Although I’m not from the UK, I can totally get on board with The Empath Lab’s “World Empathy Day 2023”. With that …
Dear Empath,
It’s easier to disappear than to fell the things I’m feeling here. One man left out … I feel his pain. In this crowded room I can’t concentrate. You ask the world … I can’t say no, ’cause I’d feel the sorrow fill your soul like my hearts in someone else’s chest. Take the weight of all their brokenness. I don’t wanna bear this weight, but their blood starts pumping through my veins. Don’t let me sink into their grave … just gotta be alone today. Her panic starts … I hold my breath. Still, I can’t avoid the pounding chest. I try to run … I trip instead as my spirit enters in her head. A million voices cloud my mind. A shattered heart. A shattered life. Just tryna have a peaceful night, but this this stranger’s soul is tied with mine. I don’t wanna bear this weight, but their blood starts pumping through my veins. Don’t let me sink into their grave. Just gotta be alone today. Just gotta be alone today. Feel like the weight of the world. I’m not strong enough. Don’t know where to run. Would you hold me up? Oh, I’m crumbling down. Sink into the ground. Would you lift me up?
NOTHING ‘BOUT ME IS ORDINARY!My friends all say I’m going crazy. I don’t hear a word that they say! ‘Cause the voices in my head are legendary, but I’ll never tell ’em where the bodies are buried. Keeps them coming back every day!
You took a shot to the chin? Looks like you just can’t win in this do or die situation. And it’s harder than it seems to survive, keep alive, and make your dreams all come true. Oh! You gotta give it your best shot! Give it everything you got! Oh! You gotta hang tough!
Sometimes love can make you blue … a heartache made just for you … but you can’t let it bring ya down. If you should stumble, if you should fall, PICK YOURSELF BACK UP OFF THE FLOOR! Fight for what’s right and stand your ground! Oh! You gotta give it your best shot! Give it everything you got! Oh! You gotta hang tough! When the goin’ gets rough … hang tough! Keep your head above the ground!
Don’t you let it get you down!
Don’t stay locked away inside your room, even though you know what this world is comin’ to. Hummingbird hums ’cause he don’t know the words, and the piper will play, ’cause he don’t know what to say. He’s a lot like you, yeah. Oh, he’s alot like you, yeah. He tries hard every day to be free and fly away. Yeah! HANG TOUGH!
Some of you may just see a picture of some random black bird sitting on a statue, but I see a bold and brazen corvid staking the claim of one of the most powerful rulers in history, Charlemagne, “King Of The Franks”, the father of Europe.
With that, and in honor both this gloriousInternational Crow And Raven Appreciation Dayand my fascination with corvids, allow me to introduce you to Karlsson, a friend and backyard resident of one of my friends and fellow “crowpagandists”, Spitfire Sparky. She snapped these epic shots of him in front of a Hamburg, Germany church in her area.
Meanwhile, good King Karl, who’d have ever thunk that a CROW would take your crown? Surely you must have missed the memo that one should NEVER cross a crow!
… that morning you wake up after having made your intentions and the desires of your heart abundantly clear to the Cosmos, find this message, then expel your uncontainable joy to your ex-best friend turned nemesis:
For the longest time, you held me down, but I got back up and brushed off the ashes you dusted me with.Now? It’s MY turn to dust YOU with the ashes you left me to fucking DIE in alone, but instead, just propelled my flight. HEAR MY VOICE! It’s the thunder that’s coming to shake the ground and hold YOU down like the bitch you always were. Consider this my FIRST of many roars!Before my time is done here, if I have ANYTHING to do with it, UNREST assured knowing that there WILL be others who I personally send for you and yours!
~ YOUR Dragon Bitch 🗡️
For the record, I recently sent out fifty plus emails to random eating disorder programs around the country. In the meantime, I’d received a powerful message of support from a virtual friend I’ve made on Instagram, along with her own bittersweet reasons why my hell bent mission to ROAR does matter:
As a female who had to watch that bitch dragon try to eat my little sister for decades, I understand so much of your story. Like you, she’s at a place finally where she’s fairly certain she will not relapse again. The same cannot be said for my beautiful friend. You remind me so much of her. Sadly, unlike your amazing self, she didn’t win. Her dragon devoured her, all while looking forward to her very first grand baby, while finally being loved by a man who was devoted to her and cherished her after her first husband severely abused her. She left behind a one year old son that she worked two years to conceive after a miscarriage and to change her “eating habits” (her words then) so that she could be a healthy pregnant Mom who was going to “do it right this time.” I will never forget her second husband’s words as he told the world what happened the day she collapsed and the fight was finished:
“She’s gone, my beautiful wife, my heart, my life, is gone. Why wasn’t I enough, was my adoration and devotion and love not enough. Why was our son not enough to fill her emptiness and fix her wounds.”
She had been fighting her dragon for thirty years.I think you are finding your calling. I’m a firm believer that things happen to us for reasons and sometimes it’s the hardest things that make the biggest impact on others. I know without a doubt there are lives out there ready and waiting for you to connect.Your story alone is so powerful and inspirational that you may save some other human from feeling his words, so, I thank you from the depths of my heart and soul for putting your story out there for those who truly need it.
I’m doing this, people! It’s finally gonna happen! I can feel it in my bones and crawling beneath my skin! If only one person hears my story then makes it their own hell bent mission to slay the fucking dragon, that’s enough!
Why, yes! Yes, I was “singing” in my house on a Saturday night, and doing it so loudly that two little boys from my hood who were passing by my castle on an acre of land with a 6,000 foot long driveway heard me doing it. Lol! What must they have been thinking? God love the precious little souls who ended up giving me a random gift that I never would seen coming:
Is she happy? Is she mad? Is she getting hacked up by a contractor who’d been hiding in her attic? Maybe we’ll just leave her a note?
By the way, never will i EVER throw that sweet little post it note away. I’ll treasure it along with all the sweet little “everythings” my own kids have gifted me over the years, especially when they were just about the ages of those two little nuggets who rang my doorbell! Lol. Don’t be surprised if I don’t end up having “Are You SINGING?” t-shirts printed before it’s all said and done and handing them out to random strangers!
Today is “National Lima Bean Respect Day“, and if you think I’m joking … I’m NOT! The powers that be went and made an actual day of honor for what I believe are GOD-FORSAKEN legumes. With that, I am reminded about that day I was SHOOKEN last year by one of those “QUORA QUESTIONS” I love to hate so much that, much like lima beans, are the BANE of my existence:
What extreme measures do ugly people to take to feel good about themselves?
