… when it’s been 3,760 days since you shed your skin and had the epiphany that changed everything in front of a fountain in a tiny hilltop village in France and you’re finally headed there with the love of your life to show him the very you were standing when it happened!
This day of the tour is exactly why he brought me here and I literally have butterflies in my stomach! Everything in my heart and life changed instantly and I am so thankful he wants to see the place I’ve been telling him about for nine long years! This is actually the second time I’ve used this song here in The Diary, by the way!
TAKE ME THERE
There’s a place in your heart nobody’s been. Take me there. Things nobody knows, not even your friends. Take me there. Tell me ’bout your mama, your daddy, your hometown, show me around. I wanna see it all, don’t leave anything out. I wanna know everything about you then. And I wanna go down every road you’ve been. Where your hopes and dreams and wishes live. Where you keep the rest of your life hid. I wanna know the girl behind that pretty stare. Take me there. Your first real kiss, your first true love. You were scared, show me where you learned about life, spent your summer nights. Without a care. I wanna roll down Main Street, the back roads. Like you did when you were a kid. What made you who you are? Tell me what your story is.
Ten years ago, you boarded a plane to France with so much more baggage than what you’d actually packed you could barely walk, much less carry the load you’d allowed yourself to be burdened with for too many years to count. Until the moment your feet hit this soil, you’d perpetuated a lifelong farce to everyone you knew and loved, not the least of which was yourself.
Meanwhile, all in the course of a relatively short jaunt, you met two complete and total strangers. Remember how you believed they were actual angels God had set on your path to help you begin the process of becoming acquainted with the other stranger you’d met on that trip – you? One of these days you should be brave enough to introduce those two strangers from your past and really speak your truths by the way, so consider this your official challenge!
At the end of the day, what I can tell you is that I find it no coincidence that you are back here in France, a decade later, celebrating your birthday with not only this amazing man who has brought you so much sweet joy and fullness that your words since meeting him have failed to find their way to paper, but more importantly – with YOU!
Everything has changed since the last time you were here and your life is unrecognizable! Your feet hit that soil with a steadfast determination to stop living a lie and start living an authentic life you could be proud of with the REAL you, no matter the cost, and cost you it did. How could you ever have known that despite your best efforts to salvage the life and relationships you already had, in order to see your resurrection to fruition you’d end up having to let so many things and people go? So, you became a living bomb that self-destructed during the process of peeling off that venomous black Spidey suit you’d been wearing all the while that had all but suffocated the life from you.
I’d like to think that if you could change this last ten years you wouldn’t have changed a thing, as in my heart I think you’ve always known that all of this had to happen for a reason. You found yourself. You found your voice … and your truths … and your many reasons. You know exactly who you are, how you got here, what things you’ve done right, and the many things you could have done better. You’re a perfectly imperfect beautiful disaster and perhaps a bit much for some people digest. You are YOU, nothing more, NOTHING LESS, and “what other people think of you isn’t any of your business anyway.” You’re a survivor, and a warrior, and a divinely appointed living QUEEN, and a true and genuine person. As long as your two babies back at home and that superman standing behind you in one of your favorite places on this Earth think that you’re their hero, who could ask for a better birthday present? HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME, Catherine Marie Williamson! It’s been so nice getting to know you.
🐸 Countless days have passed since our story began that you still never cease to amaze me! You are still my hero, and if we had to go back to that tiny little apartment in Fairview, I would happily go. I could live anywhere, as long as you’re there. It’s not about the “house”, it’s about the “home”. You’re the prince among men who has continued to give us EVERYTHING, and I’m so damn thankful and proud to be your wife!
Never again, never give in, never give in. Never again, never give in, never give in. I wouldn’t wish this on just anyone, but you seem to share my impulse. I wouldn’t take this from just anyone, but you seem to like the result. I’ll connect the dots and you can tell me when to stop. I’d rather keep on going than be something that I’m not. We’re creatures of habit, we can’t live without it. We don’t have to answer to anyone. We’re chasing the rabbit, like creatures of habit, and no one else knows where we’re coming from. And nothing’s ever gonna change, ’cause I ain’t gonna run away. There’s no need to panic, ’cause you’re just as tragic. We’re creatures of habit, we don’t have to answer to anyone. I’m not amused by just anything, but under the circumstances (never again, never give in)! You be the recluse. I will defend you when you’ve used up all your chances. I’ll connect the dots and you can tell me when to stop. I’d rather keep on going than be something that I’m not. We’re creatures of habit, we can’t live without it. We don’t have to answer to anyone. We’re chasing the rabbit, like creatures of habit, and no one else knows where we’re coming from. And nothing’s ever gonna change, ’cause I ain’t gonna run away. There’s no need to panic, ’cause you’re just as tragic. We’re creatures of habit, we don’t have to answer to anyone. {Shinedown}
I heard this song for the first time today and it literally punched me in face. Stung me. Broke me. Leveled me. DEVOURED ME! Well, almost. While I was certain I understood the message being conveyed, I did some digging and found this on a Shinedown lyrics page:
Creatures is the progression of a person from dark to light, is the first part of the actual transition. This is where the person begins to shed all of the negativity that has held them in such a dark emotional state, breaking free from the human nature and animal instincts we all have that keeps us trapped, repeating the same mistakes.
EXACTLY! It was as though She were singing it to me Herself – my very best friend and nemesis, who for more than half my life, literally tried to murder me: The Dragon that was blocking my Light!Ironically, it was ten years ago this month when I finally set my tired feet upon the most unforgiving battlefield of my life:“Me v. Her” …
I never thought I would be one of those women who let an eating disorder control every aspect of their lives and I certainly don’t believe in “statistics”. I’ve known long well that none of this was ever about the food, but rather, some pathetic attempt to continually purge myself of a lifetime of shame, guilt and rage. It was about some sick sense of order I thought I was maintaining over the contradiction which had become “me”: My Rules; My Choices; My Food; My Control! (Or so I thought!)
I cannot tell you how many times I’ve been asked what it was like living with an eating disorder, but my words always failed me:
But, Cat, why didn’t you just stop doing it? Why WOULD you even do it? You’ve always looked so fit and healthy.
Umm, that’s not quite how it works, but did you know that effing BITCH could have killed me? Whether it’s attempting to mutilate your physical body, or the creatures living in your mind, as far as I’m concerned, eating disorders are nothing less than passive attempts at suicide, and the words to this song say it all.
For the record, it’s never really “over”! I am here to tell you that eating disorders have no cure – only quiet remission. Even as healthy as I’ve become, She has never actually left me, nor do I think She ever will. As is par for the course with any addiction dragon a human can face – be it drugs, alcohol, food, or even toxic relationships I just say She’s dormant now and lying in wait for the rest of my life, such that I must always take care not to awaken her. In the meantime, I remain eternally humbled and grateful that I somehow managed to survive her and am alive today to tell you about it. Besides, my Mona Lisa is watching all of this, and I will not rest until she is battle born and ready to fight dragons of her own!
“The day of the Spic and Spann” was the day I began to despise myself and the dark brown skin I wore, and dare I remember the countless hours of my youth spent in a bathtub crying secretly to myself while literally trying to erase my beautiful color with my mom’s kitchen pot scrubbers!
… because after a first half of a lifetime being ashamed of the tone of my skin then finally learning to love it, I figured it was about time that I figured out exactly how I got it! I couldn’t be more proud of the results. Not only did I discover how deep my Italian roots run to the region close to Pompei, which in and of itself has recently become an even greater source of pride than I could possibly have ever imagined, but also, that the ancestral connection to the Hopi Native American tribe in my blood that my Grandma Mary had always mentioned is likely very true.
One hundred years have gone and men again they came that way to find the answer to the mystery. They found his body lying where it fell on that day, preserved in time for all to see. What became of the man that started? All are gone and their souls departed.
So, with that …. ME! It’s ME! I’m what became of “the man that started” my ancestral tree!
And just like that, the mystery of how I became the fierce SURVIVOR I am is solved! It’s in my blood and the STUNNINGLY beautiful brown tones of the Latin and Mediterranean skin I used to try and scrub off in shame!
With that, here’s a little shout out to any and all it may concern regarding the color of either my or anyone else’s skin:
Pardon me, but, my epidermis is showing! I’m sure you couldn’t help but notice my gorgeous shade of melanin! I tip my hat to my colorful arrangement, ’cause I see the beauty in all the tone of my skin! I’m a colored people and I live in a tainted place. I’m a colored people and they call me the human race. I’ve got a history so full of mistakes, but I’m a colored people who depends on His holy grace. This piece of canvas, “me”, is only the beginning. I take on character with every loving stroke! A thing of beauty who’s the passion of an Artist’s heart … by God’s design, I’m in cosmic skin kaleidoscope!
Nineteen years have literally flown by with tears and sorrow, joys and laughter, and an abundance of beautiful moments in between. But I vividly remember waking up about this time that morning, alone in the room that was “ours” less than 12 hours before, yet, where was he? I was literally pinching myself because I couldn’t decide whether I was still asleep in a twisted dream or awake in a living nightmare. Then I remembered where he was – laying on a cold metal table in the ER where I had to leave him. So, I slid out of the bed and put my ear towards the door to see if I could hear what the muffled voices awaiting my rise from a medicated slumber were saying. I walked towards the window and peaked through the blinds to find a beautiful day with a light wind blowing leaves down the sidewalk. A kid on his bike. A car driving by. A lady walking her dog. Everything outside seemed so normal. But then again, not so much. So how did I get here all these years later? Well that will all be revealed in this Diary in good time. In the meantime, however, let me tell you about one of the sweetest moments of my life that would never have happened be it not for “this day”, September 6, 2012.
First, let’s go back to nine years before when Williamson and I first met. This was at the very darkest point of my life, yet he somehow saw through the jacked up, broken apart, just about to come undone “me” that I was, only to find and believe in the “me” that I was yet to become. He refused to give up on me and somehow convinced himself that there was so much more to me than met his eyes. Eventually he even convinced me.
In the early days of our budding relationship, we of course shared all the memories of our pasts. “Take Me There” by Rascal Flatts was the theme of almost all our conversations, as we both truly wanted to know exactly where the other had been. He told me his stories and I told him mine, not the least of which was Mitch, beginning to bittersweet end, May 29, 1998.
There he sat patiently listening one night, not a detail barred or spared, up to and including the intersection where it happened. He had driven out with me to Addison soon thereafter to see the wall and the place and the road. He wanted to know all of it – all of ME.
Fast foward to …
SEPTEMBER 6, 2012:
I had driven to Addison to pick him up for lunch near the place he’d been working. We’d taken a wrong turn going back to his office which somehow spit us out a block away from “the wall”. When I looked up and saw the Midway Road sign I quickly realized where we were. Queue the live video all over again: There goes Mitch on that devil black bike speeding off to his final blaze of glory! But before I knew it Zack had taken my hand with a tender squeeze, “Damn, this is the place”. He remembered. After all this time, HE STILL REMEMBERED.
Just then, the video stopped just short of the less than grand finale, and the knot in my stomach unraveled. I looked at my beautiful husband and thanked God yet again that he chose to make me his wife. It was also in that moment that I was reminded of something else: I am no longer alone to carry all these memories and moving pictures that are locked inside my mind. How many men could live with and accept the ghost of someone before him? The memories of my past are precious to my husband, and he carefully protects and embraces all of them. Even the memories of “him”! There is a sacred piece of my heart and life that will ALWAYS belong to Mitch Boone and Zack has never once held that against me.
What a sharp contrast this pivotal point in our story was to another day in a former life with my ex: It was the two-year anniversary of Mitch’s death when Peter and I were fighting about God knows what. It bothered him immensely to see me grieving for someone else, and although I really did try to shield him from my pain, sometimes I just couldn’t contain it. So, on that day? He had had it! “Your MY wife! He’s GONE! Yet you’re still crying about it?” So, he took two pot lids from the kitchen and smashed them together as loud as he could standing two feet away from my body and said,
I’ll give you something to cry about. Remember THIS sound? BAM! Metal hitting a wall! How’s that? Now go ahead, just keep crying!
