… ’cause, ummm…

… I KINDA ALREADY HAVE ONE!

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again ~ I’m the luckiest, most blessed, badass warrior QUEEN I’ve ever known. I’ve said this before and I’ll say it again … it’s not me …

… IT’S THEM!

… at my left wing is The Father, The Son and The Holy Spirit … at my right wing is the gang of REAL angels that fly behind me 24/7 everywhere I go. Yes, I am sure that many people think I’m CRAZY for believing what I believe, but here’s the deal, folks — I DON’T CARE! I know what I know, I think what I think, and feel what I feel regardless of what anyone else has to say about it. The fact that I’m still standing tall in this sublimely beautiful kingdom of mine like the divinely appointed QUEEN” that I am is living proof of my superhuman power and grace:

I’ve got a hero! I’VE GOT A HERO LIVIN’ IN ME! I’m gonna fight for what’s right. Today I’m speaking my mind – and if it kills me tonight, I will be ready to die. A hero’s not afraid to give his life.

HERO

I’m just a step away. I’m just a breath away. Losin’ my faith today – fallin’ off the edge today! I am just a man – not superhuman. I’M NOT SUPERHUMAN! Someone save me from the hate. It’s just another war. Just another family torn. FALLING FROM MY FAITH TODAY! Just a step from the edge. Just another day in the world we live. I need a hero to save me now! I need a hero! SAVE ME NOW! I need a hero to save my life. A hero’ll save me just in time! I’ve gotta fight today to live another day. Speakin’ my mind today. MY VOICE WILL BE HEART TODAY! I’ve gotta make a stand – but I am just a man. I’M NOT SUPERHUMAN! My voice will be heard today. It’s just another war. Just another family torn. MY VOICE WILL BE HEARD TODAY! It’s just another kill – the countdown begins to destroy ourselves. I need a hero to save me now. I need a hero! SAVE ME NOW! I need a hero to save my life. A hero’ll save me just in time! I need a hero to save my life. I need a hero just in time. Save me just in time. Who’s gonna fight for what’s right? Who’s gonna help us survive? We’re in the fight of our lives and we’re not ready to die! Who’s gonna fight for the weak? Who’s gonna make ’em believe? I’ve got a hero! I’VE GOT A HERO LIVIN’ IN ME! I’m gonna fight for what’s right. Today I’m speaking my mind – and if it kills me tonight, I will be ready to die. A hero’s not afraid to give his life. {Skillet}

You guessed it — it’s a “feeling kinda spry” day for me! “I love me, who do you love?” Don’t get me wrong … I love ALL of you, too. In fact, I truly love everyone. But, I definitely don’t like everyone. Guess what?

THAT’S OKAY!

Indeed, it is true, there are some unfortunate people who pissed this Queen away, yet, for some reason still linger in my atmosphere like clingons. They’re blissfully unaware that I literally, and not metaphorically, LAUGH OUT LOUD at the thought of them. I’m talking about comically small and insignificant people with deluded opinions of themselves who seem to have NO cognitive awareness of the collateral damage their selfish, narcissistic, abusive behaviors have caused, much less what and who they really are: GROSS!

If you are now thinking about the “unfortunates” in your life, that you’re now being reminded that you deserve better so you don’t let them pull that shit again!

Look, I’m all about forgiveness. I mean, come on, HAVE YOU MET ME? I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again … I had to forgive the devil himself for crimes against me and mine that no one would be able to forgive. But “forgiveness” isn’t “forgetness“, and that old adage is a giant crock of actual SHIT!

Yup, we’re all human!

YUP, we all fuck up!

NOPE, that doesn’t excuse our behavior!

Some of us live, learn, and grow from our mistakes. SOME OF US DO NOT! That, my dear friends, is where our boundaries come to the rescue! John 15:12-13 says …

My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you. Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one’s life for one’s friends.

BUT SOMETIMES WE GOTTA LOVE FROM A DISTANCE!

I know I’m not the only one who feels this way about “unfortunates”. I’m just the only one I know who’s saying it out loud. It is what it is, it’s one of my truest joys, and OMG being “fifty-ONE-derful” comes with some lovely perks … not the least of which is not giving two fucks if this post offends “the unfortunates”. (But I am sorry about all the F-bombs in my posts. I suppose it’s a grave hypocrisy that I’m quoting scripture AND dropping F’s all at the same time. I know God hates it when I curse, but hopefully, He understands.