Umm, REALLY? This question is literally unacceptable, because beauty truly is in the eye of the beholder, as what may be beautiful to one may not be beautiful to another. One person’s Mona Lisa, Starry Night, or David, might be another person’s dart board, nightmare, or ogre. What a person finds “aesthetically pleasing” is a matter of purely individual perception, reality, value, and belief.
There’s this silly thing I used to say to my kids when they were little:
Not everyone likes lima beans!
These words have always been so beyond fitting in our family, because while some of us all but CRAVE those disgusting legumes, to the rest of us they are the bane of OUR existence.
Meanwhile, my friends … AND I CANNOT STRESS THIS ENOUGH … anyone who uses the word “ugly” to describe a human being, is, IN FACT, the epitome of that very word:
How many of YOU can say that you’re still best friends with your high school sweetheart ~ 38 years and counting ~ and that he still sends you love songs?
Okay, so, maybe “Bad Company” isn’t quite a “love song”, BUT, the mere fact that there’s at least one person in this world who thinks of me when they get Death Punched is as close to a cosmic hug as could be.
That’s the masterpiece of a legacy I’m working on, folks, NOT just the birth and death dates that will be etched in granite on my headstone one day hopefully many years from now. As far as I’m concerned, it looks like I’m KILLIN’ it!
Some years ago, an extremely powerful song was born from one of my favorite albums. That Said song has since become one of my utmost battle cries to the devil:
I’m gonna hit you right where it hurts. I’m gonna give you everything that you deserve. If you need attention … something to say … let’s hear your confession. I am just too hard to break! Your words are reckless … delusional! Inside you’re helpless … far from who you say you are. You try to push me over the edge. I won’t let you pull me down to your level again! And now you’re here to stare me down. And now you’re here to stand your ground. I’ll knock you down … I’ll drag you out … no mercy! How do you like it now?
Bring it! Bring it! I’m still right here undefeated! Say whatever you want … it really don’t mean anything.
Bring it! Bring it! If there’s no fear let me see it! There is nothing you got that will ever get to me!
Guess what, though? Today that song just became one of my utmost battle cries to myself. I didn’t let my anger get the best of me. I kicked my ego’s ass, rose above the hostile, albeit well-deserved feelings I have towards my husband’s THING of a “brother”, and remembered who ABOVE the hell I am! I’m the risen and reigning queen that the “Zack Of Shit” he couldn’t be bothered with left behind.
Very long, complicated, and sometimes ugly story short? Hey, Devil? I WIN! YOU LOSE! The same goes for you, “brother THING”! why don’t you hit me up whenever you need that hundred bucks. It’ll be waiting in my wallet! And by the way, not only is your police pants blue Porsche ASS ugly, you barely fucking fit in it, little big man. Lol! Something tells me that see you next Tuesday Meggy is the one that unfortunate decision for you, kinda like the even more unfortunate one she made for you to piss away your baby brother.
And every day he passed a monastery’s high cathedral walls, and it made his life seem meaningless and small. And he wondered how it would be to live in such a place – to be warm, well fed and at peace, to shut the world away.
The Fossanova Abbey is a thirteenth century Cistercian monastery perched high upon a secluded hill about 60 miles south of Rome. Made almost entirely of travertine, the baron walls of the basilica, devoid of any decoration or artwork, is considered to be one of the finest examples of Gothic architecture in Italy, if not the world. It wasn’t even supposed to be a part of our tour, by the way, and the opportunity to visit availed itself somewhat out of the blue after leaving Pompei.
As Gia and I wandered down each more frugal, if not severe corridor, all we could do was inhale our speechless awe. But it wasn’t until we reached the altar nave that I truly had a moment, when the rose window perched high above a trinity of smaller windows reduced me to tears. It was Him! He was there! I could feel Him gazing down at me with as much pure love and joy as I felt gazing up at Him:
I wept as I saw you aching, broke as I watched you falling, and suffered as I watched you struggling to get back up and find your way to Me through through the fog. You couldn’t always see me, but I never left your side, and now that you finally understand that you DON’T have to understand “everything and all of it“, you’re standing at My high cathedral walls where nothing about your journey has been meaningless or small. I love you, Child. You are warm, well fed, and at peace Here.
At first, I was overcome with what almost felt like grief when it was time to leave. The profound peace I’d felt in His all-encompassing presence there was numbing, if not addictive. For a split second, I’d even thought to myself, “Maybe I could just come back here and live”? So, I began searching for the words to describe to myself what had just happened to me beneath those windows. No, I take that back … what happened within me. That’s when I was pulled back to a song I’ve been listening to for more than two decades. It is, perhaps, one of the best ways I’ve found to even remotely describe the physical manifestation of my heart being compressed as every atom in my body is consumed with the tingling, burning sensation I’ve known for years now when He’s present. It’s a feeling I wish I could just “poof” to all of you:
Lovely traces … I can sense Him in everything. The way that He moves me takes me far away … I seek no escape! I am dreaming through His eyes. I am wandering through His mind. I’m overtaken by the way that He delivers me … I’m transcended. There’s no place I’d rather be than here in Heaven. Without Him I’m incomplete … it’s hopeless! Wholly devoted … I immerse myself in Him. Baptize me in His love, ’cause drowning in the thought of Him haunts my soul. I’m taken by the things He does. It doesn’t matter what I lose … I’m His. Under His command, like a puppet on a string. I am willing to put my faith in Him, so, before the world I sing:He consumes me. He consumes me. Like a burning flame running through my veins. He consumes me. Moves right through me. Any time, any place … He invades my space. He consumes me.
{Words to “You Consume Me” Adapted}
When we got on the bus and were heading back to Rome, I just closed my eyes and drifted off to sleep, fully comforted in knowing that not only will I never forget that sacred place, but more so than anything, I was taking those high cathedral walls and the feeling I had there with me. You see, nothing about either my journey through the abbey or this life itself has been meaningless or small. He loves me, consumes me, and dwells WITHIN me. I am warm, well fed, and at peace wherever I roam. Oh, and I truly amHis favorite daughter.
Don’t get me wrong, folks. I don’t do things for anyone from a selfish place. The altruistic soul my skin adorns refuses to give of myself for personal gain. I do what I do for the people in my halo (and sometimes even strangers) from a place of unbridled love and passion for pebble-skipping and wave-making, regardless of whether I’ll ever see the tsunami of fruit from the gifts of my heart and hands. I truly don’t need to be “seen, heard, or appreciated”. It literally sets my soul on fire to at least try to make all the people, places, and things I’ve touched better than I found them, and that feeling is reward enough for me … BUT … I’m not gonna lie, folks … I don’t hate it, either!
With that, I am blasted right back to the past to one of my favorite “oldies but goodies”, Circa 1999, which I am now blasting back out to my babies, my God, and even myself:
Hey, look at me, living life for you. When it’s good. When it’s hard. You know me. You know my heart. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I give up anything at all when You call. All I know … it’s worth it all!