Yes, he really did that, and yes, he really said those words. I remember that moment as though it just happened now. He took my raw and bruised heart and accompanying pain and sorrow and mocked me with them in one of the cruelest moments of my life.
I’m such a blessed woman and thank you GOD for reminding me of how much You love me through the gift of Zack’s unconditional love and strength. I love you, Zachariah … more than I’ll ever be able to put in words. Thank you for loving me. No, wait! Thank you for loving us. You are my hero and I will spend the rest of my days on this Earth honoring and treasuring everything you are. I promise!
Every now and then, I will hear or see certain words strung together that hit me like a ton of bricks. By this, I mean really words that strike me so hard that I just know I’ll be repeating them for the remainder of my life and hopefully passing them down through my kids.
Take for instance the day someone showed me those “Four Agreements“. Now, those were some impeccable words. I live, breathe, and will die by them, by the way, and sometimes even make a mockery of them. Regardless of how far I’ve come thus far in my mental wealth and growth journey, I’m still just an extremelyperfectly flawed human after all.
Well, today, IT HAPPENED! A friend and I were watching our daughters play volleyball and talking about that good ole Devil’s boomerang called karma. Of course, we’d both pointed out the painfully obvious: “What goes around comes around … blah, blah, blah.” But then she said this:
People only think of karma in the form of bad things coming after bad, but I believe that karma also works in reverse. Good will always come after good given time.
I have long believed that perspective is everything, and today, my lifelong perspective on “karma” took a turn for the best day EVER! Karma can curse you … but karma can also bless you. It is my hope that Karma will only continue to bless me, mine, and any of you who are reading this.
… and to accept selfish, disrespectful, ungrateful people for who and what they are, the courage NOT to become bitter, and the wisdom NOT to let it happen again!
This morning was a SUPER early day for me, as most Fridays usually are being a full-time mother, full-time housewife, a full-time real estate agent. Since Fridays are in essence my “Mondays”, my alarm goes off at 4:30am, I pop up like a Jack-In-The-Box, hop out of bed, start the coffee and spin around like a manic robot getting everything and everyone ready and dealt with ahead of what are usually very hectic weekends in our household. Trust me when I say that I am not complaining, because I thoroughly love every one of my jobs and am blessed beyond words to have them! My adoring husband is ever so appreciative that I’ve somehow found a way to balance my career and our family in such a way that everything runs smoothly, and I’ve created a peaceful environment for them to come home to despite my organized chaos. I am also desperately hoping that I am, in all things, showing my daughter that yes, she can have and do it all if she so chooses, and this is how: Eat, sleep, pray, breathe, cry a little, laugh a lot, sing loud in the car, smile as much as possible, participate when you can, don’t bite off more than you can chew, LEARN TO SAY NO WHEN NECESSARY and thank God for everything all the while. (Being grateful eight days a week, 366 days a year is my other full-time job hee hee!) For the most part I am a very happy girl with a kind, patient, loving heart filled with enough “everything” for everyone in my atmosphere. I live my life by “The Four Agreements” and this is how I roll.
Every Friday for the last eight years, we have faithfully patroned a small, family-owned dry-cleaning business on the far southeast side of the town that we live in because they are fairly priced and do a good job, but even more so because we are just loyal that way. Meanwhile, once a week I pull through the window and go out of my way to be kind to this woman who is usually wearing a scowl, throwing or slamming stuff around, or barking out orders to the others that are behind the counter. And so, I watch. And think. And wonder. “Hmmm, maybe I’ll kill her with kindness today”, or “maybe she’s had a rough morning”, or “maybe she’s not a morning person at all”, or “maybe she’s really stressed-out Cat, so tell her to have a good day and go on about your business! AGREEMENT NO. 2: DON’T ANYTHING PERSONALLY! Her nasty attitude is about HER, not YOU!” But today something changed, and my otherwise patient demeanor snapped and took a turn for the worse!
I have always taken the time to untangle, organize and neatly twist-tie the hangers then place them at the bottom of the basket for return with the next week’s clothes, a practice I started many years ago when I had actually gone inside their store rather than drive-thru on a morning I was bringing comforters in. On that particular day I’d been standing and waiting while watching one of the girls at the counter feverishly detangling the massive pile of hangers others had returned as well, so with that I thought it would be a nice gesture to organize mine ahead of time. This morning, however, was the first time in years that I didn’t take the time to do that, which, I actually did feel bad about for a split second. But today of all days was slated to be straight from Hell, so I just shoved everything in the bag as quickly as I could and loaded the car for whatever the day might possibly bring.
You see, there is a little stress in our home this last couple of months. Nothing we won’t get through of course, because God IS so good, but stress nonetheless there is. Let’s see, I have a deeply hurting if not troubled child that I am desperately trying to keep from falling into his own oblivion, an uncle in Florida just days away from meeting The Maker, eleven live real estate transactions going at once, a husband with DOZENS of live real estate transactions going at once and a jacked up knee that needs surgery, a dog that won’t stop peeing on everything, a Bad Cat that keeps running away, a Good Cat who won’t stop crying and starving herself when the other is gone, a very socially active daughter wrapping up her last weeks of elementary school who is also playing volleyball, a house to keep up with, four peoples’ laundry to do, 300 miles a week of driving, my physical fitness to keep up with, and oh yes – this particular Memorial Day weekend marks the 19th anniversary of the night a man I was supposed to marry met HIS Maker by running his Harley through a brick wall going 90mph with no helmet. Yah, I’d say I am really kind of sad and emotional this week. I haven’t slept much, am functioning on pretty much coffee and faith alone, and I have an anxiety stomachache nearly all the time because I’m so afraid to let one of the 27 balls I currently have in the air fall on the ground and thus me right along with it (and also maybe because of the coffee)!
Dear Dry-Cleaning Lady:
I, too, was in a foul mood this morning! But guess what? I still managed to smile at you and took the time to ask how you were?
Who wants to know what she said to me when I asked the question, “Good morning dear, how are you?” She literally BARKED back at me, “Well thanks for not untangling the hangers for me!” And nope, it wasn’t friendly banter! She was literally mad that I didn’t untangle the hangers. Now what?
Well, I’ll tell you “now what”. I’m so done with not only that dry cleaner lady but likewise anyone in my life who does not treat me or mine with the equal amounts of kindness and respect with which I treat them. These last few months have been a reckoning of my soul, my strength, my will, and the personal boundaries I need to keep firmly in place going forward if I am going to survive without bitterness. I will not be spoken to harshly. I will not be treated rudely. I will not be disregarded, or unappreciated, or taken for granted. No more. Never again! “We treat and value others as we wish to be treated and valued or we lose them.” When I drove away from the window I kept my calm, and simply said to her, “See you next Tuesday dear!” Only she won’t be seeing any of these Williamsons again, and I’m damned sure she didn’t understand the horribly cryptic message I was sending.
As My Cousin Vinny once said, “I’M DONE WITH THAT GUY”! And yup, I’m so done with all those guys (and girls). Life is too short to spend my good energy or precious time in the BULLSHIT company of miserable, toxic people. – The End
I wasn’t sure if I was going to share this, because I honestly didn’t want to make anyone sad. After all, no one likes a Debbie downer, and at first glance, this precious treasure of mine may lead some to think, “OMG, how sad”. Let me to explain …
Our daughter had her friends here for a sleepover recently. Giggles and silliness ensued above our bedroom, which we did not mind in the least. Those sounds of silliness are not only music to our ears but even more so a sign that we must be doing something right! We’ve always said that we want our home to be where our daughter and her friends want to be. (Much like those days so very long ago raising my Christian that I fondly recall very similar sounds of boys camped happily at my home. They were “my boys” too, and some still are to this day, but I digress.) When kids cross our threshold they are welcomed, embraced, esteemed, heard, respected, validated, loved and cared for as if they were our own. For us? It’s the highest of honors: “The house full of silly girls”. But oh how I’ve digressed …
That night it was storming terribly. Pouring rain, crashing thunder, cracks of lightening and even some hail. Williamson and I were settled down in our room watching a movie while the girls upstairs were engaged in some pretty serious shenanigans. One hellacious “BAM” of thunder and lightning and our peaceful movie night quickly turned into a slumber party in our room! There we were surrounded by two cats, a trembling dog, then within seconds of hearing eight little feet trampling down the stairway, four 11-year-olds who jumped onto our bed. “Guess what, you’re stuck with us now people, bwa ha ha ha ha!” Of course, this was to be expected and perfectly okay. Soon, they were all giggling and wouldn’t shut up, so Williamson hit the pause button and we just let them do their thing!
It was all fun and games, until that is, one of the girls who hadn’t been in our bedroom before noticed a tiny dress I have displayed in a curio along with many other keepsakes and trinkets that were either gifts pending a long-awaited arrival or keepsakes given in remembrance of a brief and bittersweet life . You see, it’s “her shelf” – my daughter Gina Marie, the miniscule human who was given to share her time with me for only a matter of hours. Some day when I’m ready I will share her story in greater expanse, but for now what I can say is this …
Amid the giggles the girl noticing the dress immediately jumped out of the bed and ran to the cabinet.
Miss Cat, what is that little dress for and whose little footprints are those?
Ugh. My heart all but seized as I contemplated what to say so that her innocent young mind could understand. But before I could find the words one of the other girls who had already seen the dress and knew all aboutour Gina interjected:
That’s an exact copy of the dress Gia’s sister was buried in when she died. It’s a doll dress and it’s so tiny because the baby was only ‘this big’ (as she cupped her hands together). She was born and died before Gia, so even though she was itty bitty, technically she was her big sister. Those are all the gifts Miss Cat was given when she was pregnant with her and then after she died and it’s all very special to her. And those footprints? They were the little baby’s. That’s how itty bitty her real little feet were.
As the girls continued talking amongst themselves my husband quickly grabbed my hand for the quick three squeeze “I love you”. He was certain I was crumbling inside, and worried for what may be going on in my mind, but strangely, that was not the case. I was intrigued. As we continued to listen intently to a heavy conversation between the girls, they were soon sharing stories and memories of not only their own births, but those of their siblings as well. Can I just say that my words alone are not enough to express the amount of love and tenderness in that room on an otherwise dreary night? They were connecting. Bonding. Sharing. Feeling. Listening. Caring. It brought such an intense warmth and peace to my body that my skin was almost tingling.
But that wasn’t even the best part of this story. At one point, the girl who had noticed the dress and thus sparked the conversation literally burst into sobbing tears. She had connected what happened with my daughter to a sibling her own mother had evidently lost by miscarriage before she was born, which, as you can imagine, troubled her very deeply. But then, she looked at me and said these unbelievable words:
Miss Cat, I am really, really sorry that happened to you. You must have been so sad. It must have been so hard for you to hold your tiny baby in your arms and watch her just go away.
HER little heart was aching for me … I could see it in her eyes … and Gia, too, was becoming so viscerally emotional that we could all clearly see that she was breaking. One of the girls noticed and gently placed her hand on her back to comfort her, while the other girl was comforting the sobbing one.
Gia, we are so sorry for you too. But your sister is like an angel now and we wouldn’t have you if that horrible thing didn’t happen to your family. Right Miss Cat?
Then, my Gia, my powerful, graceful, and beautiful “Mona Lisa“, spoke these most unbelievable words:
And with that, I was stunned and speechless in all the best ways possible, because in that moment I realized that through “the dress” not only is my baby’s tiny little life remembered to have existed, but even more so than that, it DID mean something significant to someone other than just myself. To those girls who have seen it, Gina Marie’s “angel dress” is a lesson in faith and “life … no matter how small”, and of course, an example of how grownups can survive after tragedy and loss.
Perhaps you’ve already ready my second post, “SUMMER OF 1979: “Under My Scars“, where in a singular moment, a very cruel girl who didn’t even know my name called me a “spic” in front of a gymnasium full of my peers and literally changed the direction of my life and self-esteem forever. You see, I was born in Rhode Island, where the darker, olive toned skins were the norm and my Native American / Italian coloring blended right in with everyone else’s.
