Health Awareness Month 2024, so what better way to kick it off with this poignant reminder:
Take a look around!
Just look around!
Statistics say that someone you know could be suffering in agony and silence with voices in their head telling them they don’t belong here anymore. It could even be that total stranger with a big FAKE smile on their face standing right beside you somewhere as you’re out there “living the dream”.
Meanwhile, with no visible symptoms and just a head full of black, empty, darkness, indeed, it is true that one of the biggest problems that someone suffering with a mental illness faces is the people who either can’t, don’t, or won’t believe their really “sick”. Lookit, I’m not trying to scare the living HELL out of you, but then again, maybe I am.
Be mindful …
… be aware …
… BE KIND …
… and for Christ’s sake, please NEVER take your own sound mental wealth for granted. Not everyone gets out of this thing in one piece and not everyone is “living the dream”.
Oh, and FYI, the quote work above is a collaboration between me and my insanely talented Mona Lisa and her “Phoenix Collaborative Project“. That “bleeding heart man” of hers has already spoken it’s peace “In His Remains” a couple of years ago at the beginning of our “mental wealth” journey together, it, too, a hauntingly poignant message about mental illness all of it’s own.
LIVING THE DREAM
Captain America, are you off to fight the bad guys? Hey, mighty Superman, can you save us from ourselves? Hey, Mr. Universe, can you lift us up above this? ‘Cause I’m just Iron Man, I’m a ghost within a shell. Take a look around. Just look around. They say the road to Hell is paved with good intentions. Why did they never mention what’s real and in between? It seems the path we’re on was paved with blood and sorrow. No thought about tomorrow. Just part of the machine or so it seems. Yeah, so it seems. We’re all living the dream. We’re all living the dream. Hey there, Your Majesty, is there anyone above you? It must be lonely when you’re up there looking down. Hey, Lady Amnesty, there’s no one that can judge you. We’re all just broken toys beneath your crooked crown. Take a look around. Just look around. They say the road to Hell is paved with good intentions. Why did they never mention what’s real and in between? It seems the path we’re on was paved with blood and sorrow. No thought about tomorrow. Just part of the machine or so it seems. Yeah, so it seems. {Five Finger Death Punch}
Nine years ago today ago, the Dallas County Bureau Of Vital Records finally issued my husband’s Court Ordered Delayed Certificate Of Birth since his “parents” could be bothered to memorialize his birthday legally:
In case you didn’t know by now, my husband’s childhood was less than optimal. His mother all but threw him away beginning the day he was born, then walked left him for good 18 months later, because, I suppose, he wasn’t as “stellar” as his older three siblings who were good enough for her to stick around for. It was only ever him she didn’t want, and trust me when I tell you, it’s been a sobering truth reality for him to wake up to every day. Keep in mind also that almost from the onset of meeting him, and especially once we got married, I’d been asking (if not begging) for the “family” he was left with after “the thing that gave birth to him” kicked him to the curb to please find some pictures of him as a child. Even one. JUST ONE? Does anyone have even ONE picture of this man from his childhood? But I’ve digressed.
With that in mind, here are a few things for all you parents out there to think about, and even all you hands-on aunts, uncles, and primary caregivers. Remember, it’s not just those of us who have procreated who can have seriously positive and life changing impacts on the little people standing in our halo (or toxic and malignant ones).
Are you painting your self-portrait small with just a tiny “here and now” brush, or are you creating an EPIC masterpiece with MUCH broader strokes that even your grandkids’ grandkids will treasure? Are you living out loud with power, grace, passion, and purpose? Your children and THEIR children will reap EXACTLY what you sow, so, SHOW THEM everything you TELL THEM! And (ps), don’t forget to keep a journal or keepsake memorializing all the memories and highlights so you don’t leave your “here and now” as mystery or subject for debate. Leave your fingerprints on everything (but hopefully not bloody ones like the ones my husband’s “parents” left all over him and my “father” is leaving all over us.
But more so than anything …
Be honest with your kids. Talk to them. Spend time with them. Share what’s in your heart of hearts, what you stand for, and what you believe in (but don’t shove it down their throats). Let them know it’s okay, if not encouraged, to take a different path than you. Let them know that you DON’T want them to be your “mini-me”, but rather, “the first of THEM“.
In the meantime …
To My Kids:
Please know how hard I’m really trying to change the crooked trajectory of this family tree. Yes, I very much do want you to find new and different paths of your own and not be “mini-me’s”. I want you to be the first and the last of both of you and brave enough to CHOOSE happiness. More so than anything, I hope someday when the time has come, you’ll listed to this song and think of me, but know also that when I hear it now, I think of both of you. You’re not just my legacy … you’re the LIVING love letters I never want to stop reading while I’m still here with you. Remember that …
LEGACY
Won’t you walk with me ’til both of our feet bleed? Won’t you walk with me through the blindness we can see? If I set you free, will you promise me I will see you again? I will walk with you ’til both of our feet bleed. ‘Cause we are one … we run free … I am you and you are me. You sacrificed everything. I am and will always be your legacy. I will dance with you ’til the shadows slip away. I will lay my hands on you to ease your pain. I will sing to you, I will guide you for everything. Won’t you dance with me till the shadows slip away? We are one … we run free … I am you and you are me. You sacrificed everything. I am and will always be your legacy. I promise I will see you again. I will find you on the other side. {In This Moment}
Lol, the “no contact” thing with adult children today is the beautiful, powerful, collective result of an entire faction of adults who are now embracing their mental wealth and the accompanying new and improved relationship tools acquired as a result of the former generational stigmas about mental health advocacy and therapy. Long gone are the days when all them dirty little family secrets, poisons, and cyclically toxic patterns that had been gathering like moss on the proverbial pebble that started rolling downhill and passing down infections since probably the beginning of time! (Geesh! THANKS A LOT “Cave Grandpa and Grandma”!)
“We’ve got the right to choose it!There ain’t no way we’ll lose it!This is our life … this is our song!We’ll fight the powers that be .. just don’t pick our destiny’cause you don’t know us! You don’t belong! Oh, you’re so condescending! Your gall is never ending! We don’t want nothin’ … not a thing from you! Your life is trite and jaded … boring and confiscated! If that’s your best, your best won’t do! We’re not gonna take it! NO! We ain’t gonna take it! We’re not gonna take it … ANYMORE!”