Make it a powerful Monday, friends! If there’s someone in YOUR life whose works and deeds have made it better, but perhaps you haven’t told them yet, SAY THE WORDS that tell them.
One hasn’t lived until they’ve seen a man who they thought was a tower of steel on the verge of tears after what was probably their last “Daddy/Daughter Dance” until her wedding day. How did this all go so wrong? Please allow me to be a blubbering mess for the remainder of this night, and (PS), grief SUCKS and mental illness can burn in actual HELL!
On second thought, get it etched on the inside of your forearm where my favorite “Secrets Make You Sick” tattoo is so you’ll see it 24/7.
So, let’s think this through …
Close your eyes for a minute and think about something you don’t like. It can be anything from a person, place, or thing, to a fresh hot steamin’ bowl of lima beans (the mere sight of which make me PUKE). Now that you have that “thing” in the forefront of your mind,
I want you to LOVE IT!
Well? Did you do it? Do you “love it” now? Hmm. Why not? Let’s try this again. I am heretofore demanding that you
LOVE that thing you HATE … NOW!
Did it work? Do you love it now? Umm, no! NO, YOU DON’T! No one can MAKE you “feel” anything unless we want to. It’s one of the perks of being a sentient being. There is freedom within within the confines of our own minds to do, say, think, and FEEL whatever the FUCK we want to. It’s our “this is where I END and YOU BEGIN” autonomy!
I personally have a first-hand perspective of having been programmed from birth to adhere to the thoughts, rules, and pathways that the “powers that be” tried to indoctrinate me with. Even so, there is a POWER within and available to us all to FEEL what we feel, and NOT feel what we DON’T. That POWER is mine! That POWER is yours! NO ONE CAN TAKE IT AWAY FROM US! So, why do we just GIVE it away? No one, and I mean NO ONE, can MAKE you “feel inferior” unless you LET them!
If someone is trying to make you FEEL “inferior”, well, that’s about them, not about you, and, umm, it’s prolly ’cause that’s how they FEEL about themselves. The only way a person who “FEELS inferior” can make themselves feel “not inferior”, is to either deal with themselves and take back their own power, or unleash the ill-perceived “strength” they find in their own deflection try to take someone else’s.
Don’t you DARE let me find out that you are one of my people out there running around letting other people bring you down. You are SO much better than that! I PROMISE! Know who you are, own what you feel, and although you certainly don’t have to be a Jean-Claude Van Damn asshole about it, learn to say, “No, THANK YOU!” when it comes to protecting the boundaries around your FEELINGS!
What I love about song by Rascal Flatts is that while it was obviously meant to be about LOVING who you love, you can replace the word love with “FEEL” throughout and still be empowered by it. Make it a great day, my friends, and FEEL what YOU feel, no matter what!
I guess I’ll never understand it. Why do we take it all for granted until it’s gone. FEEL what YOU feel with all that you have, and don’t waste the time that flies so fast. FEEL what YOU feel, and say that you do. Yeah, with every single breath you’re breathing … FEEL what YOU feel! FEEL what YOU feel … again and again and again and again.
{“Love Who You Love” by Rascal Flatts … Words Adapted}
Awwww! How sweet! Hugs, hugs, hugs, hugs, Jean-Claude Van DAMN mother effing hugs! Step right up, folks, ’cause it’s “National Hugging Day“, which I guess means that imma have to stay in my effing house, ’cause umm …
Did you also know that hugs were invented to drive that probably only 0.1% of humanity who not only don’t like hugs, but after they’ve had to cordially, awkwardly, or unexpectedly get hugged by some well-intended “hugger” who prolly didn’t even mean to assault them, they then have to go rinse their body and soul off with SOAP and SAGE quite literally over the edge? Yup. THAT’S ME! I’m one of those oddball “0.1 percenters” who doesn’t really even want to “people“, much less be stood too close to or HUGGED (unless I WANT TO)!
Ironically, if for some strange reason I really DO want a hug or some, err, “other” (wink, wink) kind of physical connection from a MAN, I literally can’t and WON’T keep my hands off him without either a restraining order or death. My poor husband, God rest his soul, had to literally hide from me at times because assaulting his physicality was my favorite recreational sports.
MEANWHILE …
Hi everyone! It’s me, CAT! Unless I’ve known you for, like, 140 years, and have a VERY close relationship with you … OR I’ve given birth to you … OR you’re going to be party to giving me grandchildren one day … OR I’ve been in love with, engaged to, or married to you … if you see me walking by, look away and don’t get any smart ideas. I may be a “cute” cat at times, but I’ve also been arrested for assaulting someone who physically assaulted me against my will, and will happily go back again.
Now, get out there and just hug the ever loving SHIT out of anyone in your path – BUT – on the off chance that you got this message “loud and clear” and you see me out of the castle today, alls I’m sayin’ is that maybe you could at least just warn a bitch first:
Umm, hi! Did you KNOW that today is National Hugging Day? Guess what, then? INCOMING!
Ten miles from town, and I didn’t break down, and there wasn’t any smoke on the side of the road. I’m here on my own … but I’m not alone … ’cause wherever I am is my home. All that I’m after is a life full of laughter, and although I won’t be laughing with you, I know that all that still matters is love ever after after the life went through. Yes, there’s still life after you.
The Frog may be gone, the Butterfly he left behind still flitters and flutters with reckless abandon through the skies with a tail fire that rivals even the brightest shooting stars.
Some day, God willing, I’ll drive my grandkids back to this place and tell them all about how everyone thought that Crazy Grandma Cat’s husband was nothin’ but a loser who was gonna have us all living under a bridge.
Hey, ladies? Never forget that Prince Charming doesn’t always ride up on a white horse with a sword. Sometimes he rolls in with an ass ugly Ford truck, a giant heart, and a pocket full of dreams. Dig for the gold that you find in their heart … NOT the gold in their wallet. Just have unconditional love for and faith in him, support hisdreams in every way possible, don’t bust his balls while he’s busting his own balls trying to get you that tiara, and just see what might could happen!
Everything changed for the better this night on the thirty year anniversary of her death. Maybe she wasn’t really the devil incarnate … or evil … or my enemy. Maybe she was only ever meant to be the ying to my other Grandma’s yang and one of my greatest lessons in forgiveness, power, and grace of all. For that, I say this:
Grandma, if you can hear me, maybe I had this all wrong? I, of all people, know EXACTLY what it’s like to be a little girl hiding in grown woman’s body so desperately far away from The Sun. Maybe it really IS true that “hurt people HURT people”, and that you, like me, did the best that you could to just SURVIVE.