“The day of the Spic and Spann” was the day I began to despise myself and the dark brown skin I wore, and dare I remember the countless hours of my youth spent in a bathtub crying secretly to myself while literally trying to erase my beautiful color with my mom’s kitchen pot scrubbers!
Well those days are over and guess what? As it turns out, I’m pretty freaking gorgeous! And no, I’m not being vein, let me just promise you that! I’m talking about who I really am! Inside. Outside. Brown skin. Tired skin. Worn skin. Inked up skin. Thick days. Skinny days. Happy days. Sad days. Grieving days. Angry days. “Damn, guess I screwed THAT up pretty good, but oh well, the world didn’t end, so I’ll just have to forgive myself now and get over it!” kind of days.
The scars under my skin eventually became the catalyst for all of the best parts of who I am … beautifully and wondrously formed … and I couldn’t be any prouder of either my scars or my skin if I tried! They delightfully shroud a fiercely courageous yet delicately empathetic soul that is connected to every point of light I’ve intersected with. I am perfectly imperfect, and so are we ALL “beautiful disasters” in our own right. Beauty truly is in the eye of The Beholder my friends, and any eyes judging our books based solely on their covers do not deserve to read them!
That girl from way back then? Her name was Lisa, and wow did she miss out on getting to know one hell of a super cool chic. I have long since forgiven her for all the years those careless words of hers carved from deepest parts of my psyche, and if I ever see her again, perhaps I should even thank her. In the meantime, that ignorant CUNT of a “mean girl” would have been Jean-Claude Van DAMN lucky to have had the privilege and HONOR of knowing me! Little did she or any of those dumb fucks know that one day I’d grow up to be a living queen, “a divine apostrophe“, and God’s actual favorite daughter.
SKIN
Paint yourself a picture of what you wish you looked like. Maybe then they just might feel an ounce of your pain. Come into focus. Step out of the shadows. It’s a losing battle. There’s no need to be ashamed. ‘Cause they don’t even know you, all they see is scars. They don’t see the angel living in your heart. Let them find the real you buried deep within. Let them know with all you’ve got that you are not your skin. And when they start to judge you, show them your true colors and do on to others as you’d have done to you. Just rise above this. Kill them with your kindness. Ignorance is blindness. They’re the ones that stand to lose. {Sixx AM}
Nine years ago, at the very beginning of my tailspin to the end of my old life and rise to where I am today, I was asked to read a book that was intended to help me make peace with the death of my daughter and other tragedies I thought I’d never survive. Well, it literally did jar everything in my soul, and yes, it has helped me cope with not just losing her, the bittersweet reality of losing anyone I love at all.
Throughout my journey as a parent, however, I have also come to realize that indeed, it is true, that a mother is only as strong as her weakest child. As such, I have been burdened with the often hopeless feeling of trying to reach my son way down deep in his soul where he’s been hiding for too many years to count. I have literally prayed on my hands and knees that this book would someday become a movie I could take him to in an attempt to crack the hardened shell that has become his safe fortress and plant the seeds of a renewed faith in God within his jaded heart.
Well, today is the day, folks. Tonight, as a family, we are going to see The Shack! Maybe this will jar something loose for him just as it did for me in 2008.
From the moment I met you I knew you were special I just did not know HOW special you were and how special and important you would become to me. I can honestly say that you have shown me the best that life has to offer despite our problems, issues we have had had and things we have done and said. I know it can get even better than it has ever been.I know I don’t verbalize it enough but I really do think overall that you are an incredible wife, friend and mother to OUR kids. You are more thoughtful, forgiving and caring than anyone I have ever met or anything I could aspire to be. I truly envy that about you. You are also a gorgeous woman. Your inner beauty has always been the biggest draw from me and it is the reason that I married you and the reason I love you so much.I know I have not always led you to believe this, but I also love to hear you talk and I do enjoy talking to you. You are the only person in my life I feel that I can truly confide in and not be judged. You know more about me than any other person on this planet and I know that goes both ways. You are a very passionate speaker, and you always do your best and take the extra time/effort to help someone understand your point or feelings. I love that about you, and it is one of your greatest strengths in my opinion so long as you are tactful, and light handed with criticism. Please don’t ever feel that you talk too much or that you are a bad person for speaking your feelings/thoughts so long as you know in your heart that you are coming from a good place and do you best to be constructive which you usually do.I have done, said and thought so many things to/about you that I am not proud of, and I am deeply sorry for. I know that 2017 really can be the best year of our lives, that this year we can really start over and get back to the place where we truly love, honor and cherish each other with no regrets, bitterness or anger in our hearts towards each other or anyone else for that matter. You are the reason for my happiness and confidence. You built me up when no one else would, picked me up when I fell, held me when I cried, celebrated with I thought I had done nothing spectacular, kicked me in the butt when you knew I needed to get over myself and believed in me when I did not even believe in myself. You ARE the light and the love that has filled my soul all along. You are the reason that I am the father, husband and human being I am today. You have taught me more than I ever thought I could learn from a person and challenged me to do things that I never ever thought I could do and more. We met for a reason, and we are together for a reason that was always meant to be. We love each other, feed off each other, mend each other’s wounds and fill in each other’s cracks. We must continue to do so because we will break without each other. We have to stay together even when we don’t think we can and give each other no reason to like the other or be likable to the other.I know we will grow from everything that has happened this past year and that things have gotten better already and will continue to do so even if they get worse for a time. Our pain and suffering is temporary but our love and connection is literally eternal. I am sorry I forget that sometimes.Happy 2017, Baby! I love you and I know you love me. It’s time to truly enjoy life TOGETHER and make this relationship we have better than it ever has been. I Love and adore you Catherine Williamson and I always will. Thank you for being my wife and thank you for being you.With all my heart
There’s a light in you that tears me down to nothing, there’s an angel in your eyes. There’s a hope inside that you can make it better. You see right through my disguise. When it rains it pours, and everybody stumbles. I won’t let them bring you down. I won’t let you down when the seasons change. I won’t go down. I’ll fight through the pain. I’ll be there right by your side. I’ll never let them bring you down when the seasons change. There’s a hope in me that I will die for something. Was the fire in my eyes? All this pain inside – will it be this way forever? I can run but I can’t hide. When it rains it pours, and everybody stumbles. I won’t let them bring me down. I won’t let you down when the seasons change. I won’t go down. I’ll fight through the pain. I’ll be there right by your side. I’ll never let them bring you down when the seasons change. When the seasons change and we’re in for colder weather, look for me on the divide. I won’t let you down when the seasons change. I won’t go down. I’ll fight through the pain. I’ll be there right by your side. I’ll never let them bring you down. I won’t let you down. When the seasons change.
Last night, I had an epiphany and yet another piece of my puzzle fell into place. I wasn’t as geographically close to her as most of my cousins were, but have alwaysbeen extremely fond of her. You see, although I was raised Roman Catholic, it was SHE, my maternal grandmother, who first taught me about Jesus and that I could have a personal relationship with Him no matter what “church” I either did or didn’t dwell in, and that “just because you can’t see Him, it doesn’t mean He isn’t there.”
It was SHE who planted that mustard seed of faith in my psyche so many years ago. It was SHE who taught me that it doesn’t really matter what anyone thinks of you, because at the end of the day, it’s between you, yourself, and the Lord to be accountable (although years of self-torture and cowering to “what people would think” occurred before I began to practice this preaching).
It was SHE who taught me that just because a woman is divorced it doesn’t mean God won’t forgive her or that she has to accept the accompanying guilt and shame that society and even her own family may burden her with.
Grandma, my dear angel, for as long as I am lucky enough to be alive here, you will always be that bowl of lumpy Cream Of Wheat I eat on a crisp, cool winter’s morning with my burnt tortillas and hot cup of coffee.
Never shall I part with this “seen better days” Scrabble game of ours that we played together countless of hours. Dare I say that literally cannot wait to have my own grandbabies sitting at that precious game board one day with their “Crazy Grandma Cat” so I can tell them all about YOU, the EPIC legacy YOU left behind, and how it was YOU who made some of the most beautiful brushstrokes across this masterpiece I’ll be working on until that beautiful moment I finally get to cross to The Brighter Side Of Grey and see you again.
Now that I think of it, I just realized that when I started this post, I opened with the exact wrong words. What I should have said was:
Last night I had an epiphany and yet another beautiful TILE fell safely into place in the Scrabble board that is my life!
White walls surround us. No light will touch your face again. Rain taps the window as we sleep among the dead. Days go on forever, but I have not left your side. We can chase the dark together. If you go then so will I. There is nothing left of you. I can see it in your eyes. Sing the anthem of the angels and say the last goodbye. Cold light above us. Hope fills the heart and fades away. Skin white as winter, as the sky returns to gray. Days go on forever, but I have not left your side. We can chase the dark together, if you go then so will I.
Can you imagine being 20 years old before ever having a “Court Order Delayed Birth Certificate” issued to you, becauseyour “birthday” didn’t seem to matter? Not your father. Not your “mother THING“. Not your siblings. NO ONE! Then, as added insult to the original injury and salt on top of the already gaping wound, finding out years later that because of the extremely vague details contained on said “birth certificate”, it was legally useless? Well, it just so happens that I know a guy … the love of my life … THE KING OF MY HEART … who knows exactly how it feels!
To say his childhood was less than optimal is far less than an understatement. That THING all but threw him away beginning the day he was born, then left him for good 18 months later, because, I suppose, he wasn’t as stellar as his older three siblings who were good enough for her to stick around for. It was only ever him she didn’t want, and trust me when I say that it’s been a sobering reality for him to wake to every day. Keep in mind that from the onset of meeting him, and especially once we got married, I’d been all but begged the “family” he was left with after “it” birthed him and bolted to please find some pictures of him as a child. Even one. Just one. Does anyone have even ONE picture from his childhood? But I’ve digressed.
Last year, ROCK STAR won us a company cruise to The Bahamas for his outstanding sales achievements, but because we’d be crossing international waters, he needed a US Passport. If you’ve ever gone through that application process, you know this all too well … ya can’t get a passport without a birth certificate! We diligently began by first having to obtain a “certified copy” from the courthouse since, PS, adding even more insult to the aforementioned injuries, his father, who received it from the court way back when, lost it! As in, he couldn’t be bothered to keep hold of it … HE WENT AND FUCKING LOST IT! But I’ve digressed again. So, we got the certified copy and turned it in with the passport application.
APPLICATION DENIED!
To make a very long, complicated, and infuriating story as short as possible, it was denied because to information on the certified copy of the delayed certificate of birth was so vague, lacking even so much as an official time of birth or the signature of the midwife that delivered him, the State Department wouldn’t accept it as valid enough proof that he WAS indeed actually “born”. Eventually, we ended up sitting in the office of our local state representative, Sam Johnson, explaining all the sordid details to his assistant, who ultimately stepped in, worked a little magic, and managed to get him a one-year “temporary” passport so that we’d be sure and make the cruise. But since we are indeed hoping to travel internationally as much as possible if and when time allows, we still had quite a process to go through in order to obtain a full United States Passport, which “process” sent us on a wild goose chase that looked and SOUNDED something like this …
But, Mr. Williamson, in order to issue you a passport, we need your ORIGINAL birth certificate.
I DON’T HAVE MY ORIGINAL BIRTH CERTIFICATE! THIS IS WHAT I’M TRYING TO TELL YOU! The only record of my birth that ever fucking existed is the “Court Ordered Delayed” birth certificate that was sent to my father years ago and he went and fucking LOST IT!
But Mr. Williamson, the information on your delayed birth certificate is just too vague. We need more information. What about the hospital you were born in? Did you check with them? Surely, THEY have an official record of you?