Do you get what I’m saying, people? Some say oblivion is bliss, but I say FUCK all that blissful oblivion! Being brave enough to finally open up your eyes and stare into the wreckage you availed from, as well sometimes the eyes of the monsters standing over that wreckage that some of us had to call “parents” and say,
Umm, yah! FUCK THIS SHIT and FUCK YOU, TOO, “mommy” or “daddy“! I neither signed up for OR deserved ANY of these heaping piles of bullshit you forced me to literally choke on while you were ramming them down my throat with those fists full of poison, so, DUECES! I’m OUT! K, bye bye!
And so, with that, indeed it’s true that if your adult kid doesn’t want anything to do with you anymore, YES, it is your fault! Didja hear me? YOUR fault! It’s YOUR fault! It’s ALL your fucking fault! Now, stop you’re damn crying like a Jean-Claude Van Damn effing victim and either fix what you broke or swallow this truth serum and STFU about it! But hey, what do I know, right? Lol! Oh, and one last thing: HAPPY 35th BIRTH MONTH to this actual “Mad Max-men” of a song!
… and so, with that, I’ve literally nothing more to say here other than “Happy Birthday Ludwig“. Lol! If only you could have lived to enjoy and partake in this human circus NOW!
(I Do Not Own The Rights To This Video. Message Me For Credit.)
When you wish to lead an orchestra, you must be willing to turn your back on the crowd.
{Max Lucado}
Dear Younger Me,
In order to be a leader, a game-changer , and a cycle-breaker, you HAVE to be willing to ignore the popular opinions of not just society, but your friends, family, and loved ones, as well. As long as the compilation you’re making is in ultimate best interest of all, wield that baton like it’s the most precious thing you own.
It’s gonna take courage to run against the crowd, swim into the current, and sit alone atop your mountain when the truths you eventually speak seem so flawed and tragic to everyone else. In the meantime, don’t worry about what the people in the crowd are saying about your unchained melody. I mean, DUH! That’s why they’re SITTING behind you!
I know you never asked for the responsibility of leading this orchestra that has become your life, but as a rising queen, it truly is your bounded duty. I love you, Catherine Williamson! You got this!
~ The YOU You Will Become!
(ps)
This Diary entry is in honor of the late Queen Elizabeth’s birthday today.
Quite thankfully, NO, the “broken and despondent angel on her knees” in this picture is NOT who I am, yet, in so many ways, she was in the way long days gone by. Then? I started counting my blessings instead of my scars.
Meanwhile, everyone’s gotta pick and choose the battle cry “fight words” that fit them best, right? Especially in that, for the most part, we are what we “believe, say, think, and manifest” ourselves to be. And by “for the most part”, I mean to make WOEFULLY clear that despite the fact that yes, there are people in this world who REALLY take that literally, NO, it doesn’t ALWAYS quite work that way:
I believe, say, think, and manifest myself to be an orangutan driving a Bentley across the water.
💥POOF!💥
So, how’s THAT working for ya? I’m guessing that you have NOT just transformed into a primate with a really pimp ride on skis just a Jesus-ing your way across the Sea Of Galilee?
… BUT …
All in all its a good life, I got what I want … I can’t complain!
Now, those are some words you can “believe, say, think, and manifest” right this minute … no matter what, every day! See how that works? Gotta love it, and all these often EPIC amounts of bullshittery and SHAM PAIN moments living amongst sometimes not so “human-ity” here on Earth!
By the way, if you ARE gonna try and manifest yourself into an animal, maybe DON’T make it an orangutan. While they are, indeed, HIGHLY intelligent, ALWAYS smiling, incredibly majestic and important creatures, eating with your feet just CANNOT be that fun all the time. Ya know what I’m sayin’? Oh, and one LAST but certainly not LEAST thing:
… aaaand this post doesn’t really need a dissertation or explanation. She was simply stunning, and he the most handsome Prince Charming of all as he escorted her to her John Paul 2 Catholic High School Senior Prom!
There are literally no words to express my gratitude for this day. Yes, it’s been an emotional one. Not only was this the last school daze field trip I will ever have chaperoned after my full-time mom gig of raising kids through school for a total of 27 years, how blessed am I to have even been “allowed” to participate one last time by my daughter? I’ve been careful not to overstep my bounds and helicopter her all over that high school campus like some other moms have done, because this is HER high school experience, not mine, and I very much wanted her to know that I respected my “place” in all of it. So, yes, I asked her permission first.
First, we toured three different houses of faith to learn about their religions … a Muslim mosque, a Buddhist temple, and a Jewish synagogue … then ended with a picnic and eclipse viewing. She was so happy to have me there and expressed it over and over, and it NEVER hurts hearing those words, “Mom, all my friends just freaking love you”. I’ve been on the edge of blubbering mess all day.
I am filled with power, love, light, grace, and gratitude right now. I am such a lucky momma to have gotten to spend this entire day with my daughter and her friends on their senior field trip.
In the meantime, we are heading out for a Starset concert downtown that we’ve had tickets to for almost eight months, and if you know anything about our affinity for that band, to be in front of their stage on this of all days will be ethereal.
In honor of this first day of Prevention Of Cruelty To Animals Month 2024, can I just say that if, indeed, this “Indian legend” is true, how much it’s gonna SUCK for a certain someone I know who I grew up watching literally kick our family pets in the ribs across the kennels he kept them in at the WAY far corners of our family properties every time he went to feed them and they’d jump up happily to greet him because they didn’t know he was abusing them. They were just so fucking happy to see him every day after having been sequestered out there all alone, even in the ice and snow. That being said, I’m guessing there’s not gonna be a “bridge” to where he’s going … justa piping hot “slide” down!
Wait!
WHAT?
Meanwhile, the bottom line is THIS: I don’t give two FUCKS about your job title, “social status”, your house, your car, or what you have in checking and savings. How a person treat animals tells me everything I’ll ever need to know about them! PERIOD!
Once upon a time, in a land so far away, a very confused girl had a question for her Father. You see, she’d been looking in the mirror at a mind made up that her pain would last forever. He was heading for a heart that was all closed up, so He asked her: “Will you ever open up?” She said, “NEVER”! What is the secret to keeping my head in Your promises?”
Then she just kept staring at the sky wondering why the night wasn’t telling her to believe Him. “If He could only read the pages of my heart. How can I learn the secret to keeping my head in His promises?”
HE SAID:
I’ll mend your broken heart under one condition. If I let you in, you’ll never push me out. Darling, under one condition. This is my one … this is my one condition.
