THIS.

Da FUCK? I mean, HELLO? Hasn’t ‘lil Tay Tay either touched down or been engaged to at least a dozen of them? And by “them”, I mean MEN whose behaviors and gaslighting she’s had to silently absorb? Meanwhile, she has no problem whatsoever not so silently absorbing that $800 per ticket from the MEN who’ve shelled out them Benji’s for their wives and daughters to take their ‘lil pink Stanley cups and Lulu Lemon “look at my ass” pants to her shit shows, right? Which is NOT to say that many a self-sufficient women hasn’t funded her own ticket to the parties, too.

But I’ve digressed …

Guess what rage provokes me, “America’s MEATheart”, especially as the mother of a SON and the late wife of a KING who earned every bit of the pedestal he sat upon every single day he walked this Earth along with quite a few damn good men I’ve been lucky enough to love, honor, respect? Well, I’ll tell ya …

“Anything men can do, WE can do better!”

Really? Well, then SUCK IT UP Rosie The Riveter, come down from your sanctimony and shove that fuckin’ hammer that destroyed “the heart of the home” as the world once knew it right up your “I AM WOMAN! HEAR ME ROAR!” ass, ’cause with that train of thought …

“Anything MEN can fuck up, WE can fuck up BETTER!”

Hey, ladies? Sometimes when you’re dealing with a “devil of a man”, the best thing to do is take a good look in the mirror. Have you ever stopped to consider that maybe YOU’RE the one manifesting that devil out of him? Ya get what ya give, know what I’m sayin’? And by the way, don’t forget where we came from: THEIR RIB!

I thank GOD for the truly good men in this world. I respect them, value them, worry for them, and PRAY FOR THEM! I cherish and HONOR men as the strong towers they were intended to be. You see, I am a woman who’s been lucky enough to have been loved by not one, but TWO of the most beautiful KINGS who ever walked this Earth (make that three if you count my son), and often thank God that I wasn’t actually BORN a man. From the moment they draw their first breath, they’re expected to bear the literal weight of the world on their shoulders, and “stay at home trophy husband” USUALLY ain’t an option for them. It’s a brutal reality that so many women take for granted.

If you are a man-hating biotch, YOU are not my people! Actually? You’re gross and the majority of what’s wrong with this world we’re ALL fucking up. So, take your “toxic masculinity” double standards of BULLSHIT back home to your family, cook some fuckin’ chicken for the man in your life if you’re lucky enough to have one, and get the HELL out of my Diary PRONTO!

(“Mama’s Boys“)

Okay, I feel better now. Damn! I feel like I just had an exorcism! Now I can get ready for the Stuperbowl this afternoon, which in case you haven’t gotten the memo about yet, I only ever watch for “the pants“. Lol, I don’t even like football, and this despite the fact that my next door neighbor is one of the top ten highest paid NFL quarterbacks in history. I couldn’t give two shits less about that by the way, and (ps), my car is faster than his. Wait! WHAT? To me, he’s not a baller, though. He’s just my next door neighbor who’s a pretty decent MAN.

But I’ve digressed again …

For the record, if I see that cringeworthy hypocrite of a 34 year old woman “secret handshaking and hip bumping” another grown ass woman in the stands again, I’m telling ya I’m gonna lose it! Bye everyone, it’s me, CAT!

You know, honey, you do that, too … the crying in your chair in private thing! Did you think I didn’t know that’s what you do when you run back into our room? You let yourself fall apart so you can keep it all together for us. It’s one of my favorite things about you.’

{“Blindsided With Rhapsody“}

I pray in it, read in it, cry in it, panic in it, have coffee in it, and had the last meaningful half-day long conversation with Zack while I was sitting in it on the day he took his own life. I swear sometimes I actually see him sitting in it in my dreams just staring at me while I’m sleeping. Sometimes, I see Jesus in it, too.

Fade it out into The Light …

… after all these years, I’ve finally got it right. I’ve learned to give myself full permission to just sit still and hold space for myself whenever I need to let it go. My “panic chair” is THE safest place to do it.

Actually? After I wrap up this Diary entry, imma go and pour myself a giant bowl of Lucky Charms and eat them IN MY CHAIR! Lol! Believe it or not, this silly piece of furniture is one of the most beautifully static parts of my epically messy life. I deeply love, cherish, and will always hold space for her as part of the magnificent tapestry I’m being woven from.

First of all, and just to be clear, folks … NO! I am so not a runner! Honestly? The mere thought of a marathon of any sort whatsoever makes me sadder than those homeless animal commercials and also kinda makes me want to puke in my own mouth. Lol. Meanwhile, I stumbled across this news footage on social media today and just had to share it:

Back in 2017, 18 year old Ariana Luterman was propelled into the spotlight after a split second decision she made while competing in the BMW Dallas Marathon. When race leader Chandler Self collapsed on the final straight, Ariana stopped to help her fellow competitor finish. Her selfless actions rapidly made news around the world. Now aged 21 and in the midst of studying at university, we caught up with her to hear the full rundown on how events unfolded on the day and the ‘completely insane’ media frenzy that followed.