I WAS BORN IN MY PARENTS’ HOUSE IN IRVING, NOT A HOSPITAL! THERE WAS NEVER AN OFFICIAL RECORD OF MY BIRTH, OR, IF THERE EVER WAS A RECORD OF ANY KIND, IT NO LONGER EXISTS, BECAUSE NOT ONLY DID SHE NEVER WANT ME IN THE FIRST PLACE, SHE CERTAINLY NEVER KEPT A RECORD OF ME!
Well, we’ll need some documented proof that you existed in the system. Perhaps some early childhood records such as medical, dental, immunizations, or maybe even a letter from the school district you were enrolled in.
NO ONE KEPT ANY RECORDS OF ME … THIS IS WHAT I’M TRYING TO TELL YOU!
Well, what about the Census Bureau? Have you checked with the Census Bureau yet? Or your school district? What about the school district you were enrolled in? Can you get a letter from them?
Why can’t you understand this? NO ONE KEPT ANY RECORDS OF ME! I don’t know how else to explain it to you!
Hmm? Okay, well then how about some school pictures? Are there any school pictures of you? Yearbooks maybe? Do you have any of your childhood yearbooks?
NO ONE KEPT ANY RECORDS OF ME! THIS IS WHAT I’M TRYING TO TELL YOU! THERE ARE LITERALLY NO RECORDS OF ME ANYWHERE! NO ONE KEPT ANY RECORDS FOR ME! HOLY SHIT PEOPLE! FML! I FEEL LIKE I’M GOING INSANE!
After well over a year of arduous detective work and psychological assault, not the least of which was the nasty slap in his already tender face by his “brother” (who after having been asked for help by my desperate husband answered “NO” with deafening silence), my husband finally received his United States Passport!
On 10-5-82, the Sun shone a whole lot brighter than it ever had before. Smiling down on me. At only-God knows what time, both hands of time stopped turning and you came waltzing in to change my world for good. And I really don’t know exactly what was going on, but I bet I laughed a lot harder on that day, ’cause my whole world was changing on 10-5-82. On 10-5-82, you breathed your first breath. Suddenly living life meant so much more on the day that you were born. And I didn’t have a clue of all that was transpiring, but I bet the sky was blue and all the world looked new, ’cause everything was changing on 10-5-82.
Hey [big brother] can you give me a call. I have a favor to ask. We need a copy of your birth certificate to help me get a passport because of my jacked up birth certificate. I’ll explain.
Catherine, he STILL can’t be bothered to help me. It’s as if I don’t matter or even exist. I guess some things will never change.
We now have three of what appear to be the only school pictures that exist of him. Meanwhile, a local congressman had become aware of his abandonment and complete lack of identity and has intervened so he may finally have official recognition as a citizen and hopefully even a U.S. Passport! My husband is our hero and there are no words to describe how lucky we are that “they” have all forsaken him, because HE BELONGS TO US! Their loss is our EVERYTHING! He’s a man on a pedestal as long as he roams this Earth (and surely after he leaves it), and thank you GOD that he chose me and mine to finally call “his home”. And so, with that, HAPPY BIRTHDAY WILLIAMSON!This world is a much better place with you in it!
MIRACLE
Say it once. Tell me twice. Are you certain I’m alright? Just a sign to remind me tomorrow’s worth the fight. Ever changing – the story line that keeps me alive. So make a wish and say: Give me life. Give me love. Star lit angel from above. Not so low. Not so high. Keep it perfectly disguised. Ever changing – the story line that keeps me alive. My Mona Lisa’s making me smile right before my eyes. Take another look. Take a look around. Its you and me, it’s here and now. As you sparkle in the sky I’ll catch you while I can ’cause all we are is all I am. I just want you to see what I’ve always believed … You are the miracle in me. Show me faith like you do. I’m amazed at how you move. Side to side, front to back – you know how to make it last. Ever changing – the story line that keeps us alive. My Mona Lisa’s making me smile. {Shinedown}
I’ve been treating myself with fresh cut flowers once a week for going on five years,despite the fact that Williamson is an avid flower sender. Meanwhile, I’d been hoping that eventually Gia would notice and finally ask me the question for which I’ve been excited and prepared. But I wanted her to be the one to initiate the conversation so my answer would take root in her psyche forever:
me:
“It’s turning out great, right? My homemade ‘kitchen flowers’ make me so happy every week!”
her:
“It’s really pretty this time, mom. Plus, it’s hydrangeas AND lillies, BOTH our favorites! But I have a question. Daddy always sends you flowers, so, why do you need to buy your own?”
me (heart SWELLING):
“Because daughter, WHY NOT? I decided years ago to stop waiting for the world and people in it to “bring me my happy” and get out there and start bringing it to MYSELF! It’s especially important for moms to treat themselves kindly when they can, because it’s a very hard job and sometimes the things moms do and give tend to go unnoticed or recognized, often unintentionally. Life happens and people get busy – ESPECIALLY most daddies – so, moms have to remember to appreciate and value themselves regardless of who else remembers. You’ll always be able to make and find your OWN joy in life, as long as you’re willing to search for it. So, I want you to promise me that when you grow up you’ll treat YOURSELF to flowers often … because … YOU CAN and you DESERVE IT!”
her:
“Mommy? I am SO gonna do that AND have this same talk with your granddaughters one day! We’ll start trend in our family called ‘get yourself some flowers, girl’!”
me:
“You just made my day, Gia! I’ve been WAITING for you to notice that I buy myself flowers and finally ask me why! Now that you know, I really, REALLY hope that someday when you have a house of your own and I stop by to visit that I’ll see ‘kitchen flowers’ on your counter from YOU to YOU!”
🌸
I … AM … BLESSED!
Now, I want to challenge every woman reading this right now to go get herself some “kitchen flowers” TODAY! Life’s too short NOT to live like the queen you truly are, and bringing yourself flowers is one of the most perfect ways to treat yourself like royalty.
… that moment you’re unknowingly called to stage the house you built so many years ago, which very house is where your heart and soul were literally torn from within your being and the deconstruction of both yours and your son’s life began. And while I am so proud of myself for maintaining my composure as I walked room to room with the client as every haunting memory flooded me, to the point I couldn’t breathe, I find it no coincidence that Williamson just happened to be there.
The irony is that just this morning we both agreed that even with all the personal growth and forward movement I have made since the day I left that life behind, there are still some things that I’ve yet I to let go of despite my insistence I already have. But God is good, and I know I had to walk back into that house for a reason and He EVEN had my best friend with me to help me safely fall apart when we got back in the car. That is all.
HALO
I can see you running, running. Every night from the same darkness. It’s coming, coming. But you are not alone. If you just say the word, I’ll be there by your side. You make me more. You make me superhuman. And if you need me to I will save you. Send out the signal and I’ll fly low. If it means the death of me, I won’t let go. And if I’m lost in the worlds shadows I’ll use the light that comes to me from your halo. When you’re backed against the wall I could be the one who’s always there to break your fall. You are not alone. You’re the Sun. You’re the Day. The Light that guides me through. Never run, run away. I will save you. {Starset}
Wow! Just WOW! When this album dropped today, I knew it was gonna be good, but little did I know that it would re-invite some formerly uninvited memories of the past when I was separated from God:
And You? Your love’s defining a generation to settle a score. I once knew trust … but now I’m surrounded by time I’ve wasted and hearts that I stole. I owe to You a second chance … an explanation … a promise I’ll keep for every lie that I told to You.My lungs were failing … hands to the sky … face to the ground … I found that You have no intensions. You honor nothing. And how could this be true? They think so highly of You.You said You would come back for me … said You’d find a safe place. You said that Heaven and stars would never tear us apart. You’ll find the right words even from the wrong ways … You lie.Why won’t you just shut up? I’ll make you fade away. There’s a consequence to every word You say. Don’t you know who I am?I said I would come back for You … said I’d find a safe place. Who knew that Heaven and stars had their own prison bars? I’ll find the right words even from the wrong ways. I lied.I never wanted “so long” to turn into “go away”. There was a time when Your face I held much higher than grace. You are the catalyst to words I would never say.Goodbye!And now I only talk to the dead.Goodbye! I’m gonna see it all your way. What do I do now?
On second thought, no! I was never “separated from God”. He was with me all the while, and my imaginary separation from Him was, perhaps, the biggest lie that the devil had been shoving down my throat of all. Thankfully, those days are gone now.
And Him? His love is defining a generation, but not to settle anymore scores. I very much do know trust, and am surrounded by the precious hearts I stole and an even more precious 86,400 seconds a day that I refuse to waste while I revel in this beautiful life I still get to live with them. Yes, I really did owe Him a second chance … an explanation … and a promise I’ll keep for every lie that I told. My lungs are no longer failing … hands to the sky … face to the ground. I find that yes, He has only the best intensions for me and mine. He’s honored everything … this I know to be true … and while not everyone thinks so highly of Him … I MOST CERTAINLY DO! He said He would come back for me. He said He’d find a safe place. He said that Heaven and stars would never tear us apart … AND THEY WON’T! He’ll find the right words even from the wrong ways every single time I still lie. Thank you, GOD, that You never just shut up, and I promise that I’ll never ask you to fade away again. Yes, there really is a consequence to every word He says. Yes, he knows who I am. My “Heaven and stars” no longer have prison bars … they are my only true freedom. Goodbye!
This morning, while I was boxing up the remnants of “The Frog & The Butterfly” festivities, I came across a forgotten note that our daughter Gia had written, unbeknownst to us, evidently in preparation for the possibility that she, as my maiden of honor, would have to give a speech at the reception. When a friend of ours had informed her that she may indeed have to say a little something, she was super excited and evidently more than par to the task. However, as you can imagine, with all of the fast-paced excitement and shenanigans that morning, some of our plans went awry, and her speech never did happen.
Meanwhile, I found the note at the bottom of the little bag she had with her at the venue, and although I am so overwhelmingly disappointed that she never got to actually have her special moment that day, I now feel it is imperative that I share with you all what she wrote. Keep in mind that a week or so before she had come to me one afternoon with a barrage of “boot camp questions”, i.e.:
Mommy, so what did they did to you in there?” “What exactly happened? Did it hurt? Did you cry? Was it scary? Was it fun? Did they make you run or do jumping jacks? Since it’s called boot camp, were they dressed like soldiers?
Lol. And also, “Who exactly are the main people from Boot Camp, and are they going to be there on Sunday I hope? I always hear you talking about Jim and Elizabeth, and I know who Miss Dana is, and Mr. Mike, and the pretty lady at dinner with the baby at Mr. Mike’s house. But who else? Can you tell me their names?” I answered all her questions to the best of my ability, knowing NOTHING of this written speech until this morning (and I am typing it as-is, verbatim, misspellings and all) …
I don’t even know where to start. My mom has done soo much, to make shure her kids are happy, healthy, and most of all, loved. She is a hard worker, a great wife, an the absolute BEST mom. And when God put me on this earth, I must of been a very lucky baby to be put in the care and loving arms of my mom. Shes brave, loving, kind, sweet, forgiving, and always, always has warm loveing open arms to catch you if you fall. My mom is always there when you need her and even when you don’t. She comforts me when I am scared, gives me hugs when im sad, and helps me if I don’t understand. She has inspired me to be the best girl I can be and theres probably no one here in this room but me that knows what my mom and dad have gone through together. If my mom thought for just one minute, that me and Zack (my dad) didn’t click or absolutely love each other she wouldn’t have married him. But I loved him and I still love him to this day. My dad who even though he is my step dad he doesn’t call me his step daughter, he just calls me his daughter, nothing else no “step” is allowed. Even to his friends he says my “daugther”, my “daughter”, and before all of this happened, before she met my dad she was always sad. Then she whent to this thing called bootcamp and no one knows what they did to her in there but it was a miracle. So her bootcamp family, Jim carrol, and Elizabeth Carrol, david bishop, dana hamman, Jhon hoback, and all her bootcamp family, so many I can’t even name them all, all played a big part in the women my mom is today. So thank you all and mom I know you wont always be able to protect me but I want you to know I will always be your little girl. I love you momy. Thank you.