On this day in 2012, Shinedown released the album that gave birth to what I believe is one of their most poignant songs of all, “Amaryllis”, which I’ve diaried here once before:
I’m a divinely punctuated queen who is abundantly aware of her risen reflection in every mirror. The girl who once waged war with herself and her many wounds, now brings flowers to her scars instead! … If you DON’T have someone special in your life, take 20 minutes today to get YOURSELF some flowers! Having a healthy, loving, forgiving, and unconditional relationship with YOU is the first step to becoming living royalty. Meanwhile, this song was particularly special one for Zack and me, because when we met, we were both an “amaryllis”.
Bukowski was right. Creation truly is a solitary act. Just ask the Queen Of The Night, the exquisitely beautiful “mystery girl” who blooms alone but once a year in the dark. In order to make her coveted appearance, she must first be exposed to frigid temperatures, but not before being induced to dormancy. This process, of course, requires not just her, but those who love and care for her to be patient. But, alas … when she’s ready, she’ll unfurl her petals and stand strong and tall amid the solitude of her own weed-free and healthy soil.
Epectitus once said,
The trials you face will introduce you to your strengths.
Yes, my reign here in The Queendom has required an immense amount of time alone as I’ve been lovingly, carefully, diligently, patiently, and often thanklessly tending to the avant garden I started planting with the conception of my firstborn “bulb“. I wouldn’t have had it any other way! This self-imposed “isolation” of sorts has been preparing me. Sharpening me. EMBRACING ME! This true creation of mine has had to be a solitary act, lest I have failed to ever know who I really am and what I was truly capable of “widowed” and apart from the crowd or as someone’s “better half“. All of my most beautiful petals have unfurled in the darkness while no one ever really knew what was going on inside my “disrespectfully private”, if not reclusive world.
AMARYLLIS
In a while now I will feel better, I’ll face the weather before me. In a while now I’ll race the irony and buy back each word of my eulogy. All the uninvited tragedies. Step outside. Ask yourself now where would you be without days like this when you finally collide with the moment you can’t forget. So, do I remind you of someone you never met? A lonely silhouette? And do I remind you of somewhere you wanna be? So far out of reach. Oh, I wish you’d open up for me ’cause I wanna know you. Amaryllis. Bloom. Stay a while now. Undress your colors ’cause they’re like no others I’ve ever seen. I could get used to your company. Step inside. Ask yourself now where would you be without days like this when you finally collide with emotions you can’t resist? {Shinedown}
I wonder what it’s like to be a superhero. I wonder where I’d go if I could fly around downtown, yeah. From some other planet, I’d get this funky high on the yellow sun. Boy, I bet my friends will all be stunned.
Straight up, what did you hope to learn about here? If I was someone else, would this all fall apart? Strange, where were you when we started this gig? I wish the real world would just stop hasslin’ me.
I’ve been listenin’ to ya now for a quarter of a century and think you’re the effing bomb-diggity! Who’da thunk that the “me” from way back then would have turned you into one of my favorite self-love songs? Meanwhile …
Dear Me,
Umm, HELLO? Have you met you? You kinda really are a superhero. I mean, you kinda saved yourself, did you not? And while you may not be able to reallyfly around downtown, much less would you even want to, you’re definitely not from this planet, and you and our girl, The Sun, are always on a funky high.
As for you’re friends? Some of them are stunned, some of them are STUMPED, some of them think you’re insanity on a stick, and some of them secretly hate you. It’s all good, though!
Straight up, you already do know what you learned about here … that if you were someone else but YOU, this very real world we’ve built would fall the fuck apart, so, let’s not go back to Fakeville.
(ps)
Don’t you DARE ever forget where were you when we started this gig … two spins of a barrel from being DEAD!
In the meantime, let’s just enjoy when the “real world” tries to hassle us … ’cause the last time I checked, if what we’re doing is aggravating the ever-lovin’ HELL out of anyone, then we’re doing it JUST right! Mmmkay? Mmmkay! Straight up!
… but did you KNOW that those four letters used to actually make me cry?
Yet, here I am now!
I’m an out loud and PROUD verified FREAK of the fucking world! I wouldn’t wanna be ANYONE else, and NOW those four letters make me cry tears of JOY! “Someone” evidently thought that I was special enough to be a walking, talking contradiction, an oxymoron of the most epic proportion, and a “less than 3%-er” with no chance in HELL of ever NOT standing out from the other 97% of humanity?
Yes, I AM “one of God’s own high powered prototypes”, and I wouldn’t have me any other way. If I have to regret anything from my past (and trust me, I really don’t regret much), it’s that I spent so many years being ashamed of all my “labels” (the good, the bad, AND the ugly). These days? They’re like – my favorite tattoos of all – cryptic, elusive and invisible! YOU can’t see them, but trust me, THEY’RE THERE, and only the BEST of the BEST people this beautiful life has to offer me will ever get to!
With all that being said, and in honor of this spot-on YouTube video published three years ago this day by Akta, an INFJ sister from another country who I’ve never met, yet has described the inner workings of my intrinsically beautifully mind as though she were speaking through my own lips, WELCOME TO A DAY IN THE LIFE OF ASTATINE:
No man is more unhappy than he who never faces adversity. For he is not permitted to prove himself.
~ Seneca ~
⚔️
Adversity
Challenge
Abrasion
Grating
Rasping
Grating
Chafing
Resistance
Pressure
FRICTION
⚔️
Guess what has to happen in order for you to grow, people? FRICTION! No matter what you call all the little cluster fucks that happen in your life, they are happening to make you stronger, better fortified, and more resilient! With that, and since I was originally going to date this post for “the day” between “National Diamond Day” and “National Sword Day”, but couldn’t find find a date for either, here I am ROCKING this on “National JEWEL Day” today, instead! Lol. Didja catch that? “Rock”! Yes, that pun was intended!
Meanwhile, let’s take a minute to think about all the shit that’s gone wrong for you. Chances are you either learned, changed, fixed, developed, or maybe even LOST something that’s given you an entire new perspective, set of skills, and better yet … APPRECIATION for what you DO have as a result.
It’s we been statistically proven since the dawn of mankind that those who’ve endured extreme amounts of friction in their life are happier, more fulfilled, and at peace. I mean, HELLO? Have you MET me? I’m a 100 carat, D-Flawless diamond of epic proportion with light literally SCREAMING through every facet etched into my soul while I was CARBON being crystallized by pressure, heat, and FRICTION!
Being a piece of coal subjected to unfathomable pressure and temperatures for upwards of 3 billion years is hard, but not becoming the diamond you were intended to become, is an actual living tragedy. DO THE HARD STUFF MY FRIENDS, because sometimes the easy way out can actually cost you EVERYTHING! Hmm. Now that I think of it, maybe this is why I’ve always been FASCINATED by diamonds. They’re tactile proof that behind most every beautiful thing were unspeakable amounts of pain, pressure, and toil. As it turns out, I was a fuckin’ 5 carat, D-color, FLAWLESS and PRICELESS solitaire all along, it just took me a long HOT minute to figure it out!
