As Elsa from that “Frozen” movie once said over, and over, and over again … “Let ’em go! Let’ em go! Let all those driveway bullshitters GO!” Okay, so maybe that’s not how the song really goes, but you HAVE to get my drift! NO ONE is worth making yourself physically ill and literally “inflamed and swollen” for!
If you are the one emitting the noxious, toxic fume that’s making the people around you physically ill, “inflamed”, and “swollen”: DON’T BE A TOXIC WASTELAND! There’s a “Real Cat” name for you here in this Diary, and umm, do you really want to be thought of as a “Drinking Straw Parasite“?
I now return you to your regularly scheduled programming, but not until you go ahead and listen to this oh so cliche’ freakin’ Disney princess song about why you need to just LET GO of the toxins in your life. Whether you’re ingesting them or emitting them … LET ‘EM GO!
Jean-Claude Van DAMN, my kids’ father has done way too many things to count to make think about literally running him over. FYI, I wouldn’t really run anyone over, so simmer down if you’re thinking about calling Dateline NBC right now. At “fifty-TWO-good-to-be-true” years old and not far from “fifty-THREE-it’s-SO-good-to-be-me“, if I’d been capable of actually running someone over, I’m certain it would have happened by now. But I’ve digressed!
My point is that this very German man who I’ve loved to hate so many times really has pissed me off during the course of our lifetime with our kids together (because after all, I’m such a perfect mom, lol). But guess what? Even after all the “way too many things” he’s pulled, THESE are the moments and stories I desperately want our kids to remember and tell their kids down the road.
Hey, BRATS! I mean “Crazy Grandma Cat’s grandkids“! Let me tell you a super cool story about your Grandpa and “the day of the epic schnitzel sandwich”!
To any “co-parenters” out there reading this right now, please remember that no matter how many times you’ve thought about running your baby’s momma or daddy over, or HOW many jacked up things they’ve done to you, if and when they do something epically right, be sure and give them the props they are due, and tell your kids the same. While no parent is perfect, and some of us can and have been nightmares, sometimes we manage to do things that are redeeming. When it happens, what could be the harm in saying, “Good job”?
Keep on looking for the brighter sides of all this grey, my parent friends. Embrace it when you find it and do what you can to change the toxic narrative being pipe-lined to your children’s psyches. Trust me when I say that not only will they likely look back and thank you for it, nuggets like these will serve their both mental wealth and their memories so much better than, “I’m pretty sure my mom wanted to run my dad over”. Just sayin’!
Have you ever wondered how to spot the most truly intelligent person in the room? Well, I’ll tell ya! In my personal experience, the most intelligent people in any space are usually the ones who don’t have much to say. In fact, studies have shown that the more introverted a person is, the higher their IQ seems to be. A true intellect in a room full of people is typically just listening, digesting, and formulating their own carefully thought and not impulsive answers to any and every question that could possibly be pondered, and depending on the crowd, they may still not say a word, opting instead to keep their pearls of wisdom to themselves rather than throwing them before all the swine.
MY POINT BEING …
Be careful of all the bullshit you’re slinging in front of those super quiet “sleeper cell” geniuses. You never know if they’re just sitting back, sizing you up, silently calling you out on your idiocy, and laughing their own really “smart asses” off as they watch not only you hang yourself with the snake oil that you’re peddling, but all the other “not so know it all dumbasses” who are actually buying what you’re selling.
Trust me when I tell you that what I’m saying is true. Not only was I married to a “sleeper cell genius”, but I’ve given birth to two. Zack Williamson’s IQ was 147, and although they haven’t been tested, I know that both my kids are somewhere in that realm as well! I couldn’t so much as pass a cat-sized TURD of bullshit past Zack, lest I end up eating it, and my kids are the same damn way.
I’m Jean Claude Van DAMN telling you, people. Watch out for those quiet ones that don’t have much to say! When they finally do decide to engage with you in a conversation, they’ll drop a smart bomb on ya the size of the Atlantic Ocean that you’ll never see coming and won’t even have to say the words “SHUT THE FUCK UP!” to make SHUT YOU THE FUCK UP and walk away in shame! Just thought I’d share!
So, Cat, what do you think is worse, being terminally ill, or so poor that your almost homeless?
What’s worse than either of these awful scenarios is being fiscally “rich” under any circumstance, yet still being mentally poor. No matter the size of the roof over your head, or even a lack thereof, being mentally vanquished is often a terminal illness. This is not to say that homelessness can’t be either caused by or the catalyst of a decline in mental “wealth”. Fortunately, homelessness isn’t always permanent.
Sadly, I can think of an extremely personal example of this plight. That “poor man” I married ended up dying a KING with a roof atop his castle that most people could never imagine. Even still, he left this world emotionally bankrupt and void of any fortitude or psychological well-being. At the end of the day, the wisest of us already know that while being financially wealthy can’t fix or cure anything, being mentally wealthy CAN!
I had no idea how I’d memorialize this holiday when I woke up today, until, that is, I’d grabbed a few things from my gift-wrapping stash to dress up a few last presents. THEN IT HAPPENED! In case you didn’t know, I’m a huge proponent of recycling seemingly useless things that some people would throw away, especially inasmuch as I very much consider my life to be a repurposed work of art. Now that I think of it, it’s all the recycled and repurposed people I’ve crossed paths with thus far who’ve found their way closest to my heart. Meanwhile, and as such, each year after Santapalooza is over and the ground below the tree is buried in crumpled up paper, ribbons, bows, and tags, it’s not at all uncommon to find me rooting through the aftermath like a packrat for bits and pieces of anything that can be used again next season.
Imagine my surprise, then, when I reached into my “‘little drawer of tags” only to find this one from the very last Christmas present Gia would ever give Zack on his last one with us in 2018. Although it’s true that he took endless pieces of my heart with him when he left, as I sit here writing this, I am staring at a tag that in a perfect world would have been hanging on a gift for him, and I’m smiling from ear to ear.
I cannot tell you how many times I wandered back to where I’d left it this morning, picked it up, and literally held it to my heart, because this silly little thing means that he was here with us in the first place. I will cherish this unexpected treasure for as long as I’m alive and eventually pass it back to Gia, who I know will also cherish it for the same exact reasons I do. Despite all the pain, heartache, and sorrow he brought into our world at the end, the decade that proceeded his insanity that we had him whole and healthy was one of the greatest gifts of our lives.
If there is just one wisdom that I’ve acquired on my journey thus far that I could “gift” to all of you, it’s that grieving the deaths of the people we’ve loved and lost is one of the highest honors and utmost triumphs of our existence. To have loved and been loved by those we were connected to enough to grieve is a privilege that not everyone gets to have. The truth of the matter is that when we get to the very end of the road with those we’ve loved and lost, the only “gifts” that will have really mattered is knowing that that WE HAD THEM and THEY HAD US! The abundance of true joy that I’m feeling right now is proof positive of what I’ve long known to be true, that “Death Is Nothing At All” and I am still the most blessed living queen that has ever reigned on this Earth.
Said goodbye, turned around, and you were gone, gone, gone. Faded into the setting sun – slipped away. But I won’t cry, ’cause I know I’ll never be lonely, for you are the stars to me. You are the light I follow.
Merry Christmas to all you beautiful people who took the time to read this Diary entry. If, like me, you celebrated Jesus’s birthday with a person missing from your table, know that they’re saving you a seat at the table where we will dine with our Lord and Savior eternally. Until that day comes, try and remember that although the bodies that packaged their souls were only ever meant for us to borrow, the precious love and memories they left behind are ours to keep forever. Just as this tag found it’s way back to me in the unexpected way that it did, someday those borrowed gifts we had to give back will find there way back to us when we finally get to see them again.