Hi everyone, it’s me, CAT! I’m ever the work in progress!

At the end of the day I am here to say that having both survived textbook narcissism and having found the voice to scream out loud about it is pretty fucking awesome!

So, with that, if you’re one of the people reading this now who is no longer worthy of my time and energy, how’s that workin’ out for ya, ya Jean-Claude Van DAMN little “unfortunate”? Here’s a little serenade just for you!

UNTIL IT’S GONE

A fire needs a space to burn. A breath to build a glow. I’ve heard it said a thousand times – but now I know – that you don’t know what you’ve got, oh you don’t know what you’ve got, no you don’t know what you’ve got … until it’s gone. Until it’s gone. UNTIL IT’S GONE! I thought I kept you safe and sound. I thought I made you strong, but something made me realize that I was wrong, ’cause finding what you’ve got sometimes means finding it alone. And I can finally see your light when I let go … ’cause you don’t know what you’ve got … UNTIL IT’S GONE! {Linkin’ Park}

Okay, so this is SO cool!

But umm …

😹 JUST SAYIN’! 😹

How many women can say they’ve had “this kind of love”, not once, but TWICE? I can say it, BECAUSE IT’S TRUE! Two KINGS on this Earth have loved me. Not one, but TWO! Unconditionally, under even the worst conditions, with every ugly scar, scab, wound and ghost. Yet, as blessed as I’ve been in now being able to say that, here’s the hardcore, sobering truth …

DEATH HAPPENS.

Let’s just face it people – IT DOES! But as I’ve said before, it really is “nothing at all“. No one, and I mean NO ONE, gets out of here alive. Even so, something truly magnificent happens when you find a way to not only make peace with it, but more so than that, to bask in the light of all that it was and everything it brought you and find the strength to let it go gracefully when it’s not meant to stay forever. The memories. The laughter. The joy. Everything that comes after you leave out all the rest is the beauty that rises in the aftermath of “death” and it’s all that really matters.

Now that I think about it, how many people can say they’ve had “this kind of love” from anyone, up to and including their own family? The ability to love without condition isn’t a given and doesn’t come naturally. Well, WAIT! Let me reframe that, as I do firmly believe that we were created to love unconditionally, but from the moment we draw our very first breath, our circumstances and environment are what take us by the hand and the lead us on our journey of “loving”. While the most fortunate of us who were raised in optimal conditions do tend to fare better in their propensity to love and be loved without boundaries, unfortunately, others of us who are born into unfavorable environments laden with generationally toxic relationship tools are doomed right from the womb. Not being able to love or be loved unconditionally is the gift that just keeps on giving.

If you’ve never had “this kind of love” even ONCE in your life, it is my greatest wish that before your journey is over you do. But remember to start with YOU! If you can’t love yourself unconditionally, you’ll never be able to recognize or receive it from anyone else. This beautiful song obviously speaks VOLUMES to my point, so when I listen to it, I sing it to myself! Sounds ridiculous, right? Well, it wasn’t until I was able to rise up and love ME the way I wanted to be loved that “this kind of love” finally found me! Just try it and see what happens!

UNCONDITIONALLY

Oh, no, did I get too close? Oh, did I almost see what’s really on the inside? All your insecurities. All the dirty laundry. Never made me blink one time. Unconditional. Unconditionally. I will love you unconditionally. There is no fear now … let go and just be free. I will love you unconditionally. Come just as you are to me. Don’t need apologies. Know that you are worthy. I’ll take your bad days with your good. Walk through the storm, I would. I do it all because I love you. I love you. Unconditional. Unconditionally. I will love you unconditionally. There is no fear now … let go and just be free. I will love you unconditionally. So open up your heart and just let it begin. Acceptance is the key to be … truly free. Will you do the same for me? {Katy Perry}

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

500. The number of days that have passed since Destiny took me by the hand and started leading me down a path I never saw coming. With that in mind, and in keeping with my “Fifty-ONE-Derful” years of life thus far, I have dubbed today as January 1st, “Twenty-Twenty-ONE-Derful”! Realizing, of course, that I am blessed beyond measure to find myself in a place that while on the surface seems dark and tragic, at its roots is nothing short of a miracle, wrapped in iridescence, and adorned with the most beautiful crown a queen could wear.

