Imagine trying to explain white to someone who has never seen black. You cannot have any experience without its opposite. LIGHT ONLY EXISTS BECAUSE OF DARKNESS. Joy is meaningful because we know sorrow. Love is precious because we understand loneliness. The ancient Chinese called it Yin and Yang. Not opposing forces, but two sides of one reality. We’ve been taught that life is about eliminating the negative, but that’s like trying to have mountains with only peaks and no valleys. It misses the whole point. Your darkest moments aren’t punishments, they are what give meaning to your brightest ones. Without winter, spring wouldn’t feel like a miracle. The goal isn’t to escape darkness, but to dance with both light and shadow. What if your struggles aren’t the enemy of happiness, but the very thing that makes happiness possible?
… and once you fully understand and adopt this core value into your way of thinking, your life and perceptions about almost everything will change. If you dig into his philosophies, you’ll find they have a profound way of permanently rooting themselves deep within your psyche and opening your mind to wisdoms and ideals you never even knew existed and reframing your thoughts to get the most out of your daily reality. For the record, I have long since added Mr. Watts to my “Lucky Charms List” of people I’ve had most wanted to sit and have a bowl of cereal with while discussing life.
Note that the original pictures she’d posted were much brighter and vibrant than the ones above, but I chose to edit them with a darker filter so the quotes would show up better. I’ve posted her original pics below so you can really appreciate them! Thank you SO much, Jeanie Gontier, for not just giving me permission to use them this way, but even more so for taking them in the first place. You, my dear, are my kind of people!
I’d been meaning to find the FURfect time to share this astounding news, but I’m officially an official SQUoctologist with a SQUoctorate from the illustrious and SQUEXTREMELY competitive and if not impossible to get into Squirrel State University! Oh, don’t worry kids! Just because I’m a SQUoctor now, it doesn’t mean I can’t still relate to those who aren’t in the SQUmmunity with me and other SQUarents.
By the way, SQUank you very much to my dear friend Christy and her daughter, my nieclet, Princess Josilyn Aneal for not only helping me track down my diploma months ago, but SQUalerting me to the previously unknown SQUact that today is SQUIRREL APPRECIATION DAY! I love you both so much! MUAH!
FUR the record and in case you didn’t know yet, YES! Yes, i FURRY much DO love this little girl pictured below! She and her family have brought more true joy to my life this last year than I can even put into words. Lol! There’s a reason I decided to call her page “The Daily Dose Of Vivienne”, because she’s LITERALLY a natural! It’s nearly impossible to be in a bad mood with her in my window!
Unfortunately, I simply didn’t have the bandwidth to blog out something “fresh and new” for my Gina Marie’s 22nd birthday, and I’d be lying if I didn’t say that I’m having a really, really, REALLY hard time these days. As a matter of fact, it’s the first time in all her prior birthdays I’ve NEVER missed a beat that I don’t have a basket to take to her grave. Honestly? I’m not even sure I’m going to her grave today. I’m not a “steel magnolia” at the moment … I’m beyond fragile … especially as I’m writing this with the “January 11th” waves all but consuming me. “This too shall pass”, I know this all too well, but as for now …
I’m sure your messages are blowing up right now with this song – but – I just wanted to say thank you. If only you knew how long I’ve been holding back the flood that finally spilled out when I heard this song the night before last. Fifty fucking six years worth! I’ve been carrying the weight of everyone else’s darkness in the wake of not just my late husband’s suicide 6.5 years ago, but a lifetime’s worth of my own before that. Everyone thought I was the strongest bitch alive. I did too. Today, my therapy went from one hour to three and she “almost” sent me to a hospital because I CANNOT stop crying everything out. The thing is, IT NEEDED TO COME OUT this way! So, yah. Thank you. See you when you’re out on the road one day and I’ll probably be the oldest person at your shows, but fuck it! Oh, and I’m so truly sorry for whatever it is that happened in YOUR life that led you to alchemize the perfect storm of these words. I’m also glad you lived to tell about it, because I cannot be the only one who’s found a lifetime’s worth of their missing puzzle pieces in these lyrics.
“I’m writing this in case I’m gone tomorrow“, because although you may have never met me, I want you to know that these are the kind of things that brightened up my greys and mattered to me the most. They’re amongst the many Earthen treasures “I’ve borrowed” (as they were never mine to keep in the first place), so, I’m sharing them with you in this “virtual love letter” I’ve been writing to you for years now. I hope you’ll enjoy reading about not just him, but the many other beautiful beings I’ve truly loved, enjoyed, cherished, and admired along the way. And remember … “Animals are people, too”!
Craig was an Amboseli National Parklegend, one of Africa’s last great super tuskers, and one of the most photographed elephants in the world. He was known world-wide for his magnificent, ground-sweeping tusks, and calm, majestic presence, and lived a long, protected life before passing away of natural causes today. His legacy will live on through his calves, beloved caretakers, all who were lucky enough to witness him in person, and everyone else like me who had the privilege of getting to know him through social media.
A Kenyan elephant believed to have been one of Africa’s largest male tuskers has died of old age. The pachyderm, fondly known as Craig, died of natural causes on Saturday morning at Amboseli National Park in southern Kenya, conservationists confirmed. “Craig had just turned 54 years old. He led a long life and no doubt fathered many calves,” said the Amboseli Trust for Elephants in its farewell message. Famed for his long tusks, Craig the elephant was a major attraction at the park near the Tanzanian border. In 2021, he was named an ambassador for the popular Kenyan lager brand Tusker – a name also used for adult male elephants with tusks. The Kenya Wildlife Service described Craig as an “icon” of successful conservation.
Not only are my monsters real, indeed, and trained oh, so very well, I’m not sitting here trying to fool anyone into believing they’re not right beneath my skin and pulsing through my bones. Am I proud of them? NOPE! But am I fucking proud that I am NOT like the mass of “others” walking the face of this planet wearing “sparkly, shiny, beautiful ” masks and disguises? YOU BET YOUR EFFING ASS I AM!