I completely understand what you are saying my friend, I’ve been where you are. Even to this day, I am a “fifty-TWO-good-to-be-true” UNVALIDATED child of parents who refuse to “hear or see me”. But guess what? THOSE DAYS ARE GONE NOW, because as hopefully you yourself know by now, it is job number ONE of an unvalidated child turned adult to be reparent yourself, REVALIDATE yourself, and then keep doing it over, and over, and over again. It is unclear by the title of this question whether you are referring to “children” you may have one day, or “children” you already have. In either case, always remember:
THE HAMMER DROPS WITH YOU!
If and when you are ever faced with a scenario wherein you don’t feel as though you are validating your children’s feelings, close your eyes and picture yourself as a child at the age that they are in that moment and remember how it felt to be you. It is probably obvious to anyone reading your question that you are clearly aware of this “issue” you’ve had in your own past and desperately don’t want to repeat your family’s history. Not only is that admirable, but it’s MORE than half the steps you need to keep going in the parenting direction you want to go. Look, I’m not generally a huge fan of “looking back” at the past, because, THE PAST IS DONE AND OVER! That being said, there are certain instances when our hindsight really is “20/20” – especially when it comes to our own children. I wish you well in your parenting venture my friend. Raising kids is not for the faint of heart, and sadly not enough people doing it are actively breaking those SICK familial gifts that just keep on giving.
… because for every time I, myself, was my very own worst enemy, “hammer in hand” and all, having to just sit back now and watch helplessly as one of the very few human beings I’ve ever truly loved wields that same familiar hammer is all but fucking devouring me! That Godforsaken mallet has been smashing the hearts, minds, and souls of everyone whose ever touched it for only GOD knows how long. In the meantime …
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. Living one day at a time, enjoying one moment at a time, accepting hardship as a pathway to peace, taking, as Jesus did, this sinful world as it is, not as I would have it, trusting that You will make all things right if I surrender to Your will so that I may be reasonably happy in this life and supremely happy with You forever in the next. As for me and mine? It’s SO GOOD to be alive!
TO BE ALIVE
I know you don’t believe it like I believe it. Oh no, it’s not your fault – you sit alone inside a room – wait for the world to come to you. They never do. It must be something that you can’t let go. It hurts that you won’t let me know. Every time you want to, any time I touch you, I can’t help to be myself. I hold on to this moment – any time is right to be alive. And then in conversation, I love the way you mention, “nothing’s ever gone your way” with a hammer in your hand. You spell out a master plan. You never learn. It must be somebody holding your heart. Something that tears us apart. Every time you want to, any time I touch you, I can’t help to be myself. I hold on to this moment – any time is right to be alive. And I don’t think that it’s right to let love pass by. Any time of life, it’s good to be alive. {Def Leppard}
At this point in my life, I have become a staunch proponent of leaving the past in the past, because looking in the rearview mirror can do much more harm than good if you haven’t reached that threshold yet where even beautiful memories can level you. That being said, I am also wise enough to know that sometimes you really do have to look backwards in order to keep moving forward. Not only is studying the past the best way to either repeat or not repeat certain cycles, mistakes, triumphs and even people, it can also be where the most authentic looks at ourselves can be found.
For example, the famous “Cheeseburger & Tears” text between Christian and Zack from November 12, 1996, that I recently saw on his phone again. Trust me when I tell you that everything in my soul wanted to burst into tears when I saw it, but then something prolific just washed right over my heart and stopped the tears that were filling my eyes literally dead in their tracks. It was a poignant look at myself through another person’s eyes and words:
I have my own major flaws that your mom doesn’t talk about because she always thinks the best of everyone.
Indeed, it’s true. I really do always think the best of everyone. Well, at least I try to that is. It’s both a major character flaw and a major character perk, depending on “what” or who is on the receiving end of my seemingly bottomless pit of forgiveness. Even now with my boundaries as firmly BOUND and in place as possible, my heart is as ever more marshmallow than steel. I mean, don’t get me wrong, a fortress I truly am, especially when it comes to “peopling“, and as a living queen, I accept nothing less than everything.
At the end of the day, though, as I was sitting with Zack’s phone in my hand trying to decide whether to cry or smile, it was the latter of the two that won the prize. This “Cheeseburger & Tears” text reminded me once again of not just who I am, but that I was truly and unconditionally loved justlike I am, which as we all know is one of the many reasons I’m still sitting here at all with the insurmountable and unconditional love I now have for myself.
Inasmuch as I’ve come to adore Rascal Flatts over the years, of course they were the background music for our many road trip adventures. With that, I cannot tell you how many times this song must have cued up, at which point we’d always lock hands (if they weren’t already locked) and I’d get the “three squeeze I love you“. So, today as I’m listening to it, I’m tweaking the words and singing it to him out loud:
Lying here without you, I know you watch me sleep. The dawn is closing in with every breath I breathe. I can feel the change – the change you made in me. And now I truly see all the things you saw in me. When you said that I was one of a kind. Baby, I couldn’t see it, but you believed that I’m so strong and true. I promise you – I’ll always be this kind of girl, because loved me like I am.
Okay, and just for the record, NOW I’m actually crying my eyes out. Good grief. It’s okay. They’re happy tears, not sad ones. Well, maybe just a little sad. Okay, I’m done.
… because after all this time becoming “the crazy bird lady” but not being quite sure why, every one of their beautiful wings just delivered me full circle with an answer from The Cosmos that I simply cannot explain. Some day when the time is right and the seasons have come and gone enough such that she can finally read this Diary, only my Mona Lisa will fully understand the magnitude of the moments behind this entry. Gia, my muse, I’m sobbing as I’m writing this to you, but my tears are only filled with gratitude and joy.
When the moon is lookin’ down shinin’ light upon your ground, I too will be flyin’ up to let you see that the shadow cast is me.
Looks like I got that answer we were talking about, and actually so did you. God is so good, as are all these messages, and these BIRDS will just keep speaking the truth. I love you daughter, and YES, we really are okay!
BIRDS
Two hearts, one valve. Pumpin’ the blood, we were the flood, we were the body and – two lives, one life, stickin’ it out, lettin’ you down, makin’ it right. Seasons, they will change. Life will make you grow. Dreams will make you cry, cry, cry. Everything is temporary. Everything will slide. Love will never die, die, die. I know that ooh, birds fly in different directions. Ooh, I hope to see you again. Sunsets, sunrises. Livin’ the dream, watchin’ the leaves changin’ the seasons. Some nights I think of you, relivin’ the past, wishin’ it’d last – wishin’ and dreamin’. Seasons, they will change. Life will make you grow. Death can make you hard, hard, hard. Everything is temporary. Everything will slide. Love will never die, die, die. I know that ooh, birds fly in different directions. Ooh, I hope to see you again. Ooh, birds fly in every direction. Ooh, so fly high, so fly high. When the moon is lookin’ down shinin’ light upon your ground, I’m flyin’ up to let you see that the shadow cast is me. {Imagine Dragons}
… because unless you know where my “homecoming queen” has already been and the battles she’s fought and won by now, you just can’t understand how truly powerful this picture of her really is. But seriously though, someday we’ll sit back and laugh as all those silly haters that just ain’t her and won’t ever be her are choking on the ashes from her fire.
I spent more than 40 years living trapped inside my own mind. Then, I escaped it, only to find that it wasn’t so bad in there after all. It took me a minute to make peace with my own chaos, which as it turns out, had more to do with my environment and not what was “inside my mind”. Once I changed my sceneryand the majority of the people in it, though, I found that my mind is an entire fucking WONDERLAND of power and grace, love and beauty, creativity, whimsy, empathy, and blind faith that not everyone was apt to either appreciate or handle.
Once I made peace with myself and truly epic space between my ears, I stopped trying to run away from it, moved the HELL back in, took a few pictures down, hung a few back up, and now I rarely ever leave it. Sounds kinda crazy, right? Indeed, I know this … but it doesn’t make it any less true.
… but loving in hindsight – that won’t work for my life. Let me forget all that went wrong.
As far as that “loving in hindsight not working for my life”? That was the old me … THIS IS THE NEW … and new me is okay with whatever, however, and whenever it takes to either understand or not understand why certain things and people happen in my life.