I’m sorry. SO sorry! Please forgive me for all of the things I’ve thought in my head, and worse yet, the many AWFUL words about you that I put out into the atmosphere. Hey, who knows? Maybe I’ll see, you, too, on the brighter side of all this GREY. I love you.
(PS) If you happen to see my baby, my husband, my Grandma Mary, and my GRANDPA, tell them all that I love them!
(PSS) Oh, and one last thing. If you happened to be watching us through your telescope, perhaps you saw this, too, today? It would appear that THIS, of all Christmas Eves since you left, was meant for some OTHER miracles of forgiveness, power, and grace, too …
This world needs every nugget, glimmer, and beacon of of hope it can get. No, God has not forsaken us, but it can sure as HELL feel that way at times. I get it – I do! Even still, the choice is yours to wake up each day and DECIDE to be a Light in SOMEONE else’s darkness, no matter what less than optimal circumstances and storms are befuddling you. Let these words be the song your soul sings to the people in your direct line of FIRE:
When The Sun is hard to find … when it’s raining in your eyes … when the shadows block those pretty little blue skies living inside you. When the falling of your tears, makes a candle disappear … when you just can’t see The Light, baby I’ll find a way to shine. I’ll find a way to shine!
(“Shine” by Keith Urban)
By the way, don’t forget to sing this one to YOURSELF as often as necessary. I sure as HEAVEN do! After all, I am my own greatest love story, so, why shouldn’t I sing love songs to myself? Now, snap to it people! Get out there and SHINE today. Someone on your path might really need to catch your disease.
… and just like that, a very short but powerful 47 second speech by Tyler Perry that I just happened to stumble across tonight became a part of my life story via this Diary because it IS the very short but powerful story of all the bittersweet and beautiful seasons of my extraordinary life.
… and thus, the fourth but probably not last appearance of one of my ultimate “Death Punches” to the heart life songs which is the very first thing that came to my mind when I was listening to this 47 seconds of greatness. For those of you who haven’t heart this beautiful speech yet, know that the “less than a minute” you’ll spend listening to it will be more than worth your investment. ENJOY!
When I saw this Heraclitus quote recently, one of my all-time favorite songs by one of my all-time favorite bands immediately came to mind, so, I thought I’d pair them together in honor of the 36th anniversary of its release this week:
If there’s one thing I’ve learned in the course of my bittersweet and beautiful lifetime, it’s that the only thing that never changes is the fact that everything changes. Yet, the mere contradiction in the constant “inconsistency” of our existence is something we can all be thankful for. Do me a favor and close your eyes for three seconds, then open them:
ONE one hundred …
… TWO one hundred …
… THREE one hundred!
Well? Did you do it? GOOD! In case you didn’t know, every shred of everything about not just your life, but the entirety of the world as we know it just changed. While you were busy counting, and even if nothing about you or your surroundings seems different, IT IS! Meanwhile, the wisest of us know that the ability to adapt to constant change is the one true key to survival. Just thing about your ancestors, God rest their souls:
One hundred years have gone and men again they came that way to find the answer to the mystery. They found his body lying where it fell on that day, preserved in time for all to see. What became of the man that started? All are gone and their souls departed. Left me here in this place so all alone.
As overwhelming as this whole “living” gig can seem, and especially given that sometimes it really can feel as though you’re walking solo through a frozen tundra – NO! You are never all alone! JUST LOOK INSIDE A MIRROR! You are them! They are you! You’re the living embodiment of the quarters they kept and all of the changes they had to weather so that you could be standing upright in this brave new world. They’re beside you and behind you every step of the way, whispering:
Hey, you got this! You’re one of ours and we’ve already carved your path.
Look, I’m no scientist and certainly no expert on the power of our DNA, but I do know that somewhere in the history of mankind was the very first of “me and mine” and “you and yours”. I’m a woman who stands firmly and proudly upon the mountain of untold trials, errors, lessons, and survival of the countless of my people who came before me. I’m the living, breathing, warrior QUEEN that they produced. Is there really “true royalty” in my bloodline? Who knows? WHO CARES? As far as I’m concerned, it’s not a piece of paper or public opinion that made me who I am today … it’s all those beloved “cave-people” of mine who set me up for success, NOT FAILURE, so, imma make sure that I represent them well and not let any of their sacrifices or wisdom that’s hard-wired in me have been in vain.
For the record, although on the surface, the song seems dark and sad, for me, it became the road map to the flip side of its lyrics:
But now it seems to me that NOTHING’S lost and ALL is gained. Sometimes things ARE what they seem. They heard me calling, rescued me, and set me free in this place, but NEVER lost and alone.
I’ll wrap this up now with one of my favorite quotes by Mariam Rose, the beloved Aboriginal activist, faithful Christian, and artist:
When we heal ourselves, we heal our ancestors from wounds that run deep in our family. When we heal our ancestors, we heal the world from wounds that run deep in humanity.
Carry on, now, all you cavepeople and have a HAPPY and THANKFUL Thanksgiving!
Okay, so maybe the lyrics to this song don’t really speak to the “32 pennies” epiphany I had this weekend while driving home from Nashville. Even so, these words do apply:
Thirty two pennies in a Ragu jar … that’s all I’ve got to my name … but I love her and she loves me … to the pennies it’s all the same.
Meanwhile, and might I just add how frigging cool the power of “music alchemy” is once again? And last, but not least …
To My Kids,
Regardless of the road we’ve walked together and all the sauce your Dad and I spilled on the proverbial table of your lives, always know that “I loved him and he loved me”. You were both born to this world from love.
Although we may not have had the entire dollar to give each other and sometimes even you two, please know with every shred of your beings that your dad and I both did the very best we could with the set of broken utensils from our own childhoods to make you the best damn sauce we could and fill your childhood piggy banks with as many pennies as possible.
If God is the God I know He is and He continues not to forsake me, I have to believe that each of you will add even better ingredients and more and shinier pennies to your own families’ pots of sauce one day. Just “take the best parts of us“, lock them away without the key, and know that win, lose, or draw, we are always by your sides … now … and eternally. I love you.
~ “BMITW”
… and if I die with a penny in my pocket, then I guess that’s all I need!
Will you know if it’s happiness you see? Will you feel a different side of me? And if you let it go, would you come back to haunt me? Are you doing the best that you can?We can wait here for tomorrow, or we can find ourselves right now.Think about all that we’ve wasted trying to figure all this out.I know it’s not too late to turn it all into something beautiful.
Can you see The Light still needs to shine inside of you through the windows you can’t find? Will you let me go? I’m tired of hiding. I’m trying to find my way. We can wait here for tomorrow, or we can find ourselves right now. Think about all that we’ve wasted trying to figure all this out. I know it’s not too late to turn it all into something beautiful.