Lol. Why do you think I love my diamonds so much? (HINT: It’s NOT because I’m trying to flaunt my wealth!) I have adored them since I was just a little girl with no idea of their value, literally or metaphorically, and been wearing the ever loving SHINE out of them even when I was sleeping on a pull out in a one bedroom with my Frog Prince of a husband who eventually had me dripping in them.
Oh, yah! That picture there at left? No, that’s not my diamond, but it is a picture of a ring I’d found in a magazine ad once upon a time when the king and I were waiting in a doctor’s office. It wasn’t until years later, the day after he was gone, that I found it while going through his wallet. It was taped it to the back of his Social Security card as a reference until the day would eventually came when he could have one just like it made for me and slap it on my finger. BAM! “My Big Mac!” Yes, I’m proud of it, and nope, I’ll never stop wearing it until the day Gia’s future husband comes calling for her hand and it passes to her in legacy.
Whenever I see a diamond, be it “dust sized” or the nearly flawless one he frosted me with that I’ll never stop wearing (even when I’m in public in my dumpster dive clothes and plastic crowns) I see MYSELF: Power and grace in risen “shine” built from one of the most resilient substances on this Earth: FRICTION!
PEOPLE are people, so, why should it be you and I should get along so awfully?
Forty years ago today, unbeknownst to me despite the hundreds of times I’ve since listened to it in my lifetime, the answer to this age-old query was answered in an epic song that was released worldwide.
Umm, so, perhaps the reason we people sometimes have an awful time getting along with other people is because the people they’re attempting to get along with aren’t even “PEOPLE” at all? Long story short:
And so, with that, always remember that if and when you do get into a tangle with a snake, although they can shed their skin, they can never shed their nature. Likewise, although a person can lie about what and who they really are, the patterns in their lives never lie and will always reveal their nature! Just thought I’d share!
In the beginning, God made the land. Then He made the waters and creatures … then He made man. He was born with a passion … love and hate. A restless spirit with a need for a mate. But there was something missing … something lost. So, He came up with the answer. Here’s what it cost: One part love; one part wild; one part lady; one part child. A whole lot of fire; a little bit of ice; a whole lot of something you can’t sacrifice. I give you …
“WOMAN“
Did you know that in many parts of the world, today is recognized as “International Women’s Day“? Indeed, it is the global day to celebrate the social, economic, cultural and political achievements of women. As an American woman and capitalist who is not a fan of either socialism, feminism, or Rosie The Riveter, but is a fan of the solidarity and sanctity and of “The Hood“, I choose to celebrate “woman” for a much more powerful reason than modern women’s ability to pick up a hammer, try to grow their own dicks and balls and conquer “the patriarchy” and man in general. A social media influencer that I’ve been following for a while recently said:
Listen, there is nothing in my world that I have ever experienced that is more profound than the Power, purpose, and joy of watching my wife carry our children and then give birth. As a man, I have no idea what she is feeling. As a man, I have no idea what she is going through. As a man, I have no idea what pressure, stress, pain, and process she is going through. But I do know this is GOD’s most incredible creation.
Love him or hate him (and many people do, as is the plight of many the truth sayer according to Plato), the man is a beast of epic proportion and I couldn’t agree with him more. More so than that, what a beautiful tribute to not just his own wife, but the power of “woman”!
Meanwhile, as far as I’m concerned, perhaps the best thing about the sisterhood of REAL women (or rather should I say “WOMBen”, because without a womb at birth, you ain’t one) is our innate ability to be given anything and multiply it. If you give us your time, we can give you our hearts. If you give us a house, we can give you a home. If you give us the ingredients, we can give you a meal. If you give us your sperm, we can give you a family. If you give us love, honor, loyalty, and respect, we can give you an entire lifetime of unwavering support, partnership, a crown, and a throne from which we can build a kingdom TOGETHER.
We are the most sacred vessels, alchemists, sorcerers, and forces of unrivaled nature that there ever was or ever will be, other than God Himself, which is why I believe He partnered with and empowered us with not just our wombs, but the ability to endure and then rise above unspeakable amounts of physical and emotional pain and suffering for the sake of those whom we ingratiate as the female expression and reflection of His profound and inexplicable creativity and love:
The sobering truth is that it’s the woman’s hand that was meant to rock the cradle, not destroy it! We’re the Earth, the Sun, the Moon, the stars and the entire effing COSMOS to the babies we bear. Even wild animals know this to be true and often do much better jobs of raising their offspring than some of those “things” running around this gig with wombs.Does a good, strong, emotionally wealthy and present father bear any value in raising a child? OF COURSE! Do ya think I’m effing stupid? But you see, “mother love” is the fuel that supplies this world with the most valuable energy of all. As that supply steadily dwindles, humanity is fucking FAILING!Mama” is the only one who can make a human being, so “mama” is the one who wields the most power to fucking shatter a human being irreparably. For every toxic devil of a man roaming this planet and giving “some men” a really bad wrap, chances are that you can trace his fucked up ways back to the hands of the worthless “mama” who either did or did not rock his cradle. Sorry, NOT sorry. It’s the Jean-Claude Van DAMN cold hard truth, and I don’t care what anyone has to say about it.
I guess what I’m REALLY trying to say, here, “ladies”, is perhaps some of you actual ‘lil hookers out there should think about using that “power of your pussies” to do something a little more MAGICAL than just running around fucking literally everything in sight and screwing up huMANity? Spread those legs for the good of all mankind and leave behind a “legacy”, not a “LEGS-in-the-air-DISEASE”! We are epic magic of divine design and the living reflection of HIS femininity, so, why would you want to be anything else? Dare I say that any words, deeds, or “things” THAT (not “who”) negate, make mockery, or spit upon the utmost and highest calling of “woman” are, perhaps, the greatest of all the Devil’s lies.
The late Steve Jobs, whose birthday is today, really did say it best! Why be in the Navy when you can be a pirate? Umm? HELLO? Ya think? Be a pirate! Be a Viking! Be an adventurer! Be ALONE but DON’T be lonely!
But guess what, my little swashbuckling marauders? YA GOTTA CUT THAT ANCHOR THAT’S BEEN KEEPING YOU WEIGHED DOWN, FIRST! FUCK all those norms, traditions, and idyllic ways of EXISTING! FUCK living YOUR life inside the pretty little box you have to SHRINK yourself to fit in so that YOUR life makes everyone else’s more comfortable!