After all is said and done, it doesn’t really matter, ’cause the proverbial shit is ALWAYS gonna hit the fan. This road I’m on is still rollin’ on anyway. As long as it takes me “anywhere”, anywhere is better than nowhere, and my life is too fucking beautiful to just give up now. I’m not just a Cat … I’m a REAL Cat, my friends … and the last time I checked, cats always land on their feet!
INSIDE OF ME
Always waiting for something – searching for one thing – and I know it has to be there somewhere. On this show without knowing the way this is going, as long as it takes me anywhere. There’s life and there’s one dance – and there’s fate and there’s one chance – to find out who I wanna be, and I know it’s inside of me. I look to the far side – searching for daylight – something that is mine, all my own. But loving in hindsight – that won’t work for my life – let me forget all that went wrong. There’s life and there’s one dance – and there’s fate and there’s one chance – to find out who I wanna be, and I know it’s inside of me. There’s love and so much more that waits behind that door. There’s so much that I wanna see, and I know it’s inside of me.
Once again, I’ve stolen – ahem – I mean “borrowed” someone else’s words to convey a message I need to convey. So, with that …
We’ve got a long way to go, and a long memory. We’ve been searching for an answer always just out of reach. Blood on the floor. Sirens repeat. We’ve been searching for the courage to face our enemies. When they turn down the lights, we’ll hear our battle symphony – all the world in front of us! If our armor breaks, we’ll fuse it back together. Battle symphony – lease, let’s not give up on ourselves. And our eyes are wide awake for our battle symphony. For our battle symphony. They say that we don’t belong. Say that we should retreat. That we’re marching to the rhythm of a lonesome defeat. But the sound of our voices puts the pain in reverse. No surrender, no illusions, and for better or worse … If we fall – get knocked down – pick ourselves up off the ground. When they turn down the lights, we’ll hear our battle symphony – all the world in front of us! If our armor breaks, we’ll just fuse it back together. Battle symphony. Please, let’s not give up on us. And my eyes are wide awake for our battle symphony.
{Words Adapted from Linkin Park’s “Battle Symphony”}
Okay, that’s all for now. Oh, wait, except for this: Phoenixes don’t fall – WE RISE – and we always stick together, even when we’re flying solo! I love all THREE of you!
So, I have a very special message for all of you from both the dearly departed and very much loved Chester Bennington, who, too, shared the same fate as my husband – AND – from God Himself. It’s pretty easy to decipher – so – here it goes …
When you feel you’re alone – cut off from this cruel world – your instincts telling you to run. Listen to your heart. Those angel voices. They’ll see you to you – they’ll be your guide back home. When life leaves us blind – LOVE KEEPS US KIND. It keeps us kind. When you suffered it all, and your spirit is breaking. You’re growing desperate from the fight – REMEMBER YOUR LOVED – and you always will be. This melody will always bring you right back home. When life leaves us blind – LOVE KEEPS US KIND. It keeps us kind.
{Chester Bennington … Linkin’ Park}
And now a message from ME. It’s also pretty easy to decipher – so – here it goes:
Chin Up!
Knuckles Out!
Don’t let all the darkness in this world snuff out your beautiful light and make you lose faith in the power of kindness and love.
The exact number of days since the last time Hoovery MacHooverson, a/k/a the actualdevil incarnate, reached out to but never heard back from me in yet another failed attempt to feed his MacLittleman ego:
Hey you! I was just thumbing through my text stream and realized that my text to you this morning was green, and I’m like “did you block me” and then I went straight to your voicemail when calling, so … did you block me before or after I sent you that text? And hey, I would REALLY value a conversation. Umm, I’m kind of at a loss. I got your texts, and I know your grappling with some things, but I’d really enjoy and value the opportunity to visit with you, so, please call me. I hope you’re well. Thinking about you. Bye bye.
You were just “thumbing through your text stream”, huh? Umm, NO, little man MacHoovy Hoove, you were checking your old supply! We all know that little narcissist boys just don’t like being bored or alone, and I Jean Claude Van DAMN bet that you’d REALLY “value” a conversation. What’s the matter MacHoovy? Are ya feeling unadored? Well now, ain’t that a kick in the go take a dirt nap ya purely evil mini-bastard!
ZERO amounts of manipulation or charming ever again shall there be, and ZERO are the chances that I’ll be rooked back into your snake pit. Wow! I guess I reallydo win, ’cause you very muchMacLOSE! Now, go on and slither back to that empty chasm you call your soul and GO FUCK YOURSELF! In closing, I once again say this …
Unaffected. Unimpressed. Laughing my ass off yet again. This little man just doesn’t get it! With that, if you know this Diary at all, you know there’s a song for almost every chapter. Nope. Not this time. Music is my therapy. My happy place. MY EVERYTHING! All that remains for “this thing” that was once in my life are these five final words: STARVE LITTLE NARCISSIST BOY! STARVE!
It took a lifetime to find the voice behind my sometimes obnoxious self-righteousness. BEEN THERE!DONE ALL OF IT! At this point, I believe I’ve earned the right to NOT have to argue with village idiots, unless, of course, I want to. As far as I’m concerned, it’s one of the perks of being “Fifty-ONE-Derful”, soon to be “Fifty-TWO-Good-To-Be-True”, and not giving a flipping shit about anyone else’s “opinion” is just so frigging AWESOME! Not gonna lie, I probably take way too much pleasure pissing people off with my “Real Cat” truth bombs. It brings me such satisfaction knowing I’ve aggravated someone by not allowing them to throw their own mic back at me. When someone wants to argue with me for just for the sake of arguing, or better yet, defending or trying to justify some bullshit they’re trying to schlep? Nope, not interested. Thank you – drive through please!
But here’s the GOOD news:
As righteous as I may ever be, not once have I claimed to be perfect. As a matter of fact, I’ve probably fucked way more things and people up than anyone else on their very worst day, and I’m not afraid to admit it! Many of my former BULLSHIT, toxic behaviors were abysmal and egregious to say the least. But you see, for all my personal smites and crimes against other people and myself, I have accounted for, acknowledged, and atoned for as much of the damage I’ve bestowed to the best of my ability. “Ignorance” is no longer my bliss!
Anyone who finds themselves at the receiving end of guilt, shame, or anger after reading something I wrote? That’s about THEM, not about ME, so they’ll just need to check their deflection in the mirror before they have to spend a shit ton of time going back to the people they’ve fucked over with their own “accounting, acknowledging, and atoning”! BEEN THERE! DONE THAT, TOO! Those were not my best days ever. In the meantime, maybe, just maybe, someone will actually learn from my many mistakes.
For the record, I 2,000% know that many of my “opinions, truths, thoughts and beliefs” are neither ideal or realistic, and that some of them may just, be, WRONG! But they’re mine, ALL MINE, I earned them, I own them, I REAPED THEM, I SEWED THEM, and I stand by every seemingly acrimonious thing I say. Sorry, NOT sorry … but I do NOT apologize!
I don’t know exactly how to express what I am feeling right now, other than to just write these words of gratitude. Not a day goes by since you had to leave this place – two years ago this night – that we don’t see you, hear you, and feel you in every space we are, and I don’t think that will ever change. Even with all the things you broke, and the unspeakable ways you hurt us both in your literal insanity, I look around at “everywhere” and marvel at the life you left behind for us “from the ground up” from the broken pieces the people who were supposed to love you left you in.
It’s my truest prayer that you can still “see us” and you know we’re doing okay. No, better than okay. We’re not just QUEENS – we’re the ENIGMAS you loved back to life – even despite your own self. You’re in all our conversations, every one of our smiles, all the songs we sing, and the endless joy and laughter we embrace. The enormous light you left behind us has fully engulfed that last bit of your darkness, and now only “the brighter side” of your legacy lives on in every precious ounce of our grey.