So, with that, please be blessed today and walk upright and proud in all that you do, give, and fight for on behalf of all the broken people who have walked through your doors (many who don’t even know they are broken, and even more who don’t take it seriously) in an attempt to make this effed up, crazy world that we live in a little bit nicer place, one “boot camper” at a time. If ever any of you find a shred of doubt within your hearts as to whether the work you are doing is “real or not real”, please read, then re-read this note and know that it came straight from the heart of an innocent little 10-year old girl whose still pure heart doesn’t quite know how to “not call it like she sees it”. And trust me, SHE’S SEEN IT! She is neither a celebrity, nor a paid spokesperson, and quite frankly still doesn’t know from Adam (or if she does know, doesn’t care) that Mommy’s “boot camp family” is now on TV. She’s just a kid who watched her “very sad” Mommy walked out the door to something called boot camp where a bunch of total strangers helped her come home four days later very HAPPY AND CHANGED and our lives have never been the same since! I have thanked you all before, and attempted to credit you at every possible turn with not just my personal testimony of words, but with a life well-lived that is living proof with which to credit you.
Before I walked into that place that on that “Wednesday that changed everything” seven years ago, I was anything but a “brave, loving, kind, sweet, forgiving, and always, always has warm loveing open arms to catch you if you fall” kind of girl. Well, scratch that. I was and always HAVE been that girl, it just took bunch of hearts like yours to help me pull my head out of my butt once and for all so that I could get the hell out of my own way and begin to LIVE! I love you all, and you know that. But the words right here from my daughter? The most POWERFUL “Life Enrichment Boot Camp” testimony of all! THIS HERE FOLKS IS REAL FOKS, and “real” means everything to me these days! Her precious words are as authentic as it gets. Thank you for everything you’ve given me and all the things THIS little boot camp “survivor by default” is going to be as a result of the women you helped her momma become! That is all.
Because, you see, when this man makes a promise, he keeps it! In case you didn’t know by now, when Williamson and I got married on this day exactly five years, it was at 8:15pm on a Monday night in our dear friends’ theatre room. At that time, we had very little support and even less resources to fund an actual wedding. But that was the way it was. Still, on that first night, once we arrived “home” to our little apartment in Fairview, he did, of course, stop me at the door to pick me up and carry me over the threshold, but not before grabbing my hands, looking me straight into the eyes, and saying these most beautiful words that I will never forget:
Catherine Marie Williamson, I love you, wife. Thank you for marrying me and finally giving me a real home. I promise you with all that I am that some day you will have a proper wedding … and a big, fat wedding ring … and a cake … and flowers … and an actual castle … and a life befitting a princess. You just have to give me a little time and have a lot of faith. Can you do that?
I looked him back straight in his eyes and said, “I love you too Zachariah. I trust you.”BECAUSE I DID! Now here we are, five years to the day, and guess who made good on his promise? You should know that he planned pretty much everything you see here and did the majority of the work putting this all together. He poured his literal heart and soul into making this day happen and my part in this production was minimal. This day was a dream come true and a promise kept for the both of us.
Thank you so much to everyone who came to support us for this hard-earned special day (some from MILES away)! We love all of you … and especially my “maidens” (and the moms who got them there) who not only treated me like a queen, but whose innocent giggles, laughter, joy and excitement made it all the better! I finally got to walk down the aisle the way we always dreamed that I would with “his first song to me” that ended up becoming my song to him playing in the beautiful sanctuary. It was literally a fairytale dream come true for both of us …. “The Frog & The Butterfly”.
Catherine Marie Williamson, I love you, wife. Thank you for marrying me and finally giving me a real home. I promise you with all that I am that some day you will have a proper wedding … and a big, fat wedding ring … and a cake … and flowers … and an actual castle … and a life befitting a princess. You just have to give me a little time and have a lot of faith. Can you do that?
Dare I remember that night not too long ago when he sent me this song. I really didneed need him them but it really was hard for him to find the time with his temporary job on the unemployment line. Meanwhile, here we are just a week away from yet another of his promises kept. He’s marrying me again … but for the first time. Only time will tell what lies ahead, but sufficed to say that he has already given me a life befitting a princess.
They’re six of the most important words I’ve ever heard in my life, echoed again today by a real estate teacher, author, and mentor of mine in a class he was teaching. Ironically, I had already heard these exact words before from “Debbie G”, a colleague I’d called upon for some advice a year ago when dealing with a buyer that I just couldn’t come to terms with. She probably has no idea of the impact those six powerful words she spoke while coaching me through “the buyer from hell” ordeal had on not only my professional life, but my personal life as well. Ever since she said it, I have chanted them to myself daily.
I am so grateful to be a woman living in a day and time where I can choose to further not only my education, but my wisdoms of life in general and feel completely supported in doing so. You see, I am a woman who was first a daughter, then a wife, then a mom, and then a real estate agent and home stager. A career in real estate was not a natural choice for me, and in fact, if left solely to my former self’s complete lack of self-confidence and subconscious “fear of succeeding”, I suppose I’d still be hiding somewhere in a perfectly manicured palace of oblivion on a road I have since left behind. I would never have fully realized not only my potential, but my true love and appreciation of life, learning and people in general. But alas, I turn to yet another one of my favorite lifetime mantras, “everything happens for a reason“!
Yes, this is the edict I have chosen to adopt over the course of many lifetimes, loves, and tragedies, and the one voice inside my psyche that faithfully pulls my little train down this ever-rambling track. Even that buyer transaction from hell, brokerage colleagues, and real estate teachers happened for a reason.
No thanks, I’ll pass! I wouldn’t do that to myself, a loved one, or quite frankly even a stranger, so YOU may not do that to me. I’ll train YOU how to treat ME, and that’s JUST the way it is!
What a coincidence that two people I’ve grown to respect in the fledgling state of my career have both said these most important “six words” to me! Perhaps I should tattoo them in reverse on my forehead, so I see them every time I look in a mirror.
On my way home from school this afternoon, I kept thinking about how much I wanted to literally jump out of my seat in class today when I heard my teacher say those words I now so fondly relish and yell,
YES! This is what I’ve been saying to myself almost every day since Debbie G said these words to me during my buyer transaction from hell!
Wow, do you think they would have thought I was nuts, or what? During that same ride home, I couldn’t help but notice that I was smiling from ear to ear, richer still with yet anothertreasured light bulb moment! My point being that I am inspired, on fire, and completely elated with my newfound freedom to take every opportunity I can to absorb every shred of wisdom from those who have gone before me through doors I am constantly preparing to open. Of course, I will take and apply this principal to my real estate practice, and most especially where my agency is concerned. But more so than that, I am practicing this principal in my everyday life as well, and I gotta tell ya, it sure feels good to know what I know and why I know it, and further, to daily permit myself to “just say no” now and again, rather than letting some people run me over with their chaos busses. Boundaries are superb my friends! They send a smokescreen into our atmosphere that reads …
Respect for human boundaries of any shape or form is implicit in the survival of our very souls. And for the record, with this post I do so hope that both “the colleague and the coach” fully realize the impact those six simple words have had on me.
Although I didn’t make a big deal today when you mentioned how much you loved this song, an actual chill ran down my spine and across my skin when you told me and just can’t say it enough! That song has so much meaning to me and I listened to it when I was at The Meadows the day before I came home. It was as though God Himself needed me to hear it so I could start to understand the way my own mind and heart were truly broken and sick. Believe it or not that song played a huge part in my ultimate decision to once and finally turn my life inside out and somehow attempt to rise above myself.
There’s a game life plays, makes you think you’re every thing they ever said you were.
You see, that’s how I got sick! The constant criticisms from grandma and grandpa, MY VERY OWN PARENTS (who, although you never knew it, were very much like your own), and unfortunately even your Dad? Those were the three people in this world that I loved, trusted, and counted on the most to validate and protect me from harm, yet the only way any of them seemed to know how to “love”, “accept”, or “validate” anyone was based on certain conditions being met.“If you do this you are bad, but if you don’t do that you are good!” “If you don’t follow our advice and do exactly as we say then we will wash our hands of and be done with you.” Seriously? IT’S SO FUCKING SCREWED UP! That’s not how love is supposed to work at all. If you really love someone, you just love them with no strings attached and no contingencies.
Was it life I betrayed for the shape that I’m in?
You and me Christian? We are BOTH our own worst enemies! Because we have both heard over and over and over again the “love you/hate you, you’re good/no, you’re bad” messages, now they play as negative tapes rolling repeatedly in the back of our minds such that neither of us know who the fuck we are anymore!
We sold our souls to their “works and deeds based affections” and the endless price tags they came with, and have now only failed ourselves by believing that “love” is only valueless bargaining chip people use to get what they want! And do you want to know what the saddest irony in all of this is? Somehow I believe that they do love me Christian, just as I believe they love you, too! None of them purposely set out to emotionally cripple or abuse us, but at the same time, even to this day they neither recognize or account for any of it! They all learned how to love from their own toxic family webs, so the Venom suit lives on! Your job now (as was mine the time I first heard this) is to “take some time and clear away everything you’ve planned”.
You have to retrain your brain and teach it to be kinder to YOU! We are surrounded by all these people Christian, who “love us the most in this world”, yet only with conditions. Love is not supposed to be this way, and it’s why you’re so mean to yourself Christian. You’ve been told so many times that “you’re a fuck up, a moron and a loser ” (but then five minutes later, “no, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean that”), that you literally don’t know who or WHAT you really are other than to say to yourself that you are “probably more bad than good”.
If I could change my life, be a simple kind of man, try to do the best I can. If I could see the signs, I’d derail every path I could. Now I’m about to die, won’t you clear away a path, give me strength to fly away.
You see, this is the part of the song! I knew it was going to hurt everyone, and most especially you and your sister, and that it also might cost me everything. But I truly was “about to die” if I couldn’t find that strength to clear my own path and finally “fly away”, so I had to make a choice. If I had done “the good, right, and unselfish thing” that your grandparents and dad kept guilting me towards and stayed in that toxic cycle with your dad, not only would it have ended up literally physically killing me, but sooner or later it would have irreparably damaged both my kids. So, I had to choose the lesser of two evils. I had to be “selfish”, choose ME, turn my life inside out, and therefore in my mind clear a better path for you and Gia.
Christian, I’m so glad you are seemingly opening your eyes to yourself and how you have became so angry, cynical, and untrusting. I’ve been praying to God every night since I left that house that some day you would understand why I had to leave! I don’t want either you or your sister somehow becoming me at age 40 and being hauled off to a facility with nothing but “wasted years” behind you. If I’d have known, understood, or realized even a shred of “me” at your age, 21, well who knows what could have been, right? The point is I don’t want you to spend too many more years being angry, broken and despising yourself. YOU’VE TORTURED YOURSELF ENOUGH! You have to find a way get out of your own way now and put down some of that heavy stuff so that you don’t end up driving yourself either crazy, dead, or ALONE! And I’m sorry for this “wall” of a text message but I love you so much and every day that goes by I believe you are getting closer to rising above yourself, too, and leading a happy and peace-filled existence. You and I have both learned the very hard way by now that life is too damn precious and fragile. No more “Wasted Years”, okay?
~ “BMITW”
WASTED YEARS
There’s a game life plays – makes you think you’re everything they ever said you were. I’d like to take some time to clear away everything I’ve planned. Was it life I’ve betrayed for the shape that I’m in? It’s not hard to fail, it’s not easy to win. Did I drink too much? Did I disappear? Well there’s nothing that’s left but wasted years. There’s nothing left but wasted years. If I could change my life I’d be a simple kind of man try to do the best I can. If I could take the sides, I’d derail every path I could. I’m about to die, won’t you clear away from me and give me strength to fly away? Was it life I’ve betrayed for the shape that I’m in? It’s not hard to fail, it’s not easy to win. Did I drink too much? Did I disappear? Well there’s nothing that’s left but wasted years. {Cold}
… that moment it was your first official day out of the house after a helpless fourteen straight days in bed and you’re now on a date with your husband, who after having spent that same fourteen days trying to do every little thing you usually do as a working wife and mother grabs your hands, looks you straight in the eyes and says:
Honey, I just wanted to say thank you! This last 14 days have opened my eyes and I have so much more appreciation for all the things you do to make all our lives happen yet make it look effortless. Now I understand who you are as a woman even more than I already thought I did. I honestly didn’t get it until now. I love you Catherine Williamson. Thank you for being my wife!