Now, does that mean you should be an asshole or on an upcoming episode of Dateline NBC? Umm, NOPE! It just means you should go and be the BIG, awkward, funny, intelligent, beautiful enigma that you are! DON’T hold back! WEIRD IT OUT! Release yourself from the prison YOU keep yourself held hostage in for the sake of everyone else! And oh yah … just be HAPPY!
STRANGER IN A STRANGE LAND
Living on this lonely street … a stranger in this town. Feel it in this cold concrete whenever I’m around. On the outside looking in … it’s a mystery. When I’m out there in the wind, I know I’m feeling free! I know I’m a stranger in a strange land. Just a stranger … I’m a solitary man. All alone I stand … about … just a stranger in a strange land. Seems I’m spending half my life saying long goodbyes. On the edges of a knife, I leave it all behind. In another place and time I’ll find where I belong, but until that day arrives, I guess I’ll be moving on. {Eddie Money}
On this day back in 2008, Seether released this most powerful song about struggle, resilience, and self-empowerment in the face of hardship in the aftermath of their front man who wrote it, Shaun Morgan, losing his brother to suicide in August of 2007. For me, it’s a relatable and endearing reminder of how some people choose to rise above dismal and tragic circumstances with hope and optimism.
The ability to safeguard, rise above, and master both ourselves AND our “feelings” lies within that glorious sentient power available to us humans known as AUTONOMY. With it, we are afforded the ability to choose where we begin and others end:
No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.
THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID! Eleanor Roosevelt, that is, and I concur! Likewise can nothing harm us unless we decide to allow it to make us feel harmed. I know! I know! Sometimes that’s easier to preach than practice. I mean, HELLO? Have you HEARD some of my rants and taken note of how poorly I’ve often gambled with my own power and grace? Many are the times that some jackass won the keys to the six inches of QUEENDOM real estate between my ears, such that dear ole “Uncle Marcus”, as well my many other ancestors and late husband must SURELY have been screaming at me from that BSOG base camp in the sky:
Umm? Cat? I love ya, kid … I DO … but you DO realize, don’t you, that you COULD have just chosen NOT to be harmed, right?
Lol. It’s all good, though, ’cause through it all, I’ve ended up swallowing a heaping spoonful or two of my own stoic medicine, taken back my power, learned a ‘lil something about myself and where I need to keep focusing my soul work, then forgiven and just moved on!
I guess what I’m trying to say is that it takes an immense amount of self love, respect, and control, as well as a lifetime of sculpting and chiseling to reveal the hidden splendor that lies within our human clay. JUST KEEP CARVING! You’ll get there, my friend, and so will I. In the meantime, whenever you’re feeling lost or in doubt, just call upon The Master, Himself:
Take the light and darken everything around me. Call the clowns and listen closely … I’m lost without You. Call Your name every day when I feel so helpless. I’ve fallen down,but I’ll rise above this! Rise above this! Hate the mind … regrets are better left unspoken! For all we know, this void will grow and everything’s in vain, distressing You, though it leaves me open. Feels so right … but I’ll end this all before it gets me! Call Your name every day when I feel so helpless. I’ve fallen down, but I’ll rise above this! Rise above this! Call Your name every day when I seem so helpless. I’ve fallen down, but I’ll rise above this … rise above this doubt. I’ll mend myself before it gets me. Call Your name every day when I feel so helpless. I’ve fallen down, but I’ll rise above this! 48 ways to say that I’m feeling helpless … I’m falling down, but I’ll rise above this … rise above this doubt!
… because it’s 7:15pm here in Dallas and I just KNOW in my heart and soul that someone out there in this world really needs to hear this message. Keep the faith, kiddo! YOU GOT THIS!
So, tell me, friend. WHO’S YOUR PERSON? As for me, I can honestly say that other than mykids and my ailing German Shepherd who’s just about to cross the bridge, my “person” is ME. Just me. Guess what, though? THAT’S OKAY! I mean, don’t get me wrong, folks – I very much DO have a handful of EPIC ride or die “I got your clockers” in this life, some of whom I’ve never even met, but those women all have lives and families of their own, so, logistically speaking, I’m on my own here.
The most terrible loneliness is not the kind that comes from being alone, but from being misunderstood. It is the loneliness of standing in a crowded room, surrounded by people who do not see you, who do not hear you, who do not know the true essence of who you are.
No matter how far you travel, you can never get away from yourself.
Both these quotes make me sad for anyone who hasn’t yet learned to “see, hear, and understand” themselves such that they are never alone in a crowded room, and even sadder for those who feel the need to “get away from themselves”.
Have I ever told you that I sing love songs to myself? Like, as in I literally SING to myself … every day! It’s called “That Music Thing” and it’s one of the most valuable mental wealth hacks I’ve ever empowered myself with. One of my all time favorite “songs of myself” is one that Zack used to sing me all the time, “When The Seasons Change” by 5FDP. The powerful lyrics are the one food (for my soul) that I’m actually proudto be addicted to:
When the seasons change and we’re in for colder weather I won’t let you down when the seasons change. I won’t go down. I’ll fight through the pain. I’ll be there right by your side. I’ll never let them bring you down when the seasons change.
Da FUCK? I mean, HELLO? Hasn’t ‘lil Tay Tay either touched down or been engaged to at leasta dozen of them? And by “them”, I mean MEN whose behaviors and gaslighting she’s had to silently absorb? Meanwhile, she has no problem whatsoever not so silently absorbing that $800 per ticket from the MEN who’ve shelled out them Benji’s for their wives and daughters to take their ‘lil pink Stanley cups and Lulu Lemon “look at my ass” pants to her shit shows, right? Which is NOT to say that many a self-sufficient women hasn’t funded her own ticket to the parties, too.
But I’ve digressed …
Guess what rage provokes me, “America’s MEATheart”, especially as the mother of a SON and the late wife of a KING who earned every bit of the pedestal he sat upon every single day he walked this Earth along with quitea few damn good men I’ve been lucky enough to love, honor, respect? Well, I’ll tell ya …
“Anything men can do, WE can do better!”
Really? Well, then SUCK IT UP Rosie The Riveter, come down from your sanctimony and shove that fuckin’ hammer that destroyed “the heart of the home” as the world once knew it right up your “I AM WOMAN! HEAR ME ROAR!” ass, ’cause with that train of thought …
“Anything MEN can fuck up, WE can fuck up BETTER!”