Really? Exactly how many SENIORS in high school would do something so selfless? I immediately found her on Instagram and commented under one of her posts:

Dear Ariana: I just saw the footage of you helping the doctor whose legs gave out make it to the finish line. Well done, my beautiful friend that I don’t know. Well done. Here’s to you breaking that record, and (ps), GOD SAW THAT! I actually got tears in my eyes watching it. As a widowed mom of two who has GOTTEN to learn the very hard way about what things REALLY matter in this life and what things REALLY don’t, I am so proud of you for putting that kind of love and energy into this atmosphere. I don’t know anything about you or your own parents, but it seems to me that someone did an incredible job raising a person like you. Okay, that’s enough now. I am NOT a “runner” at all, but I’m going to be following your journey now and praying for you!

With that, yes, I really am now following her journey. So should we all. Do me a favor, please, and find and follow any of her pages on social media and support her journey to break that world record. I truly believe she deserves it, because that kind of beautiful infection and “powered by grace” selflessness in a world chock full of what can often be miserable excuses for young adults is rare. Just sayin’!

… and for the record to any of the future fruits from this EPIC family tree who are reading this virtual love letter right now, i.e., to my grandbabies, their grandbabies, and maybe even their grandbabies: THIS is how we roll and it’s “Crazy Grandma Cat” APPROVED! (By the way, even though I may or may not ever get a chance to meet a single one of you in person, please know that I love you, I’m always with you, and if you ever feel a warm breeze brush past your cheek from out of the clear blue (or grey) sky, THAT WOULD BE ME!

“Lord Walter The Williamson“

💔

He’s tired. So, now I just keep telling him to let me know when he’s ready, assuring him that it’s okay to go, and begging him not to worry about me if that’s what’s keeping him lingering here between his worn out body and that beautiful Rainbow Bridge where I know his dad is waiting for him all “squatted down” with those big wide open arms and his favorite stuffed Lamby and cookies.

I’m so thankful for this life Zack left behind for us that has me in the extremely fortunate position of being able to stay hands on and fully attentive to ALL my babies’ lives. Not every widow is so lucky. Because of this, I’m able to just sit quietly and peacefully with Lord Williamson pretty much around the clock, focus on keeping him comfortable, tending to his every whim, and enjoying every second with him until it’s time. Sadly, not even every HUMAN who’s waiting to make that leap to The Brighter Side Of Grey is so lucky and they literally die all alone.

In the meantime …

Dear Walter,

You’ve made sure I always saw the daylight during this last 1,609 days since Daddy left us. It’s okay to let go, I promise. I’ll make sure I’ll always BE the daylight!

Dear God,

Grant me the serenity to accept the things that I can’t change and the wisdom to know the difference. Living one day at a time, enjoying one moment at a time … accepting hardship as a pathway to peace … taking, as Jesus did, this sinful world as it is, not as I would have it … trusting that You will make all things right if I surrender to Your will … so that I may be reasonably happy in this life and supremely happy with You forever in the next.

Amen.

“Inside History“:

… what it looks like when a storm, rainbow and sunset collide in the Grand Canyon. The Grand Canyon provides a unique setting for the formation of rainbows due to its immense size and the presence of water particles in the air. When rain showers pass through the canyon, the sunlight interacts with the water droplets, resulting in the creation of stunning rainbows.

Me:

This is a picture is a reflection of ME!

“Mufasa“:

No, kiddo. This picture is a reflection of you AND Me! Remember: You are everything because you are nothing, and no one can become “EVERYTHING and ALL OF IT” unless they first become “NOTHING at all”. It’s the one great paradox in what you often only THINK is your meaningless existence, when in reality, your existence is profound and truly magnificent. (ps) I love you. You’re my favorite.

Venom made his first appearance in 1984 as a new Spider-Man suit the “Secret Wars” storyline when Spider-Man came into possession of a mysterious new black suit that gave him extra powers, which suit is later revealed to be a malevolent alien symbiote that attached itself to Peter Parker. Although Peter soon rid himself of the suit because of its inherently evil nature and propensity to channel an inner darkness inside himself that he doesn’t want to channel, the symbiote ended up bonding with Eddie Brock, a reporter with a serious grudge against Spider-Man. Eddie Brock and the black suit then became symbiotically bonded as Venom. So then, no, Venom is not Spider-Man.

“The suit”, however, does to me represent the dark alter ego of Spider-Man. It’s a thick, black, suffocative web of enmeshed and entangled emotions that overtakes and chokes the life out of its host, much like the one I fought so desperately to get the HELL off of me for more than forty years, the one my son still wears, and the one my beautiful husband was wearing as he slipped away into the abyss. “The Greatest Battle Lies Within” and the accompanying “Venom of it all” are so much more than words and comic book movie characters to me. And my daughter feels the same way!