… then you fall back in love with him all over again and can’t even believe just how much you’ve been needing to have exact validation for going on 22 years. No, Zachariah … I love YOU … and I thank God for you “every day”!
Wow! Thanks a lot and now I’m in tears. I literally cannot remember the last time anyone other than my husband, sister, son or daughter have ever said such things to me. I know there are people who know “some of what I’ve been through” but not too many people will say the words. Okay so before this week is over I am going to send you what parts of The Diary I already have, but I still have so far to go. Everything about Zack and me is still too overwhelming for me to even begin to write about, although I’m sure the words will come to me just like all the rest have when it’s time.
I am so thankful for this season of change in my life. Yes, I do very much so believe that your brother would have wanted this for me, and also understand how this makes you feel closer to him. That’s how I felt during those first years after he left us when I was always in Louisiana with your Mother.
As far as Zack’s take on my deep bond to your family and my failure to somehow “with time” have Mitch “and that two years” just somehow fade away? It’s just something he has always understood and THIS is why he is who he is to me. He isn’t offended to live with my ghosts and he has genuinely embraced them with me. I am so lucky and I can’t say it enough. Not many men could do it! Peter certainly couldn’t! He didn’t get it at all, and to him Mitch was just “the guy she dated while we were divorced the first time who hit a brick wall on his motorcycle and died“. His response to my inability to let it all go was:
Well, just get over it. People die, I get that, but stop making it all about you! Be happy with your car, your house and all your Louis Vuitton bags and TAKE CARE OF MY KIDS please while I’m out here working so you can live in this house again and get to shop at Neiman Marcus however and whenever you want. Whahhh, you’re so mistreated Catherine! Get over your damn self!
That’s what Pete thought about me and Mitch. Do you see what I’m saying? But with Zack? Not so much. He cried when I told him about “that day and night” and has never ONCE failed to realize that just plays out loud in my head and often from out of nowhere, an when it does, he just holds me and cries with me all over again!He’s an angel, I’m telling you, he really is. Thanks for all you’ve said Tonya. I am so happy you’ll move to Texas one day. For real!
Are you, like me, one of those who believes that EVERY single thing, and I mean EVERY tiny little thing, happens for a reason and purpose much greater than we can even fathom? Just a few hours ago the absolutely unthinkable almost happened to me for second time in my life I might add and be it not for a few quirky little mishaps that materialized in the last 24 hours from literally out of nowhere and for no “apparent” reason I believe in my heart of hearts I might no longer be here to write this.
Last night, I broke my toe simply walking by a piece of furniture in the dark. Snapped that sucker all the way to the left YES, I DID, and right then and there was the icing on the really horrible cake I’d been choking down this entire week! If you’ve ever broken your toe by the way, you know there’s not really much to do about it other than to just “snap it back” in place, tape it to the next one then go on about your merry way. Meanwhile, today I had not one, but two empty new builds to stage for my husband’s subdivision, so, I really couldn’t sit around whining about my toe.
When I’m in full “staging mode”, nothing slows me down until I am finished, so while at my first staging I heard a “non-family” text alert coming from the bottom of one of my bins, I thought about not checking it, because I still lots to do, but for no good reason that I can explain, did go ahead and stop to dig the phone out from the bottom of the bin.
I looked at the text and saw that it was from a client friend about how excited she was for the impending closing on their new home. For a split second I did turn to put the phone back inside the bin but then I stopped and looked down at my aching foot which was now turning purple from stepping on it all morning and made the decision to sit at the foot of the stairs that lead to the second-floor story of this house, give my foot a rest for a minute and answer the text to my client. Just as I sat down to and began reply to her, I heard the front door of the house open but just assumed it was my husband coming from his model home up the street to check in or say hi, so I never even looked up from my phone. Once I did, however, I found myself surrounded by three very large men, two of whom were wearing hoodies, and NONE of whom had any business inside a vacant $500K home in Las Colinas, Texas.
I immediately realized what was probably about to happen, and although I’m not quite sure how I managed to get that text to my husband, because quite frankly I was adrenalin dumping with panic, I did:
PLEASE COME NOW! I think I’m in trouble. Strange men here. 911. NO JOKE!
From there I just tried making small talk with them, two of whom were still standing directly before me as I sat at the foot of the stairs and one of whom was looking through all my staging bins, wandering through the other rooms and looking out each of the windows. Before I knew it the one who had been looking out the windows nodded to one of the others and they all rushed quickly out the door. Evidently, he had seen my husband sprinting up the street from his model home!
So, what do you think? Random coincidence with the aching foot and goofy text from my client? NOPE I DO NOT THINK SO! I believe that we all have an angel that God has personally assigned to us and that my angel was maneuvering right alongside me all afternoon urging me to go against my natural propensity to “not stop, not sit and not get on my phone while I’m working”. Be it not for the fact that I just so happened to have dug that phone out of the bin then sat down to return that text, such that my fingers were literally on the phone less than thirty seconds before those men entered that that house, I would have either been brutally assaulted or even dead today.
My emotions are raw right now and I’m feeling both blessed and traumatized. So, I’m gonna take a hot bath, say some prayers of gratitude and maybe swallow an anxiety pill as well. I’ll also be letting my husband hold me for the rest of the night until I fall safely asleep so that I’ll hopefully move past all this nonsense in the morning. And as for you Mrs. Martin? OMG – LOVE YOU GIRL! Thank you for texting me when I was working. THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU! You can’t begin to imagine how grateful I am for you at this moment. I think YOUR angel must have been talking to MY angel this morning and you were supposed to call me.
After a lifetime of having absolutely NOTHING, both materially or otherwise, then the last FIVE years of unselfishly giving everything he did have away (like that time he emptied out his “new car savings fund” to pay for my daughter’s tuition to private school), Zachariah Lucas Williamson finally gets something JUST FOR HIM!
No one could deserve it more, and truth be told, after everything he’s gone through for the sake of me and mine without ever complaining or holding it over my head? He should have gotten a freaking Bentley! I’m so happy for my husband and so damn PROUD of him right now! And by the way, how’s THAT for ya “big brother and his wife” who have always “jokingly” referred to my husband as the “Zack Of Shit“? Today is the best day EVER!
Since about 7:00pm Dallas time last night, I’ve been in between “speechless” and “tears”, shaking my head with hand over mouth in complete and total disbelief. Please also know exactly how poignant, powerful, and meaningful the beyond thoughtful gesture was to my husband, as well.
Over the last few years, my “process” has taken me to some of the darkest and loneliest places. Hmm, wait, Stuart, did you happen to know this already? Lol. So, the search to find “me” was both tragic and beautiful, but yes, I did, indeed, “find me”. Along with everything else I’ve discovered about myself, I’ve also discovered that one of my purposes in this life is to reach out to the broken, lost, and shattered people that happen to cross my path and metaphorically wrap them in the big cozy blanket of knowing they are not at all alone. My heart literally aches when I see another human being suffering and wish I had a magic wand to just “bop” everyone through their healing.
There’s an organization here in Dallas called “Life Enrichment Boot Camp“. People who are struggling with mental wealth or relationship issues walk through the doors on a Wednesday night and leave a few days later feeling refreshed, renewed, and “free” from their emotional baggage. They learn to forgive those who have hurt them, and, most importantly, learn to forgive themselves for simply being human. It’s the same boot camp that I was literally dragged to about four years ago as a last ditch effort to help me pull my own head out of my ass, because even the finest of, err, “facilities” in this world didn’t quite get the job done. It was there at the camp where I began to truly find healing and “freedom” from my jaded past. Meanwhile, four years later, now I volunteer at this camp as often as I can and “give back” to the same system that help me save my own damn life.
That being said, I want you to know that for me, being at camp on those weeks isn’t always easy. . It takes everything I have to stand surrounded by a 100 or more people that often are only inches away from the same “Death’s Door” threshold that I was standing at when I walked into that boot camp. It drains the life out of me just about every time, because as I have already said, for whatever reason I, as a human being, and very much physically affected by other people’s pain. It’s quite overwhelming to hear the never-ending stories, tragedies, and traumas. By the time Saturday afternoon rolls around and all of the new-found joys and freedoms of the campers are ringing loud in the halls of the boot camp, I’m ready to just run out the doors, speed home as fast possibly, take a long, hot bath, crawl into bed, and literally hide underneath the covers until Sunday morning. That’s how much it wears me out! Still, for all the emotional energy it drains me of, the reward of knowing that I’ve helped change lives is worth every single tear I secretly shed for those people.
Imagine the irony, then, when Zack found that package at on doorstep last night. You see, this particular boot camp was tougher than usual, so, on my way home yesterday afternoon I couldn’t stop crying, and remember driving down the road and thinking to myself:
My gosh! Is any of this worth it? Will any of these people ever remember me? Will ANY of the people I’ve reached out to in my lifetime think of me one day and smile? Is anything that I’m trying to accomplish really going to matter, and will I have truly made a positive impression on even one human being’s life before I leave here?
Yes, indeed, this is the conversation I was having with myself when I was on the way home from boot camp. So, I got home from camp around 4pm yesterday, and the plan was “supposed to be” that I take a bath and a small nap so that when Zack got home at 7pm we could maybe catch a movie and a bite. Not to be! Once Zack called at 6 to say he was headed home, I told him that I’d had a very rough camp this time, that I was physically and emotionally drained, and that all I wanted was to stay in bed. In fact, I couldn’t even manage an appetite, so I asked if he minded to pick himself up something to eat for dinner. He patiently agreed, and an hour later walked into our bedroom (where I was STILL laying on the bed in the same clothes I wore to camp, because, again, I was literally too smashed to move or even take that much-awaited bath) and greeted me with the most beautiful arrangement of flowers, a big kiss, a hug, and a question.
Hey honey, did you know there’s a huge package for you at the front door?
A minute later he walks back into the room with this GINORMOUS package in his arms,
Um, honey, have you been shopping on the internet? This is from Ireland? Silver Hill Foods? Do you have any idea?
I sat up in the bed and my jaw hit the ground! WHAT THE HELL? I couldn’t speak! Literally, my jaw was stuck on the floor with BOTH my hands covering my mouth as I stood there physically stunned and immobile.
You have no idea what you’ve done! For the record, I was just kidding with that post! Really? You did this for me? Stuart and Helen, please know that with the exception of my husband and my children, no one has ever “done or given” to me in such a way as this. NEVER EVER EVER! Not in this way. And of all things in my life that I hold dearest? Yes, I am truly the girl who hid underneath a comforter (never as nice as these though) for so many years that I cannot even tell you. It used to be the only place I felt safe – “underneath a comforter”. I have always loved and craved that cozy, yummy envelopment, and NO WAY I will ever understand why you did this for me.
I will never forget this and I will never be able to properly show my gratitude. My husband even got a little teary-eyed, by the way. No one has ever done anything like this for him either!
You see, honey? You HAVE made some positive impressions on people, just like I’m always trying to tell you!
These gifts you have given me and my family are more valuable and priceless than even a bag full of gold, and we will treasure these for as long as we are alive on this earth. It’s not just “the blankets”, it’s the thought. Someone thought of ME this time! SOMEONE THOUGHT OF ME! I love you both dearly and thank you, thank you, thank you so much! We cannot wait for the day that either we are all in Ireland or you are all here in the States. Our humble home will always be yours when you are near Dallas here you will be treated like royalty!