I once heard it said that fifty is the beginning of our golden years. As such, I find no coincidence with regard to the fact that as I’ve walked through the fog to the Brighter Side Of Grey, I’ve also managed to stumble upon The Golden Circle. Indeed I’ve come to bittersweet, endearing terms with “my why“, so from this point forward it’s just a matter of discovering “how” and “what”.

If I could have one wish right now, it would be that I really could just zap you all with “this thing” that’s coursing through my veins. It’s my superpower, my ultimate peace, and absolute euphoria! It’s the simple yet overwhelming joy in finally realizing that not everything is about me, because I am nothing, which is why I am everything. It’s my “Nothing. Everything. ALL OF IT” paradigm shift! The cycle is broken.

It is not in my nature to ask for anything from anyone, especially inasmuch as I not only have every “thing” a woman could ever want, likewise I have everything a human being will ever need. Still, here I am asking. First and foremost, if there is ever an opportunity for you share something I’ve said or written that has touched you, will you please share it so that perhaps some of these pebbles I’m skipping across the pond can radiate even further? Second, sit with this beautiful song I love so much and really let it sink in. Let the words wash you clean, lift you up, and encourage you. Let them help you cry if you need to. Let them validate and give you the permission you may have been searching for to let go of some of your burdens and cut yourself some slack so that you too can discover “your why” and become an iridescent Light unto the masses. And last, but not least, make it a beautiful, powerful, and epically life-changing year my friends …

“Twenty-Twenty-ONE-Derful!”

IRIDESCENT

When you were standing in the wake of devastation. When you were waiting on the edge of the unknown. And with the cataclysm raining down, insides crying, “Save me now”, you were there, impossibly alone. Do you feel cold and lost in desperation? You build up hope, but failure’s all you’ve known. Remember all the sadness and frustration – and let it go. Let it go. And in a burst of Light that blinded every angel, as if the sky had blown the heavens into stars. You felt the gravity of tempered grace falling into empty space. No one there to catch you in their arms. Do you feel cold and lost in desperation? You build up hope, but failure’s all you’ve known. Remember all the sadness and frustration – and let it go. Let it go! {Linkin’ Park}

Hello my friends from Nashville, Tennessee, USA! We are still here enjoying our holiday in the crisp, clean, cool mountain air! This morning, as I was enjoying my coffee and preparing for our road trip to Pigeon Forge this afternoon, for some reason I was just thinking about how excited I am to see all the holiday lights and sparkle and twinkle that surely await us this night. Then, my thoughts turned back to ME once again, and my kids, and my extraordinarily beautiful diamond of a life. I’m just so thankful for so many things that even with “all my words”, I was kind of outta words.

Then, I turned my head and saw him sitting there on my sister’s shelf, because never shall there be a trip near or far that he won’t be going with us. Why is that, you ask? Well, I’ll tell you! It’s simply because after all is said and done, we owe so much of this “diamond life” to him … the fallen king who prepared this wide open path for us to move forward in whatever direction we choose.

Then, I smiled and remembered how much I love this song and how he used to laugh whenever I was singing it out loud and literally twirling through whatever space I occupied where he let me be whoever and whatever I wanted to be, hands down, no questions asked, unconditionally.

So, yah, this is my vibe today! I’m gonna rise and shine, as usual, and always, SO bright that it actually does hurt people to look at me. And by the way, this legacy he left us? It only looks forward and never behind (unless we’re remembering all the laughter and joy). ‘Cause I’m a queen, raising a princess and a king, and that’s what I do, and SHINING will be my legacy!

If you are reading this right now, I want you to know that you matter to me! I want to wish every single person who’s still alive and kicking the utmost of love, strength, courage, and perseverance today and always as we head into a brand new year! If you’re gonna make just ONE resolute plan for 2021, let it be this:

Just

Be

KIND!

And by the way, “being kind” includes being kind to YOURSELF! God doesn’t make anything but kings and queens. It’s our job, and our job alone to find our crowns and get them up onto our own heads! No one, and I mean NO ONE, is coming to save you from anything. You have to do that on your own … and … YOU CAN! But not before first learning how to be kind TO YOURSELF. After that, EVERYTHING else will fall into place. I promise!