Meanwhile, me, myself, and all my pets have found THE safest home we will possibly ever know in this sanctuary I call “I”! As a matter of fact, we’ve even hung pictures and curtains in here and decorated with flowers and skulls! Besides, we don’t ever fall in love with people because they’re “good”, now do we? No! We only ever truly fall in love with people whose monsters from the dark side we can clearly see, recognize, and even walk beside of as they’re taking them out for a stroll. So, as for now, I guess I’ll just have to keep on loving all of me … the good, the bad, and the ugly! Guess what, people? IT’S ALLOWED! Happy Birthday, Sir Anthony, by the way, and shout out to this epic song that has become the voice of so many of the voiceless adult children who grew up in haunted houses and no fucking clue as to how to go about repairing the shattered MESS their parents left scattered across their floors.
“It’s turning out great, right? My homemade ‘kitchen flowers’ make me so happy every week!”
her:
“It’s really pretty this time, mom. Plus, it’s hydrangeas AND lillies, BOTH our favorites! But I have a question. Daddy always sends you flowers, so, why do you need to buy your own?”
me (heart SWELLING):
“Because daughter, WHY NOT? I decided years ago to stop waiting for the world and people in it to “bring me my happy” and get out there and start bringing it to MYSELF! It’s especially important for moms to treat themselves kindly when they can, because it’s a very hard job and sometimes the things moms do and give tend to go unnoticed or recognized, often unintentionally. Life happens and people get busy – ESPECIALLY most daddies – so, moms have to remember to appreciate and value themselves regardless of who else remembers. You’ll always be able to make and find your OWN joy in life, as long as you’re willing to search for it. So, I want you to promise me that when you grow up you’ll treat YOURSELF to flowers often … because … YOU CAN and you DESERVE IT!”
her:
“Mommy? I am SO gonna do that AND have this same talk with your granddaughters one day! We’ll start trend in our family called ‘get yourself some flowers, girl’!”
me:
“You just made my day, Gia! I’ve been WAITING for you to notice that I buy myself flowers and finally ask me why! Now that you know, I really, REALLY hope that someday when you have a house of your own and I stop by to visit that I’ll see ‘homemade kitchen flowers’ on your counter from YOU to YOU!”
So, umm, exactly how many stoic quotes from a bunch of dead philosophers can you throw at us in this Diary, Cat?
AS MANY AS IT TAKES!
Although all these dead guys are, indeed, DEAD, that their wisdoms have survived the test of time only proves their modern relevancy. We live in a world chock full of black and white thinkers who think in extremes without even trying to consider the MANY different facts, angles, and perspectives of a situation. Umm, hi, there! Not only did I use to be one of them, such rigidity was almost my downfall! The ancient philosopher mindsets, however, continue to remind us about the many beautiful shades of grey in this all.
Meanwhile, if I can change, YOU can change! I am, after all, the embodiment of survival of the fittest. I’ve “adapted, overcome, bent, twisted and SURVIVED” by refusing to just keep standing there rigid and stubborn as FUCK while life’s wolves tried to devour me.
CHANGES
Changes … time’s making changes in my life. Rearranging … can’t seem to stop the hands of time. I remember … I was so young … I was much too young to see. Now I’m older … growing older … and I see things differently. Faces .. strange faces cloud my mind. Empty traces … make it hard for me to find. Somewhere in the distance, is there Someone who awaits for that moment I am taken over by the hands of fate? Oh, can’t you see? It’s changing you and me. Time’s makin’ changes. Time’s makin’ changes in my life. Times rearranging … it’s changing you and me. {Tesla}
In closing, I would now like to drop a link to one of the spirit animals of my music life whose birthday is today. It is, perhaps, THE greatest soliloquy to all the odd ones out there who are either hiding in plain sight, or running around like a hot pink gift bag. May it live on in eternally through the freed hearts, souls, and minds of those of us who boldly reflect it and no longer live inside the prison walls of “general consensus”.
If, like me, you are an out loud and proud, never intended to be mass-produced, original prototype FREAK of designed by The Master’s hand who has not yet heard this gem … ENJOY! If, on the other hand, you’re wrestling with yourself inside a plain brown boring box because it either doesn’t fit, is fucking boring, or you just know you were meant for something better than a cookie cutter human experience … may the words to this ode to my family of one and only’s become your new mantra and fight song as you find the courage to BURST the fuck out of the norm and into the first and BEST edition of YOU! We’ll be waiting for you with our “Open! Open! Open!” neon lights on, and, yes, we will reflect you, too!
… and here’s to all you other “Blue Moons” like me who are running around out there just decking out other peoples’ atmospheres with your mere EXISTENCE which is, indeed, the GIFT of a dream come true that most people never knew they needed! WE are the pattern alterers, my beautiful Odd One friends! WE ARE THE BLUE MOON GIFTS!
Girl, the BEST days of your life … have YET to come!
Dear “Every Woman Out There Who’s Been Avoiding Stepping Into Your OWN Reign With Your OWN Tiara For Years And Years And Years And YEARS, To The Point Of Near Suffocation, If Not Death”:
Haven’t you held your breath and your tongue long enough? Why are you holding yourself back? There’s still SO much for you to say … but it’s NOT too late to run … no … walk … turn away quietly and just WALK away like a QUEEN! As for all those shadows you have cast? Guess what? FUCK the shadows, because YA CAN’T HAVE SHADOWS WITHOUT LIGHT! The light is there already, by the way, but ya might need to close your eyes to see it! All the best days of your life truly have yet to come … not the least of which is the one you get to CHOOSE to have as soon you’re done reading this. After all, you’re STILL here, right? So? OPEN UP AND SEIZE IT! No, you DON’T owe anybody ANYTHING … but you DO owe it to yourself, your GOD, and ANY other women in your halo to get out there and LIVE YOUR LIFE ANYWAY YOU PLEASE … NO APOLOGIES!THESE are the only promises left for you to keep:
Close the door … and close your eyes … but DON’T close yourself off to everything that’s still left for you to see and try! I know you’re afraid … and THAT’S OKAY … but, hey! Look at me! If I can do this, YOU can do this! Your QUEENDOM is calling you!
It’s “World Day Of Bullying Prevention Day” once again, and I don’t know who needs to hear this right now, but if you’ve ever been the one some giant FUCKTARD did or said something cruel to during a time when you were already on the ground searching for even the smallest shred of light in all that darkness, only to have the door slammed SHUT and leave you all but blinded, I want you to know that you didn’t deserve that, I’m sorry you had to endure it, but I’m GLAD you’re still here reading this.