Today it came to my attention that there is yet another human being in crisis, standing at what may be one of the most profound crossroads of her life. Let me preface by saying that she and I share a hugely strange, albeit deeply connected personal journey and story. How we happened into each other’s lives is nothing short of fate, and most definitely unbelievable. You see, she is my son’s “ex”, an amazing and beautiful young soul who sufficed to say I love very much. “She is me” and “I am her” with 24 years between us, and just as the personal journey I’ve been on has kept me in constant backward motion to, irony of all ironies, about 24 years ago when the first signs of my deeply complicated and broken condition began to show through the cracks in my facade, likewise it seems she’s now heading towards the enlightenment phase of her own personal journey in not quite her 20th year. I could wax poetic as to all the ways she and I were destined to collide into each other this way at VERY moment in time, but even with all my words would fail to give credence to the story.
So, yes, she and I are both at a crossroad: She’s falling forward, and I’ve been falling backwards. I have had the opportunity the “me” in her that I could have been had I discovered my self-portrait much sooner, and likewise she the opportunity to look ahead with her ringside seat to my life and perhaps avoid some of my pitfalls. She has discovered the first elusive piece that rests in the center of “her” (the same exact piece it took me 40 plus years to find) and tragic truths about her childhood. With brutal amounts of self-discovery and honesty, mountains of “heart” work, faith, determination, and support, she now can complete her own self-portrait much sooner than I was able to. She’s 24 years ahead of my curve!
So, how does all this correlate to “Keeping Score With the Joneses”? Tonight, she posted this on Facebook:
… I keep getting disappointed but I’m not lowering my expectations.
Good girl! Follow your heart! Listen to the voice of your far too wise beyond years intuition! Her post fetched many words of wisdom and “support”, not the least of which was this:
Just keep the expectations low. When people follow through it will seem like they over delivered, win win.
Okay, I get where they were going with that. But then again, not so much. So, I said this:
Well, rather than “lowering” your expectations, why not instead identify “how, who and why” you ever arrived at them in the first place. When we are young, we learn to set our expectations in accordance with the ones we first saw setting their own and then end up running in “shoes that don’t quite fit” and keep wondering why we fall. The ability to make our own expectations much healthier and right for ourselves is a miracle. When you get there, build firm boundaries around those expectations and protect them with everything inside you.
Yes, that’s it! Introspect is powerful. Clarity is beautiful. They’re freeing, amazing, creative AND the beginning of the best parts of our lives. I’m guessing I’ve known this principal all the while and have been slowly heading towards it, but tonight it finally bubbled to the surface and now I’ve truly “defined it”. I cannot help but recognize certain things in people, and I see pieces of myself in everyone. With that, my heart and arms are now wide open, and I will no longer hoard all these wisdoms. Right or wrong, they are meant to be shared, because just as we have all heard that “hurt people hurt people”, I believe that “healed people heal people”.
Hmm. I think I’ve also discovered that this grand reveal may also tie into my real estate business. Some of you may know that deciding to get a real estate license has been a journey for me as well, and if I have learned nothing in the fledgling stage of my agency, it’s that client relations is a pretty tough gig that only the strong can survive. The human state of mind and its accompanying “expectations” are literally all over the place, so, I’m sure I’m not the only agent who has wondered on many occasions,
How in the HELL am I going to do this? Nothing is ever good enough. and no one ever seems to really be happy with a single thing anyone does for them! What ever happened to that EPIC, age-old adage: YA GET WHAT YA GET, AND YA DON’T THROW A FIT! …
Don’t we all really want The Sun, The Moon, and The Stars? We want what we want, no matter the cost, and lo and behold, we MUST have it! It doesn’t matter who we step on or the backs we break to achieve our heart’s desire (sometimes even our own), because we want what we want and that is that! Yes, sirs and ma’ams, I am here to tell you that I of all people once had my own bar set so high that there was no way WAY anyone was ever going to reach it, either for me or with me. I’d created a set of personal goals that were tantamount to nothing less than death.
You see, I was raised in a “works and deeds” based value system, where neither affection, approval, pride, or affirmation were freely given, but rather, they had to be “earned”. With that, not even the Joneses were good enough to keep up with:
Go higher, run faster, do better, accumulate more, work until your dead, and oh yah, he with the most ‘stuff’ wins!
In the meantime, if you happen to fall short of what the world expects you to achieve, never let them see you fall! After all, perception is everything, and “what will people think”? Holy shit! OMG again:
Just keep expectations low. When people follow through it will seem like they over delivered, win win.
Now why did that statement not sit so well with me? It’s because that’s what I, too, used to say to my own self in some cop-out attempt to pre-excuse falling short of the bar that I wasn’t even sure why I wanted set so high.
Let’s all chase our own dreams, folks, not somebody else’s! What’s right for one may not be right for the other, and guess what? THAT’S OKAY! More than that, even the Joneses have cracks in their storybook, dreamlike, lollipops and rainbows foundations. Just lift the roof and look inside the homes of even the most seemingly perfect “Joneses” and you may find that they are struggling too! Let’s give ourselves a break folks, and maybe even each other! As long as we’re not all living under bridges, we’ll survive!
Unconditional love, compassion, and empathy for the human condition is 100% free of charge, and nope, you certainly don’t need a 3.25% interest rate over 30 years to afford all the things you really “need’! Sometimes, less is truly more, and I say this to you having lived on both sides of that coin. I once was “a Jones” who lived in my own bright and shiny palace, with, you guessed it, nothing but what otherwise seemed to be lollipops and rainbows surrounded me. I refused to let anyone see the cracks in my own foundation, because “OMG, what would people think if they knew the truth?”
So, I lived with the lies and the perpetuated the farce that I created to protect not only my image, but my family’s. Meanwhile, none of that “stuff” would have done me a damn bit of good had I ended up resting in the heart of a graveyard six feet beneath my own oblivion. So, I let all the “stuff” go and figured out what I REALLY wanted and needed, and as it turned out, it wasn’t quite what the rest of the “Joneses” would have expected. As it turns out, once I finally figured all this out, some pretty good “stuff” (and by “stuff”, I do not just mean “stuff”) is coming right back to me, only, now, I appreciate it even more! It seems as though the less I want, the more I get, and nope, I’m not even lying!
Oh, and one last thing …
By no means am I saying that it’s bad or wrong to want a bunch of “stuff”. It is, after all, human nature, and uh, YAH, sometimes “stuff” is fun! What I am proposing is that we all think long and hard before deciding what we want and WHY we want it before we hit the ground running a race that may or may not worth be running when it is all said and done. After all, we sure can’t take any of it with us, now, can we? So, let’s just stop keeping score with all those Jonses? Just sayin’.
This Friday, Zack and I closed escrow on a brand new house for a dear friend and client. At almost 50, this GODLY, Nigerian man from London, England who’d been saving every penny for years finally got himself a piece of the “American dream”! There are no words to describe the look of pride, accomplishment, and gratitude on his face at the last signed closing document, as if he couldn’t believe what he’d just done. He was like a little boy sitting in front of a tower of presents on Christmas morning! It was hard for me not to cry, but indeed I resisted, because this was his moment, not mine. He’d been living at his brother’s since having arrived from London three years ago. He’s a simple man of meager means, but after the closing Zack said to him:
So, when’s the big move? Can we arrange to get a truck or help in any way?
Oh, no truck necessary, friend. With the exception of my mattress and a small bedside table, everything I own will fit in my car.
Wait! What? You don’t have anything?
Oh, please don’t worry! My God has blessed me with a brand new house with a brand new roof to keep me warm and dry, and I have PLENTy of food to eat. I have the rest of my life to fill my beautiful new home with all the “things” I know God will provide.
With that, Zack and I both left feeling sick to our stomachs and wishing we had a million dollars to just zap him a home filled with “things”. Later that day, Zack shared the situation with his best friend, Rick, who generously gifted our client with a beautiful dinette. Such a blessing! So, we picked it up and headed to Tony’s with the surprise. He answered the door of his very empty house – and when I say empty – I mean empty! 1,700 empty square feet, except for the mattress on the floor in his bedroom, some blankets, pillows, a nightstand, two lamps, some pots, pans and some dishes.
Meanwhile, can I just tell you how genuinely happy this man is for all that he has been given? He said, “I’m not missing a thing”, and let me assure you that he meant it! He is just as content with his mattress on the floor as any of us would be with so much more.
Those of you who know me well know the some of the struggles I’ve overcome, not the least of which is that I was once a girl who had every “thing” a girl could want, yet still had nothing at all. I walked away from the life of a princess in hopes of finding not only myself, but more so than that, the truth. I didn’t quite get to the point where I had to live under a bridge, I do now know how it feels to be “homeless and broke”. More importantly, however, I now know what it means to “lose much but gain all“. I am SO beyond grateful for every single “thing” I have in my once again flourishing life, both tangible and intangible, and I thank God every single second of every single day for every breath that I am given.
Ironically, this client of ours is a clerk at the dry cleaner we patron. Not once in the years that I’ve known him has he failed to greet me with a smile. “How are you this blessed day my dear Catherine?” He watched my life go from better, to worse, to “EVERYTHING”! First, I’d rolled up in a hundred thousand dollar car, encrusted with diamonds, to an old Ford pick-up truck worth $500 bucks at most, and me just barely hanging on. All the while he was such an encouragement to me – always kind, always positive, and always reminding me to “keep my eyes upon the Cross and remember what’s most important … MY God, my health and my family”!
The day I passed my Texas real estate exam, I just so happened to stop by the dry cleaners on the way home. After my Husband, Sister and Son, he was the fourth human being I told, “I DID IT”! He literally almost cried tears of joy for me!
YOU SEE! I TOLD YOU YOU COULD DO IT! YOU HAD NOTHING TO FEAR BUT FEAR ITSELF!
And a few weeks later when I got finally got my business cards? Yup! You guessed it! I happened to stop by the cleaners! He was the first human being who I ever handed my card to! I truly believe this man is an angel in my life, and we are SO blessed to now call him friend and “family”!
Okay, so I’m a wee bit of a neat freak. Some call it “OCD”. Sufficed to say, though, that I can organize things, thoughts, and even peopleright out of my life when necessary. It’s one of my perfect flaws, which, by the way, is NOT something I’m proud of. To the contrary, I tend to compartmentalize things I don’t know what to do with into neat little piles of oblivion that rest either in my own mind or, as in the case of “the bag that was in a bag that was in a bag inside a bag”, has, at times, been my greatest downfall.
Sunday, I was on the highest shelf in my tiny, temporary closet rooting around looking for something. A few unzips into an old gym bag that I used to contain all the other bags I didn’t want to get rid of, yet didn’t know what else to do with, and I was inside a smaller bag that belonged to Mitch. I had completely forgotten to remember that it had been inside my “bag of bags” for going on 13 years. As I unzipped it and slipped my hand in to grab the first thing I could see, I found myself giggling as I remembered the conversation we’d had about it on the day he had finally decided it was time for me to have some of space in his drawers and closets:
Baby, THIS right here is your new best friend! Why, you ask? Because she’s MY best friend! Why is THAT you ask? Because, when the hair looks good, Daddy is happy, and when Daddy is happy, you’ll be happy! She gets the center drawer right here … but you get ALL the rest!
It’s too bad that I can’t “type” the deep, drawn, sexy French-Cajun boy inflections that were his voice, and also TOO damn bad that I can’t “type” how he was standing there in the bathroom that morning holding that damned blow dryer in his hands! Mitch was all about “the stance” and there was just “that way that he stood” when he was talking about something that was important to him – kinda like, back leg straight, one hip up, other leg crooked out in front. Nah, words aren’t doing it justice. Anyhow, I digress. There are still pieces of his hair caught in the back of it, and the cord was STILL wrapped around the handle and tucked in “just this way”, because that’s how he always did it. OMG, he was so OCD! We were so much alike for so many reasons. There was something sweet and often unspoken about all the ways we understood one another.
So, this is what I am thankful for …
I am thankful that I have grown, recovered, survived, and “moved on” just enough so that I can now open some of my old bags of thoughts and laugh, not cry. Time truly can heal all wounds, and yes, there is a reason that God never lets us forget the memories He knows we’re gonna need, and even sometimes smile and laugh about before it’s all said and done, no matter how much we beg and plead for Him to just “erase them all from our mind” when they hurt too much to remember!