(“Closer To The Heart“)

Long story short? I don’t think anyone really knows how fucking CRUEL the world can be until you’ve had to grow up and protect your children from your own “family”. If you are one of us who is fighting desperately to change your family’s legacy, I’m truly sorry that you’re having a spend your adulthood fixing things you didn’t break so that your children can have a better future. “The battle that lies within you” is not for the faint of heart, and I FEEL YOU! Stay strong. Keep the faith. RISE ABOVE! Oh, and by the way, “malignant parent” that is reading this right now, always remember that how your kids treat you when they no longer need you is a direct reflection of how you treated them when they needed you to survive.

As for me? I’ve since learned that the best way to end an infectious relationship “disease” is to just let it fuckin’ STARVE! No contact! No responses! No reactions! No NOTHING! Just stop feeding the slimy thing, ’cause the energy you put into it is where its power lies. K, bye!

MOM:

“Hi guys, just checking on you and hoping all is well. Also reminding you that today would be my mom’s birthday. Please say a prayer for her. I love you all.”

ME:

“Mom, I’ve been thinking about her LITERALLY all day, am wearing her black zip up jacket, am wrapped up in her blue blanket, and have the little flower basket I got from the funeral and added “MARY” in Scrabble letters to on my desk as I’m working all day.”

MOM:

“I’m glad you remembered Grandma. She was an awesome, creative and very smart woman. I called her my little “whipper snapper” or Eveready battery because nothing could keep her down. Nothing!”

ME (To Grandma):

Yes, you really were a little whipper snapper, which is probably where I got it, and yes, you really were an Eveready battery whom NOTHING could ever keep down! It’s probably no coincidence that as I’m going through the process of straightening my crown again by reminding myself who I am and where I came from, that YOU showed managed to show up like the whipper snapper you were to help me reset my battery. Happy Heavenly 100th, beautiful! I LOVE YOU ALWAYS FOREVER!

~ Your Eveready,

Whipper Snapper,

QUEEN Of A Granddaughter!

“

Someone I loved once gave me a box full of darkness. It took me years to understand that this too, was a gift.

~ Mary Oliver ~

I am Cat, and yes, I have grieved. I’ve grieved a child. I’ve grieved a husband. I’ve grieved relationships. I’ve grieved the death of a living malignancy of a “father” who never really loved me. I’ve grieved the me I once was. I’ve grieved the me I’ll never be.

But also?

I’M ALIVE!

I cannot tell you how many times I’ve been told that I’m the darkest burning star filled within joy, love, happiness and light that some have ever met. To me, there is no greater compliment!

So, with that, I am REAL Cat! I am power, grace, and beauty rising. I am “nothing, everything, and ALL of it“. I am God’s favorite daughter. I am THE most perfect mistake. I am the Light in someone’s darkness. I’ve been the darkness in someone’s light. I am stealing The Sun from the sky. I am THE happiest woman I’ve ever met. I am the ONLY one who can fill the void between me and every loss I’ve ever suffered and I am THANKFUL for all the pain that has been my greatest gift and allows me to grieve with joy, hope, and laughter!

But most of all?

I am praying that one day YOU’LL be all of these, too, and basking in the everglow of your own Light. Merry Christmas, everyone!

… but is it really true, as Einstein said, that “a picture is worth a thousand words”? Let’s ponder that for a minute. Take, for example, this picture of my son and his girl taken one year ago this day on his 30th birthday trip to Aspen. Or rather should I say, she’s our girl, not just his, as she’s one who has somehow managed to not just steal his heart, but in many ways UN “steel” his heart once and for all. It’s one of my favorites of them thus far.

Do you see it?

Do you see what I see here? Of course not! But you see, as his mother, not only does this snapshot evoke insurmountable feelings of pride, joy, happiness, hope, and LOVE for both of their futures, likewise is it a poignant reminder of the entire lifetime of mental pictures flipping back and forth through not just my head, but his, hers, and probably even the stranger who snapped it. As with every photograph, the backstories of both of their lives that culminated to this one moment captured in time are the collective lifetimes of “nothing, everything, ALL OF IT” experiences they’ve had prior.

Always remember that not every child was equipped with the proper toolbox and blueprint for how to be in a healthy relationship. Sadly, so many people truly believe that the broken adult born of a toxic childhood should somehow just be able to magically snap their fingers and “get over it”. What they don’t realize is that the environment a child was raised in either systematically FAILS or eniquivocally EQUIPS them to cognitively, emotionally, psychologically, and often even physically grow into a normal, healthy, functioning adult with the wings they need to fly and the tools they need to not just “survive”, but THRIVE as a healthy adult in any capacity. When a young person is always in “fighting just to survive” mode, they often miss the REAL flying lessons.