When you think all is forsaken, listen to me now … all is not forsaken! You need never feel broken again. Sometimes darkness can show you The Light.
{Disturbed}
In the meantime, if YOU are the FUCKTARD who all but put your hands around the throat of someone who was already struggling to breathe … YOU’RE GROSS! Also? Karma is a Jean-Claude Van DAMN mother effing bitch, soooo … have fun with all that!
Today is World Animal Day, and my question to all of you is really IS, “What if”? What IF all of this really IS just a test from The Powers That Be and ALL of the animals, no matter how big or seemingly minute and valueless are angels in disguise? Where will YOU be standing on your Final Judgement Day? At The Bridge or The Slide?
For instance …
If you abandoned, starved, and neglected an animal, will YOU be eternally “abandoned, starved, and neglected”? If you tied some helpless creature to a tree out in the backyard and just left it there with no food, water, or shelter from the freezing cold or burning Sun, will YOU be eternally tied to a tree trunk that way and forced to watch “your family” through a window all alone? If you burned animals alive, ran them over for fun, hunted, trapped, and shot holes in them for sport, or caged them for entertainment, will YOU be trapped, caged, burned alive, and shot in the head over and over and over again with no chance for reprieve or escape? Hmm? I wonder.
By the way, by no means am I saying that those THINGS that mistreat, abuse, neglect, abandon, torture and kill the helpless humans amongst us such as infants, children, the elderly, and disabled aren’t also, hopefully, and most importantly going to be avenged in that good ole “eye for an eye” fashion both The Bible and every other religious transcript speaks of, but treating other human beings humanely is a given that should just go without saying, right? But the treatment of animals? Hmm? I just can’t help but wonder!
Look, I’m a God-fearing, Jesus-loving woman who wouldn’t wish merciless “eternal harm” on any human being, but as I’ve oft said before, maybe not all of us are really even “human“. The Bible also says “they walk amongst us“, soooo. Meanwhile, here’s to all the rest of us who literally wouldn’t even hurt a fly, much less set out to torture one of God’s creatures without at least thinking about the consequences of those abhorrent actions and play Russian roulette with our souls!
With that, and in honor of World Recovery Day today, if YOU are in recovery from any of the above or perhaps something else on the list that I missed, please be gentle with yourself and don’t be surprised by a rollercoaster of various emotions all in one same day. Oh, and by the way … contrary to what you or others may have tried to convince you of …
YOU AREN’T MACHINE!
YOU NEED TO SLEEP!
So, cut yourself a break today and allow yourself to rest and reboot as long as is HUMANLY necessary! Also? Here’s to even BEING human in the first place, along with all the pain and suffering that has brought beauty to your bleeding. Remember not to take your humanity for granted, by the way, as you’re endlessly navigating all the highs and lows of living out your second chances. No, it was wasn’t supposed to be this way, and yes, you were meant to feel the pain as you were becoming the SURVIVOR you truly are!
But you see, the flip side of this bittersweet, double-edged sword of a living love story I’ve become is that I’ve gotten to learn the very hard way that my heart is love and my hands can rest because my soul has learned to happily exist in the blissful peace of my own solitude unless and until I decide to let anyone near me with a hammer again, much less be forced to just stand there and watch some mother fucker with a hammer continually annihilate my children.
Wait! Let me rephrase that: They’ll never know they’re the children of a woman who once thought she was a cursed woman. For as long as I shall live, I’ll keep shattering myself like glass, breaking every one of my bones, tearing out my heart, and scourging my own soul just to keep that that kid who lives inside of mefree to bask in the glow of my own wildfires!
I can dress in black and hang my head and mourn the loss of the life I longed for / or I can set it all on fire and build new dreams from the ashes / where are the matches?
In the meantime, pray GOD that the broken little girl who is now a part of our family finds the strength, courage, and brutal self awareness to “see herself” in the next generation of wildfires she’s now torched our family with so that she doesn’t burn and destroy my grandchildren.
YOU created the cesspool you’re drowning in, which, (ps), is making you kinda stinky! You can’t really expect to run around breaking every person, place, and thing you touch and not have to fuckin’ pay for it, now can ya? Meanwhile, “if” by chance you’re in the wake of what seems to be the war to end all wars, there’s cold, dead bodies laying all around and you’re the only one left standing, perhaps it’s time to reexamine yourself, or, God forbid, examine yourself for the very first time EVER!
No one seems to like you?
Can’t hold on to relationships?
Don’t get included in family functions, ’cause …
You always RUIN family functions!?
Constantly getting fired?
Constantly in trouble with the law?
Constantly have your ‘lil ears BURNING?
People can only show up to the places where you are drunk, stoned, or otherwise highly medicated?
The problem that we have with a victim mentality is that we forget to see the blessings of the day. Because of this, our spirit is poisoned instead of nourished.
Lookit, your victim mentality isn’t serving you very well, so why not just go ahead and FIX IT! Own some things. Account for some things. Apologize for some things. STOP SOME THINGS! Make amends with those prolly very few people who are somehow still willing to let you in their atmosphere. Start taking responsibility for your bullshit actions and for fuck’s sake, GET INTO THERAPY!
While I’m sorry that I’m not sorry for the rough around the edges delivery here, know that I only aim to help. Yes, I know that the truth really hurts, but I am here to tell you that I, too, used to cry “victim” after the consequences of my own bullshittery. Guess what, though? I’ve lived, learned, and since accepted the errors of all my formerly fucked up ways and all the people I broke along the way … not the LEAST of whom were my children. Then? I forgave myself, walked forward with “Power + Grace“, and my life is just so much more … BETTER!
YOU CAN DO THIS!
You can stop whining and crying over all the stuff that YOU broke! Ga head and give it a try! YOU GOT THIS! Oh, and one last thing. This post is being published on “National Day Of Remembrance Of Homicide Victims” today in honor and of those who have been truly “victimized”, which (ps), in this regard isn’t you!
… ’cause remember, and Epictetus said it best: Any person capable of angering you really does becomes your master, so don’t let anyone disturb you and make you their little bitch! Keep that thunderbolt in your own hands as much as humanly possible and don’t let anyone grab it away from you!