All you need is a chance to believe.
{Words Adapted by The Real Cat Williamson}
~ Love, Me!
Well, yeah, Me. The Light still does shine inside of me … and no, I will never let you go. We’re The REAL Cat Williamson … “Warrior. Motivator. SURVIVOR;”. WE GOT THIS!
In my lifetime, I have had either the unfortunate or very fortunate (depending on how you look at it) privilege of discovering just how many different ways there are to die, both literally and figuratively. Through it all, though, getting to love you and be loved by you taught me this one most powerful thing …
Indeed, there are many ways a person can die, but there’s only one way a person can live … with unbridled, unwavering, and truly unconditional love. If my love alone could have saved you, you would surely have lived forever, as those are the ways I loved you. I still forgive you for leaving us the way you did to wander in this garden without you, and no matter how awful this world may ever seem to be, the story of “me” will always be extraordinarily beautiful because you were in it.
A Chinese Proverb that I’ve grown to love says:
It is better to be a warrior in a garden then a gardener at war.
With that, it is my truest prayer that as you’re looking down on me now and then through your supernova telescope in stars, that you’re proud of the warrior queen I’ve become as I tend to this garden we started together alone.
As I’m sure you already know, I’m God’s actual favorite daughter, and perhaps my greatest victory in this life has been in accepting and embracing my divinely appointed purpose of punctuating this seemingly Godforsaken world with as much of the Light I can find and wield.
I’m learning how to pick my battles much better day by day, because if loving you and getting to be a part of your story taught me anything, it’s that peace is always better than war … especially when it comes to the wars we fight from within. It still breaks my heart when I think of all the ways you suffered here having never truly found your own peace within. Pray GOD that you finally have now.
Just because you won’t be here for the full bounty of what my heart had to give you, it doesn’t mean it’s still not there. There are an infinite number of universes out there where I can and do still walk with you, talk with you, laugh with you, and am held by you in the ever-growing gardens of my mind.
While it’s no big secret that loving you changed my life forever, losing you has done the same, because it was all the love you poured into me that helped me find all this power and grace. These abundant gifts you left behind are mine to keep until the day I move on to the brighter side of grey and leave it all behind for my babies. I will love you eternally, Zachariah.
I see you’ve got me blocked for some reason. I’d love to know more about that.
Lol! I BET you would!
I was just strollin’ through my calendar, and uh, you probably realize, but it was on this specific date on 1995 when you and I met …
Umm? NO, I didn’t realize!
Crazy, isn’t it? Oh my gosh! 1995. It’s been a minute.
YAH think?
The irony in this actual bottle of douche using the word “crazy” in a sentence is how in the aftermath of the nightmare he put me through, he tried convincing everyone, including me, that I was effing “crazy”.
Meanwhile, guess who’s still calling who after 23 fucking years, still keeping our “special dates” on his calendar, and still thinking of ME when he sees a a drop dead gorgeous woman on social media. Although, I must admit that he was dead-on, tiny balls accurate in that correlation, ’cause, umm, for a “fifty-THREE-it’s-SO-good-to-be-ME” year old biotch, I STILL look pretty good. So, with that, “Hey, you … MacHeebie FUCKING Jeebie?”
HOW DO YA LIKE ME NOW?
If you don’t know what “hoovering” is, it’s a narcissist’s strategy to manipulate IT’S (not “their”) victim and either keep them or suck them back in as “supply“. They use this emotionally abusive tactic when they realize their victim is trying to untangle themselves from their toxic web and get the FUCK away.
For those of you concerned that my Diary entries about him are somehow playing with fire, if MacNumNuts had any sincere interest in me aside from his pathetic desperation, he’d have likely read them by now. Clearly, he has not, because not only does his self-grandiosity and delusion make any attempts at sincerity impossible, if he had read anything about himself here, he’d most likely have slithered back under his rock.
So, with that, I’m MacMOOVING right along now. For the record, the reason I’m publishing this today and not back on April 22nd when the voicemail was sent is because I only recently found both these gems in my blocked contact trash. As I’ve said before, I only ever go digging through the garbage hunting for things that are truly worth my time and attention for repurposing into treasures.
Excuse the mess – I didn’t it you from behind. I caught a glimpse, but the reflection’s only mine. It’s almost like I’m paralyzed and locked outside myself. I don’t need to concede, because I won’t be someone else!Well, I am not perfect … and I don’t claim to be … and if that’s what you wanted, well then, I’m so sorry! How about a better version of the way that I am? How about a better version that makes me understand? How about a better version of the way that I am? The way I look? The way I speak? HOW ‘BOUT A BETTER VERSION OF ME?
To call it one of my favorites just wouldn’t do it justice. It’s so much more than just a song to me … IT’S A WAY OF LIFE! I will never forget the first time I ever heard it – mid-workout at a gym with a King who truly adored “the version” that I was then. Yet, as I listened to the words, they shredded me in a zillion awful and amazing ways at once. After that, I would listen to it daily as I worked on rewiring my fragile psyche and heal my broken relationship with ME. Then, BAM! Before I knew it, that NASTY habit of refusing to look into a mirror and say, “I LOVE YOU!” just disappeared.
If YOU don’t love you, 100% unconditionally, EVEN on your darkest of days, and value, see, and TREAT yourself as EPIC living masterpiece that you are, why would anyone else?
With all that being said, and in honor of this and every “Recovery Day International“, please remember to be patient and gentle with yourself while you’re trying to change bad habits. Dare I say that perhaps the worst of them all – “not loving yourself” – can be found at the root of most of the others. The better version of you is counting on you to stay the course, my friend, so, just stay on “Route 66” and give it a try! Do or say at least ONE kind thing while your standing in the mirror for 66 days in a row and see what can happen!
~ Elizabeth Alexandra Mary Windsor ~ April 21, 1926 – September 8, 2022
In case you didn’t know, I’m a “royalist” at heart, always have been, and always will be, and Her Majesty’s passing today finds me in bittersweet tears.
Indeed, there have been and still are many critics of the monarchy over the years, but if you have ever taken a deeper look behind the veil that is The Windsor Dynasty, you will find relatable human people that are THE living embodiment of “SURVIVAL – at ALL costs – under EVERY circumstance”.
Her Majesty was THE benchmark standard of loyalty, honor, and duty, and so, too, was her late, beloved prince, The Duke Of Edinburgh, who was one of the less than a handful of “famous people” who I would have truly liked to have gotten a chance to sit down and have one of those “Lucky Charms moments” with.