I’ve been avoiding things I’m missing. Then you came into my life a brand new flower, baby. A reminder of what happiness is like on the other side. I’m saying my blind side. And if a mental picture’s all I’ve got to go on, for a while or more … you know I’ll always think of you, think of you.

(John Secada)

By the way, never forget that sometimes the person we need most to help us check our “blind side” and cultivate a season of brand new flowers is ourselves! (Wink, wink!)

So, with that, I say Einstein truly was a genius, and not just academically speaking. As is the case with the more intelligent of the human species, his knowledge of the human heart, soul, mind, and mental pictures that they take were spot on!

On this day in 1854, Alfred, Lord Tennyson wrote “The Charge of the Light Brigade” to commemorate the spirit of the British during the Crimean War, and even more so the courage of the 600 troops at the Battle of Balaklava who were ordered to charge an all but impregnable defended position though they knew they had little chance of survival.

But what does an 18th century poem by some dead guy have to do with us today and what can we learn from it? Not only is it a cautionary tale about the dangers of following the wrong leaders who in all their assumed power and wisdom are failing themselves and their people, as well is it about the impact of fighting battles we don’t understand and blindly hitching ourselves to bandwagons:

Not though the soldier knew someone had blundered. Theirs not to make reply … theirs not to reason why … theirs but to do and die.

Look, you don’t have to be a soldier on the front line of a bloody and emblazoned battlefield about to charge into his death or a football player running head first into a Sumo-sized wall of concussions waiting to happen to know that life really IS a game of inches that we should be courageous, honorable, and educated enough to play wisely:

While it’s obviously geared towards inspiring a team, in all the years I’ve listened to it, I’ve done so from the perspective of “me, myself, and I”. Meaning? This “I am my own best friend and the one person I know I can always count on” mindset of mine was clearly within me all the while, even during the lowest points of my “game”. I guess I just needed some “get REAL, Cat”, no nonsense, TOUGH LOVE and GRIT coaching from myself as I fought to climb my way out of hell and into the Light … one inch at a time. These words can apply to essentially any relationship dynamic.

(“Any Given Sunday“)

They say that “TEAM work makes the DREAM work”, and I suppose that can be true, but the last time I checked, some of our “leaders” aren’t actually leading us anywhere. Rather, they’re herding the masses of oblivious, albeit cute ‘lil sheep who simply HAVE to be able to squawk, “Woohoo! I’m on the team! I’M ON THE TEAM!”, when where they’re really going is to Napoleon The Pig’s self-serving, tyrannical Manor Farm SLAUGHTER.

While of course we often have to come together as steadfast and loyal “team players” with the strength in all our numbers for the sake of humanity’s betterment and survival, I guess what I’m trying to say is be careful when hitching your bandwagon to someone else’s star. Unlike “the 600” who had no other choice but to ride boldly into the Jaws Of Death, the last American draft call was December 7th, 1972, the authority to induct expired June 30th, 1973, and thankfully fewer than 30 countries still require whole age cohorts to complete a military service that could force them to sacrifice both their life and personal honor in pursuit of a cause they may not even believe in. Meaning? For the most part, we can, indeed, “pick our battles” now.

I guess what I’m saying that yes, you should most definitely pray for the courage to stand alone against and apart from a herd that’s running face first and fists a pumpin’ towards the edge of a cliff based on some other jackwad’s dumb ideas or mistakes. This is especially true for today’s children and childlike, non-thinking “adults” who are being indoctrinated not to question the either the rules or those who are making them. Maybe some know best, but then again, MAYBE THEY DON’T! It all depends on who they are and where they come from.

In the meantime, if you do ultimately die trying for something important, do your best to have have courage and honor in doing so. Now, THAT will be pretty damn good!

I.

Half a league,

Half a league,

Half a league onward,

All in the Valley Of Death rode the six hundred.

“Forward, the Light Brigade! Charge for the guns!” he said.

Into the Valley Of Death rode the six hundred.

II.

“Forward, the Light Brigade!”

Was there a man dismayed?

Not though the soldier knew someone had blundered.

Theirs not to make reply,

Theirs not to reason why,

Theirs but to do and die.

Into the Valley Of Death rode the six hundred.

III.

Cannon to right of them,

Cannon to left of them,

Cannon in front of them volleyed and thundered;

Stormed at with shot and shell, boldly they rode and well, into the jaws of Death, into the mouth of hell rode the six hundred.

IV.

Flashed all their sabres bare,

Flashed as they turned in air,

Sabring the gunners there,

Charging an army, while all the world wondered.

Plunged in the battery-smoke,

Right through the line they broke;

Cossack and Russian reeled from the sabre stroke shattered and sundered.

Then they rode back, but NOT the six hundred.

V.

Cannon to right of them,

Cannon to left of them,

Cannon behind them volleyed and thundered;

Stormed at with shot and shell while the horse and hero fell that had fought so well.