It was an honor to call you ours, and only ever ours. It always was and always will be. Though you’re not physically “here” with us, you’re still everywhere, in everything, and I suppose that’s just the way it was supposed to be. You were one of our most beautiful seasons, but seasons must surely change. We love you. We miss you. We won’t ever forget you! We’ll just take you how we have you into the rest of our days on this Earth until we can see you again.
Today, we decided not to shed a tear. God knows that we deserve better. Instead, we’re just leaving some of your ashes at the pier, then have Red Robin teriyaki burgers in your honor.
This is quite possibly one of my favorite “1 Year Ago” memories so far!
Mom, is it okay if I wear one of Dad’s shirts”?
I’m not sure if any sentence in my life has ever impacted me as much as this one. As I’ve said before, there are less than two handfuls of people who know what Gia really went through with Zack’s suicide and preceding insanity. The mere fact that she has been able to make peace with not only his death, but the actual demonthat was living in his mind that hurt us both beyond fathom in the end is literally mind-numbing. At this point in the process, she has forgiven him for everything, talks about him incessantly, and still correlates him to every best part of her life and childhood.
My “Mona Lisa” is an enigma and everything I aspire to be when I grow up. I am SUCH a lucky woman to have been chosen to be her mother, and I just cannot say it enough.
“Joe’s Farm” ~ Piedmont, New Hampshire Courtesy Of Bill Hower
… Somehow He Found A Way!
On this day, twenty-three years ago, I woke up not only in celebration of the first true love of my life’s 35th birthday, but even more so of the fact that it was on that day that he’d decided to take my then six year old son to a very special lunch and ask his permission to marry me. Little did I know that just as the clock struck midnight, one of the most beautiful souls to have ever crossed my path would be leaving this place in the Blaze Of Glory he truly was.
But here’s the deal …
Death is still nothing at all! At this point in my journey, I can’t even make myself cry tears of sorrow and grief for the many beautiful gifts I’ve had but lost. Now, does that mean I never cry? Of course not! I am only human after all. My tears these days are shed in an abundance of gratitude for everything I have “gotten to have” but lost. All too often, I literally fall to my knees and thank God profusely for the magnanimous ways He’s always “showing me” just how much He loves me. I get signs from random places, cryptic messages when I least expect them, messages in the fog, and even “letters and pictures” from virtual strangers (like the one of “Joe’s Farm” above).
Dearest Mine … I am writing to say how much I care for you and to say how much I want you to know me better. When you awoke this morning, I exploded a brilliant sunrise through your window hoping to get your attention, but you rushed off without even noticing. Later, I noticed you were walking with some friends, so I bathed you in warm sunshine and perfumed the air with nature’s sweet scent, and still, you didn’t notice me. As you passed by, I shouted to you in a thunderstorm and painted a beautiful rainbow in the sky and you didn’t even look. In the evening, I spilled moonlight onto your face and sent a cool breeze to rest you. As you slept, I watched over you and shared your thoughts, but you were unaware that I was so near. I have chosen you and hope you will talk to me soon. Until then, I will remain near.
I am your friend and love you very much.
Jesus
{Author Unknown}
… to which my response is this …
Dearest Mine …
I am writing YOU to say I know how much You care, and to thank You for letting me know YOU! When I awoke this morning, You exploded a brilliant sunrise through my window yet again, and YES you have my attention! Today, as always, I will bask in the warmth of Your Sunshine and the air I still “get to breathe” that You’ve perfumed with Your intoxicating scent. Each time You pass by, I cry out to You from my heart with joy for all those thunderstorms, paintings, and rainbows You’ve sent me. Tonight, as You watch me sleep, please continue to share Your thoughts. I choose YOU, and thank you for all the gifts, and signs, and messages. I AM AWARE AND WILL REMAIN NEAR.
I am your child and I love YOU very much as well!
Catherine
It’s Saturday, May 29, 2021. I’m both a miracle and a QUEEN to have laid the two kings of my heart to rest at such a relatively young age. Yet, here I am, very much alive, mostly sane, and filled with an abundance of Light, magic and gratitude for the precious time I “got to have” with them.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY KIRK MITCHELL BOONE! I loved you so. Always have. Always will. Today I could only smile as I cherished and celebrated the beautiful season of my life with you, one of the many masterpieces sent to me by The Master Artist of all. Knowing Him the way I do, I’ll see you BOTH on The Brighter Side Of Grey.
“The Duke Of Edinburgh” (June 10, 1921 ~ April 9, 2021)
Prince Phillip was, still is, and will always be one of my favorite human beings. I have read about and studied his life incessantly, and although I’m not actual “royalty”, I have long felt a kindred pull to his spirit.
Countless hearts are broken and grieving his death today, as were those my initial reactions. But, then I remembered who he was, what he accomplished, what a truly remarkable Phoenix he was, the many ways his life intersected mine, Zachariah’s, and my son’s, and the utmost regard I have always held him in through my personal perspective.
Was he perfect? NOPE! Not even close! WHO AMONGST US IS? Still, someone once asked me that age old question: “If you could talk to ANY public figure, who would it be?”. My answer was instantaneous: “There are only two: Ivan Moody and The Duke Of Edinburgh”. Now, that’s quite a broad spectrum, right?
Many people criticize, if not assault the monarchy’s autocratic rule, but I, for one, do not. They are, after all, mere mortal human beings like all of us, each with their own unique histories, backstories, and unknown personal human struggles. In my opinion, the Prince lived his entire life like a blackbird in a gilded cage doing a job that no one in their right mind would have ever signed up for.
Farewell, Godspeed, and Goodbye My Prince.
“You have lived, and you have changed all our lives”. Well, maybe not all our lives, but you definitely changed mine. Your unwavering understanding of “the assignment” is a lesson that so many of us could stand to take. You will live on infinitely! Today, as always, I celebrate your life well-lived, so many jobs well done, the countless unknown and unsung jobs no one ever knew about, and all the ways your life touched mine. Here’s hoping you’ve finally made it to The Moon once and for all and that one day I’ll get to sit and chat with you about all the things I would have loved to have been able to chat with you about over a cup of tea on The Brighter Side Of Grey.
A friend posted this yesterday, and at first glance I LOVED IT, because in so many ways it’s true! Upon further consideration, however, this is where I landed …
Indeed there are those who “knew me a year ago” yet have no idea who I’ve become, but truth being told, there is a better than not chance it’s because I don’t WANT them to know me at all! Why is that you ask? I’ve either outgrown them, seen right through them, or GHOSTED them in my illustrious “growth dust” because they don’t DESERVE to know who I’ve become (with the exception of what they can read or hear online, which is usually either blatantly or cryptically about them. I have decluttered, detoxified, and “de-trashified” my very private bubble by 99.9% to less than couple of handfuls of people left who will ever “GET” to know me.
It’s terrible, I know it. But you see, queens don’t accept scraps, leftovers, and fake ass “less than” BULLSHIT from anyone. I’d rather be “alone but not lonely” here in my tower of hard-earned wisdom for the entire rest of my life on Earth then waste my fleeting, PRECIOUS life breath, energy and effort on anything less than EVERYTHING. To truly know me and my heart is to love me, and many have lost the high honor and privilege of access to my inner sanctum. They’re the “Umm, kinda really sucks to be you – SHOULDA, WOULDA, COULDA” flock of sheep I smugly laugh about and mock who will NEVER be allowed a re-introduction.
Damn, I’m such a bitch!
Sorry, NOT sorry, and I cannot say it enough! For those of you you who have been following my journey, here’s hoping you’ve learned to appreciate the “NICEST bitch you’ll ever know” I am, and more so than that, come to understand that it takes a hell of a lot of effort (OR a lack thereof) to end up on the cutting room floor of my life. I have fully forgiven every person who has forsaken me, but as gracious, empathetic and caring as I am – I’M NOBODY’S REVOLVING DOOR!
Here is something really REAL about me right now: Each night when I pray, I pray for every person, known or unknown, who hasn’t yet found their crown.