THIS is the moment we’d been hoping, waiting, working, saving, and PRAYING for!
Our First REAL Family Vacation!
It was a complete and total surprise for Bug this morning when woke her up to a fully packed suitcase and a trip to the airport wherein we blindfolded her upon arrival so she wouldn’t be able to figure out where we were going. Until, that is, we boarded the plane and the amazing flight attendant who we’d made our partner in this crime showed up at our seats and handed her THE GOLDEN MOUSE EARS! It was one of THE most magical moments of our lives!
We planned it for this week to celebrate both our birthdays, but I actually managed to surprise him with a secondary excursion down to Tangelo Park so we could scratch off one of his Bucket List: HE WANTED TO SWIM WITH DOLPHINS!
A very special thanks to both my mom and sister and “the man who raised my husband”, Rick Scauzillo. Without all of your true generosity, we wouldn’t have been able to do this. We are overwhelmed and blessed!
It’s no big secret to anyone who knows us that when Zack and I first got married at our friends’ home in Sachse, Texas, on November 1, 2010, not only were we broke, but we were also actually in arrears. My wedding gift to him? A beaten down, mentally challenged, badly disfigured “not quite employable” ME with over $30K in debt, a car I couldn’t afford, two kids, and a father who HATED him”. So, our “honeymoon” that night of our theatre room marriage was a trip through a drive-through and him carrying me over the threshold of our “palace”! It wasn’t until now, after a full year has passed, and due largely in part to the financial contributions of the only real “father” he’d ever known, Rick Scauzillo, that we were finally able to take our much-deserved honeymoon.
When we first started talking about where we wanted to go, it was his idea to take me back to New England so that he could see that beloved place I was once lucky enough to call home. It meant the absolute world to me that not only did he want to take me there, but even more so that he absolutely loved it! We flew into Boston and rented a car, then drove all the way to the tip of Maine and back down the coastline that eventually landed us in Providence. He truly “wanted to see it all and not leave anything out”, so that is what we did! Though we were still not off the ledge of “pretty much kinda broke” it was one of the richest times of our lives!
I’m holding on to white balloons, up against a sky of doom … tell me you see them … ‘cause what’s inside of me is invisible to most … even in clear view. I’m sending out a signal to the possibility of you … ‘cause right at this moment. I know you are connected to a part of me that I don’t even know myself. The changes in me are likely to be like the weather … stormy and clear … strength into fear bound together. But I’ll break my silence if I believe that you and me could ever be more than just what’s been behind us.
I desperately want to learn how to live in the rest of every moment I’m lucky enough to have here on this Earth until the day finally comes, hopefully many years from now, I can move on ahead to what is undoubtedly going to be the most peaceful place of all with a soul that is as light and free as a fistful of white balloons.
I’m just so tired that I can hardly even cry anymore, but the more I do, the better I feel, so I suppose I’m gonna just have to keep doing it. The four of you deserve the best Catherine Williamson that I can possibly manage to become, and one who is so much better and stronger than the one you’ve had so far. I know that I can do this … I HAVE NO OTHER CHOICE! I cannot lose another thing or sacrifice one more moment for the sake of all these broken pieces I’ve been stubbornly clinging on to in some fruitless attempt to just “put them all back together”. Maybe they weren’t meant to be “put all back together”, but instead, I just need to try to understand them, be okay with it if I can’t, then sort through and rearrange what’s left into a totally different thing instead of trying to hide them.
God? Can You still hear me? I know you don’t make garbage, that everything is Your perfect design, and therefore, so am I! Please forgive me for yet again forgetting what I’ve already known for so long, and help me, once again, to move along. Please, God? For me, for my children, and this living king on Earth you put on my path … I needto find my way back to me again before I lose even one more wasted year. I know I’m still your daughter, but I want to be your favorite one.
… With A Beautiful Soul!Inspired and humbled to learn so much from a child not yet 20 years old who I am lucky enough to know and have grown to love and cherish, who spent “family dinner” with us last night while back home in Dallas and just about to head back to Cambridge to his sophomore year at HARVARD! (And did I mention that he did this with EVERY possible roadblock facing him?)
This is a small excerpt from a conversation we had, which in and of itself could have reduced me to tears had the circumstances been a little different. Actually, it was the last thing on my mind before I drifted off to sleep last night and first thing on it when I was LUCKY ENOUGH to wake up!
How dare I complain about all the things I don’t have! I am SUCH an ass!
I am beyond ashamed of myself for my OWN lack of gratitude for some of the many gifts and opportunities I was simply GIVEN over the course of my lifetime thus far, some of which I squandered away, and many of which I did NOT appreciate at all. All of this has further allowed me to firm up a much healthier perspective as to the state of my own life and the direction that it’s going …
So Rossi, what’s it like, standing on the campus I mean? How did it feel on your first day?
Ethereal really. Had to keep pinching myself, sometimes still do, and ask, “What? Do I really actually belong here”? (Yes he DOES by the way!)
Well how’s the food, your room, the surroundings? What’s it like there?
Well, I find the food quite palatable actually. So nice that I even have food to eat – and so many different varieties to choose from! Very nice! And my dorm room? Well I have a bed now – for many years I have slept on a couch so that my little brother could actually have the bed in our place! I hear lots of my classmates “complaining” about their accommodations quite a bit, but I can’t comprehend it. I suppose some of them have never really known what it’s like to go without. So then yes, my room is small, but I say it’s “cozy”. The bed is so comfy, there’s a nice little desk and a fairly comfortable chair to sit in. Hey, I’M AT HARVARD! I’m alive and healthy and happy! What on earth is their to complain about?
So then Rossi, my love, as for your text to me last night that, “You made today awesome for me. Thank you.” No, kiddo, you made today awesome for ME! With the ATTITUDE OF GRATITUDE you properly burdened both myself AND my perspective with last evening, I say thank YOU! I love you so much, you amazing and beautiful human being! I’m so very proud of you and to know you!
Well, hello there stranger! I hope this quick note finds you very well! As I was wrapping up the last of our wedding / real estate announcements, I had a final thought: I should send one to Steven! Please understand that this announcement is NOT a solicitation of real estate business from you, but rather, the icing on a cake that you played a huge part in baking.
You’re a very good counselor Steven, and although we probably should have spent more time together, I have come to believe over the last two years that somehow by the time I’d made it to your office many of the answers I was looking to you for were already right here inside of me if not punching me smack dab in the face. Timing was everything for that season of my life and after all I’d already been through and brought upon myself over the years I feel as though I was right there on the edge of my own breakthrough!
Although you may not have thought or believed it, as I was then, still am, and will probably ALWAYS be a bit stubborn in taking anyone else’s advice, which I know is one of my greatest downfalls, I did absolutely receive every word that you said to and somehow digested, processed and used them all as a means to building my new “toolbox” of coping, living and relational skills. Simply stated: Although I combatted you all the way I took everything you said and eventually put it into practice!
Zack and I are doing well. You should know that we’re in a safe, secure, and openly communicative partnership that I believe will stand the test of time. Three years later and he’s still yet to raise his voice to me, chastise, criticize, belittle or fail to support me in every little thing I think, say or do, and more so than that he still hasn’t thrown “me” in my face! He’s a good man with a rare and true heart of gold and I do not believe that he has that propensity in him at all. We get along very well and our marriage peaceful and fulfilling. I am still very much in love with him, as is he with me, and we are growing forward as a couple every day!
As for everyone else? “He” is still “Him”. Not much has changed there and unless I am totally missing something there are no “major breakthroughs” for Him thus (although I am still praying for that every night). Although I am very happy in my new life there is still and will always be a part of me that will not be completely at peace until the day that I see He is. I have a great deal of compassion for Him and have learned to be very patient where He is concerned to the best of my ability. He’s an imperfect human being, just as we all are, and I take each dealing with Him for what it is worth … very important. He may be an asshole sometimes but guess what? That man gave me a combined total of seventeen years of the best possible version of Himself he possibly could, along with three beautiful babies (yes even the “littlest one” that only stayed a few hours is and will always be the tiny, beautiful angel I carry on my shoulder). He is who He is and is either going to be okay one day or not. There is nothing I can do for Him any longer other than, as I said, keep on praying that one day He sees The Light.
As for the kids? Christian just graduated from Jesuit and got himself into SMU, Baylor, TCU and a few other really good schools. We’re still not sure where he’s going at this point, but he was just signed to a fun and crazy modeling contract with this big agency downtown and they are supposedly planning to make him a star! Lol, we’ll see about that! He’s a very good kid with a shattered heart just like his mom and therefore a bit rough around the edges at times. I have nothing but faith in him though and believe in my heart that somehow eventually he will have some “major breakthroughs” of his own and rise above himself to an incredible life. And Gia? She’s a tiny, rotten, amazingly wonderful complicated “beautiful disaster” as Zack has since renamed her … just like her mother! She’s a very short carbon copy of me, and well, um, wish me luck with all of that! We’re gonna have our hands full with her in all the best possible ways! I got this though, trust me! My daughter will not leave my nest without the proper tools in her toolbox as well and I refuse to have her end up at The Meadows like I did! Nope! Not gonna happen!
As for Me? As you can see I did finally go back to school and finished up those last few hours of school! I’ve got my Texas Real Estate license now alongside my husband I’m a locked and loaded producing agent here in Collin County! We’re both very excited with all the possibilities and looking forward to succeeding in this venture. I know I can do this and WILL! As you can also see I have also included with this letter my two “other business” cards! I finally got my hand-painted “trash to treasure” jeans business off the ground, just as I said I would, and that’s what I am doing in the background to help support my husband’s many efforts to make a “suitable and stellar life for us” in real estate!
See also my “Boot Camp” card! Yes sir, indeed, I’m still VERY MUCH a part of that Life Enrichment Boot Camp you sent me to in an ironic “last ditch effort” to help me. Imagine that! The one thing you thought wouldn’t work for me was the one thing that actually worked. Go figure! I’m just about to celebrate two years with the group, and Steven, I can’t thank you enough for sending me thereabove all the many other things you did to help me while I was thwarting you at every turn! LEBC has been a blessing and a gift to not only myself but to so many of the people I know and love. THAT’S WHERE I HAD MY MOMENT! Well, one of them, right? Lol. Lest we forget Jason’s Deli, France itself, Adoram and Henrik! But I’ve digressed. Lol. (See? Some things will NEVER change with me!) Boot Camp is where I started putting all my little broken pieces back together by ultimately realizing that in order to live a full and healthy productive adult life I first had to learn to “forgive” – not only those that have hurt me over the years but most importantly, myself. This is my mantra now: I am a human. I’ve been broken. I’m imperfect. Always was. Always will be. BUT IT’S OKAY … I’m forgiven! Now I have to keep rising above it!
Well that’s it then! Pat yourself on the back a bit! You may not have thought so but you did a good job, and I mean that from the bottom of my salvaged heart! Please wish me the best as I continue into my future and as well I shall wish you the same! Thank you for everything and I am SO beyond sorry that I almost drove you to the brink of your own insanity with mine! Please never doubt yourself in your profession. You are very good at what you do … it’s patients like ME that are your problem. Lol! Take care Steven …
Catherine (a/k/a “Hell On Wheels”)
WHERE DO I BEGIN
I [could] see the time I’d wasted and my life [was] passing by. It [was] so hard to keep on living tryin’ to keep this dream alive. [Tried] to tell myself it was worth it, but the words never come out. ‘Cause I [wanted to] find the truth. So, tell me now? Where do I begin? I was lost at the edge of dying in a world so cold. Where do I begin? Now I’m alive I can see I’m ready to be on my own. One more step to take before it’s too late. I just wanna reach the end. So where do I begin? [Held] my breath and [kept] on searching for a life I hadn’t found ’cause I [wanted] to know the truth. So, tell me now? Where do I begin? All the regrets I’d kept inside (I’ll let them go). And all the things I never tried (I’ll let them go). I won’t rest until I see (the truth in me). I need it. {Sick Puppies}
The Diary Of My Perfection 