In case you haven’t figured it out by now, I live in a very special place inside my own head that’s really not so bad! What you see is what you get with me – I’m the happiest “sad person” I think I’ve ever met.

If you’ve been keeping up with this Diary or any of my whacky videos, you’ve probably heard me say that I’m the “luckiest person” I’ve ever met. I love my life – the good, the bad, and the ugly – and am thankful for EVERY day I get to be live it. No matter what broken roads I’ve traveled, and no matter how much I miss my king, I know he’s smiling down on me right now watching me survive with joy, and love, and light. He wouldn’t have wanted it any other way, and his heart would be broken even more than it was in the first place if he couldn’t look down and see me still “being me” – a very happy Cat!

Keep the faith my friends! If you’re struggling in any way, shape, or form? Just breathe, be silly, and try laugh a little more, especially at yourself. It’s perfectly okay to do that, you know, even when your grieving. Much love to all of you today. And remember … NEVER cross a crow!

… whereas some moms might see a “tragedy in ink” down the road temporarily penned on her teenage daughter’s hand, I instead see the limitless potential and possibilities for the extremely talented young Phoenix I’m raising who knows exactly who she is, has a pretty good grasp on what she wants and where she wants to go, and isn’t afraid to express herself, be herself, and see things in herself that while on the surface may look a bit dark, are in reality, extraordinarily beautiful! Sometimes I literally pinch myself because I can NOT believe I made her. I’ve made TWO extraordinary human beings!

I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again:

No one will ever truly understand either the depth of each of their hearts’ bounds or the mountains of ashes they’ve both had to ascend from to teach themselves how to fly. I am such a lucky mom, and I just can’t say it enough! But this girl of mine? She’s one you’ll need to watch out for. As in, STAY OUT OF HER FLIGHT PATH unless you are willing to have your actual eyes burned out by her Light! Her Light makes my Light look like the 5-watt bulb from a nightlamp, even when it appears that she’s “going dark”. I’d be doing myself a grave disservice if I didn’t say that some day when I’m grown up I hope to be just like her! I’m so proud to be their mom! BOTH my kids are my heroes! With all that being said, and so far as the “ink” of it is concerned, all I have left is this:

I’ve loved them all … so much that it hurts” … so I have them all inked to keep them inside … every day for the rest of my life.

INK

Got a tattoo that said, “together through life”. Carved in your name with my pocketknife. And you wonder when you wake up, will it be alright? Oh oh. Oh oh. Feels like there’s something broken inside. All I know, all I know – is that I’m lost whenever you go. All I know is that I love you so. So much that it hurts. Got a tattoo and the paint’s alright. Just want a way of keeping you inside. Oh oh. Oh oh. All I know, all I know … is that I’m lost in your fire below. All I know is that I love you so. So much that it hurts. I see the road that you climb. I see the scars begin to show. I see your colors and I’m dying of thirst. All I know is that I love you so, so much that it hurts.{Coldplay}

… and that moment a simple picture sheds a WHOLE NEW LIGHT ON TWO very simple words:

“CROW’S FEET”

Nothing I have ever survived or risen above will steal my truly blind faith in this Cosmos, as I believe with every shred of my being that regardless of what I think, say or do, there’s a perfectly purposed wheel spinning around me at all times. Like this picture, for instance, wherein some of you may just see “crow’s feet”, which, IS FINE! TO EACH HIS OWN! But I see something so much more than some random corvid’s scaly toes. I see a message from the Big Hand in the sky screaming out to me in living color:

Hey … YOU … REAL Cat! EVERYTHING really IS gonna be okay. Just take a look around at all these promises I’ve sent you.

If you’ve ever heard this song before, you may believe it’s from the perspective of a parent grieving the loss of a child. But the lyrics are open to vast interpretation, so to me it speaks of loss in general and the numbing process of letting go of someone you love and moving on. Within the collage of tattoos on my back is the crow from this song holding white balloons, which represents the final chapter of my life with Him and the beginning of the end of the mental illness I’d been living with for so long. It marked the death of the toxic relationships in my life (not the least of which was with myself), the loss I’d suffered along the way, and the birth of all that could possibly be waiting for me on the horizon. The song was to Him, and to me: “I’m burying this now and starting over”.