Hey, ladies? Sometimes when you’re dealing with a “devil of a man”, the best thing to do is take a good look in the mirror. Have you ever stopped to consider that maybe YOU’RE the one manifesting that devil out of him? Ya get what ya give, know what I’m sayin’? And by the way, don’t forget where we came from: THEIR RIB!
I thank GOD for the truly good men in this world. I respect them, value them, worry for them, and PRAY FOR THEM! I cherish and HONOR men as the strong towers they were intended to be. You see, I am a woman who’s been lucky enough to have been loved by not one, but TWO of the most beautiful KINGS who ever walked this Earth (make that three if you count my son), and often thank God that I wasn’t actually BORN a man. From the moment they draw their first breath, they’re expected to bear the literal weight of the world on their shoulders, and “stay at home trophy husband” USUALLY ain’t an option for them. It’s a brutal reality that so many women take for granted.
If you are a man-hating biotch, YOU are not my people! Actually? You’re gross and the majority of what’s wrong with this world we’re ALL fucking up. So, take your “toxic masculinity” double standards of BULLSHIT back home to your family, cook some fuckin’ chicken for the man in your life if you’re lucky enough to have one, and get the HELL out of my Diary PRONTO!
Okay, I feel better now. Damn! I feel like I just had an exorcism! Now I can get ready for the Stuperbowl this afternoon, which in case you haven’t gotten the memo about yet, I only ever watch for “the pants“. Lol, I don’t even like football, and this despite the fact that my next door neighbor is one of the top ten highest paid NFL quarterbacks in history. I couldn’t give two shits less about that by the way, and (ps), my car is faster than his. Wait! WHAT? To me, he’s not a baller, though. He’s just my next door neighbor who’s a pretty decent MAN.
But I’ve digressed again …
For the record, if I see that cringeworthy hypocrite of a 34 year old woman “secret handshaking and hip bumping” another grown ass woman in the stands again, I’m telling ya I’m gonna lose it! Bye everyone, it’s me, CAT!
You know, honey, you do that, too … the crying in your chair in private thing! Did you think I didn’t know that’s what you do when you run back into our room? You let yourself fall apart so you can keep it all together for us. It’s one of my favorite things about you.’
… after all these years, I’ve finally got it right. I’ve learned to give myself full permission to just sit still and hold space for myself whenever I need to let it go. My “panic chair” is THE safest place to do it.
Actually? After I wrap up this Diary entry, imma go and pour myself a giant bowl of Lucky Charms and eat them IN MY CHAIR! Lol! Believe it or not, this silly piece of furniture is one of the most beautifully static parts of my epically messy life. I deeply love, cherish, and will always hold space for her as part of the magnificent tapestry I’m being woven from.
Hey, God? Thank You. No, really. THANK YOU! And hey, to my babies?
This lightning’s gonna strike right through those hearts of yours again, ’cause this rain ain’t gonna stop, and you’ll feel every drop as they keep on dancing on your heads. But you gotta hold on … you gotta be strong … right here with me if it all goes wrong to keep you from harm … away in my arms … steer you away from the storm! When The Sun won’t come around and your world keeps washing out, I won’t let this love fall down. I’ll carry you. So, let’s run toward waiting lights, ’cause I know there’s better skies ahead. Sands through an hourglass … your floods are gonna pass … and we’ll still be standing, hand in hand!
First of all, and just to be clear, folks … NO! I am so not a runner! Honestly? The mere thought of a marathon of any sort whatsoever makes me sadder than those homeless animal commercials and also kinda makes me want to puke in my own mouth. Lol. Meanwhile, I stumbled across this news footage on social media today and just had to share it:
Back in 2017, 18 year old Ariana Luterman was propelled into the spotlight after a split second decision she made while competing in the BMW Dallas Marathon. When race leader Chandler Self collapsed on the final straight, Ariana stopped to help her fellow competitor finish. Her selfless actions rapidly made news around the world. Now aged 21 and in the midst of studying at university, we caught up with her to hear the full rundown on how events unfolded on the day and the ‘completely insane’ media frenzy that followed.
Really? Exactly how many SENIORS in high school would do something so selfless? I immediately found her on Instagram and commented under one of her posts:
Dear Ariana:I just saw the footage of you helping the doctor whose legs gave out make it to the finish line. Well done, my beautiful friend that I don’t know. Well done. Here’s to you breaking that record, and (ps), GOD SAW THAT! I actually got tears in my eyes watching it. As a widowed mom of two who has GOTTEN to learn the very hard way about what things REALLY matter in this life and what things REALLY don’t, I am so proud of you for putting that kind of love and energy into this atmosphere. I don’t know anything about you or your own parents, but it seems to me that someone did an incredible job raising a person like you. Okay, that’s enough now. I am NOT a “runner” at all, but I’m going to be following your journey now and praying for you!
… and for the record to any of the future fruits from this EPIC family tree who are reading this virtual love letter right now, i.e., to my grandbabies, their grandbabies, and maybe even their grandbabies: THIS is how we roll and it’s “Crazy Grandma Cat” APPROVED! (By the way, even though I may or may not ever get a chance to meet a single one of you in person, please know that I love you, I’m always with you, and if you ever feel a warm breeze brush past your cheek from out of the clear blue (or grey) sky, THAT WOULD BE ME!
… that moment you click on what you thought was just a cute ‘lil social media video about Legos, only to find yourself tearing up a little, having a profound existential and spiritual intersection with both yourself, your God, and The Cosmos, then downloading said video into your virtual Diary so that one day “hopefully” your grandbabies will find it. Besides … what better day to post this here, anyway, than on “National Lego Day 2024“, right?
In the land of Gods and Monsters, I was an angel living in the garden of evil … screwed up … scared … doing anything that I needed … shining like a fiery beacon.
In a garden chock FULL of wannabe gods and real life monsters wearing human skin to mask the spawned evil demons they really are while they’re running around this bitch fucking things up for “huMANity“, I’m so glad I’ve stumbled upon so many actual beasts shining in all this darkness with fiery beacons who know when to be serious, when to scream and yell the truth, but also how to laugh at all the rest of the twisted ass bullshit floating through the atmosphere.
Although he had, indeed, already been listening to and LOVED you with Bad Wolves (Zombie was one of his favorite songs EVER), if only my husband could have survived HIS own darkness long enough to have gotten to know who you really are … well? He’d have loved the ever lovin’ shit out of you!
Thanks for the perfect comedic timing this morning, by the way! Like, as in I almost LITERALLY spit my coffee out laughing.
All that I’m after is a life full of laughter, as long as I’m laughing with you.