Dear God, please help those who haven’t yet discovered their true self-worth and value to finally open their eyes. I know You don’t make trash, but SO many of them think that’s what they are, so they don’t have the wings they need to fly the HELL away from people that don’t deserve them!
Yes, it’s true – I pray these words to Him every night. Whoever you are, wherever you are, and no matter when or how you arrived at this place where you don’t think you deserve the best of EVERYTHING, let me know share the “Real Cat” spin on the words to one of my favorite songs:
I’m NOT sorry for the demon I’ve become. You should be sorry for the angel you are not. I apologize for the cruel things that I did, but I don’t regret one single word I said. Just walk away, make it easy on yourself. Just walk away – please release YOURSELF from this hell. Just walk away, there’s just nothing left to feel. Forgive me if I ever told you that I cared. Are you now sorry that I NEVER shall be there? Please forgive me for laughing when you fall. I’m so sorry, but I clearly NEVER cared at all. Just walk away, make it easy on yourself. Just walk away, there’s just nothing that I feel. Just walk away, make it easy on us both. Just walk away, there was never any hope. Just walk away, you already know the deal! Just walk away and accept that ALL OF THIS is real. {Five Finger Death Punch}
So, Cat, how’d that whole “family dinner” project turn out?
SUCCESS!
This Cosmos and its Creator are so beyond good to me in every way, shape, and form, and I cannot say it enough. This was the last thing I needed to rectify within my formerly “broken heart” so that when it’s my time to touch The Brighter Side Of Grey, I will do so with my soul completely healed and whole. From this point forward, it’s just a very GREY “86,400 seconds a day” for as many spins around the Sun I get to make just shining my Light in all this DARK.
To anyone reading this who’s at odds with one of “your people” or even yourself, it’snever too late to start again! Indeed, it is true that forgiveness is for us, but the TRUEST power and grace are found in the forgiveness we extend to others.
You will never understand how much NONE OF US really deserves to be forgiven for any of the shit we manage to do until you’ve had to learn about it the way I have. I am here to tell you that forgiveness is EVERYTHING! Besides, as I’ve said before and will now say again, it’s not time that heals our wounds, its what we do with that time that heals our wounds. Learning how to forgive not just ourselves, but others as well for the crime of being human, is not only the most healing medicine of all, but also one of the purest forms of self-love and care.
Wherever you are on this globe right now, take a good look around at everything you see. IT COULD ALL BE GONE TOMORROW! Choose your battles well and spend those seconds wisely so that if you must leave tomorrow, you’ll leave in “PEACE” … not “PIECES“!
Just sending out a smoke signals out to all my fellow kings and queens! In case no one has told you this today …
You,
Are,
AMAZING!
“Let’s state the obvious right now”, you’ll be victorious! You’ll take the crown (just like you’ve always done before). Keep digging in, THEY’LL STEP AROUND, ’cause in the end you will stand your ground!
And remember …
It’s okay to scream out loud that you’re way too good for assholes and their bullshit! It doesn’t make you egotistical – it makes you SELF-RESPECTFUL! If you are in my “virtual circle” and therefore reading this right now, chances are that you, too, are a badass, otherwise we wouldn’t be virtually connected. Don’t let anyone lower you to their “surface level”. If they can’t or won’t rise to you, leave them at the bottom.
Rise up. Fly high. Advocate for yourself in everything you do, and don’t accept anything that’s not EVERYTHING! Keep your chin up, knuckles out, and head WAY up above the clouds! Trust me when I tell you, the oxygen is MUCH better here – especially when you’ve taken the crown!
… that moment you ask her to “do something fun” with the little glass jar you kept from that time he whisked you away for a “King Williamson style” staycay that once contained the $15 gummy bears he devoured in less than sixty seconds!
Meanwhile, here we are, turning trash into treasureyet again, making beauty from random things and extraordinary moments while remembering only the best things that need to be remembered to keep his legacy alive while leaving out all the rest. I asked her to make it coordinate with this hand crafted clay tile she’d made me earlier last year so I could set them together in the window sill in front of my kitchen sink where I swear I spend more than half my “MOM LIFE”!
My “Mona Lisa” is not just an artist, she is artistry come to life. Both my works of art are the most beautiful ballads my heart as known, and I just can’t say it enough. Her heart, imagination, internal beauty and grace never cease to amaze me, especially in all the endless ways she’s able to look through the darkest of forests and find that one thing that brings it to life. She looks for the best in every person and thing and is slow to discount the possibilities in what others may find useless.
She is her mother’s daughter. He is his mother’s son. Not only do they both love making “all things new”, even more so do they continually renew me, “the luckiest queen on this Earth“! I am so lucky to still be here to witness my legacyburning up through all of our ashes to their own phoenix way of life.
Every Christmas, my ex and his mom send a fresh wreath with little butterflies on it to our daughter’s grave. It happens every year faithfully since the very first Christmas without her, and their beautiful wreaths are something I always enjoy seeing as “me and mine” make our own treks to dress her spot with a basket befitting an angel.
But then? THIS year …
As par for the course, her dad brings the old wreaths for me to “do my thing” with them every year. It’s a labor of love that fills my heart with unspeakable joy, because for all she brought to me in a few short hours, taking them apart and piecing them into my own spring baskets just makes me feel so close to her energy. While I was on the phone with her dad this January, this conversation happened:
Hey, guess what I’m doing? I’m taking apart her wreath and getting ready to make the basket.
Oh, good! There’s seventeen, right?
Seventeen? Seventeen WHAT?
Seventeen butterflies. We add one every year, and this year she’d have been seventeen.
My heart hit the floor in the best kind of way. I had no idea that year after year, one by one, as I’d been carefully cutting those delicate butterflies from their wires and setting them on tissue paper until it was time for their final journey, there was yet anotherhidden picture waiting to be revealed in keeping with the sweet mosaic rhythm of my life.
Indeed, it’s true … a tortilla really DID make me cry today, but Batman TOTALLY saved the day! Unless you either are a Mexican, was raised by a Mexican, lived with a Mexican, or spent any time next to a Mexican abuela turning dough balls in the kitchen, you simply cannot understand the “tortilla” of it all! Someday, if you’re really lucky, I’ll tell you ALL about what my Italian grandmother taught me about food from her kitchen. Oh, wait, I’ll just tell ya now! It went somethin’ like this …
You bettah eat those friggin’ sawsage and peppahs NOW or ya dead to me AND ya gonna burn in HELL!”
I’m don’t think anything has hit me quite as hard as this quote in quite some time. And for the record, this little “life hack” doesn’t just apply to close family and loved ones, it applies to our friends as well. I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again …
Yes, I know – we’re ALL fucking busy. We ALL have issues and feel like we’re drowning at times. I get it, I do! I mean, HELLO? Have you met me? Don’t make bullshit excuses! Inconvenience yourself if, damnit! Make the damn call or send the text:
Hi there! I’m not calling for a favor. I don’t have a question. I don’t need you to listen to my latest crisis. I just want you to know that you matter and I’m glad you exist!
Trust me when I say that there’s NEVER a bad time to reach out to someone you love. Also? It’s the right thing to do. Still can’t find the time? Still too busy with your “crisis”? Well, then close your eyes right this second and imagine yourself standing over their grave!
Damn, I wish I would have called them. I wonder if they really knew that they mattered?
There you have it, folks! There’s “NO TIME” like the present, and once all that time you could never find for “your people” is gone, you’re not gonna get it back!
If you’re a natural born taker, and not so much a giver, I get it, and can even appreciate it. There really is a place for both sides of the giver/taker coin, if not to exist solely as “ying” to another’s “yang”. I mean, how would anyone what “selfless” looks like if we didn’t know know what “selfish” looks like, too? Ya can’t see a light without the darkness behind it. It’s both practical logic and sobering, hard core truth. But here’s another even harder core truth …
One day you may just find yourself in that very lonely hour saying,
Wait! Where are all my people … and for God’s sake, WHO ARE ALL MY PEOPLE?