~ The Crown ~ Season 1 • Episode 1 • “Wolferton Splash”
Her Majesty and The Duke both very much understood “the job”, but how many of us can truly say the same? Life in a gilded cage isn’t for the faint of heart, this I know too well, and while I don’t rule over an actual kingdom, I am a mother and have been a wife, in which regard I am THE very axis upon which my own own little “dynasty” spins. As such, I have taken my job as “queen of their hearts” very seriously, and yes, I, too, have understood the assignment and what it means to “SURVIVE – at ALL costs – under EVERY circumstance” with the power and grace of a risen queen.
Likewise have I also very much appreciated what it mean to be the often unsung hero that MY beloved Prince Phillip always was, always in the background sacrificing his own wants and dreams to ensure that her reign looked effortless and that she was supported.
I could wax on poetically with my thoughts on this today, but I will now be getting back to the TV. “Hi everyone, it’s me, CAT, an American “royalist” far across the pond in Dallas, Texas, USA, who will be glued to the screen as this story avails in both bittersweet and joyful tears. And by the way, how fortuitous is it that my daughter is home sick with me today so that she can watch this historical, live coverage with me as well? She, of all people, knows exactly how I feel about the history of this remarkable family and why it is so important for us all to understand and appreciate it. Of course, I am not happy that she isn’t feeling well, but of all the days for her to be home with me, today is the perfect day.
Farewell, Godspeed, and goodbye. You have lived, and you have changed all our lives.
{Alter Bridge}
Surely your handsome Prince awaits you in the GREATEST kingdom of all. You were loved by many and your legacy of strength and fortitude will live on forever.
Well done, Your Majesty! “May flights of angels sing you to your rest.”
When you wish upon a star, makes no difference who you are. Anything your heart desires will come to you. If your heart is in your dream, no request is too extreme. When you wish upon a star as dreamers do, like a bolt out of the blue, Fate steps in and sees you through …
… and when you wish upon a star, you MIGHT even end up with an epic amount of “MOM GUILT”, two Benadryls, then the sweetest validation ever from your Mona Lisa daughter that despite your many failings, you’re still doing a “magical” job!
Yes, my friends, it was on THIS day exactly five years ago that my lovely daughter ever so lovingly reminded me of that time I lost her at fucking DISNEYWORLD! Yah! I’m THAT mom, and guess what? YOU’RE READING MY BLOG!
Yes, it is true that my husband had to medicate me with Benadryl to get me to calm down … but hey … at LEAST in her report she spun it in a TOTALLY less “EPIC MOM FAIL” way!
Hi everyone! It’s me, CAT!
Hot Mess Express – Party Of ONE!
Imma find that report she actually wrote which I only recently found while we were cleaning out my office and upload it into this Diary entry later! In the meantime, does anyone out there want “Aunt Cat” to take their small children to Disney?
Dear God in HEAVEN, how I literally adore my life … EPIC “mom fails” and all … and especially my two beautiful children who somehow seem to think that I’m an “100/10 perfect momma” despite my own damn self and MANY bungles. Something in my heart tells me that if either of them had it to do all over again and were actually offered the chance to “pick a mom … ANY mom”, they still woulda picked ME out of a lineup! That’s something, right? I’m sticking with YES, it is!
In the land of dirt and plaster, lies an army of a thousand nowhere kids losing ground and falling faster into a life that no one should have to live. Behind the fake family image … behind the smile of a thousand moms and dads … inside the cage that we’ve been given … I see an image of the future that we don’t have. We are the people that you hate. We are the bastards that YOU created. A generation with no place. A generation of all YOUR sons and daughters.
(Smile Empty Soul)
So, I have this “Life According To Real Cat” theory, and I’m sorry that I’m NOT sorry in advance if this Diary entry twists anyone’s drawers all up their ass … BUT …
The relationship a human being either has or doesn’t have with their biological MOTHER birth sets the tone for the entirety of their life. Short of that, every single thing a child hears (or doesn’t hear) and experiences (or doesn’t experience), has a physiological influence on their potential future mindsets, perceptions, and overall mental “wealth”.
Trust me when I say that I personally know from whence I speak, ’cause in case any of you missed the memo, I was married to a “nowhere kid” whose less than abysmal mother “THING” abandoned and left him behind to literally disintegrate before our eyes and ROT in his own remains.
This is why I fiercely believe that childhood toxicity, abuse, neglect, and abandonment – especially by a “mother” – are amongst the most egregious crimes against humanity.
Parents who abuse, abandon, or neglect their children are the bane of mankind’s existence – and they’re gross – and thank you JESUS that Karma truly IS a bitch. I desperately need to believe that such crimes WILL NOT be overlooked by this Cosmos or it’s God.
Oh, and BY the way …
I am not and have not been a perfect parent. Thankfully, however, I have grown to be a parent who at least tries to fix some of the things that I’ve broken and do better. Life behind the walls of this castle is no longer life behind the walls of a “fake family image“. The smile on my face grows brighter by the minute ever since the day I decided to start breaking our family’s chains and releasing my kids from the cage so that their futures can be the ones I could never see.
Indeed, it is true that Superman really has left the building. But guess what, people? The Wonder Woman he left behind is still doing A-OK! Yes, I know, this video is SUPER long, but I PROMISE that it’s well worth watching!
Meanwhile …
I seriously DO love my incredibly absurd but insanely beautiful life, up to and including every single jacked up and twisted thing that has happened FOR me, not TO me!
Exactly how many girls do you know who can legitimately say they had a real life superhero step off of an elevator and help her save her own life? Yup! I CAN! Jean-Claude Van DAMN, I’m one hell of a lucky woman. As it turns out, though, it wasn’t actually Superman who carried me in his arms to get me where I am today. It was MY own divinely punctuated strength, power, and grace that carried me here today.
Supermandid, however, help me find all those gifts I already had hiding within me. As it turned out, he had someplace else he needed to be, like maybe “stuck at the five and dime”, but NOT before making sure I had this cape and crown of my own. He must have gotten stuck at the five and dime.
Ah, and now THIS is where I get to the BEST part of this hero’s tale:
… because some memories are so much better than others, ESPECIALLY ones like these that remind you yet again that although the MOST beautiful season you shared with him is over, the many powerful and life-changing words of affirmation he wrote across your heart are not.
I’m proud of myself right now for seeing this “memory” today and not shedding a single tear. Rather, all I could do is smile with pride, because after all was said and done, and although at first I couldn’t see the me he saw on those days he’d FORCE me to look at myself in a mirror and try to see myself through his eyes, I see her loud and fucking clear these days not only every time I HAPPILY look into a mirror, but even more so when I look at my kids. They are my legacy. They are the reason he fought so hard for me to make peace with my own reflection.