… but (ps):
Don’t you dare beat yourself up too bad when in the past you have in the future you do fork over your lightening bolt to some fool who angered you! It happens to the best of us, up to and including me, ’cause we are only human after all. Oh, and by the way, as is par for the course with me, I tried to find the perfect “day” to post here in The Diary, but couldn’t find a single trace of a “World Anger Awareness Day” to save my life. So, instead, I’m posting this now in honor of the release of this epic if not most recognizable AC/DC songs was released thirty-four years today!
On this day ten years ago, Three Days Grace released what to me has become one of the most bittersweet requiems and landslides of all the “mother guilt” I’ve struggled with in the wake of not just my own shattered childhood, but even more so my children’s. Meanwhile, dare I forget that moment a couple years ago when I found her college entrance essay hidden in my desktop downloads. I wasn’t quite sure whether to smile or cry as I read it, but ended up doing both, because …
I’ve often wondered if my life is just a bunch of pages in a comic book. It seemed that since the beginning, I was thrown as many adversities as my author could think of so I could become a character just like my in dad’s dusty old comic books that I would flip through under the covers when I was supposed to be asleep.I was born in the middle of a nasty divorce, and my teenage brother took up caring for me since my parents would be too busy fighting to notice either of us. I wanted to make things easier for the people around me, so I learned how to be independent and resourceful, and I was instilled with a personal goal to strive for excellence. The rest of my life has been met with similar misfortunes. Bullying and social ostracization, poor choices of friends and boyfriends, and finally, the abrupt death of my stepfather, who had raised me and despite the lack of shared blood took up the yoke of being my dad for 11 years. In the end, I had no friends, a dead parent, and a list of diagnoses of disorders that reads like a master list. The last thing I want is pity. That’s not why I say this. The reason I say all of this is because despite the years of bitterness and pain I felt being in my “comic book”, and the many times I wanted to give up completely, I have grown to love everything that has happened to me. Why? Because I know that if it wasn’t for all I had to endure, I wouldn’t be a fraction of the woman I am today. Because throughout everything, I made the decision to make sure my backstory would make me like Batman, not Joker. Every cruel word and deed taught me that the people who are hurting the most can cause the most hurt, and that I needed to be kind and patient – take them with a grain of salt because the last thing they needed was cruelty back. My anxiety forced me to become sure of myself so I could meet my own expectations for myself, and to learn how to move outside my comfort zone to succeed and connect with others the way I want. My ADHD and OCD gave me an incredible love for challenges. Yes, it is more difficult for me than others to do basic things, but in the end, I learned that I could turn the things that hinder me into my superpowers. My ADHD allows me to devote myself completely to my passions and always remain excited and looking for the next thing I can do to improve and gives me this unquenchable thirst to learn more and do more. My OCD gave me the strength to always strive to do my absolute best, while also forcing me to learn how to be gracious with myself when I make mistakes, as mistakes are just lessons that teach me how to improve and do better. My PTSD made me both gentle and tough. I gained more empathy and became incredibly resilient. It gave me a fierce desire to protect and support those who had no one else to support them, because if I had to suffer so that others might not, then I’m happy to show my scars with a smile. It made me love harder and care more, about others and about myself. I’m in no way perfect. I have my kryptonite like everyone else. But I am a fighter. I know that I can face whatever comes my way, and I am proud to say that I have grown into my own superhero. I just hope that someday, my “comic book story” will give some kid just like me the hope to keep fighting and become their own superhero, too.
… and so, with that, to my beautiful, battle born phoenix of a risen angel daughter. Only God knows when you’ll finally begin digging in to the entirety of this virtual love letter I’m writing to you, your brother, and all of yours, and though I’ve appreciated your reading the entries I’ve asked you to thus far, I know it’s not quite time for you to sit down with “all of it”. As for now, just know that I’m so beyond proud of you and there aren’t enough words in my soul to atone and account for the many apologies I owe you for everything I missed while I was physically “there” with you while often being nowhere in sight. Late at night, I couldn’t hear you crying. I suppose I was too busy crying my own self to sleep while all the love around us was dying. How do you stay so strong? How did you hide it all for so long? Why couldn’t I take the pain away? Oh, that’s right! I was too busy free-falling in the dark for my own protection to make myself feel like I’d be okay. Still, I have so many questions.
That was then.
This is NOW!
I once heard it said that,
People change for two main reasons: Either their minds have been opened or their hearts have been broken.
Daughter, I am here to tell you, your brother, and anyone else who ever reads this that I am doing my very best to change for both those reasons. As for now, I’M HERE, baby girl. I “hear” you and I “see” you.I’ll be right beside you ever more if you go through hell and back again, no matter how close or far I ever am, and you will never close your eyes and fall alone in the dark. I love you, RISEN angel.
Cat, you need to think about putting yourself back out there and maybe even getting into the dating pool. Have you thought about any of the apps?
🤮
Yes, many versions of this ‘lil nuggie of a conversation have happened since losing Zack. Really, people? The thing about that whole situation is that NO ONE gets to pick my poison again but ME!
Lol! It’s been six years since I’ve either spent time or had meaningful conversations with any men but my sons, close family and friends, the “Flyboy“, my dog, my squirrel, and a grand total of THREE male of the species I’ve somewhat consistently communicated with virtually and LIGHTLY, including a rock star, Santa Clause, and a surfer boy, NONE of who’ve EVER said any weird, gross, or inappropriate shit to me, or worse yet, prompted a conversation with a “🍆, 😍, or 💐”! 🤮 So, “putting myself back out there”? Yah, NOPE! I’m all set here in MY own little world with no more bloodied knives in my foreseeable future and just “my people”, my cats, my birds, and my squirrels!
And so, with that, no, I don’t EVER see myself settling down again or reaching for “the one that needs”. Actually? Now that I think of it, I finally am “settled down” for the first time in all my life with absolutely no one to answer to but me, myself, and God, and nowhere to be unless I wanna be there. I’m in my “selfish phase”, people, and yes, it’s highly addictive! Besides … my dreams are all in color now, and though I’m “alone“, nope, I’m never lonely, ’cause me, myself, and ME kinda love running through all these shadows on our own. I guess what I’m REALLY trying to say is that I have nothing to sell to anyone anymore unless and until I decide to open for biz again!