This is usually right about the time you start thinking about all the times you showed up for everyone else … even when your own cards were down, and going, “Wow! What the fuck? REALLY?“
Is it an evil necessary? SURE! Again, with the “light and the dark”. But it’s never too late to switch lanes and really get in the often inconvenient habit of putting your people into perspective and not taking them for granted before the day comes that they are gone.
And by the way, the pain we feel at a loved one’s death can be just as awful as the pain of existing here on Earth with someone you’re theoretically dead to. The phone rings both ways folks, and even the givingest of the givers have their limits. Sooner or later, we learn that though we may still love someone, we have to love them from afar, because our time, effort, and energy are way too valuable to spend on someone who takes our value for granted. Been there. Done that. With each passing day, I’m killing off living people left and right.
IN THE LIVING YEARS
Every generation blames the one before, and all of their frustrations come beating on your door. I know that I’m a prisoner to all my Father held so dear. I know that I’m a hostage to all his hopes and fears. I just wish I could have told him in the living years. Oh, crumpled bits of paper filled with imperfect thought. Stilted conversations – I’m afraid that’s all we’ve got. You say you just don’t see it – he says it’s perfect sense. You just can’t get agreement in this present tense. We all talk a different language talking in defense. Say it loud, say it clear. You can listen as well as you hear. It’s too late when we die to admit we don’t see eye to eye. So we open up a quarrel between the present and the past. We only sacrifice the future – it’s the bitterness that lasts. So don’t yield to the fortunes you sometimes see as fate. It may have a new perspective on a different day. And if you don’t give up, and don’t give in, you may just be okay. So say it loud, say it clear. I was e there that morning my Father passed away. I didn’t get to tell him all the things I had to say. I think I caught his spirit later that same year. I’m sure I heard his echo in my baby’s new born tears. I just wish I could have told him in the living years. {Mike & The Mechanics}
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again ~ I’m the luckiest, most blessed, badass warrior QUEEN I’ve ever known. I’ve said this before and I’ll say it again … it’s not me …
I’ve got a hero! I’VE GOT A HERO LIVIN’ IN ME! I’m gonna fight for what’s right. Today I’m speaking my mind – and if it kills me tonight, I will be ready to die. A hero’s not afraid to give his life.
HERO
I’m just a step away. I’m just a breath away. Losin’ my faith today – fallin’ off the edge today! I am just a man – not superhuman. I’M NOT SUPERHUMAN! Someone save me from the hate. It’s just another war. Just another family torn. FALLING FROM MY FAITH TODAY! Just a step from the edge. Just another day in the world we live. I need a hero to save me now! I need a hero! SAVE ME NOW! I need a hero to save my life. A hero’ll save me just in time! I’ve gotta fight today to live another day. Speakin’ my mind today. MY VOICE WILL BE HEART TODAY! I’ve gotta make a stand – but I am just a man. I’M NOT SUPERHUMAN! My voice will be heard today. It’s just another war. Just another family torn. MY VOICE WILL BE HEARD TODAY! It’s just another kill – the countdown begins to destroy ourselves. I need a hero to save me now. I need a hero! SAVE ME NOW! I need a hero to save my life. A hero’ll save me just in time! I need a hero to save my life. I need a hero just in time. Save me just in time. Who’s gonna fight for what’s right? Who’s gonna help us survive? We’re in the fight of our lives and we’re not ready to die! Who’s gonna fight for the weak? Who’s gonna make ’em believe? I’ve got a hero! I’VE GOT A HERO LIVIN’ IN ME! I’m gonna fight for what’s right. Today I’m speaking my mind – and if it kills me tonight, I will be ready to die. A hero’s not afraid to give his life. {Skillet}
I THINK I NEED HELP! I’m drowning in myself. Did someone turn the lights out, or is it just another dark cloud in my head? ‘Cause I’m cut deep. My heart won’t beat. Deep down low it’s killing me. If I wanna scratch out yesterday, I’ve got so much I need to say. I THINK I NEED HELP! ‘Cause I’m drowning in myself. It’s sinking in. I can’t pretend that I ain’t been through hell. I THINK I NEED HELP! I’m drowning in myself. They’re preying on my weakness. Believe it. I’m thinking to myself: “No, not again!”, and I won’t keep listening when temptation’s creeping in. If I wanna make it another day, I’ve got so much I need to say. I THINK I NEED HELP! {Papa Roach}
You guessed it — it’s a “feeling kinda spry” day for me! “I love me, who do you love?” Don’t get me wrong … I love ALL of you, too. In fact, I truly love everyone. But, I definitely don’t like everyone. Guess what?
THAT’S OKAY!
Indeed, it is true, there are some unfortunate people who pissed this Queenaway, yet, for some reason stilllinger in my atmosphere like clingons. They’re blissfully unaware that I literally, and not metaphorically, LAUGH OUT LOUD at the thought of them. I’m talking about comically small and insignificant people with deluded opinions of themselves who seem to have NO cognitive awareness of the collateral damage their selfish, narcissistic, abusive behaviors have caused, much less what and who they really are: GROSS!
If you are now thinking about the “unfortunates” in your life, that you’re now being reminded that you deserve better so you don’tlet them pull that shit again!
Look, I’m all aboutforgiveness. I mean, come on, HAVE YOU MET ME? I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again … I had to forgive the devil himself for crimes against me and mine that no one would be able to forgive. But “forgiveness” isn’t “forgetness“, and that old adage is a giant crock of actual SHIT!
Yup, we’re all human!
YUP, we all fuck up!
NOPE, that doesn’t excuse our behavior!
Some of us live, learn, and grow from our mistakes. SOME OF US DO NOT! That, my dear friends, is where our boundaries come to the rescue! John 15:12-13 says …
My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you. Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one’s life for one’s friends.
BUT SOMETIMES WE GOTTA LOVE FROM A DISTANCE!
I know I’m not the only one who feels this way about “unfortunates”. I’m just the only one I know who’s saying it out loud. It is what it is, it’s one of my truest joys, and OMG being “fifty-ONE-derful” comes with some lovely perks … not the least of which is not giving two fucks if this post offends “the unfortunates”. (But I am sorry about all the F-bombs in my posts. I suppose it’s a grave hypocrisy that I’m quoting scripture AND dropping F’s all at the same time. I knowGod hates it when I curse, but hopefully, He understands.
Hi everyone, it’s me, CAT! I’m ever the work in progress!
At the end of the day I am here to say that having both survived textbook narcissismandhaving found the voice to scream out loud about it is pretty fucking awesome!
So, with that, if you’re one of the people reading this now who is no longer worthy of my time and energy, how’s that workin’ out for ya, ya Jean-Claude Van DAMN little “unfortunate”? Here’s a little serenade just for you!
UNTIL IT’S GONE
A fire needs a space to burn. A breath to build a glow. I’ve heard it said a thousand times – but now I know – that you don’t know what you’ve got, oh you don’t know what you’ve got, no you don’t know what you’ve got … until it’s gone. Until it’s gone. UNTIL IT’S GONE! I thought I kept you safe and sound. I thought I made you strong, but something made me realize that I was wrong, ’cause finding what you’ve got sometimes means finding it alone. And I can finally see your light when I let go … ’cause you don’t know what you’ve got … UNTIL IT’S GONE! {Linkin’ Park}
How many women can say they’ve had “this kind of love”, not once, but TWICE? I can say it, BECAUSE IT’S TRUE!Two KINGS on this Earth have loved me. Not one, but TWO! Unconditionally, under even the worst conditions, with every ugly scar, scab, wound and ghost. Yet, as blessed as I’ve been in now being able to say that, here’s the hardcore, sobering truth …
DEATH HAPPENS.
Let’s just face it people – IT DOES! But as I’ve said before, it really is “nothing at all“. No one, and I mean NO ONE, gets out of here alive. Even so, something truly magnificent happens when you find a way to not only make peace with it, but more so than that, to bask in the light of all that it was and everything it brought you and find the strength to let it go gracefully when it’s not meant to stay forever. The memories. The laughter. The joy. Everything that comes afteryou leave out all the rest is the beauty that rises in the aftermath of “death” and it’s all that really matters.