Came through the jaws of Death,

Back from the mouth of hell, all that was left of them,

Left of six hundred.

VI.

When can their glory fade?

O the wild charge they made!

All the world wondered.

Honour the charge they made!

Honour the Light Brigade noble six hundred!

Today, one of my dearest friends and “Death Punch sisters” gifted me the inspiration I’d been looking for to properly name and complete this Diary entry I began drafting over THREE YEARS GO to “The Bleeding”:

(HER):

The post you made yesterday about Gia and the email has been on my mind since I read it. I didn’t comment because I didn’t even know what I wanted to say. But now I do. I don’t know the situations but I think I have a good idea. The little cuntlings know they are in the presence of someone who is worlds above any level they could ever attempt to reach. In order to cover their own misgivings and incompetence they try to gild the wings of a greatness that’s unattainable to lesser beings. When they spread their ugly words, it’s to cover up the hate they carry for themselves. To try and make someone hurt a fraction of how they do inside is the goal. Sometimes I’m sure it stings, and sometimes I’m sure Gia has wanted to give up and give in but she too knows there is such a greatness in her that she will not be torn down beyond repair. I know you’re proud of her vetoing compare, and you should be. She truly is one of the brightest, yet darkest burning stars in the universe and she will never be tamed.

(ME):

I’m in tears. For real. Not to mention the fact that every time I hear that song, THE thing that comes to mind is JUST how truly dark AND bright of a star she is!

Meanwhile, once her essay is done, I already have that Diary entry locked, loaded, and IN THE HOLSTER, but I just didn’t know what I was going to call it OR which song I’d pair with it. I think you just solved that for me:

Nietzsche famously said:

I tell you: one must still have chaos in one, to give birth to a dancing star.

(Thus Spoke Zarathustra)

While I don’t necessarily adhere to all of his philosophies and certainly don’t think “God is dead”, I do align with a great deal of Nieztsche’s anti-conformist ideals. The three things he loathed most were conventional thought, organized religion, and the often false virtue of conventional morals and ethics. Like Nietzsche, I believe it’s the weaker and less intelligent among us who tend live within the confines of ass-backwards herd mentality thinking and doing because they lack the ability, strength and courage to think for, stand for, or even exist apart from a crowd as “themselves”. So, they forsake their individuality and any potential for personal growth or ascension.

Not MY daughter! She’s one of the elite, my friends, if not a superhuman force of nature, who like her mother has crossed on over to the far side of traditional social structure …

i love you my sweet momma. how lucky am i that i have such a powerful woman as my mom”

Lol! How lucky is she?

HOW LUCKY AM I?

So, with that, here’s to one of the most truly beautiful, brightest, darkest burning stars I’ve ever had the privilege of knowing. She has emerged from all this chaos anything but mediocre amidst the masses of her thoughtless sheepen peers who literally don’t know who they are or what to think unless somebody else tells them into a perpetual state of creativity, individuality, and SHINE!

… because SOMETIMES the best gifts are delivered by the skeletons of Christmas PRESENT to ride or die with you and all the rest of the ‘lil beasts you keep on a leash, or via the most beautifully random and cryptic messages. Yes, I really am the luckiest, most blessed mothers and reigning Queens on this Earth, and still God’s favorite daughter. I truly don’t deserve this beautiful life I’ve been given, but then again, I suppose I do.

Thank you, Son. I LOVE YOU!

~ “BMITWH”

(Best Momma In The Whole World)

People seek retreats for themselves in the country, by the sea, or in the mountains. You are very much in the habit of yearning for those same things. But this is entirely the trait of a base person, when you can, at any moment, find such a retreat in yourself. For nowhere can you find a more peaceful and less busy retreat than in your own soul-especially if on close inspection it is filled with ease, which I say is nothing more than being well-ordered. Treat yourself often to this retreat and be renewed.

{MARCUS AURELIUS, MEDITATIONS, 4.3.1}

Dear Me

(and any other Mom reading this):

I mean, don’t get me wrong. Knowing that “the kids” are home safely, “the significant other” is home safely, and your many other “people” all being hunkered back down safely from wherever in this world their daily travels took them is everything.

Thank you, Jesus. AMEN!

But, you see, this “get home safely” message is for YOU! Someday, you’ll be the literal axis upon which other worlds revolve. Your primary assignment in this lifetime will be domestic goddess, wife, and mom, which of course is THE top job of them all. You’ll be the very essence and living heartbeat of any structure wherein you dwell, the love of many other peoples’ lives, and the one person they’ll run to the fastest and NEED to see standing strong when they walk back through your open door:

I’m coming home. I’m coming home. Tell the world I’m coming home. Let the rain wash away all the pain of yesterday … I know my kingdom awaits and they’ve forgiven my mistakes.