By the way, for those of you who wanna be in the know, Trapt released this song that I’ve been listening to over and over and over again twenty years ago this day with the birth of their “Someone In Control” album!
Where were YOU at “8:46am” on Tuesday, September 11, 2001? I was standing in my then 9 year old son’s room watching the news, folding laundry, and literally glued to the screen. When the South Tower was hit, I vividly remember clenching the bath towel that was in my hand, pressing it to my chest, holding on to it for dear life, and being paralyzed by an adrenaline dump that at the time l’d only ever felt once before, which was at the moment I realized I was about to be raped in a parking garage in downtown Dallas on March 5, 1992. I couldn’t stop staring at the TV and was physically sick and numb. A few minutes later, my ex-husband called me:
Catherine! America is under attack! Get in the car and pull Christian out of school NOW!
AND I DID! I sped to his school in sheer panic and daze in nothing but my pajamas and a bathrobe only to be met by countless other parents (many of whom were also in pajamas and bathrobes) standing in line at the door in tears. Christian was attending Canyon Creek Christian Academy in Richardson, Texas, at the time which was just a few blocks away from The Islamic Association of North Texas that unfortunately and WRONGFULLY experienced immense backlash from the attacks that I wholeheartedly believe were an inside job and not the international terrorism the powers that were and accompanying media outlets so vehemently wanted us all to believe.
How little did I know on that day that I would henceforth become all too familiar with that very same “paralyzing adrenaline dump” with each of the life, psyche, and neurologically altering traumas I’d then go on to experience MANY times after that day … not the least of which was yesterday as I was glued to the screen once again at the moment Charlie Kirk was pronounced dead. By the way? Guess what I was doing at the exact moment I heard the words, “We have breaking news for you. Charlie Kirk has been pronounced dead”?
I WAS FOLDING BATH TOWELS!
For those of you reading this who weren’t yet born when “September 11th” became our new reality, it is my most sincere hope prayer that you’ve since educated yourself about what REALLY happened that day. Also? I just wish so badly you “kids” could have known what it was like to live in THAT America … where we were still “ONE Nation under God” and relatively free from harm in our own homes and public places. I’m haunted by the ghost of her and miss her terribly.
My heart is literally shattered today, not just for his family, but for our country. This is NOT “what America means to me“! Even so, I find there no irony in that his assassination will most assuredly be another call to arms and “Turning Point” for our very sick and broken country, not unlike the FIRST shot heard ’round the world on April 19, 1775.
On the other hand, however, I’m gleefully aware of the hardcore FACT that although they tried to silence him, what happened today will, indeed, carry his voice and wisdom through the ages. My grandkids and their grandkids and maybe even their grandkids will know who he was, what he said, and what he stood for. Lol. Imagine being so abysmally uneducated, illiterate, and completely void of any ability to “speak your truth” intelligently, face to face, mouth to mouth, and without the use of violence, gunfire, or your own personal guerilla warfare tactics? So, good job to the actual idiot savant who assassinated today. Guess what, moron? In your attempt to silence a movement of truth, Light, and factual objectivity as regards the whole of humanity, you ended up lighting the fuse of a never-ending, ever-burning cord!
Rest in peace, Mr. Kirk. You lived your life as a true Lion and fierce leader of your pride of patriots and Christians alike with courage, compassion, honesty, loyalty, and conviction for this land you loved so very much. Your legacy will live on throughout our American history as one of the brightest, most faithful, and heroic beacons on our often dark and sordid pages. Well done, my friend. Well done.
“Is this the place that we called home to find what we’ve become? Walking along the path unknown … we’ve lived, we’ve loved, we’ve LIED! Deep in the dark … we didn’t think we “needed” The Light … or that the ghost inside us belonged to the other side.”
(Words adapted by Bad Omens’ “Specter”)
Looking back, it literally blows my FUCKING mind how many heaping piles of toxic, twisted, and dysfunctional behavior – ironically most often at all the places I was forced to not just believe, but tell other people were “safe and loving homes” and thus perpetuate the disgusting “FAUXrytales” that the powers that weremy life needed to be perpetuated at risk of “what would people think if they knew the truth?” For years I choked on silence and secrets amid the ABUSE, CHAOS and VIOLENCE that was my childhood and is now still my adulthood to protect the image of the PERFECT family “behind the gates”!
And so, with that … YES! Yes, i AM the angry daughter … ever the work in progress … and I’ll STAY this angry until my MY daughter has finally moved THROUGH all the anger she inherited from both me and the generations before and is now wielding like a torch through her own haunted spaces … just like her momma … so that someday HER daughter (who I carried within MY womb, by the way) won’t ever have to stay angry for longer than is necessary to keep the specter of herself at bay … unless, of course, like me, she decides to pull out its little diamond studded leash and walk proudly with it like a wild and beautiful BEAST with MY fire in her eyes and resilience coursing through her veins!
In my opinion, the very first thing you should do before casting judgment and punishment when anyone betrays you (and trust me, it WILL happen to even the best of us at least once in life), is proceed according to my “Peter v. Judas For The Dummies” system:
Simon Peterdenied knowing Jesus three times out of fear. He was sorry, repented, forgiven, redeemed, and thereafter known as one of THE most faithful Christian leaders in the history of forever.
Peter was SORRY!
Judas Iscariot betrayed Jesus with a kiss in front of the Roman soldiers for 30 freakin’ pieces of silver out of greed. His “remorse” was rooted in self-pity and despair, then he killed his damn self.
Judas was NOT sorry
(for anyone but himself)!
They BOTH betrayed Jesus … BUT … one is an example of how forgiveness and grace can be shown when true remorse and a resulting change of behavior. Peter’s story teaches that even after serious mistakes, GENUINE repentance, and a TRUE desire for forgiveness, can lead to restoration in any relationship, no matter the level of betrayal.
So, who are the Peters or Judases in YOUR life? More importantly, who have you been to others? Peter … or Judas? I can admit that I’ve been both at different points in my journey, but thankfully I’ve grown past my Judas-y, “poor ‘lil victim” days gone by. Accountability is one of the best things I have for breakfast these days (even when it hurts to swallow).