In my heart, I think he always knew he wouldn’t be here with me until the end, which is why he was hell bent on preparing to LITERALLY rise above his ashes. God knew it, too, so maybe that’s why God sent him to me in the first place, just as maybe I was meant to be HIS “crowning achievement”. The day he died, I became his legacy, and so on the circle goes …
As Elsa from that “Frozen” movie once said over, and over, and over again … “Let ’em go! Let’ em go! Let all those driveway bullshitters GO!” Okay, so maybe that’s not how the song really goes, but you HAVE to get my drift! NO ONE is worth making yourself physically ill and literally “inflamed and swollen” for!
If you are the one emitting the noxious, toxic fume that’s making the people around you physically ill, “inflamed”, and “swollen”: DON’T BE A TOXIC WASTELAND! There’s a “Real Cat” name for you here in this Diary, and umm, do you really want to be thought of as a “Drinking Straw Parasite“?
I now return you to your regularly scheduled programming, but not until you go ahead and listen to this oh so cliche’ freakin’ Disney princess song about why you need to just LET GO of the toxins in your life. Whether you’re ingesting them or emitting them … LET ‘EM GO!
Jean-Claude Van DAMN, my kids’ father has done way too many things to count to make think about literally running him over. FYI, I wouldn’t really run anyone over, so simmer down if you’re thinking about calling Dateline NBC right now. At “fifty-TWO-good-to-be-true” years old and not far from “fifty-THREE-it’s-SO-good-to-be-me“, if I’d been capable of actually running someone over, I’m certain it would have happened by now. But I’ve digressed!
My point is that this very German man who I’ve loved to hate so many times really has pissed me off during the course of our lifetime with our kids together (because after all, I’m such a perfect mom, lol). But guess what? Even after all the “way too many things” he’s pulled, THESE are the moments and stories I desperately want our kids to remember and tell their kids down the road.
Hey, BRATS! I mean “Crazy Grandma Cat’s grandkids“! Let me tell you a super cool story about your Grandpa and “the day of the epic schnitzel sandwich”!
To any “co-parenters” out there reading this right now, please remember that no matter how many times you’ve thought about running your baby’s momma or daddy over, or HOW many jacked up things they’ve done to you, if and when they do something epically right, be sure and give them the props they are due, and tell your kids the same. While no parent is perfect, and some of us can and have been nightmares, sometimes we manage to do things that are redeeming. When it happens, what could be the harm in saying, “Good job”?
Keep on looking for the brighter sides of all this grey, my parent friends. Embrace it when you find it and do what you can to change the toxic narrative being pipe-lined to your children’s psyches. Trust me when I say that not only will they likely look back and thank you for it, nuggets like these will serve their both mental wealth and their memories so much better than, “I’m pretty sure my mom wanted to run my dad over”. Just sayin’!
Have you ever wondered how to spot the most truly intelligent person in the room? Well, I’ll tell ya! In my personal experience, the most intelligent people in any space are usually the ones who don’t have much to say. In fact, studies have shown that the more introverted a person is, the higher their IQ seems to be. A true intellect in a room full of people is typically just listening, digesting, and formulating their own carefully thought and not impulsive answers to any and every question that could possibly be pondered, and depending on the crowd, they may still not say a word, opting instead to keep their pearls of wisdom to themselves rather than throwing them before all the swine.
MY POINT BEING …
Be careful of all the bullshit you’re slinging in front of those super quiet “sleeper cell” geniuses. You never know if they’re just sitting back, sizing you up, silently calling you out on your idiocy, and laughing their own really “smart asses” off as they watch not only you hang yourself with the snake oil that you’re peddling, but all the other “not so know it all dumbasses” who are actually buying what you’re selling.
Trust me when I tell you that what I’m saying is true. Not only was I married to a “sleeper cell genius”, but I’ve given birth to two. Zack Williamson’s IQ was 147, and although they haven’t been tested, I know that both my kids are somewhere in that realm as well! I couldn’t so much as pass a cat-sized TURD of bullshit past Zack, lest I end up eating it, and my kids are the same damn way.
I’m Jean Claude Van DAMN telling you, people. Watch out for those quiet ones that don’t have much to say! When they finally do decide to engage with you in a conversation, they’ll drop a smart bomb on ya the size of the Atlantic Ocean that you’ll never see coming and won’t even have to say the words “SHUT THE FUCK UP!” to make SHUT YOU THE FUCK UP and walk away in shame! Just thought I’d share!
So, Cat, what do you think is worse, being terminally ill, or so poor that your almost homeless?
What’s worse than either of these awful scenarios is being fiscally “rich” under any circumstance, yet still being mentally poor. No matter the size of the roof over your head, or even a lack thereof, being mentally vanquished is often a terminal illness. This is not to say that homelessness can’t be either caused by or the catalyst of a decline in mental “wealth”. Fortunately, homelessness isn’t always permanent.
Sadly, I can think of an extremely personal example of this plight. That “poor man” I married ended up dying a KING with a roof atop his castle that most people could never imagine. Even still, he left this world emotionally bankrupt and void of any fortitude or psychological well-being. At the end of the day, the wisest of us already know that while being financially wealthy can’t fix or cure anything, being mentally wealthy CAN!
I had no idea how I’d memorialize this holiday when I woke up today, until, that is, I’d grabbed a few things from my gift-wrapping stash to dress up a few last presents. THEN IT HAPPENED! In case you didn’t know, I’m a huge proponent of recycling seemingly useless things that some people would throw away, especially inasmuch as I very much consider my life to be a repurposed work of art. Now that I think of it, it’s all the recycled and repurposed people I’ve crossed paths with thus far who’ve found their way closest to my heart. Meanwhile, and as such, each year after Santapalooza is over and the ground below the tree is buried in crumpled up paper, ribbons, bows, and tags, it’s not at all uncommon to find me rooting through the aftermath like a packrat for bits and pieces of anything that can be used again next season.
Imagine my surprise, then, when I reached into my “‘little drawer of tags” only to find this one from the very last Christmas present Gia would ever give Zack on his last one with us in 2018. Although it’s true that he took endless pieces of my heart with him when he left, as I sit here writing this, I am staring at a tag that in a perfect world would have been hanging on a gift for him, and I’m smiling from ear to ear.
I cannot tell you how many times I wandered back to where I’d left it this morning, picked it up, and literally held it to my heart, because this silly little thing means that he was here with us in the first place. I will cherish this unexpected treasure for as long as I’m alive and eventually pass it back to Gia, who I know will also cherish it for the same exact reasons I do. Despite all the pain, heartache, and sorrow he brought into our world at the end, the decade that proceeded his insanity that we had him whole and healthy was one of the greatest gifts of our lives.