Take care of YOU, because YOU are precious, too, and, yes, it’s okay to value your own life, mental wealth, and physical well-being as much as, if not MORE than “theirs”. “Their lives” wouldn’t be the same without YOU.

They say that “home is where the heart is”, and nothing could be further from the truth. So, while you’re out there getting where you’re getting to, be mindful of the many hearts that call your still beating heart their home. You’re their Sun, their Moon, and their Stars! Give thanks and praise to God when YOU walk back through your own doors, because even He knows that this “living” gig ain’t always easy.

By the way, might I just say how amazing it is that now when you hear this song, you hear it from a much different place? I’m super proud of you for that, by the way, “Younger Me”! And, oh, one last thing … I really, really love you!

~ ME

In a world full of people who truly believe that the only way to be valued is by wearing name brand things near fancy people while doing epic, exciting, and name brand things, never forget to remember that no matter where you are, who you’re with, or what you’re wearing when you arrive, it’s all those intricate and boring details about you that make YOU “nothing, everything, and ALL of it“, just like a serving of not so bougie of water in a plastic cup or a cheap glass from The Dollar 25 Tree.

And remember this, too …

It’s REALLY tough to know the value of water until it’s gone, gone, GONE! Unfortunately, there WILL be people in and out of your life who don’t even DESERVE to know who and what you REALLY at your stripped down, naked swimmer core. You know what? Fuck ’em! No, really …

FUCK ‘EM!

Let all those ‘lil one-celled surface critters go and hang with that kinda scummy stuff on top of the pond while you’re out there way down in the Marianas Trenches where all the really mysterious pearls and epic treasures are still yet to even be found. Do you understand what I am saying? Mmmkay, GOOD!

Oh, and for the record, Happy Birthday, Bruce. While I’d be lyin’ if I said I was ever a fan of your sport, I am a fan of your stoic mastery mindsets. Here’s hopin’ you’ve now transformed into your highest form of all!

On This Day …

… in 2007, one of the most poignant and powerful songs about about “life and death” was released with the Heroin Diaries of Sixx:A.M.: “Life Is Beautiful“. It’s about what Motley Crue bassist, Nikki Sixx, went through when he was addicted to heroin:

You can’t quit until you try. You can’t live until you die. You can’t learn to tell the truth until you learn to lie. You can’t breathe until you choke. You gotta laugh when you’re the joke. I know some things that you don’t. I’ve done things that you won’t. There’s nothing like a trail of blood to find your way back home. I was waiting for my hearse. What came next was so much worse. It took a funeral to make me feel alive. There’s nothing like a funeral to make you feel alive. ALIVE! Just open your eyes! Just open your eyes and see that life is beautiful. Will you swear on your life that no one will cry at my funeral?

If you’ve never heard it before, and even if you’re not a heavy metal rocker aficionado like me, much like a few of my other “live while you’re alive and think about your legacy” metal songs such as “The Brighter Side of Grey“, “Remember Everything“, “Leave Out All The Rest“, and, oh, yah, let’s not forget that other really sobering near death addiction song, “Tragic Truth“, I believe there is powerful “Memento Mori” message in Life Is Beautiful that every music lover can appreciate. Meanwhile, perhaps what’s at the forefront of my mind right now is a social media post turned Diary entry I’d made on the very first day of this year with an equally poignant if not hauntingly beautiful message:

… and thus another 365 days are now waiting ahead to take us ALL back around the The Sun again, God willing. To know me well is to know that I am TRULY in love with every minute of every day that I “get” to partake in this bittersweet, beautiful, shit show of a fucking CIRCUS we call life. Some may find me morbid, macabre, pessimistic, “doom and gloom”, or obsessed with the thought of Death. I am not. Quite the contrary, actually – BUT – I am a stoic … and a realist … and if dancing with “Death” has gifted me anything, it’s my absolute peace with and understanding about the brevity of mere existence. So, with that, as you begin what will hopefully prove to be YOUR next beautiful trip around our that fiery girl in the sky … “MEMENTO MORI”: Remember that you have to die. Let my words and my story be a sobering, LIFE-long reminder to make each of the 86,400 seconds of your next 365 days REALLY count. Live today, not tomorrow, because unless you’re God or an immortal jellyfish, tomorrow isn’t promised. “… and if you see me losing faith in what it means to die, don’t let me leave before I know what lies behind the stained-glass doors. Save sorrow for the souls in doubt. Bleed every care out.”

(“Carry Me Down“)

With that, Happy Birthday, “Life Is Beautiful”! Much like any addiction, only this one in all the best ways, you have seeped into my soul, crawled beneath my skin, broken me into pieces, cut me where I needed to be cut, and become a daily anthem and reminder to LIVE while I’m ALIVE in this BEAUTIFUL fucking shit show called LIFE! Here’s hoping that you find your way into the heart and soul of someone else who desperately needs to hear your message and that you inject this GOOD STUFF deep into into their veins.