For years, I couldn’t hear this melody without ugly, gut-wrenching tears as I thought about all that I’d lost; The innocence of my childhood, my marriage and myself, my virtue, the first man who ever loved me and a child. But now when I hear it, despite what’s happened since? I sing it out loud, straight into The Cosmos, while thanking GOD for all the pain I’ve endured.

So, yes, some of you just see “crow’s feet” here, and again, to each his own! But after everything I’ve learned thus far, when I see this picture, I see an entire lifetime as I’m jaunted backwards through a maze of things I’ve loved and lost, then propelled into an eternity of possibilities yet to come. The God I serve has had loving control since before I knew my mother’s womb, and this masterpiece He’s been painting has both nothing and everything to do with me at once. I’m just a pebble in an ocean, with Light and dark, power and grace, and true magnificence swirling about me regardless of what I can see. Death really is nothing at all, my true Home is somewhere else, and this simple picture of the most beautiful crow’s feet I think I’ve ever seen reminds me yet again that I’m one very lucky girl!

… ON THE STAIRCASE …

… he built for exactly these kind of moments!

It’s all he ever wanted, it’s why he built this house, and this was one of the “firsts” in her life he was looking forward to the most … the very first picture of her all decked out in formal attire on the staircase he built for these moments. I know he was smiling as he watched this entire weekend as she reveled in her Freshman Year homecoming festivities. My heart is full as I memorialize this milestone in tribute to the many “wishes and dreams” he had for her!

Did I miss him tonight? Of course, I did! Did I cry? Nope. I couldn’t. I was just so happy to finally see her on those stairs living the dream that he designed for us. It would have broken his heart to see either of us crying, and especially taking “the picture”. So then, no tears. Only joy, and smiles, and an abundance of gratitude. Besides, he was here with us in all of this, just like he always is, and always will be!

Thank you, Zachariah. You were the king of both our hearts. And believe it or not, YOU STILL ARE!

Did anyone survive? I swear I heard Your beyond this side. Does anyone still try? Does anyone still hope to set their eyes beyond this place where angels fall and darkness reigns … where time dissolves the brightest flame ever the same? Whether I’m the last one alive or ascend before my time, better I’m the last one alive than a soul denied. So, this is how we break? And this is where we find the only hope within this place where angels fall and darkness reigns … where time dissolves the brightest flame ever the same?

Never forget that the more you suffer in training, the greater will be your victory on this battlefield of life. This is where you’ll find the only hope within this place “where angels fall, and darkness reigns, and time dissolves the brightest flame“. But you see, you have to command your own destiny, my friends, with the MOST powerful weapon you possess … YOUR MIND! Don’t cower to the devil, or the masses, or yourself.

Meanwhile, make it a good and powerful day my friends, and punctuate your atmosphere wisely. God, Himself, knows that’s what I’m gonna do. Tomorrow isn’t promised, so don’t run spend those “86,400” flippantly. In the meantime, just keep your eyes on the prize and never forget what’s coming next! Your eternal soul is counting on you to Light your own way through the tunnel.

You’d have to know what my prayers look like every hour on the hour to know how much it meant to me when the only man left in this world who’s ever really loved me (and perhaps the only one left who ever will) who “speaks to me in song” sent me this poignant message:

He’s a living, breathing, KING in the making who’s just having trouble seeing his kingdom through all the weeds and trees. Maybe he’s that “one last King on Earth“, and I’m only here to help him find his throne before I reach the Brighter Side Of Grey with this crown I wear of my own. He just has to step out of the Circadian rhythm that’s pulling him in to the abyss and away from the shadow of the people who abuse him as they melt his wings then taunt him for “failing to fly“.

I will not let you down. I won’t be cause for harm. So, today I will do better, and I sure hope this can heal.

I have suffered and risen from MANY losses that would have devoured most by now. I had to watch the best human man I’ve possibly ever known literally “dying out loud“. But THIS loss I don’t think I could bare. Which is why this message from him means everything to me … absolutely everything!

Well, his wish for her finally came true, only, this wasn’t quite how we had planned it.

Early this morning at just after midnight: The porch; My daughter; “The Frog“; THE FORGIVENESS; The very few people who will ever understand; My heart; MY GOD … IS SO GOOD. I am blessed. She is strong. No other words. That’s all.