If there is just one wisdom that I’ve acquired on my journey thus far that I could “gift” to all of you, it’s that grieving the deaths of the people we’ve loved and lost is one of the highest honors and utmost triumphs of our existence. To have loved and been loved by those we were connected to enough to grieve is a privilege that not everyone gets to have. The truth of the matter is that when we get to the very end of the road with those we’ve loved and lost, the only “gifts” that will have really mattered is knowing that that WE HAD THEM and THEY HAD US! The abundance of true joy that I’m feeling right now is proof positive of what I’ve long known to be true, that “Death Is Nothing At All” and I am still the most blessed living queen that has ever reigned on this Earth.
Said goodbye, turned around, and you were gone, gone, gone. Faded into the setting sun – slipped away. But I won’t cry, ’cause I know I’ll never be lonely, for you are the stars to me. You are the light I follow.
Merry Christmas to all you beautiful people who took the time to read this Diary entry. If, like me, you celebrated Jesus’s birthday with a person missing from your table, know that they’re saving you a seat at the table where we will dine with our Lord and Savior eternally. Until that day comes, try and remember that although the bodies that packaged their souls were only ever meant for us to borrow, the precious love and memories they left behind are ours to keep forever. Just as this tag found it’s way back to me in the unexpected way that it did, someday those borrowed gifts we had to give back will find there way back to us when we finally get to see them again.
I completely understand what you are saying my friend, I’ve been where you are. Even to this day, I am a “fifty-TWO-good-to-be-true” UNVALIDATED child of parents who refuse to “hear or see me”. But guess what? THOSE DAYS ARE GONE NOW, because as hopefully you yourself know by now, it is job number ONE of an unvalidated child turned adult to be reparent yourself, REVALIDATE yourself, and then keep doing it over, and over, and over again. It is unclear by the title of this question whether you are referring to “children” you may have one day, or “children” you already have. In either case, always remember:
THE HAMMER DROPS WITH YOU!
If and when you are ever faced with a scenario wherein you don’t feel as though you are validating your children’s feelings, close your eyes and picture yourself as a child at the age that they are in that moment and remember how it felt to be you. It is probably obvious to anyone reading your question that you are clearly aware of this “issue” you’ve had in your own past and desperately don’t want to repeat your family’s history. Not only is that admirable, but it’s MORE than half the steps you need to keep going in the parenting direction you want to go. Look, I’m not generally a huge fan of “looking back” at the past, because, THE PAST IS DONE AND OVER! That being said, there are certain instances when our hindsight really is “20/20” – especially when it comes to our own children. I wish you well in your parenting venture my friend. Raising kids is not for the faint of heart, and sadly not enough people doing it are actively breaking those SICK familial gifts that just keep on giving.
… because for every time I, myself, was my very own worst enemy, “hammer in hand” and all, having to just sit back now and watch helplessly as one of the very few human beings I’ve ever truly loved wields that same familiar hammer is all but fucking devouring me! That Godforsaken mallet has been smashing the hearts, minds, and souls of everyone whose ever touched it for only GOD knows how long. In the meantime …
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. Living one day at a time, enjoying one moment at a time, accepting hardship as a pathway to peace, taking, as Jesus did, this sinful world as it is, not as I would have it, trusting that You will make all things right if I surrender to Your will so that I may be reasonably happy in this life and supremely happy with You forever in the next. As for me and mine? It’s SO GOOD to be alive!
TO BE ALIVE
I know you don’t believe it like I believe it. Oh no, it’s not your fault – you sit alone inside a room – wait for the world to come to you. They never do. It must be something that you can’t let go. It hurts that you won’t let me know. Every time you want to, any time I touch you, I can’t help to be myself. I hold on to this moment – any time is right to be alive. And then in conversation, I love the way you mention, “nothing’s ever gone your way” with a hammer in your hand. You spell out a master plan. You never learn. It must be somebody holding your heart. Something that tears us apart. Every time you want to, any time I touch you, I can’t help to be myself. I hold on to this moment – any time is right to be alive. And I don’t think that it’s right to let love pass by. Any time of life, it’s good to be alive. {Def Leppard}
At this point in my life, I have become a staunch proponent of leaving the past in the past, because looking in the rearview mirror can do much more harm than good if you haven’t reached that threshold yet where even beautiful memories can level you. That being said, I am also wise enough to know that sometimes you really do have to look backwards in order to keep moving forward. Not only is studying the past the best way to either repeat or not repeat certain cycles, mistakes, triumphs and even people, it can also be where the most authentic looks at ourselves can be found.
For example, the famous “Cheeseburger & Tears” text between Christian and Zack from November 12, 1996, that I recently saw on his phone again. Trust me when I tell you that everything in my soul wanted to burst into tears when I saw it, but then something prolific just washed right over my heart and stopped the tears that were filling my eyes literally dead in their tracks. It was a poignant look at myself through another person’s eyes and words:
I have my own major flaws that your mom doesn’t talk about because she always thinks the best of everyone.
Indeed, it’s true. I really do always think the best of everyone. Well, at least I try to that is. It’s both a major character flaw and a major character perk, depending on “what” or who is on the receiving end of my seemingly bottomless pit of forgiveness. Even now with my boundaries as firmly BOUND and in place as possible, my heart is as ever more marshmallow than steel. I mean, don’t get me wrong, a fortress I truly am, especially when it comes to “peopling“, and as a living queen, I accept nothing less than everything.
At the end of the day, though, as I was sitting with Zack’s phone in my hand trying to decide whether to cry or smile, it was the latter of the two that won the prize. This “Cheeseburger & Tears” text reminded me once again of not just who I am, but that I was truly and unconditionally loved justlike I am, which as we all know is one of the many reasons I’m still sitting here at all with the insurmountable and unconditional love I now have for myself.
Inasmuch as I’ve come to adore Rascal Flatts over the years, of course they were the background music for our many road trip adventures. With that, I cannot tell you how many times this song must have cued up, at which point we’d always lock hands (if they weren’t already locked) and I’d get the “three squeeze I love you“. So, today as I’m listening to it, I’m tweaking the words and singing it to him out loud:
Lying here without you, I know you watch me sleep. The dawn is closing in with every breath I breathe. I can feel the change – the change you made in me. And now I truly see all the things you saw in me. When you said that I was one of a kind. Baby, I couldn’t see it, but you believed that I’m so strong and true. I promise you – I’ll always be this kind of girl, because loved me like I am.
Okay, and just for the record, NOW I’m actually crying my eyes out. Good grief. It’s okay. They’re happy tears, not sad ones. Well, maybe just a little sad. Okay, I’m done.
The Diary Of My Perfection 
You must be logged in to post a comment.