“

Are we listening to hymns of offering? Have we eyes to see that Love is gathering? All the words that I’ve been reading have now started the act of bleeding into one. So, I walk up on high and I step to the edge to see my world below. And I laugh at myself while the tears roll down, ’cause it’s the world I know. Oh, it’s the world I know.

I don’t see how I could ever go back to the place I use to live … alone and displaced in even the most crowded spaces and wholly unable to see the world through my own set of eyes. Not only is stepping to the edge and looking down below no longer scary to me, it is, perhaps the most peaceful and connective state of existence I be in.

I know exactly where my home is now …

… because I AM MY HOME!

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. If only I could “poof” this to all of you, I would. It doesn’t seem fair that I get to live this beautiful life on the edge of eternity with my little white balloons as I soar on the wings of angels. I did NOTHING to deserve it and everything to run away from it, yet here I am, anyway, an enigma and a miracle … “nothing, everything, and ALL of it” … but mostly God’s favorite daughter.

Where did I go wrong? I lost a friend somewhere along in the bitterness … and I would have stayed up with you all night had I known how to save a life?”

{How To Save A Life“}

So, it’s “World Kindness Day 2023“, and let me just say THIS: We all have different strengths and gifts to contribute to humanity, and “Lighthouse” isn’t for everyone. We aren’t all equipped to stand there waving our arms and shining our beacon to the masses who are drowning, or at minimum, just not swimming well. Guess what? THAT’S OKAY!

Not only do some people prefer to just lay low, but some people are barely hanging on themselves. It’s kinda hard to reach for someone else’s hand when your own hands are clinging to the life raft. Meanwhile …

There’s a happy medium to be found, my friends, and being kind, gracious, and respectful to others is not only “good enough” … it’s just … so much more BETTER!

The bottom line is this …

Don’t be a “light EXTINGUISHER”! Not only is it GROSS to being a toxic, hateful, ASSWIPE of a “person”, but KARMA is ALWAYS watching!

Do YOU think it’s cute to step on someone’s fingers as they’re desperately flailing to pull themselves up the side of a cliff? Lol. Just wait for KARMA crush your SOULLESS body for sport while the rest of us laugh our sinking asses off! Just thought I’d share.

Three Words:

❗️I – Made – Her❗️

Okay, but umm, this isn’t about me, now, IS IT? I literally prayed to God last night and said,

Hey, God, I know you’re pretty busy with the state of this kinda jacked up world right now, BUT, if, as I believe with every shred of my being, Zack just watched her open up that letter, can you PLEASE let me dream about him tonight?

Guess who showed up in my dreams last night? The man who in a round about kinda way helped make all this happen for her! His wishes for her are all coming true and I’m a proud TEXAS TECH Red Raider momma today!

“Sun’s up … GUNS up!”

It is time, once again, for another “Tale Of Two Quotes“. If you scroll to the right of the three pictures above, you’ll find a famous quote by Marie Curie, the Polish chemist and physicist who was at the forefront of some major research and discoveries on radioactivity.Today is her birthday, actually, which is why I’ve posted this in The Diary today. Indeed, she was a brilliant human being and barrier breaker. Aside from her most obvious achievements and contributions to modern science and physics, she was also the very first woman to win a Nobel Prize, the first person and only woman to win a Nobel Prize twice, and the only person to win a Nobel Prize in not one, but two scientific fields. Long, long, never-ending Google search wrap sheet short? She was prolly an actual fucking GENIUS! She said:

Nothing in life is to be feared, it is only to be understood.

(Marie Curie)

Okay, I suppose I can see where she was going with this, but umm, I guess my burning question is what did that mean for the people like ME? I mean, although I’m “probably” quite a bit smarter than a fifth grader (although some may beg to differ), I’m clearly no rocket scientist. Lol. I’m more of a creative bird, you know … a heart and soul kinda girl. In many regards, though, I do tend to have the simple and childlike mind of a five year old.

Case in point …

Did you know that I literally pray on my hands and knees at the foot of my bed at least once a day, if not twice, to a “God” I cannot see, which many people DO think makes me crazy – again – like an ACTUAL five year old: “In the name of the Father, Son, and the Holy Spirit … AMEN!”

Lol. I swear sometimes even my dog thinks I’m crazy when he sees me doing my prayer thing or sitting in my “panic chair” either crying in general, crying tears of gratitude, or otherwise just giving thanks to God meditatively. Meanwhile, regardless of whether or not the 50/50 wager I’m making with my eternal soul and salvation is just as dumb as ASS and for NOTHING as many people think, at the end of the day, my faith is what has been my truest saving grace, and as such, there are SO many complicated “life nuggets” and even “rocket science” type dealios in this world that I just leave up to The Pro. I “kiss, kiss, KISS” all my worries, doubts, and fears away like so many leaves blowing in the wind and

One of the best days in my life was the day I figured out that not everything is meant to be understood.