(Daughtry)
Well, ever since my king chose to abdicate his throne and I’ve had to learn to navigate a life full of laughter without him, the one quality I’ve found most endearing in people is their ability to find the laughter in as many moments as possible. For me, it’s what makes what can otherwise feel like hell on Earth a little more tolerable.
Much love to you, T! You’re a prince among men, my friend, and I dig the ya!
… and from that day on, not only did she know for certain that Heaven really could hear the many unspoken words and silent screams that were trapped inside both halves of their twin-flame souls infinitely, but that some cryptic tales really aren’t that cryptic after all:
Dear Moon,
I will run alone tonight without you by my side. I guess you had a place you had to get to. I knew your eyes. I knew inside the walls you hid behind. I saw the truth inside the real you. I know you were lost when you ran away to that last black hole and the black mistake. It’s taking all my will just to run alone. You’re not coming home.
Even though the sky did fall … even though she took it all … there’s no pain you’d have not gone through … even if you had to die for us.Then when all the fires were burned … and everything was overturned … there’s no thing you’d have not gone through … even if you had to die for us.
One day the Earth will open wide and I’ll follow you inside, ’cause the only hell I’ve known’s without you. Someday when galaxies collide, we’ll be lost on different skies, but I’ll send my rocket ship to find you.
Though the Sun grew cold for you along the way and the stars didn’t align to light our way … and though you fell away and crashed back down below … I’ll always search the skies for you and I’ll follow. I’ll be in your afterglow until I go back Home.
I love you and I miss you, and even though I’m not REALLY lost without you, I’m really AM lost HERE without you.
He’s tired. So, now I just keep telling him to let me know when he’s ready, assuring him that it’s okay to go, and begging him not to worry about me if that’s what’s keeping him lingering here between his worn out body and that beautiful Rainbow Bridge where I knowhis dad is waiting for him all “squatted down” with those big wide open arms and his favorite stuffed Lamby and cookies.
I’m so thankful for this life Zack left behind for us that has me in the extremely fortunate position of being able to stay hands on and fully attentive to ALL my babies’ lives. Not every widow is so lucky. Because of this, I’m able to just sit quietly and peacefully with Lord Williamson pretty much around the clock, focus on keeping him comfortable, tending to his every whim, and enjoying every second with him until it’s time. Sadly, not even every HUMAN who’s waiting to make that leap to The Brighter Side Of Grey is so lucky and they literally die all alone.
In the meantime …
Dear Walter,
You’ve made sure I always saw the daylight during this last 1,609 days since Daddy left us. It’s okay to let go, I promise. I’ll make sure I’ll always BE the daylight!
Dear God,
Grant me the serenity to accept the things that I can’t change and the wisdom to know the difference. Living one day at a time, enjoying one moment at a time … accepting hardship as a pathway to peace … taking, as Jesus did, this sinful world as it is, not as I would have it … trusting that You will make all things right if I surrender to Your will … so that I may be reasonably happy in this life and supremely happy with You forever in the next.
… what it looks like when a storm, rainbow and sunset collide in the Grand Canyon. The Grand Canyon provides a unique setting for the formation of rainbows due to its immense size and the presence of water particles in the air. When rain showers pass through the canyon, the sunlight interacts with the water droplets, resulting in the creation of stunning rainbows.
No, kiddo. This picture is a reflection of you AND Me! Remember: You are everything because you are nothing, and no one can become “EVERYTHING and ALL OF IT” unless they first become “NOTHING at all”. It’s the one great paradox in what you often only THINK is your meaningless existence, when in reality, your existence is profound and truly magnificent. (ps) I love you. You’re my favorite.
Venom made his first appearance in 1984 as a new Spider-Man suit the “Secret Wars” storyline when Spider-Man came into possession of a mysterious new black suit that gave him extra powers, which suit is later revealed to be a malevolent alien symbiote that attached itself to Peter Parker. Although Peter soon rid himself of the suit because of its inherently evil nature and propensity to channel an inner darkness inside himself that he doesn’t want to channel, the symbiote ended up bonding with Eddie Brock, a reporter with a serious grudge against Spider-Man. Eddie Brock and the black suit then became symbiotically bonded as Venom. So then, no, Venom is not Spider-Man.
Long story short? I don’t think anyone really knows how fucking CRUEL the world can be until you’ve had to grow up and protect your children from your own “family”. If you are one of us who is fighting desperately to change your family’s legacy, I’m truly sorry that you’re having a spend your adulthood fixing things you didn’t break so that your children can have a better future. “The battle that lies within you” is not for the faint of heart, and I FEEL YOU! Stay strong. Keep the faith. RISE ABOVE! Oh, and by the way, “malignant parent” that is reading this right now, always remember that how your kids treat you when they no longer need you is a direct reflection of how you treated them when they needed you to survive.
As for me? I’ve since learned that the best way to end an infectious relationship “disease” is to just let it fuckin’ STARVE! No contact! No responses! No reactions! No NOTHING! Just stop feeding the slimy thing, ’cause the energy you put into it is where its power lies. K, bye!
Enough said on this subject that no one really wants to talk about. Oh, with the exception of this bittersweet life nugget that I had to learn the very hard way at the life and death of my angel daughter, Gina Marie, exactly twenty years ago this day:
Next, there was the little one who passed go but never collected the $200 before her tiny little feet hit the board. She was both the greatest gift and greatest tragedy of my life, wrapped softly in a yellow blanket and sent straight back Home in angel’s wings. Still, even with an often daily struggle with the hole in my heart that belongs to her, I must admit that there have been days that I’ve thanked God that He took her out of here before the pain and struggle of simply “existing” became her any longer than the few short hours she spent here.
Let’s be honest all you parents out there in this bullshit club of having to outlive and bury child: Have any of you ever felt a little guilty about bringing them into “all of this” in the first place? Indeed, I have, and will continue to bear this double-edged sword of parenthood with as much “power and grace” as I can keep on mustering. Even on my best days in the hood, though, the burden of carrying the weight that an often sick and depraved “humanity” heaps upon our shoulders is all but impossible.
For the record, whether you’re a parent or not, if you never made it to see The Sound Of Freedom, I cannot urge you strongly enough to find a way to see it. I Jean-Claude Van DAMN promise that you’ll never be able to look at either an 18-wheeler rolling down the highway or a coastal shipyard loaded with “empty” cargo boxes the same again. Granted, it’s uncomfortable subject matter, disturbing nonetheless, but a MUST SEE for the sake of opening your eyes, ears, hearts, and awareness to what I believe is the most abominable travesty on this planet.