So, the name Ozzy Osbourne is a name I have known my entire life. Me dad and me grandad first started playing me Sabbath when I was young. Ozzy is the definition of a rock and roll star. Fact. Underline it. He represents defiance to a world of regulation and normality. He taught me that it’s okay to be mental … he taught me that it’s okay to be crazy. It’s okay to be an outsider … it’s alright to be different. Nah, fuck that, man … it’s BRILLIANT to be different. His music, his attitude, is something that genuinely shaped me. It fookin’ did. Like, he was there when nobody else was. When everyone was like, ‘this kid’s a bit too mental … this kid’s a bit too out there. Fook it … Ozzy was there, man, for me and millions of kids and fookin’ all of ya. A lot of people say ‘don’t meet your heroes’, but when I asked something of him as a man, not just as a rock star, he turned up for me. He was there when he didn’t need to be. He gave me half of his fookin’ salami sandwich and a ginger beer and the cross I’m wearing around my neck tonight which is something I’ll treasure forever. He told me NEVER apologise for anything … people will understand you later, and I’ll never forget that moment, ’cause that’s all I fookin’ needed no matter what – like a proper rock and roll star saying that to me.
(Yungblud’s 2023 Rolling Stone UK Icon Award Honoring Ozzy)
Have you ever heard me talk about him? Nope. Was he one of my favorite rock stars? Yup. But not for the reasons you may think. Oh, don’t get me wrong, folks! I’ve been a fan of the music all the way back to Sabbath and there are quite a few of their songs I listen to on repeat, not the least of which is “See You On The Other Side”, which I’ve probably listened to once a week since Zack flew the coop in favor of the not so fucking bat shit crazy place he’d been trapped in the months before he left. So? Since we’re just shy of a month away from the six year anniversary of his death, let’s do some math. 52 times 6? Yup. I’ve probably listened to it well over 300 times now!
KISS frontman Gene Simmons paid tribute to longtime friend and rock legend Ozzy Osbourne during an appearance on “CBS Mornings” on Wednesday, describing the Black Sabbath icon as a “pure human being” and an “extraordinary individual.” Speaking from Los Angeles, Simmons reflected on his decades-long friendship with Osbourne, dating back to 1975 when KISS opened for Black Sabbath on their “Sabotage” tour.
“Ozzy was always just wonderful, heartfelt Ozzy, nonjudgmental, no airs about him,” Simmons said. “Reluctantly, I admit, sometimes I’m full of myself. Ozzy? Never.”
“I’ve never heard Ozzy ever say anything bad about anybody,” Simmons said. “When you meet somebody extraordinary, I don’t mean famous, because there are a lot of famous people who are putzes, myself sometimes as well, this was a pure human being – nonjudgmental.”
“Before Ozzy, there WAS no Ozzy. You can’t point to who it is that inspired Ozzy to be who he is. A totally extraordinary individual!”
Can you even imagine having such epic and powerful words spoken about you in life, much less in death and your “ever after” legacy? If only I’m as lucky one day for even a single person to say such beautiful words about me! So, here’s to me thinking about working a little harder on my “non-judgmental” piece of it all, ’cause EFF my often sanctimonious and judgmental, err, “Virgo-ness”!
Meanwhile, perhaps one of my favorite “humanities” about our now immortalized Prince Of Darkness is how he set the benchmark standard for all the rest of the freaks out here like me who simply cannot march to anyone else’s cadence but our own. Simply said? Ozzy made it seem almost normal to be the Jean-Claude Van DAMN effing mental freak of the worldoddball I’m so “Ozzily” proud to be! If only there were a way to get Merriam-Webster to just use a picture of him for the word “immortal“, oh, what a beautiful thing it would be! There are literally no descriptive words necessary that way. Does anyone know who we can call to make this happen? I’m not EVEN joking! Dare I say that all of us oldies but goodies who were given carte Blanche by this man to reign PROUDLY and HAPPILY either out loud or in the little private bat cages of our minds had BEST be telling our grandkids all “aBAT” how he set us free!
In the meantime …
Rest in peace, Mate! Here’s hoping you’re flying as free as the inner bat in all of us who came after you just a flap, flap, FLAPPIN’ our crazy little wings (and wearing black clothes and winter caps in the middle of a 666 degree Texas summer). As for me? I shall heretofore only ever refer to you as the Prince Of Dark AND Lightness!
Fifty years ago this month, Fleetwood Mac gave birth to “Landslide” with their self-titled album. If you’ve been following this Diary well, you know that I have “a song for every season“, “a reason for every song“, and a few so near to my heart strings that I’ve memorialized them more than once. This one, however, is now and has always been so moving and powerful to me that I’ve yet to find the proper words to honor it, and I know I’m not alone in that it’s one of the most difficult songs for me to hear because it buries me in feelings so deep beneath my skin that I can’t make it through the first three seconds without literally “landsliding”. Now that I think of it, it’s one of my “go-to’s” for those days I just need to check my own pulse or make myself shedtears that need to be shed.
But guess WHO else was given birth to twenty years ago today at the exact moment this entry is being published, “4:29pm”? My firestorm of a daughter, who ironically reminds me SO much of Stevie with her wildflower gypsy heart and wise beyond her years soul, that now that I think of it, I don’t think it’s an irony! So, what better way to honor them both? Still, how exactly do I correlate the triumph that is my masterpiece on this day that ends both our journeys in “the teenager hood” and this song together?
As far as I’m concerned, the true purpose of art in every form, as well the artists who create it, is to embody the fact that God is always here with us in all things big and small in such a way that whether we or even they are aware, it pulls us through our faith journey by all but begging us to seek and find Him hidden in this masterful, complex, and collaborative Creation He paints across the canvas of our souls.
Take for instance, Michalangelo’s “The Creation of Adam“, a part of the Sistine Chapel ceiling. God’s arm is fully extended, while Adam’s arm is relaxed with a slightly bent finger. Although he’s not been with us since 1564 and we can’t truly know what was in his mind on the day he picked up that paintbrush, it appears that he decided to represent the divine breath of lifewith God’s and Adam’s fingers “almost” touching each other with a powerful gesture that represents the creation of the first man with the His index finger, ready to spark life into Adam upon contact of their hands. This detail has led scholars and theologians alike to interpret the scene symbolically as God reaching out with His divine energy toward humanity, but man having to actively choose to reach back for it. While studying this painting in college, I recall having read that the tiny little gap between their fingers was intended to embody our “free will”. I agree.