Now that I think about it, how many people can say they’ve had “this kind of love” from anyone, up to and including their own family? The ability to love without condition isn’t a given and doesn’t come naturally. Well, WAIT! Let me reframe that, as I do firmly believethat we were created to love unconditionally, but from the moment we draw our very first breath, our circumstances and environment are what take us by the hand and the lead us on our journey of “loving”. While the most fortunate of us who were raised in optimal conditions do tend to fare better in their propensity to love and be loved without boundaries, unfortunately, others of us who are born into unfavorable environments laden with generationally toxic relationship tools are doomed right from the womb. Not being able to love or be loved unconditionally is the gift that just keeps on giving.
If you’ve never had “this kind of love” even ONCE in your life, it is my greatest wish that before your journey is over you do. But remember to start with YOU! If you can’t love yourself unconditionally, you’ll never be able to recognize or receive it from anyone else. This beautiful song obviously speaks VOLUMES to my point, so when I listen to it, I sing it to myself! Sounds ridiculous, right? Well, it wasn’t until I was able to rise up and love ME the way I wanted to be loved that “this kind of love” finally found me! Just try it and see what happens!
UNCONDITIONALLY
Oh, no, did I get too close? Oh, did I almost see what’s really on the inside? All your insecurities. All the dirty laundry. Never made me blink one time. Unconditional. Unconditionally. I will love you unconditionally. There is no fear now … let go and just be free. I will love you unconditionally. Come just as you are to me. Don’t need apologies. Know that you are worthy. I’ll take your bad days with your good. Walk through the storm, I would. I do it all because I love you. I love you. Unconditional. Unconditionally. I will love you unconditionally. There is no fear now … let go and just be free. I will love you unconditionally. So open up your heart and just let it begin. Acceptance is the key to be … truly free. Will you do the same for me?{Katy Perry}
500. The number of days that have passed since Destiny took me by the hand and started leading me down a path I never saw coming. With that in mind, and in keeping with my “Fifty-ONE-Derful” years of life thus far, I have dubbed today as January 1st, “Twenty-Twenty-ONE-Derful”! Realizing, of course, that I am blessed beyond measure to find myself in a place that while on the surface seems dark and tragic, at its roots is nothing short of a miracle, wrapped in iridescence, and adorned with the most beautiful crown a queen could wear.
I once heard it said that fifty is the beginning of our golden years. As such, I find no coincidence with regard to the fact that as I’ve walked through the fog to the Brighter Side Of Grey, I’ve also managed to stumble upon The Golden Circle. Indeed I’ve come to bittersweet, endearing terms with “my why“, so from this point forward it’s just a matter of discovering “how” and “what”.
If I could have one wish right now, it would be that I really could just zap you all with “this thing” that’s coursing through my veins. It’s my superpower, my ultimate peace, and absolute euphoria! It’s the simple yet overwhelming joy in finally realizing that not everything is about me, because I am nothing, which is why I am everything. It’s my “Nothing. Everything. ALL OF IT” paradigm shift!The cycle is broken.
It is not in my nature to ask for anything from anyone, especially inasmuch as I not only have every “thing” a woman could ever want, likewise I have everything a human being will ever need. Still, here I am asking. First and foremost, if there is ever an opportunity for you share something I’ve said or written that has touched you, will you please share it so that perhaps some of these pebbles I’m skipping across the pond can radiate even further? Second, sit with this beautiful song I love so much and really let it sink in. Let the words wash you clean, lift you up, and encourage you. Let them help you cry if you need to. Let them validate and give you the permission you may have been searching for to let go of some of your burdens and cut yourself some slack so that you too can discover “your why” and become an iridescent Light unto the masses. And last, but not least, make it a beautiful, powerful, and epically life-changing year my friends …
“Twenty-Twenty-ONE-Derful!”
IRIDESCENT
When you were standing in the wake of devastation. When you were waiting on the edge of the unknown. And with the cataclysm raining down, insides crying, “Save me now”, you were there, impossibly alone. Do you feel cold and lost in desperation? You build up hope, but failure’s all you’ve known. Remember all the sadness and frustration – and let it go. Let it go. And in a burst of Light that blinded every angel, as if the sky had blown the heavens into stars. You felt the gravity of tempered grace falling into empty space. No one there to catch you in their arms. Do you feel cold and lost in desperation? You build up hope, but failure’s all you’ve known. Remember all the sadness and frustration – and let it go. Let it go! {Linkin’ Park}
Oh, wait! I am “that aunt or uncle”! I mean, I have no nieces or nephews. So, tag! I’m it! I’M THAT “ONE”! The game board flipper. The disloyal, disgruntled employee who dared to rip the Venom suit off and burn my entire life to the ground.
Holding fast to all these boundaries that now enthrall me never really gets easy, by the way, and if you, too, are “this person”, you know exactly what I’m saying. While I am certainly no mental health professional, what I have learned in my lifelong, hands-on study of the cyclical nature of “family”, it’s that more so than not, it’s the empath who is usually the black sheep of each bloodline. Likewise, I strongly believe that the sometimes arduous task of being the proverbial game-changer is at least an honor, if not at best a cosmic calling. I recently read an intriguing article in this regard by an actual doctor:
Have you been the black sheep? The weirdo? The one cast out, judged, misunderstood or ridiculed by your family? Maybe, just maybe, instead of them being here to teach you, you are here to teach them. Instead of your family, friends, work place, and society trying to get you to fit into their mold, is it possible you are really here to break the mold altogether? Being an empath is an honor, a pre-ordained sacred role. And it is the way forward. Instead of ambling through life doubting your exquisite brilliance, can you instead stride in full brightness believing…knowing…you are the prototype for the next phase of human evolution? Can you embrace the risk of being different? Can you accept, with humility and confidence, your mission – however small or large – to contribute a higher vibration to the collective?
I have a crown on my head, a sword in my hand, and crystal clear sights on the future I want for my children. If my work is done well and my legacy lives on the way I hope, neither my kids’ kids nor their kids’ kids will have to hear the tragic tales of the abuse, manipulation, emotional extortion, and endless human wastelands of mental health corrosion their “Crazy Grandma Cat” finally laid to rest. There’s an age old saying that goes something like this:
If you’re not sure who the black sheep of your family is, it’s probably you!
Author Unknown
I never had to wonder, because in my heart I’ve always known. IT WAS ME … and I wouldn’t have it any other way.
Hello my friends from Nashville, Tennessee, USA! We are still here enjoying our holiday in the crisp, clean, cool mountain air! This morning, as I was enjoying my coffee and preparing for our road trip to Pigeon Forge this afternoon, for some reason I was just thinking about how excited I am to see all the holiday lights and sparkle and twinkle that surely await us this night. Then, my thoughts turned back to ME once again, and my kids, and my extraordinarily beautiful diamond of a life. I’m just so thankful for so many things that even with “all my words”, I was kind of outta words.
Then, I turned my head and saw him sitting there on my sister’s shelf, because never shall there be a trip near or far that he won’t be going with us. Why is that, you ask? Well, I’ll tell you! It’s simply because after all is said and done, we owe so much of this “diamond life” to him … the fallen king who prepared this wide open path for us to move forward in whatever direction we choose.
Then, I smiled and remembered how much I love this song and how he used to laugh whenever I was singing it out loud and literally twirling through whatever space I occupied where he let me be whoever and whatever I wanted to be, hands down, no questions asked, unconditionally.
If you are reading this right now, I want you to know that you matter to me! I want to wish every single person who’s still alive and kicking the utmost of love, strength, courage, and perseverance today and always as we head into a brand new year! If you’re gonna make just ONE resolute plan for 2021, let it be this:
Just
Be
KIND!