As for me and how I’m choosing to acknowledge both this “National Human Trafficking Awareness Day” and what would have been my tiniest angel’s 20th birthday had Destiny not much better plans for her, I’ll remain as steel a magnolia I can, all the while praying and crying on my knees for all those babies locked inside darkened rooms, even as I’m writing this, and begging GOD that those demons masked as “humans” will meet their final judgment day with as much hell, fire, and damnation as they wreaked on His children.
Most of you won’t recognize this man, but I’d like to take a minute to tell you about him. He’s Steve Clark, the late guitarist for one of many of our favorite bands, Def Leppard, who died on this day back in 1991 due to an unintentional overdose of Valium, Codeine, and alcohol. Although his death wasn’t ruled a suicide:
At the time of his death, Clark was on a leave of absence from Def Leppard. “We’d given him six months off,” recalled Joe Elliott, “told him to go and spend some time in the beautiful house he’d bought in Chelsea, eat some food he’d cooked himself, and take his clothes out of the suitcase and put them in the wardrobe. But instead he spent most of his time in the pub round the corner, and do things like get so drunk he’d fall down the stairs and crack his rib. So he’d be on serious medication for cracked ribs. Then he’d carry on drinking.”[14] Weeks prior to his death, Clark had registered a blood alcohol level of 0.59%.[15] On 8 January 1991, Clark was found dead on his couch by his girlfriend.[4] He was 30 years old. The postmortem revealed that the cause of death was respiratory failure caused by a lethal mixture of alcohol and prescription drugs. At the time of his death, Clark had a blood alcohol level of .30% and morphine in his system.[4] Daniel Van Alphen, Clark’s drinking companion the night before, testified that they went to a local pub and returned to Clark’s home at midnight to watch a video.
So, why am I writing about some dead rock star’s death 33 years later?
BECAUSE IT’S IMPORTANT!
While even the best of us Leppard fans will ever really understand the full context behind these powerful lyrics, I’m apt to believe that Joe and Phil weren’t just expressing their feelings of losing their beloved friend and bandmate, but more so sending out a message to anyone who’s either been on a “wide-eyed suicide drive” or battled with an addiction dragon to carefully consider the err in their often deadly ways:
… as if you’d ever go and make that same mistake.
“Blood running cold” is, indeed, what I physically feel in my bones every time I hear the lonely, somber chords at the intro, then immediately flash to what it must have been like for my husband in the front seat of his car that night … Springfield in hand … “screaming out in pain” in not just that moment, but the years, months, and hours before he pulled that trigger. Although the imagery is all but unbearable, I belive it’s a necessary evil for those who’ve either survived a Molotov cocktail of darkness, depression, or addiction, or, like me, been left to walk through the aftermath of losing someone to such a tragic truth. For me, it serves as poignant reminder to neither let the night come crawlin’ back my way again or let my halo fall when it starts to slip, because LIVING really IS the best revenge I can play to anyone who’s ever hurt me.
FUCK that … and FUCK them!
To anyone reading this who is now or has ever considered engaging in either active or passive suicidality, please know that losing you in this way will inflict unspeakable amounts of pain on those you leave behind. Live! Just LIVE, damnit! LIVE! It really isthe best revenge you can play to anyone or anything that’s ever hurt or broken you to the point of what could be your own demise, I promise. While I personally know that “trying to save yourself” isn’t always that easy, you deserve much better than anything less than blood that runs warm.
BLOOD RUNS COLD
I heard this line one time ’bout tryin’ to save the world, but have you ever tried to save yourself? A wide-eyed suicide drive remains a fake. As if you’d ever … ever go and make the same mistake. Strung out as the night comes crawlin’ … your halo of thorns is fallin’. Blood runs cold … I feel it in my bones … but you don’t know your time is up. Blood runs cold. Somebody somewhere is screamin’ out the words, but do they ever really ease the pain? I guess what I’m trying to say is whose life is it anyway, because livin’ … living is the best revenge you can play. This fall from grace … I see your face … It’s over. From you, love was kind … resolved, left scarred and blind … wasted and naked in the wings. Denying twist of fate … demanding Heaven’s gate … lying in wait above the wind. {Def Leppard}
Whoever you are, or whatever it is that you do, when you REALLY want something, it’s because that desire originated in the soul of The Universe. It’s your mission on Earth.
Now I have children of my own. They ask their mother, what will I be? Will I be handsome? Will I be rich? I tell them tenderly … Qué será, será. Whatever will be, will be. The future’s not ours to see.
Some people when they hear a groove shake their head, ’cause they just can’t approve. Well, I turn up the music ’til it’s shakin the sky! There’s nights you wanna yell for help, but you can’t fly when you’re standing still!THERE’S NOTHING WRONG WITH RAISING SOME HELL!
{Kenny Loggins w/ Steve Perry}
Are you getting my drift here, people? There is nothing, and I mean NOTHING you can do to avoid your destiny. It was written in the stars EONS before your mommy met your daddy, and the blueprints for your journey were drawn and discussed in rooms you’ll never know about by powers that are above our mortal comprehension and pay grade:
If I’ve learned anything by now, it’s that the only semblance of “order” I can count on is … OH, that’s right … there isn’t one! So, I just let all the pieces show up in their perfect timing and let them fall in place.
By the way, HAPPY BIRTHDAY, Kenny Loggins! Not only have I been rocking to your music for years, but you also share a birthday with one of my favorite “raise some hell while you’re fighting it” music alchemists of all, Ivan Moody! Gotta love it!
“Hi guys, just checking on you and hoping all is well. Also reminding you that today would be my mom’s birthday. Please say a prayer for her. I love you all.”
ME:
“Mom, I’ve been thinking about her LITERALLY all day, am wearing her black zip up jacket, am wrapped up in her blue blanket, and have the little flower basket I got from the funeral and added “MARY” in Scrabble letters to on my desk as I’m working all day.”
MOM:
“I’m glad you remembered Grandma. She was an awesome, creative and very smart woman. I called her my little “whipper snapper” or Eveready battery because nothing could keep her down. Nothing!”
Yes, you really were a little whipper snapper, which is probably where I got it, and yes, you really were an Eveready battery whom NOTHING could ever keep down! It’s probably no coincidence that as I’m going through the process of straightening my crown again by reminding myself who I am and where I came from, that YOU showed managed to show up like the whipper snapper you were to help me reset my battery. Happy Heavenly 100th, beautiful! I LOVE YOU ALWAYS FOREVER!
The Diary Of My Perfection 