In short? God’s love and presence are always patiently waiting nearby, but the connection requires that we choose it. And such is the story of the human parent child journey as well, my friends. There comes a time for us to really cut the cords, hold on loosely, and just let them go on and fly. If we’ve done our job well, they’ll always come back to us. If not, pray God we find the error in any of our ways that caused them to run away and never look back, and even more so that we’re offered the grace of an opportunity to fix them.
Now then, “The Landslide” …
It’s widely known that Stevie wrote it during one of the most vulnerable points in her life when she was unsure of both the direction of her music career and her relationship with Lindsey Buckingham. It’s a conversation she had with herself while gazing at the Aspen sky, which I of all people can appreciate as an avid “talk and sing love songs to yourself” kinda girl. Her bittersweet take on navigating uncertainty amid ever-changing and fleeting times and her fears of how things can come crashing down around us in an instant are a gentle yet haunting reminder that the best that any of us can do is just savor every last drop of love like it’s the last we’ll ever taste, remain prepared for all the changes when it’s time to let some seasons go, and continually search for ways to fortify ourselves with the resilience it takes to survive here.
And so, with that, I say THIS to not just my baby girl on her 20th birthday, but my son, their future spouses, AND my future grands:
No, I’m NOT afraid of changin’, though I’ve built my life around YOU. Time really has made me bolder as I’ve gotten older, and you’re getting older, too. So, when you see my reflection in the mirror of your skies, don’t you DARE worry about all those landslides! You’re MY kids, you see, which means YOU GOT THIS, because just as the child in MY heart learned to rise above the many changing seasons of my life with the “Power + Grace” of a battle born warrior forged from fire, so too will the children OF my heart! Now, go on and sail through those ocean tides and climb some mountains! But also? Don’t forget to stop back home ANY time you want. Just because you’re heading off to build kingdoms and castles of your own now, it doesn’t mean you won’t ALWAYS have open doors and rooms here in mine!
Let the dissonance echo inside your ears. I am your worst nightmare … Fear me! I am the sound of silence.
But, alas! There is NOTHING to fear in the wake of the deafening silence that oft becomes our worst nightmare while waiting for the retribution we cry out for when we’ve been wronged or our name has been smeared.
FEAR NOT!
I mean, ALLS I’m saying is no, you do NOT have to defend yourself when people have done you dirty and inked out your story according to their narrative! Yah … NOPE! God really is in every room, whether you believe it, like it, or not, and HIS signature at the end of that page is the only one that counts, sooo …
The plans for your defense were laid out perfectly ahead of time, so, all you have to do is just sit back, shut your trap, hold your breath, watch, and WAIT! Meanwhile, don’t you think for even one second in that silly ‘lil head of yours that He doesn’t know exactly how it feels to endure mockery in silence. I mean, HELLO? Have you seen “humanity” running all amuck down here mocking HIS name and Creation? Do you remember what they did to His Son? If anyone knows how hard it is to just “hurry up and wait” for justice to be served … IT’S HIM! So, yes, He knows how much it’s killing you to hold your tongue. No one gets left behind, I PROMISE! So, if it feels like God is just too quiet for you right now, have some faith and be patient! He’s not done loading up His quill yet, and YES, He’s got your entire CLOCK (which is even better than just your six)! So says The Queen (who also just happens to be God’s FAVORITE daughter)!
It was June 6, 2008, on American Airlines Flight 438 from Nice to Dallas after having chaperoned my son’s class trip abroad when he walked onto our plane, took the window seat of the empty row beside mine, and slid the cocktail napkin onto my tray …
Looks like you need to talk. I’m a good listener.
He’d just watched me trying NOT to fall apart listening to “The Real Life” by 3 Doors Down for the first time ever in my life. Keep in mind that just hours before that Godforsaken (or was it GodSENT) note appeared, I’d just shed the first layer of my skin sitting in the dark on the shoreline in France with our Israeli tour guide, “Adoram”, the first of two innocent bystanders foolish enough to ask me “what’s wrong”.
With them, I was just “speaking” and they listening. No judgement. No advice. Just two people I never thought I’d see again and felt “safe” to slit my wrists upon and verbally vomit what was then an entire lifetime of “secrets” that were killing me. If only they’d known what they were signing up for, right? I was a like a really bad song on a radio they just couldn’t shut off – two unwilling soldiers in the war of me reconciling my own soul.
By the way …
YES, I was married when we met. NO, I never slept with him. (Although, he’s one of the only men I have or will ever let really “hug” me.) YES, emotional affairs are cheating. YES, it was wrong. NO, I’m not ashamed of it. YES, I’d still send that “email heard round the world” and flipped over the proverbial game table of my then “perfectly BULLSHIT” life! YES, I’m still very much in contact with “The Flyboy” who still lives in Sweden, and YES, I very much do love him. We speak on the phone as often as we can and I see him whenever he’s in Dallas for his pilot simulator trainings. YES, he loves me, too. YES, he’s going to see this, because he’s been here reading The Diary and on my social media “hiding in PLANE sight” all the while. And so, with that …
Dear Flyboy,
Hi there, it’s me again! Thank you! Just THANK YOU! This REAL life I live now truly is so far away from the liar, liar, pants on fire fake one I used to, err, “live”, and I have God, Adoram, you, and that silly little napkin to blame for it!
It was January of 1997 the first time I heard it while attending the first Bible study I’d ever been to in my life in a dear friend’s living room after I’d finally met the REAL Jesus I’d never really known outside of seeing the 30-foot tall crucified version of Him hanging over the altar at my Catholic elementary school.