And by the way, “being kind” includes being kind to YOURSELF! God doesn’t make anything but kings and queens. It’s our job, and our job aloneto find our crowns and get them up onto our own heads! No one, and I mean NO ONE, is coming to save you from anything. You have to do that on your own … and … YOU CAN! But not before first learning how to be kind TO YOURSELF. After that, EVERYTHING else will fall into place. I promise!
If you are reading this right now, have also been to HELL and back, but are still alive to to tell about it … TELL ABOUT IT! Don’t let your own “Survival Resume” have been in vain. You never know who’s listening and watching, or how far your ripples will reach into the future. Let your survival story be the reason someone else decides to fight and write their own!
The “Tell Us What You See” Tree {Courtesy Of “The Daily James”}
This morning, I saw this post on Instagram by one of my favorite haunts, “The Daily James“, a Los Angeles based wildlife sanctuary that is home to one of my absolute favorite families, “King James, Margaret and the kids“. But I’ve digressed. The post was of this picture above along with one very simple question: “Tell us what you see.” To which I replied …
The thing that struck me the most in this post was the first picture of that magnificent tree. It screamed, “Look here upon my branches – Creation’s true majesty. I am a life well lived, no matter the circumstances or elements that have encumbered me – a true force to be reckoned with. I am ONLY as tall as my roots are deep, no matter HOW twisted and chaotic they may be seem. I am a strong fortress. I am – everything.”
Twenty-eight years ago today, after nineteen hours and eleven minutes of labor (but, hey, who’s counting), my first true prince and love of my life was born at exactly 4:50pm! With that, this picture couldn’t have come at a more fitting time, because after I made my response, I immediately thought of this song I’ve loved since first hearing it in the early ’90’s when I just beginning to know Jesus. Up until then, I had been wandering lost in the woods all alone. Actually? Correction: I wasn’t really alone – He was ALWAYS with me, I just wasn’t ready to believe it. Truth be told, even after I accepted Christ into my heart, my walk was a bit of a struggle. I’ve been a really stubborn kid – NO JOKE! Christian was so young at the time, and I tried desperately to give him the solid foundation he needed to get through life. But alas, I failed him at so many turns. It’s the absolutetragic truth.
Those days are gone though, and now I very much know better. I truly have seen the error of my ways, not the least of which is the not-so-stable ground I set his feet upon and the wings I helped clip that have made it more difficult for him to fly. Just as sure as God has forgiven me for my many imperfections and failures, I, too, have done the same. All I can do at this point is try to lead him to The Truth by my example and let His Majesty take it from there.
My son is a true force to be reckoned with, just like his mom and sister! It’s just a matter of time … and only a matter of faith. At the end of the day, no matter how “twisted and chaotic” his roots are below, there is a strong fortress working behind him powering the circumstances and elements. The great “I Am” is everything I need to know.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY, SON!
I love you to the Moon and back and am SO beyond proud to be your mom. I believe in you, always, unconditionally, with every shred of my being, from here and throughout eternity! My truest prayer to God is now, and always will be, that both you and your little sister grow into the magnificent masterpieces you were meant to be from the seeds sown by not only my past mistakes, but the mistakes of every single root-rotted branch of our twisted family tree. Rise above it son. Rise above, fly away, and never look back with regret!
GIVE HIM ROOTS
So many voices in his ear. Are they playing on his fears? It’s a bad situation all the way around. But with a solid foundation, he’s gonna stand his ground. Take a little time. Plant the seeds. Give him reasons to believe. Give him roots, and give him wings, and he’ll grow up to do great things. Let him know the joy that he brings. Teach him the value of the truth. Oh you gotta give him roots. Give him wings. When he comes to you and he needs your help, and he’s so unsure of himself, give him vision so he can see the Light. Let him know the difference between wrong and right. Share the wisdom of your peers. There’ll be laughter. There’ll be tears. He should aim as high as the sky. There ain’t nothing he can’t do if he’ll only try. {Clay Crosse}
In case you haven’t figured it out by now, I live in a very special place inside my own head that’s really not so bad! What you see is what you get with me – I’m the happiest “sad person” I think I’ve ever met.
If you’ve been keeping up with this Diary or any of my whacky videos, you’ve probably heard me say that I’m the “luckiest person” I’ve ever met. I love my life – the good, the bad, and the ugly – and am thankful for EVERY day I get to be live it. No matter what broken roads I’ve traveled, and no matter how much I miss my king, I know he’s smiling down on me right now watching me survive with joy, and love, and light. He wouldn’t have wanted it any other way, and his heart would be broken even more than it was in the first place if he couldn’t look down and see me still “being me” – a very happy Cat!
Keep the faith my friends! If you’re struggling in any way, shape, or form? Just breathe, be silly, and try laugh a little more, especially at yourself. It’s perfectly okay to do that, you know, even when your grieving. Much love to all of you today. And remember … NEVER cross a crow!
… whereas some moms might see a “tragedy in ink” down the road temporarily penned on her teenage daughter’s hand, I instead see the limitless potential and possibilities for the extremely talented young Phoenix I’m raising who knows exactly who she is, has a pretty good grasp on what she wants and where she wants to go, and isn’t afraid to express herself, be herself, and see things in herself that while on the surface may look a bit dark, are in reality, extraordinarily beautiful! Sometimes I literally pinch myself because I can NOT believe I made her. I’ve made TWO extraordinary human beings!
I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again:
No one will ever truly understand either the depth of each of their hearts’ bounds or the mountains of ashes they’ve both had to ascend from to teach themselves how to fly. I am such a lucky mom, and I just can’t say it enough! But this girl of mine? She’s one you’ll need to watch out for. As in, STAY OUT OF HER FLIGHT PATH unless you are willing to have your actual eyes burned out by her Light!Her Light makes my Lightlook like the 5-watt bulb from a nightlamp, even when it appears that she’s “going dark”. I’d be doing myself a grave disservice if I didn’t say that some day when I’m grown up I hope to be just like her! I’m so proud to be their mom! BOTH my kids are my heroes! With all that being said, and so far as the “ink” of it is concerned, all I have left is this:
Got a tattoo that said, “together through life”. Carved in your name with my pocketknife. And you wonder when you wake up, will it be alright? Oh oh. Oh oh. Feels like there’s something broken inside. All I know, all I know – is that I’m lost whenever you go. All I know is that I love you so. So much that it hurts. Got a tattoo and the paint’s alright. Just want a way of keeping you inside. Oh oh. Oh oh. All I know, all I know … is that I’m lost in your fire below. All I know is that I love you so. So much that it hurts. I see the road that you climb. I see the scars begin to show. I see your colors and I’m dying of thirst. All I know is that I love you so, so much that it hurts.{Coldplay}
If you didn’t already know this by now, my daughter isn’t just any kid. She’s a real life superhero and I just can’t say it enough. No one will ever really know exactly what she has been through the last five or six years or how bittersweet this night is for us both. It’s the long-awaited series finale of her favorite show, “Supernatural“.
There aren’t enough words that I could write at this moment, because not only am I a raw and open wound after having watched it, I literally just don’t have them. What I can tell you is that if you click here you’ll go back to just over a year ago and catch a glimpse of what this show has meant to not just her survival journey, but mine. If if I had lost her, too, on the night that Zack left, I don’t know where in the actual hell I’d be now.
This show is the reason she was brave enough to reach out to the ImALIVE crisis helpline on August 22, 2019, when she began to realize that Zack, her “Bobby Singer“, was, indeed, going to end his own life that night and that’s why we still have her with us. So, yes, this night is bittersweet for both of us. But as I’ve told her all along … sometimes endings really are just beginnings.
Heaven ain’t just re-livin’ your golden oldies anymore … it’s what it always shoulda been – everyone happy, everyone together. It ain’t just Heaven, Dean. It’s the Heaven you deserve.
{Bobby Singer to Dean Winchester}
So, with that, I leave you now with the last two scenes from one of the most impactful eras of our lives. If you know our story? If you know Zack’s story? You’ll understand exactly what these two fictional yet poignant moments mean to me andmy little girl.
The Diary Of My Perfection 