(The Real STUPID Cat Williamson)

Indeed, it is true, that “true freedom is understanding that some things just aren’t meant to be understood“, because they’re NOT! So, with all due respect to you, Madam Curie, imma just KISS this whole “Tale Of Two Quotes” dealio away and, “Keep It Simple STUPID”. As far as I’m concerned, whether you’re a person like me who’s “possibly” smarter than a fifth grader or an actual fucking rocket scientist, there might just be more than one road to our final destination, and YUP, we’re all going in the same direction. Lol. Well, at least some of us, that is. So, be careful how you place your wagers!

SAME DIRECTION

Hey! Whenever I step outside, somebody claims to see The Light. It seems to me that all of us have lost our patience. ‘Cause everyone thinks they’re right, and nobody thinks that there just might be more than one road to our final destination. But I’m not ever going to know if I’m right or wrong, ’cause we’re all going in the same direction. And I’m not sure which way to go, because all along, we’ve been going in the same direction. I’m tired of playing games … of looking for someone else to blame for all the holes in answers that are clearly showing. For something to fill the space. Was all of the time I spent a waste, ’cause so many choices point the same way I was going? So, why does there only have to be only one correct philosophy? I don’t want to go and follow you just to end up like one of them. And why are you always telling me what you want me to believe? I’d like to think that I can go my own way and meet you in the end. {Hoobastank}

For those of you who don’t already know this, I am, indeed, a modern day stoic, which practice, alongside my Christianity, has been one of the most saving of all the graces that have helped keep me standing so strong amidst my storms. So many people have mistakenly assumed that just because I’m a stoic, I don’t have any feelings. NOTHING could be further from the truth. As an empath, I am a walking, taking, BALL of “feelings”, it’s just that I have found a way to rise above, regulate and control them!

But what IS “stoicism“, anyway?

Well, in honor of this first day of “Stoic Week 2023“, let’s take a quick look at the four stoic tenets of virtue the ancient Greeks, Romans, and I firmly believe should guide our actions toward doing the right things regardless of less than optimal circumstances we have no control over. We’ll call it “Stocism For Dummies” (which includes me):

WISDOM:

The chief task in life is simply this: to identify and separate matters so that I can say clearly to myself which are externals not under my control, and which have to do with the choices I actually control.

(Epictetus)

Use your brain, don’t do dumb shit, and sometimes it just IS what it IS. Accept the things you cannot change, have the courage to change the things you can, and move on when it’s over!

(Real Cat)

COURAGE:

Don’t you know life is like a military campaign? You have been stationed in a key post, not some lowly place, and not for a short time but for life.

(Epictetus)

Just be brave, no matter what you’re facing, ’cause sometimes LIVING is HELL on Earth and you gotta be prepared for the battle!

(Real Cat)

JUSTICE:

And a commitment to justice in your own acts. Which means: thought and action resulting in the common good. What you were born to do.

(Marcus Aurelius)

Strive to be fair and kind and try REALLY hard not to be a fucking asshole!

(Real Cat)

MODERATION:

Pleasures, when they go beyond a certain limit, are but punishments.

(Seneca)

“Slow your roll, player”, choose long-term well-being over short-term satisfaction, never get too greedy or sloppy, and never take or consume more than you need.

(Real Cat)

So? What have we learned here, kids? Well, I’ll tell ya! It’s that you don’t have to run around in a toga and strappy sandals or share blood with the ancient philosophers to be a modern day STOIC and live a better life. I mean, run around wearing a bedsheet if that’s what floats your boat, but, umm … you do YOU! And while, no, you really can’t control the world that spins around you, you very much can control how you choose to respond. Life is unpredictable, so ya gotta prepare yourself to stand STOIC amidst the storms. Oh, and by the way … you’re welcome!

STANDING IN THE STORM

I still got some life in me. You can try to shake me. I still got some fight in me, but you can never break me, break me. I see the clouds around me start to darken like searchin’ eyes of serpents always watchin’. Tell me I’m still breathin’. Tell me there’s still feelin’. Resistance makes me stronger. It makes me stronger. Time for me to be defiant, ’cause I won’t be silenced when I suffer. Slingin’ shots to Goliath, gonna call down fire and rain and thunder! I see the world around me start to darken. Resistance makes me stronger! So, make me stronger whatever comes. I’m standin’ in the storm like never before. The pressure builds around me. Let the winds surround me. Whatever comes, I’m not givin’ up! Fearless as a lion … not afraid of dyin’ … I still got some life in me! You can try to shake me, but you can never break me! I feel the voices underneath me callin’. I sink into the graveyard of the fallen. Tell me that you hear ’em … tell me that you don’t fear ’em. Resist a little longer … DEATH BEFORE DISHONOR! Nothin’ left to be decided, ’cause I won’t be quiet when they threaten through the hate and all the violence. Got truth on my side and Love’s my weapon! {Skillet}