Sadly, this was during a very fragile time in my life when I was still tortured by my abhorrent reflection in a mirror, having just come off the tail end of an unsuccessful attempt to end my own life on November 8, 1996 after a toxic entanglement with the second undiagnosed DSM-5 textbook malignant narcissist of my life straight from literal Hell. The first, of course, was my “father“, who for the longest time I correlated to God, so, of course I was scared to actual death of Him AND the FARTHEST thing from feeling truly “lovable” by anyone, much less myself. During that Bible study, the lights went down quietly so we could immerse ourselves in “the song of the night”. It was a moment that still gives me the chills and reduces me to tears to think about, and I will never forget the first time I heard those MOST impeccably strung together words:
These lonely hours like a fire refining, something that’s precious, something that’s shining. There in the darkness surrounded by coals, it’s starting to glow … and I think I see gold!
The late French philosopher, Jean-Paul Sartre, whose birthday is today, famously penned those words! As an existentialist, he believed there was no such thing as a universal “human nature”, but rather, a universal “human condition”. He also believed in individual personal freedom, and that as free people, we’re solely responsible for all aspects of our own individual character, actions, choices, morals, beliefs, and consciousness.
I couldn’t agree with him more! I mean, HELLO? And have you READ all the things I’ve written about “mother THINGS” that (not “who”) torture, abuse, or abandon their own babies, “people THINGS” that abuse animals, or heard any of my rantings about women who bash on men?
So? What is existentialism, anyway, Cat, and why you tryina shove all this philosophy crap down our throats?
(… said no one to me EVER!)
Existentialism is a philosophy of human nature that identifies people as having the free will to determine the course of their own lives. It emphasizes individual responsibility to create meaning rather than relying on a higher power or religion to determine what is important, valuable, or morally right. While I don’t completely align with just one philosophical mindset, I suppose that I do align with some of this. As far as I’m concerned, “total freedom” is awesome, but it comes with complete and total responsibility, in which case, I am heretofore assuming all responsibility for the fact that, frankly speaking, some of you may have missed this memo:
‼️Un … Know … ME‼️
(… not that anyone really does or will)! Bye everyone, it’s me, CAT!
On this day in 2018, humanity lost a magical soul. Her name was Koko the gorilla:
Koko was no ordinary gorilla, she was hand-raised by Dr. Francine “Penny” Patterson, who soon realized that Koko was destined to be extraordinary. Trained in American Sign Language from a young age, Koko learned to communicate with her human caretakers in ways no other gorilla had before. Her vocabulary eventually grew to over 1,000 signs, and she understood more than 2,000 words of spoken English. Through this unique ability, Koko opened a window into the mind of another species, showing the world that gorillas could express emotions, desires, and even humor. She was a creature of deep emotions and profound connections. She loved cats, adopting several over her lifetime, and treated them with the same care and affection one might expect from a human parent. Her bond with her caregivers was unmistakable, filled with moments of tenderness, laughter, and even sorrow. Yet, it was Koko’s final message to the world that left everyone in surprised. In her later years, Koko began to express concerns about the state of the Earth. Using her signs, she spoke of nature, urging humans to “protect Earth”. This message, coming from a gorilla, was not just surprising-it was haunting. Many believe that Koko had a unique understanding of the fragile balance between humanity and the natural world, a balance she implored us to preserve. There are those who think Koko’s words were not her own, but rather a scripted message she was trained to deliver.
Of note, the first time I saw this clip on social media over a year ago, it was set to that song I love to hate the most, “In This Shirt“. While I did, of course, want to post the clip of “Koko’s last message“, with the actual sound of her voice, I dropped it here below in The Diary again in her honor. If any soul that’s ever graced this planet is deserving of such a bittersweet ballad to break our own souls in half as much as her view of “humanity” broke hers, it’s Koko. Without ever having said a single word, she spoke with such beautiful conviction of her heart.
Oh, don’t you worry, though, dear readers! I got this, bitches! I PROMISE! At least I’m brave enough to say it out loud:
I … am NOT … okay!
Well, at least I’m 77% sure I’m not okay … BUT … I will be, ’cause Imma cat and cats ALWAYS land on their feet (even with a “buttered side up” piece of bread strapped to their back)!
Meanwhile, in rolling from “squares” to “circles”, I find it no coincidence that despite the fact that it had been drafted, locked, and loaded well over seven months ago, THIS was my Diary entry this morning:
A year ago today, my son sent me another one of those cryptic “music thing” messages.
Talk about the absolutely beautiful trajectory of this wonky yet ever so FULL CIRCLE that both mine and my children’s lives are moving in! He was brave enough to tell me that he was not okay … now I’m brave enough to say that I, too, am not okay … which believe it or not is exactly why “imma be alright“! What doesn’t kill me will always make me stronger, ’cause I’m their momma and my work here won’t be done until I can rest assured knowing they have all the tools and examples they will ever need to BE OKAY! Dear GOD, how I love my fucking life (and also all my birds and squirrels)! Goodnight everyone! It’s me, CAT!
… meanwhile, here I still stand in the fire of so many others’ opinions, yet, seduced by their prideful games no longer! Who da fuck do they think they are, anyway, with the turns of their knives, slips of their tongues, and bitter and blind ‘ll judgment juries of one? Lol! Keep on speaking your minds, but don’t waste too much time speaking to me, because I AM MY OWN VOICE IN THE DARK and to you I pay NO mind at all! WOWSER! Now that was some cryptic Diary entering, right? Bye everyone, it’s me, CAT!
“She’s somebody’s daughter. She’s somebody’s everything. She’s somebody’s little girl, even if she’s grown up and moved away. She’s somebody’s whole world. She’s somebody’s baby, and if you don’t treat her right, hers won’t be the only heart you’re breaking.”
Impeccable words, right? I’m the mother of a daughter, too, by the way, and you best believe that when her heart breaks, so does mine. I MADE IT! Meanwhile, can’t we, though? Just CAN’T WE? Can’t we PLEASE just normalize “singing” this song and its mantra in reverse:
“He’s somebody’s son. He’s somebody’s everything. He’s somebody’s little boy, even if he’s grown up and moved away. He’s somebody’s whole world. He’s somebody’s baby, and if you don’t treat him right, his won’t be the only heart you’re breaking.”
Remember … MEN HAVE FEELINGS, TOO! So, let’s just try being a little more mindful of this factually factual FACT! Now then, ladies – do me a favor and go hug the man in your life right now, please, or if the man in your life isn’t close by, just call or text him today and send him a little hug over the line. Just sayin’.
The Diary Of My Perfection 